Shamefully Unoriginal Material

Having a “Quotes of the Week” post is lame. In fact it is very lame. It takes little to no creativity other than copying and pasting and saying something like “Hey check this out, some dude said something funny LOL, BRB, ROTFL!”. Yet over the past week there have been some pretty good one-liners if you will, and I least tried to add my usual sarcastic and unproductive commentary. Without further ado, let’s look at what made me laugh this week.

Hank Aaron

The Hammer had been relatively quiet about Bonds breaking his record, staying reclusive, not going to the games, and recording a video tribute that reeked of apathy. In an article I recently read though, Aaron said this about talking to Bonds about the record.

"Eventually, if I happen to see [Bonds] somewhere, I'd probably say something to him”.

Woooaaah Hank, don’t go jumping out of your seat now to meet Bonds at the door. It’s like he plans on seeing Barry as they pass each other in the grocery store and saying “Barry, what’s going on man. How’s the wife? Great. Oh yeah, I heard you broke some kind of record, congratulations. Get outta here…it was mine? I had no idea. Big gulps huh? Well, see ya later.”

The level of ignorance, apathy and indifference Aaron is showing Bonds is absolutely awesome. Bonds wants so much approval, and Aaron is giving him none.

Charlie Weis

This appeared in my last column, but I wanted to post it again because of how creepy it was. This is the Notre Dame football coach on whether Browns fans will forgive Brady Quinn for holding out of part of training camp

"I think it won't take long before they're in love with Brady Quinn," he said. "Because he's an easy guy to fall for."

*Shiver*, *Pause*, *Spine Tingle*, *Shiver*, *Pause*. Creepy. Really freakin creepy. Especially coming from the 320 pound, jumbo cream puff, gastric bypass surgery recepient Weis. Nasty.

John Daly

Quoting John Daly is like stealing candy from a baby.

"If there was 14 holes on a golf course, I would have won 17 tournaments in the last year and a half. That's the way I look at it.”

That’s the problem John. It’s not your obesity, alcoholism, erratic play, mental breakdowns, gambling addiction, marriage propensity and chain smoking. It’s that golf courses are 4 holes too long.

Pacman Jones

Again, almost too easy. Like making it rain.

"Everybody keeps saying I've been arrested six times," Jones said. "I haven't been arrested six times. I've only been arrested twice.”

And yet two paragraphs later in the same article: “Jones has been arrested six times since being drafted by the Titans in April 2005.”

It’s like if he doesn’t believe it, it didn’t happen. He’s like a little kid that’s playing hide and seek who covers his eyes and believes that if he can’t see you, you can’t see him, even though he’s hiding behind a leaf. Except Jones’ leaf is professional wrestling.

The Canadian Government

I know, very random, but be patient.

"Our government has an aggressive Arctic agenda," said Dimitri Soudas, the prime minister's spokesman.who has pledged to spend billions defending Canada's sovereignty over the Arctic. He might also announce a military training center in the arctic.

Priceless. Canada’s big world move is defending the Artctic. Imagine the unlucky Canadian soldiers who are stationed at that godforsaken base.

“Hey Charlie, pack your stuff up, we’re being transferred to the Artic”
“Get the fuck outta here Donnie. Don’t scare me like that, I haven’t had my coffee yet”
“No, seriously, the PM just announced a new training center…in the Arctic”
“You’re shitting me”
“No”
*Silence*
“Seriously?”
“Yeah”
“In the Arctic?”
“Yeah”
*Pause*
“Hey, look on the bright side. We will be so far into the Arctic Circle that during the summer we will have almost 24 hours of daylight. It’ll be a great way to work on our tans!”
*Silence*
“Shut the fuck up, Donnie.”

My Girlfriend

“She looked like a pizza?”

Austin’s response after horribly misinterpreting my comment that a “pizza face” is a person with a lot of acne.

Zing!