Nobody’s harder on Peter King than the Oceanliner, so you know it must be something impressive for me to compliment him. But like I have said many times, even about people I generally don’t like, you have to give credit where credit is due. And with respect to the NFL Draft, King absolutely freakin nailed it in his Mock that came out last Thursday in Sports Illustrated. I didn’t have a chance to look at his Mock Draft until the Tuesday after the weekend, and was shocked at how accurate it was considering a) he’s Peter King and 2) what a crapshoot predicting the draft is. King’s prognostication of the top 15 is especially impressive. Let’s take a look at the results, starting with the Top 5:
King’s Top 5 (actual pick in parentheses)
Matt Stafford (Stafford)
Jason Smith (Smith)
Tyson Jackson (Jackson)
Dirty Sanchez (Curry)
Aaron Curry (Sanchez)
King nailed the top 3, and flip-flopped 4 and 5. The Jackson pick was his best call, especially since he wrote this on Tuesday and I didn’t hear the Jackson-at-3-to-the-Chiefs hype until much later in the week. He also gets some credit for the Stafford pick, because the Lions didn’t sign him until Friday, and again, King wrote this on Tuesday. Moving Sanchez and Jackson into the top 5 was gutsy, but he was right about both (even though he had Seattle taking Sanchez).
King’s 6-10
BJ Raji (Andre Smith)
Jeremy Maclin (Darius Heyward-Bey)
Eugene Monroe (Monroe)
Andre Smith (Raji)
Mchael Crabtree (Crabtree)
King pinned two of these tails right on the donkey, and had Raji and Smith flipped. He was the only person I saw that had Crabtree falling all the way to the 49ers at 10 (which I am ecstatic about, by the way). The best pick here was King accurately predicting that the Raiders would pass on the slower Crabtree and go after a speed demon wide receiver with the 7th pick, noting “longball loving Al Davis usually looks for speed at the wideout position.” He just picked the wrong one, and honestly, no one had Heyward-Bey in the top 20, much less the top 10. Incredibly, King picked 9 of the players drafted in the top 10 (with 5 dead on, 2 one away and two flipped that were 3 away), which again is insane considering how much bullshit NFL teams sling before the draft.
King’s 11-15
Aaron Maybin (Maybin)
Brian Orakpo (Knoshon Moreno)
Robert Ayers (Orakpo)
Malcolm Jenkins (Jenkins)
Brian Cushing (Cushing)
Being this accurate this far down in a Mock Draft is astonishing: 3 dead on picks and 1 one off. At 13 we see King’s “worst” showing of the day so far, but Ayers still went 5 picks later at 18. King not only nailed which of the 3 USC linebackers would go first, but got the exact pick and team right. He also tabbed the order of all 3 Trojan ‘backers correctly, saying it would be Cushing then Mathews then Maualuga, which it was.
Other good first round calls were the Bucs taking Josh Freeman, only being 1 pick off on how far Percy Harvin would drop, and having Everette Brown falling out of the first round altogether (I saw some drafts with Brown in the top 10).
King didn’t get any picks from 16 to 32 exactly right, but did have 10 of those players going somewhere in that range. All in all, King was a stellar 26 of 32 in picking first round talent, and all 6 guys he was wrong about in the first round went in the top half of the second. An amazing performance all around. Peter King, the Oceanliner salutes you, even if just for a week.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go listen to some Sugar Ray on Fresh FM.
April 29, 2009
April 22, 2009
Slick John
Oh herro.
John Calipari is one slick mother. Or we can just call him an opportunist. SI.com ran a great article detailing how the college choices of 6 of the top 50 ranked high school seniors changed when Slicky McSlickerson left Memphis for the bluer pastures of Kentucky. To go over a little rep tape, when a recruit signs a letter of intent to a school, he is bound to go there. Over the last decade, many players have inserted clauses into their LOI’s that state if the coach that recruited them left the school (for whatever reason), they would be granted a release from their letter of intent and be free to sing with any other school with no penalty.
Now I always thought this was for the player’s benefit, so they wouldn’t be stuck going to a program to play for a coach they didn’t know, especially if the previous coach was fired. Turns out Slick John has used this clause for the coach’s advantage. Xavier Henry is one of the most highly recruited players in this year’s class, and had signed to play for Memphis. Once Calipari left though, Henry got his release from Memphis because of the clause in his LOI. Here is Henry himself on what happened:
"I didn't have the idea to put the [clause] in there," Henry said. "Coach Cal did it for me.”
Calipari put the clause into his own recruits’ letters of intent, so if he ever bolted for a better job, he could bring them with him! Now that’s just a good coach who understands the rules. It didn’t work out totally for Slick John, because reports today say Henry is headed to Kansas. But it did work with highly touted center DeMarcus Cousins, who is now headed to UK. A great move by a great coach. I don’t want hear anything about loyalty either. You look out for number 1.
A huge injustice has happened in the world of DC radio. My solid number 2 radio station just changed formats, and the new guys are absolutely killing me. The old format of 94.7 was classic rock. It was never amazing because they overplayed lots of songs (More Than a Feeling, Stairway to Heaven, Carry on My Wayward Son), but it was a solid go-to station, as they would never play anything god awful. The same is not true for the new format, Fresh FM. First of all, what a horrible name for a station. Then they had the gall to run commercials that say something like this:
“We know you were tired of hearing all those old, boring, classic rock songs. So we decided to change it up, and bring you only today’s freshest music.”
OK, thinks the Oceanliner, another terrible pop top 40 station. But directly after the preceding commercial, Fresh FM starts playing (and I’m not kidding) Genie in a Bottle by Christina Aguilera. I was absolutely stunned. First they take a station out of my rotation. Then they make fun of the old format (which they are clearly worse than), declare only to play today’s freshest music (whatever that ever means)…and then play Genie in a Bottle, which is 1) horrible and 2) came out in 1999. Is this bizarre world or what?
It hasn’t gotten any better either. Fresh FM has subsequently played Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby (1996), Ace of Base’s I Saw the Sign AND Don’t Turn Around (1993!), Bittersweet Symphony (1997), Creed’s With Arms Wide Open (Creed may be the worst band ever, me thinks worse than even Nickelback and Maroon 5), Marc Anthony, Nickelback, and Maroon 5. Today’s freshest music my ass. It’s either old, terrible, or both. This is a travesty, a sham, and a mockery. It’s a traveshamockery.
PS – I always thought that Ace of Base was a group of young, black female singers, ala TLC. When looking up what year I Saw the Sign came out, I see that they are really white, Swedish, and coed. I was waaaaay off. I was in Spain at the time. Is that a valid excuse?
If yall are going to be at Foxfield this weekend, give me a holler. Until then, stay safe, keep it real and don’t miss the horses.
John Calipari is one slick mother. Or we can just call him an opportunist. SI.com ran a great article detailing how the college choices of 6 of the top 50 ranked high school seniors changed when Slicky McSlickerson left Memphis for the bluer pastures of Kentucky. To go over a little rep tape, when a recruit signs a letter of intent to a school, he is bound to go there. Over the last decade, many players have inserted clauses into their LOI’s that state if the coach that recruited them left the school (for whatever reason), they would be granted a release from their letter of intent and be free to sing with any other school with no penalty.
Now I always thought this was for the player’s benefit, so they wouldn’t be stuck going to a program to play for a coach they didn’t know, especially if the previous coach was fired. Turns out Slick John has used this clause for the coach’s advantage. Xavier Henry is one of the most highly recruited players in this year’s class, and had signed to play for Memphis. Once Calipari left though, Henry got his release from Memphis because of the clause in his LOI. Here is Henry himself on what happened:
"I didn't have the idea to put the [clause] in there," Henry said. "Coach Cal did it for me.”
Calipari put the clause into his own recruits’ letters of intent, so if he ever bolted for a better job, he could bring them with him! Now that’s just a good coach who understands the rules. It didn’t work out totally for Slick John, because reports today say Henry is headed to Kansas. But it did work with highly touted center DeMarcus Cousins, who is now headed to UK. A great move by a great coach. I don’t want hear anything about loyalty either. You look out for number 1.
A huge injustice has happened in the world of DC radio. My solid number 2 radio station just changed formats, and the new guys are absolutely killing me. The old format of 94.7 was classic rock. It was never amazing because they overplayed lots of songs (More Than a Feeling, Stairway to Heaven, Carry on My Wayward Son), but it was a solid go-to station, as they would never play anything god awful. The same is not true for the new format, Fresh FM. First of all, what a horrible name for a station. Then they had the gall to run commercials that say something like this:
“We know you were tired of hearing all those old, boring, classic rock songs. So we decided to change it up, and bring you only today’s freshest music.”
OK, thinks the Oceanliner, another terrible pop top 40 station. But directly after the preceding commercial, Fresh FM starts playing (and I’m not kidding) Genie in a Bottle by Christina Aguilera. I was absolutely stunned. First they take a station out of my rotation. Then they make fun of the old format (which they are clearly worse than), declare only to play today’s freshest music (whatever that ever means)…and then play Genie in a Bottle, which is 1) horrible and 2) came out in 1999. Is this bizarre world or what?
It hasn’t gotten any better either. Fresh FM has subsequently played Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby (1996), Ace of Base’s I Saw the Sign AND Don’t Turn Around (1993!), Bittersweet Symphony (1997), Creed’s With Arms Wide Open (Creed may be the worst band ever, me thinks worse than even Nickelback and Maroon 5), Marc Anthony, Nickelback, and Maroon 5. Today’s freshest music my ass. It’s either old, terrible, or both. This is a travesty, a sham, and a mockery. It’s a traveshamockery.
PS – I always thought that Ace of Base was a group of young, black female singers, ala TLC. When looking up what year I Saw the Sign came out, I see that they are really white, Swedish, and coed. I was waaaaay off. I was in Spain at the time. Is that a valid excuse?
If yall are going to be at Foxfield this weekend, give me a holler. Until then, stay safe, keep it real and don’t miss the horses.
April 01, 2009
Celebration
It’s a great time of year folks; time to celebrate awkwardly like Tiger Woods and his caddy after another ridiculous win. While it’s clear that Tig has not lost a step with his golf game, it continues to amaze me that he and his caddy continue to be so uncoordinated in their celebrations. Tiger by himself has excellent post-dagger-putt-making reactions, including the “point the ball into the hole while walking towards it”, the “slamming the hat on the green”, the “I’m so good its not even funny smile, laugh and shake of the head” (this is his bunker hole-out specialty) and of course, the “Finish Him” Mortal Combat, upper-cut fist pump that punctuates many of Tiger’s victories.
When it comes to a duo though, Tiger and Stevie Williams are woefully bad. They are always on the wrong page. It normally comes down to a couple of scenarios. First, they just completely miss when trying to give each other a high five. Always awkward. Second, one of them tries to do a high five while the other is leaning in for a hug. Even more awkward. Third, and worst of all, they miss on their attempted high five, and the momentum carries them forward into an awkward hug. This was never more evident than when Tiger holed that ridiculous chip shot on 16 at Augusta, where the ball hung on the lip of the whole for a couple seconds. If you want to see it, follow this link to You Tube. The shot and the celebration are well worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qkBFGpNPC0
This shouldn’t be a hard concept to master, especially someone of Tiger’s stature. Football and basketball players do that thing now where two of them jump up at the same time and bump shoulders in mid air. That’s pretty cool. It would be sweet if Tiger and Williams practiced that number. Woods has already revolutionized the fitness training among professional golfers. Taking it’s celebrations to the next level only seems logical. Then we wouldn’t have to deal with Phil Mickelson’s 2 inch vertical leap after his Masters win or Rich Beem’s pathetic shimmy after winning the 2002 PGA Championship.
It’s time to celebrate because it’s a great time of year: the Final Four, Fish’s bachelor party, Easter, the Masters, the NBA playoffs, warm weather, the NFL Draft, Fish’s wedding, and Foxfield all happen within the next month. I smell happiness.
Here are some things not worth celebrating, however:
NCAA Management
These money grubbing losers are such greedy sellouts its makes me sick. I was watching a press conference after one of the Elite 8 games this weekend and the NCAA douchebag moderating the event made all of the reporters address the players as “student-athletes”. What a complete joke. The NCAA makes billions of dollars from these “student-athletes” by holding the National Championship over a 3 week span, guaranteeing that the Final Fours teams don’t go to class for that whole time. Uconn left on Wednesday for their Saturday night game in Detroit. They must have left on Monday or Tuesday for their first and second weekend games that were on Thursdays. That’s 3 straight weeks of missed class, which the NCAA clearly knows, and they have the gall to make the reporters call the players “student-athletes”. Disgusting.
Jay Cutler
I brought this up in my last post, but I hate Cutler even more now. At first he was just being a baby and throwing a temper tantrum about being mentioned in trade talks; now he’s just a total ass bag. The Broncos have announced that they are going to try and trade Cutler in part because the Broncos owner, and I quote from ESPN.com, “has been unable to get Cutler to call him back during the past 10 days.” It’s one thing to have a disagreement with your head coach, which is what happened between Cutler and new coach Josh McDaniels. But when the owner of your company calls you, a person who invested a first round draft pick in you and is personally paying your 6-year, $48 million contract, you better call him back, or else you are just a spineless dipshit. Which is exactly what Cutler is. I will never root for him ever again, and hope he fails in every opportunity he has in professional football. I indirectly hate Bus Cook now too, the agent who represents Cutler and the former agent of one Brett Favre. If it looks like a rat and stinks like a rat, it’s Jay Cutler.
Tony Bennett
The new UVa basketball coach will hopefully be worth celebrating, but his name is not. It’s like Michael Bolton’s classic line from Office Space, “Why should I change my name? He’s the one who sucks.” Unfortunately, Bennett will be rolled on by every opposing fan base in the ACC, and even the Virginia faithful if he is not successful. You would think a guy named Tony Bennett would start going by Anthony, or Tone. Tone Bennett, now that sounds hardass. I hope he has thick skin.
Like I said, it’s time to celebrate, my friends. It’s springtime and I’ve got my horse shoes setup in my back yard. Life could be worse. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and…damnit! We missed the high five again.
When it comes to a duo though, Tiger and Stevie Williams are woefully bad. They are always on the wrong page. It normally comes down to a couple of scenarios. First, they just completely miss when trying to give each other a high five. Always awkward. Second, one of them tries to do a high five while the other is leaning in for a hug. Even more awkward. Third, and worst of all, they miss on their attempted high five, and the momentum carries them forward into an awkward hug. This was never more evident than when Tiger holed that ridiculous chip shot on 16 at Augusta, where the ball hung on the lip of the whole for a couple seconds. If you want to see it, follow this link to You Tube. The shot and the celebration are well worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qkBFGpNPC0
This shouldn’t be a hard concept to master, especially someone of Tiger’s stature. Football and basketball players do that thing now where two of them jump up at the same time and bump shoulders in mid air. That’s pretty cool. It would be sweet if Tiger and Williams practiced that number. Woods has already revolutionized the fitness training among professional golfers. Taking it’s celebrations to the next level only seems logical. Then we wouldn’t have to deal with Phil Mickelson’s 2 inch vertical leap after his Masters win or Rich Beem’s pathetic shimmy after winning the 2002 PGA Championship.
It’s time to celebrate because it’s a great time of year: the Final Four, Fish’s bachelor party, Easter, the Masters, the NBA playoffs, warm weather, the NFL Draft, Fish’s wedding, and Foxfield all happen within the next month. I smell happiness.
Here are some things not worth celebrating, however:
NCAA Management
These money grubbing losers are such greedy sellouts its makes me sick. I was watching a press conference after one of the Elite 8 games this weekend and the NCAA douchebag moderating the event made all of the reporters address the players as “student-athletes”. What a complete joke. The NCAA makes billions of dollars from these “student-athletes” by holding the National Championship over a 3 week span, guaranteeing that the Final Fours teams don’t go to class for that whole time. Uconn left on Wednesday for their Saturday night game in Detroit. They must have left on Monday or Tuesday for their first and second weekend games that were on Thursdays. That’s 3 straight weeks of missed class, which the NCAA clearly knows, and they have the gall to make the reporters call the players “student-athletes”. Disgusting.
Jay Cutler
I brought this up in my last post, but I hate Cutler even more now. At first he was just being a baby and throwing a temper tantrum about being mentioned in trade talks; now he’s just a total ass bag. The Broncos have announced that they are going to try and trade Cutler in part because the Broncos owner, and I quote from ESPN.com, “has been unable to get Cutler to call him back during the past 10 days.” It’s one thing to have a disagreement with your head coach, which is what happened between Cutler and new coach Josh McDaniels. But when the owner of your company calls you, a person who invested a first round draft pick in you and is personally paying your 6-year, $48 million contract, you better call him back, or else you are just a spineless dipshit. Which is exactly what Cutler is. I will never root for him ever again, and hope he fails in every opportunity he has in professional football. I indirectly hate Bus Cook now too, the agent who represents Cutler and the former agent of one Brett Favre. If it looks like a rat and stinks like a rat, it’s Jay Cutler.
Tony Bennett
The new UVa basketball coach will hopefully be worth celebrating, but his name is not. It’s like Michael Bolton’s classic line from Office Space, “Why should I change my name? He’s the one who sucks.” Unfortunately, Bennett will be rolled on by every opposing fan base in the ACC, and even the Virginia faithful if he is not successful. You would think a guy named Tony Bennett would start going by Anthony, or Tone. Tone Bennett, now that sounds hardass. I hope he has thick skin.
Like I said, it’s time to celebrate, my friends. It’s springtime and I’ve got my horse shoes setup in my back yard. Life could be worse. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and…damnit! We missed the high five again.
March 17, 2009
Bid Sniping
Mississippi State hunkers down and aims its assault rifle down at the target, the SEC Tournament championship trophy, which is wandering naively through Blood Gulch below, with no clue what is about to hit it. Out on the west coast, Southern Cal is doing the same thing, though in its sights instead is the Pac 10 tournament title, wandering like a stray doe through Battle Creek. Later that day, Temple stalks the barren Sidewinder terrain before turning the corner, where it sees the Atlantic 10 automatic bid walking in the other direction. A wide grin spreads across Temple’s face, as it slowly raises its weapon, zooms in for a head shot, and calmly snipes the bid. Meanwhile, on the other side of their respective maps, Davidson, Saint Mary’s and Penn State run around aimlessly and shooting into the air wildly, unable to locate their prize.
The Bulldogs, Trojans and Owls all made it to the Big Dance by winning their conference tournaments and securing an automatic bid. The Oceanliner was constantly annoyed during Conference Tournament week when talking heads kept saying how so-and-so “stole a bid” from another team by winning their conference title. I say bullshit. The teams that won their conference tournaments that would not have made March Madness otherwise (Miss St, USC, Temple and others) did not steal anything; they went out and took their bids rightfully. If you steal something and people find out, you have to give it back. Conference tournament winners do it in broad daylight, and it will be theirs forever. So let’s end this “bid stealing” garbage. Davidson and the like didn’t have anything stolen from them; they had just as much of an opportunity to go out bid hunting in their conference tournaments. They could have gone Halo-style and sniped a bid, but they didn’t. So let me be the first to congratulate the Temple’s of the world who went bid sniping over the past two weeks. They’ve earned it.
One team that emphatically did NOT snipe a bid is Virginia. Not only that, we sniped our coach too, as Dave Leitao “resigned” on Monday. Leitao was obviously forced out of the job, as he got a $2.1 million dollar severance package as part of the deal. No coach that actually quits out of the blue walks away with a buyout. I don’t know why athletic department insist on having their coaches “resign”, when it is obvious that they were forced out. Everyone knows what’s going on.
This concludes a sports year which saw the Cavaliers finish in 11th place in the ACC in both football and basketball. It is safe to say that this is one of the worst years in Virginia’s history with regards to the two revenue sports, if not the absolute worst. The two programs went a combined 7-17 against their ACC counterparts in 2008-2009. At least the basketball team beat 12th place Georgia Tech, even if it was by only 4 points and in overtime. The football team cannot say they same, as they got annihilated by 12th place Duke 31-3. Truly abysmal.
This got me thinking a terrifying question: Did the Wahoos have the worst football-basketball conference finish in the country? Nervously, I scanned the BCS conference standings for both football and basketball, hoping that some pathetic loser could eclipse 2 second to last place finishes. Fortunately for the Cavs, such a loser presented themselves: Indiana. It’s hard to comprehend considering their basketball tradition, but the Hoosiers managed to finish dead last in the Big 10 (11 teams) in both football AND basketball. Incredibly, they managed only 1 conference win in each sport, and went a combined 2-24 in Big 10 play. Capital WOOF. Thankfully, IU narrowly beats out UVa for this year’s inaugural Worst Combined Finish in Revenue Sports “Award”.
There were two other BCS teams that managed to tie the Cavaliers in terms of revenue sports ineptitude. Iowa State finished dead last in the Big 12 in football, but managed to scrape out a 10th place finish in basketball. This ties Virginia’s 11th place average finish in the ACC. There were also Gutie’s beloved Razorbacks, who finished last in the SEC in basketball and tied for last in football. This last place tie in football however was with 3 other teams, so you could say Arkansas tied for 9th in football. Still, it’s not saying much. This earns Arkansas a tie with Virginia and Iowa State for sloppy seconds. But remember, it took Arkansas a miracle 22-yard touchdown catch on 4th down with 22 seconds left by a wide receiver nicknamed “Old Brick Hands” to beat LSU in its final game. Save that play, Arkansas would have joined Indiana as cellar dwellers for both football and basketball. I would have even given the Razor Pigs the gold too, as they would have done it in a 12 team conference to Indiana’s 11. Woooooo Pig Soooey!
I can’t add much March Madness analysis that hasn’t already been said.
But here’s my Final Four if you care: Memphis, Michigan State, Pitt and Oklahoma, with the Sooners beating the Tigers for the title. I believe in the Terminator.
Two lines from Peter King’s column this week that make you want to punch him:
“I think the Patriots are going to have to work on their heart and soul this off-season.”
I thought heart and soul were intangibles that you either had or you didn’t, not something you can work on. Is King telling the Patriots that they have to develop skills that are innate thus impossible to acquire?
Moron.
“I thought I was going to miss Starbucks on this move, because the nearest Starbucks is six to eight blocks away..”
NOOOOOOOO! Not six to *gasp* eight blocks away! Are you crazy???? How would he ever get to it???? That would be at least a 10-minute walk!
Lazy chump.
Jay Cutler is such a baby
Cutler is angry because his new coach won’t tell him that he will never be traded, so what does he do? Demand a trade. Cutler can’t get it through his thick skull that no one in the NFL (or any sport for that matter) is un-tradable. If a team offered the Vikings their every first round pick for the next decade for Adrian Peterson, they would take it in a heartbeat. I used to like Jay Cutler, now he’s just another douche. Oh, this is interesting; Cutler’s agent is Bus Cook…the same guy who represented uber douche Brett Favre. Coincidence? I think not.
The Bulldogs, Trojans and Owls all made it to the Big Dance by winning their conference tournaments and securing an automatic bid. The Oceanliner was constantly annoyed during Conference Tournament week when talking heads kept saying how so-and-so “stole a bid” from another team by winning their conference title. I say bullshit. The teams that won their conference tournaments that would not have made March Madness otherwise (Miss St, USC, Temple and others) did not steal anything; they went out and took their bids rightfully. If you steal something and people find out, you have to give it back. Conference tournament winners do it in broad daylight, and it will be theirs forever. So let’s end this “bid stealing” garbage. Davidson and the like didn’t have anything stolen from them; they had just as much of an opportunity to go out bid hunting in their conference tournaments. They could have gone Halo-style and sniped a bid, but they didn’t. So let me be the first to congratulate the Temple’s of the world who went bid sniping over the past two weeks. They’ve earned it.
One team that emphatically did NOT snipe a bid is Virginia. Not only that, we sniped our coach too, as Dave Leitao “resigned” on Monday. Leitao was obviously forced out of the job, as he got a $2.1 million dollar severance package as part of the deal. No coach that actually quits out of the blue walks away with a buyout. I don’t know why athletic department insist on having their coaches “resign”, when it is obvious that they were forced out. Everyone knows what’s going on.
This concludes a sports year which saw the Cavaliers finish in 11th place in the ACC in both football and basketball. It is safe to say that this is one of the worst years in Virginia’s history with regards to the two revenue sports, if not the absolute worst. The two programs went a combined 7-17 against their ACC counterparts in 2008-2009. At least the basketball team beat 12th place Georgia Tech, even if it was by only 4 points and in overtime. The football team cannot say they same, as they got annihilated by 12th place Duke 31-3. Truly abysmal.
This got me thinking a terrifying question: Did the Wahoos have the worst football-basketball conference finish in the country? Nervously, I scanned the BCS conference standings for both football and basketball, hoping that some pathetic loser could eclipse 2 second to last place finishes. Fortunately for the Cavs, such a loser presented themselves: Indiana. It’s hard to comprehend considering their basketball tradition, but the Hoosiers managed to finish dead last in the Big 10 (11 teams) in both football AND basketball. Incredibly, they managed only 1 conference win in each sport, and went a combined 2-24 in Big 10 play. Capital WOOF. Thankfully, IU narrowly beats out UVa for this year’s inaugural Worst Combined Finish in Revenue Sports “Award”.
There were two other BCS teams that managed to tie the Cavaliers in terms of revenue sports ineptitude. Iowa State finished dead last in the Big 12 in football, but managed to scrape out a 10th place finish in basketball. This ties Virginia’s 11th place average finish in the ACC. There were also Gutie’s beloved Razorbacks, who finished last in the SEC in basketball and tied for last in football. This last place tie in football however was with 3 other teams, so you could say Arkansas tied for 9th in football. Still, it’s not saying much. This earns Arkansas a tie with Virginia and Iowa State for sloppy seconds. But remember, it took Arkansas a miracle 22-yard touchdown catch on 4th down with 22 seconds left by a wide receiver nicknamed “Old Brick Hands” to beat LSU in its final game. Save that play, Arkansas would have joined Indiana as cellar dwellers for both football and basketball. I would have even given the Razor Pigs the gold too, as they would have done it in a 12 team conference to Indiana’s 11. Woooooo Pig Soooey!
I can’t add much March Madness analysis that hasn’t already been said.
But here’s my Final Four if you care: Memphis, Michigan State, Pitt and Oklahoma, with the Sooners beating the Tigers for the title. I believe in the Terminator.
Two lines from Peter King’s column this week that make you want to punch him:
“I think the Patriots are going to have to work on their heart and soul this off-season.”
I thought heart and soul were intangibles that you either had or you didn’t, not something you can work on. Is King telling the Patriots that they have to develop skills that are innate thus impossible to acquire?
Moron.
“I thought I was going to miss Starbucks on this move, because the nearest Starbucks is six to eight blocks away..”
NOOOOOOOO! Not six to *gasp* eight blocks away! Are you crazy???? How would he ever get to it???? That would be at least a 10-minute walk!
Lazy chump.
Jay Cutler is such a baby
Cutler is angry because his new coach won’t tell him that he will never be traded, so what does he do? Demand a trade. Cutler can’t get it through his thick skull that no one in the NFL (or any sport for that matter) is un-tradable. If a team offered the Vikings their every first round pick for the next decade for Adrian Peterson, they would take it in a heartbeat. I used to like Jay Cutler, now he’s just another douche. Oh, this is interesting; Cutler’s agent is Bus Cook…the same guy who represented uber douche Brett Favre. Coincidence? I think not.
Picture 5 Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Coach just put me in timeout. Waaaaaaaahhhhh!
So Austin and I went to the Newseum this weekend. It is, like the name suggest, a museum about news, “where five centuries of news history meets up-to-the-second technology on America’s Main Street.” I know it sounds weird and is hard to describe, but it was actually really cool. One station allowed you to film a fake newscast with a green screen in the background. You could pick a backdrop (Capitol, Washington monument, cherry blossoms, etc.) and a teleprompter would scroll through your lines. I leave you this week with the broadcast I did at the Newseum, where I also added my own little flare to the scripted lines. Enjoy this breaking news. You stay classy San Diego.
March 11, 2009
I'm Back; Hide the Women and Children
Well, well, it’s good to be back. Sorry for that little hiatus there, I was just very lazy. That, and I’ve been playing too much Lord of the Rings Risk with Schling and Kyle. You are probably wondering if I am referring to a Lord of the Rings version of the classic board game Risk. You would be correct. You are now probably wondering if this makes me a huge loser. You would also be correct. A huge loser that loves playing LOTR Risk. Game is freaking sweet. If I can only hold Minas Tirith for one more turn…
Anyhoooo, this past Sunday featured one of my favorite days of the year: the Duke-Carolina basketball game. Besides the awesome result, did anyone noticed the abundance of Reggie Cleveland All-Stars on the court? To borrow from Bill Simmons, Reggie Cleveland All-Stars are athletes whose names make them sound like a person of a different race (e.g., Reggie Cleveland was a white pitcher; Patrick O’Bryant is a black basketball player). Almost all of them were black players with white sounding names. To recap we had a Gerald (Henderson), a Nolan (Smith), a Lance (Thomas), a Larry (Drew), a Wayne (Ellington) a Ty (Lawson), and an Ed (Davis)…all black. Wayne Ellington sounds like some pompous English aristocrat to me, not a sharp shooting badass from Pennsylvania. And thankfully Ty Lawson plays basketball for Carolina and doesn’t host terrible reality shows like Ty from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Just because it’s hilarious, this is the lame Ty’s opening line from his Wikipedia page
Gary Tygert “Ty” Pennington is an American television host, model, philanthropist, and carpenter.
I wonder if he has all that printed on his business card.
“Here you go, little buddy. Have fun with that free teddy bear, but I’ve gotten run over to the job site and install some flooring in my new Sears wardrobe for Extreme Makeover: Douchebag Edition.”
I hope a lot of yall caught the Virginia regular season finale against Maryland on Saturday. The Hoos ended the season on a high note, and even though we finished 11th in the conference with only 4 wins, we protected our home court against both the Terps and the Hokies. What made the victory on Saturday even sweeter was that Mamadi Diane ended his career in fairytale fashion. This is a guy who had increased his scoring average from 6 to 10 to 12 from his freshman through his junior season. Coming into 2008-2009, Diane figured to help carry the load for an extremely young team. Instead, he absolutely fell off the face of the Earth. Leitao started cutting his minutes so much that at one point he registered 4 straight Did Not Play – Coach’s Decisions. Heading into the Maryland game, Diane had averaged only 4 points and 13 minutes per contest. In the previous game against Clemson he played only 3 minutes.
Yet something crazy happened on Senior Night at the JPJ. Maybe he felt a rush of confidence. Maybe he thought, “F-it, this is my last game, I’m gonna fire away”. Whatever it was, Diane went off on Maryland to the tune of 23 points, including 3 of 4 from long range and the game winning 3-ball with 39 seconds left. A staggering performance in his last game. Here’s Leitao’s reaction:
"I just told the team that when that 3-pointer went up the first thing I said was 'poetic justice' and two, that 'God works in mysterious ways.' There was no better way to finish off one's career and season."
Don’t overlook how improbable this was. Before Saturday, Diane had been 5 of 39 for the season from behind the arc. That’s 12.8%. Amazingly bad. Then he goes out and drops 3 outta 4 from long range…on Senior Night…including the last one to win the game? It was preposterous. Preposterously awesome.
My week wouldn’t be complete without its regular Peter King bashing. Fortunately he makes it very easy. This is how King started a paragraph in his weekly Monday Morning Quarterback garbage.
“The Kings are relocating to Boston. We've sold our home in Montclair, N.J., and moved to the South End. It's still a little stunning, even to us, because we've loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere.”
The last sentence in particular is hilarious. He states “we’ve loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere” with such authority that it might as well be a universal truth. Some things in life are certain; death, taxes and Peter King loving where he used to live more than anyone on the Earth has loved living where they do. Keep in mind that Montclair is in northeast New Jersey. I think someone saying that they have loved living in northeast Jersey more than anyone has ever loved living in the rest of the world proves what a moron they are.
I can always count on Steve Czaban for additional King bashing material. Czaban is a radio host for Fox Sports and hates King as much as I do. He summed it up nicely when talking about whether Terrell Owens should be in the Hall of Fame:
“Wait until Peter King weighs in, and then go the other way.”
My thoughts exactly.
So this is weird. Does anyone remember a sports columnist for the Cav Daily named Joe Lemire? He was a 4th year when we were 1st years, and wrote a decent column. Nothing spectacular but solid most of the time. The most I remember about him was his bright red hair. Well, apparently he had some talent. I went to SI.com the other day and his mug was staring at me in the face.
Not only was in on the Sports Illustrated website, it was a front page story. I have always ridiculed the Cav Daily (except Attention Surplus Disorder of course), so who knew someone could be something from it?
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Back to conquering Middle Earth with plastic action figures.
Anyhoooo, this past Sunday featured one of my favorite days of the year: the Duke-Carolina basketball game. Besides the awesome result, did anyone noticed the abundance of Reggie Cleveland All-Stars on the court? To borrow from Bill Simmons, Reggie Cleveland All-Stars are athletes whose names make them sound like a person of a different race (e.g., Reggie Cleveland was a white pitcher; Patrick O’Bryant is a black basketball player). Almost all of them were black players with white sounding names. To recap we had a Gerald (Henderson), a Nolan (Smith), a Lance (Thomas), a Larry (Drew), a Wayne (Ellington) a Ty (Lawson), and an Ed (Davis)…all black. Wayne Ellington sounds like some pompous English aristocrat to me, not a sharp shooting badass from Pennsylvania. And thankfully Ty Lawson plays basketball for Carolina and doesn’t host terrible reality shows like Ty from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Just because it’s hilarious, this is the lame Ty’s opening line from his Wikipedia page
Gary Tygert “Ty” Pennington is an American television host, model, philanthropist, and carpenter.
I wonder if he has all that printed on his business card.
“Here you go, little buddy. Have fun with that free teddy bear, but I’ve gotten run over to the job site and install some flooring in my new Sears wardrobe for Extreme Makeover: Douchebag Edition.”
I hope a lot of yall caught the Virginia regular season finale against Maryland on Saturday. The Hoos ended the season on a high note, and even though we finished 11th in the conference with only 4 wins, we protected our home court against both the Terps and the Hokies. What made the victory on Saturday even sweeter was that Mamadi Diane ended his career in fairytale fashion. This is a guy who had increased his scoring average from 6 to 10 to 12 from his freshman through his junior season. Coming into 2008-2009, Diane figured to help carry the load for an extremely young team. Instead, he absolutely fell off the face of the Earth. Leitao started cutting his minutes so much that at one point he registered 4 straight Did Not Play – Coach’s Decisions. Heading into the Maryland game, Diane had averaged only 4 points and 13 minutes per contest. In the previous game against Clemson he played only 3 minutes.
Yet something crazy happened on Senior Night at the JPJ. Maybe he felt a rush of confidence. Maybe he thought, “F-it, this is my last game, I’m gonna fire away”. Whatever it was, Diane went off on Maryland to the tune of 23 points, including 3 of 4 from long range and the game winning 3-ball with 39 seconds left. A staggering performance in his last game. Here’s Leitao’s reaction:
"I just told the team that when that 3-pointer went up the first thing I said was 'poetic justice' and two, that 'God works in mysterious ways.' There was no better way to finish off one's career and season."
Don’t overlook how improbable this was. Before Saturday, Diane had been 5 of 39 for the season from behind the arc. That’s 12.8%. Amazingly bad. Then he goes out and drops 3 outta 4 from long range…on Senior Night…including the last one to win the game? It was preposterous. Preposterously awesome.
My week wouldn’t be complete without its regular Peter King bashing. Fortunately he makes it very easy. This is how King started a paragraph in his weekly Monday Morning Quarterback garbage.
“The Kings are relocating to Boston. We've sold our home in Montclair, N.J., and moved to the South End. It's still a little stunning, even to us, because we've loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere.”
The last sentence in particular is hilarious. He states “we’ve loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere” with such authority that it might as well be a universal truth. Some things in life are certain; death, taxes and Peter King loving where he used to live more than anyone on the Earth has loved living where they do. Keep in mind that Montclair is in northeast New Jersey. I think someone saying that they have loved living in northeast Jersey more than anyone has ever loved living in the rest of the world proves what a moron they are.
I can always count on Steve Czaban for additional King bashing material. Czaban is a radio host for Fox Sports and hates King as much as I do. He summed it up nicely when talking about whether Terrell Owens should be in the Hall of Fame:
“Wait until Peter King weighs in, and then go the other way.”
My thoughts exactly.
So this is weird. Does anyone remember a sports columnist for the Cav Daily named Joe Lemire? He was a 4th year when we were 1st years, and wrote a decent column. Nothing spectacular but solid most of the time. The most I remember about him was his bright red hair. Well, apparently he had some talent. I went to SI.com the other day and his mug was staring at me in the face.
Not only was in on the Sports Illustrated website, it was a front page story. I have always ridiculed the Cav Daily (except Attention Surplus Disorder of course), so who knew someone could be something from it?Well, that’s it for this week folks. Back to conquering Middle Earth with plastic action figures.
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