One for the Money, Two of deez nuts

So I’ve finally decided what I want to do with my life. Surprisingly, I came across this realization while walking through Bloomingdale’s with Austin. She was browsingthe trendy clothing section and complained about how she couldn’t afford any of it. I thought nay, it couldn’t be THAT expensive. So I started looking at a couple of price tags and was blown away by how bad these designers were ripping people off. Shirts with less material than a wifebeater were going for $400, tiny bags for $700 and hideous jackets for a grand. It hit me that I need to get in on this brainwashing. How hard can it be to design something normal, slap a fancy name on it, convince women that they have to have it and charge 348% too much for it? This is the business for me. Sure I don’t know anything about fashion, but other people do. I’ll hire them to design the clothes and use my people skills (?) to get deals with all the major department stores. The one thing I need to perfect is the brand name that I will sell by. John Oelschlager sounds like a brand of miner’s overalls, not a luxury women’s fashion. But by a simple twist, I believe I could have the market covered. J. Oelschlager would be my brand name. Simple, elegant and effective. An instant classic. I would even have a men’s line. The first launch would be Rugged Luxury by J. Oelschlager. It would be so easy. Now all I have to do is implement this…GUTIE! Manage my wealth so I can start J. Oelschlager. Do it.

So it’s the dog days of late February, and just like Duke at the moment, I don’t have much of my legs left, so here are my quick hit thoughts.

Has anyone taken a look at the Looney Tunes NBA standings lately? It’s comical. In the East, there are only five teams with winning records. In the West, there are nine teams that are at least 12 games over .500. Golden State, the 9^th best team in the West and looking up at the playoffs, would be the 4 seed in the East with home court advantage in the first round. Joke city.

Speaking of the NBA, I watched my first regular season game in a very long time. It was a slow night, so I decided to watch the Lakers-Suns game on Wednesday evening, pitting Shaq against his old team for the first time as a Sun. And I’ll tell you what, it was actually enjoyable. The crowd felt like a college crowd; they were living and dying with each possession and going bonkers. The players were also giving it their all, showing true effort in these current days of isos and glamour. It was very entertaining, and it might has even convinced me to tune in to the NBA playoffs come spring, at least in the West that is.

The Suns-Lakers game also provided yet another hilarious announcer unheard of analogy. Hubie “Cardiac” Brown was trying to explain how Lamar Odom is more comfortable now that he is the third best player on the team behind Kobe and Gasol instead of the pressure packed 2^nd best behind Mr. Bryant. But instead of literally saying exactly that, Brown gave this gem:

Odom is a lot more comfortable now being the third banana.

Third banana? Bananas come in twos? Or threes? I thought they came in bunches? Or single? Who knows. If anyone can explain this analogy, please let the Oceanliner know immediately.

The NBA dunk contest was this weekend, and if you didn’t watch it, you need to spend an hour watching the whole thing on YouTube. The things that these guys keep coming up with is nutso. All I know is that I want a poster of Superman Dwight Howard on my wall doing this as soon as I can get it:

Lastly, it looks like the clock is quickly approaching midnight for our friend Mr. Pettinella. He continues to be minus 5 after his puzzling0 point, 0 foul, 2 rebound game against Boston College. He only has at most 6 games left heading into tonights game against Georgia Tech, depending on how we do in the ACC Tournament. Amazingly, he only has 7 games on the season where he has more points than fouls. And he has played in 21 games. So unless he increases his abysmal rate of only 33% of games having more points than fouls, or he explodes for a 20 point night, he is pretty much doomed. Pay close attention folks, this is getting gritty.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Like I said, it’s the doldrums of February and I just don’t have it. Plus there’s not much going on in the world of sports right now, so that’s another thing. No excuses though, play like a champion. I hope everyone out there is doing well. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and roll the dice.