Red Sox Douche Nation

I don’t know what is more annoying to me right now, Red Sox fans or Red Sox players. All of them have honestly become just absolutely unbearable. They were fine up until 2004 when they won the World Series. I mean, it was pretty hard to really hate on a whole state when they had been down for 86 years. That kind of hatred could only be inflicted by Yankees fans, whose chants of “1918” were so poignant and malicious that it brought about chills. It was as if a knife wound was being prodded with every round.

The Sox were a feel good story after their World Series victory, but it only took about 10 minutes for their fans to start being the most annoying in sports. I can only hear so many “We are sooo wicked awesome!” chants and belly cries. They have started to act like the Yankees, but without their awesome pedigree. Yankee fans are arrogant, confident and know a lot about baseball. This comes with 26 World Series. I respect Yankees fans. They wear their gear but don’t shove it down your throat.

Red Sox fans on the other hand, haven’t been able to stop talking about the Sawx and how awesome they are for almost 3 years now. What’s even more annoying than Red Sox fans are fake Red Sox fans that have no affiliation with the team but root for them anyway. I witnessed this first hand on Saturday night when I was at a sports bar watching the UVA-Maryland football game, unfortunately at the same time as Game 7 of the ALCS. The place was packed with feuax Sox fans, all clad in their gear and pretending they were from Boston, while most likely from Allentown or Scranton or some other terrible city.

So I looked around and thought to myself, “Man, all of these Red Sox fans are either busted, pizza faced, chubs mcgee girls or huge douche bag dudes with too much gel and cologne.” And all of them would walk around screaming, “God the Sawx are so awesome!” and “Hey, everyone, you need to realize how awesome the Red Sox are!” and “Look at me! I’m a true Red Sox fan! We can act like Yankees fans even though since 1918 they’ve won 24 more World Series than us!”

In fact, all of the Sox fans in the bar looked like these miserable people.


It’s not even the Sox fans that have become terrible; it’s their players as well. And there is no player more fitting of the annoying Red Sox bandwagon than leadoff hitter Dustin Pedroia. Watching him play baseball makes me hope I never have to be in the same room as him, as I cannot imagine anything more annoying. Let’s examine the diminutive Mr. Pedroia.


A hemp necklace? Seriously? As a major league baseball player? Cmon, Dustin. C’mon buddy. This isn’t early high school anymore. You’re not going surfing after the game and nobody buys that you’re a hippy. It’s time to move on. But then we see ace Josh Bekcett and…


You’ve got to be shitting me. Three hemp necklaces around his neck, and it looks like they are rocking him in the face. Sweet soul path too, loser. Are Beckett and Pedroia going to go get high in their basement after the game? Start a grunge band? Denounce corporate America? It amazes me that two grown men would go out in public still rockin a douche tastic hemp necklace, much less on national TV. At least they don’t have a guy on their team who…


Sports terrible facial hair…Damnit Big Papi. What a horrible beard. Scratch that, it doesn’t even deserve to be called a beard. The horrendous alignment of Ortiz’s facial hair is a disgrace to everyone who has ever tried to grow a beard but couldn’t (Tyler). Memo to Big Papi: Baron Davis’s beard would annex yours in second if it wanted too.


Davis’ beard definitely belongs in the Sports Beard Hall of Fame, along with every hockey player who ever made the playoffs. Which is where uber-douche Kevin Youklis comes in. Youk apparently thought he was a hockey player when he let this road kill grow on his face. Nobody wants to see a hedgehog attacking an already ugly ass mug. And with a nomination for Biggest Tool Picture of the Year Award, its Youklis and Pedroia together!


Wow, so awkward, so full of used douches. Finally there is Manny Ramirez, who looks like he’ll be joining Pedroia and Beckett in the basement to get high.


Hell, they can probably smoke an ounce of Manny’s hair and get stoned as bejeezus. But I can’t hate on Manny too much. All the dude does is straight up mash the ball, all day every day.

Why am I writing all about the Red Sox you may ask? Well the whole point of this post was to get to the fact that the name of the home plate umpire for Game 7 of the ALCS was Randy Marsh. The same Randy Marsh who delights on South Park every week. That’s all I really wanted to say, I thought it was funny. Here are the two Randy Marshes, both doing what they do best.



Well, that concludes the Oceanliner for this week. The Oceanliner and Austin will be rockin New York City this weekend, so hopefully hilarity will ensue and it will be made public. And as always, keep it real and stay tuned. Yellow, white, red brown…