Cold People in Silly Hats

I watched the Inauguration on my roommate’s 52 inch high definition TV, and not on the Mall in 25 degree weather with 2 million of my closest friends. I think I chose wisely. I thought it was a very nice ceremony, but the Oceanliner would like to rename the 2009 Inauguration “Cold People in Silly Hats”. It was astonishing how many people fit the bill for both of these descriptions; by looking both miserably cold while wearing a preposterous hat. And now, I present three short scenes from the Inauguration weekend:

Act I

(Program Coordinator for the We Are One concert approaches Martin Luther King III)

Program Coordinator: Hey Martin, thanks so much for being here on this historic, historic day.
King: It’s my pleasure, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. There’s actually been a slight change of plans. You know how we told you that you would be introducing a band alone? Well, scrap that. To make the star power of this event even greater, we have decided to give you a co-presenter. You will now introduce Mary J Blige with Laura Linney.
MLKIII: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the actress.
MLKIII:*blank stare*
PC: You know, the quirky blond actress who’s oh so cute.
MLKIII: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life. What has she been in?
PC: Oh, she’s been in tons of good stuff. She was in that movie, about the emotional mom…damn I can’t remember the name. Oh, and that show, where she played the quirky blond mom…it’s on the tip of my tongue.
(turns to a techie)
PC: Jim, Jim, quick, name a movie for Martin that Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the blond actress.
Jim: You mean the day time soap opera star?
PC: No, LAURA LINNEY, the acclaimed famous actress.
Jim: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life.
PC: Well, do you have an iPhone at least? Go to IMDB and see what Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Well, let’s see. She was in Congo. That was a doozy. Oh, and the Mothman Prophecies, I remember seeing a trailer for that once…
PC: Frasier! She was in Frasier! Surely you’ve seen Frasier, Martin.
MLKIII: I’m black, why would I ever watch Frasier? That was the whitest show of all time.
PC: Right.
MLKIII: Damn, why do I have to present with this Laura Linney. I see Jamie Fox right over there.

Act II

(Program Coordinator approaches Steve Carell before his introduction at the We Are One concert)

PC: Hey Steve, thanks for being here on this historic, history making day.
Steve Carell: No problem, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. Well, here’s your script for when you go out there and talk about Abraham Lincoln.
(Carell reads his lines)
Carell: Wait, you want me to go out there and just read off quotes that other people said?
PC: Uh, yeah.
Carell: Let me get this straight. You want me, Steve Carell, to go out there are read quotes that other people said, and not offer anything funny, witty or off the cuff sarcastic?
PC: Uhhhhh, that’s right Steve.
Carell: Are you insane? Why would people want to listen to me if I wasn’t trying to be funny? Did you see Dan in Real Life? It was awful!
PC: No, I never caught it. Listen I need you to…
Carell: Dan in Real Life! The director resorted to putting Dane Cook in that movie? Do you know what a desperate move that is?
PC: *hangs head in shame* I know, we almost had to call him for this concert.
Carell: Damnit, oh well. One other thing, why am I presenting with Jamie Foxx? We have nothing in common. Plus I see Laura Linney right over there. Why couldn’t I have presented with her? She so quirky.

Act III

(Program Coordinator for the Inauguration runs up to Aretha Franklin before going out to sing My Country Tis of Thee)

PC: Aretha! Thank God I got to you in time
Franklin: What is it, rube?
PC: So I know you wanted to wear that traditional, normal looking hat that you have on. But I just found this beautiful number from a dude selling hats on the street, and I need you to wear it.
Franklin: That’s the ugliest hat I’ve ever seen.
PC: No! It’s ahead of the curve! You’ve always been a trend setter; this could be your ultimate achievement!
Franklin: But it’s got an enormous bow on it. It’s putrid.
PC: If anyone in the world can pull it off, its you Aretha!
Franklin: How much did you pay for that hat?
PC: Four dollars, but that’s beside the point. Go out there and belt away!
Franklin: OK fine, gimme the damn hat.
PC: *beaming*

End

Watching the Virginia-Maryland basketball game on Tuesday night was a tale of two halves. The first was frustrating and depressing while the second was somewhat encouraging. In the first half, the Hoos showed all of the characteristics that they did when they got blown out by Xavier and Carolina; lots of turnovers, jacking tons off balance threes, poor defensive rebounding and silly fouls. In the first half, the Cavs were 2-13 from beyond the arc, and most of these threes were contested, horrible shots. They turned the ball over 12 times. The defense was horrific, giving up 45 points and allowed the Terps to shoot over 60% from the field. The starting frontcourt of Mike Scott and Asane Sene both picked up two stupid fouls. Leitao sits players who pick up two first half fouls, so we got out muscled by a weaker Maryland team for most of the first half. All in all, it was depressing as hell, losing 45-30 after only a half.

But hey, give Leitao, his staff and the players credit for fighting back in the second half. The team could have easily mailed it in and given up in the final 20 minutes, given that they were down by 15 on the road and playing terribly. But the Hoos responded well. They stopped turning the ball over as much, with only 7 turnovers in the second half. They started penetrating the lane (instead of launching off balance 3’s), where Calvin Baker began to make some runners, and Mike Scott began getting the ball fed to him. After being held to 2 points and 3 boards in the first half, Scott responded in a big way after intermission, pouring in 14 points and grabbing 7 rebounds. Scott is very capable of doing this on a regular basis, but he needs a combination of staying out of foul trouble and people getting him the ball. Dude is a monster on the glass and can create his own opportunities, as he leads the ACC in offensive rebounds per game. Because of this penetration and inside presence, the Virginia guards were able to kick out to open shooters on the perimeter, who were taking open 3’s and not wild, contested ones. Thus in the second half, because of the penetration and inside presence, UVA hit 4 of the 7 treys it took. The Hoos brought the deficit back to 2 before eventually losing by 6. A 15 point halftime deficit is just too hard to overcome.
Gene Wojciechowski is a bigger loser than I thought, and I thought he was a pretty big loser to begin with. This is the man that the Oceanliner lambasted in last week’s post for a column entitled “Book the Eagles for Tampa” in which Wojo said the Cardinals had “not shot” at winning the game and the Eagles were a “lock” for the Super Bowl. I noted that there are no locks in the NFL (especially with a 6 seed playing on the road), and that Gene was over confident. Well, we all know what happened. So somewhat naively I expected Wojciechowski’s next column to owe up to his horrible forecast. But no, his next column covered the AFC Championship, with this lone sentence referring to the NFC counterpart:

“Now the Steelers travel to Tampa, Fla., to face the NFC champion Arizona Cardinals.”

That’s it. That’s all he said about his Philly prediction. What a spineless douchebag. Three days after that, Geney boy wrote a column entitled “Looking back at my 2008 predictions” in the NFL. Surely, thought the Oceanliner, the G-man will own up to his terrible “lock” pick of a week before. Astonishingly, he failed to mention it again. This is the kind of talent ESPN locks up and gives unprecedented access to. It’s not like Sports Illustrated does any better though, as they employ Peter King to “analyze” professional football.

I don’t care about Lance Armstrong anymore. I don’t want coverage of his first race in Australia and the endless talk leading up to the Tour de France. I don’t care if he wins 5 more Tours. I would rather watch endless midsummer baseball highlights than him pedal through the Alps and defend himself against doping allegations. I don’t care about who he’s dating. I’m going to borrow from Dave Chappelle for a moment and tell Lance to stop riding a bike and “Go sell some medicine, bitches!” Does this mean we all have to get out our Live Strong bracelets again? Enough.

P.S. This is the picture ESPN.com ran of Lance when he made his 2009 debut in the Tour of Australia. When did Armstrong become a Sith lord? What a creeper.
So I went to the gym this morning at my office and forgot to pack a belt with my work clothes. I look and feel retarded.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Enjoy your snowshoeing, Glubiak.