Who Am I?

When did Butch Davis get replaced by a 13 year old girl as the head football coach of the North Carolina Tar Heels? I’m still trying to figure this one out after watching the pansiest set of play calls ever assembled on one football field. Maybe Davis went temporarily insane. Maybe Charlottesville makes every Carolina football team that visits forget how to tie their own shoes, evidenced by the Hoos 14 straight wins over the Tar Heels in God’s Garden. Or maybe Butch Davis really is more timid than said 13 year old girl on her first date. Whatever it was, it let the Hoos back into the game and led to one of the most exciting finishes in UVA football history. And to aid with the analysis, I’d like to play a little game.

Hi. I ordered four punts inside UVA territory. Who am I?

A) Clay Aiken
B) A 13 year old girl
C) Raggedy Ann the doll
D) Butch Davis

This was astounding. 4 early Christmas presents from good ole Butch. The last two were especially egregious. Both punts were in the third quarter, and on back to back possessions no less! The first was a 4th and 3 from the UVA 39, and seemingly 5 minutes later they booted the ball away again on 4th and 2 from the UVA 41 yard line. This is especially unbelievable considering Carolina had a running back in Shaun Draughn who would finish the day with 138 rushing yards on 4.6 yards per carry. Give him the ball! They could have iced the game on either of these possessions. Instead Davis showed absolute zero confidence in his offense and let the Cardiac Cavs linger around. Didn’t Davis see what UVA could do last year if you gave us a chance? As the punts sailed through the air, the Oceanliner laughed and said a silent prayer thanking Davis for cramping up so bad.

Moving on to door number two!

Hello. My defense allowed 168 yards and 3 points in the first 57 minutes of a football game by rushing 4 or 5 players on every snap and playing tight coverage in the secondary. Then for my opponents last drive I switched to a prevent, rushing only 3 and dropping my defensive backs into ridiculously loose and lenient coverage. They went 82 yards in 1 minute and 35 seconds and scored the game tying touchdown. Who am I?

A) Snow White
B) Yates Knowlton
C) In the Babysitters Club
D) Butch Davis

This drive was comical. Davis managed to make Matt Verica look like Joe Montana running the two-minute drill. The only thing Davis’ prevent accomplished was preventing Carolina from winning the game. On the last drive, Verica completed 7 consecutive passes. He had consecutive completions of 26, 7, 6, 16, 17, and 9 yards to get the Hoos to the Carolina two yard line. He then actually threw an incompletion, but only because you can’t run a prevent from the two yard line. I’m actually surprised Davis didn’t figure out a way to do it. This drive was hilarious because we actually left Carolina with too much time on the clock. Or so I thought…

Greetings. Coming into a football game last Saturday, my offense had averaged over 30 points per game. The game was tied and my team got the ball back with 47 seconds left at the 20 yard line. I “coach” college football, where the clock stops for a while after every first down. But instead of trying to score, I took a knee like a huge biotch and decided to go to overtime, when the momentum was clearly not on our side. Who am I?

A) A PETA activist
B) The Little Mermaid
C) That baby in the E*Trade commercial
D) Butch Davis

At this point I knew the game was ours. Davis had given up on the game and his players. The resulting overtime was awesome. I had about 10 people over at my house to watch the game and we were all going crazy. Good stuff. The win had more to do with the Cavs resilience than horrifically conservative play calling by Davis, but it didn’t help. Thanks Butchy Boy, I owe you one.

Somehow, the Hoos are now sitting in a tie for first (in the loss column) in the ACC, with monumental games coming up in the next five weeks. I for one, can’t wait, as Virginia football still means something heading into November, something I didn’t see happening when we were 1-3. Wahoowah, bitches.

I bought a single Gatorade from CVS last week and the receipt they gave me needed its own folder it was so big. I got home and measured it and the freakin thing was 35 inches long. Who the shit wants a 3 foot long receipt from a convenience store?

Insert self deprecating joke about me measuring a receipt I got.

I’m actually impressed with the Lions for their deal that sent Roy Williams to the Cowboys. Thank God they fired Matt Millen, because he never would have done something this shrewd. Williams was going to be a free agent at the end of the season, and there’s no way the Lions were going to re-sign him. So they went out and made a pretty good deal and netted some nice draft picks in return. They got a first, third, and sixth round pick for Williams and a seventh round pick. That’s a helluva haul for a really good but not awesome receiver that you were going to lose anyway. And it’s not like they were playing for anything this season.

So the silly Canadians had an election last week and elected this joker.

This dude’s hair is out of control. It looks like something they would glue on Darrell Hammond’s head before he did an SNL impression. Scary.

Washington State lost to USC 69-0 on Saturday. They have now been outscored 289-33 in their five PAC-10 losses. Woof. Count that as the most emphatic Oceanliner woof to date.

In my car over the weekend, I saw an old Asian woman walking down the street while twirling in circles. It didn’t appear she was dancing. Her arms were straight down at her sides and she was very rigid. But as she walked, she kept turning around in circles as she made her way forward. It’s a bizzaro world sometimes.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I am having a Halloween party at my house this Saturday, so come on by if you can make it. It’s a week early, but its time to get in the mood. Show up without a costume though, and we have a box of sorority girl costumes that we will dress you up in. Seriously. Anyhoo, stay safe out there. Keep it real. And Butch Davis wears panty hose.