2nd ½ ’07 NVBSAS A.S.

Happy Holidays loyal readers. I hope everyone got some baller ass gifts for Christmas. Tis the season.

One of the small but satisfying joys in my life is stumbling upon random, crazy, non senseical and hilarious bumper stickers, some of which take pot shots at random people for completely oblivious reasons. Anyhoo, I have jotted down my favorite bumper sticker sayings from the past few months and have decided to share them with yall here. It gives me a laugh at some of the things people decide to care about and share with the world. So, in no particular order, here are your Northern Virginia Bumper Sticker All Stars for the 2^nd half of 2007. Or, 2^nd ½ ’07 NVBSAS A.S.

Save Fenway!

That’s weird, I didn’t know Fenway Park was in any danger. Silly Bostonians.

Sears Unfair to Retirees

Again, maybe I’m not up to date on Labor Union Monthly, but I hadn’t heard of this gripping battle between old people and a company that is going bankrupt. I think this may be 1 of 16 bumper stickers like this in the whole country, all owned by people named Earl and Edna.

Arctic Circle

Yeah, that’s all it said. It was a round shape and looked like a normal sticker for some Busch League beach, but instead in had Artic Circle and its longitude and latitude coordinates. Somehow I don’t think this guy drove his Geo Metro to the Artic Circle, but that’s just a hunch.

I Heart 311

I’m impressed that a 311 fan cared enough to make this one. I’m also impressed that they woke up from their drug-induced coma for enough time with enough conscious effort to get the job done. Well-played sir.

I Heart Jet Noise

What? You better say that louder. I couldn’t hear you over all that sarcasm.

War/Poverty/Abortion/Euthanasia/Capital Punishment/Racism

This bumper sticker had a big red line through all of these terms denouncing them. I didn’t know people projected their entire views on the back of their car, but hey, everyone’s different. Also, I didn’t think people had to state their stance on Racism anymore. This isn’t 1952. Or Sudan.

Jesus was a Liberal

I wonder which party this guy votes for.

NOVA Southeastern Community College

You need a compass and topography stakes just to find this pansy ass school. If no one has heard of your school, and you shout a cheer, does it make a sound?

*This next one was on a Suburban, and the message was surrounded by Fleur de Lis*

I drove my Chevy to the levy but the levy was gone

Burn! Man this one is great, outta nowhere too. Who exactly is this bumper sticker zinging? FEMA? Prez Bush? New Orleans? Mother Nature? The Superdome? The Army? This is spectacular. Whoever is getting rocked is getting rocked hard. I love it. Touche salesman.

And my favorite bumper sticker from the past couple of months is…drumroll please….

Don’t drive faster than your guardian angel can fly

Bu-bu-wwwwhaattt? Rrrrandom. I stared at this one for a solid minute and could not even come close to figuring out what it meant. No religious signs were on it, or connections to any organizations. Priceress. Just prain priceress.

Well, there you have it folks, my cop out column of the week. Sue me, it’s Christmas. I would love to hear of other hilarious bumper stickers than people have seen recently, the more the merrier. I hope everyone has a bomb ass weekend, I know I will. The Word on Saturday night, Skins-Cowboys live on Sunday and New Years on Monday. Can life get any better? I submit that it cannot! Until next time, keep it real, stay safe and do the Superman.

NBA Volleyball All Star Team

The Oceanliner has long contended that elite NBA players, if properly trained, would without a doubt become the most dominant volleyball players on the face of the planet. NBA athletes’ combination of speed, strength, agility, reflexes, and athleticism is perhaps unmatched in the realm of professional sports. They need all of these attributes to excel on the hardwood, and this same skill set is what appears to be needed on the volleyball pitch. Could you imagine if LeBron James spent 3 months with a formal volleyball coach, learning the proper techniques of the game? He would be the most dominant player in the world. He would literally kill people with his spikes, and on defense all he would have to do is go for ridiculous blocks (instead of face guarding other players, his one weakness). Who the hell would be able to spike it past the 6’8”, 240 lb, 7-foot wingspan, 44-inch vertical leap Bron Bron? Absolutely no one. Except maybe another NBA player.

It is with this in mind that I decided to publish my first annual NBA Volleyball All Star Team. A team that would undoubtedly bring home world titles, if such a thing even exists in the world of professional volleyball. I have no idea how many players a volleyball team normally carries, but I know six people are on the floor at any given time. I decided to round this out with 4 bench spots, for a total of 10 NBA reps on my inaugural squad. I wanted 2 big guys, 2 crafty set up men, and 6 freak-of-nature leapers to pound the opponent into submission. Thus, optimally, there would be 1 setter, 1 big man and 4 flyers on the court at any given time.

Going through all the rosters in the NBA, I arrived at 3 consensus starters that I didn’t have to think twice about. King James is in the lineup at leaper number 1, with no hesitation whatsoever. Being only 22, it is a near lock he will be on this team for many years to come.

Unanimous starter number 2 is Dwight Howard, eminent big man. When my friends and I were arguing over this fictional team at some point during 4th year at UVA, I can’t remember if I included Howard in my starting lineup or not. If I didn’t, I was a lunatic. Howard is a must start. Kid is an absolute freak of nature and a monster around the rim/volleyball net. 6’11”, 270 lbs, 7’8” wingspan and a 38-inch vertical leap. Dude’s like a freight train coming at you. The other team would have to wear roller blading wrist guards to avoid breaking their wrists if they tried to block a Howard spike. He’s first in the NBA in rebounds and 4th in blocks. He’d be a black hole on the front line. Also only 22, expect many an all NBA Volleyball All Star Team selections for Howard.

My last consensus starter may be controversial, but I didn’t waver a bit. Kobe Bryant is definitely in my top 6. Maybe because he’s been so good for so long, people tend to forget how incredibly athletic Bryant is, with an incredible ability to finish. While LeBron and Howard would throw down vicious spike after vicious spike, Kobe would mix it up with some finesse drop shots and spin finishes. Not to say that Bryant couldn’t throw it down (he is capable of some merciless KO’s), but his versatility around the net would be almost unstoppable. On top of this, Kobe is perhaps the most competitive player in the whole league, and would ride the nonexistent chip on his shoulder and become one of the top 3 volleyball players in the world. Kobe Bryant, Leaper number 2.

Rounding out the leapers, I chose Shawn Marion and Tracy McGrady. Not only is the Matrix one hell of an athlete, but also he may be the most versatile player on the court. His quick hands and ball hawking instinct would be invaluable on defense. His ability to adjust midair would render him never out of position. Plus, you know, he’s a freak athlete who can jump to Mars and slam the ball through the floor. Yeah, that too. Tmac perhaps suffers the same fate as Bryant because he’s been so good for so long. But still only 28, McGrady can definitely still bring it.

As for my set up man, only two people came to mind, Chris Paul and Deron Williams. Both stud young point guards made the team immediately; it was just a question of who was going to start. Paul gets the nod because of his much quicker hands and reflexes. He leads the NBA in steals per game, so if a ball miraculously got past the front line of Howard, LBJ and Kobe, Paul would be better suited to dig it out and keep the play alive. Both Williams and CP3 would be magnificent in setting up the leapers for stupendous kills.

So there you have it. The first annual NBA Volleyball All Star Team starting lineup:

LeBron James
Dwight Howard
Kobe Bryant
Shawn Marion
Tracy McGrady
Chris Paul

What a scary lineup to think about. No doubt the best volleyball team in the world.

As for the 4 reserves, we already know Deron Williams will backup Paul as the setter. Amare Stoudamire is the backup big man. It was only like 2 years ago that Amare was the current Howard, and I believe he can still bring it. The leapers couldn’t be complete without Vince Carter. I know he’s getting older, but there’s no one I would rather have on my bench ready to go in for 5-10 plays a game and go Vinsanity on fools than Carter. Last but not least, I’m going to take a page right out of the Team USA Olympic basketball book and select a young unproven player right out of college as my 10th man. Tyrus Thomas, welcome to the team. This is my Jay Bilas pick, based solely on potential. Thomas is a freak, and if he doesn’t pan out, so what? The other 9 guys would roll through any volleyball competition with their eyes closed.

That’s the team. The all NBA Volleyball All Stars. If you think I’m wrong, which I’m not, I’d still love to hear everyone else’s starting 6 and 4 reserves. Feel free to comment on who you think should be on the team. That way I can laugh at all the delusional lineups that come in.

Aaaaaand I’m spent, that’s it for this week folks. I hope everyone has a great Christmas, and if you are traveling, stay safe. Until next time, stay tuned and slam some bourbon for me. Happy Holidays.

A State of Emergency

So Mike Vick got 23 months. I think that’s pretty fair. One of the major topics that are being discussed in the wake of his sentencing is whether Vick will be able to return to the NFL after serving his time. People are saying that he will have spent too much time away from the game to be able to come back and be a quarterback in the NFL. John Clayton says his physical skills will diminish by too much and the game will pass him by.

People must not realize what a horrendous state of affairs the quarterback position is in the National Football League right now. Some of the worst quarterback play the league has ever seen is being showcased every week, and it’s becoming a state of emergency, yet no one has seemed to notice.

The list of awful quarterbacks who have either started or played significant minutes in a game this year is staggering. The NFL should be giving refunds to ticket holders that are being forced to watch such putrid performances. These are some of the trick ass marks, mark ass tricks, skip skap skalliwags and hoolihoops that have played quarterback in the NFL this year:

Kyle Orton and Shaun Hill are both slated to start this week, for the Bears and 49ers respectively. Kyle Orton is so bad that he was the backup to Rex Grossman and Brian Griese. All three of these bums will have started for the defending Super Bowl runner ups. Shaun Hill is starting for my beloved 49ers on Sunday, and I’ve never heard his name in my life. He was the starting quarterback at Maryland while I was at UVA, and I’ve never heard of him. The 49ers have averaged a league worst 13 points a game this year, and there’s no way they are going to come anywhere close to that against the Bengals this weekend. Also, the 9ers signed 76 year old Chris Weinke as their emergency quarterback.

By the way, the Patriots have scored 332 more points than the 49ers this year.

In a game earlier this year, Vinny Testaverde and Trent Dilfer were the opposing starting quarterbacks in an “NFL” game. Fans should have sued the NFL for false advertisement. Vinny and Dilfer have more business pushin AARP and Propecia than starting in the NFL.

Gus Ferrotte and Brock Berlin have both started for the pathetic St. Louis Rams this year. Good they they gave $60 mil to Bulger,

Chad Pennington and Kellen Clemens have been the signal callers for the Jets this season. A 5^th grade girl could jump one of Pennington’s out routes and Clemens has been terrible.

Down in Miami, Cleo Lemon (yes, that’s his real name) and John Beck have been dueling to see which can have the worst record as a starter. They are both succeeding equally as poorly, combining for a .000 winning percentage.

Atlanta obviously got a raw deal with Vick electrocuting dogs, but their decision to get rid of Matt Schaub has really kicked them in the nuts. They have started Joey “Piano Hands” Harrington, Byron “Where’s the Buffett” Leftwich and most recently Chris “Who the hell is Chris Redman” Redman. Not that Schaub has even been that impressive, but he looks like the Golden Boy compared to these idiots.

AJ Feeley is doing two things, sucking at starting a couple games for the Eagles and seeing how long he can use an elementary school nickname before he gets his ass beat.

The Ravens are just plain pitiful. Kyle Boller is the lead candidate for his 5^th consecutive All Loser Team selection and I think Steve McNair’s right leg just fell off. At some point, McNair’s body is actually going to shatter like the T1000 at the end of the second Terminator. Except this time it wont slither back together.

Josh and Luke McCown have both started games this year, for the Raiders and Bucs. Who?

Not only have the Pathers played Vinny Testaverde, but he is actually their best option compared to David “Butler Hands” Carr and nobody Matt Moore.

It is easy to forget Kansas City still has a franchise when their two starters this year, Damon Huard and Brodie Croyle, have the first names of a bad steakhouse, and game worse than a Long John Silver’s.

Charlie Frye was your opening day starter in Cleveland. I think he’s selling sandals along the highway now.

The legendary Todd Collins looks like the starter for the rest of the season for the Skinnies.

Bruce Gradkowski, Troy Smith, Sage Rosenfels, and Tyler Thigpen have all played at least a half a game this year fro their respective slubs. 20 bucks to whoever knows who all four play for.

These honestly cannot be quarterbacks in the NFL. That sounds like a list of homeless people, not quarterbacks. Some of this is being overshadowed by Tom Brady’s amazing season, but the NFL really has to take a look at this crisis.

I don’t know what the cause is. Some of it may have to do with the prevalence of the spread in college. The guys are only making one or two reads before running the ball. But I have no idea. All I know is that the level of quarterback play in the bottom 20 teams in the NFL is unacceptable.

I didn’t even mention semi scrubs that may suck like Vince Young, Jay Cutler, Matt Lenient, Kurt Warner, Alex Smith, Tarvaris Jackson, JP Losman and Trent Edwards.

So the real point is, after 550 words, is that Mike Vick could definitely play quarterback in the NFL, probably until he was 50, given the level of absolute losers currently sucking a huge amounts of nuts under center in the NFL right now.

RIP Ribrary Courts Vending Machine

It has given up many a memory, but alas, the Ribrary Courts vending machine is no more. Turns out they figured something out and shut down the free soda reign. One day The Oceanliner came home and walked into the elevator waiting area, and I could feel a huge void, but couldn’t figure out what it was. Then I realized there was no vending machine in the corner. They had terminated it. Those bastards. Ceejay…

Well, that’s it for now. I have my company Xmas party on Friday afternoon, and Austin’s is later that night. Should be a good time. Until next time, keep warm, rock some sweet sweaters and keep chuggin that eggnog.

College Basketball Musings

The collegiate basketball season is young, but already very exciting. Preseason tournaments gave us some very heated action for November, and before you know it the grind of mid February conference play will be upon us. One of the great things about college basketball is that you can stumble across a great game almost every night of the week. Whereas college football rises, crescendos and falls around each Saturday, great hardwood games are scattered throughout the week, providing much more exposure for the game and opportunity to catch teams from all across the country in action. Let’s do it.

Starting of course with the Cavaliers, I don’t know if there is a player in the country I would rather have on my team than Sean Singletary. Kid is an absolute stud. Will pour in at least 20 a night, and now that Leito has surrounded him with some good talent he has upped his assists average to 6.9 a game. Singletary is uber good, ultra competitive and clutch as hell. I foresee a couple more Duke-game-floater-camera-finer-pointing moments this year. The rest of the ACC already knows how good Singletary is; hopefully this is the year the rest of the country figures it out as well.

The Cavs supporting cast aint half bad either. Adrian Joseph, when he’s not out killing people, has started to flourish in his role as a 3 jacking swingman who can jump out of the gym. What’s really impressive is his crashing the boards, pulling down over 8 a game to lead the team. Mamadi Diane is maddeningly inconsistent, but when he is playing well, he’s lights out and very smooth.

Calvin Baker is a huge addition to the backcourt. A transfer from William and Mary, Baker led the team in scoring and assists as a frosh before transferring to Charlottesville. It’s so nice to have a guard that can spell Singletary both in scoring and ball handling, something the Cavs haven’t had in the last 3 years.

I love the swingmen and forwards that Leito has started to recruit. Jamil Tucker, Jeff Jones, Will Harris and Mike Scott all look comfortable on the floor and seem to know what they are doing. As Oceanliner compadre David “Wealth Manager: Gutierrez mentioned, “I feel cofident that Leito will continue to field a competitive team. And in the ACC, that’s all you can ask for.

Mikalauskas and Pettinella are not good. But they are basically the same player, which is nice because that means they have 10 fouls to give as a whole, instead of just one clumsy white big man. This is good because I think Lars and Pett are 1-2 in the nation in fouls per minute. Both are never looking to score, but can rebound decently and can get some nice put backs on offensive boards. Plus they can catch the ball, which is different than Tunji. Soroye simply cannot catch the ball while running, which is a real shame, because he turned into a fine defensive player.

The Oceanliner and a fellow UVA grad coworker have been scintillated by the fact that Pettenella could go an entire season with more fouls than points. As horrendous/hilarious as this may sound, he is on pace to do just that. Through the Syracuse game, Ryan had 17 fouls to just 15 points. This will obviously be tracked throughout the season.

Is there a more awkward player in the nation than Larunas Mikalauskas? I think not, and I dare someone to prove me otherwise. Anyone who saw Lars celebrating after beating Arizona knows what I’m talking about. Plus, his haircut looks so bad when he starts sweating its unbelievable. His bowl cut looks like a series of drapes across his forehead 30 seconds into the game. Frankenstein needs to go back to the buzz cut, pronto.

Now onto thoughts of some of the other teams I have seen play in the early going.

I watched the entire Duke-Marquette game over Thanksgiving break in the final of the Maui Classic. I hate to admit it, but the Dookies are going to be really freakin good this year. They have a very nice collection of players, with no real superstar, but very high quality basketball players. Nelson is going to be the anchor, and is very unselfish. Henderson is really coming into his own as a freak above the rim kinda guy who brings instant energy to the team. Paulus and Scheyer can do just enough with the talent around them to contribute. And Kyle Singler is a stud. The next Duke white guy I’m going to love to hate has the inside outside game to really be a force. They beat a good Marquette team fairly easily, and they have not even begun to mesh. Dook-Carolina is always a good one, but both teams this year are L.O.A.D.E.D. I can’t wait.

I hope Brandan Wright is liking the nomadic life of an NBA bench warmer in Golden State rather than having the time of his life at Chapel Hill and contending for a national championship. Loser.

We had a Gary Forbes sighting! The ex Cavalier who “transferred” to UMASS (after flunking out of UVA) had 23 points, 6 boards and 7 assists in the Minutemen’s upset win over the Cuse. He’s averaging 21 points and 7 rebounds per game for the season. I’m happy for Forbes. He was always one of the nicest guys to the managers when I was doing that stint, and never took a series off. The guy always busted his ass on the floor, even when Leito made the switch to him coming off the bench.

The new rule where kids have to go to college for one year is a joke. If the NBA really wanted to make it worthwhile for a kid to get an education, they would have made a minimum of 2-3 years. To be eligible for only one year you honestly never have to go to class. If you never went to a single class first semester, they would but you on academic warning. Then you would skip your 2nd semester classes and by the time the school suspended you, you’re in the NBA. All you would have to do is not kill or rape someone, and you would be eligible. Granted, this is only the case for 5-6 college freshman who would have been guaranteed to go top 10 (Michael Beasley, OJ Mayo, Kevin Love), but the rule is a joke. The NBA doesn’t even need it. Can you imagine LeBron James if he had to go to college for a year? Dwight Howard? Garnett? Kobe? It would have been a comedy of errors. It is a good rule in football, because rarely could a high school senior play in the NFL the next year, if ever. But basketball is so much simpler and there is so much less body maturing to do. J.O.K.E.

I realize that players love baggy shorts, but it really has gone too far. I was watching the Texas-UCLA game the other night and The Oceanliner and Beercan both noticed how comically large Texas point guard DJ Ausgustin’s shorts were. Take a look at how hilariously long they are. That’s got to affect your mobility.Well, that about covers it for this week. The Oceanliner is excited about all of the holiday parties coming up, plus the Christmas season in general. Also, a New Year’s Day bowl is an awesome reward for a good season. I’m very excited about waking up very hazily in ’08 and being able to turn the Cavs on at 1pm. Terrific. Hope everyone is doing well out there. Until next time, stay safe and stay real.