Bid Sniping

Mississippi State hunkers down and aims its assault rifle down at the target, the SEC Tournament championship trophy, which is wandering naively through Blood Gulch below, with no clue what is about to hit it. Out on the west coast, Southern Cal is doing the same thing, though in its sights instead is the Pac 10 tournament title, wandering like a stray doe through Battle Creek. Later that day, Temple stalks the barren Sidewinder terrain before turning the corner, where it sees the Atlantic 10 automatic bid walking in the other direction. A wide grin spreads across Temple’s face, as it slowly raises its weapon, zooms in for a head shot, and calmly snipes the bid. Meanwhile, on the other side of their respective maps, Davidson, Saint Mary’s and Penn State run around aimlessly and shooting into the air wildly, unable to locate their prize.

The Bulldogs, Trojans and Owls all made it to the Big Dance by winning their conference tournaments and securing an automatic bid. The Oceanliner was constantly annoyed during Conference Tournament week when talking heads kept saying how so-and-so “stole a bid” from another team by winning their conference title. I say bullshit. The teams that won their conference tournaments that would not have made March Madness otherwise (Miss St, USC, Temple and others) did not steal anything; they went out and took their bids rightfully. If you steal something and people find out, you have to give it back. Conference tournament winners do it in broad daylight, and it will be theirs forever. So let’s end this “bid stealing” garbage. Davidson and the like didn’t have anything stolen from them; they had just as much of an opportunity to go out bid hunting in their conference tournaments. They could have gone Halo-style and sniped a bid, but they didn’t. So let me be the first to congratulate the Temple’s of the world who went bid sniping over the past two weeks. They’ve earned it.

One team that emphatically did NOT snipe a bid is Virginia. Not only that, we sniped our coach too, as Dave Leitao “resigned” on Monday. Leitao was obviously forced out of the job, as he got a $2.1 million dollar severance package as part of the deal. No coach that actually quits out of the blue walks away with a buyout. I don’t know why athletic department insist on having their coaches “resign”, when it is obvious that they were forced out. Everyone knows what’s going on.

This concludes a sports year which saw the Cavaliers finish in 11th place in the ACC in both football and basketball. It is safe to say that this is one of the worst years in Virginia’s history with regards to the two revenue sports, if not the absolute worst. The two programs went a combined 7-17 against their ACC counterparts in 2008-2009. At least the basketball team beat 12th place Georgia Tech, even if it was by only 4 points and in overtime. The football team cannot say they same, as they got annihilated by 12th place Duke 31-3. Truly abysmal.

This got me thinking a terrifying question: Did the Wahoos have the worst football-basketball conference finish in the country? Nervously, I scanned the BCS conference standings for both football and basketball, hoping that some pathetic loser could eclipse 2 second to last place finishes. Fortunately for the Cavs, such a loser presented themselves: Indiana. It’s hard to comprehend considering their basketball tradition, but the Hoosiers managed to finish dead last in the Big 10 (11 teams) in both football AND basketball. Incredibly, they managed only 1 conference win in each sport, and went a combined 2-24 in Big 10 play. Capital WOOF. Thankfully, IU narrowly beats out UVa for this year’s inaugural Worst Combined Finish in Revenue Sports “Award”.

There were two other BCS teams that managed to tie the Cavaliers in terms of revenue sports ineptitude. Iowa State finished dead last in the Big 12 in football, but managed to scrape out a 10th place finish in basketball. This ties Virginia’s 11th place average finish in the ACC. There were also Gutie’s beloved Razorbacks, who finished last in the SEC in basketball and tied for last in football. This last place tie in football however was with 3 other teams, so you could say Arkansas tied for 9th in football. Still, it’s not saying much. This earns Arkansas a tie with Virginia and Iowa State for sloppy seconds. But remember, it took Arkansas a miracle 22-yard touchdown catch on 4th down with 22 seconds left by a wide receiver nicknamed “Old Brick Hands” to beat LSU in its final game. Save that play, Arkansas would have joined Indiana as cellar dwellers for both football and basketball. I would have even given the Razor Pigs the gold too, as they would have done it in a 12 team conference to Indiana’s 11. Woooooo Pig Soooey!

I can’t add much March Madness analysis that hasn’t already been said.

But here’s my Final Four if you care: Memphis, Michigan State, Pitt and Oklahoma, with the Sooners beating the Tigers for the title. I believe in the Terminator.

Two lines from Peter King’s column this week that make you want to punch him:

“I think the Patriots are going to have to work on their heart and soul this off-season.”

I thought heart and soul were intangibles that you either had or you didn’t, not something you can work on. Is King telling the Patriots that they have to develop skills that are innate thus impossible to acquire?

Moron.

“I thought I was going to miss Starbucks on this move, because the nearest Starbucks is six to eight blocks away..”

NOOOOOOOO! Not six to *gasp* eight blocks away! Are you crazy???? How would he ever get to it???? That would be at least a 10-minute walk!

Lazy chump.

Jay Cutler is such a baby

Cutler is angry because his new coach won’t tell him that he will never be traded, so what does he do? Demand a trade. Cutler can’t get it through his thick skull that no one in the NFL (or any sport for that matter) is un-tradable. If a team offered the Vikings their every first round pick for the next decade for Adrian Peterson, they would take it in a heartbeat. I used to like Jay Cutler, now he’s just another douche. Oh, this is interesting; Cutler’s agent is Bus Cook…the same guy who represented uber douche Brett Favre. Coincidence? I think not.

Picture 5 Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Coach just put me in timeout. Waaaaaaaahhhhh!

So Austin and I went to the Newseum this weekend. It is, like the name suggest, a museum about news, “where five centuries of news history meets up-to-the-second technology on America’s Main Street.” I know it sounds weird and is hard to describe, but it was actually really cool. One station allowed you to film a fake newscast with a green screen in the background. You could pick a backdrop (Capitol, Washington monument, cherry blossoms, etc.) and a teleprompter would scroll through your lines. I leave you this week with the broadcast I did at the Newseum, where I also added my own little flare to the scripted lines. Enjoy this breaking news. You stay classy San Diego.

I'm Back; Hide the Women and Children

Well, well, it’s good to be back. Sorry for that little hiatus there, I was just very lazy. That, and I’ve been playing too much Lord of the Rings Risk with Schling and Kyle. You are probably wondering if I am referring to a Lord of the Rings version of the classic board game Risk. You would be correct. You are now probably wondering if this makes me a huge loser. You would also be correct. A huge loser that loves playing LOTR Risk. Game is freaking sweet. If I can only hold Minas Tirith for one more turn…

Anyhoooo, this past Sunday featured one of my favorite days of the year: the Duke-Carolina basketball game. Besides the awesome result, did anyone noticed the abundance of Reggie Cleveland All-Stars on the court? To borrow from Bill Simmons, Reggie Cleveland All-Stars are athletes whose names make them sound like a person of a different race (e.g., Reggie Cleveland was a white pitcher; Patrick O’Bryant is a black basketball player). Almost all of them were black players with white sounding names. To recap we had a Gerald (Henderson), a Nolan (Smith), a Lance (Thomas), a Larry (Drew), a Wayne (Ellington) a Ty (Lawson), and an Ed (Davis)…all black. Wayne Ellington sounds like some pompous English aristocrat to me, not a sharp shooting badass from Pennsylvania. And thankfully Ty Lawson plays basketball for Carolina and doesn’t host terrible reality shows like Ty from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Just because it’s hilarious, this is the lame Ty’s opening line from his Wikipedia page

Gary Tygert “Ty” Pennington is an American television host, model, philanthropist, and carpenter.

I wonder if he has all that printed on his business card.

“Here you go, little buddy. Have fun with that free teddy bear, but I’ve gotten run over to the job site and install some flooring in my new Sears wardrobe for Extreme Makeover: Douchebag Edition.”

I hope a lot of yall caught the Virginia regular season finale against Maryland on Saturday. The Hoos ended the season on a high note, and even though we finished 11th in the conference with only 4 wins, we protected our home court against both the Terps and the Hokies. What made the victory on Saturday even sweeter was that Mamadi Diane ended his career in fairytale fashion. This is a guy who had increased his scoring average from 6 to 10 to 12 from his freshman through his junior season. Coming into 2008-2009, Diane figured to help carry the load for an extremely young team. Instead, he absolutely fell off the face of the Earth. Leitao started cutting his minutes so much that at one point he registered 4 straight Did Not Play – Coach’s Decisions. Heading into the Maryland game, Diane had averaged only 4 points and 13 minutes per contest. In the previous game against Clemson he played only 3 minutes.

Yet something crazy happened on Senior Night at the JPJ. Maybe he felt a rush of confidence. Maybe he thought, “F-it, this is my last game, I’m gonna fire away”. Whatever it was, Diane went off on Maryland to the tune of 23 points, including 3 of 4 from long range and the game winning 3-ball with 39 seconds left. A staggering performance in his last game. Here’s Leitao’s reaction:

"I just told the team that when that 3-pointer went up the first thing I said was 'poetic justice' and two, that 'God works in mysterious ways.' There was no better way to finish off one's career and season."

Don’t overlook how improbable this was. Before Saturday, Diane had been 5 of 39 for the season from behind the arc. That’s 12.8%. Amazingly bad. Then he goes out and drops 3 outta 4 from long range…on Senior Night…including the last one to win the game? It was preposterous. Preposterously awesome.

My week wouldn’t be complete without its regular Peter King bashing. Fortunately he makes it very easy. This is how King started a paragraph in his weekly Monday Morning Quarterback garbage.

“The Kings are relocating to Boston. We've sold our home in Montclair, N.J., and moved to the South End. It's still a little stunning, even to us, because we've loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere.”

The last sentence in particular is hilarious. He states “we’ve loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere” with such authority that it might as well be a universal truth. Some things in life are certain; death, taxes and Peter King loving where he used to live more than anyone on the Earth has loved living where they do. Keep in mind that Montclair is in northeast New Jersey. I think someone saying that they have loved living in northeast Jersey more than anyone has ever loved living in the rest of the world proves what a moron they are.

I can always count on Steve Czaban for additional King bashing material. Czaban is a radio host for Fox Sports and hates King as much as I do. He summed it up nicely when talking about whether Terrell Owens should be in the Hall of Fame:

“Wait until Peter King weighs in, and then go the other way.”

My thoughts exactly.

So this is weird. Does anyone remember a sports columnist for the Cav Daily named Joe Lemire? He was a 4th year when we were 1st years, and wrote a decent column. Nothing spectacular but solid most of the time. The most I remember about him was his bright red hair. Well, apparently he had some talent. I went to SI.com the other day and his mug was staring at me in the face.
Not only was in on the Sports Illustrated website, it was a front page story. I have always ridiculed the Cav Daily (except Attention Surplus Disorder of course), so who knew someone could be something from it?

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Back to conquering Middle Earth with plastic action figures.

All-Wahoos: NBA Edition

In light of the All-UVA NFL all star team I created last week, I decided to do the same thing again, only this time for the NBA. So here it is folks, the current NBA All-Wahoos:

Sean Singletary
Roger Mason Jr.
Air Bud
Yates Knowlton
Any of the random Asians that always played at North Grounds

Ouch. Singletary and Mason are the only former Cavs currently in the league. Mason is actually doing very well this year. After starting for the Wizards last year because of Arenas being hurt, Mason earned a 2-year, $7.3 million contract from the Spurs. A lot of people questioned the move, but Mason has responded with his best year as a pro. He is averaging 12 points per game in about 30 minutes per night, but more importantly knocking down 43% of his treys, good for 12th in the NBA. He is not counted on to do much since he has Duncan, Ginobli and Parker at his side. All he needs to do is hit shots, which is exactly what he's doing. More impressively, Mason has four game winning shots on the year. Mason has put the dagger in the Clips, the Suns (a true buzzer beater on Christmas Day), the Lakers and the Celtics. That's an impressive list of take downs.

Singetary is already on his 4th team (Kings, Rockets, Suns, Bobcats) and its only his rookie year. He has averaged less than 10 minutes a game, but at least he's hanging around. Just sticking around on a roster in the NBA for a whole year shows he somewhat belongs. His best day as a pro was a 13 point, 3 rebound, 1 steal game in 20 minutes against the Cavs. Hopefully he will be in a situation where he gets more minutes next year.

After that, its bubkus. And other than possibly Sylven Landesberg 3 years from now, there are no current Cavs who will play in the NBA. So until then, it looks like Mason and Singletary will be the only Hoos holding it down in the league. That is, unless Yates wows some teams with his running, off-balance behind the back floater.

The All-Wahoos

The NFL Combine is upon us, and with that comes the talk of who is improving their stock the most for the Draft on April 25th and 26th. Once again, UVa will be well represented on the first day, with Eugene Monroe and Clint Sintim projected to go in the first two rounds. Even with sometimes mediocre performance on the field, Virginia continues to send high quality personnel to the League. That got me day dreaming about what an all-Wahoo NFL team would look like. The result is fairly impressive. To make the team better, I have included players who will likely be in the NFL next year (Monroe, Sintim, and Kevin Ogletree).

Offensive Line
D’Brickashaw Ferguson
Branden Albert
Brad Butler
Elton Brown
Eugene Monroe

Like the collegiate Cavs, offensive line would be a major strength of the All-Wahoos. The group includes 3 first round picks (Ferguson, Albert and likely Monroe) that maul the opposing team at the line of scrimmage. Brown is an excellent pulling guard who would create nice holes on pitches and screens. Butler is a dirty enforcer (just ask Mathias Kiwanuka) who ads toughness (and a white guy) to the line. Despite none of these guys having been in the NFL before 2005 (and Monroe not having played a game), the group has 106 starts between them. This young but experienced line would be a force together, especially with Heath Miller joining them at tight end.

Offensive Skill Positions
Matt Schaub
Thomas Jones
Jason Snelling
Heath Miller
Kevin Ogletree
Marques Hagans

Schaub has proven that he can be a good NFL quarterback if he can stay on the field. He looks to be injury prone though, which is why it is vital that he would have such a good offensive line protecting him. He has started in only 11 games in each of his two years in Houston, but has averaged 240 passing yards per game with a stellar 66% completion percentage and a 90 quarterback rating.

Thomas Jones would be counted on to be the workhorse of this offense, both with the stellar offensive line and deficiencies at wide receiver. He is up to the challenge however, as he showed this past year while running for 1,312 yards and 13 touchdowns while maintaining a healthy 4.5 yard average.

Jason Snelling would be the perfect bruising fullback in this offense. He is meant to hit people, not carry the load. Snelling struggled his senior year at UVa being the full time running back, but he was perfect his junior year when he paved the way for Wali Lundy. That year (2005), Snelling not only opened holes for his back, but he averaged 5.6 yards per carry as changeup in the running game with only 58 carries. He has done the same thing in Atlanta with Michael Turner, and would do the same with Jones for the All-Wahoos.

Heath Miller would be Schaub’s primary aerial target due to the lack of a good wide receiver. Because of this (and the offensive line being so good), as coach of this team I would send Miller out as a receiver much more often than he does currently in Pittsburgh. The former Mackey Award winner already has two Super Bowl rings.

Wide receiver is the glaring weakness of this team. Hagans, Ogletree and Billy McMullen would compete for time on the field, but none show much promise, except maybe Ogletree. As coach, I would mix things up by running the CatFish, with Hagans taking snaps directly from center as he can throw the ball serviceably as well as dance around in the open field. The Magician, as Doc Walker so eloquently dubbed Hagans, would have to keep opposing defenses off balance. I would also run lots of Jumbo sets, replacing a receiver with another tight end in Tom Santi (10 catches as Dallas Clark’s backup in Indy last year). The running game would be the focal point of this offense.

Defensive Line
Patrick Kearney
Chris Long
Chris Canty

The All-Wahoos would play a 3-4 base defense, both out of need and skill packages. These 3 guys up front would no doubt get pressure on the opposing quarterback, especially with the help of a solid linebacking core. We all know how dominant Long can be, both sacking the quarterback and going sideline to sideline to tackle the ball carrier. Canty has quietly become an integral part of the Cowboys defensive line, playing in all 16 games in each of his 4 years in the NFL, and starting every game for the past two seasons. Even as a d-linemen meant to eat up blocks, Canty has had between 20-30 tackles every year. He would be counted on to do the same on this team. Kerney is a monster up front, with 77.5 career sacks in 10 seasons. The two-time Pro Bowler would be a great mentor for the younger Long and Canty.

Linebackers
James Farrior
Ahmad Brooks
Daryl Blackstock
Clint Sintim

This group of linebackers is solid but not spectacular. Farrior would be to these backers like Kerney would be to the d-line, a mentor and a motivator. This role would be especially important when dealing with the uber-talented but character-challenged Brooks and Blackstock. Sintim is a beast and also an upstanding citizen, who undoubtedly listen to all of Farrior’s advice. As coach, I would let Farrior coach these guys himself. He has been a pupil of the Steelers defensive system for the past 7 years, and I would want him impact every ounce of this knowledge with the team. Also a 2-time Pro Bowler like Kerney, Farrior would be an anchor of the defense.

Secondary
Ronde Barber
Marcus Hamilton
Jamaine Winborne
Billy McMullen

This is where things get dicey. Barber is obviously a stud, being a 5-time Pro Bowler and 3-time first team All Pro (one of the two best corners in the league). The problem is, no opponent would ever throw his way because the rest of the secondary is so weak. Hamilton was a nice college player but is overmatched in the NFL. Winborne is a seldom used corner who would have to move to safety on the All-Wahoo team simply out of need. He also missed all of 2008 with injury. The last safety spot is a real stretch. McMullen is a receiver, but has had trouble catching the ball in the pros…so lets put him at safety! He just needs to get his hands on the ball there, not catch it. This team would need the front seven to put monumental pressure on the opposing quarterback to avoid the weakness of the DB’s. They are certainly capable of doing that, and Barber can pick up a lot of the slack, but this is where the team would be won or lost.

So there you have it; the Oceanliner’s All-Wahoo NFL team. I think it’s pretty solid, but have no idea how it would do against all star teams from other schools…mainly because that would be too much work. If I have not included some glaring omissions, please let me know and we will make the team better. Wahoowa.

A Wise Man Once Said

I love a good line, a witty remark, a poignant repartee, a touché salesman if you will. I like to give credit where credit it due for an insightful comment or a nice zinger. On the other hand, I find myself pouncing on people who say things that I find irrelevant, stupid or worthless. I find myself pondering this notion because this week there seemed to be more worthwhile comments that came across my eyes than normal, both on the good and the bad ends of the spectrum. So with that in mind (as well as keeping the Watchman theme going), let’s mail in a column and analyze ideas other people had.

“I especially like watching LeBron James. It’s like watching Adrian Peterson play running back, only no one is allowed to tackle him.”

This line is what started the quote-post inspiration. I read this on Deadspin, and thought it was clever, as well as dead on. What makes the image even better is the State Farm ad running right now that shows King James singing with the Cleveland Browns. Bron Bron is a freight train, and the ad showing him lining up at nearly every position on the gridiron is not that far-fetched to me. Hell, he already can play every position on a basketball court, why not football?

“Most teams, like Duke, can wear you down on the defensive end by applying constant pressure. North Carolina is one of the few teams that can wear an opponent down on the offensive side of the ball.”

This was Raycom analyst Mike Gminski, right after Carolina went on their 14-0 run in the second half to blow open the game against Dook on Wednesday night. It was such a relief to realize that Raycom had the TV rights to the Duke-Carolina game in my area, thus avoiding me having to listen to Mike Patrick and Dick Vitale, who called the game for ESPN and the rest of the country. It was so refreshing to get accurate and level headed play-by-play (from Tim Brandt) and astute color analysis (by the aforementioned Gminski) rather than they gushing infatuations of Patrick and the hysterical ramblings of Vitale. What’s amazing is that Gminski is less of a Duke homer than either Jabba or Dicky V, even though the G-man played for the Blue Devils. And not only does he keep fairly neutral, Gminski delivers the kind of insight (the quote above) that actually enhances the telecast. This is, obviously, any color man’s job, but very few seem to do it.

“The Dookies may make an Elite 8 or Final 4 run with their style of play, but they ain’t takin home the prom queen with their trigger happy style of play… At some point the 3’s will stop falling, and that’s when the Devils will lose.”

Loyal Oceanliner readers will remember this passage. I wrote this on February 29th of last year, describing why Duke would not win the Tournament in the first edition of the Eliminator. What’s eerie is that it applies 100% to this year’s team as well. Duke can beat anyone in the country when their 3’s are falling, but they have absolutely no one on the interior they can rely on. Their 5 best players are all wings (Henderson, Singler, Scheyer, Smith and Paulus). Zoubek and Lance Thomas in the middle are pedestrian at best. I think Duke would have been a title contender if Krzyzewski had gone out and gotten a stud freshman big man like Greg Monroe (Georgetown), Al-Farouq Aminu (Wake), Samardo Samuels (Louisvulle) or Ed Davis (Carolina). But as is, they will not win 6 games in a row in the Tourney relying on the 3 ball.

Speaking of Coach K…

“You know this smug fuck from all his American Express commericials, from his nasily interviews, from his passive shots at other coaches and from his retarded Polish name Krzyzewski which of course is pronounce "Che-chefski." I think the Black equivalent of Coach K's name is spelling your son's name JaTrian and pronouncing it John. Its just plain retarded.”

This had me rolling. One of my friends send this rant on Duke from the blog Ned’s Younger Brother, and it had me cracking up. Here is the full article if you enjoy Duke bashing.

“Each little snail here, Know how to wail here. That's why it's hotter, Under the water. Ya we in luck here, Down in the muck here.Under the sea!”

Yes, you read that correctly folks. Those are indeed the lyrics from Under the Sea in The Little Mermaid. I etch down those epic lines to celebrate the return of my iPod. It had not been working until I took it to the Apple store and they fixed it. It was a welcome addition back to my workout routine, and it paid off immediately. I was on the treadmill and had half a mile left, but was struggling. I needed one more song to bring me home, and like an angle in the night Under the Sea was the next song in the shuffle. Sometimes the stars align like that. Everyone who knows me well is aware of my affinity for TV and Movie Theme Songs. Hell, its one of my Facebook interests, so you know its important. Well now they are back with me after a couple month hiatus, and it is beautiful.

“Drafting the wrong quarterback is like marrying the wrong person – miserable and expensive.”

The Sporting News wrote this at the beginning of an article about whether the Lions should take Matt Stafford with the number 1 pick, and it amused me. Whatever the Lions do, they will screw it up. St. Louis must be feeling good at number two. They don’t even have to do any work. Knowing that they are picking a guy the Lions didn’t want is good enough.

“I’ll have a Makers and Coke.”

Austin and I were at the bar of a nice restaurant last Saturday when the guy next to us ordered this from the bar tender. I turned and stared incredulously and wanted to ask this brosepf how he could justify murdering such good bourbon by diluting it with Coke. Rookie.

“I’ll always enjoy his 30-second-post-garbage-bucket celebrations.”

I read this on a UVa message board a while back about Mikalauskus having to leave the program, and a tear of nostalgia ran down my cheek. The two enduring images of Lars that will always stay with me:

1) The goofy Lithuanian jersey popping and screaming “we’re number one!” after beating Arizona on the road. So awkward and unnecessary.
2) Corey Foley telling the story of being at the bar at Coupes, sitting next to Lars after we had beaten Duke on the Singletary miracle one handed floater. I’ll let Corey take it from here (or at least my best memory of what he said):

“So Lars has this busted ass brunette on his lap. He then yells at the bartender and orders a round of shots for everyone around him. For the toast he says, and I kid you not, “To the greatest basketball team in the world!” in his thick ass Eastern European accent. The shot almost came out of my nose when I heard that toast.”

Priceress. I can almost hear the Arnold-esque voice in my head.

“In a matchup between two teams fighting to escape the Big 12 basement, Colorado proved it truly deserves last place.”

A great opening line to a game recap by the AP after Colorado scored 9 (yes, 9) points against Iowa State in the first half of their basketball game on Wednesday. Amazingly, there may be worse BCS basketball teams than Virginia.

After a post filled with quotes, I leave you with one of the funniest images I have seen in a long time. My coworker informed me that Jason Cain is alive and well playing basketball in Europe. Well, it turns out that his fans in Germany are just as passionate as the Assemblage of Cain was at UVa. And I can hardly blame them. No matter how boneheaded some of his plays were, Cain always played his heart out and was fun to watch. He will always hold a soft spot in my UVa basketball heart. The image below is a tapestry that Cain’s German fans brought to one of his games. It speaks for itself. Stache 4 Life. Godspeed.