Get To It

Get Rich Quick: So I’ve figured out how I’m going to finance my J. Oelschlager clothing line. The funds are going to come from the invention that is going to make me rich. The money that I am going to make from my invention is going to make the Rugged Luxury sales (the first line from J. Oelschlager) look like pennies.

What is this invention you may ask? I came up with it a couple of weeks ago when Austin and I were in Virginia Beach for a wedding. It was an evening wedding, so we got to spend some quality time at the beach in the afternoon. I was covered in sun screen and ready to go, or so I thought. When I was getting ready for the ceremony, I looked down and noticed that I had missed the same spot on both ankles, and they were burned to a crisp. I mean really bad. What sucked even more is that I had to wear dress shoes for the next six hours that perfectly intersected my sunburned appendages. It was brutal. It’s so annoying when you miss a spot when putting sun screen on, I thought to myself, there must be a better way.

That’s when it hit me. I needed to invent a little hand held device that you scan your body with after putting sun tan lotion on that tells you the spots you have missed. What a life saver that would be. I would pay at least 50 bucks for something like that, maybe more. And with the way the o-zone layer is going, those missed spots are going to be costlier and costlier. So that’s how I’m going to get filthy rich and be able to start my own baller ass clothing line, J. Oelschlager. You can start looking for some Rugged Luxury at a store near you. Now I’ve only got to figure out how to invent a machine that scans your body and lets you know the spots that don’t have sun tan lotion. No biggie.

Get Outta Here: I went to lunch last week at a local Italian deli. It was steaming hot outside, clocking in around 95 degrees. The woman in front of me in line, who happened to have a really annoying nasal voice, asked what the soup of the day was. Turns out it was chili. This woman goes “Mmmm, sounds good, I’ll have a big bowl of the chili”. What a lunatic. Who orders a fat bowl of chili at lunchtime when it’s scorching hot outside? I don’t think I could have mustered the energy to turn my car on if I had wolfed down a bowl of chili during a summer lunch, much less gone back to work. Get outta here, chili woman.

Get Some Just For Men: My good friend Peter King continues to write horrible columns for both Sports Illustrated and SI.com. Check out the picture of King they run next to his articles:

What the hell is that little blond patch, Petey? You tryin to look hip? Get some Just for Men dude and stop telling us about your coffee.

Get Some Tony Robbins: I was diligently following a Red Sox-Royals game on the Internet one night a couple of weeks ago, praying that Jonathan Papelbon would get the save and help my fantasy team. So you can imagine my confusion and dismay when I saw this flash across the screen:

Fielder’s indifference? What the hell does that mean? “No, I don’t really feel like throwing this guy out right now”. Thank god Papelbon got the next batter out or I would have been really pissed at that fielder’s lack of motivation.

Get Your Wallets Out: The US Open is this weekend at Torrey Pines and Tiger Woods hasn’t played golf since getting knee surgery after the Masters. He hasn’t walked a full 18 holes since Augusta. I predict that Woods will miss the cut or withdraw from the tournament. Remember, the only time Woods has missed the cut at a major was when he took a significant amount of time off to grieve the death of his father before the 2006 US Open at Winged Foot. US Open courses are completely unforgiving, and I think a rusty and gimpy Tiger, even as good as he is, will struggle mightily this weekend in Southern California.

Get Catty: Everyone loves a good catfight. Well, make that all guys love a good catfight. Katherine Heigl, uber hot girl from Knocked Up, recently declined to be nominated for an Emmy this year for her performance on Greys Anatomy. This is her explanation: "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization". Burn! Talk about throwing the entire writing staff, producers and director under the bus. Now I’m no genius on office politics, but blasting your bosses to the media does not seem like a good idea to me. Rrrreeaaaarrrrr!

Get Shorty: In 2003, Bobby Knight declined to accept his $250,000 salary from Texas Tech because after leading the Red Raiders to a mediocre 16-11 record and commented “I don’t think I should be paid for that”. Now that’s being a true baller. Katherine Heigl biting the hand that fed her and made her famous? Busch League.

Get Down!: Mother Nature is rolling train on us right now. Cyclones, earthquakes, tornados and floods have been poppin up like hot cakes in 2008. Every time I check the news nowadays I expect to see a new volcano eruption or disastrous mudslide.

Get Out of My Face: Well, that’s it for this week folks. Summer is upon us and is it glorious. I hope everyone out there takes plenty of vacation and escapes from The Man for a week or two. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and boot em up.