Oelschlager 1, King 0
I call Peter King a moron seemingly every week, yet all these attacks are based on his current observations, and are tough to concretely denounce. But now I have red handed proof, uncovered by myself no less, showing what a buffoon King is and how horrible his coverage of the NFL has become, even though he gets a lavish salary to do so on three different mediums (Sports Illustrated, SI.com and NBC).
Loyal Oceanliner readers will remember a segment I created specifically because of King called Instant History. It was part of my March 28, 2008 post called Instant Coffee. My post was in response to this “gut feeling” King had about the Jacksonville Jaguars which he wrote about in his pitiful Monday Morning Quarterback column:
“I think as the days go by, I’m talking myself more and more into Jacksonville being a serious Super Bowl Contender. Maybe the most serious Super Bowl contender in the AFC.”
This was my immediate and incredulous response.
“This guy gets paid to write about the NFL? Does this guy really think the Jaguars are the team to beat in the American Football Conference? The same AFC that the Patriots are in, who were 2 minutes away from running the table last year? The same AFC that the Colts are in, who have won 5 consecutive South division titles (this is the Jaguars division by the way)? The same AFC that the Chargers are in, who underachieved last year and still got to the conference title game (one round farther than the Jaguars)? Jacksonville was lucky to get past the first round of the playoffs last year, and will be lucky to do the same in 2008. Hell, they might not even make the playoffs. In my opinion, New England, Indy and San Diego are all significantly better than Jacksonville. I also believe that Cleveland and Pittsburgh are better than Jacksonville. I think the Jaguars are going to be fighting for the last playoff spot in the AFC with the rest of the mediocre peons in the conference: Denver, Houston, Tennessee, Buffalo, the Jets, etc.”
I was so flabbergasted by this “expert’s” analysis that I created Instant History, again described in my March post below:
“King’s statement of Jacksonville being the top contender in the AFC is so preposterous that I am creating a new Oceanliner Original Feature. I am calling it Instant History. I am going to take predictions that are so bad in my opinion and put them in a time capsule to see how they stand up to the test of time. We can set the date to re open Peter King’s gut feeling exactly 7 months from today, December 28th, 2008, which is the day the Jags conclude their regular season with an away game against the Ravens. We will then see if the Jaguars are the top contender in the AFC, or if they are just a bunch of jokers.”
Well folks, the Jags are such a bunch of jokers that we don’t need to wait for this Sunday’s game against the Ravens. This is partially due to their pathetic 5-10 record, but more because I will be on vacation right after that game happens (see Column, how to mail one in). The real joker, of course, is King, whose “top contender in the AFC” is the 8th worst team in the league. Now I realize that I was not correct about San Diego (who still might make the playoffs) or Cleveland and said nothing about the Ravens, but, wait for it, I’m a random blogger and King “analyzes” the NFL for Sports Illustrated. What a joke of talent evaluation, both by King and SI.
Roller Blading 1, Common Sense 0
Last week I was driving back to work from lunch and it was raining like crazy. What do I see gliding down the sidewalk but a roller blader with a backpack on. This poor dude was blading up a hill in the rain. Needless to say he did not look like he was having fun. Whatever circumstances led him to roller blade in a driving rainstorm could not have been good.
Bengals Announcers 1, Ken Dorsey 0
Every Monday I watch the highlight packages that NFL.com puts together to recap all of the weekend games. They have two different types, and both are great. One includes full commentary from Rich Eisen, Deion Sanders and Steve Mariuci. These recaps are especially good for exciting and meaningful games, as each highlight package lasts 4-5 minutes that includes drive progressions and analysis. Eisen and the boys do not do as good of a job for clunker or irrelevant games, giving them only 1-2 minutes each. But the second NFL.com package of highlights includes all of the good plays (scoring plays, amazing catches, nice runs, stiff arms, sacks, turnovers, etc.) of a given game, accompanied by the radio calls of those plays. Thus each game gets 4-5 minutes, regardless of the importance or score. I highly recommend NFL.com as a source of video football highlights over the joke that SportsCenter and The Blitz has become.
An added benefit to the big play, highlight-only packages is that you get to hear some awesome home team radio calls. My favorite from this past weekend was a call from the Bengals-Browns game (sidetrack, woof) in which Ken Dorsey, starting “quarterback” of the Browns, lined up in the shotgun. The Bengals radio announcer immediately perked up like a kid in a candy store and proclaimed
“Dorsey in the shotgun, this is what we like to see!”
Dorsey of course proceeded to throw a pick on the play. The tone of excitement in which the Bengal’s play-by-play man used in mocking the other team’s quarterback was priceless. Come to think of it, that’s exactly how I would always feel when Virginia Tech would for some unknown reason put Sean Glennon in at quarterback over Tyrod Taylor. That was like an early Christmas present.
Oelschlager 30, Caldwell 0
At a Christmas party two weeks ago, Tyler and I were beer pong partners, and of course, bet against each other on who could make the most cups. Five dollars a cup and 5 games of domination later netted me a sweet $30 from Liutenant Caldwell. The second best part (besides taking Tyler’s money) was the scared and confused looks on the other team’s face when I would sink a cup and my partner would get furious.
Moyer 46, Phillies Oblivious
Earlier this month the Phillies signed pitcher Jamie Moyer to a two-year extension. The hilarious part is that Moyer is 46 years old, easily already the oldest player in baseball. Sounds like a shaky deal to me, but these are the World Champs. And it’s not like Moyer was chump change in 2008. Far from it in fact. The crafty lefty was 16-7 with a 3.71 ERA. Astounding numbers for a pitcher that old that can barely hit 80 mph on the radar gun.
Line Stealing 1, Integrity 0
The Oceanliner would like to credit my high school buddy Ian Beed for the following line.
“Part of me hopes that Chad Ocho Cinco gets traded to a team that already has a player who wears number 85, and he’s forced to pick another number. Now that would be funny”.
I don’t know if Beed stole that line from somewhere else, but it’s freaking hilarious.
2008
Over. This is the Oceanliner signing off for the year. I’ll be back again in 2009. Godspeed.
December 23, 2008
December 18, 2008
Football and Fluff
It’s time to talk about football. I have been ignoring the NFL for way too long now. It’s also time, as always, to talk about amusing anecdotes that occurred since last week. It’s time for a Football and Fluff column.
Football: The most impressive team in the NFL right now is the Carolina Panthers. They play great defense, allowing less than 19 points per game. They run the ball amazingly well as they are 4th in the league in rushing yards per game and tied for 1st in yards per carry at an amazing 4.8. They have a fearless quarterback who isn’t afraid to take risks, although this could come back and kill the Cats if Delhomme has a bad game. They have a break-the-game-open wide receiver in Smitty and a superb possession receiver with Moose. They have done all of this while playing in a very hard division. If they lock up home field against the G-Men this week, the Panthers are going to be very dangerous.
One amazing thing about the Panthers is that DeAngelo Williams (who is 4th in the NFL in rushing despite sharing the load with fellow stud Jonathan Stewart) has not fumbled the ball at all this year in 224 carries. Having a baller-ass RB who doesn’t cough the ball up is huge, especially in the playoffs. Delving deeper into Williams’ career stats reveals that he has only fumbled twice in his NFL career. That’s two fumbles in 567 career touches. Spectacular.
Fluff: There is nothing more awkward than privileged white kids performing tribal African dance moves, yet choral conductors and music teachers from around the world continue to force this awkwardness upon us. On Sunday, Potts, Emily Austin and I went to the National Cathedral to see a Christmas concert (yeah, cute and trendy as hell, I know). The high school choirs from St. Alban’s and National Cathedral School performed, and they were excellent. Their last song was a native South African tribal song, and actually sounded pretty good. Their teacher however, made them do a little shimmy dance while they performed the song, complete with hand gestures and foot stomping. Every kid on stage looked embarrassed as hell as they did the moves, as they should. It ruined the performance. It works when, you know, Africans do African tribal dance moves. It does not work when rich white kids do them. This needs to stop.
Football: Earlier this week, Trent Dilfer was asked who he thought was the better team, the Giants or the Panthers. I immediately thought he was going to say the Panthers, simply based on the fact that they have won 3 straight games and the Giants have lost 2 in a row. Too many talking heads proclaim that the hottest team at the moment is the best team in the entire league (see King, Peter; putting the Eagles at number 6). They seem afraid to claim that the best team overall is the one that isn’t playing the best right now. Dilfer said that he still thought the Giants were the better team, and even though I thought he was wrong, I admired him having the nuts enough to say what he thought, and not what would make him look good. This paragraph is really confusing. Onto some more fluff.
Fluff: In my current rental car (an awful Chevy Impala), there is a feature where if you pressed the window down button for more than a second, the window would go down all the way even if you let go of the button. Great feature. But to roll the window up you had to hold the button the whole time. Why would someone design a window like that? Who would prefer a window that had an auto feature going down but not up? “I’m in Pychoville and Finkle’s the mayor!”
Football: It’s a joke that Brett Favre made the Pro Bowl over Phil Rivers. Rivers has the best passer rating in the NFL, much less the AFC. Favre is 15th. Rivers has thrown 28 touchdowns and 11 interceptions. Favre has 21 TD’s and 17 picks. The Chargers are 6-8 because Rivers has salvaged whatever he could from the season (and they should be 7-7 if not for the horrible Hochuli call in week 2). The Jets are 9-5 despite of Favre’s anti-heroics. Joke city.
Fluff: Last year in the Ribrary, Schling still made peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. I didn’t even know that stuff still existed.
Football: Adrian Peterson is the clear MVP of the league in my book. He is the leading rusher in football and still averages 4.9 yards per carry despite facing probably more 8+ man fronts than any back in the league. He is so good that he has made Gus Ferotte and Tarvaris Jackson look like decent quarterbacks this season. Without AP, the Vikes would be 2-12 instead of 9-5. Minny is 8-2 over their last 10 games. I wouldn’t want to play them in the playoffs.
Fluff: There is a street near my office named Temporary Road, even though it is clearly there to stay, as it is made with concrete, has a stoplight and gets a lot of traffic. Odd.
Football: Sammy Baugh, the legendary Redskins player, passed away on Wednesday. It wasn’t until I was reading the article about his death that I realized how ridiculously good and versatile he was. In 1943, Baugh led the league in passing, punting and defensive interceptions. What an extreme badass. He still owns the single season per punt average of 51.4 yards. He had one game where he threw for four touchdowns and also had four interceptions. He was also a hardass, playing his whole career without a facemask. He is one person who may have been able to out stone-face me. Sammy Baugh, the Oceanliner salutes you (I’m sure that’s his ultimate honor).
Fluff: This is the preposterous picture on the cover of the most recent J.Crew catalogue.
Seriously? So what this picture is telling me is that these two losers got in their fur-coated canoe and went to the Artic ice cap to get a Christmas tree? And that they did it with no oars? And that after going all the way there they picked out the smallest and pansiest Christmas tree of all time? I’m not buying it. Something fishy is going on here.
Football: In an act of high comedy, Chiefs coach Herman Edwards released a book called “You Play to Win the Game”, stemming from a hilarious news conference he once gave. Edwards’ career record as an NFL head coach is 53-72. What a loser.
Fluff: At a Starbucks recently, the woman who poured my coffee needed to dump some out because she had filled the cup too high. She proceeded to pour out some of the scalding hot coffee directly onto the hands of one of her co-workers who had just finished washing her hands.
Football: Please can it end, for the love of God. Don Banks, NFL writer for Sports Illustrated, referred to the Santonio Holmes controversial catch at the end of the Steelers-Ravens game as “plane-gate”, as in did the ball cross the plane of the goal line. Spygate was bad enough. Plane-gate is freaking terrible.
Fluff: I got nothing. I’m out of amusing anecdotes, that’s it for this week folks. There will be one more Oceanliner column in 2008 before I head down to Florida for Christmas and out to Colorado to ski the week after that. After that, you will have to wait for ’09 for more new and exciting Oceanliner original features. By the way, does anyone have a pair of ski pants I can borrow? Let me know. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and boogie away.
Football: The most impressive team in the NFL right now is the Carolina Panthers. They play great defense, allowing less than 19 points per game. They run the ball amazingly well as they are 4th in the league in rushing yards per game and tied for 1st in yards per carry at an amazing 4.8. They have a fearless quarterback who isn’t afraid to take risks, although this could come back and kill the Cats if Delhomme has a bad game. They have a break-the-game-open wide receiver in Smitty and a superb possession receiver with Moose. They have done all of this while playing in a very hard division. If they lock up home field against the G-Men this week, the Panthers are going to be very dangerous.
One amazing thing about the Panthers is that DeAngelo Williams (who is 4th in the NFL in rushing despite sharing the load with fellow stud Jonathan Stewart) has not fumbled the ball at all this year in 224 carries. Having a baller-ass RB who doesn’t cough the ball up is huge, especially in the playoffs. Delving deeper into Williams’ career stats reveals that he has only fumbled twice in his NFL career. That’s two fumbles in 567 career touches. Spectacular.
Fluff: There is nothing more awkward than privileged white kids performing tribal African dance moves, yet choral conductors and music teachers from around the world continue to force this awkwardness upon us. On Sunday, Potts, Emily Austin and I went to the National Cathedral to see a Christmas concert (yeah, cute and trendy as hell, I know). The high school choirs from St. Alban’s and National Cathedral School performed, and they were excellent. Their last song was a native South African tribal song, and actually sounded pretty good. Their teacher however, made them do a little shimmy dance while they performed the song, complete with hand gestures and foot stomping. Every kid on stage looked embarrassed as hell as they did the moves, as they should. It ruined the performance. It works when, you know, Africans do African tribal dance moves. It does not work when rich white kids do them. This needs to stop.
Football: Earlier this week, Trent Dilfer was asked who he thought was the better team, the Giants or the Panthers. I immediately thought he was going to say the Panthers, simply based on the fact that they have won 3 straight games and the Giants have lost 2 in a row. Too many talking heads proclaim that the hottest team at the moment is the best team in the entire league (see King, Peter; putting the Eagles at number 6). They seem afraid to claim that the best team overall is the one that isn’t playing the best right now. Dilfer said that he still thought the Giants were the better team, and even though I thought he was wrong, I admired him having the nuts enough to say what he thought, and not what would make him look good. This paragraph is really confusing. Onto some more fluff.
Fluff: In my current rental car (an awful Chevy Impala), there is a feature where if you pressed the window down button for more than a second, the window would go down all the way even if you let go of the button. Great feature. But to roll the window up you had to hold the button the whole time. Why would someone design a window like that? Who would prefer a window that had an auto feature going down but not up? “I’m in Pychoville and Finkle’s the mayor!”
Football: It’s a joke that Brett Favre made the Pro Bowl over Phil Rivers. Rivers has the best passer rating in the NFL, much less the AFC. Favre is 15th. Rivers has thrown 28 touchdowns and 11 interceptions. Favre has 21 TD’s and 17 picks. The Chargers are 6-8 because Rivers has salvaged whatever he could from the season (and they should be 7-7 if not for the horrible Hochuli call in week 2). The Jets are 9-5 despite of Favre’s anti-heroics. Joke city.
Fluff: Last year in the Ribrary, Schling still made peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. I didn’t even know that stuff still existed.
Football: Adrian Peterson is the clear MVP of the league in my book. He is the leading rusher in football and still averages 4.9 yards per carry despite facing probably more 8+ man fronts than any back in the league. He is so good that he has made Gus Ferotte and Tarvaris Jackson look like decent quarterbacks this season. Without AP, the Vikes would be 2-12 instead of 9-5. Minny is 8-2 over their last 10 games. I wouldn’t want to play them in the playoffs.
Fluff: There is a street near my office named Temporary Road, even though it is clearly there to stay, as it is made with concrete, has a stoplight and gets a lot of traffic. Odd.
Football: Sammy Baugh, the legendary Redskins player, passed away on Wednesday. It wasn’t until I was reading the article about his death that I realized how ridiculously good and versatile he was. In 1943, Baugh led the league in passing, punting and defensive interceptions. What an extreme badass. He still owns the single season per punt average of 51.4 yards. He had one game where he threw for four touchdowns and also had four interceptions. He was also a hardass, playing his whole career without a facemask. He is one person who may have been able to out stone-face me. Sammy Baugh, the Oceanliner salutes you (I’m sure that’s his ultimate honor).
Fluff: This is the preposterous picture on the cover of the most recent J.Crew catalogue.
Seriously? So what this picture is telling me is that these two losers got in their fur-coated canoe and went to the Artic ice cap to get a Christmas tree? And that they did it with no oars? And that after going all the way there they picked out the smallest and pansiest Christmas tree of all time? I’m not buying it. Something fishy is going on here.Football: In an act of high comedy, Chiefs coach Herman Edwards released a book called “You Play to Win the Game”, stemming from a hilarious news conference he once gave. Edwards’ career record as an NFL head coach is 53-72. What a loser.
Fluff: At a Starbucks recently, the woman who poured my coffee needed to dump some out because she had filled the cup too high. She proceeded to pour out some of the scalding hot coffee directly onto the hands of one of her co-workers who had just finished washing her hands.
Football: Please can it end, for the love of God. Don Banks, NFL writer for Sports Illustrated, referred to the Santonio Holmes controversial catch at the end of the Steelers-Ravens game as “plane-gate”, as in did the ball cross the plane of the goal line. Spygate was bad enough. Plane-gate is freaking terrible.
Fluff: I got nothing. I’m out of amusing anecdotes, that’s it for this week folks. There will be one more Oceanliner column in 2008 before I head down to Florida for Christmas and out to Colorado to ski the week after that. After that, you will have to wait for ’09 for more new and exciting Oceanliner original features. By the way, does anyone have a pair of ski pants I can borrow? Let me know. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and boogie away.
December 10, 2008
The Frozen Tundra
Well folks, the Oceanliner and Austin recently completed our epic trip to Green Bay to watch the Packers play the Texans at Lambeau Field. And to chronicle that journey, I have decided to pull a Dylan (Dylan…Hawkins? Porter? Porter-Hawkins? Sadie-Hawkins?) and mail it in with a photo diary of the odyssey. This photo diary however, will of course include hilarious, poignant and witty commentary from yours truly.
The first step of mailing in a post is to choose the least original title possible, which as you can see, I have already done. Only a complete hack would choose “The Frozen Tundra” as the title of a post about a trip to Green Bay.
The fun began even before we got to Green Bay, as the Milwaukee airport provided some early amusing anecdotes. First was the Salvation Army bell ringer, who was dutifully doing his job…while talking on his cell phone. How annoying would it be to have a conversation with this guy while he’s ringing a little bell the whole time? I’m going with infinitely annoying. Plus this dude is taking some of the aura out of the whole bell ringing gig. One cannot help feel a twinge of sympathy in seeing a Salvation Army bell ringer standing stoically outside of a Wal-Mart in the freezing cold, ringing their bell in mime-like silence. The dude in the airport maybe could have pulled it off by standing and stone-facing walker by’s. Instead, he was sitting in a chair, yapping on his cellie and pretending like the donation jar wasn’t even there. F.
Elsewhere in the terminal, Austin and I walked past a vending machine that was selling bouquet’s of roses for the incredible bargain of $20. Here begins the photo diary with a shot of said vending machine.
Note the Solo cups of water being used as temporary vases. I’m just mad that they don’t have this thing at Reagan in DC.
“Austin! Here are you Valentine’s Day flowers! I saw these wilted, cheap, deteriorating Solo cup-held flowers in an airport vending machine, and I immediately thought of you. No need to thank me. Enjoy.”
While we are talking about airports, I would like to give a shout out to Midwest Airlines, who pass out 2 free, warm, chocolate chip cookies to every passenger on their longer flights. What a pleasant surprise that was. Delicious. (Sorry, no picture of the cookies)
Having safely arrived in Green Bay, Austin and I made our way to the luxurious Howard Johnson Plaza Hotel, only 2 miles from the stadium. Waiting for us inside the lobby of the HoJo were, and I’m not kidding, a miniature bowling alley and a 9-hole putt putt course. See for yourself:
You stay classy, Green Bay.
Since this was probably going to be the only time we ever spent in Green Bay, we figured we might as well do it right. So our choice for dinner on Saturday was of course, Brett Favre’s Steakhouse. Realizing the hilarity of this choice, I sent out the following text to some people I know would appreciate it.
I’m at Brett Favre’s steakhouse, my world is turning upside down
Within minutes, Gutie’s response came flying in through cyberspace.
Please tell me there is a menu item somehow related to interceptions
Sadly there was not. Then this from Glubiak.
If you are wearing your customized 49ers jersey, dinner is on me. You need to start a J E T S, JETS JETS JETS cheer.
Again, sadly, I was not. And lastly my personal favorite from Fish.
Ha. Where is that? Is it delicious? Did they send your steak to the wrong table to simulate an interception?
Classic. And while I can’t stand watching number 4 on TV, I have to hand it to him; he put together on helluva steak house. The local beers on draft were fantastic ( I had a Brett’s VooDoo Brew and a Spotted Cow), there were at least 7 HD flat screen TV’s in the bar/waiting area showing the Big 12 title game, and the food was first class (think Morton’s or Ruth’s Chriss). At the end of the meal, and Austin can vouch for me, I did something I have never done before and will never do again; I raised my glass and toasted Brett Favre. Not about his playing football of course, but for his contribution to the steakhouse community at large.
Brett Favre as local God note number 1: A gift shop in the Milwaukee airport was selling Favre Jets jerseys. The same shop had a hoodie for sale that had a pouch in the chest for a beer bottle. Only in Milwaukee.
Game Day. Austin and I leave the hotel at 9am for a noon kickoff. As we are driving to the stadium, we see a sign that reads “Green Bay – Pop. 102,000”. The attendance at the game is later announced at 70,000 people. Go figure.
I got the Packer tickets from my aunt and uncle, and we meet up with friends of theirs to tailgate. It is an amazing spot. The backyard where we park backs up to the stadium. This picture shows how close we were to Lambeau.
It also shows Austin looking hilarious, exposing as little skin as possible. This is a good idea because of how freaking cold it was. We later learn that kickoff temperature was 3 degrees. Three. It was not warm.
This is the fire that we hovered around for most of the tailgate to keep warm. It is also the fire that we had to roast our beers over because they had frozen in our car the night before. Our hotel room didn’t have a fridge and I though they would stay cold in the car. Well, that worked a little too well, and I’m lucky now they didn’t explode.
We met this hilarious old guy at the tailgate who was probably around 70. He had a fur hat on and I asked him what kind of animal it was. He tells me that was an otter, and that he had trapped it himself in central Wisconsin. What a hardass. He is also wearing a fur coat, that turns out to be raccoon. I was disappointed to then find out that he had not killed the raccoons himself.
We then go into the stadium, which is freaking gorgeous. The inside of the stadium is immaculate. I’m blown away at how awesome it is. It is one solid bowl of 70,000 people, with all of the luxury boxes built on top of the bowl. Here is a good shot of that.
And here is proof we made it to the game.
And here is proof on how ridiculously cold it was.
Yes that is a beer that froze, and it only took about 45 minutes. Like I said, it was not warm. The locals were even saying how cold of a game it was, and this is Green Bay standards. Yikes. But we made it through the whole game (code: Austin made it through the whole game), and it was an amazing experience.
Brett Favre as local God note number 2: You know how the media reported that Green Bay fans still loved Brett Favre, but were ready to move on with Aaron Rodgers? Completely false. Every time Rodgers didn’t make a play, the fans in our section would scream “Favre would have made that pass!” or “Favre would have run for the first!”, even if it was 3rd and 15. These comments were said half jokingly, but still, they would prefer Brett Favre.
All in all, it was an amazing trip. The stadium was incredible, the game was exciting (24-21 Texans on a field goal as time expired, and we to see Matt Schaub throw for 414 yards), the food was spectacular (on Sunday night Austin and I had a bowls of beer-cheese soup before dinner), the beers were fantastic (I think I counted having 6 local microbrews during the trip) and the people were nice. And of course, in true Murphy’s Law fashion, it snowed a couple of inches on Sunday…after the game.
Oh well. While it would have been heaven to have been at Lambeau during a snowstorm, I can’t complain one bit.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. For those of you that are interested, I have created a College Bowl Pickem group on ESPN.com. Here is the link to that game. Once you sign up, search for a group called Deke For Rhodes Scholar and join the Oceanliner and others. There is no password and no entry fee. Just pride.
The first step of mailing in a post is to choose the least original title possible, which as you can see, I have already done. Only a complete hack would choose “The Frozen Tundra” as the title of a post about a trip to Green Bay.
The fun began even before we got to Green Bay, as the Milwaukee airport provided some early amusing anecdotes. First was the Salvation Army bell ringer, who was dutifully doing his job…while talking on his cell phone. How annoying would it be to have a conversation with this guy while he’s ringing a little bell the whole time? I’m going with infinitely annoying. Plus this dude is taking some of the aura out of the whole bell ringing gig. One cannot help feel a twinge of sympathy in seeing a Salvation Army bell ringer standing stoically outside of a Wal-Mart in the freezing cold, ringing their bell in mime-like silence. The dude in the airport maybe could have pulled it off by standing and stone-facing walker by’s. Instead, he was sitting in a chair, yapping on his cellie and pretending like the donation jar wasn’t even there. F.
Elsewhere in the terminal, Austin and I walked past a vending machine that was selling bouquet’s of roses for the incredible bargain of $20. Here begins the photo diary with a shot of said vending machine.
Note the Solo cups of water being used as temporary vases. I’m just mad that they don’t have this thing at Reagan in DC.“Austin! Here are you Valentine’s Day flowers! I saw these wilted, cheap, deteriorating Solo cup-held flowers in an airport vending machine, and I immediately thought of you. No need to thank me. Enjoy.”
While we are talking about airports, I would like to give a shout out to Midwest Airlines, who pass out 2 free, warm, chocolate chip cookies to every passenger on their longer flights. What a pleasant surprise that was. Delicious. (Sorry, no picture of the cookies)
Having safely arrived in Green Bay, Austin and I made our way to the luxurious Howard Johnson Plaza Hotel, only 2 miles from the stadium. Waiting for us inside the lobby of the HoJo were, and I’m not kidding, a miniature bowling alley and a 9-hole putt putt course. See for yourself:
You stay classy, Green Bay.Since this was probably going to be the only time we ever spent in Green Bay, we figured we might as well do it right. So our choice for dinner on Saturday was of course, Brett Favre’s Steakhouse. Realizing the hilarity of this choice, I sent out the following text to some people I know would appreciate it.
I’m at Brett Favre’s steakhouse, my world is turning upside down
Within minutes, Gutie’s response came flying in through cyberspace.
Please tell me there is a menu item somehow related to interceptions
Sadly there was not. Then this from Glubiak.
If you are wearing your customized 49ers jersey, dinner is on me. You need to start a J E T S, JETS JETS JETS cheer.
Again, sadly, I was not. And lastly my personal favorite from Fish.
Ha. Where is that? Is it delicious? Did they send your steak to the wrong table to simulate an interception?
Classic. And while I can’t stand watching number 4 on TV, I have to hand it to him; he put together on helluva steak house. The local beers on draft were fantastic ( I had a Brett’s VooDoo Brew and a Spotted Cow), there were at least 7 HD flat screen TV’s in the bar/waiting area showing the Big 12 title game, and the food was first class (think Morton’s or Ruth’s Chriss). At the end of the meal, and Austin can vouch for me, I did something I have never done before and will never do again; I raised my glass and toasted Brett Favre. Not about his playing football of course, but for his contribution to the steakhouse community at large.
Brett Favre as local God note number 1: A gift shop in the Milwaukee airport was selling Favre Jets jerseys. The same shop had a hoodie for sale that had a pouch in the chest for a beer bottle. Only in Milwaukee.
Game Day. Austin and I leave the hotel at 9am for a noon kickoff. As we are driving to the stadium, we see a sign that reads “Green Bay – Pop. 102,000”. The attendance at the game is later announced at 70,000 people. Go figure.
I got the Packer tickets from my aunt and uncle, and we meet up with friends of theirs to tailgate. It is an amazing spot. The backyard where we park backs up to the stadium. This picture shows how close we were to Lambeau.
It also shows Austin looking hilarious, exposing as little skin as possible. This is a good idea because of how freaking cold it was. We later learn that kickoff temperature was 3 degrees. Three. It was not warm.
This is the fire that we hovered around for most of the tailgate to keep warm. It is also the fire that we had to roast our beers over because they had frozen in our car the night before. Our hotel room didn’t have a fridge and I though they would stay cold in the car. Well, that worked a little too well, and I’m lucky now they didn’t explode.
We met this hilarious old guy at the tailgate who was probably around 70. He had a fur hat on and I asked him what kind of animal it was. He tells me that was an otter, and that he had trapped it himself in central Wisconsin. What a hardass. He is also wearing a fur coat, that turns out to be raccoon. I was disappointed to then find out that he had not killed the raccoons himself.
We then go into the stadium, which is freaking gorgeous. The inside of the stadium is immaculate. I’m blown away at how awesome it is. It is one solid bowl of 70,000 people, with all of the luxury boxes built on top of the bowl. Here is a good shot of that.
And here is proof we made it to the game.
And here is proof on how ridiculously cold it was.
Yes that is a beer that froze, and it only took about 45 minutes. Like I said, it was not warm. The locals were even saying how cold of a game it was, and this is Green Bay standards. Yikes. But we made it through the whole game (code: Austin made it through the whole game), and it was an amazing experience.Brett Favre as local God note number 2: You know how the media reported that Green Bay fans still loved Brett Favre, but were ready to move on with Aaron Rodgers? Completely false. Every time Rodgers didn’t make a play, the fans in our section would scream “Favre would have made that pass!” or “Favre would have run for the first!”, even if it was 3rd and 15. These comments were said half jokingly, but still, they would prefer Brett Favre.
All in all, it was an amazing trip. The stadium was incredible, the game was exciting (24-21 Texans on a field goal as time expired, and we to see Matt Schaub throw for 414 yards), the food was spectacular (on Sunday night Austin and I had a bowls of beer-cheese soup before dinner), the beers were fantastic (I think I counted having 6 local microbrews during the trip) and the people were nice. And of course, in true Murphy’s Law fashion, it snowed a couple of inches on Sunday…after the game.
Oh well. While it would have been heaven to have been at Lambeau during a snowstorm, I can’t complain one bit.Well, that’s it for this week folks. For those of you that are interested, I have created a College Bowl Pickem group on ESPN.com. Here is the link to that game. Once you sign up, search for a group called Deke For Rhodes Scholar and join the Oceanliner and others. There is no password and no entry fee. Just pride.
Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and bundle up.
PS - I had to share this paragraph that Steve Czaban wrote about Peter King being a moron. One week after a great SI article, he comes back with this bologna. It’s like he’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in terms of print vs. online. Enjoy.
“How do you know Peter King is an idiot? He’s got Philadelphia ranked as his #6 ranked NFL team right now, ahead of the entire NFC South (Tampa Bay #7, Atlanta #9, Carolina #10). It will not shock anybody that King just happened to cover Philly’s win over a clearly distracted Giants team on Sunday. Like any mark, King is easily swayed by the last thing he saw, and by whatever he happens to cover in person. His blog at SI.com is very entertaining, in an unintentionally funny way. But it provides some of the worst NFL “analysis” of any writer who has covered the league for more than 5 minutes.”
Absolutely dead on. Priceress.
PS - I had to share this paragraph that Steve Czaban wrote about Peter King being a moron. One week after a great SI article, he comes back with this bologna. It’s like he’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in terms of print vs. online. Enjoy.
“How do you know Peter King is an idiot? He’s got Philadelphia ranked as his #6 ranked NFL team right now, ahead of the entire NFC South (Tampa Bay #7, Atlanta #9, Carolina #10). It will not shock anybody that King just happened to cover Philly’s win over a clearly distracted Giants team on Sunday. Like any mark, King is easily swayed by the last thing he saw, and by whatever he happens to cover in person. His blog at SI.com is very entertaining, in an unintentionally funny way. But it provides some of the worst NFL “analysis” of any writer who has covered the league for more than 5 minutes.”
Absolutely dead on. Priceress.
December 04, 2008
Quietly in to the Night
And with a whimper, the UVA football season slowly came to a close. The Oceanliner was in Charlotte for Thanksgiving and got to watch the Tech game with Austin, birthday boy Potts and Tyler, which was fun. Plus we gave the Hokies a better game than I thought we would have. We had a chance to win in the fourth quarter, which is all you can really ask for. But a Favre-esque back breaking interception from Marc Verica ended the game and Virginia’s season. Two things here:
1) It was a horrendous pass. Truly God awful
2) I don’t trust people name Marc who spell their name with a c. Weird.
The Hoos “offense” did provide some entertainment value however, by running the Wildcat formation for most of the game. I can’t imagine what people who don’t follow the ACC must have been thinking if they tuned in for the game.
“Wait, you’re telling me that the starting Virginia cornerback, who hasn’t taken a rep at quarterback since high school, has taken 75% of the snaps in the biggest rivalry game of the season? What kind of Looney Tunes ship are they running in Charlottesville?”
And they would be exactly right. Except I kind of liked it. If Vic Hall is in at quarterback and running every time, there’s no way Verica can throw an interception on the same play. It almost worked too. Hall ran 16 times. 13 of these runs were completely stuffed. But of the other three, two went for touchdowns and the other for 39 yards and into Hokie territory in the 4th quarter, only down by a figgie. Then Verica comes in and throws a pick. A horrific and putrid interception. His 16th of the season. That was tied for 5th in the country. Plus he only threw 8 touchdowns. Not good. When we were riding out four game winning streak, Verica looked good and seemed like he was steadily improving every game. Well, he must have hit a wall, because he ended terribly and looks very shaky going into 2009.
Another thing about that four game winning streak and the Hoos very strange season. If you look at our results against D1A teams (so excluding Richmond), we started 0-3 (losing by an average of 36 points per game by the way)…then won four games in a row…then lost four games in a row to finish the season. Weird again. After winning those 4 games in a row we were alone in first place in the Coastal. We finished the season 11th in the conference. Bizarre.
One last thing about us running the Wildcat. When Tyler and I saw us running it, we both thought,
“Oh no, they are going to start calling this something embarrassing like the Wild Wahoo”. *hanging heads in shame*
Not to be disappointed though, the ESPN announcers actually came up with something much worse, and started to call the formation the Wahoo Cat. Tyler and I were stunned. That just didn’t make sense at all. So we came up with a better name. If you are going to call it two animals, why not the Catfish formation? I like it. So if we start running this stuff again next year, call it the Catfish. Do it.
Quietly Perprexing
A week or two ago I went to the gym at my office before work to get a run in. When I walked into the gym, there was a small Asian man running on the treadmill…with no shoes on. Now this seemed strange to me, but the dude could have forgotten his shoes at home and still wanted to get his workout in. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt. But then the guy ends his run, turns around, sits down on the treadmill, and puts on a pair of shoes. Running shoes. Strange.
While we are on the topic of treadmills, I went to the gym at my parents’ apartment complex on the morning of Thanksgiving, so as to build up a bigger appetite. I get on the treadmill and it asks me to enter my weight…and prompts me for a number between 75 and 400 pounds. Two thoughts:
1) I’m no personal trainer, but something tells me a 400 pounder is going to need a little more than a treadmill. But hey, I guess you gotta start somewhere.
2) It’s hard to believe that the same piece or machinery, which looked very brittle and flimsy, would be able to accommodate both Mary Kate Olsen and Mark Mangino.
Quietly Complimentary
Peter King is a moron, but can still sometimes crank out a good article, and I must give credit where credit is due. King wrote an excellent piece in last week’s Sports Illustrated about linebackers in the NFL, and specifically how Derrick Brooks prepared for a game against Adrian Peterson and the Vikings. I highly recommend it. You can read it here.
It appears that when King actually has to revert to real journalism for a magazine article, instead of his Favre-idolizing and horrendous tangents in an online piece, that he can actually be eloquent and insightful.
Quietly Perplexing
At a rest area on the way back from Charlotte on Sunday, I saw a black guy wearing a Davis Akers Philadelphia Eagles jersey. I was puzzled. Why would a young black dude buy the jersey of a 33 year old, balding, white kicker? Why would anyone buy a David Akers jersey? Weird.
Quiet on the Court
In an NBA game a couple of weeks ago, David West of the Hornets played 36 minutes and only had 1 rebound. He is their starting power forward. What exactly was he doing? It seems like you would have to exert enormous amounts of energy to stay away from that many rebounds during the course of a game. Weird.
Loud and Clear
The NBA coaching carousel is a joke. When Eddie Jordan got fired by the Wizards recently, he had been the longest tenured coach in the Eastern Conference…with 5 years on the job. 15 teams in the conference, and not one coach with 5 years under his belt. Silly.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Austin and I are heading to Green Bay this weekend to take in a Packers game at the Frozen Tundra. I am ecstatic. One, because it will cross off a major sports milestone in my life. And two, I don’t have to watch Brett Favre play. Thank God. Keep it real everyone. I already know you will stay safe.
1) It was a horrendous pass. Truly God awful
2) I don’t trust people name Marc who spell their name with a c. Weird.
The Hoos “offense” did provide some entertainment value however, by running the Wildcat formation for most of the game. I can’t imagine what people who don’t follow the ACC must have been thinking if they tuned in for the game.
“Wait, you’re telling me that the starting Virginia cornerback, who hasn’t taken a rep at quarterback since high school, has taken 75% of the snaps in the biggest rivalry game of the season? What kind of Looney Tunes ship are they running in Charlottesville?”
And they would be exactly right. Except I kind of liked it. If Vic Hall is in at quarterback and running every time, there’s no way Verica can throw an interception on the same play. It almost worked too. Hall ran 16 times. 13 of these runs were completely stuffed. But of the other three, two went for touchdowns and the other for 39 yards and into Hokie territory in the 4th quarter, only down by a figgie. Then Verica comes in and throws a pick. A horrific and putrid interception. His 16th of the season. That was tied for 5th in the country. Plus he only threw 8 touchdowns. Not good. When we were riding out four game winning streak, Verica looked good and seemed like he was steadily improving every game. Well, he must have hit a wall, because he ended terribly and looks very shaky going into 2009.
Another thing about that four game winning streak and the Hoos very strange season. If you look at our results against D1A teams (so excluding Richmond), we started 0-3 (losing by an average of 36 points per game by the way)…then won four games in a row…then lost four games in a row to finish the season. Weird again. After winning those 4 games in a row we were alone in first place in the Coastal. We finished the season 11th in the conference. Bizarre.
One last thing about us running the Wildcat. When Tyler and I saw us running it, we both thought,
“Oh no, they are going to start calling this something embarrassing like the Wild Wahoo”. *hanging heads in shame*
Not to be disappointed though, the ESPN announcers actually came up with something much worse, and started to call the formation the Wahoo Cat. Tyler and I were stunned. That just didn’t make sense at all. So we came up with a better name. If you are going to call it two animals, why not the Catfish formation? I like it. So if we start running this stuff again next year, call it the Catfish. Do it.
Quietly Perprexing
A week or two ago I went to the gym at my office before work to get a run in. When I walked into the gym, there was a small Asian man running on the treadmill…with no shoes on. Now this seemed strange to me, but the dude could have forgotten his shoes at home and still wanted to get his workout in. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt. But then the guy ends his run, turns around, sits down on the treadmill, and puts on a pair of shoes. Running shoes. Strange.
While we are on the topic of treadmills, I went to the gym at my parents’ apartment complex on the morning of Thanksgiving, so as to build up a bigger appetite. I get on the treadmill and it asks me to enter my weight…and prompts me for a number between 75 and 400 pounds. Two thoughts:
1) I’m no personal trainer, but something tells me a 400 pounder is going to need a little more than a treadmill. But hey, I guess you gotta start somewhere.
2) It’s hard to believe that the same piece or machinery, which looked very brittle and flimsy, would be able to accommodate both Mary Kate Olsen and Mark Mangino.
Quietly Complimentary
Peter King is a moron, but can still sometimes crank out a good article, and I must give credit where credit is due. King wrote an excellent piece in last week’s Sports Illustrated about linebackers in the NFL, and specifically how Derrick Brooks prepared for a game against Adrian Peterson and the Vikings. I highly recommend it. You can read it here.
It appears that when King actually has to revert to real journalism for a magazine article, instead of his Favre-idolizing and horrendous tangents in an online piece, that he can actually be eloquent and insightful.
Quietly Perplexing
At a rest area on the way back from Charlotte on Sunday, I saw a black guy wearing a Davis Akers Philadelphia Eagles jersey. I was puzzled. Why would a young black dude buy the jersey of a 33 year old, balding, white kicker? Why would anyone buy a David Akers jersey? Weird.
Quiet on the Court
In an NBA game a couple of weeks ago, David West of the Hornets played 36 minutes and only had 1 rebound. He is their starting power forward. What exactly was he doing? It seems like you would have to exert enormous amounts of energy to stay away from that many rebounds during the course of a game. Weird.
Loud and Clear
The NBA coaching carousel is a joke. When Eddie Jordan got fired by the Wizards recently, he had been the longest tenured coach in the Eastern Conference…with 5 years on the job. 15 teams in the conference, and not one coach with 5 years under his belt. Silly.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Austin and I are heading to Green Bay this weekend to take in a Packers game at the Frozen Tundra. I am ecstatic. One, because it will cross off a major sports milestone in my life. And two, I don’t have to watch Brett Favre play. Thank God. Keep it real everyone. I already know you will stay safe.
November 19, 2008
Fashion Statement
Well, it’s that time of year again. College basketball season to be exact, when silly undergraduates annually look retarded by wearing XXXL t-shirts under their uniform. I caught my first glimpse of this train wreck last night while watching the Carolina-Kentucky game. Here is Ed Davis, prized freshman forward, playing for the number one team in the country, at home against a storied opponent in prime time…looking like a Busch league middle school kid wearing his lucky t-shirt under his jersey.
C’mon man, pull yourself together. There is a reason the NBA doesn’t let its players wear t-shirts under their jerseys. It looks stupid and immature. You are not in high school anymore buddy. I see it across most college teams in the country, and I wish it would end.
Now if Ed decides to get fashion advice from a teammate, it certainly shouldn’t be from Tyler Hansbrough. Pyscho T was rocking a black pinstripe suit with one of those trendy black business t-shirts while riding the bench last night, and well, it didn’t look good.
I don’t know if it was the colors, the Tiger Woods t-shirt, or the haircut, but it wasn’t flattering. Marcus Ginyard, sitting next to Hansbrough and also out injured, managed to put himself together quite nicely. Hansbrough just looks lost.
What do you think those two white guys are saying to each other next to Ginyard?
“Oh shit, the black guy is looking at us, don’t move”
or…
“Man, I gotta take a wicked dump, but we still got 15 minutes until halftime”
or maybe…
“How do you get your hair so silly smooth but still have so much volume at the same time?”
and finally…
“Tell me when that lady behind us looks away. She’s freaking me out with that botox grin plastered on her face”
Since this post has degenerated into a fashion critique (happy Austin?), I might as well bring up the “barista” at my local Starbucks who apparently doesn’t believe in belts. Seriously, every time I go in there the dude has his ‘Bucks “polo” shirt tucked into khakis with no belt on. C’mon, buddy, get with the program. Not only does it look stupid not wearing a belt, but it serves a valuable purpose, and this dudes pants are falling down.
I went and saw Quantum of Solace on Monday night, and it was hella badass. Daniel Craig is an awesome, hardass Bond who just loves to wreck people. And as we continue to walk down this fashion runway (runway, get it?), I must say I saw my vision of Rugged Luxury up on the screen. James Bond IS Rugged Luxury, and it is plenty obvious in the new movie. The costume designers must have read my post on J. Oelschlager and applied it to their creation of the Bond wardrobe. There’s no other way to explain it. When J. Oelschlager gets up and running, it will definitely be the official Bond wardrobe partner. Hell, the movie makers will probably pay me to dress Bond.
I finish this week with one of the more unbelievable anecdotes ever listed in this blog, but unfortunately you must be a UVA connoisseur to fully appreciate it. I was sitting around on Sunday afternoon when I got a text from a coworker of mine who was down in Charlottesville for the Hoos home basketball opener against VMI. It read:
Singing the national anthem…Benny Dodd.
I was flabbergasted. Floored. Stunned. The fact that the one and only Benny Dodd was honoring America at a UVA basketball game blew me away. I could maybe understand in February in the dog days of ACC play, if Littlepage got Dodd to do the national anthem because there was no one with a good voice within 20 miles of Charlottesville and tip-off was in 10 minutes. But this was the home opener! Benny Dodd! Well we know he wasn’t hard to find, all they had to do was go to Coupes. I immediately sprang to my phone and let everyone know and got these hilarious responses
From Rubiak; I hope that’s a good omen for our season but all signs point to definitely not
And from Eroder; He probably sang 8 words of it and let the crowd sing the rest
Maybe the funniest part is that I was told Benny didn’t even have his trusty guitar with him out there, he was just belting the anthem out!. I can’t even imagine the reaction of people there who didn’t know who Dodd was.
*For those who don’t know, Benny Dodd is a 400 pound, mammoth, waste of a man who has been playing cover songs (poorly, I might add) at the same small, completely underage bar in Charlottesville for the last 20 years.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Godspeed.
C’mon man, pull yourself together. There is a reason the NBA doesn’t let its players wear t-shirts under their jerseys. It looks stupid and immature. You are not in high school anymore buddy. I see it across most college teams in the country, and I wish it would end.Now if Ed decides to get fashion advice from a teammate, it certainly shouldn’t be from Tyler Hansbrough. Pyscho T was rocking a black pinstripe suit with one of those trendy black business t-shirts while riding the bench last night, and well, it didn’t look good.
I don’t know if it was the colors, the Tiger Woods t-shirt, or the haircut, but it wasn’t flattering. Marcus Ginyard, sitting next to Hansbrough and also out injured, managed to put himself together quite nicely. Hansbrough just looks lost.What do you think those two white guys are saying to each other next to Ginyard?
“Oh shit, the black guy is looking at us, don’t move”
or…
“Man, I gotta take a wicked dump, but we still got 15 minutes until halftime”
or maybe…
“How do you get your hair so silly smooth but still have so much volume at the same time?”
and finally…
“Tell me when that lady behind us looks away. She’s freaking me out with that botox grin plastered on her face”
Since this post has degenerated into a fashion critique (happy Austin?), I might as well bring up the “barista” at my local Starbucks who apparently doesn’t believe in belts. Seriously, every time I go in there the dude has his ‘Bucks “polo” shirt tucked into khakis with no belt on. C’mon, buddy, get with the program. Not only does it look stupid not wearing a belt, but it serves a valuable purpose, and this dudes pants are falling down.
I went and saw Quantum of Solace on Monday night, and it was hella badass. Daniel Craig is an awesome, hardass Bond who just loves to wreck people. And as we continue to walk down this fashion runway (runway, get it?), I must say I saw my vision of Rugged Luxury up on the screen. James Bond IS Rugged Luxury, and it is plenty obvious in the new movie. The costume designers must have read my post on J. Oelschlager and applied it to their creation of the Bond wardrobe. There’s no other way to explain it. When J. Oelschlager gets up and running, it will definitely be the official Bond wardrobe partner. Hell, the movie makers will probably pay me to dress Bond.
I finish this week with one of the more unbelievable anecdotes ever listed in this blog, but unfortunately you must be a UVA connoisseur to fully appreciate it. I was sitting around on Sunday afternoon when I got a text from a coworker of mine who was down in Charlottesville for the Hoos home basketball opener against VMI. It read:
Singing the national anthem…Benny Dodd.
I was flabbergasted. Floored. Stunned. The fact that the one and only Benny Dodd was honoring America at a UVA basketball game blew me away. I could maybe understand in February in the dog days of ACC play, if Littlepage got Dodd to do the national anthem because there was no one with a good voice within 20 miles of Charlottesville and tip-off was in 10 minutes. But this was the home opener! Benny Dodd! Well we know he wasn’t hard to find, all they had to do was go to Coupes. I immediately sprang to my phone and let everyone know and got these hilarious responses
From Rubiak; I hope that’s a good omen for our season but all signs point to definitely not
And from Eroder; He probably sang 8 words of it and let the crowd sing the rest
Maybe the funniest part is that I was told Benny didn’t even have his trusty guitar with him out there, he was just belting the anthem out!. I can’t even imagine the reaction of people there who didn’t know who Dodd was.
*For those who don’t know, Benny Dodd is a 400 pound, mammoth, waste of a man who has been playing cover songs (poorly, I might add) at the same small, completely underage bar in Charlottesville for the last 20 years.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Godspeed.
November 10, 2008
Sidetracked
Are you ready for some football? If you are…well, you’re not going to want to watch Monday Night Football, where my atrocious Niners are taking on the Cardinals, on the road no less.
Sidetrack Number 1: I am no fan of Chris Berman at this senile and Madden-like point in his career. His nicknames have gotten out of hand, but he gave one during the MNF pre-game show that made me chuckle by calling the Cardinals stadium The Big Toaster, due to the awkward opening in the top ala Texas Stadium. Tears of nostalgia came to me eyes thinking about when Berman actually bestowed good nicknames like Andre “Bad Moon” Rison and Curtis “My Favorite Martin”.
Sidetrack to a Sidetrack Number 1: Speaking of tears, I had to put this in here.
Sidetrack Number 1: I am no fan of Chris Berman at this senile and Madden-like point in his career. His nicknames have gotten out of hand, but he gave one during the MNF pre-game show that made me chuckle by calling the Cardinals stadium The Big Toaster, due to the awkward opening in the top ala Texas Stadium. Tears of nostalgia came to me eyes thinking about when Berman actually bestowed good nicknames like Andre “Bad Moon” Rison and Curtis “My Favorite Martin”.
Sidetrack to a Sidetrack Number 1: Speaking of tears, I had to put this in here.
I take absolutely no credit for this one. Glubiak sent me this one, and a Cheshire cat grin spread across my face. Even though the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets are winning games, Favre is still throwing the most horrific of interceptions, the ones where you can’t even see an offensive player in the screen. Bit I digress…
The 49ers are 2-6, have lost 5 games in a row and are starting the great Shaun Hill at quarterback. Yet I still sit here in my custom Oelschlager 49ers heresy pumped as hell about watching San Fran on national television. It doesn’t matter how bad they are or how many times Singletary drops his pants, its just exciting.
Sidetrack Number 2: So it turns out the legendary Shaun Hill is number 13. My custom 49ers Oelschlager threads are also graced with that luckiest of numbers. So I am inadvertently wearing a Shaun Hill jersey. Ye gods.
The ESPN idiots ran their usual 47 person pre-game show again, and useless banter was the norm as usual. One particular head slapper stood out on this night. Berman was talking about the Jets resurgence, and asked Trent Dilfer to explain how much of a difference new nose tackle Kris Jenkins had made on the Jets D-line. Dilfer replies,
“Boom, Jenkins has been indescribably good. He’s been a monster in the front, completely dominating the other team’s O-line…”
I stopped listening after that first sentence and a half. I was trying to wrap my head around what I had just heard. Trent, buddy, first you tell me that Jenkins has been “indescribably” good. Then, pal, you go on and try to, wait for it, describe how good Jenkins has played. I all for hyperbole, but this was ridiculous.
Sidetrack Number 3: I don’t know how I stumbled across this one, but there is a blog out there solely dedicated to covering terrible announcers. May I present the official Oceanliner endorsement to Awful Announcing at awfulannouncing.blogspot.com. It is a riot. And this isn’t one of those political if-you-do-me-I’ll-do-you endorsements. I have no idea who these guys are, but they are hilarious.
Back to the 103 person pre-game show on ESPN. (Their pre-game show is like Pig Gig. Every week/year it jumps by 34). They have expanded the pre-game pickem to a preposterous eight people. Stu Scott, Steve Young, Emmit Smith, Boomer, Chris Carter, Tom Jackson, Keyshawn and Ditka all imparted their sublime knowledge on the American people. And they all picked ‘Zone. John McCain is from Arizona and he lost. Idiots.
Sidetrack Number 4: This has nothing to do with anything, but how has Sean May gotten so fat?
I was doing some fantasy basketball research and clicked on May’s profile, and his picture made me jump back from my computer. Dude has more chins than a Chinese phonebook. Good god man, stop hanging out with Lendale White.
Sidetrack Number 5: Well, these aren’t really sidetracks anymore, more like my customary random thoughts. I was driving on the Beltway one morning last week and saw a woman who was talking on her cell phone and smoking a cigarette while somehow staying on the road. I wonder a lot how there are not more accidents on the road.
Sidetrack Number 6: Is the Sports Guy stealing from the Oceanliner???? Check out this column by Bill Simmons, posted on November 7th, 9 days after I decried the Toyota Saved by Zero commercials. You’re going to want to the passage after number 17 on the Saints. Look how eerily similar it is to my last post.
Here is Simmons’ column. Conspiracy?
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Take care.
October 29, 2008
Saved By Zero
Saved by zero. Saaaved by zero. Saaaved by zeeero. Toyota is doing some pretty effective marketing getting that song into my head when promoting their zero percent financing. And by effective I mean painstakingly annoying with the result of me wanting to throw a chair through my TV every time I hear it. The way the dude sings it makes it sound like the most important announcement made in the last 20 years, yet it couldn’t be more pointless. It didn’t help that they played that ad seemingly every commercial break during Saturday’s slate of college football. Give me peace. Give me savior. Not saaavvveed byyyyy zeroooooo.
The amount of over coverage and shameless self promotion reached a new low on Monday Night Countdown this week. By my count, there were nine people breaking down the action before the Colts-Titans game. Nine! Chris Berman, Tom Jackson, Keyshawn Johnson, Mike Ditka and Chris Carter were in the studio. Then they panned to a different part of the studio to get Trent Dilfer’s opinion. Then they went to Stuart Scott, Emmitt Smith and Steve Young who were at the game to get their opinions. Plus I’m sure they cut to Mort at some point for an injury update, that was probably wrong. Mort is always wrong. Jay Glazer at Fox routinely kicks Mort’s ass in delivering breaking news. This is on top of the overcrowded game call booth of Mike Tirico, Jaws and Tony Kornheiser. Don’t forget the two sideline reporters ESPN has for the game (one for each team of course), Suzy Kolber and Michelle Tafoya. And last but not least let’s remember that PTI broadcasts live from the site of MNF on Mondays, so Mike Wilbon was there too. I don’t even know what to say. I wonder how much time, effort and money ESPN wastes on this one program. Astounding.
Hey Glubiak, you having trouble remembering the URL of this blog? It’s not that hard. You see, my handy Site Meter tells me where people see my site from and what they search for. A couple times over the past three weeks there have been searches for “oceanliner, oelschlager” from South Royalton, Vermont. Vermont Law School happens to be in South Royalton, Vermont. Gee, I wonder who that could be. I'm keepin my eye on all of you.
With my 49ers falling into oblivion again, its time to look back at the 2005 NFL Draft to see where it all went wrong, when the 9ers wasted the number 1 overall pick on Tiny Hands Alex Smith. But then when you look back on it, you realize it was just a horrendous first round worth of talent. The 49ers just got bad luck in drawing the top pick in an off year. That’s no excuse though, they still chose horribly. But seriously, look at the top 10 picks from ’05:
Tiny Hands
Ronnie Brown
Braylon Edwards
Cedric “The Drunk Boater” Benson
Cadillac “Buick” Williams
Pacman Jones
Troy Williamson
Antrel Rolle
Carlos Rogers
Mike Williams
Woof. That’s like drawing first dibs on digging through trash. Before that years draft I was pissed that Matt Leinart returned for his senior year at USC instead of declaring for the draft and going number 1 to the 49ers. Now that he sucks too, the cold shoulder doesn’t sting as much.
So I took my car in for a safety inspection and oil change earlier this week. Afterwards, I pulled onto the highway and got up to cruising speed, when suddenly my car hit a pothole and the hood bounced up and down a little bit right in front of me. The dude at the shop had forgotten to latch my hood, and here I am hauling ass at 70 mph about to pull a Tommy Boy. This is not good. Fortunately there was an exit very close by and I pulled off and latched the hood. But good God. Safety inspection. Pffft, more like anti-safety inspection.
Zing!
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Saaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvveeeeeeeddddd byyyyyyyy zeeeeeeeeeee-rooooooooooooooo!
The amount of over coverage and shameless self promotion reached a new low on Monday Night Countdown this week. By my count, there were nine people breaking down the action before the Colts-Titans game. Nine! Chris Berman, Tom Jackson, Keyshawn Johnson, Mike Ditka and Chris Carter were in the studio. Then they panned to a different part of the studio to get Trent Dilfer’s opinion. Then they went to Stuart Scott, Emmitt Smith and Steve Young who were at the game to get their opinions. Plus I’m sure they cut to Mort at some point for an injury update, that was probably wrong. Mort is always wrong. Jay Glazer at Fox routinely kicks Mort’s ass in delivering breaking news. This is on top of the overcrowded game call booth of Mike Tirico, Jaws and Tony Kornheiser. Don’t forget the two sideline reporters ESPN has for the game (one for each team of course), Suzy Kolber and Michelle Tafoya. And last but not least let’s remember that PTI broadcasts live from the site of MNF on Mondays, so Mike Wilbon was there too. I don’t even know what to say. I wonder how much time, effort and money ESPN wastes on this one program. Astounding.
Hey Glubiak, you having trouble remembering the URL of this blog? It’s not that hard. You see, my handy Site Meter tells me where people see my site from and what they search for. A couple times over the past three weeks there have been searches for “oceanliner, oelschlager” from South Royalton, Vermont. Vermont Law School happens to be in South Royalton, Vermont. Gee, I wonder who that could be. I'm keepin my eye on all of you.
With my 49ers falling into oblivion again, its time to look back at the 2005 NFL Draft to see where it all went wrong, when the 9ers wasted the number 1 overall pick on Tiny Hands Alex Smith. But then when you look back on it, you realize it was just a horrendous first round worth of talent. The 49ers just got bad luck in drawing the top pick in an off year. That’s no excuse though, they still chose horribly. But seriously, look at the top 10 picks from ’05:
Tiny Hands
Ronnie Brown
Braylon Edwards
Cedric “The Drunk Boater” Benson
Cadillac “Buick” Williams
Pacman Jones
Troy Williamson
Antrel Rolle
Carlos Rogers
Mike Williams
Woof. That’s like drawing first dibs on digging through trash. Before that years draft I was pissed that Matt Leinart returned for his senior year at USC instead of declaring for the draft and going number 1 to the 49ers. Now that he sucks too, the cold shoulder doesn’t sting as much.
So I took my car in for a safety inspection and oil change earlier this week. Afterwards, I pulled onto the highway and got up to cruising speed, when suddenly my car hit a pothole and the hood bounced up and down a little bit right in front of me. The dude at the shop had forgotten to latch my hood, and here I am hauling ass at 70 mph about to pull a Tommy Boy. This is not good. Fortunately there was an exit very close by and I pulled off and latched the hood. But good God. Safety inspection. Pffft, more like anti-safety inspection.
Zing!
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Saaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvveeeeeeeddddd byyyyyyyy zeeeeeeeeeee-rooooooooooooooo!
October 20, 2008
Who Am I?
When did Butch Davis get replaced by a 13 year old girl as the head football coach of the North Carolina Tar Heels? I’m still trying to figure this one out after watching the pansiest set of play calls ever assembled on one football field. Maybe Davis went temporarily insane. Maybe Charlottesville makes every Carolina football team that visits forget how to tie their own shoes, evidenced by the Hoos 14 straight wins over the Tar Heels in God’s Garden. Or maybe Butch Davis really is more timid than said 13 year old girl on her first date. Whatever it was, it let the Hoos back into the game and led to one of the most exciting finishes in UVA football history. And to aid with the analysis, I’d like to play a little game.
Hi. I ordered four punts inside UVA territory. Who am I?
A) Clay Aiken
B) A 13 year old girl
C) Raggedy Ann the doll
D) Butch Davis
This was astounding. 4 early Christmas presents from good ole Butch. The last two were especially egregious. Both punts were in the third quarter, and on back to back possessions no less! The first was a 4th and 3 from the UVA 39, and seemingly 5 minutes later they booted the ball away again on 4th and 2 from the UVA 41 yard line. This is especially unbelievable considering Carolina had a running back in Shaun Draughn who would finish the day with 138 rushing yards on 4.6 yards per carry. Give him the ball! They could have iced the game on either of these possessions. Instead Davis showed absolute zero confidence in his offense and let the Cardiac Cavs linger around. Didn’t Davis see what UVA could do last year if you gave us a chance? As the punts sailed through the air, the Oceanliner laughed and said a silent prayer thanking Davis for cramping up so bad.
Moving on to door number two!
Hello. My defense allowed 168 yards and 3 points in the first 57 minutes of a football game by rushing 4 or 5 players on every snap and playing tight coverage in the secondary. Then for my opponents last drive I switched to a prevent, rushing only 3 and dropping my defensive backs into ridiculously loose and lenient coverage. They went 82 yards in 1 minute and 35 seconds and scored the game tying touchdown. Who am I?
A) Snow White
B) Yates Knowlton
C) In the Babysitters Club
D) Butch Davis
This drive was comical. Davis managed to make Matt Verica look like Joe Montana running the two-minute drill. The only thing Davis’ prevent accomplished was preventing Carolina from winning the game. On the last drive, Verica completed 7 consecutive passes. He had consecutive completions of 26, 7, 6, 16, 17, and 9 yards to get the Hoos to the Carolina two yard line. He then actually threw an incompletion, but only because you can’t run a prevent from the two yard line. I’m actually surprised Davis didn’t figure out a way to do it. This drive was hilarious because we actually left Carolina with too much time on the clock. Or so I thought…
Greetings. Coming into a football game last Saturday, my offense had averaged over 30 points per game. The game was tied and my team got the ball back with 47 seconds left at the 20 yard line. I “coach” college football, where the clock stops for a while after every first down. But instead of trying to score, I took a knee like a huge biotch and decided to go to overtime, when the momentum was clearly not on our side. Who am I?
A) A PETA activist
B) The Little Mermaid
C) That baby in the E*Trade commercial
D) Butch Davis
At this point I knew the game was ours. Davis had given up on the game and his players. The resulting overtime was awesome. I had about 10 people over at my house to watch the game and we were all going crazy. Good stuff. The win had more to do with the Cavs resilience than horrifically conservative play calling by Davis, but it didn’t help. Thanks Butchy Boy, I owe you one.
Somehow, the Hoos are now sitting in a tie for first (in the loss column) in the ACC, with monumental games coming up in the next five weeks. I for one, can’t wait, as Virginia football still means something heading into November, something I didn’t see happening when we were 1-3. Wahoowah, bitches.
I bought a single Gatorade from CVS last week and the receipt they gave me needed its own folder it was so big. I got home and measured it and the freakin thing was 35 inches long. Who the shit wants a 3 foot long receipt from a convenience store?
Insert self deprecating joke about me measuring a receipt I got.
I’m actually impressed with the Lions for their deal that sent Roy Williams to the Cowboys. Thank God they fired Matt Millen, because he never would have done something this shrewd. Williams was going to be a free agent at the end of the season, and there’s no way the Lions were going to re-sign him. So they went out and made a pretty good deal and netted some nice draft picks in return. They got a first, third, and sixth round pick for Williams and a seventh round pick. That’s a helluva haul for a really good but not awesome receiver that you were going to lose anyway. And it’s not like they were playing for anything this season.
So the silly Canadians had an election last week and elected this joker.
This dude’s hair is out of control. It looks like something they would glue on Darrell Hammond’s head before he did an SNL impression. Scary.
Washington State lost to USC 69-0 on Saturday. They have now been outscored 289-33 in their five PAC-10 losses. Woof. Count that as the most emphatic Oceanliner woof to date.
In my car over the weekend, I saw an old Asian woman walking down the street while twirling in circles. It didn’t appear she was dancing. Her arms were straight down at her sides and she was very rigid. But as she walked, she kept turning around in circles as she made her way forward. It’s a bizzaro world sometimes.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. I am having a Halloween party at my house this Saturday, so come on by if you can make it. It’s a week early, but its time to get in the mood. Show up without a costume though, and we have a box of sorority girl costumes that we will dress you up in. Seriously. Anyhoo, stay safe out there. Keep it real. And Butch Davis wears panty hose.
Hi. I ordered four punts inside UVA territory. Who am I?
A) Clay Aiken
B) A 13 year old girl
C) Raggedy Ann the doll
D) Butch Davis
This was astounding. 4 early Christmas presents from good ole Butch. The last two were especially egregious. Both punts were in the third quarter, and on back to back possessions no less! The first was a 4th and 3 from the UVA 39, and seemingly 5 minutes later they booted the ball away again on 4th and 2 from the UVA 41 yard line. This is especially unbelievable considering Carolina had a running back in Shaun Draughn who would finish the day with 138 rushing yards on 4.6 yards per carry. Give him the ball! They could have iced the game on either of these possessions. Instead Davis showed absolute zero confidence in his offense and let the Cardiac Cavs linger around. Didn’t Davis see what UVA could do last year if you gave us a chance? As the punts sailed through the air, the Oceanliner laughed and said a silent prayer thanking Davis for cramping up so bad.
Moving on to door number two!
Hello. My defense allowed 168 yards and 3 points in the first 57 minutes of a football game by rushing 4 or 5 players on every snap and playing tight coverage in the secondary. Then for my opponents last drive I switched to a prevent, rushing only 3 and dropping my defensive backs into ridiculously loose and lenient coverage. They went 82 yards in 1 minute and 35 seconds and scored the game tying touchdown. Who am I?
A) Snow White
B) Yates Knowlton
C) In the Babysitters Club
D) Butch Davis
This drive was comical. Davis managed to make Matt Verica look like Joe Montana running the two-minute drill. The only thing Davis’ prevent accomplished was preventing Carolina from winning the game. On the last drive, Verica completed 7 consecutive passes. He had consecutive completions of 26, 7, 6, 16, 17, and 9 yards to get the Hoos to the Carolina two yard line. He then actually threw an incompletion, but only because you can’t run a prevent from the two yard line. I’m actually surprised Davis didn’t figure out a way to do it. This drive was hilarious because we actually left Carolina with too much time on the clock. Or so I thought…
Greetings. Coming into a football game last Saturday, my offense had averaged over 30 points per game. The game was tied and my team got the ball back with 47 seconds left at the 20 yard line. I “coach” college football, where the clock stops for a while after every first down. But instead of trying to score, I took a knee like a huge biotch and decided to go to overtime, when the momentum was clearly not on our side. Who am I?
A) A PETA activist
B) The Little Mermaid
C) That baby in the E*Trade commercial
D) Butch Davis
At this point I knew the game was ours. Davis had given up on the game and his players. The resulting overtime was awesome. I had about 10 people over at my house to watch the game and we were all going crazy. Good stuff. The win had more to do with the Cavs resilience than horrifically conservative play calling by Davis, but it didn’t help. Thanks Butchy Boy, I owe you one.
Somehow, the Hoos are now sitting in a tie for first (in the loss column) in the ACC, with monumental games coming up in the next five weeks. I for one, can’t wait, as Virginia football still means something heading into November, something I didn’t see happening when we were 1-3. Wahoowah, bitches.
I bought a single Gatorade from CVS last week and the receipt they gave me needed its own folder it was so big. I got home and measured it and the freakin thing was 35 inches long. Who the shit wants a 3 foot long receipt from a convenience store?
Insert self deprecating joke about me measuring a receipt I got.
I’m actually impressed with the Lions for their deal that sent Roy Williams to the Cowboys. Thank God they fired Matt Millen, because he never would have done something this shrewd. Williams was going to be a free agent at the end of the season, and there’s no way the Lions were going to re-sign him. So they went out and made a pretty good deal and netted some nice draft picks in return. They got a first, third, and sixth round pick for Williams and a seventh round pick. That’s a helluva haul for a really good but not awesome receiver that you were going to lose anyway. And it’s not like they were playing for anything this season.
So the silly Canadians had an election last week and elected this joker.
This dude’s hair is out of control. It looks like something they would glue on Darrell Hammond’s head before he did an SNL impression. Scary.Washington State lost to USC 69-0 on Saturday. They have now been outscored 289-33 in their five PAC-10 losses. Woof. Count that as the most emphatic Oceanliner woof to date.
In my car over the weekend, I saw an old Asian woman walking down the street while twirling in circles. It didn’t appear she was dancing. Her arms were straight down at her sides and she was very rigid. But as she walked, she kept turning around in circles as she made her way forward. It’s a bizzaro world sometimes.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. I am having a Halloween party at my house this Saturday, so come on by if you can make it. It’s a week early, but its time to get in the mood. Show up without a costume though, and we have a box of sorority girl costumes that we will dress you up in. Seriously. Anyhoo, stay safe out there. Keep it real. And Butch Davis wears panty hose.
October 10, 2008
Extra, extra, read all about it!
So about a month ago I was sitting around, pondering how many people actually read this here train wreck of a blog. Surely there had to be an online service that told you how many people came to your site. Indeed there was. Helpful Oceanliner reader and friend Andrew “Eroder” Eschenroeder knew of such a site and forwarded me the proper info. So since the beginning of September I have been able to track not only how many visits my blog gets, but other interesting and sometimes hilarious details about my visitors.
One thing that is pretty cool is that it tells you the physical location of the person who clicked on my blog; by city, state and country. I have had people read my blog (well maybe not read, if someone is on the site for only a couple of seconds it counts as a hit) from all over the US of A, and also from a number of foreign countries as well. People from Finland, Germany, Australia, England, South Africa, the Bahamas, Sweden, Canadia, and South Korea have checked out the Oceanliner. Herro.
The best and most hilarious part though about this website tracker service, is that if someone used a Google search and clicked one of the results to reach the Oceanliner, it tells me what that person searched for to get there. And some one them, my friends are absodudtely priceless. So without further ado, I give you the Most Hilarious Google Searches That Somehow Directed People to the Oceanliner.
where can you hear music on a ocean liner
I didn’t know this was such a big concern when on a cruise ship.
Famous oceanliner that starts with an s
Apparently this is bothering someone somewhere
Ryan pettinella
ryan pettinella Italian
ryan pettinella Italy
These were three different searches, and I’m proud that the Oceanliner came up as a result. I bet I’ve wrote more about Pett than anyone. Ever.
One curious tidbit is that all three searches came from New York. Pett is from New York. You readin’ the Oceanliner Pett?
darren sharper best ball hawking db
amare stoudemire is a freak
josh beckett and dustin pedroia hemp necklace
These were the great sports related searches. There were also some great ones that I forgot to write down that were along the lines of “red sox annoying fans” and “red sox douche hemp necklaces”. I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks they look like a bunch of hippie wannabe losers.
doggers shoes cvs crocs which one is better
Asking which one of these is better is choosing the one that sucks the least. And I’m glad this person got how I really felt.
tea bag someone
dude getting tea bagged
Alarmingly, there have been five or six searches for each of these. The nation’s passed out people need to beware, there are some sickos out there. And alarmingly for me, when you Google search “dude getting tea bagged”, my blog is the 5th result.
"i'm on first and first. how can the same street intersect with itself? i must be at the nexus of the universe!"
Man I would have to take a nap in the middle of writing that search its so long. Why someone would need to type the entire quote into a Google search is beyond me. The fact that they got forwarded to a comment some guy named “Gutie” made on a joker blog called “the Oceanliner” is great. Something tells me this isn’t the page he was looking for.
what is the name of the tall musician in the freecreditreport.com commercials?
One, “musician” is a generous term. Two, did this commercial really land some girl hook, line and sinker? Enough to Google search him? F-r-e-e that spells free…
teradactyl
While I would like to think this person was looking for awesome Josh Smith analysis and searched for the nickname I gave him, unfortunately I have to believe they were looking for the dinosaur.
aj feeley sayings
I’ll be honest here. I’ve seen a bunch of John Wooden and Vince Lombardi quotes in my day. I’ve read tons of Chuck Norris Jokes, and I recognize Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy when I see them. But I have never, ever, come across a trancendant AJ Feely saying, the 8-year career backup NFL journeyman from Oregon. Maybe I need to be more cultured.
3rd Place: Oceanliner Search Department
is brady quinn a douche bag
This one just cracks me up every time I think about it. I imagine some guy sitting around his house, restlessly pacing up and down the hallway with a huge predicament on his mind…is Brady Quinn a douche bag? As a matter of last resort he sprints down the hallway and frantically types in this search, desperate for answers that will alleviate his thirst for this piece of knowledge. And then reads my comparison of Brady Quinn to Johnny Utah…
2nd Place: Oceanliner Search Department
Plaxico burress crystal meth
There’s really nothing to say here. Someone actually searched for this, and somehow ended up on this site. Indeed, if you type in those words, the third result is the Oceanliner. Oh well, this is the company I keep.
1st Place: Oceanliner Search Department
There really wasn’t any competition for first place. The number one search was so funny that it almost blew my mind. The place the search originated from makes this search of epic proportions. So I give you, from Seoul, South Korea, the number one most hilarious Oceanliner search:
Ribrary
*Pause* I kid you not. Someone from South Korea searched the Internet for “ribrary”. Again, not much more to say here, only lots of laughter. And if you do the search yourself, you can see the top two results on the entire Internet for ribrary are my humble brog. As I’ve said many times before, you can’t make this shit up.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Oh wait, one more thing. It turns out you are reading the writing of a famous person. Yours truly has gotten a comment published in the most recent issue of Sports Illustrated, the one with Manny Ramirez on the cover. You’ll just have to check it out for yourself. So until next time, stay safe, keep it real and flick those wasps.
One thing that is pretty cool is that it tells you the physical location of the person who clicked on my blog; by city, state and country. I have had people read my blog (well maybe not read, if someone is on the site for only a couple of seconds it counts as a hit) from all over the US of A, and also from a number of foreign countries as well. People from Finland, Germany, Australia, England, South Africa, the Bahamas, Sweden, Canadia, and South Korea have checked out the Oceanliner. Herro.
The best and most hilarious part though about this website tracker service, is that if someone used a Google search and clicked one of the results to reach the Oceanliner, it tells me what that person searched for to get there. And some one them, my friends are absodudtely priceless. So without further ado, I give you the Most Hilarious Google Searches That Somehow Directed People to the Oceanliner.
where can you hear music on a ocean liner
I didn’t know this was such a big concern when on a cruise ship.
Famous oceanliner that starts with an s
Apparently this is bothering someone somewhere
Ryan pettinella
ryan pettinella Italian
ryan pettinella Italy
These were three different searches, and I’m proud that the Oceanliner came up as a result. I bet I’ve wrote more about Pett than anyone. Ever.
One curious tidbit is that all three searches came from New York. Pett is from New York. You readin’ the Oceanliner Pett?
darren sharper best ball hawking db
amare stoudemire is a freak
josh beckett and dustin pedroia hemp necklace
These were the great sports related searches. There were also some great ones that I forgot to write down that were along the lines of “red sox annoying fans” and “red sox douche hemp necklaces”. I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks they look like a bunch of hippie wannabe losers.
doggers shoes cvs crocs which one is better
Asking which one of these is better is choosing the one that sucks the least. And I’m glad this person got how I really felt.
tea bag someone
dude getting tea bagged
Alarmingly, there have been five or six searches for each of these. The nation’s passed out people need to beware, there are some sickos out there. And alarmingly for me, when you Google search “dude getting tea bagged”, my blog is the 5th result.
"i'm on first and first. how can the same street intersect with itself? i must be at the nexus of the universe!"
Man I would have to take a nap in the middle of writing that search its so long. Why someone would need to type the entire quote into a Google search is beyond me. The fact that they got forwarded to a comment some guy named “Gutie” made on a joker blog called “the Oceanliner” is great. Something tells me this isn’t the page he was looking for.
what is the name of the tall musician in the freecreditreport.com commercials?
One, “musician” is a generous term. Two, did this commercial really land some girl hook, line and sinker? Enough to Google search him? F-r-e-e that spells free…
teradactyl
While I would like to think this person was looking for awesome Josh Smith analysis and searched for the nickname I gave him, unfortunately I have to believe they were looking for the dinosaur.
aj feeley sayings
I’ll be honest here. I’ve seen a bunch of John Wooden and Vince Lombardi quotes in my day. I’ve read tons of Chuck Norris Jokes, and I recognize Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy when I see them. But I have never, ever, come across a trancendant AJ Feely saying, the 8-year career backup NFL journeyman from Oregon. Maybe I need to be more cultured.
3rd Place: Oceanliner Search Department
is brady quinn a douche bag
This one just cracks me up every time I think about it. I imagine some guy sitting around his house, restlessly pacing up and down the hallway with a huge predicament on his mind…is Brady Quinn a douche bag? As a matter of last resort he sprints down the hallway and frantically types in this search, desperate for answers that will alleviate his thirst for this piece of knowledge. And then reads my comparison of Brady Quinn to Johnny Utah…
2nd Place: Oceanliner Search Department
Plaxico burress crystal meth
There’s really nothing to say here. Someone actually searched for this, and somehow ended up on this site. Indeed, if you type in those words, the third result is the Oceanliner. Oh well, this is the company I keep.
1st Place: Oceanliner Search Department
There really wasn’t any competition for first place. The number one search was so funny that it almost blew my mind. The place the search originated from makes this search of epic proportions. So I give you, from Seoul, South Korea, the number one most hilarious Oceanliner search:
Ribrary
*Pause* I kid you not. Someone from South Korea searched the Internet for “ribrary”. Again, not much more to say here, only lots of laughter. And if you do the search yourself, you can see the top two results on the entire Internet for ribrary are my humble brog. As I’ve said many times before, you can’t make this shit up.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Oh wait, one more thing. It turns out you are reading the writing of a famous person. Yours truly has gotten a comment published in the most recent issue of Sports Illustrated, the one with Manny Ramirez on the cover. You’ll just have to check it out for yourself. So until next time, stay safe, keep it real and flick those wasps.
October 01, 2008
Sneed Me
Reality Check of the Week: I would be the worst Starbucks employee ever. I have enough trouble remembering people’s names right after I meet them, much less trying to get a hold of some blue tooth wearing guido whose ordering a triple shot venti skim with room but no whip americana plywood style frappacino. I don’t know how they do it, especially when its busy in the morning and there are 20 people in line and there are 5 people running around behind the counter. Seriously, I was at a presidential debate party on Friday night and met 20 new people, and have retained none of their names. More props to the Bucks employees, I wouldn’t last 10 minutes.
Scooby Doo Related Item of the Week: So I have a mystery that needs all loyal Oceanliner readers help to solve. I saw a vanity license plate that I could not decipher and its driving me nuts. It was a Virginia plate and read PR8PRD. What does this mean? (L-Dub, I don’t think it has a dirty connotation, but I’m sure it will in your mind)
Sign of the Week: After Alabama’s thorough beat down of Georgia, the ESPN cameras were panning the Crimson Tide crowd and some one was holding a sign that read “BAMA beats the dogs worse than Vick”. Buuuuurn.
Quote of the Week: SI.com writer Stewart Mandel, on Steve Spurrier underachieving at South Carolina: “Remember, by this point in Lou Holtz's tenure, he'd already led South Carolina to consecutive New Year's bowls, which is fairly remarkable considering that when you watch him on TV today, he barely sounds competent enough to tie his own shoes.” Hirarious. And true.
Turrible Quote of the Week: Packers wide receiver Donald Driver, on….something: “You know the saying about having a house full of people, and if you don't get in there and eat, the food will be gone? Well, we left some food on that table last year. We have to make sure that the next time, we clean the table, wash the dishes and put everything away.” *blank stare*
Call of the Week: On Tuesday night I watched most of the Twins-White Sox one game playoff, which was actually very riveting even though it turned out to be a 1-0 game. One of the best parts was enjoying how expertly Dick Stockton delivered the play-by-play. Right after the two biggest plays in the game (Thome’s home run and the diving catch for the final out), Stockton said nothing for a solid 20 seconds so we could enjoy the sight and sound of 40,000+ fans going absolutely bonkers. It was spot on for Stockton to realize that there are no words to add to such a great scene, so he said nothing at all. Too often announcers fight against the roar of the crowd instead of waiting for it to die down and enjoy the moment (Mike Tirico, who I normally like, is a frequent abuser). Kudos to Stockton, who made the game more enjoyable for me by doing less.
Head Scrathcer of the Week: While the one game playoff was awesome, I’m part of the camp that thinks it shouldn’t have been played at all. If two teams finish tied for a division lead with the same record, the team that won the head to head season series should go to the playoffs. Even including Tuesday’s game, the Twins beat the White Sox in the season series, yet they are the ones sitting at home. The Twins didn’t even get home field for the playoff! It was a coin flip instead. Doesn’t make sense in my book.
Low Arc of the Week: Check out this logo for some so called National Beer Pong League
This dude obviously sucks at beer pong. Notice the extremely low trajectory on his shot, it’s a freakin missile. Even Yates and his Alanis Morrissette “One Hand in My Pocket” shot would roll on this dude.
College Football Thoughts of the Week
I said it before with Ohio State, and I’ll say it again with regards to USC. It annoyed me so much when talking heads on TV started to break down the “inevitable” Oklahoma-USC national title game after the Trojans beat the Buckeyes. This is a direct quote from my August 29th post about OSU, but you can apply it to USC: “Saying that a team in a power conference will “probably” sweep their remaining 9 times is ludicrous.” In the Oregon State-USC recap, ESPN.com describes how the Beavers “shook up college football with a victory over the team that was expected to roll right through its conference straight to the national championship game.” It’s so ridiculous to talk about who will play in and win the national title game after 4 games. I bet we are going to start hearing breakdowns of the Oklahoma-Alabama national title game this week. It so stupid.
There’s not much to say about the UVA-Duke game. We got destroyed. It’s time for Groh to go. I want someone young. I want someone with energy. I want…Lane Kiffin. Seriously, let’s offer him a job right now. Carolina fired John Bunting in mid season two years ago so they could start talking to Butch Davis sooner. Let’s do the same thing with Kiffin. He’s young and energetic and actually got the Raiders to perform. He’s perfect. If we wait he’s going to slip away to some one else. Unite behind me, Hoo Wants Kiffin!
This might be the most embarrassed I’ve ever been. I hate when people use “Hoos” in a group or organizational name.
Moving on to Stats class, turnover margin has never been more important than it was in college football this past week. There were 53 contests, and in only 7 did the team with more turnovers win the game. Oregon State had 0 turnovers to USC’s 2 in their tight win. Florida had 3 turnovers to Ole Miss’ 1 in their loss at the swamp. And in the most hilarious example, Hawaii had 6 turnovers to San Jose State’s 0. Final score: Hawaii lost by 3. Imagine if the had “only” had 3-4 turnovers.
Michigan State running back Javon Ringer is averaging 37 carries per game after his 44 carry, 198 yard day against Indiana. He’s in this column every week.
Indiana’s Marcus Thigpen must be related to Ontario Sneed after his day against the Spartans. He had 9 carries for 113 yards and 2 touchdowns and added 2 catches for 94 yards and a score. So not only can he do it all, but he has a sweet name too. Consider Sneed and Thigpen the initial members of my 2008 college football all name team, to be added to weekly.
Speaking of Mr. Sneed, Ontario plowed away for a solid 16 carries, 77 yards and 2 TD’s in Central Michigan’s 2 point win over Buffalo. Sneed me.
Syracuse has a wide receiver named Van Chew. Seriously, Van Chew. He only had 1 catch Saturday against Pittsburgh, but it went for a 36 yard touchdown. Van Chew, no joke.
In that same game, Pitt held the ball for 38 out of the 60 minutes. That’s ball control if I’ve ever seen it, but I guess that’s what happens when you have 241 rushing yards.
Why doesn’t Florida give carries to its running backs??? Emanuel Moody and Chris Rainey, who are good, got a combined 6 carries in their loss to Ole Miss. Direct Oceanliner quote from September 11: “Florida is going to have trouble winning the SEC without a running game.”
Carolina had 33 carries for 35 yards, but still beat Miami. Barely. I can’t think of a pass closer to being caught that turned into a pick.
Miami had 11 different people catch passes against Carolina.
Conversely, Boston College had 27 passing yards against Rhode Island, but won 42-0.
Army apparently tried the BC strategy against Texas A&M (4 total passing yards, 4!), but unfortunately came up short in a 21-17 loss.
VMI completed only 3 passes against Ohio, but 2 of them went for touchdowns
Weird game, that Wisconsin-Michigan contest. Wisconsin led 19-0 at the half, then forgot how to play football. They allowed 27 straight unanswered Wolverine points before finally scoring with 13 seconds left, but couldn’t convert the deuce.
Houston had 2 receivers go over 100 yards against sinking ECU. Funny thing is, it took Patrick Edwards 11 catches to do it, but Kierrie Johnson only 4.
West Virginia played Marshall on Saturday, which must be a headache for state officials, because no matter what the outcome of the game is, couches are going to be burning somewhere across the state after that game.
Louisiana-Lafayette rushed for 335 yards and didn’t turn the ball over, yet still lost to Kansas State.
Riley Skinner and Matt Verica apparently had a “Whose the Worst QB in the ACC” challenge over the weekend. Verica had 4 interceptions and a fumble, while Skinner added 4 picks of his own. Both teams lost. I’ll call it a draw.
Not only did Skinner have 4 picks threw the air, Wake only managed 43 yards rushing on 31 carries for the game. Those two combined will not get a win, that’s for sure.
Here’s another weird game, with many levels of intrigue. Rice put up a 77 spot on North Texas, yet didn’t score in the 4th quarter. Imagine if they had played hard the whole game. The other weird thing is that at one point the score was 28-20, and then Rice scored 49 unanswered points. North Texas forgot how to play football worse than Wisconsin.
Rice quarterback Chase Clement was a Chase Daniel-esque (is it in the name?) 22-28 for 298 yards and 5 touchdowns.
North Texas has allowed 219 points in 4 games. (They are 0-4)
Against Colorado State, Cal scored touchdowns on a blocked punt, a pick 6, and a punt return. How versatile.
Oklahoma receiver Manuel Johnson had 5 catches for 206 yards and three scores against TCU. I think the Horned Frogs will be working on their secondary this week.
Tulsa had an incredibly balanced offensive game against Central Arkansas. They scored 62 points and broken down by quarter it was 14, 14, 17 and 17.
NC State quarterback Harrison Beck completed 9 passes against South Florida for 239 yards. But because he also had 23 incompletions, he only averaged 7.5 yards an attempt. Weird.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Austin and I are heading to God’s Garden for the Maryland game on Saturday, and even though we are terrible, I’m still looking forward to it. A 7pm game means a full day of tailgating, and not much can beat that. Give me a shout or stop by Alumni Hall if you are going to be in town. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and go to the launch pad.
Scooby Doo Related Item of the Week: So I have a mystery that needs all loyal Oceanliner readers help to solve. I saw a vanity license plate that I could not decipher and its driving me nuts. It was a Virginia plate and read PR8PRD. What does this mean? (L-Dub, I don’t think it has a dirty connotation, but I’m sure it will in your mind)
Sign of the Week: After Alabama’s thorough beat down of Georgia, the ESPN cameras were panning the Crimson Tide crowd and some one was holding a sign that read “BAMA beats the dogs worse than Vick”. Buuuuurn.
Quote of the Week: SI.com writer Stewart Mandel, on Steve Spurrier underachieving at South Carolina: “Remember, by this point in Lou Holtz's tenure, he'd already led South Carolina to consecutive New Year's bowls, which is fairly remarkable considering that when you watch him on TV today, he barely sounds competent enough to tie his own shoes.” Hirarious. And true.
Turrible Quote of the Week: Packers wide receiver Donald Driver, on….something: “You know the saying about having a house full of people, and if you don't get in there and eat, the food will be gone? Well, we left some food on that table last year. We have to make sure that the next time, we clean the table, wash the dishes and put everything away.” *blank stare*
Call of the Week: On Tuesday night I watched most of the Twins-White Sox one game playoff, which was actually very riveting even though it turned out to be a 1-0 game. One of the best parts was enjoying how expertly Dick Stockton delivered the play-by-play. Right after the two biggest plays in the game (Thome’s home run and the diving catch for the final out), Stockton said nothing for a solid 20 seconds so we could enjoy the sight and sound of 40,000+ fans going absolutely bonkers. It was spot on for Stockton to realize that there are no words to add to such a great scene, so he said nothing at all. Too often announcers fight against the roar of the crowd instead of waiting for it to die down and enjoy the moment (Mike Tirico, who I normally like, is a frequent abuser). Kudos to Stockton, who made the game more enjoyable for me by doing less.
Head Scrathcer of the Week: While the one game playoff was awesome, I’m part of the camp that thinks it shouldn’t have been played at all. If two teams finish tied for a division lead with the same record, the team that won the head to head season series should go to the playoffs. Even including Tuesday’s game, the Twins beat the White Sox in the season series, yet they are the ones sitting at home. The Twins didn’t even get home field for the playoff! It was a coin flip instead. Doesn’t make sense in my book.
Low Arc of the Week: Check out this logo for some so called National Beer Pong League
This dude obviously sucks at beer pong. Notice the extremely low trajectory on his shot, it’s a freakin missile. Even Yates and his Alanis Morrissette “One Hand in My Pocket” shot would roll on this dude.College Football Thoughts of the Week
I said it before with Ohio State, and I’ll say it again with regards to USC. It annoyed me so much when talking heads on TV started to break down the “inevitable” Oklahoma-USC national title game after the Trojans beat the Buckeyes. This is a direct quote from my August 29th post about OSU, but you can apply it to USC: “Saying that a team in a power conference will “probably” sweep their remaining 9 times is ludicrous.” In the Oregon State-USC recap, ESPN.com describes how the Beavers “shook up college football with a victory over the team that was expected to roll right through its conference straight to the national championship game.” It’s so ridiculous to talk about who will play in and win the national title game after 4 games. I bet we are going to start hearing breakdowns of the Oklahoma-Alabama national title game this week. It so stupid.
There’s not much to say about the UVA-Duke game. We got destroyed. It’s time for Groh to go. I want someone young. I want someone with energy. I want…Lane Kiffin. Seriously, let’s offer him a job right now. Carolina fired John Bunting in mid season two years ago so they could start talking to Butch Davis sooner. Let’s do the same thing with Kiffin. He’s young and energetic and actually got the Raiders to perform. He’s perfect. If we wait he’s going to slip away to some one else. Unite behind me, Hoo Wants Kiffin!
This might be the most embarrassed I’ve ever been. I hate when people use “Hoos” in a group or organizational name.
Moving on to Stats class, turnover margin has never been more important than it was in college football this past week. There were 53 contests, and in only 7 did the team with more turnovers win the game. Oregon State had 0 turnovers to USC’s 2 in their tight win. Florida had 3 turnovers to Ole Miss’ 1 in their loss at the swamp. And in the most hilarious example, Hawaii had 6 turnovers to San Jose State’s 0. Final score: Hawaii lost by 3. Imagine if the had “only” had 3-4 turnovers.
Michigan State running back Javon Ringer is averaging 37 carries per game after his 44 carry, 198 yard day against Indiana. He’s in this column every week.
Indiana’s Marcus Thigpen must be related to Ontario Sneed after his day against the Spartans. He had 9 carries for 113 yards and 2 touchdowns and added 2 catches for 94 yards and a score. So not only can he do it all, but he has a sweet name too. Consider Sneed and Thigpen the initial members of my 2008 college football all name team, to be added to weekly.
Speaking of Mr. Sneed, Ontario plowed away for a solid 16 carries, 77 yards and 2 TD’s in Central Michigan’s 2 point win over Buffalo. Sneed me.
Syracuse has a wide receiver named Van Chew. Seriously, Van Chew. He only had 1 catch Saturday against Pittsburgh, but it went for a 36 yard touchdown. Van Chew, no joke.
In that same game, Pitt held the ball for 38 out of the 60 minutes. That’s ball control if I’ve ever seen it, but I guess that’s what happens when you have 241 rushing yards.
Why doesn’t Florida give carries to its running backs??? Emanuel Moody and Chris Rainey, who are good, got a combined 6 carries in their loss to Ole Miss. Direct Oceanliner quote from September 11: “Florida is going to have trouble winning the SEC without a running game.”
Carolina had 33 carries for 35 yards, but still beat Miami. Barely. I can’t think of a pass closer to being caught that turned into a pick.
Miami had 11 different people catch passes against Carolina.
Conversely, Boston College had 27 passing yards against Rhode Island, but won 42-0.
Army apparently tried the BC strategy against Texas A&M (4 total passing yards, 4!), but unfortunately came up short in a 21-17 loss.
VMI completed only 3 passes against Ohio, but 2 of them went for touchdowns
Weird game, that Wisconsin-Michigan contest. Wisconsin led 19-0 at the half, then forgot how to play football. They allowed 27 straight unanswered Wolverine points before finally scoring with 13 seconds left, but couldn’t convert the deuce.
Houston had 2 receivers go over 100 yards against sinking ECU. Funny thing is, it took Patrick Edwards 11 catches to do it, but Kierrie Johnson only 4.
West Virginia played Marshall on Saturday, which must be a headache for state officials, because no matter what the outcome of the game is, couches are going to be burning somewhere across the state after that game.
Louisiana-Lafayette rushed for 335 yards and didn’t turn the ball over, yet still lost to Kansas State.
Riley Skinner and Matt Verica apparently had a “Whose the Worst QB in the ACC” challenge over the weekend. Verica had 4 interceptions and a fumble, while Skinner added 4 picks of his own. Both teams lost. I’ll call it a draw.
Not only did Skinner have 4 picks threw the air, Wake only managed 43 yards rushing on 31 carries for the game. Those two combined will not get a win, that’s for sure.
Here’s another weird game, with many levels of intrigue. Rice put up a 77 spot on North Texas, yet didn’t score in the 4th quarter. Imagine if they had played hard the whole game. The other weird thing is that at one point the score was 28-20, and then Rice scored 49 unanswered points. North Texas forgot how to play football worse than Wisconsin.
Rice quarterback Chase Clement was a Chase Daniel-esque (is it in the name?) 22-28 for 298 yards and 5 touchdowns.
North Texas has allowed 219 points in 4 games. (They are 0-4)
Against Colorado State, Cal scored touchdowns on a blocked punt, a pick 6, and a punt return. How versatile.
Oklahoma receiver Manuel Johnson had 5 catches for 206 yards and three scores against TCU. I think the Horned Frogs will be working on their secondary this week.
Tulsa had an incredibly balanced offensive game against Central Arkansas. They scored 62 points and broken down by quarter it was 14, 14, 17 and 17.
NC State quarterback Harrison Beck completed 9 passes against South Florida for 239 yards. But because he also had 23 incompletions, he only averaged 7.5 yards an attempt. Weird.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Austin and I are heading to God’s Garden for the Maryland game on Saturday, and even though we are terrible, I’m still looking forward to it. A 7pm game means a full day of tailgating, and not much can beat that. Give me a shout or stop by Alumni Hall if you are going to be in town. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and go to the launch pad.
September 24, 2008
Jabba the Hut and Other Perusements
Some things are meant to be seen in high definition. Mike Patrick is not one of them. I was at a sports bar on Saturday night and inadvertently turned around to a 70-inch HD projection close up of Mike Patrick and almost had a heart attack. Looking at him with preparation is bad enough; a sneak attack is downright deadly. Seriously, the dude is ugly. It makes me so mad that the Georgia-Alabama game is going to be called by Jabba the Hut instead of Verne.
Patrick should be the one calling the sloppy-seconds Auburn-Tennessee game, not Verne.
So I was in the airport on Friday morning and walked passed a 5 Guys where multiple people were chowing down on double cheeseburgers at 7 in the morning.
This is a device you can install in your fence so your dog can see the outside world. I can’t think of anything more essential. The description of the product says that the porthole will “quench your dog’s natural curiosity and also may help reduce barking and other undesirable behaviors.” Yours for only $30.
On the flight back from New York that same night (long day), we flew right over Yankee Stadium as a game was going on. It was very cool stuff as we had only just taken off and were still low to the ground, and you could see all the flashbulbs going off at the Stadium with the lit up Manhattan skyline in the background. Yes, I felt like a baller.
Yes! Anecdotes from the beginning, middle and end of my trip. Perfect symmetry. And now onto to the box score perusements of the week.
West Virginia hired the complete wrong guy in Bill Stewart, but that’s beside the point here. The Mountaineers only threw for 43 yards against Colorado, but you can keep it close when you rush for 311. Starting “quarterback” Pat White had 148 yards on 19 carries and two scores while Noel “Darren Sproles Jr” added 133 yards on 26 carries. It’s not a good sign when your quarterback’s longest run is longer that his total passing yards for the game, which is exactly what happened to WVU this weekend. Watch for the Couch Burners to continue struggling this year, and for Uconn to win the “Big” East.
If you want to talk about a dominant running game on a team that’s actually good, you need to look at Georgia Tech. The Jackets had a staggering 438 rushing yards against Mississippi State, including four different players with 50+ rushing yards. Defense was the supposed reason Sylvester Croom was brought to Starkville, but Paul Johnson made him look like a fool in a 38-7 beat down (the Bulldogs didn’t even score until mid way through the fourth quarter). Count the Oceanliner among those who were chugging the Haterade when GT hired Johnson, but the guy obviously knows how to coach, and the Ramblin’ Wreck look solid.
On the other end of the spectrum, South Carolina State did not have their finest rushing day against Clemson. The Bulldogs had -10 rushing yards on 21 carries. That’s not going to help the average.
Ugly Game of the Week: Northwestern’s 16-8 win over Ohio featured 3 field goals, a 1 yard touchdown run, a 12 yard touchdown pass, a failed two point conversion and 9 total turnovers. Nine times.
My boy Ontario Sneed from Central Michigan continues to impress, no matter what Tyler says about his sweet ass name. The jack of all trades followed up last weeks two touchdown run performance with two touchdown catches this week against Purdue.
The aerial attack in the Boston College-Central Florida game was not what the offensive coordinators were hoping for. The two teams combined for seven interceptions. On the other hand, nobody fumbled!
In another bumbled aerial “attack”, Wyoming had three different quarterbacks throw picks against BYU.
In foreign policy news, the Akron kicker’s name is Igor Iveljic. I feel bad for the guy who comes to America to explore new worlds and ends up in Akron, Ohio.
Chase Daniel is a bad man. Dude completed 20 consecutive passes against Buffalo en route to 439 yards and 2 TD’s. He was 36-43 for the game, and is impressing me mightily. Impressive in the box scores that it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him play on TV yet. I need to fix that this year.
Previous box score perusing subject Javon Ringer of Michigan State is quickly becoming a staple of this space. Ringer followed up his 43 carry 282 yard performance against Florida Atlantic with another 39 carries and 201 yards against Notre Dame. H-O-R-S-E.
The Irish, on the other hand, had a stellar 22 carries for 16 yards.
No one is more excited for free post-surgery ice cream than Charlie Weis. No one.
Carolina’s backup quarterback completed five passes against the Hokies. Unfortunately two of them were to the wrong team. But guess who it is, Mike Paulus, brother of Dukie Greg. Well, Greg is used to throwing balls to the other team, so Mike is following in his footsteps. Heyoooo!
Fellow Episcopal High School grad Danny Coale led Tech in catches and receiving yards against UNC, as a freshman. Yes, we are taking over the world. John McCain is also an EHS grad. Like I said, no one can stop us. Except maybe old age.
Oregon has a running back named Jeremiah Johnson. What a head scalping badass.
Ian Johnson, Boise State running back who proposed after the Fiesta Bowl against Oklahoma, is still there. Way to throw your college experience away to marriage, I thought that guy had to be a senior back then.
One of Western Kentucky’s “quarterbacks” was 2-2 for -9 yards against Murray State. That’s hard to do, especially when they still won by 41.
Louisiana Lafayette had two rushers go for over 150 yards, with the quarterback going for 150 on the dot and their running back churned out a buck 94.
I got a headache looking at the New Mexico-Tulsa box score. D. Johnson had 469 passing yards and D. Johnson also had 109 receiving yards for Tulsa. I must have had a case of the Mondays, as it took me about a minute to realize they were different people.
Nicholls State completed two passes in the entire game against Memphis and was still tied at the half.
Quote of the Week: Warren Buffet is a badass, and he summed up the current financial situation like this. “You only learn who has been swimming naked when the tide goes out – and what we are witnessing at some of our largest financial institutions is an ugly sight.”
So Spain beat the United States in the Davis Cup over the weekend. Weird thing was, they played the tennis matches in the Madrid bullfighting ring.
Silly Spaniards, Trix are for kids.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. I’m incredibry nervous about the Hoos taking on the Dukies in Durham. It’s a noon game, so if UVA loses, its going to be a long Saturday. But until next time, stay safe, keep it real and let it hang.
Patrick should be the one calling the sloppy-seconds Auburn-Tennessee game, not Verne.So I was in the airport on Friday morning and walked passed a 5 Guys where multiple people were chowing down on double cheeseburgers at 7 in the morning.
Woof.
One of my favorite things about flying is looking through all of the preposterous products in Sky Mall. My personal favorite from last week; the Pet Observation Porthole.
One of my favorite things about flying is looking through all of the preposterous products in Sky Mall. My personal favorite from last week; the Pet Observation Porthole.
This is a device you can install in your fence so your dog can see the outside world. I can’t think of anything more essential. The description of the product says that the porthole will “quench your dog’s natural curiosity and also may help reduce barking and other undesirable behaviors.” Yours for only $30. On the flight back from New York that same night (long day), we flew right over Yankee Stadium as a game was going on. It was very cool stuff as we had only just taken off and were still low to the ground, and you could see all the flashbulbs going off at the Stadium with the lit up Manhattan skyline in the background. Yes, I felt like a baller.
Yes! Anecdotes from the beginning, middle and end of my trip. Perfect symmetry. And now onto to the box score perusements of the week.
West Virginia hired the complete wrong guy in Bill Stewart, but that’s beside the point here. The Mountaineers only threw for 43 yards against Colorado, but you can keep it close when you rush for 311. Starting “quarterback” Pat White had 148 yards on 19 carries and two scores while Noel “Darren Sproles Jr” added 133 yards on 26 carries. It’s not a good sign when your quarterback’s longest run is longer that his total passing yards for the game, which is exactly what happened to WVU this weekend. Watch for the Couch Burners to continue struggling this year, and for Uconn to win the “Big” East.
If you want to talk about a dominant running game on a team that’s actually good, you need to look at Georgia Tech. The Jackets had a staggering 438 rushing yards against Mississippi State, including four different players with 50+ rushing yards. Defense was the supposed reason Sylvester Croom was brought to Starkville, but Paul Johnson made him look like a fool in a 38-7 beat down (the Bulldogs didn’t even score until mid way through the fourth quarter). Count the Oceanliner among those who were chugging the Haterade when GT hired Johnson, but the guy obviously knows how to coach, and the Ramblin’ Wreck look solid.
On the other end of the spectrum, South Carolina State did not have their finest rushing day against Clemson. The Bulldogs had -10 rushing yards on 21 carries. That’s not going to help the average.
Ugly Game of the Week: Northwestern’s 16-8 win over Ohio featured 3 field goals, a 1 yard touchdown run, a 12 yard touchdown pass, a failed two point conversion and 9 total turnovers. Nine times.
My boy Ontario Sneed from Central Michigan continues to impress, no matter what Tyler says about his sweet ass name. The jack of all trades followed up last weeks two touchdown run performance with two touchdown catches this week against Purdue.
The aerial attack in the Boston College-Central Florida game was not what the offensive coordinators were hoping for. The two teams combined for seven interceptions. On the other hand, nobody fumbled!
In another bumbled aerial “attack”, Wyoming had three different quarterbacks throw picks against BYU.
In foreign policy news, the Akron kicker’s name is Igor Iveljic. I feel bad for the guy who comes to America to explore new worlds and ends up in Akron, Ohio.
Chase Daniel is a bad man. Dude completed 20 consecutive passes against Buffalo en route to 439 yards and 2 TD’s. He was 36-43 for the game, and is impressing me mightily. Impressive in the box scores that it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him play on TV yet. I need to fix that this year.
Previous box score perusing subject Javon Ringer of Michigan State is quickly becoming a staple of this space. Ringer followed up his 43 carry 282 yard performance against Florida Atlantic with another 39 carries and 201 yards against Notre Dame. H-O-R-S-E.
The Irish, on the other hand, had a stellar 22 carries for 16 yards.
No one is more excited for free post-surgery ice cream than Charlie Weis. No one.
Carolina’s backup quarterback completed five passes against the Hokies. Unfortunately two of them were to the wrong team. But guess who it is, Mike Paulus, brother of Dukie Greg. Well, Greg is used to throwing balls to the other team, so Mike is following in his footsteps. Heyoooo!
Fellow Episcopal High School grad Danny Coale led Tech in catches and receiving yards against UNC, as a freshman. Yes, we are taking over the world. John McCain is also an EHS grad. Like I said, no one can stop us. Except maybe old age.
Oregon has a running back named Jeremiah Johnson. What a head scalping badass.
Ian Johnson, Boise State running back who proposed after the Fiesta Bowl against Oklahoma, is still there. Way to throw your college experience away to marriage, I thought that guy had to be a senior back then.
One of Western Kentucky’s “quarterbacks” was 2-2 for -9 yards against Murray State. That’s hard to do, especially when they still won by 41.
Louisiana Lafayette had two rushers go for over 150 yards, with the quarterback going for 150 on the dot and their running back churned out a buck 94.
I got a headache looking at the New Mexico-Tulsa box score. D. Johnson had 469 passing yards and D. Johnson also had 109 receiving yards for Tulsa. I must have had a case of the Mondays, as it took me about a minute to realize they were different people.
Nicholls State completed two passes in the entire game against Memphis and was still tied at the half.
Quote of the Week: Warren Buffet is a badass, and he summed up the current financial situation like this. “You only learn who has been swimming naked when the tide goes out – and what we are witnessing at some of our largest financial institutions is an ugly sight.”
So Spain beat the United States in the Davis Cup over the weekend. Weird thing was, they played the tennis matches in the Madrid bullfighting ring.
Silly Spaniards, Trix are for kids.Well, that’s it for this week folks. I’m incredibry nervous about the Hoos taking on the Dukies in Durham. It’s a noon game, so if UVA loses, its going to be a long Saturday. But until next time, stay safe, keep it real and let it hang.
September 17, 2008
Perusing the Boxscore
Irony: So it turns out that little kid in the AIG commercial who couldn’t sleep because he was worried about his family’s financial security was onto something, huh?
There is a doctor’s office in the basement of my office building. One morning this week I saw a nurse hastily finishing a cigarette, at 7:45 am mind you, before going down to the basement for work. I was appalled. How can this person be trusted to advise someone on their health if they are a smoker? There should be a Good Samaritan Law where if you catch a nurse or doctor smoking you can report them and they lose their license on the spot. How would you feel as a patient if your doctor or nurse came in reeking of cigarette smoke?
Another weekend of college football come and gone; another full slate of interesting box scores to analyze. I swear, there are 10 things every week that I have never seen before. Take the Air Force-Houston game for example. Air Force didn’t complete a pass in the entire game…and won! Their quarterback was 0-7, but get this; the Falcons ran the ball 71 times for 380 yards and scored 31 points. Talk about a ground game. Air Force still managed 5.4 yards per carry on those 71 rushes, and as you can expect, won the time of possession battle. How intriguing.
Irony No. 2: The ESPN.com headline for the Cal-Maryland game read “Maryland’s relentless defense stifles No. 23 Cal”. Hmmmmm. Cal scored 27 points, got 26 first downs, racked up 461 yards of offense and only turned the ball over once. Yeah, “stifling” defense there in College Park. The real stifler was whoever scheduled the game for noon, so that kickoff felt like 9am for the Bears.
Michigan State running back Javon Ringer carried the ball 43 freakin times against Florida Atlantic, and still averaged 6.6 yards per carry for the day. That’s 282 rushing yards for you math majors out there. What a horse.
Navy running back Javod Bryant was the anti-Javon Ringer on Saturday. The Midshipman (note: in the singular) had 14 carries for a whopping 8 yards, averaging an impressive 0.6 yards per carry. Adding insult to a poor performance, Bryant had to go back to getting his balls hazed off knowing he lost to Duke. Tough day.
Continuing with odd rushing performances, Central Michigan’s Ontario Sneed summoned his inner Jerome Bettis and produced these numbers: 6 carries for 15 yards and 2 touchdowns. Consider Ontario Sneed my favorite name in college football. A great flow.
Oklahoma State absurdly had three running backs rush for more than 130 yards each against Missouri State, and they all needed less than 15 carries to do it. Keith Toston had 11 carries for 148 yards and a score. “Backup” Beau Johnson rushed 13 times for 138 yards and two TD’s. And “third stringer” Kendall Hunter added 132 yards on 11 carries and two touchdowns. Do you think these three laughed at “water boy” Michael Roberts after the game, who got 12 carries but only managed to gain 37 yards?
Washington State is really, really bad. They have lost their first three games by a combined 150-33, including Saturday’s 45-17 loss to mighty Baylor. If they can’t beat Portland State this week, it might be time just to give up.
As my Dad put accurately put it, Auburn hit a walk off homer in the ninth to beat Mississippi State 3-2. Woof.
The 16-13 Wyoming-North Dakota State game was another yawner. 5 field goals, a 2 yard touchdown run and a 3 yard touchdown pass. 13 punts. In Wyoming. Double woof.
BYU’s utter demolition of UCLA was about as methodical as you can get. 6 of the Cougars 7 touchdowns came from within 15 yards of the end zone. Their longest play from scrimmage was 37 yards. But every play seemingly got 7 yards. BYU threw for 337 and rushed for 184. They completed 77% of their passes and ran for 4.1 yards per carry. The defense pitched a shutout and forced 4 turnovers. That’ll get you to 59-0.
UCLA is bad. But do you know who is not bad? Sam Bradford and Chase Daniel. The Oklahoma quarterback was 18-21 for 304 yards a 5 TD’s while his Missouri counterpart went 23-28 for 405 yards and 4 TD’s. They both averaged over 14 yards per attempt.
Hawaii got the first laugh against Oregon State, but the Beavers got the last seven. After going up 7-0, the Warriors gave up 45 straight points. After their first drive, Hawaii went punt, punt, punt, punt, pick, missed field goal, pick, punt, pick, punt, punt, turnover on downs. After going 73 yards for a touchdown in just 1:57, Hawaii gained just 133 yards on their next 12 drives and 20:36 time of possession. Not good.
Regrettably UVA actually made the trip to Storrs and got walloped 45-10 by Uconn. I didn’t watch it but the most unacceptable part of the recap was seeing that the Huskies scored touchdowns on their first four possessions. That is truly pathetic. This from a UVA team whose defense is supposed to keep the team afloat this year. The Cavs allowed a tremendous 382 rushing yards, including 206 to Donald Brown alone. Uconn average 7.2 yards per carry, as opposed to 2.2 for the Cavs. This season is teetering on the edge of disaster. We have a bye week before playing Duke, which unfortunately is going to be a close game. Woof.
The St. Louis Rams may have a worse defense than UVA, but at least Chris Long is busting his ass per usual. Long had the first sack of his NFL career on Sunday, hopefully the first of many more. Good for him.
Also playing well on Sunday is the new starting tight end of the Indianapolis Colts, Tom Santi. The former Wahoo was filling in for the injured Dallas Clark, and had 5 catches for 29 yards. That’s a helluva place to be as a rookie.
So Austin and I had dinner at the Austin Grill last weekend (insert joke here). Well it turns out they have a meal called the Hangover Burger. It is a half-pound bacon cheeseburger with and fried egg and Texas chili on it. I was tempted to get it but A) my arteries screamed bloody murder and B) I wasn’t hung-over. The next time I’m hankering for a solid meal though, I know where to turn.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and fill ‘er up.
There is a doctor’s office in the basement of my office building. One morning this week I saw a nurse hastily finishing a cigarette, at 7:45 am mind you, before going down to the basement for work. I was appalled. How can this person be trusted to advise someone on their health if they are a smoker? There should be a Good Samaritan Law where if you catch a nurse or doctor smoking you can report them and they lose their license on the spot. How would you feel as a patient if your doctor or nurse came in reeking of cigarette smoke?
Another weekend of college football come and gone; another full slate of interesting box scores to analyze. I swear, there are 10 things every week that I have never seen before. Take the Air Force-Houston game for example. Air Force didn’t complete a pass in the entire game…and won! Their quarterback was 0-7, but get this; the Falcons ran the ball 71 times for 380 yards and scored 31 points. Talk about a ground game. Air Force still managed 5.4 yards per carry on those 71 rushes, and as you can expect, won the time of possession battle. How intriguing.
Irony No. 2: The ESPN.com headline for the Cal-Maryland game read “Maryland’s relentless defense stifles No. 23 Cal”. Hmmmmm. Cal scored 27 points, got 26 first downs, racked up 461 yards of offense and only turned the ball over once. Yeah, “stifling” defense there in College Park. The real stifler was whoever scheduled the game for noon, so that kickoff felt like 9am for the Bears.
Michigan State running back Javon Ringer carried the ball 43 freakin times against Florida Atlantic, and still averaged 6.6 yards per carry for the day. That’s 282 rushing yards for you math majors out there. What a horse.
Navy running back Javod Bryant was the anti-Javon Ringer on Saturday. The Midshipman (note: in the singular) had 14 carries for a whopping 8 yards, averaging an impressive 0.6 yards per carry. Adding insult to a poor performance, Bryant had to go back to getting his balls hazed off knowing he lost to Duke. Tough day.
Continuing with odd rushing performances, Central Michigan’s Ontario Sneed summoned his inner Jerome Bettis and produced these numbers: 6 carries for 15 yards and 2 touchdowns. Consider Ontario Sneed my favorite name in college football. A great flow.
Oklahoma State absurdly had three running backs rush for more than 130 yards each against Missouri State, and they all needed less than 15 carries to do it. Keith Toston had 11 carries for 148 yards and a score. “Backup” Beau Johnson rushed 13 times for 138 yards and two TD’s. And “third stringer” Kendall Hunter added 132 yards on 11 carries and two touchdowns. Do you think these three laughed at “water boy” Michael Roberts after the game, who got 12 carries but only managed to gain 37 yards?
Washington State is really, really bad. They have lost their first three games by a combined 150-33, including Saturday’s 45-17 loss to mighty Baylor. If they can’t beat Portland State this week, it might be time just to give up.
As my Dad put accurately put it, Auburn hit a walk off homer in the ninth to beat Mississippi State 3-2. Woof.
The 16-13 Wyoming-North Dakota State game was another yawner. 5 field goals, a 2 yard touchdown run and a 3 yard touchdown pass. 13 punts. In Wyoming. Double woof.
BYU’s utter demolition of UCLA was about as methodical as you can get. 6 of the Cougars 7 touchdowns came from within 15 yards of the end zone. Their longest play from scrimmage was 37 yards. But every play seemingly got 7 yards. BYU threw for 337 and rushed for 184. They completed 77% of their passes and ran for 4.1 yards per carry. The defense pitched a shutout and forced 4 turnovers. That’ll get you to 59-0.
UCLA is bad. But do you know who is not bad? Sam Bradford and Chase Daniel. The Oklahoma quarterback was 18-21 for 304 yards a 5 TD’s while his Missouri counterpart went 23-28 for 405 yards and 4 TD’s. They both averaged over 14 yards per attempt.
Hawaii got the first laugh against Oregon State, but the Beavers got the last seven. After going up 7-0, the Warriors gave up 45 straight points. After their first drive, Hawaii went punt, punt, punt, punt, pick, missed field goal, pick, punt, pick, punt, punt, turnover on downs. After going 73 yards for a touchdown in just 1:57, Hawaii gained just 133 yards on their next 12 drives and 20:36 time of possession. Not good.
Regrettably UVA actually made the trip to Storrs and got walloped 45-10 by Uconn. I didn’t watch it but the most unacceptable part of the recap was seeing that the Huskies scored touchdowns on their first four possessions. That is truly pathetic. This from a UVA team whose defense is supposed to keep the team afloat this year. The Cavs allowed a tremendous 382 rushing yards, including 206 to Donald Brown alone. Uconn average 7.2 yards per carry, as opposed to 2.2 for the Cavs. This season is teetering on the edge of disaster. We have a bye week before playing Duke, which unfortunately is going to be a close game. Woof.
The St. Louis Rams may have a worse defense than UVA, but at least Chris Long is busting his ass per usual. Long had the first sack of his NFL career on Sunday, hopefully the first of many more. Good for him.
Also playing well on Sunday is the new starting tight end of the Indianapolis Colts, Tom Santi. The former Wahoo was filling in for the injured Dallas Clark, and had 5 catches for 29 yards. That’s a helluva place to be as a rookie.
So Austin and I had dinner at the Austin Grill last weekend (insert joke here). Well it turns out they have a meal called the Hangover Burger. It is a half-pound bacon cheeseburger with and fried egg and Texas chili on it. I was tempted to get it but A) my arteries screamed bloody murder and B) I wasn’t hung-over. The next time I’m hankering for a solid meal though, I know where to turn.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and fill ‘er up.
September 11, 2008
Saturdays with Verne
Breathe in deeply. Smell that? It’s the smell of fall and the greatest time of the year: football season. Now that the NFL kicked off we are in full pigskin mode and I’m ecstatic. I’m even happier that we are swinging into college conference play and I’ll have my weekly, Saturday afternoons date at 3:30 with Verne. Besides bowls and the NFL playoffs, nothing in football makes me as happy as listening to Verne Lundquist call the 3:30 SEC game on CBS. It is a pure pleasure. Watching the best college football in the land being called by the oracle that is Verne is simply sublime. This week we get USC-Georgia. And while the Dawgs will probably win, Spurrier always seems to give Georgia fits, no matter who he’s coaching. So here’s to you Verne, and to you SEC, for making fall more enjoyable.
So the world’s best pun writers have been having a field day with the news that Kim Jong Il is ill. Sounds like he’s been doing too many things that aren’t good for the Seoul! Zing! Shit, that’s South Korea. I’ve got nothing.
Perusing the college football box scores can yield some pretty hilarious statistics, especially early in the season when teams are playing D1-AA jokers at a rapid rate. Normal games can also produce odd stats. Here are some of my favorites from this past weekend, plus general football thoughts as well.
UVA’s next opponent, Connecticut, did not exactly light it up against Temple on Saturday, winning a 12-9 overtime snooze fest. What was strange is that Uconn running back Donald Brown had 214 yards on 36 carries…but didn’t score a touchdown until overtime. Apparently Brown ran wild until his team got into scoring position, and then he either got stuffed or he didn’t get the ball, I don’t know. Brown averaged 5.9 yards per carry, but his long was only 19. He ran for 6 yards on every carry 36 times it seems like, until his team needed it most that is. It didn’t help that the Uconn kicker was 2/5 on field goals. Very strange.
Virginia didn’t exactly light up the scoreboard either against Richmond. A huge problem is that Mikell Simpson rushed 23 times for a paltry 36 total yards. Dude could only average 1.6 yards per carry against freakin Richmond. Meanwhile, Cedric Peerman had 60 yards on 10 carries. Now I’m no coach, but it seems like Peerman should have gotten more carries. C’mon Al. Another huge problem is that our starting quarterback is a retarded pothead.
The UVA-Richmond game was the lowest scoring game of the weekend. Second lowest scoring game? Uconn-Temple. They can probably give the scoreboard operator the night off this coming Saturday.
Florida is going to have big trouble winning the SEC without a running game. The Gator running backs ran 9 times for 7 yards against Miami. Tim Tebow and Percy Harvin ran 18 times for 82 yards, but having your quarterback and best receiver doing double duty like that for a season is not going to hold up.
Texas State played a strange game against SMU. On offense, Texas State either scored or turned the ball over. For the whole game. They didn’t punt or turn the ball over on downs once. Here is the Texas State drive summary: fumble, fumble, interception, fumble, touchdown, touchdown, interception, touchdown, field goal, touchdown, touchdown. They were either amazing or atrocious. If there are any moral victories, it is turning the ball over on your first 4 possessions and only losing by 11.
There were only two punts in the whole SMU-Texas State game.
There were 13 punts in the UVA-Richmond game.
There were 12 punts in the Uconn-Temple game.
I’ll say it again, Uconn plays UVA this week. Ye gods.
After tying the game at 7, Montana State watched Kansas State score 62 unanswered points, including three defensive touchdowns. That would be quite demoralizing.
Arkansas State opened their game against Texas Southern by going on a 52-0 run. In the first half. Texas Southern then kicked a field goal to “cut” the lead to 52-3. Again, I’m no coach, but when I’m down 52-0, before halftime, I ain’t kickin’ no godamn field goal.
Arkansas State ran for 441 yards on 44 carries in the game. That’s right, they averaged 10 yards a carry on 44 carries. That’s beyond video game ridiculousness.
Oklahoma State had both a running back and a wide receiver go over 200 yards for the day against Houston. Kendall Hunter had 210 yards on 22 carries and 2 touchdowns and Dez Bryant had 9 catches for 236 yards and 3 touchdowns. That’s Monopoly money.
Cal’s Jahvid Best had two 80+ yard touchdown runs against Wazzu. Besides those two runs Best averaged only 2.8 yards per carry. Including those runs, Best averaged 14.2 yards per carry. Best had more rushing yards than Washington State had total yards. And this was a conference game. Ye gods.
The answer to last week’s riddle is a trick question. Girls would never be in the woods in the first place on their cell phones. They would either be in their car, walking on the sidewalk, sitting at the dinner table, or going grocery shopping.
During halftime of Monday Night Football I got excited because I thought they were going to bring back the Jacked Up segment, where they show the biggest hits of the week. I was sorely disappointed when I discovered that the segment had been renamed Sunday Thunder, they only showed 3 hits instead of 5, and that everyone in the booth didn’t scream when the person got hit. Add it to the infinite list of why ESPN is going into the toilet.
Did yall catch the US Open final where Federer wiped his ass with Andy Murray? Maybe it wouldn’t have been such a rout if Murray hadn’t been sporting such egregious facial hair.
So the world’s best pun writers have been having a field day with the news that Kim Jong Il is ill. Sounds like he’s been doing too many things that aren’t good for the Seoul! Zing! Shit, that’s South Korea. I’ve got nothing.
Perusing the college football box scores can yield some pretty hilarious statistics, especially early in the season when teams are playing D1-AA jokers at a rapid rate. Normal games can also produce odd stats. Here are some of my favorites from this past weekend, plus general football thoughts as well.
UVA’s next opponent, Connecticut, did not exactly light it up against Temple on Saturday, winning a 12-9 overtime snooze fest. What was strange is that Uconn running back Donald Brown had 214 yards on 36 carries…but didn’t score a touchdown until overtime. Apparently Brown ran wild until his team got into scoring position, and then he either got stuffed or he didn’t get the ball, I don’t know. Brown averaged 5.9 yards per carry, but his long was only 19. He ran for 6 yards on every carry 36 times it seems like, until his team needed it most that is. It didn’t help that the Uconn kicker was 2/5 on field goals. Very strange.
Virginia didn’t exactly light up the scoreboard either against Richmond. A huge problem is that Mikell Simpson rushed 23 times for a paltry 36 total yards. Dude could only average 1.6 yards per carry against freakin Richmond. Meanwhile, Cedric Peerman had 60 yards on 10 carries. Now I’m no coach, but it seems like Peerman should have gotten more carries. C’mon Al. Another huge problem is that our starting quarterback is a retarded pothead.
The UVA-Richmond game was the lowest scoring game of the weekend. Second lowest scoring game? Uconn-Temple. They can probably give the scoreboard operator the night off this coming Saturday.
Florida is going to have big trouble winning the SEC without a running game. The Gator running backs ran 9 times for 7 yards against Miami. Tim Tebow and Percy Harvin ran 18 times for 82 yards, but having your quarterback and best receiver doing double duty like that for a season is not going to hold up.
Texas State played a strange game against SMU. On offense, Texas State either scored or turned the ball over. For the whole game. They didn’t punt or turn the ball over on downs once. Here is the Texas State drive summary: fumble, fumble, interception, fumble, touchdown, touchdown, interception, touchdown, field goal, touchdown, touchdown. They were either amazing or atrocious. If there are any moral victories, it is turning the ball over on your first 4 possessions and only losing by 11.
There were only two punts in the whole SMU-Texas State game.
There were 13 punts in the UVA-Richmond game.
There were 12 punts in the Uconn-Temple game.
I’ll say it again, Uconn plays UVA this week. Ye gods.
After tying the game at 7, Montana State watched Kansas State score 62 unanswered points, including three defensive touchdowns. That would be quite demoralizing.
Arkansas State opened their game against Texas Southern by going on a 52-0 run. In the first half. Texas Southern then kicked a field goal to “cut” the lead to 52-3. Again, I’m no coach, but when I’m down 52-0, before halftime, I ain’t kickin’ no godamn field goal.
Arkansas State ran for 441 yards on 44 carries in the game. That’s right, they averaged 10 yards a carry on 44 carries. That’s beyond video game ridiculousness.
Oklahoma State had both a running back and a wide receiver go over 200 yards for the day against Houston. Kendall Hunter had 210 yards on 22 carries and 2 touchdowns and Dez Bryant had 9 catches for 236 yards and 3 touchdowns. That’s Monopoly money.
Cal’s Jahvid Best had two 80+ yard touchdown runs against Wazzu. Besides those two runs Best averaged only 2.8 yards per carry. Including those runs, Best averaged 14.2 yards per carry. Best had more rushing yards than Washington State had total yards. And this was a conference game. Ye gods.
The answer to last week’s riddle is a trick question. Girls would never be in the woods in the first place on their cell phones. They would either be in their car, walking on the sidewalk, sitting at the dinner table, or going grocery shopping.
During halftime of Monday Night Football I got excited because I thought they were going to bring back the Jacked Up segment, where they show the biggest hits of the week. I was sorely disappointed when I discovered that the segment had been renamed Sunday Thunder, they only showed 3 hits instead of 5, and that everyone in the booth didn’t scream when the person got hit. Add it to the infinite list of why ESPN is going into the toilet.
Did yall catch the US Open final where Federer wiped his ass with Andy Murray? Maybe it wouldn’t have been such a rout if Murray hadn’t been sporting such egregious facial hair.
Good God man. Some people need to accept that they just can’t grow good facial hair. Like Tyler. Or 2nd Lieutenant Owen T. Caldwell I should say.
So I’m doing a college football pick’em and one of the games this week is Iowa-Iowa State. I know nothing about either team so I decided to check their schedules, as both are 2-0, to see if either had beaten anyone of consequence. It turns out both teams have played the weakest schedule on either side of the Mississippi. The two pansy Iowa teams have played South Dakota State, Kent State, Maine and Florida International. What a pair of sack-less coaches. Good luck playing in the Midol Bowl Boys.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Enjoy the glory of football season. Stay safe everyone.
So I’m doing a college football pick’em and one of the games this week is Iowa-Iowa State. I know nothing about either team so I decided to check their schedules, as both are 2-0, to see if either had beaten anyone of consequence. It turns out both teams have played the weakest schedule on either side of the Mississippi. The two pansy Iowa teams have played South Dakota State, Kent State, Maine and Florida International. What a pair of sack-less coaches. Good luck playing in the Midol Bowl Boys.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Enjoy the glory of football season. Stay safe everyone.
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