Instant Coffee

Peter King is a football writer for Sports Illustrated. This is sometimes hard to believe when reading his analysis of the league. I regularly peruse his Monday Morning Quarterback column on SI.com, and most of the content leaves me shaking my head in dismay. A regular feature in King’s “column” is a section called “Ten Things I Think I Think”. The title itself is an indication of how much of a loser King is. In this section, The Ultimate Brett Favre Homer gives his thoughts of the week on the NFL. He does this every week, even though nothing will change until games are played in the fall. One of King’s “thoughts” from Monday left me in my normal state of incredulity.

I think as the days go by, I’m talking myself more and more into Jacksonville being a serious Super Bowl Contender. Maybe the most serious Super Bowl contender in the AFC.

This guy gets paid to write about the NFL? Does this guy really think the Jaguars are the team to beat in the American Football Conference? The same AFC that the Patriots are in, who were 2 minutes away from running the table last year? The same AFC that the Colts are in, who have won 5 consecutive South division titles (this is the Jaguars division by the way)? The same AFC that the Chargers are in, who underachieved last year and still got to the conference title game (one round farther than the Jaguars)? Jacksonville was lucky to get past the first round of the playoffs last year, and will be lucky to do the same in 2008. Hell, they might not even make the playoffs. In my opinion, New England, Indy and San Diego are all significantly better than Jacksonville. I also believe that Cleveland and Pittsburgh are better than Jacksonville. I think the Jaguars are going to be fighting for the last playoff spot in the AFC with the rest of the mediocre peons in the conference: Denver, Houston, Tennessee, Buffalo, the Jets, etc.

I don’t understand where King’s feeling about Jacksonville came from. David Garrard played well last year, but can he keep it up? Who is he going to throw it to? Jerry Porter, Reggie Williams, Dennis Northcut and Mercedes Lewis are not exactly what you would call weapons. Fred Taylor gave them a miracle 1,200 yards last year that will be cut in half in 2008 because of injury or age. They have an aging defense that will likely start two rookies on the D-line (Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves). I see a lot of holes in North Florida.

King’s statement of Jacksonville being the top contender in the AFC is so preposterous that I am creating a new Oceanliner Original Feature. I am calling it Instant History. I am going to take predictions that are so bad in my opinion and put them in a time capsule to see how they stand up to the test of time. We can set the date to re open Peter King’s gut feeling exactly 7 months from today, December 28^th, 2008, which is the day the Jags conclude their regular season with an away game against the Ravens. We will then see if the Jaguars are the top contender in the AFC, or if they are just a bunch of jokers.

Inspired by this new Instant History feature, these are my quick hit thoughts of the week, all in Instant Coffee mode:

Instant Death: I went out to a Friday lunch last week at Chili’s and got the Jalapeno Smokehouse Big Mouth Bacon Cheeseburger. After consulting the online nutrition information, I could feel my arteries clogging as the burger was loaded with 1530 calories and 106 grams of fat. Add the serving of fries and the Southwestern Eggrolls appetizer that I ate half of and I clocked in with a 2400-calorie meal. And this was lunch! Excuse me while I go vomit, if I don’t have a heart attack first.

Instant Death Part Deaux: Seeing people smoking cigarettes on their way to work is so depressing. It’s 7:15 in the morning and you already need a cancer fix? Really? People that need a butt before the day even starts need to reevaluate their priorities. Like living.

Instant Embarrassment: I heard the WNBA has a new expansion team called the Atlanta Dream. Women’s sports have enough trouble gaining traction as it is. Naming all of your teams after emotions, ideals and nature is just another shot in the foot. In the WNBA alone there is the Dream, the Sky, the Sun, the Shock, the Fever (way to name your team after a disease), the Liberty and the Mercury. And this is out of a 14-team league! This is just another reason women’s basketball will never be taken seriously. Sure there are dumb men’s sports team names, but it’s not half the league. How the hell do you root for the Sky? What is their mascot? A cloud? A big storm cloud? Oh wait, they can’t do that one because Seattle already has a team called the Storm. Are the Storm and the Sky big rivals? Or is it the Sun and the Sky? Or the Sun and the Storm? Are the Mercury big rivals with all of them? Is their mascot a barometer? Are the Houston Comets rivals with the other outer space teams (Mercury and Sun) or the Earth bound nature phenomena (Sky)? Even the teams with tangible nicknames are bizarre. You’ve got the Monarchs, the Sparks, the Mystics, the Lynx and the Silver Stars. What are any of those things? This all wouldn’t be so sad/funny if all these nicknames weren’t absolutely true.

Why couldn’t they give the women’s teams’ normal names? Are they afraid huge catfights will break out if the mascots are even remotely violent? The WNBA nicknames are embarrassing, and will continue to deter whatever momentum the league has somehow sustained for 12 years now.

Instant Embarrassment Part Deaux: The nicknames of the teams in of the now defunct WUSA women’s professional soccer league were the Beat, the Breakers, the Courage, the Power, the Charge, the Spirit, the CyberRays (yes, the CyberRays) and the Freedom. Not going to go on a rant on this one, there’s no need.

Instant Awkwardness: I came out of the bathroom at the office one time obviously not thinking about anything important. I think it was a fantasy baseball trade that I was pondering. Anyway, the women’s bathroom is right next to the men’s and right as I walked out I crossed paths with a woman heading to the little girls room. She offered a smile and a friendly

How are you?

Lost in my fantasy baseball trance, I was caught completely off guard and managed to stutter,

Hi. Thanks.

Not only did I make the situation completely awkward, I didn’t even come close to responding to the right question. Oh well, chalk it up.

Instant Hilarity: Went to the Nats game on Memorial Day, which was absolutely sublime. I saw one person wearing a Vinny Castilla t-shirt Nats jersey and another wearing a Tony Armas t-shirt Nats jersey. You can’t make that up.

Instant Sadness: In 2002, the Expos (now my Nats) traded Grady Sizemore, Brandon Phillips and Cliff Lee for Bartolo Colon. Each time I hear this trade I look to the sky and think What If?

Instant Ending: Well, that’s it for this week folks. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and don’t get a neck tattoo.