Scoreboard

Oelschlager 1, King 0

I call Peter King a moron seemingly every week, yet all these attacks are based on his current observations, and are tough to concretely denounce. But now I have red handed proof, uncovered by myself no less, showing what a buffoon King is and how horrible his coverage of the NFL has become, even though he gets a lavish salary to do so on three different mediums (Sports Illustrated, SI.com and NBC).

Loyal Oceanliner readers will remember a segment I created specifically because of King called Instant History. It was part of my March 28, 2008 post called Instant Coffee. My post was in response to this “gut feeling” King had about the Jacksonville Jaguars which he wrote about in his pitiful Monday Morning Quarterback column:

“I think as the days go by, I’m talking myself more and more into Jacksonville being a serious Super Bowl Contender. Maybe the most serious Super Bowl contender in the AFC.”

This was my immediate and incredulous response.

“This guy gets paid to write about the NFL? Does this guy really think the Jaguars are the team to beat in the American Football Conference? The same AFC that the Patriots are in, who were 2 minutes away from running the table last year? The same AFC that the Colts are in, who have won 5 consecutive South division titles (this is the Jaguars division by the way)? The same AFC that the Chargers are in, who underachieved last year and still got to the conference title game (one round farther than the Jaguars)? Jacksonville was lucky to get past the first round of the playoffs last year, and will be lucky to do the same in 2008. Hell, they might not even make the playoffs. In my opinion, New England, Indy and San Diego are all significantly better than Jacksonville. I also believe that Cleveland and Pittsburgh are better than Jacksonville. I think the Jaguars are going to be fighting for the last playoff spot in the AFC with the rest of the mediocre peons in the conference: Denver, Houston, Tennessee, Buffalo, the Jets, etc.”

I was so flabbergasted by this “expert’s” analysis that I created Instant History, again described in my March post below:

“King’s statement of Jacksonville being the top contender in the AFC is so preposterous that I am creating a new Oceanliner Original Feature. I am calling it Instant History. I am going to take predictions that are so bad in my opinion and put them in a time capsule to see how they stand up to the test of time. We can set the date to re open Peter King’s gut feeling exactly 7 months from today, December 28th, 2008, which is the day the Jags conclude their regular season with an away game against the Ravens. We will then see if the Jaguars are the top contender in the AFC, or if they are just a bunch of jokers.”

Well folks, the Jags are such a bunch of jokers that we don’t need to wait for this Sunday’s game against the Ravens. This is partially due to their pathetic 5-10 record, but more because I will be on vacation right after that game happens (see Column, how to mail one in). The real joker, of course, is King, whose “top contender in the AFC” is the 8th worst team in the league. Now I realize that I was not correct about San Diego (who still might make the playoffs) or Cleveland and said nothing about the Ravens, but, wait for it, I’m a random blogger and King “analyzes” the NFL for Sports Illustrated. What a joke of talent evaluation, both by King and SI.

Roller Blading 1, Common Sense 0

Last week I was driving back to work from lunch and it was raining like crazy. What do I see gliding down the sidewalk but a roller blader with a backpack on. This poor dude was blading up a hill in the rain. Needless to say he did not look like he was having fun. Whatever circumstances led him to roller blade in a driving rainstorm could not have been good.

Bengals Announcers 1, Ken Dorsey 0

Every Monday I watch the highlight packages that NFL.com puts together to recap all of the weekend games. They have two different types, and both are great. One includes full commentary from Rich Eisen, Deion Sanders and Steve Mariuci. These recaps are especially good for exciting and meaningful games, as each highlight package lasts 4-5 minutes that includes drive progressions and analysis. Eisen and the boys do not do as good of a job for clunker or irrelevant games, giving them only 1-2 minutes each. But the second NFL.com package of highlights includes all of the good plays (scoring plays, amazing catches, nice runs, stiff arms, sacks, turnovers, etc.) of a given game, accompanied by the radio calls of those plays. Thus each game gets 4-5 minutes, regardless of the importance or score. I highly recommend NFL.com as a source of video football highlights over the joke that SportsCenter and The Blitz has become.

An added benefit to the big play, highlight-only packages is that you get to hear some awesome home team radio calls. My favorite from this past weekend was a call from the Bengals-Browns game (sidetrack, woof) in which Ken Dorsey, starting “quarterback” of the Browns, lined up in the shotgun. The Bengals radio announcer immediately perked up like a kid in a candy store and proclaimed

“Dorsey in the shotgun, this is what we like to see!”

Dorsey of course proceeded to throw a pick on the play. The tone of excitement in which the Bengal’s play-by-play man used in mocking the other team’s quarterback was priceless. Come to think of it, that’s exactly how I would always feel when Virginia Tech would for some unknown reason put Sean Glennon in at quarterback over Tyrod Taylor. That was like an early Christmas present.

Oelschlager 30, Caldwell 0

At a Christmas party two weeks ago, Tyler and I were beer pong partners, and of course, bet against each other on who could make the most cups. Five dollars a cup and 5 games of domination later netted me a sweet $30 from Liutenant Caldwell. The second best part (besides taking Tyler’s money) was the scared and confused looks on the other team’s face when I would sink a cup and my partner would get furious.

Moyer 46, Phillies Oblivious

Earlier this month the Phillies signed pitcher Jamie Moyer to a two-year extension. The hilarious part is that Moyer is 46 years old, easily already the oldest player in baseball. Sounds like a shaky deal to me, but these are the World Champs. And it’s not like Moyer was chump change in 2008. Far from it in fact. The crafty lefty was 16-7 with a 3.71 ERA. Astounding numbers for a pitcher that old that can barely hit 80 mph on the radar gun.

Line Stealing 1, Integrity 0

The Oceanliner would like to credit my high school buddy Ian Beed for the following line.

“Part of me hopes that Chad Ocho Cinco gets traded to a team that already has a player who wears number 85, and he’s forced to pick another number. Now that would be funny”.

I don’t know if Beed stole that line from somewhere else, but it’s freaking hilarious.

2008

Over. This is the Oceanliner signing off for the year. I’ll be back again in 2009. Godspeed.