And My Chevy Sits on 24's

It’s time again for my weekly random thoughts about nothing in particular. I start with a hilarious Ribrary Courts update though. Current Oceanliner roommate Will “Beercan” Potts is off in Chicago for two weeks partying his ass off while under the guise of “training” for Accenture. Right before Beercan left this past Sunday though he offered this priceless gem of an anecdote.

Beercan was thirsty (probably from an exhausting session of live guitar wailing and piano mastery) and went down to the parking garage to get a soda from the vending machine. He wanted a delicious Fanta orange soda to quench his musically induced thirst and pressed the button to make sure it wasn’t sold out. $1.25 it told him. Sweet Fanta was just a touch away. But when Beercan put his money in and pressed the Fanta button, it told him the machine was sold out. Every other option of soda was also sold out until the only choice left was Diet Coke, a bitter consolation prize at best. When Beercan pressed the Diet Coke button, not one, not two, not three but four Diet Cokes shot out of the vending machine. Not only that, it spit out all his money in change in four quarters, two dimes and a nickel. Needless to say, Beercan was stunned. There was a girl in the room with him and they both burst out laughing at such an incredulous occurrence. The girl then said “That’s such bullshit. I tried to get a Diet Coke one time and the machine ate my money”. So Beercan, being the gentleman that he is, gave her one of his four sodas and returned to the apartment with 3 Diet Cokes, his original $1.25 and one unbelievably hilarious story. As we are getting used to saying here at the Oceanliner, only at Ribrary Courts. Moving on…

You should know by now that I love strange/witty/amusing/dimwitted quotes. Lets get into two I heard this past week.

“I just want them to ride or die with me. If I'm the franchise quarterback, play me and let me stumble, because I'll fight through it, and that will help me and our team in the long run. I know coaches want to win now, and I guess they have their reasons.”
- Matt Leinart

This honestly sounds straight out of Sports Pickle’s Fake Quote of the Week, and not something that Leinart would actually say. First of all, “ride or die with me”? Is he serious? Is he trying to sound hard? The Ruff Ryders have got to go kick Leinart’s ass for embarrassing one of their lyrics so badly. Secondly, how can you keep a guy as the leader of your football team who’s already written off the season??? This might be one of the more selfish quotes I’ve ever seen. Leinart wants to sacrifice this season to speed up his learning curve? What a total douche bag. “I know the coaches want to win now, and I guess they have their reasons”. Are you kidding me? Ken Whisenhunt should bench Leinart immediately until he stops sulking like a little bitch. Better yet, make him go back to California and actually take care of the son of his that he never sees. What a loser.

Now, completely switching gears of course, is a comment made by a TBS announcer during the Padres-Rockies one game playoff (Which still hasn’t ended, so I’m not sure why the Rockies moved on. They must have magic on their side. Like Oceanliner roommate Joe Schlingbaum says of the Cubs: “It’s gonna be tough to beat a team that can score without even touching home plate”. OK, that’s enough. Let’s end this ridiculously long parentheses and get back to the comment by the TBS announcer on a certain pitch).

“He threw a great lollipop curveball right there.”

I have absolutely no idea what that means. If there are any baseball purists out there that can help me out, feel free to let me know. Did the batter suck on the swing like he would suck on a lollipop? I’m confused.

One loyal Oceanliner reader sent yours truly this text message last night.

How the hell is lou holtz announcing a game on espn. I feel like this train wreck warrants a mention in the ocean liner

Indeed it does, indeed it does. Until then I had no idea that Lou Holtz actually called live games for ESPN. Lou Holtz is the worst college football analyst I’ve ever heard speak. His analysis is 100% emotionally and personally biased and 0% independent and objective. Imagining him trying to observe a live football game and dispense analysis at the same time is like asking a dog to cut down a tree. It’s just impossible. My friend followed up his text with a hilarious email, which may earn him a guest column spot on the Oceanliner (ie less work for me).
holtz is either slowly going retarded or is always eating peanut butter

An absolute pinpoint call by the mystery caller. Holtz is a senile, bumbling homer who can’t talk. You’d think that would be the first qualification for a TV announcer: the ability to speak. Well Holt obviously cannot talk, so I don’t know he met that first qualification. They certainly don’t have him on there to reel in the ladies ala Erin Andrews for the men. The message finished with:

i actually spent some time thinking about it and even dreamt that i was watching a monday night football game annoucned by kornheiser, holtz, and madden

I think the booth would literally blow up before this could happen.

Madden: I’ll tell you what guys, the team that has the most points at the end of this game is gonna win. Man, I can’t wait to hit up that post game buffet…You’ve got your chicken wings over here, and your pigs in a blanket over here and your French fries running a post at the end of the table and Boom! Load it all up with ranch and game over.
Holtz: The Gamecocks are going to win!
Kornheiser: Coach, this is the NFL.
Holtz: Then the Fighting Irish are going to win!
Madden: And you can’t forget butter.
Kornheiser: Where the fuck is Wilbon…

That’s all I got for this week, keep it real everybody,