Ribrary Courts: Under Construction

Our luxury apartment in Ribrary Courts has a balcony that overlooks the street behind our building. We have a nice view of a row of houses and Quincy Park is just visible to the right. Current Oceanliner roommate Will “Beercan” Potts was kind enough to bring up a set of patio furniture, so it is really quite homely up on the third floor. It also acts as our Phonebooth, as it is almost impossible to get cell phone reception inside our digs, but that’s another story.

Anyway, there is some sort of maintenance unit located directly below our balcony in the grass behind out building that the “management” of Ribrary Courts has tried to conceal as a rock. They have not done a good job, as it is clearly human made. What really gives it away is that they have started doing construction on this piece of equipment and dug a moat around the rectangular 3-foot high stone box and protected it with 2 orange road cones. No sign. No rope. No tape. Two orange road cones. That’ll definitely keep the hoodlums away. How does this relate to our story you may ask? Let’s get right into it.

Last week our buddy Kye came and spent a couple days in our apartment to look for a place to live in the Arlington area. It did not take him long to make up his mind that he didn’t want to live in our building. Anyway, he stayed with us for a couple of days and then left. During the day he had been using Schling’s keycard to get into the building. Well, he needed to leave the keycard somewhere because Schling was at work. So in the middle of the day I get this email from Schling:

so kye left for cville
apparently he put my card key under a traffic cone in back of the building
its in a card box apparently
he said its under the construction cone that is accessible without having to walk through the mud

Beautiful. You can pull the “leaving your keys/card in someplace witty” when it’s a house. This doesn’t fly for an apartment building. I was going to get home before Schling so I had to go check it out. And sure enough, under the closest road cone to the street, was a deck of playing cards with the Ribrary Courts key card inside.

What a terrible plan. I bet Kye felt so sneaky too. “I’ve got the perfect hiding place! A road cone on a construction site! Nobody ever moves things around, especially road cones, when things are temporary! Oh man this is so cool. Now I know what the Spy Kids feel like!”

Not only that, but when I went upstairs our door was unlocked. Kye had left our apartment free for the taking for a solid 4 hours. Awesome. But hey, you know what, everything worked out fine and we got a funny story out of it. I took a bunch of pictures of the whole thing but my computer crashed like a champ. Hopefully I’ll get them up soon.

Two more Ribrary Courts tidbits before I sign off
1) We didn’t have hot water last Friday or Monday. Sweet.
2) Remember the package counter that I described in a previous brog entry? Yeah, someone’s package had been opened and was still sitting on the ledge. That’s comforting.

Yet another Ribrary Courts adventure that had the possibility of turning out poorly but ended up just being hilarious. I feel like our luck is running out though, we might be at the end of our nine lives. I would love to hear any amusing anecdotes concerning everyone’s living conditions, so feel free to comment or send me an email. Until next time, over and out.

Bingo was his Lame-O

Whats up yall. I'm sure people have been severely dissapointed by the lack of a post in the past week. Conan joked last week about the "Conan monster", a creature that comes out in the night and dissapoints people. It's now synonymous with an Oelschlager as well. I must apologize. I was back down in the glory that is Charlottesville for our "game" against Dook and when I got back my computer decided viruses were cool and shut down. Hopefully I will be back and as sarcastic as ever before the end of the week. There will be a Ribrary Courts update, and other random hilarity. For all of you ex Wahoos out there, put it on your schedule to come back for Georgia Tech on the 22nd. The Oceanliner will again be gracing the Ville with his presence, as will Glubiak, Tyler, Eschenroeder and many more. So stay tuned, keep it real and walk it out.

The Tragedy in Laramie

Sometimes in sports, the final statistics are not telling of how the game really played out. Some competitive games turn into blowouts in the last couple of minutes. There are times where one team dominates another statistically but does not capitalize on scoring opportunities and loses. There are other occasions where the final numbers exactly reflect one team’s dominance of another. Unfortunately, this was the case with Saturday’s college football game between Wyoming and my alma mater, the University of Virginia. Final score, Wyoming 23 Virginia 3. This was the score that stunned my hazy eyes very late Saturday night. The game was not on TV at my girlfriend’s apartment during our Labor Day Weekend cookout and after that we went to the Nats game and out to Georgetown. When I finally started pouring through the box score, it told me everything I needed to know. I felt like I had watched the game, although I’m very glad I didn’t. The numbers spoke to a complete embarrassment at the hands of a Mountain West team that went 6-6 last year. So as painful as it is, let’s go through some stats that perfectly depict the Tragedy in Laramie for what it really was.

First Downs: WYO 27 UVA 5

This is just ridiculous. Completely mind-boggling. I don’t know if I’ve ever noticed a bigger disparity between first downs made between two D1-A teams. A complete jaw dropper.

Total Yards: WYO 471 UVA 110

I’m at a loss for words. This shows the ineptitude on both offense and defense. Completely pathetic. This was a top 30 defense in the country last year too.

3rd Down Efficiency: WYO 10-20 UVA 3-13

It is almost impossible to win a football game when you allow the opponent to convert on over half of their third down tries and you come in at a stellar 23%

Offensive Plays Run: WYO 89 UVA 47

I’m speechless.

Time of Possession: WYO 40:19 UVA 19:41

There’s nothing left to say. The best analysis in the world cannot describe this loss better than these final numbers. Not even Mike Patrick’s.

Here’s a quick tidbit! Wyoming hadn’t allowed less than 130 yards of total offense in a game since 1978! And that was to national power South Dakota.

I am heading down to Charlottesville this weekend for the home opener against Duke. I am 100% confident that we will win, but the sour taste of Wyoming makes it just a little bitter. But it will still be a beautiful fall day of football, and you can’t beat that. In other news, there might be a Ribary Courts update soon, so stay tuned. Until then, over and out.

O'Tasty

There are many foods in this world that go very naturally together. Peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs and cookies and milk, just to name a very unoriginal few. Chinese food and spare ribs is not one of those bread and butter combinations. (HAHAHA, you see what I did there, I threw in another example, but it flowed too, HAHAHA…haha…ha). But that seems to be the case with a local restaurant here in the DC area. One night about month or two ago my girlfriend Austin and I wanted to order in some Chinese food. Austin had gotten a bunch of junk mail that day but a Chinese menu happened to be a part of it, which was convenient. So we started looking through the menu and deciding what to order. First of all, the name of the “Chinese” restaurant was O’Tasty. Flashing warning lights should go off in your head when a Chinese restaurant is called freakin’ O’Tasty. Somehow I doubt there is a dude name Chin Meng O’Tasty who runs the place. Just a hunch. It seems much more suitable for an Irish guy to own a joint called O’Tasty. But whatever, this “Chinese” place called O’Tasty had all the normal staples of a Chinese menu: soups, lo mein, fried rice, sweet and sour dishes, beef, chicken and the like. You know, Chinese shit. But then I started seeing weird things crop up on the menu, like mozzarella sticks. And turkey burgers. If you perused the whole menu you realized what a bizarre combination of foods O’Tasty was trying to bring under one roof. So here is a list, no joke, of some of the more utterly random menu items besides normal Chinese cuisine that you can order from O’Tasty. Note: all spelling is exactly as it’s printed on the menu.
- Mozzarella Stick
- Apple Turnover
- Bar.b.q Spareribs
- Jumbo Cheeseburger Sandwiches
- Onion Rings
- Crab Cake
- Gvros
- Steak and Cheese
- Fish Sandwiches
- Boneless Spareribs
- Fried Chicken (2,3, or 4 pieces)
- Buffalo Wings
- Chicken Tenderloins
- Filet of Fish Cheese
- Turkey Burgers
- French Fries

Needless to say I was stunned. The first Chinese/Fat Ass American Food combo that I had ever seen. Austin and I ended up just ordering regular Chinese food, but always get a laugh when thinking about O’Tasty. 85% of the menu looks normal, but the remaining 15% is priceless. I leave you with the logo of O’Tasty, where a fat Chinese chef is throwing the deuce at everyone in attendance. Which is what I’m going to do now. Two fingers everyone. Have a great Labor Day Weekend. Peace.

See Spot Run

Sometimes people just don’t know when to keep their mouth shut and end up making complete fools out of themselves. This happens a lot when celebrities are asked for their opinion on a controversial issue. Some celebrities know how to give an answer that doesn’t offend anyone and is incredibly politically correct. Though boring, these people know how to protect their image. Then there are the retards that speak their mind and let the world know how much of a lunatic they are. This has especially been the case with the Michael Vick dog-fighting story. It amazes me that so many high profile people have said such stupid things, and on camera no less. So without further ado, let’s get into “Shamefully Unoriginal Material: Part Deux”.

Clinton Portis

Clinton Portis was the first to throw himself under a bridge with this gem on a local TV station:

"You want to hunt down Mike Vick over fighting some dogs? I think people should mind their own business. I know a lot of back roads that have the dog fighting if you want to go see it”

Unbelievable stupidity. Just mind boggling that he would say this on TV. It’s like he’s telling the police that they were being too nosy in investigating a crime. And not just a crime, we’re talking about a felony. Not only that, he claims to know where more felonies are taking place. Portis’ lawyer must have had a heart attack when he saw this interview. Portis basically said the equivalent of:

“You want to hunt down Mike Vick for snorting cocaine? I think people should mind their own business. I know a lot of apartments where people do lines if you want to go see it”

Unbelievable is the word that always comes to mind.

R.L. White

This is the president of the Atlanta NAACP chapter. There’s no need to even dissect this one.

"Michael Vick has received more negative press than if he had killed a human being."

Ask Rae Carruth about than one. Moron. Again, just unbelievable.

Stephon Marbury

Like Portis, Marbury went out in public and acted retarded for no apparent reason. I guess he just wanted to remind the world that he was insane.

“I think, you know, we don't say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals. You know, from what I hear, dog fighting is a sport.”

Stephon, we don’t say anything about people who shoot deer because it’s legal, you unbelievable retard. It’s like if I got caught for smoking pot and said “I think, you know, we don’t say anything about people who smoke cigarettes.” I hope Vick doesn’t take Marbury’s advice and tell the judge that he heard dog fighting was a sport. The judge would be like “Really? Because I heard it was a felony. Who’d you hear that from? My source is the law. Yeah, it’s right here. I’m holding the law right now. I’m gonna go with felony, not sport.”

Roy Jones Jr.

"They are making this so bad, but really two dogs fighting can happen in anyone's backyard or on the street. It happened in my backyard, two of my dogs fought and one died. Fighting animals don’t necessarily get mistreated. They get treated just the way I get treated."

It’s hard to dissect and process so much stupidity when it’s only packed into 4 sentences. Absolutely dumbfounding. They are saying how boxing is losing popularity, but I guess they need to show Roy Jones Jr's practices, because apparently he gets treated the same ways as these dogs, and I sure haven't seen him getting electrocuted and shot in the ring. These people should all get jobs at Library Courts.

It’s hard to believe that people say such stupid things to reporters. Vick pleaded guilty on Monday, and in honor of that, I wrote a little poem. Here goes:

See Mike Vick.
See Mike Vick Run.
See Mike Vick Run to Jail.
Run Mike Run.