The Frozen Tundra

Well folks, the Oceanliner and Austin recently completed our epic trip to Green Bay to watch the Packers play the Texans at Lambeau Field. And to chronicle that journey, I have decided to pull a Dylan (Dylan…Hawkins? Porter? Porter-Hawkins? Sadie-Hawkins?) and mail it in with a photo diary of the odyssey. This photo diary however, will of course include hilarious, poignant and witty commentary from yours truly.

The first step of mailing in a post is to choose the least original title possible, which as you can see, I have already done. Only a complete hack would choose “The Frozen Tundra” as the title of a post about a trip to Green Bay.

The fun began even before we got to Green Bay, as the Milwaukee airport provided some early amusing anecdotes. First was the Salvation Army bell ringer, who was dutifully doing his job…while talking on his cell phone. How annoying would it be to have a conversation with this guy while he’s ringing a little bell the whole time? I’m going with infinitely annoying. Plus this dude is taking some of the aura out of the whole bell ringing gig. One cannot help feel a twinge of sympathy in seeing a Salvation Army bell ringer standing stoically outside of a Wal-Mart in the freezing cold, ringing their bell in mime-like silence. The dude in the airport maybe could have pulled it off by standing and stone-facing walker by’s. Instead, he was sitting in a chair, yapping on his cellie and pretending like the donation jar wasn’t even there. F.

Elsewhere in the terminal, Austin and I walked past a vending machine that was selling bouquet’s of roses for the incredible bargain of $20. Here begins the photo diary with a shot of said vending machine.

Note the Solo cups of water being used as temporary vases. I’m just mad that they don’t have this thing at Reagan in DC.

“Austin! Here are you Valentine’s Day flowers! I saw these wilted, cheap, deteriorating Solo cup-held flowers in an airport vending machine, and I immediately thought of you. No need to thank me. Enjoy.”

While we are talking about airports, I would like to give a shout out to Midwest Airlines, who pass out 2 free, warm, chocolate chip cookies to every passenger on their longer flights. What a pleasant surprise that was. Delicious. (Sorry, no picture of the cookies)

Having safely arrived in Green Bay, Austin and I made our way to the luxurious Howard Johnson Plaza Hotel, only 2 miles from the stadium. Waiting for us inside the lobby of the HoJo were, and I’m not kidding, a miniature bowling alley and a 9-hole putt putt course. See for yourself:

You stay classy, Green Bay.

Since this was probably going to be the only time we ever spent in Green Bay, we figured we might as well do it right. So our choice for dinner on Saturday was of course, Brett Favre’s Steakhouse. Realizing the hilarity of this choice, I sent out the following text to some people I know would appreciate it.

I’m at Brett Favre’s steakhouse, my world is turning upside down

Within minutes, Gutie’s response came flying in through cyberspace.

Please tell me there is a menu item somehow related to interceptions

Sadly there was not. Then this from Glubiak.

If you are wearing your customized 49ers jersey, dinner is on me. You need to start a J E T S, JETS JETS JETS cheer.

Again, sadly, I was not. And lastly my personal favorite from Fish.

Ha. Where is that? Is it delicious? Did they send your steak to the wrong table to simulate an interception?

Classic. And while I can’t stand watching number 4 on TV, I have to hand it to him; he put together on helluva steak house. The local beers on draft were fantastic ( I had a Brett’s VooDoo Brew and a Spotted Cow), there were at least 7 HD flat screen TV’s in the bar/waiting area showing the Big 12 title game, and the food was first class (think Morton’s or Ruth’s Chriss). At the end of the meal, and Austin can vouch for me, I did something I have never done before and will never do again; I raised my glass and toasted Brett Favre. Not about his playing football of course, but for his contribution to the steakhouse community at large.

Brett Favre as local God note number 1: A gift shop in the Milwaukee airport was selling Favre Jets jerseys. The same shop had a hoodie for sale that had a pouch in the chest for a beer bottle. Only in Milwaukee.

Game Day. Austin and I leave the hotel at 9am for a noon kickoff. As we are driving to the stadium, we see a sign that reads “Green Bay – Pop. 102,000”. The attendance at the game is later announced at 70,000 people. Go figure.

I got the Packer tickets from my aunt and uncle, and we meet up with friends of theirs to tailgate. It is an amazing spot. The backyard where we park backs up to the stadium. This picture shows how close we were to Lambeau.

It also shows Austin looking hilarious, exposing as little skin as possible. This is a good idea because of how freaking cold it was. We later learn that kickoff temperature was 3 degrees. Three. It was not warm.

This is the fire that we hovered around for most of the tailgate to keep warm. It is also the fire that we had to roast our beers over because they had frozen in our car the night before. Our hotel room didn’t have a fridge and I though they would stay cold in the car. Well, that worked a little too well, and I’m lucky now they didn’t explode.

We met this hilarious old guy at the tailgate who was probably around 70. He had a fur hat on and I asked him what kind of animal it was. He tells me that was an otter, and that he had trapped it himself in central Wisconsin. What a hardass. He is also wearing a fur coat, that turns out to be raccoon. I was disappointed to then find out that he had not killed the raccoons himself.

We then go into the stadium, which is freaking gorgeous. The inside of the stadium is immaculate. I’m blown away at how awesome it is. It is one solid bowl of 70,000 people, with all of the luxury boxes built on top of the bowl. Here is a good shot of that.

And here is proof we made it to the game.

And here is proof on how ridiculously cold it was.

Yes that is a beer that froze, and it only took about 45 minutes. Like I said, it was not warm. The locals were even saying how cold of a game it was, and this is Green Bay standards. Yikes. But we made it through the whole game (code: Austin made it through the whole game), and it was an amazing experience.

Brett Favre as local God note number 2: You know how the media reported that Green Bay fans still loved Brett Favre, but were ready to move on with Aaron Rodgers? Completely false. Every time Rodgers didn’t make a play, the fans in our section would scream “Favre would have made that pass!” or “Favre would have run for the first!”, even if it was 3rd and 15. These comments were said half jokingly, but still, they would prefer Brett Favre.

All in all, it was an amazing trip. The stadium was incredible, the game was exciting (24-21 Texans on a field goal as time expired, and we to see Matt Schaub throw for 414 yards), the food was spectacular (on Sunday night Austin and I had a bowls of beer-cheese soup before dinner), the beers were fantastic (I think I counted having 6 local microbrews during the trip) and the people were nice. And of course, in true Murphy’s Law fashion, it snowed a couple of inches on Sunday…after the game.

Oh well. While it would have been heaven to have been at Lambeau during a snowstorm, I can’t complain one bit.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. For those of you that are interested, I have created a College Bowl Pickem group on ESPN.com. Here is the link to that game. Once you sign up, search for a group called Deke For Rhodes Scholar and join the Oceanliner and others. There is no password and no entry fee. Just pride.

Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and bundle up.

PS - I had to share this paragraph that Steve Czaban wrote about Peter King being a moron. One week after a great SI article, he comes back with this bologna. It’s like he’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in terms of print vs. online. Enjoy.

“How do you know Peter King is an idiot? He’s got Philadelphia ranked as his #6 ranked NFL team right now, ahead of the entire NFC South (Tampa Bay #7, Atlanta #9, Carolina #10). It will not shock anybody that King just happened to cover Philly’s win over a clearly distracted Giants team on Sunday. Like any mark, King is easily swayed by the last thing he saw, and by whatever he happens to cover in person. His blog at SI.com is very entertaining, in an unintentionally funny way. But it provides some of the worst NFL “analysis” of any writer who has covered the league for more than 5 minutes.”

Absolutely dead on. Priceress.