Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Stat of the Week

Who Likes Steroids?

Brett Boone did, that’s who. Before the 2001 season, the diminutive second baseman had enjoyed a solid but not spectacular career as a good fielding shortstop with a decent bat. He was somewhat of a journeyman, playing for Seattle, Cincinnati, Atlanta and San Diego before coming back to the Mariners before said 2001 season. This is a player who had never hit more than 24 home runs or drove in more than 112 RBI in a season and has a career batting average of .266. In other words, nothing special. And then, “magically”, at age 32, Boone reeled off these numbers:

.331 average, 37 home runs, 141 RBI

I hope the face you are making is just as skeptical as the one plastered on my face, the one that should always accompany an unbiased review of Mr. Boone’s numbers. What a joke. This was a 5’10”, 180 pound joker of a second baseman who suddenly started hitting like Mickey Mantle at age 32. Me thinks Boone was juicing like nobody’s business.

Who Likes Steroids Even More?

Brady Anderson, that’s who. Another scrawny (6’1”, 180 lbs), scrappy fielder with a decent bat, Anderson hit between 12 and 24 home runs in a season eight times. This pretty much tells you what kind of threat he was at the plate; effective but not overpowering. Let’s briefly take a look then, at what happened in the year nineteen hundred and ninety six:

50 home runs, 110 RBI (29 more than 2nd best for his career), .297 average (.256 career)

Hilarious. It’s like his whole career was humming along right at sea level when all of a sudden he jumped to Everest for a year and then just as quickly came back down. I bet he got paranoid and was like “Man, I gotta lay off the juice. I’m Brady Anderson. There’s no way people will believe I can hit 50 bombs in a season.” Think of it this way. Anderson hit 23% of his career home runs in one season! 210 over his 15 year career. 50 alone in 1996! Preposterous.

Who Like Steroids The Most?

Well, it’s probably not Luis Gonzalez, but his Looney Tunes stats are still funny to look at. A career .284 hitter, whose second best career home run season was 31, he propelled the Diamondbacks to the 2001 World Series while jamming steroids in his ass between every inning:

.325 average, 57 home runs, 142 RBI

The 142 RBI is also 28 more than second best of his career. Oh, yeah, Gonzo was 34 when he found this little fountain of youth. The only thing funnier than looking at these stats? Knowing that Gonzalez finished 3rd in the National League MVP voting in 2001 behind…Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds. You can’t make this shit up.