Buuaaaahhhhh at the O.B.

Buuaaaahhhhh! Cmon yall, do it with me now. Buuaaaahhhhh! Knee slap, knee slap. Double clutch now. Bu-bu-buuaaaahhhhh! Knee slap, head roaring back it laughter. That’s the only way to describe the complete and utter ass whooping UVA laid on Miami this weekend. It was one of the best experiences of my life. Total domination for 60 minutes, something I have never seen a Cavalier football team do. And to do it in front of a packed Orange Bowl of 62,106? Unfathomable. We have always sucked playing on the road. We have sucked even more playing in the state of Florida, 0-15 all time before Saturday night.

And believe you me, this crowd was ready for a rampage. The Oceanliner was with Austin, Kyle, Schling, LT and Pwebb tailgating in the Miami student section for about 2 hours before the game, and people were going absolutely insane. EVERYONE was decked out in every piece of Miami gear they owned. People were running around in the streets starting chants. The parking lot we were in was so condensed; it made Foxfields seem like wide-open spaces. I was very impressed. And there was no ill will towards us UVA fans at all. Sure we got the occasional heckle, but no beer baths, curse outs or quasi fights at all. Everyone was just so excited for the game. It did get a little creepy though when a UM fan stood up on his truck waving a UVA flag…and proceeded to set it on fire while thousands of people cheered. Helluva sight though.

This carried over to the pregame ceremony in a big way. The Miami student section was directly across from us and they were going apeshit. I’m not going to lie, I got the chills when smoke filled the inflated Miami helmet and the players stormed out on the field while the fans went ballistic. Very impressive.

But that’s where it ended. 48-0. 2 forced fumbles. 3 interceptions. A blocked punt. 418-189 in total yards. The worst shutout loss in Orange Bowl history. But the thing that shocked me the most was the fact that UVA took the will out of the Miami players. I have NEVER seen the Wahoos do that on a football field. The game was over with 10 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. We took the opening possession of the 2nd half back for a touchdown, and Miami simply gave up. They came out and just ran the ball, using the full huddle the whole time. No sense of urgency. No sense of pride. Resignation.

It was amazing because all the UVA fans could enjoy the rest of the game knowing completely that it was in the bag. It was so serene and so enjoybale.

Needless to say, we all had an awesome time in Miami. And as we conclude for this week, The Oceanliner is proud to add a new segment to the show. I will now be giving out awards for the weekend that was. Drumroll please....

Douchebag of the Week: This one could have gone to any of the hundreds of gel head guidos we saw at the bar on Friday night, but was actually won earlier that morning at the DC airport. Keep in mind that it is 6:30 in the A.M., and this dude shows up wearing flip flops, pure white sweatpants that are cutoff three quarters of the way down his legs (Rafael Nadal style), a gray “Endless Summer Surf Shop” hoodie, a white, wool beanie WITH a bill, and a necklace made of white shells. What a complete loser. What was even more perplexing that that was the fact that he was with an attractive girl dressed like she was going to a business meeting. Meanwhile, he’s day dreaming about the perfect swell he’s going to catch in San Diego later this year, bra. What a joker.

Cultural Identity Crisis of the Week: Our cab driver from the Miami airport to our hotel was named Romulus. Hilarious. A little strange though, he didn’t look very Italian…

Scarface Moment of the Week: At the bar on Friday night, all of the tabletops in the upstairs portion of the bar were mirrors. Yaayooooo!

She Must Not Have Seen Scarface: At the same bar on Friday night, the group The Oceanliner was with watched on incredulously as a girl did a line right off of a table in full view of everyone. We were outside. It was a wooden picnic table. She used a bar straw. *Stunned Silence*

Scarface Moment of the Week 2: Walking the streets of South Beach on Saturday afternoon, we passed a bar that was blasting I Ran (So Far Away) by A Flock of Seagulls.

Celebrity Sighting of the Week: On Saturday afternoon, The Oceanliner rode in the same elevator as ESPN college football sideline girl Stacy Dales at our hotel. I wasn’t sure at the time if it was she, so I remained silent. When I saw her at the game on the sideline wearing the same clothes, it was confirmed. Main point here: The Oceanliner is a coward.

Double Standard of the Week: At the O.B., police were scanning people with a hand held metal detector at the student entrance to the stadium. At a different general admission gate, The Oceanliner walked in the O.B. untouched with a full metal flask in his pocket.

Paris Hilton Moment of the Week: On the way to lunch on Saturday, we crossed a street called Dildo Drive.

Hardass of the Week: Miami Airport, Sunday morning, 8:30 AM. I am standing in line to get a Gatorade at an Au Bon Pain in the concourse. Guy in front of me? Rocks a Heineken and a Boston Creme Pie Donut. H.A.R.D.A.S.S.

Engrish Moment of the Week: This one came completely out of nowhere, which made it all the more hilarious. On Sunday, The Oceanliner and Beercan were watching the FOX football postgame show and host Curt Menefee was finishing up a segment with “NFL Insider” Jay Glazer. Glazer had just ended a piece by saying how the 49ers would no doubt be playing with a lot of emotion on Monday night after the death of current head coach Mike Nolan’s father, who had also coached 9ers. Trying to agree with Glazer, Menefee wholeheartedly said “Oh, absodutely” instead of “Oh, absolutely”. Beercan and I gave each other confused looks, and wondered what Menefee had actually said. But then we rewound the segment and listened to it about 4 or 5 times in rolling laughter as Menefee said “Oh, absodutely” over and over. Priceless. I am so easily entertained. And TIVO is amazing.

Well, that’s it for this week. After being to New York and Miami within the past 10 days, The Oceanliner will absolutely be docked at home this entire weekend, no doubt thinking up more terrible puns like the one just mentioned. Not that it wasn’t worth it though; I’ve had an unbelievable time over the past two weeks. Looks like Austin and I made it to the Big Apple just in time too. The show we saw (Wicked) has just been shut down by striking stagehands, less than a week after we saw it. As is quickly becoming the slogan of The Oceanliner, you can’t make this shit up. I hope everyone is doing well out there, keep it real. Until next time, keep your pants buckled. Yaayoooo!