The Oceanliner

Donkey

2009-04-29T14:33:00.000-04:00

Nobody’s harder on Peter King than the Oceanliner, so you know it must be something impressive for me to compliment him. But like I have said many times, even about people I generally don’t like, you have to give credit where credit is due. And with respect to the NFL Draft, King absolutely freakin nailed it in his Mock that came out last Thursday in Sports Illustrated. I didn’t have a chance to look at his Mock Draft until the Tuesday after the weekend, and was shocked at how accurate it was considering a) he’s Peter King and 2) what a crapshoot predicting the draft is. King’s prognostication of the top 15 is especially impressive. Let’s take a look at the results, starting with the Top 5:

King’s Top 5 (actual pick in parentheses)
Matt Stafford (Stafford)
Jason Smith (Smith)
Tyson Jackson (Jackson)
Dirty Sanchez (Curry)
Aaron Curry (Sanchez)

King nailed the top 3, and flip-flopped 4 and 5. The Jackson pick was his best call, especially since he wrote this on Tuesday and I didn’t hear the Jackson-at-3-to-the-Chiefs hype until much later in the week. He also gets some credit for the Stafford pick, because the Lions didn’t sign him until Friday, and again, King wrote this on Tuesday. Moving Sanchez and Jackson into the top 5 was gutsy, but he was right about both (even though he had Seattle taking Sanchez).

King’s 6-10
BJ Raji (Andre Smith)
Jeremy Maclin (Darius Heyward-Bey)
Eugene Monroe (Monroe)
Andre Smith (Raji)
Mchael Crabtree (Crabtree)

King pinned two of these tails right on the donkey, and had Raji and Smith flipped. He was the only person I saw that had Crabtree falling all the way to the 49ers at 10 (which I am ecstatic about, by the way). The best pick here was King accurately predicting that the Raiders would pass on the slower Crabtree and go after a speed demon wide receiver with the 7th pick, noting “longball loving Al Davis usually looks for speed at the wideout position.” He just picked the wrong one, and honestly, no one had Heyward-Bey in the top 20, much less the top 10. Incredibly, King picked 9 of the players drafted in the top 10 (with 5 dead on, 2 one away and two flipped that were 3 away), which again is insane considering how much bullshit NFL teams sling before the draft.

King’s 11-15
Aaron Maybin (Maybin)
Brian Orakpo (Knoshon Moreno)
Robert Ayers (Orakpo)
Malcolm Jenkins (Jenkins)
Brian Cushing (Cushing)

Being this accurate this far down in a Mock Draft is astonishing: 3 dead on picks and 1 one off. At 13 we see King’s “worst” showing of the day so far, but Ayers still went 5 picks later at 18. King not only nailed which of the 3 USC linebackers would go first, but got the exact pick and team right. He also tabbed the order of all 3 Trojan ‘backers correctly, saying it would be Cushing then Mathews then Maualuga, which it was.

Other good first round calls were the Bucs taking Josh Freeman, only being 1 pick off on how far Percy Harvin would drop, and having Everette Brown falling out of the first round altogether (I saw some drafts with Brown in the top 10).

King didn’t get any picks from 16 to 32 exactly right, but did have 10 of those players going somewhere in that range. All in all, King was a stellar 26 of 32 in picking first round talent, and all 6 guys he was wrong about in the first round went in the top half of the second. An amazing performance all around. Peter King, the Oceanliner salutes you, even if just for a week.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go listen to some Sugar Ray on Fresh FM.

Slick John

2009-04-22T18:03:00.002-04:00

Oh herro.

John Calipari is one slick mother. Or we can just call him an opportunist. SI.com ran a great article detailing how the college choices of 6 of the top 50 ranked high school seniors changed when Slicky McSlickerson left Memphis for the bluer pastures of Kentucky. To go over a little rep tape, when a recruit signs a letter of intent to a school, he is bound to go there. Over the last decade, many players have inserted clauses into their LOI’s that state if the coach that recruited them left the school (for whatever reason), they would be granted a release from their letter of intent and be free to sing with any other school with no penalty.

Now I always thought this was for the player’s benefit, so they wouldn’t be stuck going to a program to play for a coach they didn’t know, especially if the previous coach was fired. Turns out Slick John has used this clause for the coach’s advantage. Xavier Henry is one of the most highly recruited players in this year’s class, and had signed to play for Memphis. Once Calipari left though, Henry got his release from Memphis because of the clause in his LOI. Here is Henry himself on what happened:

"I didn't have the idea to put the [clause] in there," Henry said. "Coach Cal did it for me.”

Calipari put the clause into his own recruits’ letters of intent, so if he ever bolted for a better job, he could bring them with him! Now that’s just a good coach who understands the rules. It didn’t work out totally for Slick John, because reports today say Henry is headed to Kansas. But it did work with highly touted center DeMarcus Cousins, who is now headed to UK. A great move by a great coach. I don’t want hear anything about loyalty either. You look out for number 1.

A huge injustice has happened in the world of DC radio. My solid number 2 radio station just changed formats, and the new guys are absolutely killing me. The old format of 94.7 was classic rock. It was never amazing because they overplayed lots of songs (More Than a Feeling, Stairway to Heaven, Carry on My Wayward Son), but it was a solid go-to station, as they would never play anything god awful. The same is not true for the new format, Fresh FM. First of all, what a horrible name for a station. Then they had the gall to run commercials that say something like this:

“We know you were tired of hearing all those old, boring, classic rock songs. So we decided to change it up, and bring you only today’s freshest music.”

OK, thinks the Oceanliner, another terrible pop top 40 station. But directly after the preceding commercial, Fresh FM starts playing (and I’m not kidding) Genie in a Bottle by Christina Aguilera. I was absolutely stunned. First they take a station out of my rotation. Then they make fun of the old format (which they are clearly worse than), declare only to play today’s freshest music (whatever that ever means)…and then play Genie in a Bottle, which is 1) horrible and 2) came out in 1999. Is this bizarre world or what?

It hasn’t gotten any better either. Fresh FM has subsequently played Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby (1996), Ace of Base’s I Saw the Sign AND Don’t Turn Around (1993!), Bittersweet Symphony (1997), Creed’s With Arms Wide Open (Creed may be the worst band ever, me thinks worse than even Nickelback and Maroon 5), Marc Anthony, Nickelback, and Maroon 5. Today’s freshest music my ass. It’s either old, terrible, or both. This is a travesty, a sham, and a mockery. It’s a traveshamockery.

PS – I always thought that Ace of Base was a group of young, black female singers, ala TLC. When looking up what year I Saw the Sign came out, I see that they are really white, Swedish, and coed. I was waaaaay off. I was in Spain at the time. Is that a valid excuse?

If yall are going to be at Foxfield this weekend, give me a holler. Until then, stay safe, keep it real and don’t miss the horses.

Celebration

2009-04-01T15:57:00.001-04:00

It’s a great time of year folks; time to celebrate awkwardly like Tiger Woods and his caddy after another ridiculous win. While it’s clear that Tig has not lost a step with his golf game, it continues to amaze me that he and his caddy continue to be so uncoordinated in their celebrations. Tiger by himself has excellent post-dagger-putt-making reactions, including the “point the ball into the hole while walking towards it”, the “slamming the hat on the green”, the “I’m so good its not even funny smile, laugh and shake of the head” (this is his bunker hole-out specialty) and of course, the “Finish Him” Mortal Combat, upper-cut fist pump that punctuates many of Tiger’s victories.

When it comes to a duo though, Tiger and Stevie Williams are woefully bad. They are always on the wrong page. It normally comes down to a couple of scenarios. First, they just completely miss when trying to give each other a high five. Always awkward. Second, one of them tries to do a high five while the other is leaning in for a hug. Even more awkward. Third, and worst of all, they miss on their attempted high five, and the momentum carries them forward into an awkward hug. This was never more evident than when Tiger holed that ridiculous chip shot on 16 at Augusta, where the ball hung on the lip of the whole for a couple seconds. If you want to see it, follow this link to You Tube. The shot and the celebration are well worth it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qkBFGpNPC0

This shouldn’t be a hard concept to master, especially someone of Tiger’s stature. Football and basketball players do that thing now where two of them jump up at the same time and bump shoulders in mid air. That’s pretty cool. It would be sweet if Tiger and Williams practiced that number. Woods has already revolutionized the fitness training among professional golfers. Taking it’s celebrations to the next level only seems logical. Then we wouldn’t have to deal with Phil Mickelson’s 2 inch vertical leap after his Masters win or Rich Beem’s pathetic shimmy after winning the 2002 PGA Championship.

It’s time to celebrate because it’s a great time of year: the Final Four, Fish’s bachelor party, Easter, the Masters, the NBA playoffs, warm weather, the NFL Draft, Fish’s wedding, and Foxfield all happen within the next month. I smell happiness.

Here are some things not worth celebrating, however:

NCAA Management

These money grubbing losers are such greedy sellouts its makes me sick. I was watching a press conference after one of the Elite 8 games this weekend and the NCAA douchebag moderating the event made all of the reporters address the players as “student-athletes”. What a complete joke. The NCAA makes billions of dollars from these “student-athletes” by holding the National Championship over a 3 week span, guaranteeing that the Final Fours teams don’t go to class for that whole time. Uconn left on Wednesday for their Saturday night game in Detroit. They must have left on Monday or Tuesday for their first and second weekend games that were on Thursdays. That’s 3 straight weeks of missed class, which the NCAA clearly knows, and they have the gall to make the reporters call the players “student-athletes”. Disgusting.

Jay Cutler

I brought this up in my last post, but I hate Cutler even more now. At first he was just being a baby and throwing a temper tantrum about being mentioned in trade talks; now he’s just a total ass bag. The Broncos have announced that they are going to try and trade Cutler in part because the Broncos owner, and I quote from ESPN.com, “has been unable to get Cutler to call him back during the past 10 days.” It’s one thing to have a disagreement with your head coach, which is what happened between Cutler and new coach Josh McDaniels. But when the owner of your company calls you, a person who invested a first round draft pick in you and is personally paying your 6-year, $48 million contract, you better call him back, or else you are just a spineless dipshit. Which is exactly what Cutler is. I will never root for him ever again, and hope he fails in every opportunity he has in professional football. I indirectly hate Bus Cook now too, the agent who represents Cutler and the former agent of one Brett Favre. If it looks like a rat and stinks like a rat, it’s Jay Cutler.

Tony Bennett

The new UVa basketball coach will hopefully be worth celebrating, but his name is not. It’s like Michael Bolton’s classic line from Office Space, “Why should I change my name? He’s the one who sucks.” Unfortunately, Bennett will be rolled on by every opposing fan base in the ACC, and even the Virginia faithful if he is not successful. You would think a guy named Tony Bennett would start going by Anthony, or Tone. Tone Bennett, now that sounds hardass. I hope he has thick skin.

Like I said, it’s time to celebrate, my friends. It’s springtime and I’ve got my horse shoes setup in my back yard. Life could be worse. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and…damnit! We missed the high five again.

Bid Sniping

2009-03-17T16:07:00.003-04:00

Mississippi State hunkers down and aims its assault rifle down at the target, the SEC Tournament championship trophy, which is wandering naively through Blood Gulch below, with no clue what is about to hit it. Out on the west coast, Southern Cal is doing the same thing, though in its sights instead is the Pac 10 tournament title, wandering like a stray doe through Battle Creek. Later that day, Temple stalks the barren Sidewinder terrain before turning the corner, where it sees the Atlantic 10 automatic bid walking in the other direction. A wide grin spreads across Temple’s face, as it slowly raises its weapon, zooms in for a head shot, and calmly snipes the bid. Meanwhile, on the other side of their respective maps, Davidson, Saint Mary’s and Penn State run around aimlessly and shooting into the air wildly, unable to locate their prize.

The Bulldogs, Trojans and Owls all made it to the Big Dance by winning their conference tournaments and securing an automatic bid. The Oceanliner was constantly annoyed during Conference Tournament week when talking heads kept saying how so-and-so “stole a bid” from another team by winning their conference title. I say bullshit. The teams that won their conference tournaments that would not have made March Madness otherwise (Miss St, USC, Temple and others) did not steal anything; they went out and took their bids rightfully. If you steal something and people find out, you have to give it back. Conference tournament winners do it in broad daylight, and it will be theirs forever. So let’s end this “bid stealing” garbage. Davidson and the like didn’t have anything stolen from them; they had just as much of an opportunity to go out bid hunting in their conference tournaments. They could have gone Halo-style and sniped a bid, but they didn’t. So let me be the first to congratulate the Temple’s of the world who went bid sniping over the past two weeks. They’ve earned it.

One team that emphatically did NOT snipe a bid is Virginia. Not only that, we sniped our coach too, as Dave Leitao “resigned” on Monday. Leitao was obviously forced out of the job, as he got a $2.1 million dollar severance package as part of the deal. No coach that actually quits out of the blue walks away with a buyout. I don’t know why athletic department insist on having their coaches “resign”, when it is obvious that they were forced out. Everyone knows what’s going on.

This concludes a sports year which saw the Cavaliers finish in 11th place in the ACC in both football and basketball. It is safe to say that this is one of the worst years in Virginia’s history with regards to the two revenue sports, if not the absolute worst. The two programs went a combined 7-17 against their ACC counterparts in 2008-2009. At least the basketball team beat 12th place Georgia Tech, even if it was by only 4 points and in overtime. The football team cannot say they same, as they got annihilated by 12th place Duke 31-3. Truly abysmal.

This got me thinking a terrifying question: Did the Wahoos have the worst football-basketball conference finish in the country? Nervously, I scanned the BCS conference standings for both football and basketball, hoping that some pathetic loser could eclipse 2 second to last place finishes. Fortunately for the Cavs, such a loser presented themselves: Indiana. It’s hard to comprehend considering their basketball tradition, but the Hoosiers managed to finish dead last in the Big 10 (11 teams) in both football AND basketball. Incredibly, they managed only 1 conference win in each sport, and went a combined 2-24 in Big 10 play. Capital WOOF. Thankfully, IU narrowly beats out UVa for this year’s inaugural Worst Combined Finish in Revenue Sports “Award”.

There were two other BCS teams that managed to tie the Cavaliers in terms of revenue sports ineptitude. Iowa State finished dead last in the Big 12 in football, but managed to scrape out a 10th place finish in basketball. This ties Virginia’s 11th place average finish in the ACC. There were also Gutie’s beloved Razorbacks, who finished last in the SEC in basketball and tied for last in football. This last place tie in football however was with 3 other teams, so you could say Arkansas tied for 9th in football. Still, it’s not saying much. This earns Arkansas a tie with Virginia and Iowa State for sloppy seconds. But remember, it took Arkansas a miracle 22-yard touchdown catch on 4th down with 22 seconds left by a wide receiver nicknamed “Old Brick Hands” to beat LSU in its final game. Save that play, Arkansas would have joined Indiana as cellar dwellers for both football and basketball. I would have even given the Razor Pigs the gold too, as they would have done it in a 12 team conference to Indiana’s 11. Woooooo Pig Soooey!

I can’t add much March Madness analysis that hasn’t already been said.

But here’s my Final Four if you care: Memphis, Michigan State, Pitt and Oklahoma, with the Sooners beating the Tigers for the title. I believe in the Terminator.

Two lines from Peter King’s column this week that make you want to punch him:

“I think the Patriots are going to have to work on their heart and soul this off-season.”

I thought heart and soul were intangibles that you either had or you didn’t, not something you can work on. Is King telling the Patriots that they have to develop skills that are innate thus impossible to acquire?

Moron.

“I thought I was going to miss Starbucks on this move, because the nearest Starbucks is six to eight blocks away..”

NOOOOOOOO! Not six to *gasp* eight blocks away! Are you crazy???? How would he ever get to it???? That would be at least a 10-minute walk!

Lazy chump.

Jay Cutler is such a baby

Cutler is angry because his new coach won’t tell him that he will never be traded, so what does he do? Demand a trade. Cutler can’t get it through his thick skull that no one in the NFL (or any sport for that matter) is un-tradable. If a team offered the Vikings their every first round pick for the next decade for Adrian Peterson, they would take it in a heartbeat. I used to like Jay Cutler, now he’s just another douche. Oh, this is interesting; Cutler’s agent is Bus Cook…the same guy who represented uber douche Brett Favre. Coincidence? I think not.

Picture 5 Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Coach just put me in timeout. Waaaaaaaahhhhh!

So Austin and I went to the Newseum this weekend. It is, like the name suggest, a museum about news, “where five centuries of news history meets up-to-the-second technology on America’s Main Street.” I know it sounds weird and is hard to describe, but it was actually really cool. One station allowed you to film a fake newscast with a green screen in the background. You could pick a backdrop (Capitol, Washington monument, cherry blossoms, etc.) and a teleprompter would scroll through your lines. I leave you this week with the broadcast I did at the Newseum, where I also added my own little flare to the scripted lines. Enjoy this breaking news. You stay classy San Diego.

I'm Back; Hide the Women and Children

2009-03-11T13:41:00.003-04:00

Well, well, it’s good to be back. Sorry for that little hiatus there, I was just very lazy. That, and I’ve been playing too much Lord of the Rings Risk with Schling and Kyle. You are probably wondering if I am referring to a Lord of the Rings version of the classic board game Risk. You would be correct. You are now probably wondering if this makes me a huge loser. You would also be correct. A huge loser that loves playing LOTR Risk. Game is freaking sweet. If I can only hold Minas Tirith for one more turn…

Anyhoooo, this past Sunday featured one of my favorite days of the year: the Duke-Carolina basketball game. Besides the awesome result, did anyone noticed the abundance of Reggie Cleveland All-Stars on the court? To borrow from Bill Simmons, Reggie Cleveland All-Stars are athletes whose names make them sound like a person of a different race (e.g., Reggie Cleveland was a white pitcher; Patrick O’Bryant is a black basketball player). Almost all of them were black players with white sounding names. To recap we had a Gerald (Henderson), a Nolan (Smith), a Lance (Thomas), a Larry (Drew), a Wayne (Ellington) a Ty (Lawson), and an Ed (Davis)…all black. Wayne Ellington sounds like some pompous English aristocrat to me, not a sharp shooting badass from Pennsylvania. And thankfully Ty Lawson plays basketball for Carolina and doesn’t host terrible reality shows like Ty from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Just because it’s hilarious, this is the lame Ty’s opening line from his Wikipedia page

Gary Tygert “Ty” Pennington is an American television host, model, philanthropist, and carpenter.

I wonder if he has all that printed on his business card.

“Here you go, little buddy. Have fun with that free teddy bear, but I’ve gotten run over to the job site and install some flooring in my new Sears wardrobe for Extreme Makeover: Douchebag Edition.”

I hope a lot of yall caught the Virginia regular season finale against Maryland on Saturday. The Hoos ended the season on a high note, and even though we finished 11th in the conference with only 4 wins, we protected our home court against both the Terps and the Hokies. What made the victory on Saturday even sweeter was that Mamadi Diane ended his career in fairytale fashion. This is a guy who had increased his scoring average from 6 to 10 to 12 from his freshman through his junior season. Coming into 2008-2009, Diane figured to help carry the load for an extremely young team. Instead, he absolutely fell off the face of the Earth. Leitao started cutting his minutes so much that at one point he registered 4 straight Did Not Play – Coach’s Decisions. Heading into the Maryland game, Diane had averaged only 4 points and 13 minutes per contest. In the previous game against Clemson he played only 3 minutes.

Yet something crazy happened on Senior Night at the JPJ. Maybe he felt a rush of confidence. Maybe he thought, “F-it, this is my last game, I’m gonna fire away”. Whatever it was, Diane went off on Maryland to the tune of 23 points, including 3 of 4 from long range and the game winning 3-ball with 39 seconds left. A staggering performance in his last game. Here’s Leitao’s reaction:

"I just told the team that when that 3-pointer went up the first thing I said was 'poetic justice' and two, that 'God works in mysterious ways.' There was no better way to finish off one's career and season."

Don’t overlook how improbable this was. Before Saturday, Diane had been 5 of 39 for the season from behind the arc. That’s 12.8%. Amazingly bad. Then he goes out and drops 3 outta 4 from long range…on Senior Night…including the last one to win the game? It was preposterous. Preposterously awesome.

My week wouldn’t be complete without its regular Peter King bashing. Fortunately he makes it very easy. This is how King started a paragraph in his weekly Monday Morning Quarterback garbage.

“The Kings are relocating to Boston. We've sold our home in Montclair, N.J., and moved to the South End. It's still a little stunning, even to us, because we've loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere.”

The last sentence in particular is hilarious. He states “we’ve loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere” with such authority that it might as well be a universal truth. Some things in life are certain; death, taxes and Peter King loving where he used to live more than anyone on the Earth has loved living where they do. Keep in mind that Montclair is in northeast New Jersey. I think someone saying that they have loved living in northeast Jersey more than anyone has ever loved living in the rest of the world proves what a moron they are.

I can always count on Steve Czaban for additional King bashing material. Czaban is a radio host for Fox Sports and hates King as much as I do. He summed it up nicely when talking about whether Terrell Owens should be in the Hall of Fame:

“Wait until Peter King weighs in, and then go the other way.”

My thoughts exactly.

So this is weird. Does anyone remember a sports columnist for the Cav Daily named Joe Lemire? He was a 4th year when we were 1st years, and wrote a decent column. Nothing spectacular but solid most of the time. The most I remember about him was his bright red hair. Well, apparently he had some talent. I went to SI.com the other day and his mug was staring at me in the face.
Not only was in on the Sports Illustrated website, it was a front page story. I have always ridiculed the Cav Daily (except Attention Surplus Disorder of course), so who knew someone could be something from it?

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Back to conquering Middle Earth with plastic action figures.

All-Wahoos: NBA Edition

2009-02-26T16:09:00.003-05:00

In light of the All-UVA NFL all star team I created last week, I decided to do the same thing again, only this time for the NBA. So here it is folks, the current NBA All-Wahoos:

Sean Singletary
Roger Mason Jr.
Air Bud
Yates Knowlton
Any of the random Asians that always played at North Grounds

Ouch. Singletary and Mason are the only former Cavs currently in the league. Mason is actually doing very well this year. After starting for the Wizards last year because of Arenas being hurt, Mason earned a 2-year, $7.3 million contract from the Spurs. A lot of people questioned the move, but Mason has responded with his best year as a pro. He is averaging 12 points per game in about 30 minutes per night, but more importantly knocking down 43% of his treys, good for 12th in the NBA. He is not counted on to do much since he has Duncan, Ginobli and Parker at his side. All he needs to do is hit shots, which is exactly what he's doing. More impressively, Mason has four game winning shots on the year. Mason has put the dagger in the Clips, the Suns (a true buzzer beater on Christmas Day), the Lakers and the Celtics. That's an impressive list of take downs.

Singetary is already on his 4th team (Kings, Rockets, Suns, Bobcats) and its only his rookie year. He has averaged less than 10 minutes a game, but at least he's hanging around. Just sticking around on a roster in the NBA for a whole year shows he somewhat belongs. His best day as a pro was a 13 point, 3 rebound, 1 steal game in 20 minutes against the Cavs. Hopefully he will be in a situation where he gets more minutes next year.

After that, its bubkus. And other than possibly Sylven Landesberg 3 years from now, there are no current Cavs who will play in the NBA. So until then, it looks like Mason and Singletary will be the only Hoos holding it down in the league. That is, unless Yates wows some teams with his running, off-balance behind the back floater.

The All-Wahoos

2009-02-20T14:27:00.001-05:00

The NFL Combine is upon us, and with that comes the talk of who is improving their stock the most for the Draft on April 25th and 26th. Once again, UVa will be well represented on the first day, with Eugene Monroe and Clint Sintim projected to go in the first two rounds. Even with sometimes mediocre performance on the field, Virginia continues to send high quality personnel to the League. That got me day dreaming about what an all-Wahoo NFL team would look like. The result is fairly impressive. To make the team better, I have included players who will likely be in the NFL next year (Monroe, Sintim, and Kevin Ogletree).

Offensive Line
D’Brickashaw Ferguson
Branden Albert
Brad Butler
Elton Brown
Eugene Monroe

Like the collegiate Cavs, offensive line would be a major strength of the All-Wahoos. The group includes 3 first round picks (Ferguson, Albert and likely Monroe) that maul the opposing team at the line of scrimmage. Brown is an excellent pulling guard who would create nice holes on pitches and screens. Butler is a dirty enforcer (just ask Mathias Kiwanuka) who ads toughness (and a white guy) to the line. Despite none of these guys having been in the NFL before 2005 (and Monroe not having played a game), the group has 106 starts between them. This young but experienced line would be a force together, especially with Heath Miller joining them at tight end.

Offensive Skill Positions
Matt Schaub
Thomas Jones
Jason Snelling
Heath Miller
Kevin Ogletree
Marques Hagans

Schaub has proven that he can be a good NFL quarterback if he can stay on the field. He looks to be injury prone though, which is why it is vital that he would have such a good offensive line protecting him. He has started in only 11 games in each of his two years in Houston, but has averaged 240 passing yards per game with a stellar 66% completion percentage and a 90 quarterback rating.

Thomas Jones would be counted on to be the workhorse of this offense, both with the stellar offensive line and deficiencies at wide receiver. He is up to the challenge however, as he showed this past year while running for 1,312 yards and 13 touchdowns while maintaining a healthy 4.5 yard average.

Jason Snelling would be the perfect bruising fullback in this offense. He is meant to hit people, not carry the load. Snelling struggled his senior year at UVa being the full time running back, but he was perfect his junior year when he paved the way for Wali Lundy. That year (2005), Snelling not only opened holes for his back, but he averaged 5.6 yards per carry as changeup in the running game with only 58 carries. He has done the same thing in Atlanta with Michael Turner, and would do the same with Jones for the All-Wahoos.

Heath Miller would be Schaub’s primary aerial target due to the lack of a good wide receiver. Because of this (and the offensive line being so good), as coach of this team I would send Miller out as a receiver much more often than he does currently in Pittsburgh. The former Mackey Award winner already has two Super Bowl rings.

Wide receiver is the glaring weakness of this team. Hagans, Ogletree and Billy McMullen would compete for time on the field, but none show much promise, except maybe Ogletree. As coach, I would mix things up by running the CatFish, with Hagans taking snaps directly from center as he can throw the ball serviceably as well as dance around in the open field. The Magician, as Doc Walker so eloquently dubbed Hagans, would have to keep opposing defenses off balance. I would also run lots of Jumbo sets, replacing a receiver with another tight end in Tom Santi (10 catches as Dallas Clark’s backup in Indy last year). The running game would be the focal point of this offense.

Defensive Line
Patrick Kearney
Chris Long
Chris Canty

The All-Wahoos would play a 3-4 base defense, both out of need and skill packages. These 3 guys up front would no doubt get pressure on the opposing quarterback, especially with the help of a solid linebacking core. We all know how dominant Long can be, both sacking the quarterback and going sideline to sideline to tackle the ball carrier. Canty has quietly become an integral part of the Cowboys defensive line, playing in all 16 games in each of his 4 years in the NFL, and starting every game for the past two seasons. Even as a d-linemen meant to eat up blocks, Canty has had between 20-30 tackles every year. He would be counted on to do the same on this team. Kerney is a monster up front, with 77.5 career sacks in 10 seasons. The two-time Pro Bowler would be a great mentor for the younger Long and Canty.

Linebackers
James Farrior
Ahmad Brooks
Daryl Blackstock
Clint Sintim

This group of linebackers is solid but not spectacular. Farrior would be to these backers like Kerney would be to the d-line, a mentor and a motivator. This role would be especially important when dealing with the uber-talented but character-challenged Brooks and Blackstock. Sintim is a beast and also an upstanding citizen, who undoubtedly listen to all of Farrior’s advice. As coach, I would let Farrior coach these guys himself. He has been a pupil of the Steelers defensive system for the past 7 years, and I would want him impact every ounce of this knowledge with the team. Also a 2-time Pro Bowler like Kerney, Farrior would be an anchor of the defense.

Secondary
Ronde Barber
Marcus Hamilton
Jamaine Winborne
Billy McMullen

This is where things get dicey. Barber is obviously a stud, being a 5-time Pro Bowler and 3-time first team All Pro (one of the two best corners in the league). The problem is, no opponent would ever throw his way because the rest of the secondary is so weak. Hamilton was a nice college player but is overmatched in the NFL. Winborne is a seldom used corner who would have to move to safety on the All-Wahoo team simply out of need. He also missed all of 2008 with injury. The last safety spot is a real stretch. McMullen is a receiver, but has had trouble catching the ball in the pros…so lets put him at safety! He just needs to get his hands on the ball there, not catch it. This team would need the front seven to put monumental pressure on the opposing quarterback to avoid the weakness of the DB’s. They are certainly capable of doing that, and Barber can pick up a lot of the slack, but this is where the team would be won or lost.

So there you have it; the Oceanliner’s All-Wahoo NFL team. I think it’s pretty solid, but have no idea how it would do against all star teams from other schools…mainly because that would be too much work. If I have not included some glaring omissions, please let me know and we will make the team better. Wahoowa.

A Wise Man Once Said

2009-02-12T21:21:00.003-05:00

I love a good line, a witty remark, a poignant repartee, a touché salesman if you will. I like to give credit where credit it due for an insightful comment or a nice zinger. On the other hand, I find myself pouncing on people who say things that I find irrelevant, stupid or worthless. I find myself pondering this notion because this week there seemed to be more worthwhile comments that came across my eyes than normal, both on the good and the bad ends of the spectrum. So with that in mind (as well as keeping the Watchman theme going), let’s mail in a column and analyze ideas other people had.

“I especially like watching LeBron James. It’s like watching Adrian Peterson play running back, only no one is allowed to tackle him.”

This line is what started the quote-post inspiration. I read this on Deadspin, and thought it was clever, as well as dead on. What makes the image even better is the State Farm ad running right now that shows King James singing with the Cleveland Browns. Bron Bron is a freight train, and the ad showing him lining up at nearly every position on the gridiron is not that far-fetched to me. Hell, he already can play every position on a basketball court, why not football?

“Most teams, like Duke, can wear you down on the defensive end by applying constant pressure. North Carolina is one of the few teams that can wear an opponent down on the offensive side of the ball.”

This was Raycom analyst Mike Gminski, right after Carolina went on their 14-0 run in the second half to blow open the game against Dook on Wednesday night. It was such a relief to realize that Raycom had the TV rights to the Duke-Carolina game in my area, thus avoiding me having to listen to Mike Patrick and Dick Vitale, who called the game for ESPN and the rest of the country. It was so refreshing to get accurate and level headed play-by-play (from Tim Brandt) and astute color analysis (by the aforementioned Gminski) rather than they gushing infatuations of Patrick and the hysterical ramblings of Vitale. What’s amazing is that Gminski is less of a Duke homer than either Jabba or Dicky V, even though the G-man played for the Blue Devils. And not only does he keep fairly neutral, Gminski delivers the kind of insight (the quote above) that actually enhances the telecast. This is, obviously, any color man’s job, but very few seem to do it.

“The Dookies may make an Elite 8 or Final 4 run with their style of play, but they ain’t takin home the prom queen with their trigger happy style of play… At some point the 3’s will stop falling, and that’s when the Devils will lose.”

Loyal Oceanliner readers will remember this passage. I wrote this on February 29th of last year, describing why Duke would not win the Tournament in the first edition of the Eliminator. What’s eerie is that it applies 100% to this year’s team as well. Duke can beat anyone in the country when their 3’s are falling, but they have absolutely no one on the interior they can rely on. Their 5 best players are all wings (Henderson, Singler, Scheyer, Smith and Paulus). Zoubek and Lance Thomas in the middle are pedestrian at best. I think Duke would have been a title contender if Krzyzewski had gone out and gotten a stud freshman big man like Greg Monroe (Georgetown), Al-Farouq Aminu (Wake), Samardo Samuels (Louisvulle) or Ed Davis (Carolina). But as is, they will not win 6 games in a row in the Tourney relying on the 3 ball.

Speaking of Coach K…

“You know this smug fuck from all his American Express commericials, from his nasily interviews, from his passive shots at other coaches and from his retarded Polish name Krzyzewski which of course is pronounce "Che-chefski." I think the Black equivalent of Coach K's name is spelling your son's name JaTrian and pronouncing it John. Its just plain retarded.”

This had me rolling. One of my friends send this rant on Duke from the blog Ned’s Younger Brother, and it had me cracking up. Here is the full article if you enjoy Duke bashing.

“Each little snail here, Know how to wail here. That's why it's hotter, Under the water. Ya we in luck here, Down in the muck here.Under the sea!”

Yes, you read that correctly folks. Those are indeed the lyrics from Under the Sea in The Little Mermaid. I etch down those epic lines to celebrate the return of my iPod. It had not been working until I took it to the Apple store and they fixed it. It was a welcome addition back to my workout routine, and it paid off immediately. I was on the treadmill and had half a mile left, but was struggling. I needed one more song to bring me home, and like an angle in the night Under the Sea was the next song in the shuffle. Sometimes the stars align like that. Everyone who knows me well is aware of my affinity for TV and Movie Theme Songs. Hell, its one of my Facebook interests, so you know its important. Well now they are back with me after a couple month hiatus, and it is beautiful.

“Drafting the wrong quarterback is like marrying the wrong person – miserable and expensive.”

The Sporting News wrote this at the beginning of an article about whether the Lions should take Matt Stafford with the number 1 pick, and it amused me. Whatever the Lions do, they will screw it up. St. Louis must be feeling good at number two. They don’t even have to do any work. Knowing that they are picking a guy the Lions didn’t want is good enough.

“I’ll have a Makers and Coke.”

Austin and I were at the bar of a nice restaurant last Saturday when the guy next to us ordered this from the bar tender. I turned and stared incredulously and wanted to ask this brosepf how he could justify murdering such good bourbon by diluting it with Coke. Rookie.

“I’ll always enjoy his 30-second-post-garbage-bucket celebrations.”

I read this on a UVa message board a while back about Mikalauskus having to leave the program, and a tear of nostalgia ran down my cheek. The two enduring images of Lars that will always stay with me:

1) The goofy Lithuanian jersey popping and screaming “we’re number one!” after beating Arizona on the road. So awkward and unnecessary.
2) Corey Foley telling the story of being at the bar at Coupes, sitting next to Lars after we had beaten Duke on the Singletary miracle one handed floater. I’ll let Corey take it from here (or at least my best memory of what he said):

“So Lars has this busted ass brunette on his lap. He then yells at the bartender and orders a round of shots for everyone around him. For the toast he says, and I kid you not, “To the greatest basketball team in the world!” in his thick ass Eastern European accent. The shot almost came out of my nose when I heard that toast.”

Priceress. I can almost hear the Arnold-esque voice in my head.

“In a matchup between two teams fighting to escape the Big 12 basement, Colorado proved it truly deserves last place.”

A great opening line to a game recap by the AP after Colorado scored 9 (yes, 9) points against Iowa State in the first half of their basketball game on Wednesday. Amazingly, there may be worse BCS basketball teams than Virginia.

After a post filled with quotes, I leave you with one of the funniest images I have seen in a long time. My coworker informed me that Jason Cain is alive and well playing basketball in Europe. Well, it turns out that his fans in Germany are just as passionate as the Assemblage of Cain was at UVa. And I can hardly blame them. No matter how boneheaded some of his plays were, Cain always played his heart out and was fun to watch. He will always hold a soft spot in my UVa basketball heart. The image below is a tapestry that Cain’s German fans brought to one of his games. It speaks for itself. Stache 4 Life. Godspeed.

Watchman

2009-02-06T07:55:00.001-05:00

So I have figured out what the role of this blog is, at least part of it that is. I don’t try to perform much direct analysis of sporting events myself, because people that cover sports for a living do a much better job of it than I (Sports Illustrated, NFL.com, parts of ESPN.com), although there are some obvious hacks out there (Peter King, Gene Wojciechowski). I also weigh in on the good (Gus Johnson, Dan Schulman) and the bad (Mike Patrick, Tim McCarver) of the sports announcing world.

I analyze the analysis. I am the answer to that immortal Latin saying. I watch the watchmen.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? (Who shall watch the watchers themselves?)

Il Oceanlinere

This is a responsibility I don’t take lightly. So let’s get to it and move on to my weekly Peter King bashing.

I have already harped on how stupid it is that King continued to rank his Fine 15 teams throughout the playoffs, so we won’t spend long here.

Like a bad dream, King ranked his Fine 15 after the Super Bowl. He at least had the decency and the sanity to rank Pittsburgh and Arizona 1-2 in the “rankings”. Frankly, I wasn’t sure he was even going to that, but at least he hasn’t gone completely off the deep end.

I wanted to bring up King to illustrate how stupid his rankings were by highlighting how one team moved up and down the rankings, even though they missed the playoffs. Let’s review the New England Patriots.

The Patriots missed the playoffs, so by definition they were not one of the 8 best teams in the NFL. Yes the NFL division and seeding rules are strange so it is possible to argue this, but King ranks the Pats at 7 in his Fine 15 heading into the postseason. Interesting.

The next week, after Wild Card weekend, the Pats moved up in King’s rankings to 6th, even though, yes, they weren’t playing anymore. Ridiculous.

You can see where this is going. After the Divisional Weekend, when the Patriots shockingly continued not to play, King moved them up again, this time to 5th! Bill Belicheck must be more of a genius that I thought. No, it’s just King is that stupid.

For some reason King regained his senses after the Conference championship games and didn’t do his rankings, instead focusing on Super Bowl coverage. The Patriots waited in limbo.

Then after the Super Bowl, King was back with his Fine 15. With giddy anticipation I checked to see where the Pats were. Hilariously, they had dropped a spot to 6! I shake my head in amazement.

To recap, the Patriots went from 7, to 6, to 5, to 6…all without playing a game.

Ladies and gentlemen, Peter King!

Note to the ESPN.com watchmen who write headlines: you need to come up with some better puns with regards to Duke, or stop using them at all. ‘Be-deviled’ really doesn’t cut it anymore, especially when this year I have seen that headline both after a Duke win (Maryland) and a Duke loss (Clemson). Plus this isn’t exactly the first year this phrase has been used. ESPN pun writers, you can do better.

If Virginia is going to win another game in the ACC, they are going to have to stop having awful first halves. Over their last 6 conference game (all losses), the Hoos average halftime deficit is an astounding 15 points. It is almost impossible to come back from that, no matter how well you play in the second half, especially in ACC country. In 4 of those 6 games, Virginia outscored the other team in the second half (Duke and Carolina being the exceptions). Against Maryland, UVA was down 15 at the half, fought valiantly to pull within 3, and ultimately fell by 6. The most recent example was on Wednesday, where UVA fell behind by 20 at the half at home against Boston College, which is in itself inexcusable. Again the Hoos fought back and brought it to within 7 at one point in the second half, before losing by 10. These first half hole diggings are absolutely killing the team.

Another reason the Cavs lost on Wednesday was their inability to play basketball very well. Sylven Landesberg was again fantastic, pouring in 32 points on 56% shooting and adding 6 boards, 3 assists, 3 steals and a block. The rest of the team however, shot a ridiculously bad 21% from the field. As a team, the Cavs went 1-14 from three point “range”. The defense was also bad, allowing the Eagles to shoot 51% from the field. One positive note was after committing 23 turnovers against Duke on Sunday, the Hoos only had 7 on Wednesday. These BC games are the ones we have to win though, as we go to Chapel Hill tomorrow and are most certainly going to get annihilated.

At least the UNC game is on Raycom, so the watchmen won’t be Mike Patrick or Dick Vitale. But don’t worry, I’d be there even if they were.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Il Oceanlinere

I Like My Posts Like I Like My Women: Short

2009-01-29T15:12:00.003-05:00

So let's get to it.

Mike Patrick continues to ruin sporting events. I watched the majority of the Duke-Wake game on mute, and it was glorious. With 2 minutes left, Austin’s roommate (who went to Duke) walked into the apartment and wanted to listen to the rest of the game. Surely, thought the Oceanliner, Mike Patrick can’t be that bad in only 2 minutes. Silly Oceanliner, Trix are for kids. Sure enough, Patrick continues to be incredulous over the most common aspects of a game. I heard at least 5 “unbelievable”s in those last two minutes, as if Jabba had never seen a team come back from being 7 points down with multiple minutes left. I also caught at least two “are you KIDD-ing me!”. Mike, cmon buddy. They pay you to do this. Surely you can me more original than that.

In a shocking turn of events however, Dick Vitale saved the broadcast. Before Duke’s last possession, Vitale suggested (if somewhat obviously) that Duke should give the ball to Kyle Singler or Gerald Henderson, who had been the entire Duke offense in the second half. Henderson got the ball and tied the game with a sweet 15 footer. Then, before the Wake inbounds play, Vitale said something to the effect of:

“Johnson. They gotta give it to Johnson on the inside. That’s their best chance of winning this game”.

Not second leading scorer in the conference Jeff Teague, not all world freshman Al-Farouq Aminu, but James Johnson. Yet, verily, it came to pass. Duke uncharacteristically blew its set play coverage and Johnson laid it in for the W. Sweet, sweet nectar, though belong to Wake. I am not one to lavish Dicky V, but credit needs to be given where it was due, and he had a hell of an end game. Unfortunately, Mike Patrick never has a good game.

Ever notice how the plots of the Die Hard movies increase in scope with every edition? First Bruce Willis has to rescue an office building, then an airport, then a city, and finally a whole country. If they make a Die Hard 5, Willis might have to save the would from an alien attack. That’s fine with me though. If there’s anyone I want fighting aliens while covered in blood, chain smoking and delivering curse filled insults and rants, it’s lieutenant John McClane. I would ever go so far as to put John McClane in the same level as Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer. We could create a Mt. Rushmore of Hardasses…

Sorry, that last sentence was influenced by the horrendous new feature on SportsCenter called the Mt. Rushmore of Sports. If you haven’t heard about it yet, good. Look away and never watch SportsCenter again. I’m close to never watching it again myself. The Mt. Rushmore of Sports is next in line of terrible ESPN gimmicks in the mold of Who’s Now and the Greatest Highlight. SportsCenter looks more like TMZ now than a highlight show. What’s wrong with showing a 2 minute highlight for every NBA game the night before and actually showing a story develop? That’s what I want to see. Not who Idaho’s Mt. Rushmore of Sports is. Turrible.

That’s all I got. It’s freezing in DC. Out.

Cold People in Silly Hats

2009-01-22T13:11:00.005-05:00

I watched the Inauguration on my roommate’s 52 inch high definition TV, and not on the Mall in 25 degree weather with 2 million of my closest friends. I think I chose wisely. I thought it was a very nice ceremony, but the Oceanliner would like to rename the 2009 Inauguration “Cold People in Silly Hats”. It was astonishing how many people fit the bill for both of these descriptions; by looking both miserably cold while wearing a preposterous hat. And now, I present three short scenes from the Inauguration weekend:

Act I

(Program Coordinator for the We Are One concert approaches Martin Luther King III)

Program Coordinator: Hey Martin, thanks so much for being here on this historic, historic day.
King: It’s my pleasure, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. There’s actually been a slight change of plans. You know how we told you that you would be introducing a band alone? Well, scrap that. To make the star power of this event even greater, we have decided to give you a co-presenter. You will now introduce Mary J Blige with Laura Linney.
MLKIII: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the actress.
MLKIII:*blank stare*
PC: You know, the quirky blond actress who’s oh so cute.
MLKIII: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life. What has she been in?
PC: Oh, she’s been in tons of good stuff. She was in that movie, about the emotional mom…damn I can’t remember the name. Oh, and that show, where she played the quirky blond mom…it’s on the tip of my tongue.
(turns to a techie)
PC: Jim, Jim, quick, name a movie for Martin that Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the blond actress.
Jim: You mean the day time soap opera star?
PC: No, LAURA LINNEY, the acclaimed famous actress.
Jim: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life.
PC: Well, do you have an iPhone at least? Go to IMDB and see what Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Well, let’s see. She was in Congo. That was a doozy. Oh, and the Mothman Prophecies, I remember seeing a trailer for that once…
PC: Frasier! She was in Frasier! Surely you’ve seen Frasier, Martin.
MLKIII: I’m black, why would I ever watch Frasier? That was the whitest show of all time.
PC: Right.
MLKIII: Damn, why do I have to present with this Laura Linney. I see Jamie Fox right over there.

Act II

(Program Coordinator approaches Steve Carell before his introduction at the We Are One concert)

PC: Hey Steve, thanks for being here on this historic, history making day.
Steve Carell: No problem, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. Well, here’s your script for when you go out there and talk about Abraham Lincoln.
(Carell reads his lines)
Carell: Wait, you want me to go out there and just read off quotes that other people said?
PC: Uh, yeah.
Carell: Let me get this straight. You want me, Steve Carell, to go out there are read quotes that other people said, and not offer anything funny, witty or off the cuff sarcastic?
PC: Uhhhhh, that’s right Steve.
Carell: Are you insane? Why would people want to listen to me if I wasn’t trying to be funny? Did you see Dan in Real Life? It was awful!
PC: No, I never caught it. Listen I need you to…
Carell: Dan in Real Life! The director resorted to putting Dane Cook in that movie? Do you know what a desperate move that is?
PC: *hangs head in shame* I know, we almost had to call him for this concert.
Carell: Damnit, oh well. One other thing, why am I presenting with Jamie Foxx? We have nothing in common. Plus I see Laura Linney right over there. Why couldn’t I have presented with her? She so quirky.

Act III

(Program Coordinator for the Inauguration runs up to Aretha Franklin before going out to sing My Country Tis of Thee)

PC: Aretha! Thank God I got to you in time
Franklin: What is it, rube?
PC: So I know you wanted to wear that traditional, normal looking hat that you have on. But I just found this beautiful number from a dude selling hats on the street, and I need you to wear it.
Franklin: That’s the ugliest hat I’ve ever seen.
PC: No! It’s ahead of the curve! You’ve always been a trend setter; this could be your ultimate achievement!
Franklin: But it’s got an enormous bow on it. It’s putrid.
PC: If anyone in the world can pull it off, its you Aretha!
Franklin: How much did you pay for that hat?
PC: Four dollars, but that’s beside the point. Go out there and belt away!
Franklin: OK fine, gimme the damn hat.
PC: *beaming*

End

Watching the Virginia-Maryland basketball game on Tuesday night was a tale of two halves. The first was frustrating and depressing while the second was somewhat encouraging. In the first half, the Hoos showed all of the characteristics that they did when they got blown out by Xavier and Carolina; lots of turnovers, jacking tons off balance threes, poor defensive rebounding and silly fouls. In the first half, the Cavs were 2-13 from beyond the arc, and most of these threes were contested, horrible shots. They turned the ball over 12 times. The defense was horrific, giving up 45 points and allowed the Terps to shoot over 60% from the field. The starting frontcourt of Mike Scott and Asane Sene both picked up two stupid fouls. Leitao sits players who pick up two first half fouls, so we got out muscled by a weaker Maryland team for most of the first half. All in all, it was depressing as hell, losing 45-30 after only a half.

But hey, give Leitao, his staff and the players credit for fighting back in the second half. The team could have easily mailed it in and given up in the final 20 minutes, given that they were down by 15 on the road and playing terribly. But the Hoos responded well. They stopped turning the ball over as much, with only 7 turnovers in the second half. They started penetrating the lane (instead of launching off balance 3’s), where Calvin Baker began to make some runners, and Mike Scott began getting the ball fed to him. After being held to 2 points and 3 boards in the first half, Scott responded in a big way after intermission, pouring in 14 points and grabbing 7 rebounds. Scott is very capable of doing this on a regular basis, but he needs a combination of staying out of foul trouble and people getting him the ball. Dude is a monster on the glass and can create his own opportunities, as he leads the ACC in offensive rebounds per game. Because of this penetration and inside presence, the Virginia guards were able to kick out to open shooters on the perimeter, who were taking open 3’s and not wild, contested ones. Thus in the second half, because of the penetration and inside presence, UVA hit 4 of the 7 treys it took. The Hoos brought the deficit back to 2 before eventually losing by 6. A 15 point halftime deficit is just too hard to overcome.
Gene Wojciechowski is a bigger loser than I thought, and I thought he was a pretty big loser to begin with. This is the man that the Oceanliner lambasted in last week’s post for a column entitled “Book the Eagles for Tampa” in which Wojo said the Cardinals had “not shot” at winning the game and the Eagles were a “lock” for the Super Bowl. I noted that there are no locks in the NFL (especially with a 6 seed playing on the road), and that Gene was over confident. Well, we all know what happened. So somewhat naively I expected Wojciechowski’s next column to owe up to his horrible forecast. But no, his next column covered the AFC Championship, with this lone sentence referring to the NFC counterpart:

“Now the Steelers travel to Tampa, Fla., to face the NFC champion Arizona Cardinals.”

That’s it. That’s all he said about his Philly prediction. What a spineless douchebag. Three days after that, Geney boy wrote a column entitled “Looking back at my 2008 predictions” in the NFL. Surely, thought the Oceanliner, the G-man will own up to his terrible “lock” pick of a week before. Astonishingly, he failed to mention it again. This is the kind of talent ESPN locks up and gives unprecedented access to. It’s not like Sports Illustrated does any better though, as they employ Peter King to “analyze” professional football.

I don’t care about Lance Armstrong anymore. I don’t want coverage of his first race in Australia and the endless talk leading up to the Tour de France. I don’t care if he wins 5 more Tours. I would rather watch endless midsummer baseball highlights than him pedal through the Alps and defend himself against doping allegations. I don’t care about who he’s dating. I’m going to borrow from Dave Chappelle for a moment and tell Lance to stop riding a bike and “Go sell some medicine, bitches!” Does this mean we all have to get out our Live Strong bracelets again? Enough.

P.S. This is the picture ESPN.com ran of Lance when he made his 2009 debut in the Tour of Australia. When did Armstrong become a Sith lord? What a creeper.
So I went to the gym this morning at my office and forgot to pack a belt with my work clothes. I look and feel retarded.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Enjoy your snowshoeing, Glubiak.

People

2009-01-14T15:12:00.003-05:00

Well folks, it’s that time again. Time to unveil the strangest, stupidest and most perplexing bumper sticker and vanity plates that I have seen over the past half year. Yes, it’s this kind of hard hitting journalism that keeps bringing people back to the Oceanliner.

A couple sports related thoughts before we get to the important stuff:

Oceanliner Man of the Year nominee Peter King over at Sports Illustrated is at it again. With four teams remaining in the NFL playoffs, King inexplicably continues to rank the “Fine Fifteen” teams in the league in his opinion. You would think at this point the top four teams would be fairly obvious, you know, the four teams remaining in the playoffs. But no, Petey has ranked a team that did not even make the playoffs (Patriots at 5th) ahead of the team that is hosting the NFC Championship game (Cardinals at 7th). While you are trying to wrap your head around that one, consider this: King has New England ranked one spot higher than he did last week, even though they missed the playoffs and haven’t played a game since December 28th! Ladies and gentlemen, Peter King!

The Oceanliner would like to present this short scene of an actual conversation between myself and Glubiak:

Glubiak: Well, I have to get to class.
Me: Don’t Freeze.
Glubiak: Today is a 5 layer day.

Ladies and gentlemen, Vermont!

Seemingly written with the Peter King school of thought in mind, Gene Wojociechowski posted a front page epsn.com article on Monday declaring that the Eagles were a “lock” to beat the Cardinals on Sunday, that Arizona had “no shot” and that Eagles fans could start booking their plane tickets to Tampa. This is the same Eagles team that tied 4-win Cincinnati. The same Eagles team that twice lost to the Redskins. The same Eagles team who’s starting running back is averaging 1.9 yards per carry in the playoffs…on 38 carries. The same Eagles team that had not one, but two players throw the ball away on the 1-yard line before almost scoring untouched touchdowns in the regular season. The same Eagles team that has Andy Reid as a head coach. Nothing is a lock in the NFL. The teams are too good and the talent across the league is too even for anything to be a lock. When Florida hosts Chattanooga in college football, that is a lock. When a 9-6-1 team goes on the road for a Conference Championship Game, it is not a lock. In the NFL, nothing is a lock (see Panthers, Carolina hosting the Arizona Cardinals).

Last sports note: Here is an excellent article by the Ombudsman for ESPN on why it’s bad when ESPN makes itself the story instead of just covering an event. It’s nice to see that at least someone there can see what’s going on, even if it is her job to criticize her own employer. This is not the first time I’ve linked to her either, she does a good job.

Ok, back to the important stuff. Without further ado, here are your 2nd1/2’08DCMABSAS! (2nd half 2008 D.C. Metro Area Bumper Sticker All Stars)

All Yield to the Princess

This sticker is so corny and so stupid that it made me shiver wit awkwardness when I saw it. Go have another Twinkie, princess.

My Jack Russell Terrier is Smarter than Your Honor Roll Student

Embarrassingly stupid.

Got Triathlon?

Stupid. You can’t “have” triathlon. Does Michael Phelps have a sticker on his car that says “Got 400 meter freestyle?” Actually, he probably does.

War is Not the Answer, Trees are the Answer

I don’t know what to say.

Play More Violin

Although strange, at least this one is clear and unambiguous

18-1

The fact that someone put in the money to buy the sticker, the effort to put in on their car and the acceptance of a permanent bumper sticker just to make fun of the Patriots, when it clearly isn’t their favorite team, is impressive.

Armed Liberal

This sticker had two crossing guns between the two words. Interesting how specific this guy gets in his own description.

Tex-Ass

Again, similar to the 18-1 sticker, going to such efforts not to highlight your state but put down someone else’s…hilarious.

The only difference between Obama and Osama is a little BS

Gotta love it.

II1II1I

This was a vanity plate on a black Chrysler sedan. Is there any question that this guy was on his way to commit a crime? I’m not even sure I got the plate right; it was just full of ones and letter I’s. This was my favorite one of all.

Well folks, there are your top 10 for the second half of 2008. As always, I would love to hear about good ones yall have seen in the field.

I leave you this week with a list Internet searches that were used to find this here blog. In case you missed the last one, I use Google Analytics to monitor my site, and if someone uses a search engine to find my site, it tells me what they searched for. Some of the search results that come up are astounding. This is 100% true, because well, it would be impossible to make this stuff up. Enjoy

Actual Google Searches That People Entered and Somehow Ended up on the Oceanliner (my comments are in parentheses and were not part of the search)

sheryl crow ruined national anthem

deez nuts clothing

nba volleyball (I’m glad I’m not the only one dreaming about this)

sheryl crow putrid (ouch)

john mccain jabba the hut

brazilianfartfetishporn.com

nba volleyball players (success)

where do mlb players get hemp necklaces

vince carter volleyball (we are going to start a revolution)

how toilets work on an ocean liner (this guy has way too much free time)

how fast can an oceanliner make a u turn (ditto)

which way would you go if you went to India by oceanliner (speechless)

how many lifeboats are needed exactly on an ocean liner (who knew so many people were interested in the inner working of an oceanliner)

i am looking for a wedding dress that i saw on an oceanliner (now that’s sad)

movies catfight clothes torn embarrassed

is jabba the hut a good guy

peter king coffee

short sleeve button downs

funny superman and black guy joke

save by zero commercial being pulled

lebron volleyball (he’d be the best player ever)

dwight howard volleyball (I recant my statement, it would be a good battle)

allen iverson volleyball

nba players playing volleyball (Yes we can!)

brett farve interception compulation (I’m not the only one looking for it)

if you were standing in a frozen tundra where would you be standing? (a confused young man)

“rest area” gay (I’ve got nothing)

hilarious alcohol related stories

black guys and jorts

burritos tossed at wizards stadium

mid air tea bag dunk

The Top 5

mike ditka brett favre joke car wreck (I would LOVE to hear this joke)

history of tea bagging in games (did someone think they were actually going to find an archive of this)

extra extra read all about it deez nutz (I’m at a loss for words)

bitches deez days always after ur money (truer words have never been spoken…)

are sales down at brett favre’s steakhouse? (I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep if I don’t find out)

Goodnight folks, goodnight moon.

85 Kinds of Nasty

2009-01-07T16:46:00.003-05:00

There is terrible weather here in the District right now: mid 30’s and rain. As I trudged through this muck this morning I thought to myself, “Man, this weather is 85 kinds of nasty”. Then I thought to myself, “I should call this week’s column 85 Kinds of Nasty”. So here you go.

1: No 2008 recap or 2009 preview here at the Oceanliner. You think a site devoted to random thoughts about sports and life could synthesize a post about an entire year? As Kevin McAlister of Home Alone would say with a contorted facial expression, “IIIII don’t think so”.

6: Note to future bloggers attempting to mail in a column: If you skip numbers, you don’t have to come up with a full 85 ideas for a post called “85 Kinds of Nasty”.

8: While the Oceanliner may not be, Chris Paul is certifiably 85 kinds of nasty. The most recent evidence: CP3 is tied for first in the NBA in double doubles. This is insane for a point guard. To put this into perspective, the next highest guard in the double double rankings is Deron Williams…in a tie for 18th. In fact, Paul and Williams are the only guards in the top 30 players in terms of double doubles for the season. And Paul is tied for first. Filthy. Oh yeah, CP3 also has 3 triple doubles on the year, which leads the league and is 2 more than anyone else.

9: Interestingly, Chris Duhon of your New Your Knicks is 3rd in the NBA among guards in double doubles. Yes, this is the same Duhon who gayed it up at Duke for seemingly 6 years. He seems to be doing quite well in Mike D’Antoni’s run and gun system. One thing padding Duhon’s stats a little is the fact that he is second in the NBA in minutes per game, playing an astonishing 39.8 minutes per contest. Who would have thought?

12: Also somewhat surprising is that King James only has 7 double doubles in 33 games. This is somewhat misleading, as Bron Bron is averaging over 6 assists and 6 rebounds per game. I couldn’t find this stat, but LBJ probably leads the league in 32 point, 9 assist, 8 rebound, 5 block, 4 steal, and 3 pride obliterating dunk games.

13: Yes, I just stole a line from Aqua Teen.

14: Back to LeBron for a second. One telling sign of the Cavs awesome 27-6 start may be that they are getting it done as a team, not just watching the King play. LeBron is way down at 30th in the NBA in minutes per game, but Cleveland has been steamrolling. In the past 3 seasons, LBJ was 3rd, 3rd and 2nd in minutes played per game in the NBA, playing over 40 minutes a game in all 3 seasons. Now he is down to 36 minutes per game, but is getting fantastic support from the emerging Daniel Gibson, Delonte West, Big Z, Wally Szczerbiak, tough Anderson Varejao and especially off-season acquisition Mo Williams. Williams is averaging 15 points, 4 dimes and 3 boards and is a supreme ball handler when James is out. If the Cavs continue to play with LBJ instead of watching him, they could be scary in June.

26: The different cup sizes in one National Airport coffee shop were tall, grande and ultimo. How ridiculous would you sound if you went up to the counter and said, “Yes, I’ll have an ultimo coffee please”. About as ridiculous as if you ordered a venti coffee. Which is why I still refuse to use the Starbucks drink size terminology (I always ask for a medium), even though I know that they know that I know what the sizes are called.

26b: I saw 3 different Starbucks in the Charlotte airport, and I wasn’t even there for that long.

37: Jose Calderon of the Raptors has made all 72 of his free throw attempts this year. Very impressive.

38: Unimpressively and unsurprisingly, Rasheed Wallace leads the NBA in technical fouls, just ahead of brawler and gun waver Stephen Jackson. Over the past 8 seasons, Wallace has ranked 3rd, 1st, 1st, 1st, 2nd, 13th, 1st and 1st in technical fouls, including an astounding 41 T’s in 2000-20001. He only played 77 games that year, so you could count on Sheed getting T’d up every other game. Dean Smith would not be happy.

41: We are going to start talking about football now.

42: But not before an amusing anecdote about my ski trip in Colorado.

45: One day I got onto a lift with three heady looking snowboarders. About halfway up the mountain one of the guys pulled out a sack of weed and a little one hitter. Apparently I don’t look like a DEA agent.

54: Football now, for real this time.

56: Peter King bashing time. King continued to rank his Fine Fifteen teams in this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback column, even though there are only 8 teams left in the playoffs. Thanks Pete, thanks for ranking the teams that are no longer alive. Even more preposterously, King ranked teams that are no longer in the tourney ahead of teams that are still in. He’s got the Colts at number 8, ahead of two teams that are still in the playoffs in Philly and Arizona. If you are already shaking your head in incredulity, you may not want to read the next sentence. Not only does he have the previous mind blower, he has a team that didn’t even make the playoffs (the Patriots) as the 6th best team in the league! King “ranks” the Pats ahead of those two teams that are still in the playoffs, plus the four teams that made the tourney but got eliminated (Falcons, Dolphins, Vikings and Colts). If you are wondering how he gets paid to do this, join the club.

56b: King bashing continues. The Loser said this about the Giants. “I think if the Yankees fired Joe Girardi tomorrow, the Steinbrenners would want to interview Steve Spagnuolo”. Note: Steve Spagnuolo is the Giants defensive coordinator, not a baseball coach. And if this was supposed to be a joke, King is a worse comedian that football writer.

59: I don’t have nearly enough amusing anecdotes in this post. My break was that amazing and relaxing.

60: I'm in impressed by Michael Phelps's swimming skills like a lot of people, and I think SI made a good choice in annointing him Sportsman of the Year. But some people are taking it a little bit too far with their praise. Like Jason Read, a US Olympic rower who had this to say in a letter to Sports Illustrated;

"Your selection of Michael Phelps as Sportsman of the Year is an excellent one. He is inspiring not only to billions worldwide but also to all of us on the Olympic team. That he is the greatest Olympian ever is indisputable. Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime".

Dude, Jason, you can get off your knees now. What Phelps did is impressive, but I'm not inspired by him. I doubt the dude is inspiring billions of people, that would be more than 20% of the world. And what does that last sentence even mean, "Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime"? Get outta here. The dude can swim across a pool extremely fast. Other than that, he can look awkward really well.

62: The Giants had one of the more spectacular rushing seasons I can remember, even slightly more impressive even than the Panthers 2 headed monster of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. The G-Men had two running backs go over 1,000 and each average 5 yards per carry or better in Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward. Ward won the league YPC title over Williams 5.6 to 5.5. The Giants as a team averaged 5.01 yards per carry…for the season. This was slightly better than Carolina at 4.8. Not only did the Giants blow people away on the ground, they didn’t give the ball up either. The Giants only lost 2 fumbles on rushing attempts the whole season, best in the league. (Note: Part of fumble recoveries is luck, and the Giants did get lucky in recovering their own fumbles. They fumbled 14 times while running (still goof for 7th in the NFL), but recovered 12 of them. The Panthers, on the other hand, only fumbled 11 times, but lost 7 of them)

63: LaDanian Tomlinson had one of the best seasons ever for a player who is “washed up”. Dude still ran for 1110 yards and 11 touchdowns. The telling stat that he is on the decline though was his 3.8 yards per carry, good for 41st in the NFL. When a back’s average dips below 4, you should start selling.

64: LT has had one of the most spectacularly consistent and amazing careers that a running back has ever had. In 8 seasons he has rushed for 1236, 1683, 1645, 1335, 1462, 1815, 1474, and 1110 yards. He has never had less than 367 receiving yards in a season. He has run and caught 141 touchdowns, and has even thrown for seven more. He has averaged 122 yards and over a touchdown per game in his career. He is second in career rushing touchdowns, and tied for 4th in total career touchdowns (excluding quarterbacks). You can count on him playing too; he’s only missed one regular season game in 8 years. What a stud.

65: Here are some surprising stats when glancing through the NFL annals.

66: Edgerrin James is 11th all time in the NFL in rushing yards, and 18th in career rushing TD’s. If you just looked at stats, he’s a Hall of Famer.

67: Fred Taylor is 16th. For a guy who is most famous for being injured, that’s pretty damn impressive.

68: Warrick Dunn is 19th. For someone listed at 5’9”, that’s pretty damn impressive.

69: 69, he he.

70: Terrell Owens is the person tied with LT for 4th on the career touchdown list, 5 TD’s ahead of Randy Moss.

71: Shaun Alexander has the 7th most rushing touchdowns in NFL history.

72: Lions kicker Jason Hanson went 8 for 8 this year on field goals of over 50 yards.

73: Donnie Jones, the St. Louis punter, averaged 50 yards a kick for the season.

74: If you have a good year on special teams for horrific franchises, it doesn’t make you feel any better.

75: Calvin Johnson caught 78 balls for 1331 yards (5th in the NFL) and 12 touchdowns (T-1st) yet didn’t make the Pro Bowl. Welcome to Detroit!

79: Tony Gonzalez is 9th on the all-time receptions list.

81: Brett Favre led the NFL in interceptions this year with 22 and his team missed the playoffs, but he somehow made the Pro Bowl.

82: Favre has thrown at least 20 picks 6 times in his career.

83: I hate Brett Favre.

84: I hate Brett Favre.

85: Well folks, there you have it, 85 kinds of nasty, or at least random stats I found interesting. Everyone should refer to Chris Paul as 85 Kinds of Nasty and give me all the credit. Happy 2009 friends. Keep it real.

Scoreboard

2008-12-23T18:56:00.003-05:00

Oelschlager 1, King 0

I call Peter King a moron seemingly every week, yet all these attacks are based on his current observations, and are tough to concretely denounce. But now I have red handed proof, uncovered by myself no less, showing what a buffoon King is and how horrible his coverage of the NFL has become, even though he gets a lavish salary to do so on three different mediums (Sports Illustrated, SI.com and NBC).

Loyal Oceanliner readers will remember a segment I created specifically because of King called Instant History. It was part of my March 28, 2008 post called Instant Coffee. My post was in response to this “gut feeling” King had about the Jacksonville Jaguars which he wrote about in his pitiful Monday Morning Quarterback column:

“I think as the days go by, I’m talking myself more and more into Jacksonville being a serious Super Bowl Contender. Maybe the most serious Super Bowl contender in the AFC.”

This was my immediate and incredulous response.

“This guy gets paid to write about the NFL? Does this guy really think the Jaguars are the team to beat in the American Football Conference? The same AFC that the Patriots are in, who were 2 minutes away from running the table last year? The same AFC that the Colts are in, who have won 5 consecutive South division titles (this is the Jaguars division by the way)? The same AFC that the Chargers are in, who underachieved last year and still got to the conference title game (one round farther than the Jaguars)? Jacksonville was lucky to get past the first round of the playoffs last year, and will be lucky to do the same in 2008. Hell, they might not even make the playoffs. In my opinion, New England, Indy and San Diego are all significantly better than Jacksonville. I also believe that Cleveland and Pittsburgh are better than Jacksonville. I think the Jaguars are going to be fighting for the last playoff spot in the AFC with the rest of the mediocre peons in the conference: Denver, Houston, Tennessee, Buffalo, the Jets, etc.”

I was so flabbergasted by this “expert’s” analysis that I created Instant History, again described in my March post below:

“King’s statement of Jacksonville being the top contender in the AFC is so preposterous that I am creating a new Oceanliner Original Feature. I am calling it Instant History. I am going to take predictions that are so bad in my opinion and put them in a time capsule to see how they stand up to the test of time. We can set the date to re open Peter King’s gut feeling exactly 7 months from today, December 28th, 2008, which is the day the Jags conclude their regular season with an away game against the Ravens. We will then see if the Jaguars are the top contender in the AFC, or if they are just a bunch of jokers.”

Well folks, the Jags are such a bunch of jokers that we don’t need to wait for this Sunday’s game against the Ravens. This is partially due to their pathetic 5-10 record, but more because I will be on vacation right after that game happens (see Column, how to mail one in). The real joker, of course, is King, whose “top contender in the AFC” is the 8th worst team in the league. Now I realize that I was not correct about San Diego (who still might make the playoffs) or Cleveland and said nothing about the Ravens, but, wait for it, I’m a random blogger and King “analyzes” the NFL for Sports Illustrated. What a joke of talent evaluation, both by King and SI.

Roller Blading 1, Common Sense 0

Last week I was driving back to work from lunch and it was raining like crazy. What do I see gliding down the sidewalk but a roller blader with a backpack on. This poor dude was blading up a hill in the rain. Needless to say he did not look like he was having fun. Whatever circumstances led him to roller blade in a driving rainstorm could not have been good.

Bengals Announcers 1, Ken Dorsey 0

Every Monday I watch the highlight packages that NFL.com puts together to recap all of the weekend games. They have two different types, and both are great. One includes full commentary from Rich Eisen, Deion Sanders and Steve Mariuci. These recaps are especially good for exciting and meaningful games, as each highlight package lasts 4-5 minutes that includes drive progressions and analysis. Eisen and the boys do not do as good of a job for clunker or irrelevant games, giving them only 1-2 minutes each. But the second NFL.com package of highlights includes all of the good plays (scoring plays, amazing catches, nice runs, stiff arms, sacks, turnovers, etc.) of a given game, accompanied by the radio calls of those plays. Thus each game gets 4-5 minutes, regardless of the importance or score. I highly recommend NFL.com as a source of video football highlights over the joke that SportsCenter and The Blitz has become.

An added benefit to the big play, highlight-only packages is that you get to hear some awesome home team radio calls. My favorite from this past weekend was a call from the Bengals-Browns game (sidetrack, woof) in which Ken Dorsey, starting “quarterback” of the Browns, lined up in the shotgun. The Bengals radio announcer immediately perked up like a kid in a candy store and proclaimed

“Dorsey in the shotgun, this is what we like to see!”

Dorsey of course proceeded to throw a pick on the play. The tone of excitement in which the Bengal’s play-by-play man used in mocking the other team’s quarterback was priceless. Come to think of it, that’s exactly how I would always feel when Virginia Tech would for some unknown reason put Sean Glennon in at quarterback over Tyrod Taylor. That was like an early Christmas present.

Oelschlager 30, Caldwell 0

At a Christmas party two weeks ago, Tyler and I were beer pong partners, and of course, bet against each other on who could make the most cups. Five dollars a cup and 5 games of domination later netted me a sweet $30 from Liutenant Caldwell. The second best part (besides taking Tyler’s money) was the scared and confused looks on the other team’s face when I would sink a cup and my partner would get furious.

Moyer 46, Phillies Oblivious

Earlier this month the Phillies signed pitcher Jamie Moyer to a two-year extension. The hilarious part is that Moyer is 46 years old, easily already the oldest player in baseball. Sounds like a shaky deal to me, but these are the World Champs. And it’s not like Moyer was chump change in 2008. Far from it in fact. The crafty lefty was 16-7 with a 3.71 ERA. Astounding numbers for a pitcher that old that can barely hit 80 mph on the radar gun.

Line Stealing 1, Integrity 0

The Oceanliner would like to credit my high school buddy Ian Beed for the following line.

“Part of me hopes that Chad Ocho Cinco gets traded to a team that already has a player who wears number 85, and he’s forced to pick another number. Now that would be funny”.

I don’t know if Beed stole that line from somewhere else, but it’s freaking hilarious.

2008

Over. This is the Oceanliner signing off for the year. I’ll be back again in 2009. Godspeed.

Football and Fluff

2008-12-18T16:18:00.003-05:00

It’s time to talk about football. I have been ignoring the NFL for way too long now. It’s also time, as always, to talk about amusing anecdotes that occurred since last week. It’s time for a Football and Fluff column.

Football: The most impressive team in the NFL right now is the Carolina Panthers. They play great defense, allowing less than 19 points per game. They run the ball amazingly well as they are 4th in the league in rushing yards per game and tied for 1st in yards per carry at an amazing 4.8. They have a fearless quarterback who isn’t afraid to take risks, although this could come back and kill the Cats if Delhomme has a bad game. They have a break-the-game-open wide receiver in Smitty and a superb possession receiver with Moose. They have done all of this while playing in a very hard division. If they lock up home field against the G-Men this week, the Panthers are going to be very dangerous.

One amazing thing about the Panthers is that DeAngelo Williams (who is 4th in the NFL in rushing despite sharing the load with fellow stud Jonathan Stewart) has not fumbled the ball at all this year in 224 carries. Having a baller-ass RB who doesn’t cough the ball up is huge, especially in the playoffs. Delving deeper into Williams’ career stats reveals that he has only fumbled twice in his NFL career. That’s two fumbles in 567 career touches. Spectacular.

Fluff: There is nothing more awkward than privileged white kids performing tribal African dance moves, yet choral conductors and music teachers from around the world continue to force this awkwardness upon us. On Sunday, Potts, Emily Austin and I went to the National Cathedral to see a Christmas concert (yeah, cute and trendy as hell, I know). The high school choirs from St. Alban’s and National Cathedral School performed, and they were excellent. Their last song was a native South African tribal song, and actually sounded pretty good. Their teacher however, made them do a little shimmy dance while they performed the song, complete with hand gestures and foot stomping. Every kid on stage looked embarrassed as hell as they did the moves, as they should. It ruined the performance. It works when, you know, Africans do African tribal dance moves. It does not work when rich white kids do them. This needs to stop.

Football: Earlier this week, Trent Dilfer was asked who he thought was the better team, the Giants or the Panthers. I immediately thought he was going to say the Panthers, simply based on the fact that they have won 3 straight games and the Giants have lost 2 in a row. Too many talking heads proclaim that the hottest team at the moment is the best team in the entire league (see King, Peter; putting the Eagles at number 6). They seem afraid to claim that the best team overall is the one that isn’t playing the best right now. Dilfer said that he still thought the Giants were the better team, and even though I thought he was wrong, I admired him having the nuts enough to say what he thought, and not what would make him look good. This paragraph is really confusing. Onto some more fluff.

Fluff: In my current rental car (an awful Chevy Impala), there is a feature where if you pressed the window down button for more than a second, the window would go down all the way even if you let go of the button. Great feature. But to roll the window up you had to hold the button the whole time. Why would someone design a window like that? Who would prefer a window that had an auto feature going down but not up? “I’m in Pychoville and Finkle’s the mayor!”

Football: It’s a joke that Brett Favre made the Pro Bowl over Phil Rivers. Rivers has the best passer rating in the NFL, much less the AFC. Favre is 15th. Rivers has thrown 28 touchdowns and 11 interceptions. Favre has 21 TD’s and 17 picks. The Chargers are 6-8 because Rivers has salvaged whatever he could from the season (and they should be 7-7 if not for the horrible Hochuli call in week 2). The Jets are 9-5 despite of Favre’s anti-heroics. Joke city.

Fluff: Last year in the Ribrary, Schling still made peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. I didn’t even know that stuff still existed.

Football: Adrian Peterson is the clear MVP of the league in my book. He is the leading rusher in football and still averages 4.9 yards per carry despite facing probably more 8+ man fronts than any back in the league. He is so good that he has made Gus Ferotte and Tarvaris Jackson look like decent quarterbacks this season. Without AP, the Vikes would be 2-12 instead of 9-5. Minny is 8-2 over their last 10 games. I wouldn’t want to play them in the playoffs.

Fluff: There is a street near my office named Temporary Road, even though it is clearly there to stay, as it is made with concrete, has a stoplight and gets a lot of traffic. Odd.

Football: Sammy Baugh, the legendary Redskins player, passed away on Wednesday. It wasn’t until I was reading the article about his death that I realized how ridiculously good and versatile he was. In 1943, Baugh led the league in passing, punting and defensive interceptions. What an extreme badass. He still owns the single season per punt average of 51.4 yards. He had one game where he threw for four touchdowns and also had four interceptions. He was also a hardass, playing his whole career without a facemask. He is one person who may have been able to out stone-face me. Sammy Baugh, the Oceanliner salutes you (I’m sure that’s his ultimate honor).

Fluff: This is the preposterous picture on the cover of the most recent J.Crew catalogue.

Seriously? So what this picture is telling me is that these two losers got in their fur-coated canoe and went to the Artic ice cap to get a Christmas tree? And that they did it with no oars? And that after going all the way there they picked out the smallest and pansiest Christmas tree of all time? I’m not buying it. Something fishy is going on here.

Football: In an act of high comedy, Chiefs coach Herman Edwards released a book called “You Play to Win the Game”, stemming from a hilarious news conference he once gave. Edwards’ career record as an NFL head coach is 53-72. What a loser.

Fluff: At a Starbucks recently, the woman who poured my coffee needed to dump some out because she had filled the cup too high. She proceeded to pour out some of the scalding hot coffee directly onto the hands of one of her co-workers who had just finished washing her hands.

Football: Please can it end, for the love of God. Don Banks, NFL writer for Sports Illustrated, referred to the Santonio Holmes controversial catch at the end of the Steelers-Ravens game as “plane-gate”, as in did the ball cross the plane of the goal line. Spygate was bad enough. Plane-gate is freaking terrible.

Fluff: I got nothing. I’m out of amusing anecdotes, that’s it for this week folks. There will be one more Oceanliner column in 2008 before I head down to Florida for Christmas and out to Colorado to ski the week after that. After that, you will have to wait for ’09 for more new and exciting Oceanliner original features. By the way, does anyone have a pair of ski pants I can borrow? Let me know. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and boogie away.

The Frozen Tundra

2008-12-10T20:26:00.013-05:00

Well folks, the Oceanliner and Austin recently completed our epic trip to Green Bay to watch the Packers play the Texans at Lambeau Field. And to chronicle that journey, I have decided to pull a Dylan (Dylan…Hawkins? Porter? Porter-Hawkins? Sadie-Hawkins?) and mail it in with a photo diary of the odyssey. This photo diary however, will of course include hilarious, poignant and witty commentary from yours truly.

The first step of mailing in a post is to choose the least original title possible, which as you can see, I have already done. Only a complete hack would choose “The Frozen Tundra” as the title of a post about a trip to Green Bay.

The fun began even before we got to Green Bay, as the Milwaukee airport provided some early amusing anecdotes. First was the Salvation Army bell ringer, who was dutifully doing his job…while talking on his cell phone. How annoying would it be to have a conversation with this guy while he’s ringing a little bell the whole time? I’m going with infinitely annoying. Plus this dude is taking some of the aura out of the whole bell ringing gig. One cannot help feel a twinge of sympathy in seeing a Salvation Army bell ringer standing stoically outside of a Wal-Mart in the freezing cold, ringing their bell in mime-like silence. The dude in the airport maybe could have pulled it off by standing and stone-facing walker by’s. Instead, he was sitting in a chair, yapping on his cellie and pretending like the donation jar wasn’t even there. F.

Elsewhere in the terminal, Austin and I walked past a vending machine that was selling bouquet’s of roses for the incredible bargain of $20. Here begins the photo diary with a shot of said vending machine.

Note the Solo cups of water being used as temporary vases. I’m just mad that they don’t have this thing at Reagan in DC.

“Austin! Here are you Valentine’s Day flowers! I saw these wilted, cheap, deteriorating Solo cup-held flowers in an airport vending machine, and I immediately thought of you. No need to thank me. Enjoy.”

While we are talking about airports, I would like to give a shout out to Midwest Airlines, who pass out 2 free, warm, chocolate chip cookies to every passenger on their longer flights. What a pleasant surprise that was. Delicious. (Sorry, no picture of the cookies)

Having safely arrived in Green Bay, Austin and I made our way to the luxurious Howard Johnson Plaza Hotel, only 2 miles from the stadium. Waiting for us inside the lobby of the HoJo were, and I’m not kidding, a miniature bowling alley and a 9-hole putt putt course. See for yourself:

You stay classy, Green Bay.

Since this was probably going to be the only time we ever spent in Green Bay, we figured we might as well do it right. So our choice for dinner on Saturday was of course, Brett Favre’s Steakhouse. Realizing the hilarity of this choice, I sent out the following text to some people I know would appreciate it.

I’m at Brett Favre’s steakhouse, my world is turning upside down

Within minutes, Gutie’s response came flying in through cyberspace.

Please tell me there is a menu item somehow related to interceptions

Sadly there was not. Then this from Glubiak.

If you are wearing your customized 49ers jersey, dinner is on me. You need to start a J E T S, JETS JETS JETS cheer.

Again, sadly, I was not. And lastly my personal favorite from Fish.

Ha. Where is that? Is it delicious? Did they send your steak to the wrong table to simulate an interception?

Classic. And while I can’t stand watching number 4 on TV, I have to hand it to him; he put together on helluva steak house. The local beers on draft were fantastic ( I had a Brett’s VooDoo Brew and a Spotted Cow), there were at least 7 HD flat screen TV’s in the bar/waiting area showing the Big 12 title game, and the food was first class (think Morton’s or Ruth’s Chriss). At the end of the meal, and Austin can vouch for me, I did something I have never done before and will never do again; I raised my glass and toasted Brett Favre. Not about his playing football of course, but for his contribution to the steakhouse community at large.

Brett Favre as local God note number 1: A gift shop in the Milwaukee airport was selling Favre Jets jerseys. The same shop had a hoodie for sale that had a pouch in the chest for a beer bottle. Only in Milwaukee.

Game Day. Austin and I leave the hotel at 9am for a noon kickoff. As we are driving to the stadium, we see a sign that reads “Green Bay – Pop. 102,000”. The attendance at the game is later announced at 70,000 people. Go figure.

I got the Packer tickets from my aunt and uncle, and we meet up with friends of theirs to tailgate. It is an amazing spot. The backyard where we park backs up to the stadium. This picture shows how close we were to Lambeau.

It also shows Austin looking hilarious, exposing as little skin as possible. This is a good idea because of how freaking cold it was. We later learn that kickoff temperature was 3 degrees. Three. It was not warm.

This is the fire that we hovered around for most of the tailgate to keep warm. It is also the fire that we had to roast our beers over because they had frozen in our car the night before. Our hotel room didn’t have a fridge and I though they would stay cold in the car. Well, that worked a little too well, and I’m lucky now they didn’t explode.

We met this hilarious old guy at the tailgate who was probably around 70. He had a fur hat on and I asked him what kind of animal it was. He tells me that was an otter, and that he had trapped it himself in central Wisconsin. What a hardass. He is also wearing a fur coat, that turns out to be raccoon. I was disappointed to then find out that he had not killed the raccoons himself.

We then go into the stadium, which is freaking gorgeous. The inside of the stadium is immaculate. I’m blown away at how awesome it is. It is one solid bowl of 70,000 people, with all of the luxury boxes built on top of the bowl. Here is a good shot of that.

And here is proof we made it to the game.

And here is proof on how ridiculously cold it was.

Yes that is a beer that froze, and it only took about 45 minutes. Like I said, it was not warm. The locals were even saying how cold of a game it was, and this is Green Bay standards. Yikes. But we made it through the whole game (code: Austin made it through the whole game), and it was an amazing experience.

Brett Favre as local God note number 2: You know how the media reported that Green Bay fans still loved Brett Favre, but were ready to move on with Aaron Rodgers? Completely false. Every time Rodgers didn’t make a play, the fans in our section would scream “Favre would have made that pass!” or “Favre would have run for the first!”, even if it was 3rd and 15. These comments were said half jokingly, but still, they would prefer Brett Favre.

All in all, it was an amazing trip. The stadium was incredible, the game was exciting (24-21 Texans on a field goal as time expired, and we to see Matt Schaub throw for 414 yards), the food was spectacular (on Sunday night Austin and I had a bowls of beer-cheese soup before dinner), the beers were fantastic (I think I counted having 6 local microbrews during the trip) and the people were nice. And of course, in true Murphy’s Law fashion, it snowed a couple of inches on Sunday…after the game.

Oh well. While it would have been heaven to have been at Lambeau during a snowstorm, I can’t complain one bit.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. For those of you that are interested, I have created a College Bowl Pickem group on ESPN.com. Here is the link to that game. Once you sign up, search for a group called Deke For Rhodes Scholar and join the Oceanliner and others. There is no password and no entry fee. Just pride.

Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and bundle up.

PS - I had to share this paragraph that Steve Czaban wrote about Peter King being a moron. One week after a great SI article, he comes back with this bologna. It’s like he’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in terms of print vs. online. Enjoy.

“How do you know Peter King is an idiot? He’s got Philadelphia ranked as his #6 ranked NFL team right now, ahead of the entire NFC South (Tampa Bay #7, Atlanta #9, Carolina #10). It will not shock anybody that King just happened to cover Philly’s win over a clearly distracted Giants team on Sunday. Like any mark, King is easily swayed by the last thing he saw, and by whatever he happens to cover in person. His blog at SI.com is very entertaining, in an unintentionally funny way. But it provides some of the worst NFL “analysis” of any writer who has covered the league for more than 5 minutes.”

Absolutely dead on. Priceress.

Quietly in to the Night

2008-12-04T17:02:00.001-05:00

And with a whimper, the UVA football season slowly came to a close. The Oceanliner was in Charlotte for Thanksgiving and got to watch the Tech game with Austin, birthday boy Potts and Tyler, which was fun. Plus we gave the Hokies a better game than I thought we would have. We had a chance to win in the fourth quarter, which is all you can really ask for. But a Favre-esque back breaking interception from Marc Verica ended the game and Virginia’s season. Two things here:

1) It was a horrendous pass. Truly God awful

2) I don’t trust people name Marc who spell their name with a c. Weird.

The Hoos “offense” did provide some entertainment value however, by running the Wildcat formation for most of the game. I can’t imagine what people who don’t follow the ACC must have been thinking if they tuned in for the game.

“Wait, you’re telling me that the starting Virginia cornerback, who hasn’t taken a rep at quarterback since high school, has taken 75% of the snaps in the biggest rivalry game of the season? What kind of Looney Tunes ship are they running in Charlottesville?”

And they would be exactly right. Except I kind of liked it. If Vic Hall is in at quarterback and running every time, there’s no way Verica can throw an interception on the same play. It almost worked too. Hall ran 16 times. 13 of these runs were completely stuffed. But of the other three, two went for touchdowns and the other for 39 yards and into Hokie territory in the 4th quarter, only down by a figgie. Then Verica comes in and throws a pick. A horrific and putrid interception. His 16th of the season. That was tied for 5th in the country. Plus he only threw 8 touchdowns. Not good. When we were riding out four game winning streak, Verica looked good and seemed like he was steadily improving every game. Well, he must have hit a wall, because he ended terribly and looks very shaky going into 2009.

Another thing about that four game winning streak and the Hoos very strange season. If you look at our results against D1A teams (so excluding Richmond), we started 0-3 (losing by an average of 36 points per game by the way)…then won four games in a row…then lost four games in a row to finish the season. Weird again. After winning those 4 games in a row we were alone in first place in the Coastal. We finished the season 11th in the conference. Bizarre.

One last thing about us running the Wildcat. When Tyler and I saw us running it, we both thought,

“Oh no, they are going to start calling this something embarrassing like the Wild Wahoo”. *hanging heads in shame*

Not to be disappointed though, the ESPN announcers actually came up with something much worse, and started to call the formation the Wahoo Cat. Tyler and I were stunned. That just didn’t make sense at all. So we came up with a better name. If you are going to call it two animals, why not the Catfish formation? I like it. So if we start running this stuff again next year, call it the Catfish. Do it.

Quietly Perprexing

A week or two ago I went to the gym at my office before work to get a run in. When I walked into the gym, there was a small Asian man running on the treadmill…with no shoes on. Now this seemed strange to me, but the dude could have forgotten his shoes at home and still wanted to get his workout in. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt. But then the guy ends his run, turns around, sits down on the treadmill, and puts on a pair of shoes. Running shoes. Strange.

While we are on the topic of treadmills, I went to the gym at my parents’ apartment complex on the morning of Thanksgiving, so as to build up a bigger appetite. I get on the treadmill and it asks me to enter my weight…and prompts me for a number between 75 and 400 pounds. Two thoughts:

1) I’m no personal trainer, but something tells me a 400 pounder is going to need a little more than a treadmill. But hey, I guess you gotta start somewhere.

2) It’s hard to believe that the same piece or machinery, which looked very brittle and flimsy, would be able to accommodate both Mary Kate Olsen and Mark Mangino.

Quietly Complimentary

Peter King is a moron, but can still sometimes crank out a good article, and I must give credit where credit is due. King wrote an excellent piece in last week’s Sports Illustrated about linebackers in the NFL, and specifically how Derrick Brooks prepared for a game against Adrian Peterson and the Vikings. I highly recommend it. You can read it here.

It appears that when King actually has to revert to real journalism for a magazine article, instead of his Favre-idolizing and horrendous tangents in an online piece, that he can actually be eloquent and insightful.

Quietly Perplexing

At a rest area on the way back from Charlotte on Sunday, I saw a black guy wearing a Davis Akers Philadelphia Eagles jersey. I was puzzled. Why would a young black dude buy the jersey of a 33 year old, balding, white kicker? Why would anyone buy a David Akers jersey? Weird.

Quiet on the Court

In an NBA game a couple of weeks ago, David West of the Hornets played 36 minutes and only had 1 rebound. He is their starting power forward. What exactly was he doing? It seems like you would have to exert enormous amounts of energy to stay away from that many rebounds during the course of a game. Weird.

Loud and Clear

The NBA coaching carousel is a joke. When Eddie Jordan got fired by the Wizards recently, he had been the longest tenured coach in the Eastern Conference…with 5 years on the job. 15 teams in the conference, and not one coach with 5 years under his belt. Silly.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Austin and I are heading to Green Bay this weekend to take in a Packers game at the Frozen Tundra. I am ecstatic. One, because it will cross off a major sports milestone in my life. And two, I don’t have to watch Brett Favre play. Thank God. Keep it real everyone. I already know you will stay safe.

Fashion Statement

2008-11-19T15:29:00.004-05:00

Well, it’s that time of year again. College basketball season to be exact, when silly undergraduates annually look retarded by wearing XXXL t-shirts under their uniform. I caught my first glimpse of this train wreck last night while watching the Carolina-Kentucky game. Here is Ed Davis, prized freshman forward, playing for the number one team in the country, at home against a storied opponent in prime time…looking like a Busch league middle school kid wearing his lucky t-shirt under his jersey.

C’mon man, pull yourself together. There is a reason the NBA doesn’t let its players wear t-shirts under their jerseys. It looks stupid and immature. You are not in high school anymore buddy. I see it across most college teams in the country, and I wish it would end.

Now if Ed decides to get fashion advice from a teammate, it certainly shouldn’t be from Tyler Hansbrough. Pyscho T was rocking a black pinstripe suit with one of those trendy black business t-shirts while riding the bench last night, and well, it didn’t look good.

I don’t know if it was the colors, the Tiger Woods t-shirt, or the haircut, but it wasn’t flattering. Marcus Ginyard, sitting next to Hansbrough and also out injured, managed to put himself together quite nicely. Hansbrough just looks lost.

What do you think those two white guys are saying to each other next to Ginyard?

“Oh shit, the black guy is looking at us, don’t move”

or…

“Man, I gotta take a wicked dump, but we still got 15 minutes until halftime”

or maybe…

“How do you get your hair so silly smooth but still have so much volume at the same time?”

and finally…

“Tell me when that lady behind us looks away. She’s freaking me out with that botox grin plastered on her face”

Since this post has degenerated into a fashion critique (happy Austin?), I might as well bring up the “barista” at my local Starbucks who apparently doesn’t believe in belts. Seriously, every time I go in there the dude has his ‘Bucks “polo” shirt tucked into khakis with no belt on. C’mon, buddy, get with the program. Not only does it look stupid not wearing a belt, but it serves a valuable purpose, and this dudes pants are falling down.

I went and saw Quantum of Solace on Monday night, and it was hella badass. Daniel Craig is an awesome, hardass Bond who just loves to wreck people. And as we continue to walk down this fashion runway (runway, get it?), I must say I saw my vision of Rugged Luxury up on the screen. James Bond IS Rugged Luxury, and it is plenty obvious in the new movie. The costume designers must have read my post on J. Oelschlager and applied it to their creation of the Bond wardrobe. There’s no other way to explain it. When J. Oelschlager gets up and running, it will definitely be the official Bond wardrobe partner. Hell, the movie makers will probably pay me to dress Bond.

I finish this week with one of the more unbelievable anecdotes ever listed in this blog, but unfortunately you must be a UVA connoisseur to fully appreciate it. I was sitting around on Sunday afternoon when I got a text from a coworker of mine who was down in Charlottesville for the Hoos home basketball opener against VMI. It read:

Singing the national anthem…Benny Dodd.

I was flabbergasted. Floored. Stunned. The fact that the one and only Benny Dodd was honoring America at a UVA basketball game blew me away. I could maybe understand in February in the dog days of ACC play, if Littlepage got Dodd to do the national anthem because there was no one with a good voice within 20 miles of Charlottesville and tip-off was in 10 minutes. But this was the home opener! Benny Dodd! Well we know he wasn’t hard to find, all they had to do was go to Coupes. I immediately sprang to my phone and let everyone know and got these hilarious responses

From Rubiak; I hope that’s a good omen for our season but all signs point to definitely not

And from Eroder; He probably sang 8 words of it and let the crowd sing the rest

Maybe the funniest part is that I was told Benny didn’t even have his trusty guitar with him out there, he was just belting the anthem out!. I can’t even imagine the reaction of people there who didn’t know who Dodd was.

*For those who don’t know, Benny Dodd is a 400 pound, mammoth, waste of a man who has been playing cover songs (poorly, I might add) at the same small, completely underage bar in Charlottesville for the last 20 years.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Godspeed.

Sidetracked

2008-11-10T22:44:00.007-05:00

Are you ready for some football? If you are…well, you’re not going to want to watch Monday Night Football, where my atrocious Niners are taking on the Cardinals, on the road no less.

Sidetrack Number 1: I am no fan of Chris Berman at this senile and Madden-like point in his career. His nicknames have gotten out of hand, but he gave one during the MNF pre-game show that made me chuckle by calling the Cardinals stadium The Big Toaster, due to the awkward opening in the top ala Texas Stadium. Tears of nostalgia came to me eyes thinking about when Berman actually bestowed good nicknames like Andre “Bad Moon” Rison and Curtis “My Favorite Martin”.

Sidetrack to a Sidetrack Number 1: Speaking of tears, I had to put this in here.

I take absolutely no credit for this one. Glubiak sent me this one, and a Cheshire cat grin spread across my face. Even though the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets are winning games, Favre is still throwing the most horrific of interceptions, the ones where you can’t even see an offensive player in the screen. Bit I digress…

The 49ers are 2-6, have lost 5 games in a row and are starting the great Shaun Hill at quarterback. Yet I still sit here in my custom Oelschlager 49ers heresy pumped as hell about watching San Fran on national television. It doesn’t matter how bad they are or how many times Singletary drops his pants, its just exciting.

Sidetrack Number 2: So it turns out the legendary Shaun Hill is number 13. My custom 49ers Oelschlager threads are also graced with that luckiest of numbers. So I am inadvertently wearing a Shaun Hill jersey. Ye gods.

The ESPN idiots ran their usual 47 person pre-game show again, and useless banter was the norm as usual. One particular head slapper stood out on this night. Berman was talking about the Jets resurgence, and asked Trent Dilfer to explain how much of a difference new nose tackle Kris Jenkins had made on the Jets D-line. Dilfer replies,

“Boom, Jenkins has been indescribably good. He’s been a monster in the front, completely dominating the other team’s O-line…”

I stopped listening after that first sentence and a half. I was trying to wrap my head around what I had just heard. Trent, buddy, first you tell me that Jenkins has been “indescribably” good. Then, pal, you go on and try to, wait for it, describe how good Jenkins has played. I all for hyperbole, but this was ridiculous.

Sidetrack Number 3: I don’t know how I stumbled across this one, but there is a blog out there solely dedicated to covering terrible announcers. May I present the official Oceanliner endorsement to Awful Announcing at awfulannouncing.blogspot.com. It is a riot. And this isn’t one of those political if-you-do-me-I’ll-do-you endorsements. I have no idea who these guys are, but they are hilarious.

Back to the 103 person pre-game show on ESPN. (Their pre-game show is like Pig Gig. Every week/year it jumps by 34). They have expanded the pre-game pickem to a preposterous eight people. Stu Scott, Steve Young, Emmit Smith, Boomer, Chris Carter, Tom Jackson, Keyshawn and Ditka all imparted their sublime knowledge on the American people. And they all picked ‘Zone. John McCain is from Arizona and he lost. Idiots.

Sidetrack Number 4: This has nothing to do with anything, but how has Sean May gotten so fat?
I was doing some fantasy basketball research and clicked on May’s profile, and his picture made me jump back from my computer. Dude has more chins than a Chinese phonebook. Good god man, stop hanging out with Lendale White.

Sidetrack Number 5: Well, these aren’t really sidetracks anymore, more like my customary random thoughts. I was driving on the Beltway one morning last week and saw a woman who was talking on her cell phone and smoking a cigarette while somehow staying on the road. I wonder a lot how there are not more accidents on the road.

Sidetrack Number 6: Is the Sports Guy stealing from the Oceanliner???? Check out this column by Bill Simmons, posted on November 7th, 9 days after I decried the Toyota Saved by Zero commercials. You’re going to want to the passage after number 17 on the Saints. Look how eerily similar it is to my last post.

Here is Simmons’ column. Conspiracy?

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Take care.

Saved By Zero

2008-10-29T20:09:00.002-04:00

Saved by zero. Saaaved by zero. Saaaved by zeeero. Toyota is doing some pretty effective marketing getting that song into my head when promoting their zero percent financing. And by effective I mean painstakingly annoying with the result of me wanting to throw a chair through my TV every time I hear it. The way the dude sings it makes it sound like the most important announcement made in the last 20 years, yet it couldn’t be more pointless. It didn’t help that they played that ad seemingly every commercial break during Saturday’s slate of college football. Give me peace. Give me savior. Not saaavvveed byyyyy zeroooooo.

The amount of over coverage and shameless self promotion reached a new low on Monday Night Countdown this week. By my count, there were nine people breaking down the action before the Colts-Titans game. Nine! Chris Berman, Tom Jackson, Keyshawn Johnson, Mike Ditka and Chris Carter were in the studio. Then they panned to a different part of the studio to get Trent Dilfer’s opinion. Then they went to Stuart Scott, Emmitt Smith and Steve Young who were at the game to get their opinions. Plus I’m sure they cut to Mort at some point for an injury update, that was probably wrong. Mort is always wrong. Jay Glazer at Fox routinely kicks Mort’s ass in delivering breaking news. This is on top of the overcrowded game call booth of Mike Tirico, Jaws and Tony Kornheiser. Don’t forget the two sideline reporters ESPN has for the game (one for each team of course), Suzy Kolber and Michelle Tafoya. And last but not least let’s remember that PTI broadcasts live from the site of MNF on Mondays, so Mike Wilbon was there too. I don’t even know what to say. I wonder how much time, effort and money ESPN wastes on this one program. Astounding.

Hey Glubiak, you having trouble remembering the URL of this blog? It’s not that hard. You see, my handy Site Meter tells me where people see my site from and what they search for. A couple times over the past three weeks there have been searches for “oceanliner, oelschlager” from South Royalton, Vermont. Vermont Law School happens to be in South Royalton, Vermont. Gee, I wonder who that could be. I'm keepin my eye on all of you.

With my 49ers falling into oblivion again, its time to look back at the 2005 NFL Draft to see where it all went wrong, when the 9ers wasted the number 1 overall pick on Tiny Hands Alex Smith. But then when you look back on it, you realize it was just a horrendous first round worth of talent. The 49ers just got bad luck in drawing the top pick in an off year. That’s no excuse though, they still chose horribly. But seriously, look at the top 10 picks from ’05:

Tiny Hands
Ronnie Brown
Braylon Edwards
Cedric “The Drunk Boater” Benson
Cadillac “Buick” Williams
Pacman Jones
Troy Williamson
Antrel Rolle
Carlos Rogers
Mike Williams

Woof. That’s like drawing first dibs on digging through trash. Before that years draft I was pissed that Matt Leinart returned for his senior year at USC instead of declaring for the draft and going number 1 to the 49ers. Now that he sucks too, the cold shoulder doesn’t sting as much.

So I took my car in for a safety inspection and oil change earlier this week. Afterwards, I pulled onto the highway and got up to cruising speed, when suddenly my car hit a pothole and the hood bounced up and down a little bit right in front of me. The dude at the shop had forgotten to latch my hood, and here I am hauling ass at 70 mph about to pull a Tommy Boy. This is not good. Fortunately there was an exit very close by and I pulled off and latched the hood. But good God. Safety inspection. Pffft, more like anti-safety inspection.

Zing!

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Saaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvveeeeeeeddddd byyyyyyyy zeeeeeeeeeee-rooooooooooooooo!

Who Am I?

2008-10-20T21:33:00.001-04:00

When did Butch Davis get replaced by a 13 year old girl as the head football coach of the North Carolina Tar Heels? I’m still trying to figure this one out after watching the pansiest set of play calls ever assembled on one football field. Maybe Davis went temporarily insane. Maybe Charlottesville makes every Carolina football team that visits forget how to tie their own shoes, evidenced by the Hoos 14 straight wins over the Tar Heels in God’s Garden. Or maybe Butch Davis really is more timid than said 13 year old girl on her first date. Whatever it was, it let the Hoos back into the game and led to one of the most exciting finishes in UVA football history. And to aid with the analysis, I’d like to play a little game.

Hi. I ordered four punts inside UVA territory. Who am I?

A) Clay Aiken
B) A 13 year old girl
C) Raggedy Ann the doll
D) Butch Davis

This was astounding. 4 early Christmas presents from good ole Butch. The last two were especially egregious. Both punts were in the third quarter, and on back to back possessions no less! The first was a 4th and 3 from the UVA 39, and seemingly 5 minutes later they booted the ball away again on 4th and 2 from the UVA 41 yard line. This is especially unbelievable considering Carolina had a running back in Shaun Draughn who would finish the day with 138 rushing yards on 4.6 yards per carry. Give him the ball! They could have iced the game on either of these possessions. Instead Davis showed absolute zero confidence in his offense and let the Cardiac Cavs linger around. Didn’t Davis see what UVA could do last year if you gave us a chance? As the punts sailed through the air, the Oceanliner laughed and said a silent prayer thanking Davis for cramping up so bad.

Moving on to door number two!

Hello. My defense allowed 168 yards and 3 points in the first 57 minutes of a football game by rushing 4 or 5 players on every snap and playing tight coverage in the secondary. Then for my opponents last drive I switched to a prevent, rushing only 3 and dropping my defensive backs into ridiculously loose and lenient coverage. They went 82 yards in 1 minute and 35 seconds and scored the game tying touchdown. Who am I?

A) Snow White
B) Yates Knowlton
C) In the Babysitters Club
D) Butch Davis

This drive was comical. Davis managed to make Matt Verica look like Joe Montana running the two-minute drill. The only thing Davis’ prevent accomplished was preventing Carolina from winning the game. On the last drive, Verica completed 7 consecutive passes. He had consecutive completions of 26, 7, 6, 16, 17, and 9 yards to get the Hoos to the Carolina two yard line. He then actually threw an incompletion, but only because you can’t run a prevent from the two yard line. I’m actually surprised Davis didn’t figure out a way to do it. This drive was hilarious because we actually left Carolina with too much time on the clock. Or so I thought…

Greetings. Coming into a football game last Saturday, my offense had averaged over 30 points per game. The game was tied and my team got the ball back with 47 seconds left at the 20 yard line. I “coach” college football, where the clock stops for a while after every first down. But instead of trying to score, I took a knee like a huge biotch and decided to go to overtime, when the momentum was clearly not on our side. Who am I?

A) A PETA activist
B) The Little Mermaid
C) That baby in the E*Trade commercial
D) Butch Davis

At this point I knew the game was ours. Davis had given up on the game and his players. The resulting overtime was awesome. I had about 10 people over at my house to watch the game and we were all going crazy. Good stuff. The win had more to do with the Cavs resilience than horrifically conservative play calling by Davis, but it didn’t help. Thanks Butchy Boy, I owe you one.

Somehow, the Hoos are now sitting in a tie for first (in the loss column) in the ACC, with monumental games coming up in the next five weeks. I for one, can’t wait, as Virginia football still means something heading into November, something I didn’t see happening when we were 1-3. Wahoowah, bitches.

I bought a single Gatorade from CVS last week and the receipt they gave me needed its own folder it was so big. I got home and measured it and the freakin thing was 35 inches long. Who the shit wants a 3 foot long receipt from a convenience store?

Insert self deprecating joke about me measuring a receipt I got.

I’m actually impressed with the Lions for their deal that sent Roy Williams to the Cowboys. Thank God they fired Matt Millen, because he never would have done something this shrewd. Williams was going to be a free agent at the end of the season, and there’s no way the Lions were going to re-sign him. So they went out and made a pretty good deal and netted some nice draft picks in return. They got a first, third, and sixth round pick for Williams and a seventh round pick. That’s a helluva haul for a really good but not awesome receiver that you were going to lose anyway. And it’s not like they were playing for anything this season.

So the silly Canadians had an election last week and elected this joker.

This dude’s hair is out of control. It looks like something they would glue on Darrell Hammond’s head before he did an SNL impression. Scary.

Washington State lost to USC 69-0 on Saturday. They have now been outscored 289-33 in their five PAC-10 losses. Woof. Count that as the most emphatic Oceanliner woof to date.

In my car over the weekend, I saw an old Asian woman walking down the street while twirling in circles. It didn’t appear she was dancing. Her arms were straight down at her sides and she was very rigid. But as she walked, she kept turning around in circles as she made her way forward. It’s a bizzaro world sometimes.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I am having a Halloween party at my house this Saturday, so come on by if you can make it. It’s a week early, but its time to get in the mood. Show up without a costume though, and we have a box of sorority girl costumes that we will dress you up in. Seriously. Anyhoo, stay safe out there. Keep it real. And Butch Davis wears panty hose.

Extra, extra, read all about it!

2008-10-10T07:26:00.001-04:00

So about a month ago I was sitting around, pondering how many people actually read this here train wreck of a blog. Surely there had to be an online service that told you how many people came to your site. Indeed there was. Helpful Oceanliner reader and friend Andrew “Eroder” Eschenroeder knew of such a site and forwarded me the proper info. So since the beginning of September I have been able to track not only how many visits my blog gets, but other interesting and sometimes hilarious details about my visitors.

One thing that is pretty cool is that it tells you the physical location of the person who clicked on my blog; by city, state and country. I have had people read my blog (well maybe not read, if someone is on the site for only a couple of seconds it counts as a hit) from all over the US of A, and also from a number of foreign countries as well. People from Finland, Germany, Australia, England, South Africa, the Bahamas, Sweden, Canadia, and South Korea have checked out the Oceanliner. Herro.

The best and most hilarious part though about this website tracker service, is that if someone used a Google search and clicked one of the results to reach the Oceanliner, it tells me what that person searched for to get there. And some one them, my friends are absodudtely priceless. So without further ado, I give you the Most Hilarious Google Searches That Somehow Directed People to the Oceanliner.

where can you hear music on a ocean liner

I didn’t know this was such a big concern when on a cruise ship.

Famous oceanliner that starts with an s

Apparently this is bothering someone somewhere

Ryan pettinella
ryan pettinella Italian
ryan pettinella Italy

These were three different searches, and I’m proud that the Oceanliner came up as a result. I bet I’ve wrote more about Pett than anyone. Ever.

One curious tidbit is that all three searches came from New York. Pett is from New York. You readin’ the Oceanliner Pett?

darren sharper best ball hawking db
amare stoudemire is a freak
josh beckett and dustin pedroia hemp necklace

These were the great sports related searches. There were also some great ones that I forgot to write down that were along the lines of “red sox annoying fans” and “red sox douche hemp necklaces”. I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks they look like a bunch of hippie wannabe losers.

doggers shoes cvs crocs which one is better

Asking which one of these is better is choosing the one that sucks the least. And I’m glad this person got how I really felt.

tea bag someone
dude getting tea bagged

Alarmingly, there have been five or six searches for each of these. The nation’s passed out people need to beware, there are some sickos out there. And alarmingly for me, when you Google search “dude getting tea bagged”, my blog is the 5th result.

"i'm on first and first. how can the same street intersect with itself? i must be at the nexus of the universe!"

Man I would have to take a nap in the middle of writing that search its so long. Why someone would need to type the entire quote into a Google search is beyond me. The fact that they got forwarded to a comment some guy named “Gutie” made on a joker blog called “the Oceanliner” is great. Something tells me this isn’t the page he was looking for.

what is the name of the tall musician in the freecreditreport.com commercials?

One, “musician” is a generous term. Two, did this commercial really land some girl hook, line and sinker? Enough to Google search him? F-r-e-e that spells free…

teradactyl

While I would like to think this person was looking for awesome Josh Smith analysis and searched for the nickname I gave him, unfortunately I have to believe they were looking for the dinosaur.

aj feeley sayings

I’ll be honest here. I’ve seen a bunch of John Wooden and Vince Lombardi quotes in my day. I’ve read tons of Chuck Norris Jokes, and I recognize Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy when I see them. But I have never, ever, come across a trancendant AJ Feely saying, the 8-year career backup NFL journeyman from Oregon. Maybe I need to be more cultured.

3rd Place: Oceanliner Search Department

is brady quinn a douche bag

This one just cracks me up every time I think about it. I imagine some guy sitting around his house, restlessly pacing up and down the hallway with a huge predicament on his mind…is Brady Quinn a douche bag? As a matter of last resort he sprints down the hallway and frantically types in this search, desperate for answers that will alleviate his thirst for this piece of knowledge. And then reads my comparison of Brady Quinn to Johnny Utah…

2nd Place: Oceanliner Search Department

Plaxico burress crystal meth

There’s really nothing to say here. Someone actually searched for this, and somehow ended up on this site. Indeed, if you type in those words, the third result is the Oceanliner. Oh well, this is the company I keep.

1st Place: Oceanliner Search Department

There really wasn’t any competition for first place. The number one search was so funny that it almost blew my mind. The place the search originated from makes this search of epic proportions. So I give you, from Seoul, South Korea, the number one most hilarious Oceanliner search:

Ribrary

*Pause* I kid you not. Someone from South Korea searched the Internet for “ribrary”. Again, not much more to say here, only lots of laughter. And if you do the search yourself, you can see the top two results on the entire Internet for ribrary are my humble brog. As I’ve said many times before, you can’t make this shit up.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Oh wait, one more thing. It turns out you are reading the writing of a famous person. Yours truly has gotten a comment published in the most recent issue of Sports Illustrated, the one with Manny Ramirez on the cover. You’ll just have to check it out for yourself. So until next time, stay safe, keep it real and flick those wasps.

Sneed Me

2008-10-01T17:30:00.003-04:00

Reality Check of the Week: I would be the worst Starbucks employee ever. I have enough trouble remembering people’s names right after I meet them, much less trying to get a hold of some blue tooth wearing guido whose ordering a triple shot venti skim with room but no whip americana plywood style frappacino. I don’t know how they do it, especially when its busy in the morning and there are 20 people in line and there are 5 people running around behind the counter. Seriously, I was at a presidential debate party on Friday night and met 20 new people, and have retained none of their names. More props to the Bucks employees, I wouldn’t last 10 minutes.

Scooby Doo Related Item of the Week: So I have a mystery that needs all loyal Oceanliner readers help to solve. I saw a vanity license plate that I could not decipher and its driving me nuts. It was a Virginia plate and read PR8PRD. What does this mean? (L-Dub, I don’t think it has a dirty connotation, but I’m sure it will in your mind)

Sign of the Week: After Alabama’s thorough beat down of Georgia, the ESPN cameras were panning the Crimson Tide crowd and some one was holding a sign that read “BAMA beats the dogs worse than Vick”. Buuuuurn.

Quote of the Week: SI.com writer Stewart Mandel, on Steve Spurrier underachieving at South Carolina: “Remember, by this point in Lou Holtz's tenure, he'd already led South Carolina to consecutive New Year's bowls, which is fairly remarkable considering that when you watch him on TV today, he barely sounds competent enough to tie his own shoes.” Hirarious. And true.

Turrible Quote of the Week: Packers wide receiver Donald Driver, on….something: “You know the saying about having a house full of people, and if you don't get in there and eat, the food will be gone? Well, we left some food on that table last year. We have to make sure that the next time, we clean the table, wash the dishes and put everything away.” *blank stare*

Call of the Week: On Tuesday night I watched most of the Twins-White Sox one game playoff, which was actually very riveting even though it turned out to be a 1-0 game. One of the best parts was enjoying how expertly Dick Stockton delivered the play-by-play. Right after the two biggest plays in the game (Thome’s home run and the diving catch for the final out), Stockton said nothing for a solid 20 seconds so we could enjoy the sight and sound of 40,000+ fans going absolutely bonkers. It was spot on for Stockton to realize that there are no words to add to such a great scene, so he said nothing at all. Too often announcers fight against the roar of the crowd instead of waiting for it to die down and enjoy the moment (Mike Tirico, who I normally like, is a frequent abuser). Kudos to Stockton, who made the game more enjoyable for me by doing less.

Head Scrathcer of the Week: While the one game playoff was awesome, I’m part of the camp that thinks it shouldn’t have been played at all. If two teams finish tied for a division lead with the same record, the team that won the head to head season series should go to the playoffs. Even including Tuesday’s game, the Twins beat the White Sox in the season series, yet they are the ones sitting at home. The Twins didn’t even get home field for the playoff! It was a coin flip instead. Doesn’t make sense in my book.

Low Arc of the Week: Check out this logo for some so called National Beer Pong League
This dude obviously sucks at beer pong. Notice the extremely low trajectory on his shot, it’s a freakin missile. Even Yates and his Alanis Morrissette “One Hand in My Pocket” shot would roll on this dude.

College Football Thoughts of the Week

I said it before with Ohio State, and I’ll say it again with regards to USC. It annoyed me so much when talking heads on TV started to break down the “inevitable” Oklahoma-USC national title game after the Trojans beat the Buckeyes. This is a direct quote from my August 29th post about OSU, but you can apply it to USC: “Saying that a team in a power conference will “probably” sweep their remaining 9 times is ludicrous.” In the Oregon State-USC recap, ESPN.com describes how the Beavers “shook up college football with a victory over the team that was expected to roll right through its conference straight to the national championship game.” It’s so ridiculous to talk about who will play in and win the national title game after 4 games. I bet we are going to start hearing breakdowns of the Oklahoma-Alabama national title game this week. It so stupid.

There’s not much to say about the UVA-Duke game. We got destroyed. It’s time for Groh to go. I want someone young. I want someone with energy. I want…Lane Kiffin. Seriously, let’s offer him a job right now. Carolina fired John Bunting in mid season two years ago so they could start talking to Butch Davis sooner. Let’s do the same thing with Kiffin. He’s young and energetic and actually got the Raiders to perform. He’s perfect. If we wait he’s going to slip away to some one else. Unite behind me, Hoo Wants Kiffin!

This might be the most embarrassed I’ve ever been. I hate when people use “Hoos” in a group or organizational name.

Moving on to Stats class, turnover margin has never been more important than it was in college football this past week. There were 53 contests, and in only 7 did the team with more turnovers win the game. Oregon State had 0 turnovers to USC’s 2 in their tight win. Florida had 3 turnovers to Ole Miss’ 1 in their loss at the swamp. And in the most hilarious example, Hawaii had 6 turnovers to San Jose State’s 0. Final score: Hawaii lost by 3. Imagine if the had “only” had 3-4 turnovers.

Michigan State running back Javon Ringer is averaging 37 carries per game after his 44 carry, 198 yard day against Indiana. He’s in this column every week.

Indiana’s Marcus Thigpen must be related to Ontario Sneed after his day against the Spartans. He had 9 carries for 113 yards and 2 touchdowns and added 2 catches for 94 yards and a score. So not only can he do it all, but he has a sweet name too. Consider Sneed and Thigpen the initial members of my 2008 college football all name team, to be added to weekly.

Speaking of Mr. Sneed, Ontario plowed away for a solid 16 carries, 77 yards and 2 TD’s in Central Michigan’s 2 point win over Buffalo. Sneed me.

Syracuse has a wide receiver named Van Chew. Seriously, Van Chew. He only had 1 catch Saturday against Pittsburgh, but it went for a 36 yard touchdown. Van Chew, no joke.

In that same game, Pitt held the ball for 38 out of the 60 minutes. That’s ball control if I’ve ever seen it, but I guess that’s what happens when you have 241 rushing yards.

Why doesn’t Florida give carries to its running backs??? Emanuel Moody and Chris Rainey, who are good, got a combined 6 carries in their loss to Ole Miss. Direct Oceanliner quote from September 11: “Florida is going to have trouble winning the SEC without a running game.”

Carolina had 33 carries for 35 yards, but still beat Miami. Barely. I can’t think of a pass closer to being caught that turned into a pick.

Miami had 11 different people catch passes against Carolina.

Conversely, Boston College had 27 passing yards against Rhode Island, but won 42-0.

Army apparently tried the BC strategy against Texas A&M (4 total passing yards, 4!), but unfortunately came up short in a 21-17 loss.

VMI completed only 3 passes against Ohio, but 2 of them went for touchdowns

Weird game, that Wisconsin-Michigan contest. Wisconsin led 19-0 at the half, then forgot how to play football. They allowed 27 straight unanswered Wolverine points before finally scoring with 13 seconds left, but couldn’t convert the deuce.

Houston had 2 receivers go over 100 yards against sinking ECU. Funny thing is, it took Patrick Edwards 11 catches to do it, but Kierrie Johnson only 4.

West Virginia played Marshall on Saturday, which must be a headache for state officials, because no matter what the outcome of the game is, couches are going to be burning somewhere across the state after that game.

Louisiana-Lafayette rushed for 335 yards and didn’t turn the ball over, yet still lost to Kansas State.
Riley Skinner and Matt Verica apparently had a “Whose the Worst QB in the ACC” challenge over the weekend. Verica had 4 interceptions and a fumble, while Skinner added 4 picks of his own. Both teams lost. I’ll call it a draw.

Not only did Skinner have 4 picks threw the air, Wake only managed 43 yards rushing on 31 carries for the game. Those two combined will not get a win, that’s for sure.

Here’s another weird game, with many levels of intrigue. Rice put up a 77 spot on North Texas, yet didn’t score in the 4th quarter. Imagine if they had played hard the whole game. The other weird thing is that at one point the score was 28-20, and then Rice scored 49 unanswered points. North Texas forgot how to play football worse than Wisconsin.

Rice quarterback Chase Clement was a Chase Daniel-esque (is it in the name?) 22-28 for 298 yards and 5 touchdowns.

North Texas has allowed 219 points in 4 games. (They are 0-4)

Against Colorado State, Cal scored touchdowns on a blocked punt, a pick 6, and a punt return. How versatile.

Oklahoma receiver Manuel Johnson had 5 catches for 206 yards and three scores against TCU. I think the Horned Frogs will be working on their secondary this week.

Tulsa had an incredibly balanced offensive game against Central Arkansas. They scored 62 points and broken down by quarter it was 14, 14, 17 and 17.

NC State quarterback Harrison Beck completed 9 passes against South Florida for 239 yards. But because he also had 23 incompletions, he only averaged 7.5 yards an attempt. Weird.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Austin and I are heading to God’s Garden for the Maryland game on Saturday, and even though we are terrible, I’m still looking forward to it. A 7pm game means a full day of tailgating, and not much can beat that. Give me a shout or stop by Alumni Hall if you are going to be in town. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and go to the launch pad.

Jabba the Hut and Other Perusements

2008-09-24T21:15:00.006-04:00

Some things are meant to be seen in high definition. Mike Patrick is not one of them. I was at a sports bar on Saturday night and inadvertently turned around to a 70-inch HD projection close up of Mike Patrick and almost had a heart attack. Looking at him with preparation is bad enough; a sneak attack is downright deadly. Seriously, the dude is ugly. It makes me so mad that the Georgia-Alabama game is going to be called by Jabba the Hut instead of Verne.

Patrick should be the one calling the sloppy-seconds Auburn-Tennessee game, not Verne.

So I was in the airport on Friday morning and walked passed a 5 Guys where multiple people were chowing down on double cheeseburgers at 7 in the morning.

Woof.

One of my favorite things about flying is looking through all of the preposterous products in Sky Mall. My personal favorite from last week; the Pet Observation Porthole.

This is a device you can install in your fence so your dog can see the outside world. I can’t think of anything more essential. The description of the product says that the porthole will “quench your dog’s natural curiosity and also may help reduce barking and other undesirable behaviors.” Yours for only $30.

On the flight back from New York that same night (long day), we flew right over Yankee Stadium as a game was going on. It was very cool stuff as we had only just taken off and were still low to the ground, and you could see all the flashbulbs going off at the Stadium with the lit up Manhattan skyline in the background. Yes, I felt like a baller.

Yes! Anecdotes from the beginning, middle and end of my trip. Perfect symmetry. And now onto to the box score perusements of the week.

West Virginia hired the complete wrong guy in Bill Stewart, but that’s beside the point here. The Mountaineers only threw for 43 yards against Colorado, but you can keep it close when you rush for 311. Starting “quarterback” Pat White had 148 yards on 19 carries and two scores while Noel “Darren Sproles Jr” added 133 yards on 26 carries. It’s not a good sign when your quarterback’s longest run is longer that his total passing yards for the game, which is exactly what happened to WVU this weekend. Watch for the Couch Burners to continue struggling this year, and for Uconn to win the “Big” East.

If you want to talk about a dominant running game on a team that’s actually good, you need to look at Georgia Tech. The Jackets had a staggering 438 rushing yards against Mississippi State, including four different players with 50+ rushing yards. Defense was the supposed reason Sylvester Croom was brought to Starkville, but Paul Johnson made him look like a fool in a 38-7 beat down (the Bulldogs didn’t even score until mid way through the fourth quarter). Count the Oceanliner among those who were chugging the Haterade when GT hired Johnson, but the guy obviously knows how to coach, and the Ramblin’ Wreck look solid.

On the other end of the spectrum, South Carolina State did not have their finest rushing day against Clemson. The Bulldogs had -10 rushing yards on 21 carries. That’s not going to help the average.

Ugly Game of the Week: Northwestern’s 16-8 win over Ohio featured 3 field goals, a 1 yard touchdown run, a 12 yard touchdown pass, a failed two point conversion and 9 total turnovers. Nine times.

My boy Ontario Sneed from Central Michigan continues to impress, no matter what Tyler says about his sweet ass name. The jack of all trades followed up last weeks two touchdown run performance with two touchdown catches this week against Purdue.

The aerial attack in the Boston College-Central Florida game was not what the offensive coordinators were hoping for. The two teams combined for seven interceptions. On the other hand, nobody fumbled!

In another bumbled aerial “attack”, Wyoming had three different quarterbacks throw picks against BYU.

In foreign policy news, the Akron kicker’s name is Igor Iveljic. I feel bad for the guy who comes to America to explore new worlds and ends up in Akron, Ohio.

Chase Daniel is a bad man. Dude completed 20 consecutive passes against Buffalo en route to 439 yards and 2 TD’s. He was 36-43 for the game, and is impressing me mightily. Impressive in the box scores that it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him play on TV yet. I need to fix that this year.

Previous box score perusing subject Javon Ringer of Michigan State is quickly becoming a staple of this space. Ringer followed up his 43 carry 282 yard performance against Florida Atlantic with another 39 carries and 201 yards against Notre Dame. H-O-R-S-E.

The Irish, on the other hand, had a stellar 22 carries for 16 yards.

No one is more excited for free post-surgery ice cream than Charlie Weis. No one.

Carolina’s backup quarterback completed five passes against the Hokies. Unfortunately two of them were to the wrong team. But guess who it is, Mike Paulus, brother of Dukie Greg. Well, Greg is used to throwing balls to the other team, so Mike is following in his footsteps. Heyoooo!

Fellow Episcopal High School grad Danny Coale led Tech in catches and receiving yards against UNC, as a freshman. Yes, we are taking over the world. John McCain is also an EHS grad. Like I said, no one can stop us. Except maybe old age.

Oregon has a running back named Jeremiah Johnson. What a head scalping badass.

Ian Johnson, Boise State running back who proposed after the Fiesta Bowl against Oklahoma, is still there. Way to throw your college experience away to marriage, I thought that guy had to be a senior back then.

One of Western Kentucky’s “quarterbacks” was 2-2 for -9 yards against Murray State. That’s hard to do, especially when they still won by 41.

Louisiana Lafayette had two rushers go for over 150 yards, with the quarterback going for 150 on the dot and their running back churned out a buck 94.

I got a headache looking at the New Mexico-Tulsa box score. D. Johnson had 469 passing yards and D. Johnson also had 109 receiving yards for Tulsa. I must have had a case of the Mondays, as it took me about a minute to realize they were different people.

Nicholls State completed two passes in the entire game against Memphis and was still tied at the half.

Quote of the Week: Warren Buffet is a badass, and he summed up the current financial situation like this. “You only learn who has been swimming naked when the tide goes out – and what we are witnessing at some of our largest financial institutions is an ugly sight.”

So Spain beat the United States in the Davis Cup over the weekend. Weird thing was, they played the tennis matches in the Madrid bullfighting ring.

Silly Spaniards, Trix are for kids.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I’m incredibry nervous about the Hoos taking on the Dukies in Durham. It’s a noon game, so if UVA loses, its going to be a long Saturday. But until next time, stay safe, keep it real and let it hang.

Perusing the Boxscore

2008-09-17T22:10:00.001-04:00

Irony: So it turns out that little kid in the AIG commercial who couldn’t sleep because he was worried about his family’s financial security was onto something, huh?

There is a doctor’s office in the basement of my office building. One morning this week I saw a nurse hastily finishing a cigarette, at 7:45 am mind you, before going down to the basement for work. I was appalled. How can this person be trusted to advise someone on their health if they are a smoker? There should be a Good Samaritan Law where if you catch a nurse or doctor smoking you can report them and they lose their license on the spot. How would you feel as a patient if your doctor or nurse came in reeking of cigarette smoke?

Another weekend of college football come and gone; another full slate of interesting box scores to analyze. I swear, there are 10 things every week that I have never seen before. Take the Air Force-Houston game for example. Air Force didn’t complete a pass in the entire game…and won! Their quarterback was 0-7, but get this; the Falcons ran the ball 71 times for 380 yards and scored 31 points. Talk about a ground game. Air Force still managed 5.4 yards per carry on those 71 rushes, and as you can expect, won the time of possession battle. How intriguing.

Irony No. 2: The ESPN.com headline for the Cal-Maryland game read “Maryland’s relentless defense stifles No. 23 Cal”. Hmmmmm. Cal scored 27 points, got 26 first downs, racked up 461 yards of offense and only turned the ball over once. Yeah, “stifling” defense there in College Park. The real stifler was whoever scheduled the game for noon, so that kickoff felt like 9am for the Bears.

Michigan State running back Javon Ringer carried the ball 43 freakin times against Florida Atlantic, and still averaged 6.6 yards per carry for the day. That’s 282 rushing yards for you math majors out there. What a horse.

Navy running back Javod Bryant was the anti-Javon Ringer on Saturday. The Midshipman (note: in the singular) had 14 carries for a whopping 8 yards, averaging an impressive 0.6 yards per carry. Adding insult to a poor performance, Bryant had to go back to getting his balls hazed off knowing he lost to Duke. Tough day.

Continuing with odd rushing performances, Central Michigan’s Ontario Sneed summoned his inner Jerome Bettis and produced these numbers: 6 carries for 15 yards and 2 touchdowns. Consider Ontario Sneed my favorite name in college football. A great flow.

Oklahoma State absurdly had three running backs rush for more than 130 yards each against Missouri State, and they all needed less than 15 carries to do it. Keith Toston had 11 carries for 148 yards and a score. “Backup” Beau Johnson rushed 13 times for 138 yards and two TD’s. And “third stringer” Kendall Hunter added 132 yards on 11 carries and two touchdowns. Do you think these three laughed at “water boy” Michael Roberts after the game, who got 12 carries but only managed to gain 37 yards?

Washington State is really, really bad. They have lost their first three games by a combined 150-33, including Saturday’s 45-17 loss to mighty Baylor. If they can’t beat Portland State this week, it might be time just to give up.

As my Dad put accurately put it, Auburn hit a walk off homer in the ninth to beat Mississippi State 3-2. Woof.

The 16-13 Wyoming-North Dakota State game was another yawner. 5 field goals, a 2 yard touchdown run and a 3 yard touchdown pass. 13 punts. In Wyoming. Double woof.

BYU’s utter demolition of UCLA was about as methodical as you can get. 6 of the Cougars 7 touchdowns came from within 15 yards of the end zone. Their longest play from scrimmage was 37 yards. But every play seemingly got 7 yards. BYU threw for 337 and rushed for 184. They completed 77% of their passes and ran for 4.1 yards per carry. The defense pitched a shutout and forced 4 turnovers. That’ll get you to 59-0.

UCLA is bad. But do you know who is not bad? Sam Bradford and Chase Daniel. The Oklahoma quarterback was 18-21 for 304 yards a 5 TD’s while his Missouri counterpart went 23-28 for 405 yards and 4 TD’s. They both averaged over 14 yards per attempt.

Hawaii got the first laugh against Oregon State, but the Beavers got the last seven. After going up 7-0, the Warriors gave up 45 straight points. After their first drive, Hawaii went punt, punt, punt, punt, pick, missed field goal, pick, punt, pick, punt, punt, turnover on downs. After going 73 yards for a touchdown in just 1:57, Hawaii gained just 133 yards on their next 12 drives and 20:36 time of possession. Not good.

Regrettably UVA actually made the trip to Storrs and got walloped 45-10 by Uconn. I didn’t watch it but the most unacceptable part of the recap was seeing that the Huskies scored touchdowns on their first four possessions. That is truly pathetic. This from a UVA team whose defense is supposed to keep the team afloat this year. The Cavs allowed a tremendous 382 rushing yards, including 206 to Donald Brown alone. Uconn average 7.2 yards per carry, as opposed to 2.2 for the Cavs. This season is teetering on the edge of disaster. We have a bye week before playing Duke, which unfortunately is going to be a close game. Woof.

The St. Louis Rams may have a worse defense than UVA, but at least Chris Long is busting his ass per usual. Long had the first sack of his NFL career on Sunday, hopefully the first of many more. Good for him.

Also playing well on Sunday is the new starting tight end of the Indianapolis Colts, Tom Santi. The former Wahoo was filling in for the injured Dallas Clark, and had 5 catches for 29 yards. That’s a helluva place to be as a rookie.

So Austin and I had dinner at the Austin Grill last weekend (insert joke here). Well it turns out they have a meal called the Hangover Burger. It is a half-pound bacon cheeseburger with and fried egg and Texas chili on it. I was tempted to get it but A) my arteries screamed bloody murder and B) I wasn’t hung-over. The next time I’m hankering for a solid meal though, I know where to turn.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and fill ‘er up.

Saturdays with Verne

2008-09-11T20:18:00.002-04:00

Breathe in deeply. Smell that? It’s the smell of fall and the greatest time of the year: football season. Now that the NFL kicked off we are in full pigskin mode and I’m ecstatic. I’m even happier that we are swinging into college conference play and I’ll have my weekly, Saturday afternoons date at 3:30 with Verne. Besides bowls and the NFL playoffs, nothing in football makes me as happy as listening to Verne Lundquist call the 3:30 SEC game on CBS. It is a pure pleasure. Watching the best college football in the land being called by the oracle that is Verne is simply sublime. This week we get USC-Georgia. And while the Dawgs will probably win, Spurrier always seems to give Georgia fits, no matter who he’s coaching. So here’s to you Verne, and to you SEC, for making fall more enjoyable.

So the world’s best pun writers have been having a field day with the news that Kim Jong Il is ill. Sounds like he’s been doing too many things that aren’t good for the Seoul! Zing! Shit, that’s South Korea. I’ve got nothing.

Perusing the college football box scores can yield some pretty hilarious statistics, especially early in the season when teams are playing D1-AA jokers at a rapid rate. Normal games can also produce odd stats. Here are some of my favorites from this past weekend, plus general football thoughts as well.

UVA’s next opponent, Connecticut, did not exactly light it up against Temple on Saturday, winning a 12-9 overtime snooze fest. What was strange is that Uconn running back Donald Brown had 214 yards on 36 carries…but didn’t score a touchdown until overtime. Apparently Brown ran wild until his team got into scoring position, and then he either got stuffed or he didn’t get the ball, I don’t know. Brown averaged 5.9 yards per carry, but his long was only 19. He ran for 6 yards on every carry 36 times it seems like, until his team needed it most that is. It didn’t help that the Uconn kicker was 2/5 on field goals. Very strange.

Virginia didn’t exactly light up the scoreboard either against Richmond. A huge problem is that Mikell Simpson rushed 23 times for a paltry 36 total yards. Dude could only average 1.6 yards per carry against freakin Richmond. Meanwhile, Cedric Peerman had 60 yards on 10 carries. Now I’m no coach, but it seems like Peerman should have gotten more carries. C’mon Al. Another huge problem is that our starting quarterback is a retarded pothead.

The UVA-Richmond game was the lowest scoring game of the weekend. Second lowest scoring game? Uconn-Temple. They can probably give the scoreboard operator the night off this coming Saturday.

Florida is going to have big trouble winning the SEC without a running game. The Gator running backs ran 9 times for 7 yards against Miami. Tim Tebow and Percy Harvin ran 18 times for 82 yards, but having your quarterback and best receiver doing double duty like that for a season is not going to hold up.

Texas State played a strange game against SMU. On offense, Texas State either scored or turned the ball over. For the whole game. They didn’t punt or turn the ball over on downs once. Here is the Texas State drive summary: fumble, fumble, interception, fumble, touchdown, touchdown, interception, touchdown, field goal, touchdown, touchdown. They were either amazing or atrocious. If there are any moral victories, it is turning the ball over on your first 4 possessions and only losing by 11.

There were only two punts in the whole SMU-Texas State game.

There were 13 punts in the UVA-Richmond game.

There were 12 punts in the Uconn-Temple game.

I’ll say it again, Uconn plays UVA this week. Ye gods.

After tying the game at 7, Montana State watched Kansas State score 62 unanswered points, including three defensive touchdowns. That would be quite demoralizing.

Arkansas State opened their game against Texas Southern by going on a 52-0 run. In the first half. Texas Southern then kicked a field goal to “cut” the lead to 52-3. Again, I’m no coach, but when I’m down 52-0, before halftime, I ain’t kickin’ no godamn field goal.

Arkansas State ran for 441 yards on 44 carries in the game. That’s right, they averaged 10 yards a carry on 44 carries. That’s beyond video game ridiculousness.

Oklahoma State had both a running back and a wide receiver go over 200 yards for the day against Houston. Kendall Hunter had 210 yards on 22 carries and 2 touchdowns and Dez Bryant had 9 catches for 236 yards and 3 touchdowns. That’s Monopoly money.

Cal’s Jahvid Best had two 80+ yard touchdown runs against Wazzu. Besides those two runs Best averaged only 2.8 yards per carry. Including those runs, Best averaged 14.2 yards per carry. Best had more rushing yards than Washington State had total yards. And this was a conference game. Ye gods.

The answer to last week’s riddle is a trick question. Girls would never be in the woods in the first place on their cell phones. They would either be in their car, walking on the sidewalk, sitting at the dinner table, or going grocery shopping.

During halftime of Monday Night Football I got excited because I thought they were going to bring back the Jacked Up segment, where they show the biggest hits of the week. I was sorely disappointed when I discovered that the segment had been renamed Sunday Thunder, they only showed 3 hits instead of 5, and that everyone in the booth didn’t scream when the person got hit. Add it to the infinite list of why ESPN is going into the toilet.

Did yall catch the US Open final where Federer wiped his ass with Andy Murray? Maybe it wouldn’t have been such a rout if Murray hadn’t been sporting such egregious facial hair.

Good God man. Some people need to accept that they just can’t grow good facial hair. Like Tyler. Or 2nd Lieutenant Owen T. Caldwell I should say.

So I’m doing a college football pick’em and one of the games this week is Iowa-Iowa State. I know nothing about either team so I decided to check their schedules, as both are 2-0, to see if either had beaten anyone of consequence. It turns out both teams have played the weakest schedule on either side of the Mississippi. The two pansy Iowa teams have played South Dakota State, Kent State, Maine and Florida International. What a pair of sack-less coaches. Good luck playing in the Midol Bowl Boys.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Enjoy the glory of football season. Stay safe everyone.

Labor Day Doldrums

2008-09-05T11:39:00.002-04:00

It’s a short week so all you get is a short post.

The pride of Charlottesville, Sean Singletary, has been traded yet again this off season. He was drafted by the Kings, only to be shipped to the Rockets in the Ron Artest trade. Then in late August, 44 was traded again, this time to the Suns in exchange for DJ Strawberry. I find this personally hilarious, as I have many vivid memories of Singletary wiping the floor with Strawberry’s carcass. The Suns are a good fit for Singletary, who will get many chances to show what he can do in the open court, where he was at his strongest anyway. Plus the Suns want to lower Steve Nash’s minutes, which gives more opportunity. The only other point guard the Suns have is a 22 year old Slovenian named Goran Dragic, so there is a good chance Singletary will get some solid minutes. Especially when this is what Dragic looks like:

Singletary is going to eat him alive. I can’t wait to see 44 lobbing alley oops to Shaq and the Human Freight Train, Amare Stoudemire.

The Crocs situation has gotten out of hand. I saw a knockoff version of the already hideous shoes in CVS that are called Doggers, with their logo being a dogs head. Wow. At least if you are going to blatantly rip off another brand you should call your product something a little different. But no, they choose another animal nickname. As Chuck Berkeley would say, turrible.

Someone at ESPN must have lost a bet to Lou Holtz. How else can you explain his continued (increased even!) presence on television. The newest embarrassment is “Paging Dr. Lou”, where he answers athletes’ questions. I’ll say it again; the guy lacks every quality you need to be on TV: he’s stupid, anti insightful, he can’t speak the English language and he’s hideous.

Here’s a riddle for you. If a tree falls in the woods, but everyone in the woods are girls talking on their cell phones, does the tree make a sound? And if it does, do the girls in the supermarket who are talking on their cell phones to the girls in the woods hear the tree fall and realize they are getting in everyone’s way? Check back in next week for the answer.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Charlottesville was amazing last weekend, even though the game was an embarrassment. Tubing on Sunday was glorious, per usual. Until next time, as always, stay safe, keep it real and tee it up.

God's Garden

2008-08-29T09:50:00.000-04:00

Oh herro. It’s good to be back. Austin and I spent the last week in the Outer Banks enjoying paradise. All I did was lie on the beach, eat delicious home cooked meals, drink beer and play a glorious round of golf. It was quite spectacular. And while it was hard to come back to the working world after such a serene week, at least I had something to get me through it: Game Day. Football season is finally here after a long hibernation through the end of winter, spring and most of summer. I’ve had an extra bounce in my step in anticipation of Game Day, when UVA takes on Southern Cal in an awesome home opener. You bet your ass the Oceanliner will be back in God’s garden to watch the Trojans take on the Cavs in Scott Stadium. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

I love that we scheduled such a high profile opponent for the opening game. Even though we will most likely lose, everyone I know is excited about watching us play USC. It’s an elevated sense of hype and interest in the program heading into a new season that the like of Wyoming and Middle Tennessee State can’t build. So kudos to Littlepage and Groh for throwing their nuts on the table. The excitement on Game Day is going to be palpable.

Speaking of baller scheduling, one needs only to look at the opponent on Saturday. First of all, the PAC 10 does it right and has a true round robin during the regular season, with each team facing every other one. That leaves three non conference games for the Trojans to schedule and in 2008 those teams are Virginia, Ohio State and Notre Dame. That’s so ballsy it hurts. The Buckeyes are no scheduling pansies either. This is their second home and home series with a top 5 team in the last 4 years (epic games with Texas in 2005 and 2006). Go big or go home, Sallie.

A number of people ask me how I think the Hoos will fare in 2008. We will certainly not win 9 regular season games like we did last year. The 2007 Hoos had one of the best seasons in program history and it will not repeat itself easily, especially considering the 2008 Cavs have only 10 returning starters (5 each on offense and defense). Only seven schools in the country have fewer starters returning to their teams, and it’s not like UVA exactly loaded up on 5 star talent in the off-season. But I don’t think we are going to fall off a cliff either and finish 11th in the conference, which is where the ACC media voted us. I think we are going to finish 7-5 or 6-6 and go to a mediocre bowl, which is completely reasonable considering we are coming down from a great season. People need to realize that UVA is NOT going to contend for national championships. We’re just not. The absolute pinnacle of what we can do right now is win the Coastal Division, have a chance to win an ACC title and play in a BCS game. But there’s no way we go undefeated and play for a national title, or have one loss and be considered. The way UVA is made up its just not going to happen. But we aren’t going to finish 2-10 either.

Hopefully on Saturday we will break the single game attendance record at Scott Stadium, which is 63,701, when we lost a heartbreaker to Miami in 2004. After perusing the top 10 attendances in Scott Stadium history, I realized with pride that I had been to the top 9 attended games in UVA’s history. Hopefully this Saturday will break the record, and secure that I’ve been to all 10 of the highest attended football games in UVA history. The top 10 games (not in order) occurred twice my first year (Duke, Florida State), four times second year (Clemson, Carolina, Maryland, Miami), twice third year (Tech, Florida State) and at last years Tech game. Personally, I’d like to see us go above 65K.

I’m not counting us out completely against USC though. UVA has always played well at home since I started following the program in 2003. In fact, no ACC team has won more home games than UVA since 2001, which was Groh’s first year as coach. We have only been blown out at home once in the last five years, the Tech debacle in 2005. This means two things. One, is that we could possibly give USC a game. Two, it means we are absodutely atrocious on the road.

So I had to call China recently for work, and was surprised to find out that the whole country is on a single time zone, even though it is almost exactly as wide as the United States. Bizarre. I guess you can do that when you are communist. What’s even weirder is that, because of the single time zone across such a large country, if you are in western China and go directly south into India, you will jump back 2.5 hours in time. One would think going directly south would keep you in the same time zone, but not in the Orient apparently. I bet people who live right on that border game the system to get the longest days possible. But they are probably living on 13 cents a day and have more things to worry about than time zones.

I like Mark Schlabach of ESPN.com, but I hate it when people take college football games for granted. In his season preview he states that an Ohio State “victory over the Trojans will probably punch Ohio State's ticket to the Jan. 8 BCS Championship Game.” Oh, so those eight conference games are suddenly cupcakes? Conference games AT ranked Wisconsin and ranked Illinois are afterthoughts. Home games against Penn State, Purdue and Michigan are in the bag? Please, anything can happen in college football. Saying that a team in a power conference will “probably” sweep their remaining 9 times is ludicrous.

From the “there’s something else going on here” department, the article about the death of the author of 100 Things to do Before You Die was very strange. The CNN.com article led with “Dave Freeman, co-author of "100 Things to Do Before You Die," a travel guide and ode to odd adventures that inspired readers and imitators, died after hitting his head in a fall at his home. He was 47.” That was it. The rest of the article went on to tell of Freeman’s life accomplishments, but nothing more on a very weird death. Everyday people don’t just fall in their homes and die. I see more coming out of this.

Even though this rain in DC is pissing me off, the weekend in God’s Garden is going to be glorious. Austin and I are having a tailgate on Saturday starting around 11, so feel free to come on by. Also, we are going tubing on Sunday and leaving Cville around noon, so give me a shout if you want to go. So until next time, stay safe, keep it real and go Hoos.

Believe It Or Not

2008-08-14T16:16:00.001-04:00

The Oceanliner is in mourning. In mourning because the world lost an Oelschlager this past weekend. Lost the name that is. My second cousin got married on Saturday, and alas she will be leaving behind the Mount Olympus of names. Not all is lost however. Her new husband seems like a great guy, and the wedding brought together more Oelschlager’s than I have ever been around in my life. It was royal company indeed.

It comes as no surprise that an Oelschlager wedding had the best beer selection I have ever seen at a nuptuals (and since this was the 6th wedding I’ve been to in 2008, I have room to compare). Amstel Light was the only light beer available (Yates’ dad would be proud), and the remaining choices were staggering. I had my choice of Sam Adams, Rolling Rock, Harpoon IPA, Harpoon Summer Ale, UFO Hefeweizen, Leinenkugel’s Honey Wheat, Leinenkugel’s Sunset Wheat, Penn Pilsner and Penn Golden Lager. It was pure heaven.

The coolest thing to come out of this wedding however was the knowledge that my cousin played an integral role in Seinfeld history. Annie Oelschlager lives in Los Angeles and works in the entertainment. When she originally moved out there, one of her friends worked in some capacity on Seinfeld. Well, Annie had the habit of recording a voicemail message on her home phone that changed the lyrics of a popular song to fit her message. She would do this every week or so. Well one day the friend that worked for Seinfeld called Annie at home when she wasn’t there and heard a recorded message that went something like…

“Believe it or not, Annie’s not home, please leave a message at the beep…I must be out…”

You know how it goes. Well the guy that worked for Seinfeld thought it was so funny that he called back, recorded the message and replayed it for Jerry and Larry David, who also thought it was a riot. Then they wrote it into the show as George’s answering machine message when he is avoiding the girl who wants to break up with him. So there you have it: the Oelschlager clan leaves its mark on the Seinfeld franchise. Pretty cool stuff.

Why hasn’t Sports Illustrated run a recent article on Chipper Jones quest to hit .400???? I mean they ran one in May, where’s the August follow up???? I mean he’s only 30 points away from .400 right now.

This is starting to become a regular feature, but my Nats are turning in one of the worst seasons in history. They have now lost six straight and recently went on a 27 inning scoreless streak. Oh yeah, and they got shutout for the 18th time this season on Wednesday night. W-o-o-f.

I caught the back nine of the PGA on Sunday, and it reinforced why I love watching major championship golf so much. It is just so riveting to me. Major golf can hold my attention for hours, where as the Olympics don’t really do it for me. Plus it’s always great to see Sergio get tea bagged by Paddy Harrington again. Gutie summed it up the win nicely in a post victory text:

I think Harrington has learned to use his super human no-blinking powers to intimidate his opponents and win

This obviously prompted some deeper speculation by Mr. Gutierrez, who followed up with an unprompted text only minutes later:

In fact, he and Hansbrough should have a stare-off…it would be close

I love it. Thinking about a Psycho T- Paddy H stare down took up at least 5 minutes of my Sunday evening. I think Harrington would win though because Hansbrough wouldn’t be able to keep still for more than 10 seconds.

Swimming in those LZR suits is like playing with Monopoly money.

The football gods have hung a cloud of frustration over my head, and are making it pour. Both my favorite college and pro teams (Virginia and San Francisco) continue to have a three way quarterback battle that both has no end in sight and has everyone tight lipped as can be. Here’s hoping these situations get resolved quickly, so both teams can focus on their openers with a clear leader under center. And here’s hoping Oceanliner fraternity brother Scott Deke wins the Virginia job. And here’s hoping Alex Smith felt up some mutant sunflowers ala Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 in the off season so that his doll sized hands got a little bigger.

Speaking of football, everyone should try and make it to the UVA-USC game on August 30. Austin and I will be having a tailgate and the plan is for a tubing trip that Sunday, as Monday is Labor Day and most people should have that day off, except Spencer’s European ass.

I have to end with some sad news, though I am powerless to stop it. The Oceanliner and Austin are going to the beach all next week, thus there will be no column until the week of the 25th. So I hope all of you can find something else to do for a week (hang in there L-Dub). So until next time, stay safe, keep it real and ride it out.

Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Stat of the Week

2008-08-13T16:28:00.003-04:00

Most people have probably heard some thing about the controversy related to the Chinese women’s gymnastics team and their age. In brief, many people believe the Chinese gymnasts have lied about their age to be eligible to compete in the Olympics. You have to be 16 to compete, and there are serious concerns that many members of the Chinese team are actually younger than this. Well, we aren’t here to discuss that. What I am here to discuss is the size of these Chinese youngsters. Well, actually their lack of size. Here is the height and weight of 5 of the female Chinese gymnasts, absodutely meriting buh-buh-buuuaaaaaahhhhttttt? incredulousness:

Li Shanshan 4’9”, 79 pounds
Yang Yilin, 4’11”, 77 pounds
He Kexin, 4’8”, 73 pounds
Jiang Yuyuan, 4’7”, 71 pounds
Deng Linlin, 4’6”, 68 pounds

Here is a picture of the Chinese team in front of the US team:

If all of these girls (including the US team) are really 16, that might be sadder than if everyone was lying, because 16-year olds that look like that have done nothing short of tortured themselves and their bodies. On that happy note, enjoy the individual all around later in the Olympics!

So Rong Ribrary

2008-08-06T15:35:00.002-04:00

And then it was gone. Over the weekend the Pottster and I loaded up a UHAUL and bid adieu to the beacon on the hill, otherwise known as Library Courts. We had a good run for the past 13 months, but like they say, all good things come to an end. It was a bittersweet parting, but I think we have enough vending machine follies, pizza delivery car towing, typo filled notices and breakfast nook memories to last a lifetime. So, aroha Ribrary, and may our paths cross again in the future.

Not all is lost however as Schling, Beercan and I all moved into the great unknown, aka DC itself, and will most assuredly undertake new and exciting adventures. We all moved in different places, but we are all close, and you can bet your ass I’ll be over at Pott’s place on game days to catch the action on his new 52” flat screen. Life is good.

Yours truly found an open room for rent in a detached house with a big back yard, and it seems the Oceanliner has stumbled into a virtual paradise. For one, the backyard is loaded with side by side grills, one gas and one charcoal. Niiiiice. Two, my room actually has windows this year. Still no closet, by hey I’m making strides. Then there are the occupations of my new house mates. One works in sales and marketing for the Washington Wizards and gets free tickets galore to all events at the Verizon Center, not just NBA games. The second works for the biggest beer distributor in the city and brings home free beer every day. You read that correctly. There is a mini fridge in the dining room with free roommate beer. I have already indulged numerous times. Some of the beers he brings home aren’t even on the market yet. Today when I go home I can try between two Sam Adams prototypes. The third roommate is a biomedical engineer for the American Red Cross, so if you need any blood, holler atcha boy. I bet you’re reading this and wondering “Well shit, what does Oelschlager bring to the table?” My patented sarcasm and fairly shallow observations, that’s what. Which leads us perfectly into my random thought of the week(s).

Stating the Obvious of the Week:

My Nats are truly horrendous. After a smoking July which saw them go an impressive 5-19 (that’s a .208 winning percentage for those of you scoring at home), the DC 9 sat at the bottom of the standings as the worst team in baseball. It is not hard to figure out why the Nats are so bad. In baseball, you need to be able to hit to win games. The Nats can’t hit, thus it makes sense that they can’t win games. On August 1st, the Nats were last in the whole sport in runs, hits, batting average, on base percentage and slugging percentage. They are batting .241 as a team. Oy vey. But hey, I still love going to games.

Regurgitated Stat of the Week

The Yankees should have thrown a parade when Manny Ramirez got traded to the Dodgers. Check out Manny’s career stats against the Bronx Bombers:

.321 batting average, 1,029 OPS, 55 home runs, 163 RBI’s in 200 games

Good golly, Miss Molly. Somehow I doubt Jason Bay is going to put the fear of God into anybody on the Yankees pitching staff the way Manny did.

Idea That Will Never See Fruition of the Week

The wave is one of the grandest of sporting traditions, but it really needs a better way to end. Once it gets going the wave is a very impressive spectacle. But nothing is quite as demoralizing as watching the wave slowly die down a peter out with the last 26 oblivious fans in the stadium still going nuts. I don’t know how to do it, but people need to agree on say, three full rotations around the stadium and then everyone yells Charge! or something. I don’t know the solution, but there’s got to be one.

You see that there folks? That’s classic Oceanliner tact: point out a problem and not offer a way to fix it. I feel like a political commentator already. Hey-yo!

Reevaluation of Priorities of the Week

Austin and I were waiting behind some dude at the grocery store last week at the Red Box thing where you can rent movies. After pondering his selection for a solid ten minutes, the guy choose…Step Up 2: The Streets. This dude needs to stop the presses if Step Up 2 is his entertainment destination. This is the movie whose tagline is

It's not where you're from. It's where you're at.

That’s deep. And you know any movie that has this as an image will be transcending:

Yes, somebody paid money to watch this movie. And yes, someone paid money, a lot of money, to make this movie. And people wonder why I get so worked up sometimes.

Comment of the Week

During the coverage of the British Open Gauntlet, Ian Baker Finch had the best line by far, simply stating, “Well, it’s a good day to be a kite, at least.”

(Shhhhhh. That quote was from like two weeks ago. Shhhhhhh.)

Headscratcher of the Week

In news that is somewhat interesting, fairly mundane and completely inconsequential, I found out last week while watching a Phillies-Nats game that 45 year old Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer is married to the daughter of ESPN college basketball analyst Digger Phelps. Who knew?

You Know How This Part Goes

Well, that’s it for this week folks. After Yatesing/Gutiing/Spencing the last column, I’ll end this one by Samming it. Stay safe, keep it real and oooooouuuuuuu! (throwing back my head and kicking with one leg)

I'm Yatesing This Column

2008-07-31T10:29:00.000-04:00

Sorry guys, no time for apost this week. I'm busy and I'm moving on Saturday. Check back in next week for a guaranteed Oceanliner fix. Godspeed.

Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Stat of the Week

2008-07-22T16:44:00.002-04:00

In today's NBA, it is one of the lead items on SportsCenter when a player goes for a triple double the night before. It has become a fairly rare occurance, with Jason Kidd and King James the only players able to do it at a decent pace (they were the only players to do it more than 5 times last year). Which makes it all the more incredible and jaw dropping that in 1961-1962, Oscar Robertson averaged a triple double for the entire season. That's right folks, averaged. The Big O's line for the season reads something like this:

30.8 points, 12.5 rebounds, 11.4 assists

Try this on for size: Robertson did this in his second season as a pro! Absorutety ridicurous is what that it. Let's drag this one out. There were 40 triple doubles among all players in the NBA last year. Robertson had 41 by himself in '61-'62. This man was good at basketball.

Headlines

2008-07-18T14:40:00.005-04:00

And You Thought Glubiak Was Slow…

Wednesday was officially the slowest day of the sports year. Baseball was off for its only day all summer because of the All Star Break. The NBA, NFL, and NHL are in their off-season. The NBA, NFL and MLB drafts have already happened. There are no college sports of any kind going on. The US Open in tennis isn’t until September. The British Open in golf didn’t start until Thursday (and Tiger isn’t there to boot). Wednesday is the deadest day of the NASCAR week as they are squarely between races. The US Olympic Trials are over. Arena Football playoffs are only on the weekends. Hell, there weren’t even any Major League Soccer games. The only “sports” we got on Wednesday were two measly WNBA games. Somehow I doubt the Chicago Sky-Detroit Shock 66-63 snoozer led off SportsCenter on Thursday morning.

…But Not As Slow As A WNBA Player

I feel kinda bad for the WNBA. On a day when there were no other professional or collegiate sports of any kind in the entire country, the two WNBA games barely got 10 seconds on SportsCenter. If anything is an indication of how little traction this league has, than that is it. When you get beat out by Bret Favre’s interview with Greta Van Susternenenenen, the Titletown montage of Valdosta, Georgia (seriously?) and a story about the NFL investigating gang sings (seriously), you need to go back to the drawing board. (Psssssst. Candace Parker dunking is not going to do it)

Nuggets Trade Marcus Camby for a Bologna Sandwich

On Tuesday, the Nuggets traded Marcus Camby to the Clippers “for the option to swap second-round picks in 2010.” I know that Denver was trying to unload salary, but good God, talk about a fleecing. Every other team in the league probably slammed their head in the door in frustration after this deal went through. Who would have thought offering a guaranteed second round pick would be a sweeter deal than the Nuggets ended up getting. I bet every Denver fan felt like they quick a quick kick to the nuts. And bravo to the Clippers for rebounding nicely after Elton Brand threw them two fingers and headed for Philly. It makes you wonder what Denver would ask for in a trade for one of their scrubs, much less a solid starter like Camby. We might see something like this in the paper later in the summer: “Nuggets trade Yakhouba Diawara (yes, an actual Nuggets player) for a sweet paper airplane.”

Number of Wahoos in the NBA Doubles After Singletary Signs With Kings

Sadly, this headline is absolutely true. Singletary joins Roger Mason Jr as the only Virginia alums in the league right now. I am really happy for Singletary though, as he can finally relax as he has some guaranteed money coming his way now after all the hard work invested in four tough years in Charlottesville. Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but the league minimum for rookies is $442,114, which is not too shabby at all. Singletary is the number two point guard in Sacramento behind Beno Udrich, so he should be looking at some solid minutes this year, especially considering how bad the Kings are going to be. The other NBA Wahoo, Mason, recently cashed in nicely by signing a two year, $7.5 million dollar deal with the Spurs. Not a bad spot to be in. You know, I’m surprised that the Virginia NBA list has not grown even higher; I mean Pett is available…

Francis Scott Key Rolls Over in His Grave

Did anyone catch Sheryl Crow perform the national anthem before the All Star Game? It was absolutely putrid and a disgrace to this country. Of course she had to come out with her guitar, so she ruined an already terrible vocal rendition of the Star Spangled Banner by plucking random notes (seriously) on her acoustic guitar at the same time. Eminent Ribrary Courts roommate Schling and I thought it couldn’t get worse than 3 Doors Down performing before the Home Run Derby (again, seriously), where they played their “hit” song It’s Not My Time. What an awful song title to play before a Home Run Derby, It’s NOT My Time? Seriously? But then Crow came out and “sang” the national anthem on Tuesday and made a traveshamockey of it. Horrible. This will only make the world hate us more.

Sheryl Crow’s Mom Seen Wandering the Streets of DC

Last weekend on a 95 degree Saturday, Austin and I saw a crazy 65 year old woman wandering the streets of Northwest DC wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, a purple dentist assistants’ vest, a pink bucket hat and aqua socks (yes aqua sucks) walking up and down the sidewalk playing a guitar strapped over her shoulder and singing incomprehensibly. You can’t make this shit up.

Sheryl Crow’s Aunt Seen in Arlington 3 Days Later

Stopped at a red light on the way to work one morning this week, I looked into the lane next to me and saw an old woman open her car door and pour out the remaining half of an MGD beer can. It was 8:30 in the morning. Sheesh.

ESPN to Create New Reality Show Called “The Hills: Phil Mickelson’s Buys a Bra”

You can add Titletown to the growing list of reasons why ESPN is going down the toilet. Its stupidity, pointlessness and annoyance lies somewhere between The Greatest Highlight and Who’s Now, and makes you shake your head in disappointment. Show more highlights! That’s why people watch SportsCenter…to see sports highlights!!! I certainly don’t want to see Wendi Nix talk to Al Kaline for 10 minutes about why Detroit deserves to be named Titletown (seriously, I saw this). It is sad to see such a giant pissing its bread and butter away.

XXXX wins the Gauntlet (aka the British Open)

That shit they are playing over there right now is a completely different sport than golf. It’s survival. The whole point of golf is to walk around a beautiful course for a couple of hours enjoying the beautiful weather and the scenery. It’s not meant to be played in 55 degrees, 15-20 mile per hour winds, 4 foot tall grass and Everest survival gear. I’ve never seen golfers look more miserable in their lives.

NBA to Create New Mid Level Exception for Werewolves

Now that Marc Gasol (Pau’s brother) has signed with the Grizzlies, there are now two smelly Spaniards in the NBA that have no idea when to say ‘enough is enough’ with regards to facial hair. Here are pictures of the two brothers. Be careful not to look after eating a large meal.

Josh Hamilton Cures Cancer…And Did You Know He Has An Amazing Story!

When are broadcasters going to be able to say Josh Hamilton’s name without attaching the obligatory “what a great story he is” to it? 6 months? 1 year? 5? Ever? Everyone in the country already knows that he overcame a crack addiction and Sports Illustrated already ran a great cover story on it. Now it’s just getting super annoying and repetitive. I don’t care what a great story he is when he flies out in the top of the 4th in a June game in Seattle.

I’ll See You In Hell, Costanza

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I hope everyone is enjoying their summer as much as I am and that you will soon buy my sun screen spot miser detector. Until the next time, stay safe, keep it real and get weird.

Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Stat of the Week

2008-07-10T16:34:00.000-04:00

Who Likes Steroids?

Brett Boone did, that’s who. Before the 2001 season, the diminutive second baseman had enjoyed a solid but not spectacular career as a good fielding shortstop with a decent bat. He was somewhat of a journeyman, playing for Seattle, Cincinnati, Atlanta and San Diego before coming back to the Mariners before said 2001 season. This is a player who had never hit more than 24 home runs or drove in more than 112 RBI in a season and has a career batting average of .266. In other words, nothing special. And then, “magically”, at age 32, Boone reeled off these numbers:

.331 average, 37 home runs, 141 RBI

I hope the face you are making is just as skeptical as the one plastered on my face, the one that should always accompany an unbiased review of Mr. Boone’s numbers. What a joke. This was a 5’10”, 180 pound joker of a second baseman who suddenly started hitting like Mickey Mantle at age 32. Me thinks Boone was juicing like nobody’s business.

Who Likes Steroids Even More?

Brady Anderson, that’s who. Another scrawny (6’1”, 180 lbs), scrappy fielder with a decent bat, Anderson hit between 12 and 24 home runs in a season eight times. This pretty much tells you what kind of threat he was at the plate; effective but not overpowering. Let’s briefly take a look then, at what happened in the year nineteen hundred and ninety six:

50 home runs, 110 RBI (29 more than 2nd best for his career), .297 average (.256 career)

Hilarious. It’s like his whole career was humming along right at sea level when all of a sudden he jumped to Everest for a year and then just as quickly came back down. I bet he got paranoid and was like “Man, I gotta lay off the juice. I’m Brady Anderson. There’s no way people will believe I can hit 50 bombs in a season.” Think of it this way. Anderson hit 23% of his career home runs in one season! 210 over his 15 year career. 50 alone in 1996! Preposterous.

Who Like Steroids The Most?

Well, it’s probably not Luis Gonzalez, but his Looney Tunes stats are still funny to look at. A career .284 hitter, whose second best career home run season was 31, he propelled the Diamondbacks to the 2001 World Series while jamming steroids in his ass between every inning:

.325 average, 57 home runs, 142 RBI

The 142 RBI is also 28 more than second best of his career. Oh, yeah, Gonzo was 34 when he found this little fountain of youth. The only thing funnier than looking at these stats? Knowing that Gonzalez finished 3rd in the National League MVP voting in 2001 behind…Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds. You can’t make this shit up.

Freedom Isn't Free

2008-07-07T16:31:00.000-04:00

What’s up yall. Hope everyone had a good time celebrating their freedom this weekend. I sure did as SAE’s from around the country invaded the nation’s capital, and by Sunday morning everyone was strug-a-ling. The Oceanliner would like to send a special shout out to Mr. Joshua Davis Glubiak, who called this weekend to let everyone know of his engagement to Meg. I could not be happier for the pre-newlyweds and am ecstatic for the wedding in Dallas next year. Plus now we have an excuse to take Rubiak to Vegas…

In completely different tone and news, I got a drastic haircut about 2 weeks ago, which has been my norm for a couple of years now: let it get shaggy as hell and then cut it real short. I like to get my money’s worth with haircuts. After this particular butchering, I got a lot of awkward “Did you get a haircut?” questions. I normally get about 13 pounds chopped off my head, so I feel like people can skip the “Did you” question and move straight to the haircut analysis. When people ask “Did you get a haircut?”, I wanted to respond with a deadpan “No.” and see how they reacted. I mean, a stupid question deserves a stupid answer. I would much rather have people lead off with, “Dude, Old, your head looks like a Q-tip now” than the impossibly obvious answer generating “Did you get a haircut?” Moving on.

It got announced a week or two ago, but I’ve got to give my 2 cents on the USA basketball roster for the Beijing Olympics. First of all, they didn’t have any tryouts, which is a huge mistake. Nothing brings out competition and intensity more than an open tryout, which is exactly what a complacent Team USA needs before heading off to Asia to represent our country. Feeling entitled is exactly why we didn’t win gold in 2004. Not having tryouts is just an extension of that.

This is especially troubling given some of the questionable selections made by team VP Jerry Colangelo. Dwayne Wade got shut down by the Heat midway through last season and has not played any meaningful basketball in a long time. He made the team by having an “impressive” private workout with Colangelo. Hmmmm, what would be better than a private workout to gauge the status of a star player coming back from injury? An open tryout! That way the coaching staff could accurately judge how well Wade is doing in his rehab playing against actual players in a pressure situation. Giving Wade a spot has got to create animosity with other players in the league who didn’t get the call.

I also think Wade’s style of play is ill suited for the international game. Half of Wade’s game is getting to the free throw line, and international refs are simply not going to call the petty hand checks and swiped that get called in the NBA. The finesse finger roll drive (aka the D-Wade special) is going to get eaten up by foreign defenders who will be allowed to be physical with a driving opponent.

The fact that Jason Kidd is also on the team is also flabbergasting. Colangelo must not have been following the NBA when Kidd got traded to the Mavs and guided them to an impressive first round playoff exit. An open tryout would prove how much of a lame duck he is now. Chris Paul and Deron Williams are thankfully on the team, but I believe even point guards like Chauncey Billups, Baron Davis and Brandon Roy would be a better fit on the Olympic team than Kidd. Hell, give me Daniel Gibson over Kidd; at least Boobie can shoot the rock. You have got to be able to knock down jumpers in international competition, and Kidd’s current 38% field goal percentage (read: Yikes) last year is just not going to cut it.

Kidd is also a huge defensive liability at this point in his career, which is a big risk. One of the main reasons the US didn’t win gold in Athens is because we couldn’t defend the high pick and roll, and the marksmen foreign shooters killed us with mid range jumpers. Kidd will get rained on all day long out there on defense. Billups, Davis and especially Roy are much better on defense than Kidd. Kidd might dish out a couple more dimes a game, but he bleeds big-time in every other department. An open tryout would expose this flaw and we could correct it early. Oh well.

The only other complaint I had was that Tyson Chandler was left off the team. He is exactly the kind of bruiser we need in the middle. A guy who is on the court to rebound, hustle and play defense. A guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve and will get his teammates fired up. He would also be a perfect fit with Paul on the team, as Chandler has proven to be fairly efficient on offense when working together with CP3. I would have chosen Chandler over frail Chris Bosh, but this is not an egregious omission.

I have heard a lot of criticism for the selection of Tayshaun Prince, but this is one pick I wholeheartedly agree with. Prince is incredibly versatile, unselfish to a fault, and like Chandler loves to hustle and play defense. This is the kind of guy you want to see on your bench when 3 other players have fouled out and Prince can come in and play 3 different positions without being a liability on either end of the court. Great pick here in my opinion. Plus Prince can maybe sucker the opposition into going easy on him with his heroin addict good looks.

In summer doldrum news, Fox Sports signed recently retired Michael Strahan to join their NFL pregame show on Sunday. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s now five people around the table for the Fox Sunday morning show. When will the networks realize that more is not better in terms of broadcasting? Having five people trying to share airtime is such a stupid and inefficient idea, especially considering Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson are on that panel. Whenever you have more than two or three people, the show disintegrates into one-upsmanship and annoying laughter. There should never be more than two people in the booth during a live sporting event and never more than three people hosting a pregame show. College Game Day was perfect when it was just Fowler (the moderator), Herbstreit (the ex-player) and Corso (the ex-coach). Now they have ruined it by bringing in Desmond Howard plus some joker celebrity every week. People are so stupid sometimes.

For those of you, who, like me, are fascinated by the world of college football recruiting, check out this superb article that appeared on SI.com last week about the history of recruiting:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/writers/andy_staples/06/19/recruiting.main/index.html?eref=T1

I was sad that Charles Schwab was one of the title sponsors of the Wimbledon coverage this weekend. Not because I don’t like the company, but because those weird animation ads they run are so freaking stupid. The ones where it is just a person talking, but there is some kind of crazy CGI effect going on. There is absolutely no point of doing that, it looks retarded and I’m sure it cost a lot of money. Why not just show us an actual person talking? I feel like this is one instance where the producers were trying to be trendy and failed miserably. And you know how much I like trendy.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I feel like I need a weekend to recover from the weekend I just had. Oh well, back to work. Until next time friends, stay safe, keep it real and remember where you came from.

Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Stat of the Week

2008-06-26T13:59:00.002-04:00

This segment started as a look at revisionist stats that jump off the page, but Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo was soooooo bad in his Tuesday start against the Blue Jays that it deserves to be put in here as instant history. Let's take a look at what the emo rock guitar playing Arroyo did in just a single inning of work on June 24th:

1 inning pitched, 11 hits, 10 earned runs, 1 walk, 1 wild pitch, 3 home runs allowed

Talk about a bad day at the office. A historically bad day at the office. His ERA for the season rose over a whole point with that one outing. It was the shortest start of Arroyo's career. For those of you tracking at home, that's an ERA of 90. Not good.

Its a start like that that makes you think "Man, I really think I could have pitched better than that. Sure, I'd give up 7-8 runs, but not 10." Then you start thinking and realize you would give up 50 runs to major league hitters in one inning. Kind of like that commercial where the two guys were arguing over whether or not they could go one round of boxing against Evander Holyfield, and the the guy's head gets uppercutted off. Good stuff.

So yeah, Bronson Arroyo sucks.

In Your Face

2008-06-23T16:30:00.000-04:00

It’s official. Tiger Woods made me his personal biotch in capturing his third US Open at Torrey Pines. If you can embarrassingly remember, in my last post I had the following to say about Mr. Woods and his chances heading into the Open.

I predict that Woods will miss the cut or withdraw from the tournament…US Open courses are completely unforgiving, and I think a rusty and gimpy Tiger, even as good as he is, will struggle mightily this weekend in Southern California.

Like the horrendous Vehix commercials, what actually transpired was the exact opposite of what I had thought was going to happen. Of course Tig didn’t withdraw even though he was playing on two stress fractures and a torn ACL (This is so ridiculous. I think I would be too tired to play video games with two stress fractures and a torn ACL, and this guy wins the US Open). And of course Tig didn’t struggle, staying near the top of the leader board for almost the entire tournament and being only one of two people under par for the week. And of course he won the damn thing.

I was actually rooting for Woods unabashedly the whole week, even though he was making me look like a total fool in the process. He’s such an animal that you know he’s going to win, but its insanely riveting all the same.

Playing against Tiger Woods is like guarding Michael Jordan in a playoff game. Can you imagine waking up knowing that you have to go one on one with the most indescribable force ever to hit your sport? As if that wasn’t bad enough, you knew you were going to be embarrassed on national television to boot. What do you think Byron Russell was thinking when he woke up before Game 6 of the 1998 Finals against the Bulls?

Oh crap, I have to guard Michael Jordan, *brushing teeth*, of crap I have to guard Michael Jordan, *shaving*, you’ve got to be kidding that I have to guard Michael Jordan, *eating breakfast*, there’s no way I can guard Michael Jordan, *driving to the arena*, Michael Jordan is going to completely roll train on me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, *stretching*, do you think Michael Jordan even knows my name? Anybody’s name? I wouldn’t bother learning anybody’s name if I was Michael Jordan, because I’d be Michael freaking Jordan, *warm-ups*, shit, there’s Michael Jordan, he knows he’s going to win tonight, and he’s probably going to do it by drilling a shot right in my face, then holding the pose like an extreme badass before turning and getting mobbed by his teammates, *tip-off*, oh crap, I have guard Michael Jordan.

I think if anyone has ever felt the true meaning of helpless, it would be Byron Russell in the waning seconds against the Bulls with 20,000 people in the arena and millions of people around the world knowing that Michael Jordan was about to completely posterize him, and that there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. By the way, Jordan finished with 45 points in Game 6, including the last two over the gutted Russell.

Tiger Woods is at that level in golf. How Rocco Mediate even got out of bed on Monday morning is beyond me. An 18-hole playoff against Tiger Woods? Pffft, no. I’ll cash that second place check and be on my way, thank you very much. The fact that it took an extra hole of sudden death almost makes it worse, because you know you have absolutely no shot the whole time.

All of this was a long winded and roundabout way of saying I was totally wrong and that hurricane force freaks of nature should never be doubted, especially in their prime.

In lesser news, did anyone catch the celebrity US Open group that aired before Sunday’s final round coverage? Justin Timberlake, Tony Romo, Matt Lauer and some other guy played Torrey Pines the week before the tour players did, from the same back tees, to see if a 10 handicap could break 100 on a true US Open course. Leave it to golden boy Tony Romo to shoot a freakin 84. That might be more impressive that Tiger winning the real Open on one leg. An amateur golfer coming in and shooting 12 over? Incredible. This guy is the quarterback of America’s team, dates one of the best looking women on the plant, and shoots an 84 on a US Open course. Not too shabby. I was impressed by Timberlake and Lauer as well, who shot 98 and 100 respectively.

In much lesser news, I saw a guy at a Nats game a couple of weeks ago wearing a Babe Ruth jersey. Something tells me this 45 year old never saw the Bambino play. The guy was an idiot twice over though, as the jersey had the name “Ruth” spelled out above the legendary number 3. The Yankees have never, ever had names on their jerseys in the entire history of the team (Thanks to eminent Oceanliner roommate and Yankee diehard Schling for that one). I don’t know who this guy was trying to fool or what his intentions were, unless maybe he’s just a lunatic.

In hilarious news, two loser-bum ex-NFL players have been involved in drinking related arrests over the past few weeks. Everyone’s favorite convict sibling, Marcus Vick, was arrested in early June when “a uniformed bicycle patrol officer observed Vick and a female involved in an altercation in the car early Friday. When the officer asked for a driver's license, police say Vick sped away but was stopped minutes later.” I would pay a lot of money to see that arrest: Vick speeding away from a bike cop. Being the Vick family lawyer would be a good position to be in, as you know you will have fairly regular work.

The other hilarious alcohol related story involves Cedric Benson, the ex Chicago Bear who has been arrested twice in 2008, once for boating while intoxicated and the other for driving while intoxicated. Benson has been ordered to “install an ignition lock breathalyzer in his car”. Priceless. If I were Benson though, I would try and get DUI’s in as many different vehicles as possible. I mean he’s already got cars and boats; he should now try for motorcycles, horses, tractors and scooters. He could pretend it’s like Bingo. Something to pass the time, when you know, you aren’t in the NFL anymore.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. The Oceanliner just had a very middle school weekend, and it was awesome. I went to a surprise birthday party, played tennis, went bowling and watched a movie. All I needed was Mountain Dew, an acne breakout and a game of Spin the Bottle to complete it. But until next time friends, stay safe, keep it real and hug it out.

Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Stat of the Week

2008-06-17T15:23:00.002-04:00

Barry Sanders' Heisman Trophy winning senior season at Oklahoma State:

344 carries, 2,628 yards, 7.6 yards per carry, 238.9 yards per game, 37 touchdowns, four 300 yard games

This is the most ridiculous season in college football history and will never come close to being matched or broken. Sanders scored at least twice in every game he played. He had four or more touchdowns in 6 games. His least productive game of the season was a 25 carry, 154 yard, 2 TD performance against Missouri. Hard to say what his best game was. Barry had a 332 yard, 4 TD day against Texas Tech. Sanders must have had it in for the state of Kansas. In his two games in '88 against KU and K-State, Barry rushed for 632 yards and 8 touchdowns. Oh, and none of the previous stats account for the bowl game Sanders played in that year, where he rushed for 222 yards and 5 touchdowns...in three quarters. He sat out the fourth. The Oklahoma State coaches were not stupid. They gave Sanders the ball 31 times a game...for the whole season.

Totally unreal. And completely deserving of this weeks stat. Godspeed.

Get To It

2008-06-12T09:25:00.003-04:00

Get Rich Quick: So I’ve figured out how I’m going to finance my J. Oelschlager clothing line. The funds are going to come from the invention that is going to make me rich. The money that I am going to make from my invention is going to make the Rugged Luxury sales (the first line from J. Oelschlager) look like pennies.

What is this invention you may ask? I came up with it a couple of weeks ago when Austin and I were in Virginia Beach for a wedding. It was an evening wedding, so we got to spend some quality time at the beach in the afternoon. I was covered in sun screen and ready to go, or so I thought. When I was getting ready for the ceremony, I looked down and noticed that I had missed the same spot on both ankles, and they were burned to a crisp. I mean really bad. What sucked even more is that I had to wear dress shoes for the next six hours that perfectly intersected my sunburned appendages. It was brutal. It’s so annoying when you miss a spot when putting sun screen on, I thought to myself, there must be a better way.

That’s when it hit me. I needed to invent a little hand held device that you scan your body with after putting sun tan lotion on that tells you the spots you have missed. What a life saver that would be. I would pay at least 50 bucks for something like that, maybe more. And with the way the o-zone layer is going, those missed spots are going to be costlier and costlier. So that’s how I’m going to get filthy rich and be able to start my own baller ass clothing line, J. Oelschlager. You can start looking for some Rugged Luxury at a store near you. Now I’ve only got to figure out how to invent a machine that scans your body and lets you know the spots that don’t have sun tan lotion. No biggie.

Get Outta Here: I went to lunch last week at a local Italian deli. It was steaming hot outside, clocking in around 95 degrees. The woman in front of me in line, who happened to have a really annoying nasal voice, asked what the soup of the day was. Turns out it was chili. This woman goes “Mmmm, sounds good, I’ll have a big bowl of the chili”. What a lunatic. Who orders a fat bowl of chili at lunchtime when it’s scorching hot outside? I don’t think I could have mustered the energy to turn my car on if I had wolfed down a bowl of chili during a summer lunch, much less gone back to work. Get outta here, chili woman.

Get Some Just For Men: My good friend Peter King continues to write horrible columns for both Sports Illustrated and SI.com. Check out the picture of King they run next to his articles:

What the hell is that little blond patch, Petey? You tryin to look hip? Get some Just for Men dude and stop telling us about your coffee.

Get Some Tony Robbins: I was diligently following a Red Sox-Royals game on the Internet one night a couple of weeks ago, praying that Jonathan Papelbon would get the save and help my fantasy team. So you can imagine my confusion and dismay when I saw this flash across the screen:

Fielder’s indifference? What the hell does that mean? “No, I don’t really feel like throwing this guy out right now”. Thank god Papelbon got the next batter out or I would have been really pissed at that fielder’s lack of motivation.

Get Your Wallets Out: The US Open is this weekend at Torrey Pines and Tiger Woods hasn’t played golf since getting knee surgery after the Masters. He hasn’t walked a full 18 holes since Augusta. I predict that Woods will miss the cut or withdraw from the tournament. Remember, the only time Woods has missed the cut at a major was when he took a significant amount of time off to grieve the death of his father before the 2006 US Open at Winged Foot. US Open courses are completely unforgiving, and I think a rusty and gimpy Tiger, even as good as he is, will struggle mightily this weekend in Southern California.

Get Catty: Everyone loves a good catfight. Well, make that all guys love a good catfight. Katherine Heigl, uber hot girl from Knocked Up, recently declined to be nominated for an Emmy this year for her performance on Greys Anatomy. This is her explanation: "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization". Burn! Talk about throwing the entire writing staff, producers and director under the bus. Now I’m no genius on office politics, but blasting your bosses to the media does not seem like a good idea to me. Rrrreeaaaarrrrr!

Get Shorty: In 2003, Bobby Knight declined to accept his $250,000 salary from Texas Tech because after leading the Red Raiders to a mediocre 16-11 record and commented “I don’t think I should be paid for that”. Now that’s being a true baller. Katherine Heigl biting the hand that fed her and made her famous? Busch League.

Get Down!: Mother Nature is rolling train on us right now. Cyclones, earthquakes, tornados and floods have been poppin up like hot cakes in 2008. Every time I check the news nowadays I expect to see a new volcano eruption or disastrous mudslide.

Get Out of My Face: Well, that’s it for this week folks. Summer is upon us and is it glorious. I hope everyone out there takes plenty of vacation and escapes from The Man for a week or two. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and boot em up.

Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Stat of the Week

2008-06-10T09:24:00.006-04:00

Hello there friends. Welcome back to the Oceanliner. I apologize for the lengthy absence of a post. I was very busy last week and had my 5th year high school reunion over the weekend. Hotel Oelschlager was chock full as I had six high school buddies crashing at the Ribrary. Excuses are for losers though, I just didn't write anything last week.

Anyhoo, I am proud to announce a new weekly feature at the Oceanliner, starting right now. If you follow this blog at all, you know how obsessed I am with the statistics that accompany the sports I love. Well, there are some pretty heady stats out there from years/decades/centuries ago that knock your socks off when you see them again. It is my imperative to bring these incredulous accomplishments back to light so all can admire their ridiculousness. That is why I am calling this new weekly segment the Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Stat of the Week. Numbers so nuts that you will shake your head in disbelief while your jaw hangs on the floor.

The first inductee into the Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Hall of Fame is the Great Bambino himself. Babe Ruth dominated his era of baseball like no one in history. There will be multiple seasons of Ruth in this weekly stat obsession, but the first that I am going to pull is his 1921 season, his second with the Yankees after being sold from the Red Sox for, get this, $125,000. Imagine how much Malox the Boston owner needed after looking at the Sultan of Swing's 1921 season:

.378 batting average, 59 home runs, 171 RBI, 177 runs, 44 doubles, 16 triples, 17 steals, 145 walks, .512 on base percentage

Insanity. Maybe the stat that jumps out the most is that Ruth's fat ass managed to hit 16 triples and steal 17 bases. Or the fact that the second most home runs in the league that year was 24. Or the fact that the Babe got on base over 50% of the time. Or that he won the RBI title by 32. Or the runs scored title by 45. Or maybe even that Ruth didn't win the Triple Crown because three people had a better average than his .378! Any way you look at it is incredible. And that is why it is fitting that Babe Ruth's 1921 season leads off the inagural Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Stat of the Week.

The plan for now is to try and do two posts a week, one stat of the week and one regular. So check back in later this week for hopefully all new pointless and selfish insights into the world of sports, entertainment and whatever else gets my blood boiling at the moment. Peace out honkeys.

Instant Coffee

2008-05-28T14:49:00.000-04:00

Peter King is a football writer for Sports Illustrated. This is sometimes hard to believe when reading his analysis of the league. I regularly peruse his Monday Morning Quarterback column on SI.com, and most of the content leaves me shaking my head in dismay. A regular feature in King’s “column” is a section called “Ten Things I Think I Think”. The title itself is an indication of how much of a loser King is. In this section, The Ultimate Brett Favre Homer gives his thoughts of the week on the NFL. He does this every week, even though nothing will change until games are played in the fall. One of King’s “thoughts” from Monday left me in my normal state of incredulity.

I think as the days go by, I’m talking myself more and more into Jacksonville being a serious Super Bowl Contender. Maybe the most serious Super Bowl contender in the AFC.

This guy gets paid to write about the NFL? Does this guy really think the Jaguars are the team to beat in the American Football Conference? The same AFC that the Patriots are in, who were 2 minutes away from running the table last year? The same AFC that the Colts are in, who have won 5 consecutive South division titles (this is the Jaguars division by the way)? The same AFC that the Chargers are in, who underachieved last year and still got to the conference title game (one round farther than the Jaguars)? Jacksonville was lucky to get past the first round of the playoffs last year, and will be lucky to do the same in 2008. Hell, they might not even make the playoffs. In my opinion, New England, Indy and San Diego are all significantly better than Jacksonville. I also believe that Cleveland and Pittsburgh are better than Jacksonville. I think the Jaguars are going to be fighting for the last playoff spot in the AFC with the rest of the mediocre peons in the conference: Denver, Houston, Tennessee, Buffalo, the Jets, etc.

I don’t understand where King’s feeling about Jacksonville came from. David Garrard played well last year, but can he keep it up? Who is he going to throw it to? Jerry Porter, Reggie Williams, Dennis Northcut and Mercedes Lewis are not exactly what you would call weapons. Fred Taylor gave them a miracle 1,200 yards last year that will be cut in half in 2008 because of injury or age. They have an aging defense that will likely start two rookies on the D-line (Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves). I see a lot of holes in North Florida.

King’s statement of Jacksonville being the top contender in the AFC is so preposterous that I am creating a new Oceanliner Original Feature. I am calling it Instant History. I am going to take predictions that are so bad in my opinion and put them in a time capsule to see how they stand up to the test of time. We can set the date to re open Peter King’s gut feeling exactly 7 months from today, December 28^th, 2008, which is the day the Jags conclude their regular season with an away game against the Ravens. We will then see if the Jaguars are the top contender in the AFC, or if they are just a bunch of jokers.

Inspired by this new Instant History feature, these are my quick hit thoughts of the week, all in Instant Coffee mode:

Instant Death: I went out to a Friday lunch last week at Chili’s and got the Jalapeno Smokehouse Big Mouth Bacon Cheeseburger. After consulting the online nutrition information, I could feel my arteries clogging as the burger was loaded with 1530 calories and 106 grams of fat. Add the serving of fries and the Southwestern Eggrolls appetizer that I ate half of and I clocked in with a 2400-calorie meal. And this was lunch! Excuse me while I go vomit, if I don’t have a heart attack first.

Instant Death Part Deaux: Seeing people smoking cigarettes on their way to work is so depressing. It’s 7:15 in the morning and you already need a cancer fix? Really? People that need a butt before the day even starts need to reevaluate their priorities. Like living.

Instant Embarrassment: I heard the WNBA has a new expansion team called the Atlanta Dream. Women’s sports have enough trouble gaining traction as it is. Naming all of your teams after emotions, ideals and nature is just another shot in the foot. In the WNBA alone there is the Dream, the Sky, the Sun, the Shock, the Fever (way to name your team after a disease), the Liberty and the Mercury. And this is out of a 14-team league! This is just another reason women’s basketball will never be taken seriously. Sure there are dumb men’s sports team names, but it’s not half the league. How the hell do you root for the Sky? What is their mascot? A cloud? A big storm cloud? Oh wait, they can’t do that one because Seattle already has a team called the Storm. Are the Storm and the Sky big rivals? Or is it the Sun and the Sky? Or the Sun and the Storm? Are the Mercury big rivals with all of them? Is their mascot a barometer? Are the Houston Comets rivals with the other outer space teams (Mercury and Sun) or the Earth bound nature phenomena (Sky)? Even the teams with tangible nicknames are bizarre. You’ve got the Monarchs, the Sparks, the Mystics, the Lynx and the Silver Stars. What are any of those things? This all wouldn’t be so sad/funny if all these nicknames weren’t absolutely true.

Why couldn’t they give the women’s teams’ normal names? Are they afraid huge catfights will break out if the mascots are even remotely violent? The WNBA nicknames are embarrassing, and will continue to deter whatever momentum the league has somehow sustained for 12 years now.

Instant Embarrassment Part Deaux: The nicknames of the teams in of the now defunct WUSA women’s professional soccer league were the Beat, the Breakers, the Courage, the Power, the Charge, the Spirit, the CyberRays (yes, the CyberRays) and the Freedom. Not going to go on a rant on this one, there’s no need.

Instant Awkwardness: I came out of the bathroom at the office one time obviously not thinking about anything important. I think it was a fantasy baseball trade that I was pondering. Anyway, the women’s bathroom is right next to the men’s and right as I walked out I crossed paths with a woman heading to the little girls room. She offered a smile and a friendly

How are you?

Lost in my fantasy baseball trance, I was caught completely off guard and managed to stutter,

Hi. Thanks.

Not only did I make the situation completely awkward, I didn’t even come close to responding to the right question. Oh well, chalk it up.

Instant Hilarity: Went to the Nats game on Memorial Day, which was absolutely sublime. I saw one person wearing a Vinny Castilla t-shirt Nats jersey and another wearing a Tony Armas t-shirt Nats jersey. You can’t make that up.

Instant Sadness: In 2002, the Expos (now my Nats) traded Grady Sizemore, Brandon Phillips and Cliff Lee for Bartolo Colon. Each time I hear this trade I look to the sky and think What If?

Instant Ending: Well, that’s it for this week folks. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and don’t get a neck tattoo.

1st 1/2 '08 NVBSAS

2008-05-22T15:30:00.011-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the Oceanliner is proud to present the 1^st ½ ’08 NVBSAS! For those of you how aren’t down with the lingo around here, this expands out to the First Half of 2008 Northern Virginia Bumper Sticker All Stars. These are decals, vanity plates and road signs that I have actually seen that make me laugh, cry, cringe or go ballistic. And so, in no particular order, lets get right into it.

Maybe the Hokey Pokey IS What It's All About!

*Hanging my head in shame*. As I referenced in my last post, this is one of those times where you want to sit down with the person who's car this is and interview them to determine whether they actually think this is a clever statement or they are just playing a cruel joke on the world by subjecting people to this corniness. If they actually think this is witty, my faith in humanity goes down even more.

Popularity is a Socially Transmitted Disease

*Slamming my head into a table*. This person must be friends with the guy who has the Hokey Pokey bumper sticker. But it gets worse, on this same car reads the following embarrassment:

Pimpin Ain't Easy

*Too angry to hurt my head*. I can at least see the appeal of a witty phrase. The Popularity sticker was an attempt at a witty phrase that failed horribly, but at least I see the intent. This one however is just too painful to deal with. So corny, so embarrassing, so unnecessary. Who are these people?

Blackwater USA

Wow, ballsy move by this guy. This is like the anti conversation starter of a bumper sticker. This is an "I'm gonna take the next exit even though its not where we are going" inducing bumper sticker if you see it. I hope there's not a laser on my forehead as I write this...

I Heart Just Plain Joe!

Am I missing something ? Is there a craze going on for the Midwestern simpleton? Women, help me out here.

Tree Hugging Dirt Worshipper

This woman did not pass Subtlety 101. Some great inadvertent irony though as she's not worshiping much dirt as she drives around in her CAR!

Fun Boot Camp For Women!

This was actually a sign I saw on the side of the road and not a bumper sticker. I can't even imagine the kind of women that would go to that. Buzz, your girlfriend...woof!

The More I Men I Meet, The More I Love My Cat

Hilarious. My fellow men and I are all devastated. You really zinged us with that one. *Trying to rub migraine out of skull*

I Love My Kids Whether Or Not They're Honor Students

Finally, a bumper sticker I agree with that also zings some loser parents out there. On the other hand, we all know this guy's kids are stupid as hell.

Well, that's the rundown on bumper stickers for the first half of '08. I'd love to hear of any turrible bumper stickers, vanity plates and road sings yall have seen out there. The more the merrier. The Oceanliner is very excited about Memorial Day Weekend. Possible plans include hiking, golf, a cookout and a the Nats game on Monday. I hope everyone out there has great plans for the weekend as well. So until next time, stay safe, keep it real and don't forget the fire sauce.

Literally

2008-05-15T11:37:00.004-04:00

Everyone knows how much I like to rant on seemingly pointless and inconsequential aspects of life. Well folks, a recent TV commercial has riled up the Oceanliner’s engines, and now I can’t stop this banter from coming out. I get mad when I see things on TV that make no sense. It makes me want to sit down with the people that write these horrible scripts, come up with these awful ideas, and allow them to fly across our national airwaves. I want to shake these people and scream at them,

Are you serious with this crap??? Do you actually find this funny, witty, poignant, hard hitting or amusing??? Or is this some kind of sick joke and power satisfaction that you can succeed in putting this garbage on TV???

Part of me almost hopes it’s the latter, so that at least I know people don’t actually believe in some of the stuff they come up with, say write and produce. These terrible ideas can turn into shows, movies, services or products. There are countless examples of them all where you think,

This is lunacy. How many people had to approve of this terrible idea before it was official? This idea should have been killed the moment it was thought, and somehow its now real? How did this happen?

The most recent blood pressure raising example is a commercial for the esteemed online car store, Vehix.com, and their newest gimmick, the “video test drive”. This where you can log on to the site and watch a video of someone else driving a car from the drivers perspective. We can debate the worthlessness of this feature another time, but now let’s move on to the commercial.

It opens with this middle-aged woman sitting and hanging the trunk of her car with a really stupid looking hat on and she says

You can go to Vehix.com and literally take a test drive with their video test drive tool

Unh uh honey, no. It doesn’t work like that Vehix.com. A literal test drive would be exactly that, a person getting in the car and driving it. A video test drive is a fairytale; there is nothing literal about it. It’s completely fake. It is the exact opposite of a test drive in fact; watching a video on your computer instead of physically driving a car. Later in the commercial they cut back to the bowling hat lady and she says,

You are practically in the car.

You can’t get away with Busch league garbage like that Vehix.com. You can’t offer a literal service and then not offer it and instead provide a proxy. Other companies can’t and won’t do this. Imagine if a sky diving operation ran a commercial like that;

Come check out our website where you can use try our “sky dive video approximation” and literally be skydiving!

Or this:

Hey there! Welcome to BrazilianFartFetishPorn.com, where you can literally get laid! You can practically feel the farts hitting your face!

Sorry, but the world doesn’t work like that Vehix.com. The only thing that can be determined for sure from that commercial is that the marketing people at Vehix are literally retarded and that credibility for their company is practically nothing.

Wheeeuuu. Glad to get that out of the way. Now onto random sports thoughts of the week.

After the NFL Draft, I went back and checked out the first rounds of years past, both as a matter of curiosity and to see which prospects panned out and which were horrific failures. The most interesting thing I stumbled upon though was how freaking loaded the 2004 first round draft class was. It’s mind-boggling. The following list of players were all taken in the first 32 picks back in ’04:

Eli Manning

Larry Fitzgerald

Philip Rivers

Sean Taylor

Kellen Winslow

Roy Williams (the WR)

DeAngelo Hall

Ben Roethlisberger

Jonathan Vilma

Lee Evans

Tommie Harris

Will Smith

Vince Wilfork

Steven Jackson

Kevin Jones

Ben Watson

It’s a staggering list. Two of the three quarterbacks taken in the first round have won Super Bowls. The other (Rivers) has been to the AFC Title Game. 13 of them have gone on to the Pro Bowl, including 8 of the first 12 selections. I don’t know whether there was just more talent coming out of college that year or GM’s just had a great year of tabbing the best players, but it was a loaded first round. I wish it turned out to be like that every year. Then GM’s could maybe convince the public they know what they are doing.

Puzzling Judgment/Use of Resources Note of the Week: The Thursday morning front page of ESPN.com featured side-by-side pictures of Kobe Bryant and Kevin Garnett with a caption that read “Good to be Home”. The story was about how the Lakers and Celtics are both 12-0 at home during this year’s playoffs. It’s quite puzzling then at the pictures they chose to run with of KG and Kobe:

Could ESPN have picked two more awkward pictures? I hink not. Kobe looks like he is about to cry. In fact, it looks like the last thing in the world he is thinking about is the game he’s actually playing in. KG doesn’t look very graceful either, with a pose that looks like a cross between him bullfighting and pinching out a loaf. It’s just a little odd to me that out of the thousands of pictures ESPN had at their fingertips to put alongside that story, that this is what they chose.

Women’s Sports Note of the Week: Anika Sorenstam announced earlier this week that she is retiring from the LPGA at the end of the season. The Oceanliner wishes her well as she leaves the game after having an illustrious career. While reading the story related to her retirement on ESPN.com, I was shocked by one paragraph midway through the article,

Sorenstam dominated women's golf like few others, especially during a five-year period when she won 43 times and finished among the top three nearly 70 percent of the time. But for all her achievements -- the only woman to shoot 59, winning 10 majors and one of six women to complete the career Grand Slam -- she became most famous for testing herself against the men.

I was stunned at how shallow and insensitive the ending of that paragraph was. To demean Sorenstam’s great career with a jab at her being more famous for playing one tournament with the men than kicking ridiculous amounts of ass on the women’s tour. Maybe it’s because I’m a sports nut and know how good she is on the LPGA Tour, but I had honestly forgotten about her appearance at the Colonial in 2003. The first thing I think of when I hear Anika Sorenstam’s name is her sheer dominance on the women’s golfing circuit, then her text message friendship with Tiger Woods (where they would jab at each other for every major they would win), and then the fact that she kind of looks like a mouse. To me, the fact that she competed against the men is the last line in her bio, as a kind of anecdote. Certainly not the watershed moment of her career. Not in my mind at least.

That paragraph angers me for another reason; that the story is attributed not to a single writer but just as an Associated Press Story. It is one thing if an opinion piece made the case that Sorenstam’s defining moment was playing against the men in 2003. At least there it’s one person’s opinion and they can defend it. This anonymous AP story writes the paragraph as if its fact and that nothing can be done about it. It’s inappropriate and a coward move. I’m definitely not the biggest proponent of women’s sports, but this was a cheap shot.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I hope everyone out there is doing well as glorious summer approaches. As always, give me a shout if you are going to be in the DC area and we can chillax. Until next time though, stay safe, keep it real and stuff your sorry’s in a sack.

Insanity in the Air

2008-05-06T16:21:00.001-04:00

Well, it must be that time of year again. The time of year when the people at PETA go:

Man, we haven’t done anything bat shit crazy in a while. Let’s get really riled up and emotional about something really pointless and stupid.

The ridiculous outrage by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals this time is focused on the jockey who rode Eight Belles at the Kentucky Derby this weekend, the horse that had to be put down on the track because she broke her two front ankles after finishing the race. Yes it’sad, kind of. And yes it’s hard to watch. But the PETA people are acting like it’s the end of the world, demanding that jockey Gabriel Saez be suspended and the $400,000 second place prize money be revoked.

There’s no need to delve into the further details of the story and its aftermath. The most frustrating aspect of this PETA outrage story and every other PETA outrage story for me is how much time and resources are wasted on such a pointless cause. Absolutely pointless, compared to what the world really needs volunteering efforts focused on. It is so great that the people at PETA are selfless enough to work for the benefit of others, but so freaking frustrating that they don’t run a homeless shelter, or raise money for fighting disease, or pick up trash or anything that would make the human world a better place. Once we solve human suffering I’m all for looking into ended animal cruelty. But we are about a billion years away from that, and everything PETA does until then is a complete and utter waste of time. Can you imagine if starving Africans in the midst of a civil war heard about an American organization devoted to animal rights?

Animals? Seriously? Those selfish bastards. Why didn’t they start a group called People for the Ethical Treatment of People? Or just give us some food or clothes like normal philanthropists? Seriously, animals? Who cares how that stupid horse died. Can we eat it at least? Oh, it’s being cremated. Animals rights huh? Get outta here. Guess I’ll go back to dying.

I’ve seen the PETA headquarters building in Norfolk and it always makes me think about how all of that money they used to construct the building and run their programs is going right down the toilet. They have so much money and man hours and use it so stupidly. It makes you want to pull your hair out

The most ludicrous aspect of the Eight Belles story is also the most hilarious. PETA contends that the jockey “should have noticed an injury and pulled the horse up instead of applying the whip”. I can only imagine what Saez was thinking when he heard PETA’s accusation:

Should have noticed? What are you, my wife? Is this one of those tricks where you say “I’ll have the chicken alfredo” but you really mean “You should have noticed my emotional fragility last night based on the shade of lipstick I was wearing coupled with the fact that I’m on my period and I talked to my mother last night”. Should have noticed? Lady, I’m a professional jockey. It’s my job to notice those things. The horse broke its ankles after the race, what else do you want me to say?

And that’s all I have to say about that.

In NBA news, Suns coach Mike D’Antoni is rumored to be heading to Chicago next season to be the headman for the Bulls. I personally think it would be a fantastic fit, based on the run and gun style of play that D’Antoni loves to employ on offense and the personnel group he would be inheriting in Chi town. I can definitely see Kirk Hinrich being a poor man’s Steve Nash, although he would have to work on his 3 point shooting percentage over the summer to really thrive in a D’Antoni offense (currently at 37% for his career). Hinrich is 27 years old and if anyone can get the most out of him in his prime, I believe D’Antoni’s the man. Ben Gordon is the perfect lights out shooter for this offense and Luol Deng would finally have a field day as the inside-outside Marion-esque slasher. Throw in Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah as the bigs running the floor and me thinks you have a scary ass team on your hands. (Quick Sidenote: Tyrus Thomas will make the nightly Top 10 every day if he plays for D’Antoni. He might even crack the 2008-09 NBA Volleyball All Stars starting lineup). The Bulls also has the selfless yet productive and effective Drew Gooden to add toughness and rebounding on the inside. A three-man frontcourt rotation of Gooden, Noah and Thomas could be lethal. Throw in Andres Nocioni and high riser Thabo Sefalosha as your back up guard forwards and there’s your 8-man core. The thing is, this team could play some defense too, which would satisfy GM John Paxon. Hinrich is a much better on the ball defender than Nash (Nash’s inability to defend the pick and roll may be why he never wins a championship), Gordon and Deng are quick and we all know Thomas and Noah can be forces on the defensive end. It might take a year for the Baby Bulls to grow up, but I’m getting giddy thinking about what D’Antoni could do in Chicago. Now I just hope it happens.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. But before we go, I’ve got a question for the people out there. Is it creepy to think a 15 year old has a sultry voice? Because I swear, every time I hear the Miley Cyrus “See You Again” song I think to myself “Man that’s a sultry voice”. Is that creepy? Or it may be the fact that I really like that song is creepy. Either way, I don’t think I’m kosher. On that awkward note, stay safe, keep it real and do the dirty bird.

Superman

2008-04-30T16:42:00.004-04:00

Oh hero everyone, welcome back. Sorry for the non-posting last week. I know everyone has been checking the Oceanliner hourly waiting for an update and now its here. You will definitely be disappointed, so the joke’s on you. Anyhoo, let’s get right to it.

Without any kind of transition, I went to my first NBA playoff game last week to see Game 3 between the Wizards and Cavaliers, and Austin graciously came with to watch 20,000 people cheer somewhat animatedly about grown men throwing a ball into a hoop. I figured it was a win-win situation no matter who won the game because if the Wizards prevailed, it would be really loud in the arena and the atmosphere would be great, and if the Wizards lost then that probably meant King James put on a clinic and that would be cool to see as well.

So the Wizards went for the “white out” look, where everyone in the stands is supposed to wear white and create a cool illusion. I was very impressed with the Wizards marketing department, as they did not take this white out lightly. Every person that walked into the arena was handed a white towel to wave and there was a white t-shirt sitting on every seat in the whole stadium. Thus even the people that didn’t wear white had something to use. The result was astonishingly cool. Midway through the first quarter the stands were completely packed, and the sight of 20,173 (the official attendance) all in white was very, very cool.

Random Note of Hilarity: During two separate timeouts, the Wizards marketing team handed out free t-shirts…after everyone in the stands already had already received a free t-shirt. During one break they dropped t-shirts on parachutes from the arena catwalks and during another they did a traditional t-shirt toss. Again, everyone who went to the game already had a free t-shirt. I find that hilarious.

The Wizards ended up winning by 36, but it was a gradual blowout, so the arena was not that loud for most of the game. But I would say between 5-10 times the entire stadium was on its feet screaming and waving their towels, and it was freaking awesome to be a part of. An awesome spectacle as well as feeling to be part of a crowd like that. The crowd was incredibly passive when the Wizards were on defense, so that was disappointing. But it was great because every time LeBron touched the ball, the entire crowd starting booing mercilessly. In effect it got the crowd going on defense, which was great, especially when King James missed a shot.

Random Note of Hilarity 2: There were two timeouts during the game where free food was handed out and thrown to the audience. The first was Chipotle burritos and the second was Papa John’s pizzas. It would be the highlight of my year to be at a sporting event and receive a free burrito or personal pan pizza. But alas…

Random Note of Hilarity 2a: …we were sitting in the very last row of the arena, so Austin and I didn’t even come close to getting a free dank burrito or pizza.

Another unexpected highlight of the game was seeing Roger Mason Jr. play well for the Wizards. Mason Jr. is the only UVA player in the League right now, and he poured in 18 points off the bench in 28 minutes. Cool stuff.

Random Note of Hilarity 3: During yet another eventful break from the game, the arena DJ started playing "Crank That” and the jumbotron zoomed in on two young black guys sitting in the front row, who went on to perform the Superman dance. I thought to myself, “Wow, those random black guys can really do that dance well, they must have practiced it a lot”. It was not until the next day when reading the recap did I realize that it was Soulja Boy himself doing his own dance in the front row (he was a guest of Deshawn Stevenson). I felt a little stupid about not recognizing Mr. Boy until eminent roommate Schlingbaum made a good point: in that Soulja Boy is in fact, just some random black guy. And in case any of you needed clarification, this is Soulja Boy (and another random black guy).

Well, that’s it for the coherent part of this week’s post. Now onto random thoughts of the week.

Quick Coffee Thought: I was in Starbucks the other day and heard an order that almost knocked me out. Some guy behind me ordered a “grande half caf no whip skim mocha with room”. Geez, I would have to take a nap after hearing that, much less make it. Also, the Bucks gave me a 15” receipt (yes I measured it) for my order of a medium coffee and a bagel with cream cheese. I thought those bitches claimed they were gong green.

Quick NFL Draft Thought: The Panthers taking Jonathan Stewart in the first round tells me they have no faith in DeAngleo Williams, or he just in fact sucks at football. They took the former Memphis stud with their first round pick (27^th overall) just 2 years ago and Williams is only 25. It would make sense if they wanted to make him their main running back, which is what it looked like when they let Deshaun “First Aid Kit” Foster go. But drafting Stewart with the 13^th! overall pick obviously shows they don’t have faith in Williams to take all of the carries next year. I don’t understand this move at all, especially when they have decent backups in Nick Goings and LeBrandon Toefield. I thought Williams was going to be a stud in the NFL. This makes me think otherwise.

Quick Beer Thought: It saddens me to see that Bud Light is lowering themselves to Miller Lite's level by coming out with Bud Light Lime to counter Miller Chill. This whole “trend” is dumbfounding to me. I was given a free Miller Chill at a bar one night and almost vomited it up immediately. It tasted like limey dog piss. I was hoping that this was just going to be another way in which the Bud family completely whuuuured Miller. But Bud is so paranoid that Miller is doing well with this that they copied each other again. This is the only reason, because Miller Chill tasted sooo bad, and I can’t imagine Bud Light Lime could taste any better.

Quick Beer Thought 2: Bud Light has had a good run, but they need to fire their marketing people. Bud Light Lime? That’s the least creative name. Ever. Even though Miller Chill is a horrible name (can you imagine ordering a Chill at a bar? Immediate ass beating) they at least had the balls to be “creative”. Bud Light Lime? Pffft, more like Bud Light Lame. Heyoooooo!

Quick Draft Thought 2: The Oceanliner’s high school alma mater had a player selected in the Draft, which was pretty sweet. Tim Hightower out of Richmond went to Arizona in the 5^th round. He was a year below me and a stud on the football team obviously. But he was not a guy you would say “man this guy is definitely NFL material". But I’ll take it. This is especially impressive since Episcopal only has like 300 males in the whole school, and now one grad got drafted into the NFL.

Quick Downfall of ESPN Thought: I turned on NFL Live two nights ago and there were 5, count em 5 people in the studio ready to lend their expert analysis. This would be fine for the entire NFL Draft but NFL Live is a 30-minute show! Add in commercials and that’s about 22 minutes for 5 talking heads. I turned it off immediately. Less than 4 ½ minutes per person. I don’t know why ESPN thinks more is better with this, but it’s ruining everything. Because all these want to do is talk over each other, and with 5 people it becomes chaos. You only need 2 people for a half hour show. Add this to growing list of reasons why ESPN is going down the crapper.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Man, its like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A weight of shallow, fairly obvious observations. Anyway, hopefully I will get back in the habit of posting every week. Hope everyone out there is doing well. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and let it ride.

A Farewell to Pett

2008-04-18T10:17:00.002-04:00

Amid all of the excitement of the NCAA Tournament, the UVA basketball season quietly came to a close with a 96-85 loss to Bradley in the semi finals of the inaugural College Basketball Invitational. Ryan “Pett” Pettinella’s season long flirtation with the points-fouls Mendoza line finished anything but quietly however. Heading into the ACC Tournament quarterfinals against Georgia Tech, Pett was languishing in a spectacular minus 15 differential between points and fouls. Thus, what unfolded in the next 4 games can only be described as a miracle. Pett went on to go four straight games with more points than fouls. To put this in perspective, Pett had never gone more than two games in a row in this entire season with more points than fouls. But not only was it four straight games with more points than fouls, it was by a significant margin. Pett went an astounding plus 12 in those last 4 games to cut his season deficit to only 3! As unbelievable as is it to say, Pett had a really good chance to get into positive numbers if the Cavs had made it to the CBI final. Pett went for 17 points in those last four games, which is a mind boggling 22% of his season total. But it had to come to an end at some point. And with the season officially over, we can close the books on the first Oceanliner original feature.

Pett points in 2007-2008: 77

Pett fouls in 2007-2008: 80

But as we delve into his entire seasons statistics, more crazy shit comes to light:

For one, I also should have been following Pett’s fouls to rebounds ratio. Incredibly, Pett finished the season with 81 rebounds, just one more than the amount of fouls he committed. Hey, at least you can say his scoring/fouling/rebounding were consistent. Whether this was consistently terrible or not is a whole other discussion.

For the season, Pett averaged .19 fouls per minute. Or put another way, Pett committed a foul every 5 minutes and 9 seconds he was on the floor. That means in theory Pett could never play an entire game, and its not even close. He should foul out in just over 25 minutes, which is hilarious. People wonder about his minutes, but Pett couldn’t have played more if he wanted to because he’d be out of the game.

As an astounding rejoinder to the last example, Pett only fouled out of a game twice on the entire season! What’s even more ridiculous is that Pett committed 4 fouls in a game 10 times. Either Pett was just stupidly good at not picking up that last foul or Leitao had a policy of yanking Pett every time he reached that threshold.

I don’t know if this is telling of Pett’s remarkable nose for the offensive glass or atrocious overall rebounding but he finished the season with 42 defensive rebounds and 39 offensive rebounds. Perplexing.

This was obvious anyway, but Pett would make a horrible point guard. He finished the season with 21 turnovers to just 5 assists for a stunning .23 assist to turnover ratio.

We have reached the most remarkable stats of all, hidden gems that define why Pett finished the season with more fouls than points. First a good stat: Pett shot 59% from the field this year, which is superb. Seriously, that’s really good. Pett’s performance from the free throw line however, would make Rick Barry have nightmares. Dude shot 25.7% from the charity stripe this year. This is not a misprint. Memphis as a team shot more than double Pett’s percentage on free throws and they were lambasted for poor performance at the line. 25.7%. Good. God. What’s even more hilarious is that you can say this true sentence about Pett’s season:

Man, if Pett had managed to shoot 38% from the line this season, he would have finished with more points than fouls

People who have never seen Pett shoot a free throw have to appalled by his historically bad performance at the line. But for those of us who are unfortunate enough to have witnessed Pett’s train-wreck of a free throw, it’s amazing that 25.7% of them went in at all. Still, when you are lamenting the fact that a 40% free throw percentage would have gotten you over a major hump, its time to go back to the drawing board.

Ryan Pettinella’s UVA career is thankfully over after two years. And while it may seem like UVA basketball will be in a free fall mode with the departure of Singletary, we do have some good talent coming in, highlighted by McDonald’s All-American small forward Sylven Landesberg. So there is some hope on the horizon with Diane (if he can finally be consistent), Calvin Baker (a solid ball handler and confident player), Jamil Tucker (who really started playing well and getting comfortable towards the end of the season. In the last 8 games of the season, Tucker scored in double figured 4 times and averaged just over 5 rebounds a game), Mike Scott (who also played better as the season went on) and of course Lars anchoring the middle as a senior. If Jeff Jones can become a reliable shooter at the 2 spot, the Cavs can have a pretty good season next year. Of course, everything could go to hell and we could suck. But hopefully that’s what this season was and we are on our way back up.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I went to Nationals Park last Sunday and saw the Nats take down the Bravos, which was awesome. The stadium is simply amazing. Anyone that has the time needs to come to DC and go to a game with the Oceanliner. And if you are in the area, give me a call because I will go anytime. It’s gorgeous. Until next time then, stay safe, keep it real and fire up those grills.

Eliminated

2008-04-09T16:56:00.001-04:00

I’m so glad the NCAA title game was close and entertaining. After a tournament chock full of mediocre contests, it’s so fulfilling that the last game of the season was so memorable and not a dud that would leave a bad taste of a blowout or bad basketball in your mouth. It’s definitely sad that we won’t have college rock for another 7-8 months, but at least it ended with a thrilling finish that will leave us a positive memory of the 2007-2008 season while we endure the cruel dog days of late summer regular season baseball. It’s definitely better than the way the college football season ended; with a blowout game featuring two teams many people doubted even deserved to be playing for the national championship anyway.

I’m not going to do much title game analysis, because better writers than I have already done so at great length. I will pat myself on the back however for the enormous success of the first ever edition of the Eliminator. Obviously, I’m not the only one that said poor free throw shooting could doom Memphis in the Tournament, but I did say it way back in February. In fact, Memphis was the first team I Eliminated, and one of the reasons I came up with the idea in the first place. If you will walk with me down memory lane, this is what I said about the Tigers on February 29^th:

You can’t win 6 straight Tourney games shooting the rock like that at the line. They may make a run to the Elite 8 or Final 4, but there’s no way Memphis win’s the title.

Thank you, thank you very much. Obviously the Eliminator wasn’t perfect though, as I only narrowed it down to four teams (Kansas, Carolina, Tennessee and Texas) and I was way off on my title pick (the Longhorns). But it was helpful in narrowing down which teams I would eventually pick to win it all, and I will definitely continue to do so in the future.

Some brief thoughts on the two Final Four games…

Concerning the Memphis-UCLA game, the Oceanliner would like to give credit to Billy Packer for his post-game analysis. I realize he can be a moron on occasion/often, but there are times when he is very astute and it comes through that he may actually be earning some of his pay. As the clock was winding down on the Memphis victory, Vanilla Nance asked Packer why the Tigers had pulled away. Billy responded with something along the lines of:

Well Jim, I thought the whole key to the game was UCLA not taking advantage of the foul trouble of the Memphis big men in the second half. Right after halftime, both Dorsey and Taggert had 3 fouls apiece and UCLA should have fed the ball to Love every chance they got. The Bruins missed a golden opportunity to feed the ball to their best post player and further the Memphis bigs’ foul trouble.

In my opinion, this was absolutely spot on. I even remember throughout the second half, whenever UCLA was bringing the ball up the floor, Packer would say “They need to feed the ball to Love in the post if they want to get back into this game”. This strategy error by UCLA is especially glaring when you look at what Kansas did to Memphis in the championship game, when they scored 44 of their 75 points from the paint.

Concerning the Carolina-Kansas game, for the first 15 minutes it looked like the basketball gods were tea bagging Gutie right in the face in emphatic style, laying a 40-12 smack down on his Tar Heels in response to the Wealth Manager’s inexplicable arrogance and stupidity. Then, to give Gutie a little hope, they let Carolina back within 4, but then promptly shoved their nuts in his face again for an easy 18-point win. I think a lesson has been learned here my friends.

One thing puzzled me while looking at the Carolina-Kansas box score, and that was the stat line for Marcus Ginyard:

32 minutes, 0-3 FG, 0 points, 3 rebounds, 2 assists, 1 foul, 1 turnover, 0 blocks, 0 steals

It begs the question of what he was actually doing when he was on the court. I mean literally, what was he doing. I did a double take when I saw he had played for 32 minutes, because I hadn’t remembered hearing his name or seeing him the entire game, and I watched the whole thing. He only did 10 things all game, and he was in for 32 freakin minutes. Generously assuming that it takes 1 minute to do “something” in a basketball game, that still means Ginyard was a ghost for 22 minutes. He neither helped (no points, 3 boards, 2 assists, 0 blocks, 0 steals) nor hurt (1 foul, 1 turnover) the Tar Heels at all. So I’m still wondering, what (literally) did Marcus Ginyard do when he was on the floor against Kansas?

Well that’s it for this week folks. I am very excited about this weekend, as the Oceanliner is making his debut at the brand spanking new Nationals Park. Eminent roommate Schlingbaum got tickets from his pops and the Ribrary Courts triumvirate will be watching the Nats take on the Bravos on Sunday afternoon. I can’t wait. Until next time friends, same Oceanliner time, same Oceanliner channel.

My Better is Better Than Your Better

2008-04-02T16:05:00.010-04:00

Not only is this the tagline to the awesome series of Nike commercials that are currently running, but "My Better is Better Than Your Better" should also be the tagline to this year's Final Four. All year long these four juggernaut teams have been showing the country why their better is better than everyone else’s better. North Carolina, Memphis, UCLA and Kansas all won their conference regular season and their conference tournaments. They are a combined 143-8. These four teams are so loaded it’s not even funny. The number NBA players on these four rosters is staggering: Derrick Rose, Joey Dorsey, Chris Douglas Roberts, Kevin Love, Darren Collison, Russell Westbrook, Josh Shipp, Ty Lawson, Tyler Hansbrough, Wayne Ellington, Danny Green, Brandon Rush, Mario Chalmers, Darrell Arthur, Darnell Jackson…the list is absolutely ridiculous. This doesn’t even include bigs like Dean Thompson, Alex Stepheson, Sasha Kaun and Robert Dozier who could end up being serviceable post men in the Association some day. I wrote in an earlier post that this was a top-heavy tournament, but good God, I never expected it to be this lopsided. These Final Four teams hammer their opponents into submission and then keep going.

Your agility owes my agility 20 bucks

Agility is just part of what Memphis used to completely dominate a pathetic looking Texas team, who were the Oceanliner’s pick to cut down the nets. How’s that working out for me? The Memphis team is comprised of absolute freaks of nature, but they are also ridiculously good at basketball. Simply put, Derrick Rose and Chris Douglas Roberts manhandled the undersized DJ Augustin and AJ Abrams of the Longhorns. It was a joke. Rose and D-R were so much bigger, so much stronger and yet still just as quick as the helpless Texas backcourt. It was men playing against toddlers on the perimeter. Then you look inside and it was just as mismatched. Joey Dorsey vs. Connor Atchley? Please. Dorsey is one of the most jacked players in the country and threw Atchley around like a rag doll. Seriously, when Dorsey took his shirt off after the game his back and shoulder muscles were bulging out of his body. He looked like a freak defensive end and not a power forward. That dude is scary as hell. He is definitely part of the Adrian Joseph and Latrell Spreewell mold that makes you think, “Man, it really wouldn’t surprise me if this guy stabbed someone before the game.”

My quick smells like French toast

Quick is Ty Lawson exploding up and down the floor for Carolina. With Lawson at the point the Tar Heels are the fastest team in the country and run circles around the competition, if you can call it that. The rest of the team isn’t exactly a bunch of slouches either. We all know about Hansbrough, Ellington and Green, but its not like Thompson, Stepheson, Marcus Ginyard and Will Graves suck either. They would be dominant starters at most other schools. No, it’s just Quentin “Human Turnover Machine” Thomas that sucks. Seriously, he’s really bad.

There is one thing that should make Carolina fans worry however, and that is one of their own openly flaunting the basketball gods. I received a text from the Wealth Manager during the Washington State game that read:

Nobody can hang with the heels...i love it

Gutie was walking the fine line between confidence and cockiness, so I decided to be of help and replied

The bball gods dont like arrogance, id be careful

Apparently Gutie isn’t one to believe in karma, as he replied with a slap in the face of Zeus himself:

I defy the bball gods...mark my words

Such pompousness, such gall! Such flaunting of the established code of basketball ethics and fanhood! If the Tar Heels lose, we will obviously know why. Gutie’s brash and callous text angered those deities high on basketball’s Mount Olympus, and they responded accordingly.

My speed is already watching the next commercial

Speed and strength on defense is why Kansas held off a tough Davidson team. The Jayhawk defense on Stephen Curry in limiting him to 9-25 shooting was the difference. This was especially evident on the last possession, where the Kansas guards refused to let Curry get even a sliver of a glimpse at the basket, forcing him to give up the last shot to Jason Richards, who bricked horrendously from 25 feet.

This stellar perimeter defense will be imperative for Kansas against Lawson and North Carolina. But the match up I’m most looking forward to from the Carolina-Kansas game is one that may not even happen but I’m praying it does: Brandon Rush vs. Danny Green. Both these guys are so polished, so smooth, so quick, so athletic and so good that it would be a treat to see them go at it for hopefully much of the game. I don’t know how the two teams will match up defensively, but a Rush v Green battle would be amazing as a basketball fan.

Your speed moves like a gravy boat

I don’t have anything on the UCLA-Xavier game, mostly because I didn’t watch it. But I did want to add this extra line from the Nike commercial, because it is great.

All in all, let’s hope this Final Four lives up to the hype, because the games really haven’t been that great. But maybe everything was just building to three of the most mind bogglingly good games we’ve ever seen. I for one, can’t wait.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. If you are not planning to watch the Final Four this weekend, well you can either change plans to do so or stop reading this brog. Hope everyone out there is doing well. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and go Nats.

Miracles

2008-03-26T16:57:00.006-04:00

Do you believe in miracles? No, I’m not talking about the 1980 US Olympic hockey team, the litany of darlings in this year’s NCAA Tournament (Davidson, Western Kentucky, Villanova), or even the fact that “Two and Half Men” is the highest rated comedy in the country. Seriously, how do people like that show? No, I’m not even talking about Sean Singletary’s 6 points in the last 6 seconds (including a banked 3 to tie) against ODU in the quarters of the College Basketball Invitational on Monday. The miracle I’m referring to is Ryan “Pett” Pettinella going three straight games with more points than fouls. I had written off this Oceanliner original feature 4 games ago when Pett fell into his deepest hole of the season and reached minus 15 on the Richter scale. But slowly, steadily and frighteningly for free throw coaches, Pett has scored in the plus for 3 straight contests now and has cut his deficit to minus 8 heading into tonight’s Final Four game (of the CBI) against Bradley. If the Hoos win tonight, it gives Pett at least two more games after that to try and rally from the darkest hole imaginable, and maybe three. This is only possible because this inaugural CBI has a final that is a three game series. Yup, you read that right. So let’s all keep our fingers crossed. I would be truly stunned if Pett finished the season with 5 straight more points than fouls games to get himself back into the red, but it would be a fantastic finish.

It would such a fantastic finish that my coworker and I started thinking about who would play the title characters of this drama if it were turned into a major motion picture. The most important role is obviously Pett himself. After careful consideration, I think Chris Klein (the lax jock in American Pie) would play the title role beautifully. Just check out the similarities between these two “studs”:

Next we need the filler for Dave Leitao. This role cannot be taken lightly, as it is Leitao’s furor and passion that pushes Pett to try and finish his senior year with more points than fouls. I’m thinking Sam Jackson here. Next we need a grim character to play the UVA Sports Information Director who midway through the season realizes what a dubious record Pett is about to set. This one was easy. No one is grimmer and more hardass at the same time that Fred Thompson in Die Hard 2 as the air traffic controller.

“My God…Pett has more fouls than points and we are halfway through the season. Christ help us all.”

It’s pure harmony. Some of the other characters are shoe ins as well. Lars would obviously play himself. No one could match his level of awkward intensity and tool-isheness. Plus no one could replicate his very strange sweat patterns. Julia Stiles would have to play a cheerleader that ends up sleeping with a black guy; that’s just what she does in movies. We would have to work in Sean Patrick Thomas in as well, as he only has UVA to hold onto anymore. He would fill in nicely as reserve players Solomon Tat or Jerome Meyinsse, or both. I am still brainstorming on other roles in this masterpiece. Please feel free to leave any suggestions as to who should star in this bio epic.

In all honesty now though, has anyone seen the end of the UVA-ODU game where Singletary had 6 points in the final 6 seconds to seal the win? Insane. Here is the link to watch this crazy video:

http://www.virginiasportstv.com/?v=1674&f=.mov

Singletary is amazing. As I said before, we play Bradley tonight in one semifinal, and if we advance we will play the winner of Tulsa and Houston in a 3 game series final. Too bad none of it is televised.

Moooooving on. So the final Eliminator never really happened (sorry to crush everybody by not providing last minute bracket analysis). It’s a little late now to update, but I’m going to do it anyway, and you’ll just have to believe that this is what I was going to say before last Thursday. It helps that two of my Eliminator picks are already out, for the exact reasons I predicted. Here is a direct quote from my February 29^th column: “At some point the 3’s will stop falling, and that’s when the Devils will lose.” Against West Virginia, Duke missed 15 straight triples at one point. That’s all there is to it. Georgetown was another Eliminator pick, mainly because of Roy Hibbert’s marginality. He had a Pettinella like night against Davidson with 6 points and 5 fouls. Buh bye Hoyas.

This is where you will just have to believe me, now that I’m talking about teams that are still in it. This is an incredibly top heavy tournament in my opinion. I think the best 8 or so teams are head and shoulders above the competition. I think it is impossible that a 1 or a 2 seed doesn’t cut down the nets this year. This means Wisconsin, Louisville, Wazzu, Xavier, Stanford and Michigan St can all kiss their title hopes good bye, along with the obvious low seeds like Villanova, Davidson, Western Kentucky and West Virginia. Now Duke and Georgetown are already gone as two seeds. And from past Eliminators we know that UCLA and Memphis will not be national champions. Again, UCLA will lose because of a horrendous officiating call and Memphis will lose because they can’t hit free throws (15-32, 46% against Miss St; good golly miss Molly). That leaves four teams with a chance for a title: Carolina, Texas, Kansas and Tennessee. The Vols have looked like garbage, but I can’t eliminate them based on 20/20 vision. That’s it, there’s your Eliminator. Yours truly picked Texas to win it all over Kansas in a rematch of the awesome Big 12 Title Game, but I’m scared to death of the Tar Heels right now. But hey, that’s why they play the games, and I can’t wait.

In one more note for this week, you can count me as the one person in America that’s not on the Stephen Curry bandwagon. Well, me and all the Gonzaga and Georgetown fans. Sure he’s good and all, but Curry is just too freakin weird looking for me to be a fan. I’m scared when I see him up close. Both his parents look normal, hell his mom is even kinda hot, but Curry himself looks like an albino cancer patient. His skin pigmentation really throws me off. His ears seem too big for his head, or he needs to grow longer hair (if he can). So that’s how I feel about that.

Well that’s it for this week folks. I took a one-week break from posting, mainly because I was lazy. But now it is springtime, and hopefully I will start posting with frequency now as nature starts blooming. Speaking of spring and blooming, I would like to congratulate a certain Mr. Fish and his engagement to Kathryn. I think it’s freakin awesome, and I know they will be happy. So on that positive note, stay safe, keep it real, and toss that rice.

Ranchero No Share-O

2008-03-13T16:47:00.002-04:00

It’s all yours-o, not theirs-o. You know, corny commercials are really hit or miss with The Oceanliner. Some are really painful to watch and literally make me cringe with awkwardness. Others, like those new Quiznos Ranchero ads, crack me up every time. I don’t know what it is, but there is a fine line with me between corny-good and corny-horrendous. Like those new freecreditreport.com commercials with the songs. I personally find them amusing and catchy, but I could definitely see if some people wanted to drive their car off the road the next time they heard it.

F-r-e-e that spells free, credit report dot com, baby...

Love it. The little head bob the guy does at the end in his car is a perfect way to end it too. I have also liked the two other I have seen (pirate host at a tacky restaurant, living in parents basement). Keep em comin. Until I start to hate them.

Speaking of commercials, we are in the midst of one of the worst periods I can remember of incessant blasts for movies that look absolutely awful. I think it started with the losers that promoted Jumper, where you would see 5 spots a day for a movie that A) looked horrific (way to go Sam Jackson) and B) didn’t come out for another 2 months. It has gotten worse in these weeks following the Osacrs, when I assume movie execs are dumping the dregs of their lot on to the poor public. Over the past couple of nights I’ve seen trailers for Doomsday, Shutter (man that Pacy from Dawson’s Creek is gonna be a star!), Step Up 2, Drillbit Taylor (Owen Wilson has fallen hard), Never Back Down and Bachelor Party 2 (straight to DVD!). Each movie made me shake my head in a combination of incredulity, sadness and disgust. Like I said earlier, I hope this is just a garbage dump stage between Oscar season and summer blockbusters, otherwise the movie industry is in a depressed state. Somehow, 10,000 BC made $35 million in its opening weekend (you know a movie is bad when you see the preview and you have no idea what the movie is about) and College Road Trip made $14 million (you know this movie is bad because it “stars” Martin Lawrence and Raven Simone). I knew it was a sad state of affairs when the most attractive movie option at the moment for me was a toss up between Vantage Point (Dennis Quaid is a hero! Forest Whitaker is a tourist!) and Horton Hears a Who.

This may be my Oelschlager heritage coming out, but I think a recessive Eurotrash gene has resurfaced in my family, as I am somehow unable to turn off awful techno-pop when it comes on the radio. Sandstorm? Love it. That remake of Listen to Your Heart? Can’t get enough of it. The techno version of the Braveheart song? Addicting. So if you were driving on the Beltway this morning around 8:30 and saw some lunatic bouncing around his blue Grand Cherokee like a madman, you can relax. It wasn’t me having a seizure; Hot 99.5 decided to play Everytime We Touch by Cascada and I had to crank it. I had no choice, it was reflexive. I need help.

And yes, there is an actual point to this post, so I will stop with the strange Oceanliner anecdotes. It is time to update the Eliminator, those teams which are not going to win the NCAA Tournament. Last week we said good bye to Duke, Memphis and every Mid Major that’s makes it (this now includes Cornell, Belmont, Portland State, Winthrop, George Mason, Butler, Siena, Drake, Mt. St. Mary’s, Austin Peay, Davidson, Oral Roberts, Western Kentucky and San Diego). It’s time to add two more teams to the No Soup For You list. Drumroll please…

Georgetown

Roy Hibbert is not a very good basketball player. He played in the same conference as Episcopal in high school and I remember seeing him play when I was a senior and he was a junior. He was terrible. The man literally could not run or catch. Ole Roy has definitely grown into his body, but he still looke like Old Man River. He is still awkward as hell, will definitely not take over a game and is very overrated. I mean, this is a guy who averaged 13.6 points and 6.4 rebounds this year, and he’s supposed to be some kind of superstar? Why are people calling him a lottery pick? The only reason is because he’s 7’2”, which is hilarious because someone who is that tall needs to be able to play basketball too. He has improved exponentially since high school, but he’s not NBA caliber and he can’t take over a college game like Oden could. The Hoyas had their best shot last year when they had a legitimate college ace in Jeff Green (who’s now averaging 9 and 5 in the Show by the way). Now they don’t have Green and Hibbert is still average. These ingredients are not going to put together a Champion. Sorry G-town, you’ve been eliminated.

UCLA

It is tough for me to eliminate the Bruins, especially since they have the inside-outside presence needed to win a championship. It’s even tougher for me to eliminate them because they have been essentially disqualified for actions that were of no fault of their own. UCLA was the beneficiary of two absolutely horrendous officiating calls in their two back-to-back nail biter wins against Standford and Cal. Again, this was no fault of their own. But every NCAA champion needs a little but of luck along the way, and the Bruins have already used up all of theirs. The college basketball gods look down on this sort of thing and must equalize. UCLA has already gotten two miracle calls, and they will not get the others needed to win the Tournament. I’m even going to even go as far as to predict that an egregious, game altering, last second call is going to go against UCLA come Tournament time, and they will be helpless to prevent it. I feel bad for UCLA, because the college basketball gods have to smite them down. But that’s the way it goes sometimes. Bu bye Bruins.

If you hadn’t noticed already, NC State is pathetic. They have lost 9 games in a row. Early season losses came to New Orleans and East Carolina. In their loss to Miami today in the first round of the ACC Tourney, JJ Hickson actually had a good game. He had 27 points on 8-15 shooting. Too bad the rest of his “team mates” combined to go 8-33 from the field (24%) and score only 23 points themselves. That’s just painfully bad.

Anyone catch Bob Knight doing some analysis for ESPN? I didn’t listen to a word he said because what he was wearing cracked me up so much. While Digger Phelps and whoever was hosting were all dapper in their suits, Knight had on a collared shirt and a windbreaker. Priceless. It looked like he had just come in off the golf course. No way is The General going to be The Man’s bitch and put on a suit. The windbreaker even had an ESPN logo stitched on it. Great stuff.

Well that’s it for this week folks. The Oceanliner is very excited about the Virginia-Georgia Tech game tonight. Be sure to tune in at 7pm on the deuce. That’s 6pm for you in the Central, Gutie. Hopefully the Cavs can prolong their season. Either way it will be fun to watch Sean Singletary ball it up at least one more time. So until next time friends, same bat time, same bat channel.

The Tea Bag

2008-03-10T21:17:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone, happy Monday. Let’s start this week off with something everyone can enjoy. And by everyone I mean people who love watching Duke lose, of which the Oceanliner may be Vice President. I love a good posterizing. I love a good posterizing that features a monster dunk. And I most certainly love a good posterizing featuring a monster dunk that results in Greg Paulus getting tea bagged on national television while simultaneously silencing the Cameron Crazies.

Insert a thousand words here. No prose can capture the beauty of that picture. If Superman himself were to tea bag someone, that is what it would look like. It’s as if Danny Green had practiced his whole life for that one moment. Note the eerie similarity between Green’s pose during The Tea Bag (yes, this is officially The Tea Bag now) and the sweetest logo of all time.

Sometimes the universe aligns in just the right moment and gives us history. The Tea Bag is one of those moments.

Danny Green is quickly becoming one of my favorite players in college basketball. This is not wholly due to his authorship of The Tea Bag, but it’s part of it. Green is a pure gamer and I love watching him play. He can shoot (48% from the field, 85% from the line and 38% from deep this season), drive (The Tea Bag), run the floor, rebound (5.4 a game in 22 min off the bench) and defend (1.3 steals a game, 7 blocks against Duke). He is a stat stuffer and provides instant energy for a Tar Hell team that is already stock full of it. Green reminds me of The Matrix Shawn Marion with his versatility and athleticism. Green even has the cocky swagger that Marion does not. Needless to say, I am very excited to watch Green and the Tar Hell Co. over the next three weeks.

Speaking of tea bagging, I’m so relieved that there is at least one person in the media who is not lining up to service Brett Favre on his Peter King sponsored retirement tour. Glubiak forwarded me this link to a piece written by ESPN’s Sal “The Vowels in My Last Name Don’t Make Sense” Paolantonio. If you enjoyed the beginning of my last post you will enjoy this as well. Or if you just want the other side of the Favre bandwagon.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=paolantonio_sal&id=3281535&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab5pos1

In one final note about the Duke-Carolina game, Dicky V is quickly becoming one of the worst color commentators in the business. There is hardly a shred of any actual analysis anymore. All Vitale does is gush and scream about 1) the college atmosphere 2) the passion, heart and effort of the players, and 3) the omnipotence of the coaches. It is nice to expound on these virtues once a game, but Vitale went on a rant about these things every 3 minutes. I never once heard a interesting or poignant piece of analysis or any semblance of X’s and O’s. ESPN needs to sack up and tell Viatle to actually do his job or he’s canned, but of course this will never happen.

On the other hand, I was very impressed by the pre, mid and post game comments by UNC alum Hubert Davis and Duke grad Jay Bilas on ESPN about the best rivalry in sports. On Game Day, both gave props and respect to the other team while still strongly defending why they believed their respective alma maters would prevail. At halftime, both presented frank and unbiased analysis about what they had seen (Davis: “If North Carolina continues to play good defense, they will hold on for the win”. Bilas: “Duke must handle the ball better if they have any shot of coming back in this game”). Most impressive of all though was after the game when Davis didn’t gloat (like Boo-yah or Keyshawn would have done) and Bilas didn’t act like a sore loser (“Carolina played harder and deserved to win this game”). There was none of the contrived argument that ESPN loves to promote these days. Plus you had vanilla-but-effective Rece Davis moderating and Digger’s ridiculous hat as high comedy. Throw in one of the best play-by-play men in the biz right now (Dan Schulman) and the smoking hot Erin Andrews roaming the sidelines and you get some of the best coverage of a major sporting event that ESPN has done in a while. It’s just too bad Vitale brought them all down to a 2 from a 10 because of his incessant idolatry of college, its students, players and coaches.

I hope everyone got a chance to watch the UVA-Maryland game last night and the terrific end to Sean Singletary’s brilliant career. It was a satisfying ending to a disappointing regular season to beat the Terps by 15 at home on Senior Night with 44 leading the way while getting his jersey getting retired. Not only that, Singletary was just named to the All ACC First Team for the third year in a row. Singletary garnered Third Team All America status last season, the first time since Ralph Sampson that any Wahoo has earned that recognition. It looks bleak that he will repeat on that team with the way the season has gone, but we all need to recognize how good of a plyer we have watched in Charlottesville over the past 4 years.

Painfully corny note of the week. It hurts and saddens me that some loser UVA fan at the game last night got on TV at least 5 times with one of the worst signs in recent memory. “Thanks 44 the memories” it said. So stupid. So painful. If the number was just 4, it would have been alright because the play on words would have actually made sense and it would have earned a small smile. But since it’s 44, it doesn’t make sense and it sucked. Plus the dude was wearing a backwards cammo hat. F.

Let us all be thankful that Ryan Pettinella also played his last regular season game for the Cavs last night. If he had two more years left instead of having transferred from Penn I would weep every day for the next two seasons. Pett had a vintage game against Maryland for his standards. Unfortunately this means playing horribly, picking up 3 fouls with no other stats in 7 minutes. Horrific production. Pett finishes the regular season minus 15 points to fouls. Pett is really not good at playing basketball.

Well, that’s it for today folks. The college basketball scheduling gods have managed smiled on the Cavs in terms of the ACC Tournament. Be sure to tune in Thursday night at 7pm on ESPN2 as we take on a very beatable Georgia Tech team in the first round. Should the Hoos win, we play Dook the next night at 7. I am very grateful that I will be able to watch these game(s). Thank you college basketball gods. Be sure to look for an Eliminator update later this week. Until then my friends, stay safe, keep it real and curve your hats right.

Memories

2008-03-07T13:22:00.001-05:00

A drive crippling, back breaking, game ending, heart wrenching, soul tearing, duck season interception. Let me say it again because it makes me feel all warm inside. Brett Favre’s career ended on a drive crippling, back breaking, game ending, heart wrenching, soul tearing, duck season interception. I for one could not be more happy. That overtime pick against the Giants in the NFC Title game will endure as my most vivid memory of good ol number 4. It completely epitomizes who he is in my mind. I will also remember the 287 other interceptions he threw, most in NFL history. I will remember the five 20 interception seasons he had. I will remember his pedestrian 1.53 career touchdown to interception ratio. I will remember him never throwing less than 13 picks in a season. I will remember his 147 career fumbles (unfortunately he only lost 64 of them). I will remember the 439 sacks he took.

These are the things that I will remember about Brett Favre. Everyone else is too busy gushing about how amazing he was, so I figure someone has to recount how bad The Ginslinger was at times. You can call me a hater, I’m fine with that. It just really bothers me that people act like its taboo to not like Brett Favre. I respect the man. He was an unbelievable quarterback. That doesn’t mean I have to like him. He beat my 49ers multiple times in the playoffs, and his cocky attitude on the field really turned me off. Not only is he the career leader in interceptions thrown, in my mind he if the unofficial king of leader in heave ho, gawd awful interceptions. And like a light shining down from above, there is at least one other person who feels the same way I do. This compilation of horrific Favre interceptions will be one of my bookmarks for the rest of my days.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=aKikPebj0sE

I would pay 100 bucks to get an NFL films DVD of every one of Brett Favre’s career interceptions, sacks and fumbles. It would be spectacular. It would also be like 6 hours long. But Steve Sabol, along with most other media members, is too busy worshiping Favre for this to ever happen. Oh well.

In other memories, the Ryan Pettinella saga is quickly becoming one as there is now no way he will go plus on his season long quest for more points than fouls. Its officially over. Before it would take a small miracle, but now its impossible. The Cavs had a grueling 5 day stretch from Saturday to Wednesday in which they sandwiched a win over Georgia tech in between losses to Miami and Duke. Pett went minus 6 during this stretch (of course towards fouls) and is now at 72 fouls and 60 points with only 2 or 3 games left. Sorry buddy, your ship has sailed. This mother is closed.

Here are some more quick hits that are floating around in my brain:

Watch out for the Cleveland Browns offense next year. They resigned Derek Anderson and just brought in Donte Stallworth to a multiyear deal. This attack could be scary good. In case you hadn’t noticed, Braylon Edwards is one of the top 5 receivers in the league. Last year he had 80 catches for 1,289 yards and 16 freakin touchdowns. He has really come into his own and backed up the Browns for taking him 3^rd overall in the ’05 draft. He was on SportsCenter’s Top 10 almost weekly throughout the season for his ridiculous circus catches. Besides Edwards, a top flight number 1 wideout, the Browns have a great possession guy in Joe Jurevicius in the slot, a superb deep threat now in Stallworth, a stud tight end in Kellen Winslow (82 grabs, 1,106 yards and 5 TD’s last year) and a resurrected Jamal Lewis in the running game (1,304 yards and 9 TD’s). Cleveland was 8^th in the NFL in scoring last year, and I predict them getting into the top 5 in 2008. If Andersen doesn’t regress, I don’t see how you are going to stop these guys.

For all you Wahoo fans out there: there is an awesome 4-page article on Chris Long in this week’s Sports Illustrated (the one with Hansbrough on the cover). Very cool stuff. I highly recommend picking it up. If you can’t, here’s one of the highlights. They mention how Littlejohn’s on the corner has a sandwich names after Ralph Samson. They then quote the owner as saying he’s planning on coming out with a footlong hot dog named after Chris Long. How awesome is that? I suggest The Long Dog. In serious talk about the draft now, I would honestly take Long over Glen Dorsey of LSU, even if a little of that is biased. There are too many questions surrounding Dorsey’s injuries for me to take him with a top 5 pick. I would much rather have Long, a guy who has never been hurt and you know will produce at the next level. As my Dad was saying, you know Chris Long will be a successful pro. You don’t know if he will be a 10 time All Pro or just have a solid 10 year career, but he will be a successful NFL player. I would be worried that Dorsey would have an injury plagued career and never really take off. But that’s just me.

In more Draft talk, people are saying Matt Ryan might go number 1 to the Dolphins. If Miami pulls the trigger on Ryan, I say they are insane. How has Ryan shot up so quickly? He has been too mediocre in lots of the times I’ve seen him to even be a Top 10 pick. I wouldn’t take him until the late first round at the earliest. Brady Quinn is better than Matt Ryan and he went in the 20’s. Jamarcus Russell got $60 million from the Raiders last year. If Ryan goes number 1 he will get that kind of money. Does he deserve that? Hell no. Give me Brian Brohm or Joe Flacco in the late first, early second rounds. In fact, I’m gonna say it right now: Matt Ryan will be an NFL bust. But hey, that’s just me.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Springtime weather is slowly settling in, and I love it. This weekend we spring back absurdly early, so remember to change you clocks and watches on Saturday night. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and don’t knock your socks off.

Eliminator

2008-02-29T07:01:00.002-05:00

College basketball is really kicking ass right now. We are running full steam through conference play and it is awesome. I have started to think ahead towards the Tourney and as always, I have no idea who I think is going to take home the National Championship. So this year, starting right now, I thought it would be easier to try and think of all the teams that WON’T will the NCAA’s, and by the time March Madness rolls around the short list of teams will be reasonable and I will make my selection from that group. So here goes. These are Oceanliner stamped teams that will not be cutting down the nets in Houston on April 4th.

Memphis

The Tigers are fun to watch and have a multitude of uber talented athletic freaks. But there is no way in hell the worst free throw shooting team in the entire country will take home the national title. Everyone saw how badly it cost them against the Vols on Saturday. They were 8-17 from the line and lost by 4. Do the math. This terrible showing at the charity stripe dropped them to 341st in the country out of 341 teams. There is not a single team in the nation worse at shooting free throws than Memphis. They only hit freebies at a 58.6% rate as a team. That’s despicable. What’s got to be so frustrating to Tiger fans is that not only does their team suck at free throw shooing; they compound it by actually getting to the line more than almost every team in the country! Calipari’s team gets to the line the 16th most frequently in the country, but is 341st in free throw percentage. Egads. This cannot be a part of a championship team’s resume. You can’t win 6 straight Tourney games shooting the rock like that on the line. They may make a run to the Elite 8 or Final 4, but there’s no way Memphis win’s the title.

Duke

The Blue Devils are loaded, but rely way too much on the 3-point shot to cut down the nets. When they are shooting well, they can beat anyone in the country. But when they shoot poorly, they can lose 2 in a row to pedestrian ACC teams like Wake Forest and Miami. Duke’s lack of an interior is really hurting them. Their starting “power forward” is Kyle Singler, who plays more like a 2 guard. He would rather jack threes than crash the boards and bang inside. Again, the Dookies may make an Elite 8 or Final 4 run with their style of play, but they ain’t takin home the prom queen with their trigger happy style of play. In their two losses to Wake and Miami, the Devils attempted 65 threes. They hit 35% of them and still lost. For the season Duke has hit 38% of its treys, 48th best in the country. For a team that takes that many triples, they would need to be in the top 20 to contend for the title. At some point the 3’s will stop falling, and that’s when the Devils will lose.

Any Mid Major

There are 31 automatic bids to the Tournament that go to teams that have won their conference. The overall winner is going to come from one of the six major conferences, so we can rule out the 25 mid majors that automatically make the Dance, and any others that get in with an at large. A small school team simply will not win the title this year. The last mid major to win it all was UNLV in 1990, and that was one of the best teams college basketball has ever seen. They came in as a 1 seed and beat Duke by 30 in the title game. There isn’t a mid major in the country that can even sniff how good those Rebels were. So you can eliminate those 25 odd teams from winning it all. That means you Drake, Butler, St. Mary’s Gonzaga and the like. Sorry.

Well, that’s the preliminary list. You can cross off at least 27 teams from your title game winner pick. Hey, that’s 40% of the whole field, not bad. So between now and the start of the Big Dance I will update the Eliminator with teams that won’t win it all. It will be in no particular order, just when I feel like I have a conclusive feeling. Your welcome.

A layup. A single layup was all that separated Oceanliner posterboy Ryan Pettinella from chipping into his fouls to points deficit for the season instead of falling in a bigger whole. But alas, Pett blew a first half layup against the Wolfpack on Sunday and finished the game with 3 points and 4 fouls. He now stands at 64 fouls to 58 points, minus 6 with at minimum 5 games left. You can almost hear his boat sailing over the river Styx, being so close now to losing the season battle.

Pett’s 3 points both came in hilarious ways. His only bucket was an awkward dunk, which somehow was the cover photo for UVA’s website recap of the game.

That just looks like a train wreck. The other point came on a free throw that Pett banked in. I shit you not. He banked in a free throw and if you were watching the game on TV, you saw one of the assistant coaches hiding his face in his hands and shaking his head with Singletary laughing next to him. Now that’s great theatre.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. The Oceanliner is going to get hippie as hell tonight, as moe. is coming to the 9:30 club and yours truly will be in attendance. Should be good times had by all. Last week’s post generated the most comments ever on the Oceanliner, but it was in response to a comment I had on fashion. I don’t know what to make of that. Who knows. But I do know one thing, and that is to stay safe, keep it real and protect your blindside.

One for the Money, Two of deez nuts

2008-02-21T18:13:00.002-05:00

So I’ve finally decided what I want to do with my life. Surprisingly, I came across this realization while walking through Bloomingdale’s with Austin. She was browsingthe trendy clothing section and complained about how she couldn’t afford any of it. I thought nay, it couldn’t be THAT expensive. So I started looking at a couple of price tags and was blown away by how bad these designers were ripping people off. Shirts with less material than a wifebeater were going for $400, tiny bags for $700 and hideous jackets for a grand. It hit me that I need to get in on this brainwashing. How hard can it be to design something normal, slap a fancy name on it, convince women that they have to have it and charge 348% too much for it? This is the business for me. Sure I don’t know anything about fashion, but other people do. I’ll hire them to design the clothes and use my people skills (?) to get deals with all the major department stores. The one thing I need to perfect is the brand name that I will sell by. John Oelschlager sounds like a brand of miner’s overalls, not a luxury women’s fashion. But by a simple twist, I believe I could have the market covered. J. Oelschlager would be my brand name. Simple, elegant and effective. An instant classic. I would even have a men’s line. The first launch would be Rugged Luxury by J. Oelschlager. It would be so easy. Now all I have to do is implement this…GUTIE! Manage my wealth so I can start J. Oelschlager. Do it.

So it’s the dog days of late February, and just like Duke at the moment, I don’t have much of my legs left, so here are my quick hit thoughts.

Has anyone taken a look at the Looney Tunes NBA standings lately? It’s comical. In the East, there are only five teams with winning records. In the West, there are nine teams that are at least 12 games over .500. Golden State, the 9^th best team in the West and looking up at the playoffs, would be the 4 seed in the East with home court advantage in the first round. Joke city.

Speaking of the NBA, I watched my first regular season game in a very long time. It was a slow night, so I decided to watch the Lakers-Suns game on Wednesday evening, pitting Shaq against his old team for the first time as a Sun. And I’ll tell you what, it was actually enjoyable. The crowd felt like a college crowd; they were living and dying with each possession and going bonkers. The players were also giving it their all, showing true effort in these current days of isos and glamour. It was very entertaining, and it might has even convinced me to tune in to the NBA playoffs come spring, at least in the West that is.

The Suns-Lakers game also provided yet another hilarious announcer unheard of analogy. Hubie “Cardiac” Brown was trying to explain how Lamar Odom is more comfortable now that he is the third best player on the team behind Kobe and Gasol instead of the pressure packed 2^nd best behind Mr. Bryant. But instead of literally saying exactly that, Brown gave this gem:

Odom is a lot more comfortable now being the third banana.

Third banana? Bananas come in twos? Or threes? I thought they came in bunches? Or single? Who knows. If anyone can explain this analogy, please let the Oceanliner know immediately.

The NBA dunk contest was this weekend, and if you didn’t watch it, you need to spend an hour watching the whole thing on YouTube. The things that these guys keep coming up with is nutso. All I know is that I want a poster of Superman Dwight Howard on my wall doing this as soon as I can get it:

Lastly, it looks like the clock is quickly approaching midnight for our friend Mr. Pettinella. He continues to be minus 5 after his puzzling0 point, 0 foul, 2 rebound game against Boston College. He only has at most 6 games left heading into tonights game against Georgia Tech, depending on how we do in the ACC Tournament. Amazingly, he only has 7 games on the season where he has more points than fouls. And he has played in 21 games. So unless he increases his abysmal rate of only 33% of games having more points than fouls, or he explodes for a 20 point night, he is pretty much doomed. Pay close attention folks, this is getting gritty.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Like I said, it’s the doldrums of February and I just don’t have it. Plus there’s not much going on in the world of sports right now, so that’s another thing. No excuses though, play like a champion. I hope everyone out there is doing well. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and roll the dice.

A Comedy of Cavaliers

2008-02-13T21:39:00.008-05:00

It has not been a good week for the University of Virginia. We have managed to embarrass ourselves in both football and basketball in a period of less than 7 days. Hard to do? Yes. But the Cavs were up for a challenge.

First of all, lets start with the more subtle humiliation. As we all know, National Signing Day was last Wednesday, where high school seniors let the country know where they would be playing football in the fall. According to Scout.com, UVA pulled in the 62^nd best class in the country. At first I felt like that was about right. In no way are we a perennial power or a recruiting juggernaut. Charlottesville doesn’t exactly have the buzz of a hot town that will lure top talent by itself, and Al Groh simply isn’t a silky smooth Saban-like schmoozer. Needless to say, I was not expecting a top 25 class. But then I started realizing how bad the 62^nd best recruiting class in the country really was.

First I wanted to see how we did compared to the other teams in the ACC. This was depressing to say the least. Five teams in our conference landed classes in the top 25: Miami (3), Florida State (5), Clemson (11), Virginia Tech (20), and Boston College (22). Great. Almost half the teams in the league have classes that kick the shit out of ours. But hey, I wasn’t expecting a top 25 class, so what can you do. The next four teams fell between 25-50. To be honest, this is where I felt UVA belonged, along side NC State, Carolina, Georgia Tech and Maryland. But no, UVA had the 10^th best class in the ACC, a full 10 spots behind the 9^th place Terps who came in at 52. The only two ACC teams that fared worse that UVA were Wake Forest and Dook. But we only beat Wake by 3 spots and the Devils by 8. Pathetic. Wake is one of the smallest schools in D1 with just over 3500 kids. We should be able to crush them on the recruiting path. And then there’s Dook, who was an astounding 6-45 under the recently fired Ted Roof, and somehow UVA managed to fall to their level. I don’t know what I would have done if the Dookies had pulled in a better class than us. But it is a fair statement that UVA and Duke have a similar level of talent coming in this fall. That’s a scary thought.

Taking this one step further, I thought about if we did this poorly in the ACC, how badly did we do compared against the rest of the BCS conference teams? There are 65 teams in the 6 BCS conferences (ACC, Big 10, Big 12, Big East, Pac 10 and SEC). There were four teams ahead of UVA in the recruiting class rankings who aren’t in these conferences (Notre Dame, Southern Miss, BYU and Fresno State). That means that UVA ranked 58^th out of the 65 teams in BCS conferences. Think about that for a minute. Only seven teams, (seven!) had worse BCS classes than the Cavaliers. Only the traditional powerhouses of Indiana, Wake, Northwestern, Uconn, Duke, Vandy and Washington State had worse BCS classes than the Cavaliers. Cincinnati, Baylor, Iowa State, Syracuse and Stanford all did much better than UVA. Those teams suck nuts and we went 9-4 last year. To be out classed by those losers is ridiculous. It makes you wonder what the hell Groh and his staff are even doing on the road. You almost have to try and be that bad to be in the 12^th percentile (sorry 12.3 to be exact) of BCS recruiting classes.

To recap, UVA got the 62^nd best recruiting class in the nation. That is 10^th in the ACC. 58^th out of 65 BCS conference teams. 12.3 percentile. No recruits in the Top 150. No 5 star players. Only one 4 star player (Torrey Mack, a RB from CT). Horrendous.

One of the biggest problems the Cavaliers have had since I have been following the program is keeping Virginia talent in state and away from Tech. This simply isn’t happening and its killing Virginia football. Out of the 18 players UVA signed, only 4 were from the Commonwealth. Compare that to the Hokies, who got 24 of their 31 players from inside Virginia state lines. Tech signed five, count em five 4 star players from within Virginia while the Cavs got none. The Carolinas were an additional source of servature. Both North and South Cakalacky took three 4 star recruits each away from the Commonwealth and indirectly the Cavaliers. On top of all that, the only 5 star player in the whole state, QB E.J. Manuel (the 2^nd ranked QB nationally behind Terrelle Pryor) chose to head south to Florida State instead of staying home. UVA will never be a respectable football program when we get served so bad in our own back yard. It’s not like the talent isn’t there, it’s that we just can’t get any of it.

Shifting over to basketball, UVA managed to embarrass itself the very next night after National Singing Day, losing by 31 to Clemson at home in one of the most uninspired performances I have ever seen by the Cavaliers. Good thing it was televised nationally on ESPN2. It was absolutely pathetic. There was no hustle, no defense and no passion. It looked like nobody on the court with a UVA jersey gave a shit at all. I don’t care if a team loses games, but if a team gives up on a game or season and quits trying then I will stop watching. You can have no regrets if you play hard and lose. If you play half assed and lose it is one of the most infuriating things imaginable. The Clemson game epitomized this quitting attitude. We were out rebounded 35-27, committed 18 turnovers and allowed Clemson to shoot 16-26 from 3-point range. Most of those 3’s were uncontested. In short it became a massacre. Mike “Game Ruiner” Patrick was on the call, and even he was subdued because it was such an ass whooping. Soon the texts were flying into the Oceanliner decrying the awful state of play. This from Eroder:

This is horrendous

Next from Gutie:

I just turned to the Cavs game and within 30 seconds of me watching pett picks up a foul

Of course he did. What else would he do? And finally, these three barrages from Armstrong that epitomized the night.

Newsflash. We fucking blow

Really glad I turned down tickets to tonight’s game. I’m pretty sure I would have driven off the road on the way home.

I mean I’d rather have watched American Idol.

The Oceanliner would definitely rather have watched American Idol than watch my favorite team give up on a game and not try. The only worthwhile part of the game was a comment from crazy Bucky Waters, who was trying to explain that you can’t teach talent, but his analogy came out horribly wrong:

You know, a leopard can’t teach a house cat how to kill an antelope

Stunned silence. Even Mike Patrick was at a loss for a hyperbole at that one.

UVA continued its national embarrassment in losing to a terrible Wake team by 16 on Saturday on ABC. I did not watch this game, but the recap did not lend us any compliments.

All of these factors combined make it so crazy then at the performance the Hoos gave last night against Carolina. They played their absolute hearts out. Players diving for loose balls, jumping on the floor to force a jump ball, playing hard-nosed defense and never giving up against the 5^th ranked team in the country. It was truly a 180 in terms of effort level. I can only assume Leitao pushed the right buttons in practice and got the players to play with a little pride and nuts for once, and it showed. ESPN caught the mood exactly right in their recap:

The Tar Heels got all they could handle from the Cavaliers, who have lost 9 of 10 but played nothing like a team in a hopeless freefall.

That is pinpoint. We are in a hopeless freefall, but we damn sure didn’t play like it. If UVA had shown the same lackluster effort against Carolina that they did against Clemson, I probably wouldn’t have watched another Hoos game all season. It would be too frustrating. But they played with heart, and even though they dropped another close one, I believe they have a chance to win any game they play, however small that chance is. They had a 0% chance to win with the effort they showed against Clemson.

This 1-point loss was surprising on so many levels. It offered perhaps the most lopsided match up of the season in all of college basketball: Ryan Pettinella vs. Tyler Hansbrough. Again I go to texter nation to analyze this mismatch. From Gutie:

Pett will be fouled out in as many possessions as he is in the game

Eroder weighs in again:

Might see a quadruple double

Yawkdawg down in Colatown had this to say:

There should be a rule against it

Tyler was very blatant in his assessment:

0 points, 0 rebs and 5 fouls

Armstrong evoked a biblical analogy:

Goliath will win

So what proceeded to occur can only be described as a miracle. While guarding Hansbrough (who leads the ACC in free throw attempts per game at around 10), Pettinella only picked up 3 fouls in 22 minutes. This is astonishing. Pett made it to the 2:24 mark in the first half with no fouls, while starting the game and playing significant minutes. Truly hard to believe. Eminent Oceanliner friend and huge Carolina fan Carrington had an interesting prediction before the game. He mused that since the Tar Heels had racked up suck a huge discrepancy in free throw attempts against Clemson on Sunday (36-7), that the refs would curb fouls called against UVA in an attempt to show that they don’t bias Carolina on the charity stripe. I think its part of the reason, but certainly not the whole reason, that UNC only went to the line 12 times against the Hoos. This certainly helped out Pett’s performance, and I’m happy for the big man.

And of course, this segways perfectly into an update of the original Oceanliner feature on Pett’s season long battle between points and fouls. And let me tell you what, Pett was in trouble after the Clemson game. He managed a 4 foul, no point performance that left him at minus 10 for the season. Minus 10. That is really embarrassing. But as we all know, in the universe there is a yin and a yang. A balance if you will. That can only account for the 12 point, 11 rebound explosion Pettinella had against Wake on Saturday (with 4 fouls of course). That brought him back to minus 2 for the season. Of course against UNC he promptly added no points to his 3 foul performance, but at least he had 6 boards. So as we stand now, Pett is at 60 fouls and 55 points with 6 games left before the ACC tourney. This is going to be great folks. Godspeed Ryan, Godspeed.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I hope everyone out there is doing well. The Oceanliner is going to enjoy this fabulous three-day weekend by doing absolutely nothing and loving every minute of it. If you have a date for Valentine’s Day, enjoy. If not, way to be such a loser. Until next time then, stay safe, keep it real and zip it up, and zip it out.

Teradactyl

2008-02-06T20:32:00.000-05:00

Happy February everybody. I don’t have much to say about the Super Bowl that hasn’t been beaten to death already, so let’s just move on. Although it’s definitely sad that Load Football is done for the next seven months, there is still a wide range of sporting events to keep us from getting too lost in the routine of every day life. And when sports doesn’t do it anymore, there are still plenty of hilarious parts of life to roll on. So don’t despair because football is over and we are in the doldrums of early February. March Madness is just around the corner, and then we swing into golf major season and then the glory of summer is upon us. So keep your chin up, and happy February.

And although I don’t have anything to say about XLII, I doneed to point readers to the hilarious Michael Strahan. This one clip didn’t make the rounds nearly as much as the “Stomp You Out” video, but is infinitely more hilarious. All of you Chappelle Show/”Black Bush” fans out there will know what I’m talking about. Gutie, this one’s especially for you.

http://video.wnbc.com/player/?id=214308

Now that football is over, we can focus our attention back to the freakish athletic nature of professional basketball players. Watching a regular season basketball game is still very painful, but some of the highlights that surface remind us how gifted these guys really are. I was watching the recap of the Celtics-Cavs game from Tuesday night, and King James put on a freaking show. The coolest highlight was when Tyrone Biggums crack head look-alike Rajon Rondo drove to the basket and tried to throw up a weak layup off the glass. LBJ seemingly came from across the lane and blovked the hell out of the shot, almost palming the ball against the backboard with one hand. Simply amazing. The local Cavs play-by-play man put it best with:

A terodactyl couldn’t have blocked that shot any better!

A superb image to put in the viewers head. I wish I were that clever. I personally think Terodactyl is a sweet nickname for an NBA player, especially one with insane leaping ability. But LeBron already has a significant stable of nicknames (LBJ, King, Chosen One, Bron Bron). He also has the ability to go by one name, simply LeBron. No one will confuse that with somebody else. So it would be a shame to waste Teradactyl on a player with so many other monikers. So my goal was to find a freakish leaper that was semi under the radar who did not already have a badass nickname. Shawn Marion came to mind, but he is already The Matrix. And Kobe is one of those single named entites. Then it hit me. The NBA player that should be called Teradactyl is Josh Smith of the Atlanta Hawks. Kid is an absolute freak. 6’9’’ with a 35 inch vertical leap and a 7’4” wingspan. The guy throws down the most thunderous dunks you have ever seen, and is equally adept on the defensive side of the ball, where he is second in the NBA in blocks and comes out of nowhere to swat the ever-living shit out of people. If you have not seen highlights, go to You Tube immediately. Better yet, here’s his Top 10 plays of last season, and they are insane:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ocaatPvI90k

I’ve heard that some people call Smith Jsmooth. Well that shit is stupid as hell. So let’s spread the word Oceanliner nation: whenever you talk about Josh Smith, christen him the Teradactyl. I think we can do it.

Now, here at the Oceanliner, we (I?) can’t stand it when people can’t own up to mistakes that they have made. And unfortunately in my case, I have to admit to one right now. After watching continued highlights over the last couple of months of lame duck biotch Tracy McGrady contrasted against the brilliance of the Teradactyl, I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I erred when picking my All NBA Volleyball All Star Team back in December. It’s the one pick I wish I could have back. There’s just no way T-Mac deserves to be on the team more than Smith. At one point maybe, but it’s not even close right now. I’m happy with all of my other picks, and I’m certain they will last the test of time. But that’s one I really screwed up on, and I have no excuses. Tyler, your inclusion of Smith in the starting lineup is the right call. I am humble in the wake of this error.

When you check the NBA standings, you realize how stupid their playoff format is. There are 30 teams in the Association. Over half of them make the playoffs, which is astounding. If you are in the bottom half of the league, theres no way you deserve a chance to compete for the title. Yet a full 16 teams make the post season. This becomes especially nuts when there is a large disparity in talent between the conferences, as there is this year. The West as a whole Is so much better than the East it’s not even funny. If the season ended today, both the Atlanta Hawks and New Jersey Nets would make the playoffs. They are a combined 12 games under .500. Meanwhile, in the West, the Houston Rockets are on the outside looking in with a 28-20 record, good for 9^th in the conference. They would be the 4^th seed in the Eastern Conference. What a joke. There are only 5 teams in the West with losing records. Over half the squads in the East are below .500. Pathetic. The NBA should make the playoffs the best teams in the league, regardless of conference. Note I didn’t say the top 16 teams in the league, because that number is ludicrous. One of the reasons people can’t stand the NBA is that their playoffs last two and a half months. That’s what happens when there are 16 teams and every series is best of 7. They should cut the eligible teams to 8, and then people might actually care about the matchups and watch them in a reasonable time frame.

Speaking of ludicrous, what the hell is Steve Kerr thinking trading The Matrix for Shaq. This honestly is such a stupid move that it would be justifiable to fire Kerr on the spot. I’m not going to go into why it was a bad trade, good writers have done a better job doing that. It’s just a sad day for NBA fans in general. I was talking to my friend on the phone today who is a huge Suns fan and he made a good point. The Suns are a lot of people’s second or third favorite team because they are just so damn fun to watch. Many fans who don’t even have a team enjoy watching the fun and gun that the Suns display night in and night out. The Shaq trade completely ruins this style, and people will lose interest in the team. This obviously hurts the NBA and casual fans. It’s like in football where you have your loyal team to the death (49ers for me) but enjoy seeing other teams play because they are exciting to watch (Chargers, Colts). Then either or Indy or the Chargers completely screws things up and you stop caring because they aren’t flashy anymore. This is what the Suns have done, and it sucks for the NBA and its fans.

Completely switching gears here, but hey, what’s new, did yall see what Tig did in Dubai this weekend? Many people probably saw that he won, but did you see how? On Sunday, Woods shot a 7 under 65, including birdying 6 of the final 9 holes for a single shot victory. What a badass. This might be the year he just refuses to lose. This might be the year where you will come out ahead betting on Tiger over the field, for the entire year. Tigerbot is en fuego, and if I’d be terrified if I had to face him in ’08.

Last, and unfortunately least, is our good friend Ryan “Pett” Pettinella. Pett, Pett, Pett, you just can’t kept your body off the opposition. When we last left our hero, he had fallen into a hole, increasing his deficit for the season by having 5 more fouls than points. When I first checked the box score against Va Tech (we will not speak of that blasphemous result), it looked promising, as the big man miraculously made two shots and had 4 points. Surely he could at least tie for the night in 15 minutes of work? Not so my friends. Pett fouled out to continue this now tragic Oceanliner original feature, and has fallen to minus 6 for the season. This is becoming a Shakepsearean play, where you know it’s going to turn out terribly, but you watch it until the very end anyway.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. The Super Bowl party was a resounding success and I thank everyone that made it. I hope everyone out there had a super Sunday as well, it was an amazing game to watch. One of the reasons I love sports so much is because no matter how many times I see it, David Tyree’s catch will always, and I mean always, be absorutery, unberievabry amazingry awesome. It, like all other crazy plays like it, never ever get old. It just cannot be duplicated in real life. If it happened in a movie, it would suck because no one would believe it. But it’s real and it will always be awesome. Anyway, I’m getting pumped about Dook-Carolina tonight, where I hope something as nuts happens to add to the best rivalry in sports. Until next time friends, as always, stay safe, keep it real and don’t resemble life too much.