Jabba the Hut and Other Perusements

Some things are meant to be seen in high definition. Mike Patrick is not one of them. I was at a sports bar on Saturday night and inadvertently turned around to a 70-inch HD projection close up of Mike Patrick and almost had a heart attack. Looking at him with preparation is bad enough; a sneak attack is downright deadly. Seriously, the dude is ugly. It makes me so mad that the Georgia-Alabama game is going to be called by Jabba the Hut instead of Verne.

Patrick should be the one calling the sloppy-seconds Auburn-Tennessee game, not Verne.

So I was in the airport on Friday morning and walked passed a 5 Guys where multiple people were chowing down on double cheeseburgers at 7 in the morning.

Woof.

One of my favorite things about flying is looking through all of the preposterous products in Sky Mall. My personal favorite from last week; the Pet Observation Porthole.

This is a device you can install in your fence so your dog can see the outside world. I can’t think of anything more essential. The description of the product says that the porthole will “quench your dog’s natural curiosity and also may help reduce barking and other undesirable behaviors.” Yours for only $30.

On the flight back from New York that same night (long day), we flew right over Yankee Stadium as a game was going on. It was very cool stuff as we had only just taken off and were still low to the ground, and you could see all the flashbulbs going off at the Stadium with the lit up Manhattan skyline in the background. Yes, I felt like a baller.

Yes! Anecdotes from the beginning, middle and end of my trip. Perfect symmetry. And now onto to the box score perusements of the week.

West Virginia hired the complete wrong guy in Bill Stewart, but that’s beside the point here. The Mountaineers only threw for 43 yards against Colorado, but you can keep it close when you rush for 311. Starting “quarterback” Pat White had 148 yards on 19 carries and two scores while Noel “Darren Sproles Jr” added 133 yards on 26 carries. It’s not a good sign when your quarterback’s longest run is longer that his total passing yards for the game, which is exactly what happened to WVU this weekend. Watch for the Couch Burners to continue struggling this year, and for Uconn to win the “Big” East.

If you want to talk about a dominant running game on a team that’s actually good, you need to look at Georgia Tech. The Jackets had a staggering 438 rushing yards against Mississippi State, including four different players with 50+ rushing yards. Defense was the supposed reason Sylvester Croom was brought to Starkville, but Paul Johnson made him look like a fool in a 38-7 beat down (the Bulldogs didn’t even score until mid way through the fourth quarter). Count the Oceanliner among those who were chugging the Haterade when GT hired Johnson, but the guy obviously knows how to coach, and the Ramblin’ Wreck look solid.

On the other end of the spectrum, South Carolina State did not have their finest rushing day against Clemson. The Bulldogs had -10 rushing yards on 21 carries. That’s not going to help the average.

Ugly Game of the Week: Northwestern’s 16-8 win over Ohio featured 3 field goals, a 1 yard touchdown run, a 12 yard touchdown pass, a failed two point conversion and 9 total turnovers. Nine times.

My boy Ontario Sneed from Central Michigan continues to impress, no matter what Tyler says about his sweet ass name. The jack of all trades followed up last weeks two touchdown run performance with two touchdown catches this week against Purdue.

The aerial attack in the Boston College-Central Florida game was not what the offensive coordinators were hoping for. The two teams combined for seven interceptions. On the other hand, nobody fumbled!

In another bumbled aerial “attack”, Wyoming had three different quarterbacks throw picks against BYU.

In foreign policy news, the Akron kicker’s name is Igor Iveljic. I feel bad for the guy who comes to America to explore new worlds and ends up in Akron, Ohio.

Chase Daniel is a bad man. Dude completed 20 consecutive passes against Buffalo en route to 439 yards and 2 TD’s. He was 36-43 for the game, and is impressing me mightily. Impressive in the box scores that it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him play on TV yet. I need to fix that this year.

Previous box score perusing subject Javon Ringer of Michigan State is quickly becoming a staple of this space. Ringer followed up his 43 carry 282 yard performance against Florida Atlantic with another 39 carries and 201 yards against Notre Dame. H-O-R-S-E.

The Irish, on the other hand, had a stellar 22 carries for 16 yards.

No one is more excited for free post-surgery ice cream than Charlie Weis. No one.

Carolina’s backup quarterback completed five passes against the Hokies. Unfortunately two of them were to the wrong team. But guess who it is, Mike Paulus, brother of Dukie Greg. Well, Greg is used to throwing balls to the other team, so Mike is following in his footsteps. Heyoooo!

Fellow Episcopal High School grad Danny Coale led Tech in catches and receiving yards against UNC, as a freshman. Yes, we are taking over the world. John McCain is also an EHS grad. Like I said, no one can stop us. Except maybe old age.

Oregon has a running back named Jeremiah Johnson. What a head scalping badass.

Ian Johnson, Boise State running back who proposed after the Fiesta Bowl against Oklahoma, is still there. Way to throw your college experience away to marriage, I thought that guy had to be a senior back then.

One of Western Kentucky’s “quarterbacks” was 2-2 for -9 yards against Murray State. That’s hard to do, especially when they still won by 41.

Louisiana Lafayette had two rushers go for over 150 yards, with the quarterback going for 150 on the dot and their running back churned out a buck 94.

I got a headache looking at the New Mexico-Tulsa box score. D. Johnson had 469 passing yards and D. Johnson also had 109 receiving yards for Tulsa. I must have had a case of the Mondays, as it took me about a minute to realize they were different people.

Nicholls State completed two passes in the entire game against Memphis and was still tied at the half.

Quote of the Week: Warren Buffet is a badass, and he summed up the current financial situation like this. “You only learn who has been swimming naked when the tide goes out – and what we are witnessing at some of our largest financial institutions is an ugly sight.”

So Spain beat the United States in the Davis Cup over the weekend. Weird thing was, they played the tennis matches in the Madrid bullfighting ring.

Silly Spaniards, Trix are for kids.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I’m incredibry nervous about the Hoos taking on the Dukies in Durham. It’s a noon game, so if UVA loses, its going to be a long Saturday. But until next time, stay safe, keep it real and let it hang.

Perusing the Boxscore

Irony: So it turns out that little kid in the AIG commercial who couldn’t sleep because he was worried about his family’s financial security was onto something, huh?

There is a doctor’s office in the basement of my office building. One morning this week I saw a nurse hastily finishing a cigarette, at 7:45 am mind you, before going down to the basement for work. I was appalled. How can this person be trusted to advise someone on their health if they are a smoker? There should be a Good Samaritan Law where if you catch a nurse or doctor smoking you can report them and they lose their license on the spot. How would you feel as a patient if your doctor or nurse came in reeking of cigarette smoke?

Another weekend of college football come and gone; another full slate of interesting box scores to analyze. I swear, there are 10 things every week that I have never seen before. Take the Air Force-Houston game for example. Air Force didn’t complete a pass in the entire game…and won! Their quarterback was 0-7, but get this; the Falcons ran the ball 71 times for 380 yards and scored 31 points. Talk about a ground game. Air Force still managed 5.4 yards per carry on those 71 rushes, and as you can expect, won the time of possession battle. How intriguing.

Irony No. 2: The ESPN.com headline for the Cal-Maryland game read “Maryland’s relentless defense stifles No. 23 Cal”. Hmmmmm. Cal scored 27 points, got 26 first downs, racked up 461 yards of offense and only turned the ball over once. Yeah, “stifling” defense there in College Park. The real stifler was whoever scheduled the game for noon, so that kickoff felt like 9am for the Bears.

Michigan State running back Javon Ringer carried the ball 43 freakin times against Florida Atlantic, and still averaged 6.6 yards per carry for the day. That’s 282 rushing yards for you math majors out there. What a horse.

Navy running back Javod Bryant was the anti-Javon Ringer on Saturday. The Midshipman (note: in the singular) had 14 carries for a whopping 8 yards, averaging an impressive 0.6 yards per carry. Adding insult to a poor performance, Bryant had to go back to getting his balls hazed off knowing he lost to Duke. Tough day.

Continuing with odd rushing performances, Central Michigan’s Ontario Sneed summoned his inner Jerome Bettis and produced these numbers: 6 carries for 15 yards and 2 touchdowns. Consider Ontario Sneed my favorite name in college football. A great flow.

Oklahoma State absurdly had three running backs rush for more than 130 yards each against Missouri State, and they all needed less than 15 carries to do it. Keith Toston had 11 carries for 148 yards and a score. “Backup” Beau Johnson rushed 13 times for 138 yards and two TD’s. And “third stringer” Kendall Hunter added 132 yards on 11 carries and two touchdowns. Do you think these three laughed at “water boy” Michael Roberts after the game, who got 12 carries but only managed to gain 37 yards?

Washington State is really, really bad. They have lost their first three games by a combined 150-33, including Saturday’s 45-17 loss to mighty Baylor. If they can’t beat Portland State this week, it might be time just to give up.

As my Dad put accurately put it, Auburn hit a walk off homer in the ninth to beat Mississippi State 3-2. Woof.

The 16-13 Wyoming-North Dakota State game was another yawner. 5 field goals, a 2 yard touchdown run and a 3 yard touchdown pass. 13 punts. In Wyoming. Double woof.

BYU’s utter demolition of UCLA was about as methodical as you can get. 6 of the Cougars 7 touchdowns came from within 15 yards of the end zone. Their longest play from scrimmage was 37 yards. But every play seemingly got 7 yards. BYU threw for 337 and rushed for 184. They completed 77% of their passes and ran for 4.1 yards per carry. The defense pitched a shutout and forced 4 turnovers. That’ll get you to 59-0.

UCLA is bad. But do you know who is not bad? Sam Bradford and Chase Daniel. The Oklahoma quarterback was 18-21 for 304 yards a 5 TD’s while his Missouri counterpart went 23-28 for 405 yards and 4 TD’s. They both averaged over 14 yards per attempt.

Hawaii got the first laugh against Oregon State, but the Beavers got the last seven. After going up 7-0, the Warriors gave up 45 straight points. After their first drive, Hawaii went punt, punt, punt, punt, pick, missed field goal, pick, punt, pick, punt, punt, turnover on downs. After going 73 yards for a touchdown in just 1:57, Hawaii gained just 133 yards on their next 12 drives and 20:36 time of possession. Not good.

Regrettably UVA actually made the trip to Storrs and got walloped 45-10 by Uconn. I didn’t watch it but the most unacceptable part of the recap was seeing that the Huskies scored touchdowns on their first four possessions. That is truly pathetic. This from a UVA team whose defense is supposed to keep the team afloat this year. The Cavs allowed a tremendous 382 rushing yards, including 206 to Donald Brown alone. Uconn average 7.2 yards per carry, as opposed to 2.2 for the Cavs. This season is teetering on the edge of disaster. We have a bye week before playing Duke, which unfortunately is going to be a close game. Woof.

The St. Louis Rams may have a worse defense than UVA, but at least Chris Long is busting his ass per usual. Long had the first sack of his NFL career on Sunday, hopefully the first of many more. Good for him.

Also playing well on Sunday is the new starting tight end of the Indianapolis Colts, Tom Santi. The former Wahoo was filling in for the injured Dallas Clark, and had 5 catches for 29 yards. That’s a helluva place to be as a rookie.

So Austin and I had dinner at the Austin Grill last weekend (insert joke here). Well it turns out they have a meal called the Hangover Burger. It is a half-pound bacon cheeseburger with and fried egg and Texas chili on it. I was tempted to get it but A) my arteries screamed bloody murder and B) I wasn’t hung-over. The next time I’m hankering for a solid meal though, I know where to turn.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and fill ‘er up.

Saturdays with Verne

Breathe in deeply. Smell that? It’s the smell of fall and the greatest time of the year: football season. Now that the NFL kicked off we are in full pigskin mode and I’m ecstatic. I’m even happier that we are swinging into college conference play and I’ll have my weekly, Saturday afternoons date at 3:30 with Verne. Besides bowls and the NFL playoffs, nothing in football makes me as happy as listening to Verne Lundquist call the 3:30 SEC game on CBS. It is a pure pleasure. Watching the best college football in the land being called by the oracle that is Verne is simply sublime. This week we get USC-Georgia. And while the Dawgs will probably win, Spurrier always seems to give Georgia fits, no matter who he’s coaching. So here’s to you Verne, and to you SEC, for making fall more enjoyable.

So the world’s best pun writers have been having a field day with the news that Kim Jong Il is ill. Sounds like he’s been doing too many things that aren’t good for the Seoul! Zing! Shit, that’s South Korea. I’ve got nothing.

Perusing the college football box scores can yield some pretty hilarious statistics, especially early in the season when teams are playing D1-AA jokers at a rapid rate. Normal games can also produce odd stats. Here are some of my favorites from this past weekend, plus general football thoughts as well.

UVA’s next opponent, Connecticut, did not exactly light it up against Temple on Saturday, winning a 12-9 overtime snooze fest. What was strange is that Uconn running back Donald Brown had 214 yards on 36 carries…but didn’t score a touchdown until overtime. Apparently Brown ran wild until his team got into scoring position, and then he either got stuffed or he didn’t get the ball, I don’t know. Brown averaged 5.9 yards per carry, but his long was only 19. He ran for 6 yards on every carry 36 times it seems like, until his team needed it most that is. It didn’t help that the Uconn kicker was 2/5 on field goals. Very strange.

Virginia didn’t exactly light up the scoreboard either against Richmond. A huge problem is that Mikell Simpson rushed 23 times for a paltry 36 total yards. Dude could only average 1.6 yards per carry against freakin Richmond. Meanwhile, Cedric Peerman had 60 yards on 10 carries. Now I’m no coach, but it seems like Peerman should have gotten more carries. C’mon Al. Another huge problem is that our starting quarterback is a retarded pothead.

The UVA-Richmond game was the lowest scoring game of the weekend. Second lowest scoring game? Uconn-Temple. They can probably give the scoreboard operator the night off this coming Saturday.

Florida is going to have big trouble winning the SEC without a running game. The Gator running backs ran 9 times for 7 yards against Miami. Tim Tebow and Percy Harvin ran 18 times for 82 yards, but having your quarterback and best receiver doing double duty like that for a season is not going to hold up.

Texas State played a strange game against SMU. On offense, Texas State either scored or turned the ball over. For the whole game. They didn’t punt or turn the ball over on downs once. Here is the Texas State drive summary: fumble, fumble, interception, fumble, touchdown, touchdown, interception, touchdown, field goal, touchdown, touchdown. They were either amazing or atrocious. If there are any moral victories, it is turning the ball over on your first 4 possessions and only losing by 11.

There were only two punts in the whole SMU-Texas State game.

There were 13 punts in the UVA-Richmond game.

There were 12 punts in the Uconn-Temple game.

I’ll say it again, Uconn plays UVA this week. Ye gods.

After tying the game at 7, Montana State watched Kansas State score 62 unanswered points, including three defensive touchdowns. That would be quite demoralizing.

Arkansas State opened their game against Texas Southern by going on a 52-0 run. In the first half. Texas Southern then kicked a field goal to “cut” the lead to 52-3. Again, I’m no coach, but when I’m down 52-0, before halftime, I ain’t kickin’ no godamn field goal.

Arkansas State ran for 441 yards on 44 carries in the game. That’s right, they averaged 10 yards a carry on 44 carries. That’s beyond video game ridiculousness.

Oklahoma State had both a running back and a wide receiver go over 200 yards for the day against Houston. Kendall Hunter had 210 yards on 22 carries and 2 touchdowns and Dez Bryant had 9 catches for 236 yards and 3 touchdowns. That’s Monopoly money.

Cal’s Jahvid Best had two 80+ yard touchdown runs against Wazzu. Besides those two runs Best averaged only 2.8 yards per carry. Including those runs, Best averaged 14.2 yards per carry. Best had more rushing yards than Washington State had total yards. And this was a conference game. Ye gods.

The answer to last week’s riddle is a trick question. Girls would never be in the woods in the first place on their cell phones. They would either be in their car, walking on the sidewalk, sitting at the dinner table, or going grocery shopping.

During halftime of Monday Night Football I got excited because I thought they were going to bring back the Jacked Up segment, where they show the biggest hits of the week. I was sorely disappointed when I discovered that the segment had been renamed Sunday Thunder, they only showed 3 hits instead of 5, and that everyone in the booth didn’t scream when the person got hit. Add it to the infinite list of why ESPN is going into the toilet.

Did yall catch the US Open final where Federer wiped his ass with Andy Murray? Maybe it wouldn’t have been such a rout if Murray hadn’t been sporting such egregious facial hair.

Good God man. Some people need to accept that they just can’t grow good facial hair. Like Tyler. Or 2nd Lieutenant Owen T. Caldwell I should say.

So I’m doing a college football pick’em and one of the games this week is Iowa-Iowa State. I know nothing about either team so I decided to check their schedules, as both are 2-0, to see if either had beaten anyone of consequence. It turns out both teams have played the weakest schedule on either side of the Mississippi. The two pansy Iowa teams have played South Dakota State, Kent State, Maine and Florida International. What a pair of sack-less coaches. Good luck playing in the Midol Bowl Boys.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Enjoy the glory of football season. Stay safe everyone.

Labor Day Doldrums

It’s a short week so all you get is a short post.

The pride of Charlottesville, Sean Singletary, has been traded yet again this off season. He was drafted by the Kings, only to be shipped to the Rockets in the Ron Artest trade. Then in late August, 44 was traded again, this time to the Suns in exchange for DJ Strawberry. I find this personally hilarious, as I have many vivid memories of Singletary wiping the floor with Strawberry’s carcass. The Suns are a good fit for Singletary, who will get many chances to show what he can do in the open court, where he was at his strongest anyway. Plus the Suns want to lower Steve Nash’s minutes, which gives more opportunity. The only other point guard the Suns have is a 22 year old Slovenian named Goran Dragic, so there is a good chance Singletary will get some solid minutes. Especially when this is what Dragic looks like:

Singletary is going to eat him alive. I can’t wait to see 44 lobbing alley oops to Shaq and the Human Freight Train, Amare Stoudemire.

The Crocs situation has gotten out of hand. I saw a knockoff version of the already hideous shoes in CVS that are called Doggers, with their logo being a dogs head. Wow. At least if you are going to blatantly rip off another brand you should call your product something a little different. But no, they choose another animal nickname. As Chuck Berkeley would say, turrible.

Someone at ESPN must have lost a bet to Lou Holtz. How else can you explain his continued (increased even!) presence on television. The newest embarrassment is “Paging Dr. Lou”, where he answers athletes’ questions. I’ll say it again; the guy lacks every quality you need to be on TV: he’s stupid, anti insightful, he can’t speak the English language and he’s hideous.

Here’s a riddle for you. If a tree falls in the woods, but everyone in the woods are girls talking on their cell phones, does the tree make a sound? And if it does, do the girls in the supermarket who are talking on their cell phones to the girls in the woods hear the tree fall and realize they are getting in everyone’s way? Check back in next week for the answer.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Charlottesville was amazing last weekend, even though the game was an embarrassment. Tubing on Sunday was glorious, per usual. Until next time, as always, stay safe, keep it real and tee it up.