Headlines

And You Thought Glubiak Was Slow…

Wednesday was officially the slowest day of the sports year. Baseball was off for its only day all summer because of the All Star Break. The NBA, NFL, and NHL are in their off-season. The NBA, NFL and MLB drafts have already happened. There are no college sports of any kind going on. The US Open in tennis isn’t until September. The British Open in golf didn’t start until Thursday (and Tiger isn’t there to boot). Wednesday is the deadest day of the NASCAR week as they are squarely between races. The US Olympic Trials are over. Arena Football playoffs are only on the weekends. Hell, there weren’t even any Major League Soccer games. The only “sports” we got on Wednesday were two measly WNBA games. Somehow I doubt the Chicago Sky-Detroit Shock 66-63 snoozer led off SportsCenter on Thursday morning.

…But Not As Slow As A WNBA Player

I feel kinda bad for the WNBA. On a day when there were no other professional or collegiate sports of any kind in the entire country, the two WNBA games barely got 10 seconds on SportsCenter. If anything is an indication of how little traction this league has, than that is it. When you get beat out by Bret Favre’s interview with Greta Van Susternenenenen, the Titletown montage of Valdosta, Georgia (seriously?) and a story about the NFL investigating gang sings (seriously), you need to go back to the drawing board. (Psssssst. Candace Parker dunking is not going to do it)

Nuggets Trade Marcus Camby for a Bologna Sandwich

On Tuesday, the Nuggets traded Marcus Camby to the Clippers “for the option to swap second-round picks in 2010.” I know that Denver was trying to unload salary, but good God, talk about a fleecing. Every other team in the league probably slammed their head in the door in frustration after this deal went through. Who would have thought offering a guaranteed second round pick would be a sweeter deal than the Nuggets ended up getting. I bet every Denver fan felt like they quick a quick kick to the nuts. And bravo to the Clippers for rebounding nicely after Elton Brand threw them two fingers and headed for Philly. It makes you wonder what Denver would ask for in a trade for one of their scrubs, much less a solid starter like Camby. We might see something like this in the paper later in the summer: “Nuggets trade Yakhouba Diawara (yes, an actual Nuggets player) for a sweet paper airplane.”

Number of Wahoos in the NBA Doubles After Singletary Signs With Kings

Sadly, this headline is absolutely true. Singletary joins Roger Mason Jr as the only Virginia alums in the league right now. I am really happy for Singletary though, as he can finally relax as he has some guaranteed money coming his way now after all the hard work invested in four tough years in Charlottesville. Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but the league minimum for rookies is $442,114, which is not too shabby at all. Singletary is the number two point guard in Sacramento behind Beno Udrich, so he should be looking at some solid minutes this year, especially considering how bad the Kings are going to be. The other NBA Wahoo, Mason, recently cashed in nicely by signing a two year, $7.5 million dollar deal with the Spurs. Not a bad spot to be in. You know, I’m surprised that the Virginia NBA list has not grown even higher; I mean Pett is available…

Francis Scott Key Rolls Over in His Grave

Did anyone catch Sheryl Crow perform the national anthem before the All Star Game? It was absolutely putrid and a disgrace to this country. Of course she had to come out with her guitar, so she ruined an already terrible vocal rendition of the Star Spangled Banner by plucking random notes (seriously) on her acoustic guitar at the same time. Eminent Ribrary Courts roommate Schling and I thought it couldn’t get worse than 3 Doors Down performing before the Home Run Derby (again, seriously), where they played their “hit” song It’s Not My Time. What an awful song title to play before a Home Run Derby, It’s NOT My Time? Seriously? But then Crow came out and “sang” the national anthem on Tuesday and made a traveshamockey of it. Horrible. This will only make the world hate us more.

Sheryl Crow’s Mom Seen Wandering the Streets of DC

Last weekend on a 95 degree Saturday, Austin and I saw a crazy 65 year old woman wandering the streets of Northwest DC wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, a purple dentist assistants’ vest, a pink bucket hat and aqua socks (yes aqua sucks) walking up and down the sidewalk playing a guitar strapped over her shoulder and singing incomprehensibly. You can’t make this shit up.

Sheryl Crow’s Aunt Seen in Arlington 3 Days Later

Stopped at a red light on the way to work one morning this week, I looked into the lane next to me and saw an old woman open her car door and pour out the remaining half of an MGD beer can. It was 8:30 in the morning. Sheesh.

ESPN to Create New Reality Show Called “The Hills: Phil Mickelson’s Buys a Bra”

You can add Titletown to the growing list of reasons why ESPN is going down the toilet. Its stupidity, pointlessness and annoyance lies somewhere between The Greatest Highlight and Who’s Now, and makes you shake your head in disappointment. Show more highlights! That’s why people watch SportsCenter…to see sports highlights!!! I certainly don’t want to see Wendi Nix talk to Al Kaline for 10 minutes about why Detroit deserves to be named Titletown (seriously, I saw this). It is sad to see such a giant pissing its bread and butter away.

XXXX wins the Gauntlet (aka the British Open)

That shit they are playing over there right now is a completely different sport than golf. It’s survival. The whole point of golf is to walk around a beautiful course for a couple of hours enjoying the beautiful weather and the scenery. It’s not meant to be played in 55 degrees, 15-20 mile per hour winds, 4 foot tall grass and Everest survival gear. I’ve never seen golfers look more miserable in their lives.

NBA to Create New Mid Level Exception for Werewolves

Now that Marc Gasol (Pau’s brother) has signed with the Grizzlies, there are now two smelly Spaniards in the NBA that have no idea when to say ‘enough is enough’ with regards to facial hair. Here are pictures of the two brothers. Be careful not to look after eating a large meal.

Josh Hamilton Cures Cancer…And Did You Know He Has An Amazing Story!

When are broadcasters going to be able to say Josh Hamilton’s name without attaching the obligatory “what a great story he is” to it? 6 months? 1 year? 5? Ever? Everyone in the country already knows that he overcame a crack addiction and Sports Illustrated already ran a great cover story on it. Now it’s just getting super annoying and repetitive. I don’t care what a great story he is when he flies out in the top of the 4th in a June game in Seattle.

I’ll See You In Hell, Costanza

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I hope everyone is enjoying their summer as much as I am and that you will soon buy my sun screen spot miser detector. Until the next time, stay safe, keep it real and get weird.