2nd ½ ’07 NVBSAS A.S.

Happy Holidays loyal readers. I hope everyone got some baller ass gifts for Christmas. Tis the season.

One of the small but satisfying joys in my life is stumbling upon random, crazy, non senseical and hilarious bumper stickers, some of which take pot shots at random people for completely oblivious reasons. Anyhoo, I have jotted down my favorite bumper sticker sayings from the past few months and have decided to share them with yall here. It gives me a laugh at some of the things people decide to care about and share with the world. So, in no particular order, here are your Northern Virginia Bumper Sticker All Stars for the 2^nd half of 2007. Or, 2^nd ½ ’07 NVBSAS A.S.

Save Fenway!

That’s weird, I didn’t know Fenway Park was in any danger. Silly Bostonians.

Sears Unfair to Retirees

Again, maybe I’m not up to date on Labor Union Monthly, but I hadn’t heard of this gripping battle between old people and a company that is going bankrupt. I think this may be 1 of 16 bumper stickers like this in the whole country, all owned by people named Earl and Edna.

Arctic Circle

Yeah, that’s all it said. It was a round shape and looked like a normal sticker for some Busch League beach, but instead in had Artic Circle and its longitude and latitude coordinates. Somehow I don’t think this guy drove his Geo Metro to the Artic Circle, but that’s just a hunch.

I Heart 311

I’m impressed that a 311 fan cared enough to make this one. I’m also impressed that they woke up from their drug-induced coma for enough time with enough conscious effort to get the job done. Well-played sir.

I Heart Jet Noise

What? You better say that louder. I couldn’t hear you over all that sarcasm.

War/Poverty/Abortion/Euthanasia/Capital Punishment/Racism

This bumper sticker had a big red line through all of these terms denouncing them. I didn’t know people projected their entire views on the back of their car, but hey, everyone’s different. Also, I didn’t think people had to state their stance on Racism anymore. This isn’t 1952. Or Sudan.

Jesus was a Liberal

I wonder which party this guy votes for.

NOVA Southeastern Community College

You need a compass and topography stakes just to find this pansy ass school. If no one has heard of your school, and you shout a cheer, does it make a sound?

*This next one was on a Suburban, and the message was surrounded by Fleur de Lis*

I drove my Chevy to the levy but the levy was gone

Burn! Man this one is great, outta nowhere too. Who exactly is this bumper sticker zinging? FEMA? Prez Bush? New Orleans? Mother Nature? The Superdome? The Army? This is spectacular. Whoever is getting rocked is getting rocked hard. I love it. Touche salesman.

And my favorite bumper sticker from the past couple of months is…drumroll please….

Don’t drive faster than your guardian angel can fly

Bu-bu-wwwwhaattt? Rrrrandom. I stared at this one for a solid minute and could not even come close to figuring out what it meant. No religious signs were on it, or connections to any organizations. Priceress. Just prain priceress.

Well, there you have it folks, my cop out column of the week. Sue me, it’s Christmas. I would love to hear of other hilarious bumper stickers than people have seen recently, the more the merrier. I hope everyone has a bomb ass weekend, I know I will. The Word on Saturday night, Skins-Cowboys live on Sunday and New Years on Monday. Can life get any better? I submit that it cannot! Until next time, keep it real, stay safe and do the Superman.

NBA Volleyball All Star Team

The Oceanliner has long contended that elite NBA players, if properly trained, would without a doubt become the most dominant volleyball players on the face of the planet. NBA athletes’ combination of speed, strength, agility, reflexes, and athleticism is perhaps unmatched in the realm of professional sports. They need all of these attributes to excel on the hardwood, and this same skill set is what appears to be needed on the volleyball pitch. Could you imagine if LeBron James spent 3 months with a formal volleyball coach, learning the proper techniques of the game? He would be the most dominant player in the world. He would literally kill people with his spikes, and on defense all he would have to do is go for ridiculous blocks (instead of face guarding other players, his one weakness). Who the hell would be able to spike it past the 6’8”, 240 lb, 7-foot wingspan, 44-inch vertical leap Bron Bron? Absolutely no one. Except maybe another NBA player.

It is with this in mind that I decided to publish my first annual NBA Volleyball All Star Team. A team that would undoubtedly bring home world titles, if such a thing even exists in the world of professional volleyball. I have no idea how many players a volleyball team normally carries, but I know six people are on the floor at any given time. I decided to round this out with 4 bench spots, for a total of 10 NBA reps on my inaugural squad. I wanted 2 big guys, 2 crafty set up men, and 6 freak-of-nature leapers to pound the opponent into submission. Thus, optimally, there would be 1 setter, 1 big man and 4 flyers on the court at any given time.

Going through all the rosters in the NBA, I arrived at 3 consensus starters that I didn’t have to think twice about. King James is in the lineup at leaper number 1, with no hesitation whatsoever. Being only 22, it is a near lock he will be on this team for many years to come.

Unanimous starter number 2 is Dwight Howard, eminent big man. When my friends and I were arguing over this fictional team at some point during 4th year at UVA, I can’t remember if I included Howard in my starting lineup or not. If I didn’t, I was a lunatic. Howard is a must start. Kid is an absolute freak of nature and a monster around the rim/volleyball net. 6’11”, 270 lbs, 7’8” wingspan and a 38-inch vertical leap. Dude’s like a freight train coming at you. The other team would have to wear roller blading wrist guards to avoid breaking their wrists if they tried to block a Howard spike. He’s first in the NBA in rebounds and 4th in blocks. He’d be a black hole on the front line. Also only 22, expect many an all NBA Volleyball All Star Team selections for Howard.

My last consensus starter may be controversial, but I didn’t waver a bit. Kobe Bryant is definitely in my top 6. Maybe because he’s been so good for so long, people tend to forget how incredibly athletic Bryant is, with an incredible ability to finish. While LeBron and Howard would throw down vicious spike after vicious spike, Kobe would mix it up with some finesse drop shots and spin finishes. Not to say that Bryant couldn’t throw it down (he is capable of some merciless KO’s), but his versatility around the net would be almost unstoppable. On top of this, Kobe is perhaps the most competitive player in the whole league, and would ride the nonexistent chip on his shoulder and become one of the top 3 volleyball players in the world. Kobe Bryant, Leaper number 2.

Rounding out the leapers, I chose Shawn Marion and Tracy McGrady. Not only is the Matrix one hell of an athlete, but also he may be the most versatile player on the court. His quick hands and ball hawking instinct would be invaluable on defense. His ability to adjust midair would render him never out of position. Plus, you know, he’s a freak athlete who can jump to Mars and slam the ball through the floor. Yeah, that too. Tmac perhaps suffers the same fate as Bryant because he’s been so good for so long. But still only 28, McGrady can definitely still bring it.

As for my set up man, only two people came to mind, Chris Paul and Deron Williams. Both stud young point guards made the team immediately; it was just a question of who was going to start. Paul gets the nod because of his much quicker hands and reflexes. He leads the NBA in steals per game, so if a ball miraculously got past the front line of Howard, LBJ and Kobe, Paul would be better suited to dig it out and keep the play alive. Both Williams and CP3 would be magnificent in setting up the leapers for stupendous kills.

So there you have it. The first annual NBA Volleyball All Star Team starting lineup:

LeBron James
Dwight Howard
Kobe Bryant
Shawn Marion
Tracy McGrady
Chris Paul

What a scary lineup to think about. No doubt the best volleyball team in the world.

As for the 4 reserves, we already know Deron Williams will backup Paul as the setter. Amare Stoudamire is the backup big man. It was only like 2 years ago that Amare was the current Howard, and I believe he can still bring it. The leapers couldn’t be complete without Vince Carter. I know he’s getting older, but there’s no one I would rather have on my bench ready to go in for 5-10 plays a game and go Vinsanity on fools than Carter. Last but not least, I’m going to take a page right out of the Team USA Olympic basketball book and select a young unproven player right out of college as my 10th man. Tyrus Thomas, welcome to the team. This is my Jay Bilas pick, based solely on potential. Thomas is a freak, and if he doesn’t pan out, so what? The other 9 guys would roll through any volleyball competition with their eyes closed.

That’s the team. The all NBA Volleyball All Stars. If you think I’m wrong, which I’m not, I’d still love to hear everyone else’s starting 6 and 4 reserves. Feel free to comment on who you think should be on the team. That way I can laugh at all the delusional lineups that come in.

Aaaaaand I’m spent, that’s it for this week folks. I hope everyone has a great Christmas, and if you are traveling, stay safe. Until next time, stay tuned and slam some bourbon for me. Happy Holidays.

A State of Emergency

So Mike Vick got 23 months. I think that’s pretty fair. One of the major topics that are being discussed in the wake of his sentencing is whether Vick will be able to return to the NFL after serving his time. People are saying that he will have spent too much time away from the game to be able to come back and be a quarterback in the NFL. John Clayton says his physical skills will diminish by too much and the game will pass him by.

People must not realize what a horrendous state of affairs the quarterback position is in the National Football League right now. Some of the worst quarterback play the league has ever seen is being showcased every week, and it’s becoming a state of emergency, yet no one has seemed to notice.

The list of awful quarterbacks who have either started or played significant minutes in a game this year is staggering. The NFL should be giving refunds to ticket holders that are being forced to watch such putrid performances. These are some of the trick ass marks, mark ass tricks, skip skap skalliwags and hoolihoops that have played quarterback in the NFL this year:

Kyle Orton and Shaun Hill are both slated to start this week, for the Bears and 49ers respectively. Kyle Orton is so bad that he was the backup to Rex Grossman and Brian Griese. All three of these bums will have started for the defending Super Bowl runner ups. Shaun Hill is starting for my beloved 49ers on Sunday, and I’ve never heard his name in my life. He was the starting quarterback at Maryland while I was at UVA, and I’ve never heard of him. The 49ers have averaged a league worst 13 points a game this year, and there’s no way they are going to come anywhere close to that against the Bengals this weekend. Also, the 9ers signed 76 year old Chris Weinke as their emergency quarterback.

By the way, the Patriots have scored 332 more points than the 49ers this year.

In a game earlier this year, Vinny Testaverde and Trent Dilfer were the opposing starting quarterbacks in an “NFL” game. Fans should have sued the NFL for false advertisement. Vinny and Dilfer have more business pushin AARP and Propecia than starting in the NFL.

Gus Ferrotte and Brock Berlin have both started for the pathetic St. Louis Rams this year. Good they they gave $60 mil to Bulger,

Chad Pennington and Kellen Clemens have been the signal callers for the Jets this season. A 5^th grade girl could jump one of Pennington’s out routes and Clemens has been terrible.

Down in Miami, Cleo Lemon (yes, that’s his real name) and John Beck have been dueling to see which can have the worst record as a starter. They are both succeeding equally as poorly, combining for a .000 winning percentage.

Atlanta obviously got a raw deal with Vick electrocuting dogs, but their decision to get rid of Matt Schaub has really kicked them in the nuts. They have started Joey “Piano Hands” Harrington, Byron “Where’s the Buffett” Leftwich and most recently Chris “Who the hell is Chris Redman” Redman. Not that Schaub has even been that impressive, but he looks like the Golden Boy compared to these idiots.

AJ Feeley is doing two things, sucking at starting a couple games for the Eagles and seeing how long he can use an elementary school nickname before he gets his ass beat.

The Ravens are just plain pitiful. Kyle Boller is the lead candidate for his 5^th consecutive All Loser Team selection and I think Steve McNair’s right leg just fell off. At some point, McNair’s body is actually going to shatter like the T1000 at the end of the second Terminator. Except this time it wont slither back together.

Josh and Luke McCown have both started games this year, for the Raiders and Bucs. Who?

Not only have the Pathers played Vinny Testaverde, but he is actually their best option compared to David “Butler Hands” Carr and nobody Matt Moore.

It is easy to forget Kansas City still has a franchise when their two starters this year, Damon Huard and Brodie Croyle, have the first names of a bad steakhouse, and game worse than a Long John Silver’s.

Charlie Frye was your opening day starter in Cleveland. I think he’s selling sandals along the highway now.

The legendary Todd Collins looks like the starter for the rest of the season for the Skinnies.

Bruce Gradkowski, Troy Smith, Sage Rosenfels, and Tyler Thigpen have all played at least a half a game this year fro their respective slubs. 20 bucks to whoever knows who all four play for.

These honestly cannot be quarterbacks in the NFL. That sounds like a list of homeless people, not quarterbacks. Some of this is being overshadowed by Tom Brady’s amazing season, but the NFL really has to take a look at this crisis.

I don’t know what the cause is. Some of it may have to do with the prevalence of the spread in college. The guys are only making one or two reads before running the ball. But I have no idea. All I know is that the level of quarterback play in the bottom 20 teams in the NFL is unacceptable.

I didn’t even mention semi scrubs that may suck like Vince Young, Jay Cutler, Matt Lenient, Kurt Warner, Alex Smith, Tarvaris Jackson, JP Losman and Trent Edwards.

So the real point is, after 550 words, is that Mike Vick could definitely play quarterback in the NFL, probably until he was 50, given the level of absolute losers currently sucking a huge amounts of nuts under center in the NFL right now.

RIP Ribrary Courts Vending Machine

It has given up many a memory, but alas, the Ribrary Courts vending machine is no more. Turns out they figured something out and shut down the free soda reign. One day The Oceanliner came home and walked into the elevator waiting area, and I could feel a huge void, but couldn’t figure out what it was. Then I realized there was no vending machine in the corner. They had terminated it. Those bastards. Ceejay…

Well, that’s it for now. I have my company Xmas party on Friday afternoon, and Austin’s is later that night. Should be a good time. Until next time, keep warm, rock some sweet sweaters and keep chuggin that eggnog.

College Basketball Musings

The collegiate basketball season is young, but already very exciting. Preseason tournaments gave us some very heated action for November, and before you know it the grind of mid February conference play will be upon us. One of the great things about college basketball is that you can stumble across a great game almost every night of the week. Whereas college football rises, crescendos and falls around each Saturday, great hardwood games are scattered throughout the week, providing much more exposure for the game and opportunity to catch teams from all across the country in action. Let’s do it.

Starting of course with the Cavaliers, I don’t know if there is a player in the country I would rather have on my team than Sean Singletary. Kid is an absolute stud. Will pour in at least 20 a night, and now that Leito has surrounded him with some good talent he has upped his assists average to 6.9 a game. Singletary is uber good, ultra competitive and clutch as hell. I foresee a couple more Duke-game-floater-camera-finer-pointing moments this year. The rest of the ACC already knows how good Singletary is; hopefully this is the year the rest of the country figures it out as well.

The Cavs supporting cast aint half bad either. Adrian Joseph, when he’s not out killing people, has started to flourish in his role as a 3 jacking swingman who can jump out of the gym. What’s really impressive is his crashing the boards, pulling down over 8 a game to lead the team. Mamadi Diane is maddeningly inconsistent, but when he is playing well, he’s lights out and very smooth.

Calvin Baker is a huge addition to the backcourt. A transfer from William and Mary, Baker led the team in scoring and assists as a frosh before transferring to Charlottesville. It’s so nice to have a guard that can spell Singletary both in scoring and ball handling, something the Cavs haven’t had in the last 3 years.

I love the swingmen and forwards that Leito has started to recruit. Jamil Tucker, Jeff Jones, Will Harris and Mike Scott all look comfortable on the floor and seem to know what they are doing. As Oceanliner compadre David “Wealth Manager: Gutierrez mentioned, “I feel cofident that Leito will continue to field a competitive team. And in the ACC, that’s all you can ask for.

Mikalauskas and Pettinella are not good. But they are basically the same player, which is nice because that means they have 10 fouls to give as a whole, instead of just one clumsy white big man. This is good because I think Lars and Pett are 1-2 in the nation in fouls per minute. Both are never looking to score, but can rebound decently and can get some nice put backs on offensive boards. Plus they can catch the ball, which is different than Tunji. Soroye simply cannot catch the ball while running, which is a real shame, because he turned into a fine defensive player.

The Oceanliner and a fellow UVA grad coworker have been scintillated by the fact that Pettenella could go an entire season with more fouls than points. As horrendous/hilarious as this may sound, he is on pace to do just that. Through the Syracuse game, Ryan had 17 fouls to just 15 points. This will obviously be tracked throughout the season.

Is there a more awkward player in the nation than Larunas Mikalauskas? I think not, and I dare someone to prove me otherwise. Anyone who saw Lars celebrating after beating Arizona knows what I’m talking about. Plus, his haircut looks so bad when he starts sweating its unbelievable. His bowl cut looks like a series of drapes across his forehead 30 seconds into the game. Frankenstein needs to go back to the buzz cut, pronto.

Now onto thoughts of some of the other teams I have seen play in the early going.

I watched the entire Duke-Marquette game over Thanksgiving break in the final of the Maui Classic. I hate to admit it, but the Dookies are going to be really freakin good this year. They have a very nice collection of players, with no real superstar, but very high quality basketball players. Nelson is going to be the anchor, and is very unselfish. Henderson is really coming into his own as a freak above the rim kinda guy who brings instant energy to the team. Paulus and Scheyer can do just enough with the talent around them to contribute. And Kyle Singler is a stud. The next Duke white guy I’m going to love to hate has the inside outside game to really be a force. They beat a good Marquette team fairly easily, and they have not even begun to mesh. Dook-Carolina is always a good one, but both teams this year are L.O.A.D.E.D. I can’t wait.

I hope Brandan Wright is liking the nomadic life of an NBA bench warmer in Golden State rather than having the time of his life at Chapel Hill and contending for a national championship. Loser.

We had a Gary Forbes sighting! The ex Cavalier who “transferred” to UMASS (after flunking out of UVA) had 23 points, 6 boards and 7 assists in the Minutemen’s upset win over the Cuse. He’s averaging 21 points and 7 rebounds per game for the season. I’m happy for Forbes. He was always one of the nicest guys to the managers when I was doing that stint, and never took a series off. The guy always busted his ass on the floor, even when Leito made the switch to him coming off the bench.

The new rule where kids have to go to college for one year is a joke. If the NBA really wanted to make it worthwhile for a kid to get an education, they would have made a minimum of 2-3 years. To be eligible for only one year you honestly never have to go to class. If you never went to a single class first semester, they would but you on academic warning. Then you would skip your 2nd semester classes and by the time the school suspended you, you’re in the NBA. All you would have to do is not kill or rape someone, and you would be eligible. Granted, this is only the case for 5-6 college freshman who would have been guaranteed to go top 10 (Michael Beasley, OJ Mayo, Kevin Love), but the rule is a joke. The NBA doesn’t even need it. Can you imagine LeBron James if he had to go to college for a year? Dwight Howard? Garnett? Kobe? It would have been a comedy of errors. It is a good rule in football, because rarely could a high school senior play in the NFL the next year, if ever. But basketball is so much simpler and there is so much less body maturing to do. J.O.K.E.

I realize that players love baggy shorts, but it really has gone too far. I was watching the Texas-UCLA game the other night and The Oceanliner and Beercan both noticed how comically large Texas point guard DJ Ausgustin’s shorts were. Take a look at how hilariously long they are. That’s got to affect your mobility.Well, that about covers it for this week. The Oceanliner is excited about all of the holiday parties coming up, plus the Christmas season in general. Also, a New Year’s Day bowl is an awesome reward for a good season. I’m very excited about waking up very hazily in ’08 and being able to turn the Cavs on at 1pm. Terrific. Hope everyone is doing well out there. Until next time, stay safe and stay real.

An Incredibly Successful Season

If you are a UVA fan and are unhappy with the way the football season turned out, you are delusional. We had an amazing season, and did just about as well as you possibly could have hoped for. UVA will never contend for national championships, that is just a fact. Since we are never going to go undefeated, a 9-3 season and a trip to a respectable bowl game in Florida on or around New Years (Gator preferably, Champs Sports acceptably) is something to be very thankful for.

The absolutely best case scenario for UVA football is a 10-2 record and a spot in the ACC title game. To think that these dreams lasted until the last game of the season against your biggest rival who is ranked in the Top 10 is all you can hope for.

We played well in the Tech game too; we just lost to a better team who made more big plays. By no means did they dominate the Cavaliers. We had the ball in the 4th quarter, down by 2, and couldn’t take advantage.

To be unhappy with the way the Wahoo football season played out is to be unhappy with life. I don’t want to hear it. We played too well and had too many good things happen to be brought down by a bunch of haters, and UVA nation definitely has their fair share of chuggers. There are plenty of reasons to be happy about this season.

We played 12 regular season games, and only laid an egg in one of them. Wyoming was the only contest that the team just didn’t show up in, and we got the hell beat out of us. But to have a season in which your team had a chance to win in 11 out of 12 games, and to take 9 of them? Incredible. If you root for a good team, and not a great team, all you can ask for is a chance to win, and UVA football gave us that effort in all but one game.

This is especially impressive when you remember that we had just come off of a 5-7 season, had no impact freshman to speak of, and were picked to finish fourth in our division of the conference. Al Groh did a helluva job coaching these boys up, considering it was basically the same roster as last year. UVA has no receivers, so we didn’t try and throw the ball to receivers. Our top 3 pass catchers were Tom Santi, Mikell Simpson and Jonathan Stupar (TE, RB, TE). Groh even had the balls to continue with Simpson after he lit up Maryland for over 250 total yards instead of deferring to an older Andrew Pearman. Groh recognized Simpsoon’s talent in Game Day and stuck with it.

The Cavs finally learned how to finish out close games against inferior opponents. All that matters at the end of the day is a W, that’s what gets you good bowls. Tying a school record for consecutive wins while setting an NCAA record for most wins by 2 points is a great feeling. What does it really mean? A good bowl game. Committees are going to look at our 9 wins, not how we got them.

Watching Chris Long play is an absolute pleasure. It’s not everyday you get to root for a certain top 5 draft pick with a chance make a game changing play every time he’s on the field. The way he single handedly blew up Maryland and won the game for us was one of the few times I’ve been in awe of a defensive players and followed him instead of the ball when the Terps had possession. The shot of the helpless offensive lineman for Maryland slamming his helmet down on the sideline in frustration was such a great image of how good Long is and how bad he got into Maryland’s dome. The Terps QB probably still has nightmares about that hellacious safety. Long is definitely on roids though, good God.

Groh almost gave me a heart attack every time he called shovel pass play to Simpson, although it seemed to work every freakin time. I think the first time I saw it was in the Maryland game, and we ran it from our own 5-yard line, and I almost shat my pants. But it worked, and kept on working, and became one of my favorite plays.

Jameel Sewell is like Marques Hagans 2.0. They are both incredible at avoiding sacks, but Sewell is a better passer and more poised in the pocket. He will wait longer to bail out, and has just about the same scrambling ability as Hagans did. In honor of Doc Walker, I nominate Sewell’s nickname to be The Magician 2.0. I am excited to see what he can do next year with hopefully an upgraded receiving corp with Kevin Ogletree back. Covington is a perfect possession receiver alongside Ogletree’ awesome talent, and you know we will have good tight ends.

Mikell Simpson will be 1st team All ACC by the time he leaves. You heard it here first. So will Jeff Fitzgerald.

Best/corniest game day slogan of the year? UCONN not beat us, seen on countless free buttons before the game against the Huskies. Priceless.

I’m glad I wrote a post about Miami, just for the response it got from brother Bart. If you haven’t seen it, take a look here for a priceless image in your mind. God I wish I had been there.

Well, that about does it. A very successful season in the books, and a bright outlook on next year. I made it to 5 UVA games this year and hope to continue to do much of the same next in the ’08. First priority is getting tickets to the home game against Southern Cal on August 30th. It’s gonna be huge, and everyone should try and make it back. Until next time, hope everyone is doing well as we head into the holid

R.I.P. Wizards 2007-08 Season

27 minutes after posting my last item, The Oceanliner read that Agent 0 is out for three months after 2 surgeries on his already surgically repaired left knee. Bye bye Wizards season. Hey, I will probably be able to make it to more games now with less ticket competition. I just lost 80% of the reason I'm going to be a Wizards fan. Horrible news.

NBA Musings

This past weekend, The Oceanliner made his triumphant return to the NBA by attending the Wizards-Blazers game on Saturday night. Here are some of the highlights/lowlights.

Freakin Gilbert Arenas didn’t play. 80% of the reason I am trying to become a Wizards fan is because of Agent 0, and he sits out with a bum knee. What a sissy.

Steve Blake started at point guard for Portland. What a joker. Your typical Maryland douchebag who looks like he got hit in the face with a two by four. I was never more comfortable during the game than when Blake jacked up a 3. Instant brick.

Antawn Jamison’s game is still smooth as hell. Dropped 30 and 11 on the Odenless Trail Blazers with an array of jumpers, floaters, slashes and put backs that left me very impressed. Added four treys, 2 assists and a steal with only 1 turnover in 35 minutes of play. He did it so efficiently and seemingly effortlessly too. Great to watch.

We had a Raef LaFrentz sighting! Maybe the highlight of the night. Late in the 4th quarter I see this hulking, awkward white guy lumber onto the floor for the visitors and I think, “Man, I would know that physique anywhere…shit, it’s Raef LaFrentz!”. Talk about stealing a paycheck. Dude’s making $12 million this year coming off the bench for 5 minutes a game! If he continues to average 5.5 minutes a game, he will make $27,584 per minute this year. Absorutery Unbereivable.

Best. Promotion. Ever. During one timeout, the scoreboard started flashing “Chipotle Burrito Dash” and a woman carrying a tray of at least 20 foil wrapped burritos ran out onto center court. Then 10 people wearing Chipotle t-shirts came running out, grabbed 2 or 3 burritos each and started running into the crowd handing out free burritos! That would have made my life. A free Chipotle burrito completely out of nowhere? Heaven. One of the promotion guys even threw a burrito into the crowd. Man, if you were looking and a fatty burrito rocked you in the head, that shit would knock you out. Knock you out with goodness! Zing!

Instead of a burrito, The Oceanliner caught a free t-shirt instead. A horrible downgrade. The shirt is so shoddy and rough that I bet the 13-year-old kid that made it was wearing something more comfortable than the free shirt when it was produced in some South East Asian sweatshop.

Darius Songaila of Wake Forest Fame played 20 minutes for the Wizards. Ouch. They need the Hibachi back, and fast. Songaila is quickly going down the Raef LaFrentz road.

Speaking of ACC scrubs, Brendan Haywood, Jarrett Jack and Roger Mason all played significant minutes in the contest as well, along with Blake and Songaila. It’s all of the ACC I want to forget, yet here they are posing as professional basketball players.

Travis Outlaw came into the game for Portland. The Oceanliner and Schling could not be certain if this was the same person as Bo Outlaw or not. We went with yes. Upon further review, Travis is 23 and indeed plays for the Blazers, while Bo is 36 and is on the Magic. Both are 6-8, 220 pound power forwards with shaved heads. Who knew?

Caron Butler threw down a sweet jam on a breakaway, where he did a one handed slam with his right hand while holding his head with his left, with his elbow pointing out. Very cool.
The Reverend Al Sharpton was at the game, and was shown on the Jumbotron. Priceless

Nationals manager Manny Acta was also at the game, and also shown on the Jumbotron. The hilarious part here was that for the first 5 seconds there was no caption, and everyone in the building was silent while thinking “Who the hell is this clown?”. Then his name appeared and the crowd gave the appropriate applause.

The loudest the crowd got the whole game is when the PA guy showed a Cowboys logo on the Jumbotron.

PA guy strikes again. During one timeout, they did the popular “Kiss Cam” thing, where they show a couple on the Jumbotron and they give each other a quick peck. After about a minute of this, the camera guy zoomed in on the Blazers huddle and showed two players on the kiss cam. Everyone laughed at the poor Blazers. Cheesy, but funny.

Rookie Nick Young out of Southern Cal had 17 points in only 15 minutes off the bench for the former Bullets. He was very impressive, hitting a variety of jumpers, as well as skying for a massive dunk that got the crowd going. He’s going to be good.

NBA crowds are so pathetic compared to their collegiate counterparts. It was like the difference between crowds at Rage Against the Machine and Kenny G concerts.

There were 5 traveling calls in the game. I was stunned. I thought they had stopped calling that. I’ve seen King James take 6 steps and the ref hasn’t even thought about blowing his whistle. Crazy.

All in all, it was a very enjoyable evening. The Wiz cruised to a 19 point win, and the basketball was entertaining. The Oceanliner will definitely try and make it back to Verizon Center again this year. On deck though is the big one. I will be down in Charlottesville this weekend for the showdown with the Hokies. Give me a shout if you will be in town. I know Eroder, Arod, Austin, Heather and myself will be in attendance. Make it down if you can. Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Until next time, stay out of the paint. I keep the purp by the pound.

Buuaaaahhhhh at the O.B.

Buuaaaahhhhh! Cmon yall, do it with me now. Buuaaaahhhhh! Knee slap, knee slap. Double clutch now. Bu-bu-buuaaaahhhhh! Knee slap, head roaring back it laughter. That’s the only way to describe the complete and utter ass whooping UVA laid on Miami this weekend. It was one of the best experiences of my life. Total domination for 60 minutes, something I have never seen a Cavalier football team do. And to do it in front of a packed Orange Bowl of 62,106? Unfathomable. We have always sucked playing on the road. We have sucked even more playing in the state of Florida, 0-15 all time before Saturday night.

And believe you me, this crowd was ready for a rampage. The Oceanliner was with Austin, Kyle, Schling, LT and Pwebb tailgating in the Miami student section for about 2 hours before the game, and people were going absolutely insane. EVERYONE was decked out in every piece of Miami gear they owned. People were running around in the streets starting chants. The parking lot we were in was so condensed; it made Foxfields seem like wide-open spaces. I was very impressed. And there was no ill will towards us UVA fans at all. Sure we got the occasional heckle, but no beer baths, curse outs or quasi fights at all. Everyone was just so excited for the game. It did get a little creepy though when a UM fan stood up on his truck waving a UVA flag…and proceeded to set it on fire while thousands of people cheered. Helluva sight though.

This carried over to the pregame ceremony in a big way. The Miami student section was directly across from us and they were going apeshit. I’m not going to lie, I got the chills when smoke filled the inflated Miami helmet and the players stormed out on the field while the fans went ballistic. Very impressive.

But that’s where it ended. 48-0. 2 forced fumbles. 3 interceptions. A blocked punt. 418-189 in total yards. The worst shutout loss in Orange Bowl history. But the thing that shocked me the most was the fact that UVA took the will out of the Miami players. I have NEVER seen the Wahoos do that on a football field. The game was over with 10 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. We took the opening possession of the 2nd half back for a touchdown, and Miami simply gave up. They came out and just ran the ball, using the full huddle the whole time. No sense of urgency. No sense of pride. Resignation.

It was amazing because all the UVA fans could enjoy the rest of the game knowing completely that it was in the bag. It was so serene and so enjoybale.

Needless to say, we all had an awesome time in Miami. And as we conclude for this week, The Oceanliner is proud to add a new segment to the show. I will now be giving out awards for the weekend that was. Drumroll please....

Douchebag of the Week: This one could have gone to any of the hundreds of gel head guidos we saw at the bar on Friday night, but was actually won earlier that morning at the DC airport. Keep in mind that it is 6:30 in the A.M., and this dude shows up wearing flip flops, pure white sweatpants that are cutoff three quarters of the way down his legs (Rafael Nadal style), a gray “Endless Summer Surf Shop” hoodie, a white, wool beanie WITH a bill, and a necklace made of white shells. What a complete loser. What was even more perplexing that that was the fact that he was with an attractive girl dressed like she was going to a business meeting. Meanwhile, he’s day dreaming about the perfect swell he’s going to catch in San Diego later this year, bra. What a joker.

Cultural Identity Crisis of the Week: Our cab driver from the Miami airport to our hotel was named Romulus. Hilarious. A little strange though, he didn’t look very Italian…

Scarface Moment of the Week: At the bar on Friday night, all of the tabletops in the upstairs portion of the bar were mirrors. Yaayooooo!

She Must Not Have Seen Scarface: At the same bar on Friday night, the group The Oceanliner was with watched on incredulously as a girl did a line right off of a table in full view of everyone. We were outside. It was a wooden picnic table. She used a bar straw. *Stunned Silence*

Scarface Moment of the Week 2: Walking the streets of South Beach on Saturday afternoon, we passed a bar that was blasting I Ran (So Far Away) by A Flock of Seagulls.

Celebrity Sighting of the Week: On Saturday afternoon, The Oceanliner rode in the same elevator as ESPN college football sideline girl Stacy Dales at our hotel. I wasn’t sure at the time if it was she, so I remained silent. When I saw her at the game on the sideline wearing the same clothes, it was confirmed. Main point here: The Oceanliner is a coward.

Double Standard of the Week: At the O.B., police were scanning people with a hand held metal detector at the student entrance to the stadium. At a different general admission gate, The Oceanliner walked in the O.B. untouched with a full metal flask in his pocket.

Paris Hilton Moment of the Week: On the way to lunch on Saturday, we crossed a street called Dildo Drive.

Hardass of the Week: Miami Airport, Sunday morning, 8:30 AM. I am standing in line to get a Gatorade at an Au Bon Pain in the concourse. Guy in front of me? Rocks a Heineken and a Boston Creme Pie Donut. H.A.R.D.A.S.S.

Engrish Moment of the Week: This one came completely out of nowhere, which made it all the more hilarious. On Sunday, The Oceanliner and Beercan were watching the FOX football postgame show and host Curt Menefee was finishing up a segment with “NFL Insider” Jay Glazer. Glazer had just ended a piece by saying how the 49ers would no doubt be playing with a lot of emotion on Monday night after the death of current head coach Mike Nolan’s father, who had also coached 9ers. Trying to agree with Glazer, Menefee wholeheartedly said “Oh, absodutely” instead of “Oh, absolutely”. Beercan and I gave each other confused looks, and wondered what Menefee had actually said. But then we rewound the segment and listened to it about 4 or 5 times in rolling laughter as Menefee said “Oh, absodutely” over and over. Priceless. I am so easily entertained. And TIVO is amazing.

Well, that’s it for this week. After being to New York and Miami within the past 10 days, The Oceanliner will absolutely be docked at home this entire weekend, no doubt thinking up more terrible puns like the one just mentioned. Not that it wasn’t worth it though; I’ve had an unbelievable time over the past two weeks. Looks like Austin and I made it to the Big Apple just in time too. The show we saw (Wicked) has just been shut down by striking stagehands, less than a week after we saw it. As is quickly becoming the slogan of The Oceanliner, you can’t make this shit up. I hope everyone is doing well out there, keep it real. Until next time, keep your pants buckled. Yaayoooo!

Inside The Numbers

I’m not going to lie, I am a stat geek. I love perusing through box scores to see all of the varied stat lines. This is true of almost all sports, even ones that I don’t like watching. I can’t stand watching the NBA, but I love going through the box scores every morning to see all of the varied combinations that are possible with basketball. This might be why I’m loving my Fantasy Basketball League, even though I probably won’t watch a full game until the playoffs, and maybe not even then.

This weekend in college football provided some astounding statistics, and I will share them, and my reaction to them, here.

Miami QB Kirby Freeman
1-14, 84 yds, 1 TD, 3 INT

This one is truly amazing. Not just the fact that Freeman’s only completion was an 84-yard touchdown pass. And not just the fact that he completed more passes to the other team than to his own. It’s simply unbelievable that when your quarterback completes three times as many passes to the opposing defense than to your own receivers that the game still went into overtime. Miami lost 19-16 to NC State in overtime, and to still have a chance to win when your quarterback has a completion percentage of 7 freaking percent is truly mind-boggling. But hey, when you rush sixty times for 314 yards (using 5 backs who each got more than 5 carries), it’ll probably keep you in any contest.

South Florida commits 8 turnovers in a loss against Cincinnati

Again, you have to look deeper to see how this statistic becomes incredulous. It’s not the fact that the Bulls gave the ball away 8 times, I’m sure that this has happened before. It’s the fact that USF committed 8 turnovers and still scored 33 points and only lost by 5! It takes some serious wackiness for this to occur, and indeed it was provided. Like for instance, scoring 14 points before your offense even takes the field, which is exactly what South Florida did. On Cincinnati’s first possession, the Bulls returned a pick 63 yards to the house. The Bearcats responded with a touchdown drive of their own, only to see the ensuing kickoffs get run back, you guessed it, to the house. After 5 minutes, it was 14-7 USF, and their offense hadn’t even touched the field yet. Their sequence of possessions for the rest of the game is baffling.

Punt, Interception, Fumble, Fumble, Interception, Field Goal, Interception, Punt, Field Goal, Fumble, Touchdown, Punt, Punt, Interception, Touchdown.

Imagine the South Florida coach saying something like this after the game:

“You know, if we had only turned the ball over 5 or 6 times in this game, we would have had this one easy”

And it would have been true. Imagine how pissed off South Florida’s defense is too. They even scored a touchdown, but watched their offense turn the ball over eight times, including a pick 6 and a blocked punt for a touchdown.

I honestly spent half an hour looking at this box score, and still am not sure I completely understand it.

Arkansas rushes for 542 yards against South Carolina

Absorutery Unberievable. This cannot happen in the SEC, but it did. Again, looking at the details makes it all the more grizzly/astonishing/mind blowing. We have all seen how Darren McFadden (the next Adrian Peterson by the way, he’s going to light up the NFL so bad) had 321 yards on the ground, tying an SEC record. How about backup Felix Jones netting 166 on just 13 carries. Dude had touchdown runs of 7, 40 and 72 yards. No, what’s most ridiculous is that the team averaged 9.3 yards per carry…on 58 carries!!!!!! South Carolina gained 125 yards on the ground, yet had a quarter of the Hogs total. Arkansas’ longest pass went for 35 yards. They had 4 rushes that went 35 yards or more.

McFadden and Jones are 1-2 in the SEC in rushing and both are over 1,000 yards. Jones is averaging 9.3 yards per carry…on 111 carries!!!! Insane. McFadden has 250 more rushing yards than the Arkansas quarterback, Casey Dick, has passing. And Jones is only 30 yards rushing behind what Dick has passing. At the end of the year, Arkansas might have two running backs with more yards running that their quarterback has thrown. N.u.t.s.

Random Note of Hilarity 1:

The Oceanliner and Austin rocked the Big Apple this weekend, and it was the titties. On Friday night, we were taking a cab home, and the driver realizes he has missed a turn. Does he go around the block? Hell no. Instead, he throws it in reverse and hightails it backwards on a one-way street for two blocks while I’m busy shitting my pants.

Random Note of Hilarity 2:

The Oceanliner walked out of his room this morning to find Beercan Potts watching Saved By The Bell before he left for work. And of course it was on TBS.

Well folks, that’s it for this week. Austin, Schling, Kyle and I will be heading to Miami on Friday, to hopefully represent the Wahoos well in the last game in the OB. I hope something ridiculous happens, and I hope I don’t get hurt. Until next time, keep it real and stay tuned. Twenty-Inch Blades.

Red Sox Douche Nation

I don’t know what is more annoying to me right now, Red Sox fans or Red Sox players. All of them have honestly become just absolutely unbearable. They were fine up until 2004 when they won the World Series. I mean, it was pretty hard to really hate on a whole state when they had been down for 86 years. That kind of hatred could only be inflicted by Yankees fans, whose chants of “1918” were so poignant and malicious that it brought about chills. It was as if a knife wound was being prodded with every round.

The Sox were a feel good story after their World Series victory, but it only took about 10 minutes for their fans to start being the most annoying in sports. I can only hear so many “We are sooo wicked awesome!” chants and belly cries. They have started to act like the Yankees, but without their awesome pedigree. Yankee fans are arrogant, confident and know a lot about baseball. This comes with 26 World Series. I respect Yankees fans. They wear their gear but don’t shove it down your throat.

Red Sox fans on the other hand, haven’t been able to stop talking about the Sawx and how awesome they are for almost 3 years now. What’s even more annoying than Red Sox fans are fake Red Sox fans that have no affiliation with the team but root for them anyway. I witnessed this first hand on Saturday night when I was at a sports bar watching the UVA-Maryland football game, unfortunately at the same time as Game 7 of the ALCS. The place was packed with feuax Sox fans, all clad in their gear and pretending they were from Boston, while most likely from Allentown or Scranton or some other terrible city.

So I looked around and thought to myself, “Man, all of these Red Sox fans are either busted, pizza faced, chubs mcgee girls or huge douche bag dudes with too much gel and cologne.” And all of them would walk around screaming, “God the Sawx are so awesome!” and “Hey, everyone, you need to realize how awesome the Red Sox are!” and “Look at me! I’m a true Red Sox fan! We can act like Yankees fans even though since 1918 they’ve won 24 more World Series than us!”

In fact, all of the Sox fans in the bar looked like these miserable people.


It’s not even the Sox fans that have become terrible; it’s their players as well. And there is no player more fitting of the annoying Red Sox bandwagon than leadoff hitter Dustin Pedroia. Watching him play baseball makes me hope I never have to be in the same room as him, as I cannot imagine anything more annoying. Let’s examine the diminutive Mr. Pedroia.


A hemp necklace? Seriously? As a major league baseball player? Cmon, Dustin. C’mon buddy. This isn’t early high school anymore. You’re not going surfing after the game and nobody buys that you’re a hippy. It’s time to move on. But then we see ace Josh Bekcett and…


You’ve got to be shitting me. Three hemp necklaces around his neck, and it looks like they are rocking him in the face. Sweet soul path too, loser. Are Beckett and Pedroia going to go get high in their basement after the game? Start a grunge band? Denounce corporate America? It amazes me that two grown men would go out in public still rockin a douche tastic hemp necklace, much less on national TV. At least they don’t have a guy on their team who…


Sports terrible facial hair…Damnit Big Papi. What a horrible beard. Scratch that, it doesn’t even deserve to be called a beard. The horrendous alignment of Ortiz’s facial hair is a disgrace to everyone who has ever tried to grow a beard but couldn’t (Tyler). Memo to Big Papi: Baron Davis’s beard would annex yours in second if it wanted too.


Davis’ beard definitely belongs in the Sports Beard Hall of Fame, along with every hockey player who ever made the playoffs. Which is where uber-douche Kevin Youklis comes in. Youk apparently thought he was a hockey player when he let this road kill grow on his face. Nobody wants to see a hedgehog attacking an already ugly ass mug. And with a nomination for Biggest Tool Picture of the Year Award, its Youklis and Pedroia together!


Wow, so awkward, so full of used douches. Finally there is Manny Ramirez, who looks like he’ll be joining Pedroia and Beckett in the basement to get high.


Hell, they can probably smoke an ounce of Manny’s hair and get stoned as bejeezus. But I can’t hate on Manny too much. All the dude does is straight up mash the ball, all day every day.

Why am I writing all about the Red Sox you may ask? Well the whole point of this post was to get to the fact that the name of the home plate umpire for Game 7 of the ALCS was Randy Marsh. The same Randy Marsh who delights on South Park every week. That’s all I really wanted to say, I thought it was funny. Here are the two Randy Marshes, both doing what they do best.



Well, that concludes the Oceanliner for this week. The Oceanliner and Austin will be rockin New York City this weekend, so hopefully hilarity will ensue and it will be made public. And as always, keep it real and stay tuned. Yellow, white, red brown…

Wrath of the Football Gods

Twice in the past year I have angered the Football Gods with my disloyalty, and both times they have made me pay the price heavily. The most recent occurred last night, with the huge VA Tech-BC Thursday night game on ESPN. The Oceanliner had watched the entire wretched game, up until 5 minutes left when Matt Ryan threw what I thought to be the game ending interception. I was tired and annoyed that such promising game had been so boring, so I shut off the TV and went to bed. Ohhhh no said the Fotball Gods, why abandon a game with 5 minutes left when you've sat through the whole thing? Especially one that's only a 10-point game involving two of the top 8 teams in the country. So of course when I turn on Sportscenter the next morning, I see the highlights of Matt Ryan throwing 2 touchdowns in the last 3 minutes, sandwiched around a crazy onside kick. My jaw hit the ground. I looked up to the heavens and could only blame myself. The Football Gods were just doing their job. I can't be too mad either, as this Tech loss really helps UVA into having a backdoor shot at the ACC Championship in Jacksonville.

The other time I angered the Football Gods with my writing a game off was much more egregious. It was the Fiesta Bowl this January involving Boise State and Oklahoma. When the Broncos ran in a pick-6 with 8:05 left in the third quarter to take a 28-10 lead, The Oceanliner mentally declared, “This game is over, I’m outta here”. Well, we all know what happened next. I only, you know, missed the greatest college football game of all time because I was a pansy and didn’t finish watching a BCS game. Oh well. I have renewed vengeance now to stick with game, lest the Football Gods will strike me down again.

Sorry for the delay in the Oceanliner this week. I have a post coming soon about how much of douche bags Red Sox Nation is, but I am working out technical difficulties on getting the appropriate picture involved. Until then, stay tuned.

Vending Machine Update

Not that it wasn't officially ridiculous before, but a third Ribrary Courts vending machine fiasco has cemented an certifiably insane device. On Tuesday, esteemed Oceanliner girlfriend Austin was having dinner over at the Courts, and decided she needed an ice cold Diet Coke to wash down the delicious frozen chicken zapped on the Foreman, 90 second rice and canned green beans that I had so meticulously prepared for her. She went down to the vending machine on the parking garage level and came back into the apartment laughing her ass off, so I knew some soda hilarity had ensued. So of course she walked in with 4 Diet Cokes and all her money back. She said she had paid for the Diet Coke and one came out and was about to get back on the elevator, when she heard the machine start a rumblin again and three more shot out. Then out of gratitude, all her money shot out as well. Except only $1.20 came out. The machine had kept 5 cents. For those of you scoring at home, that’s 12 sodas that residents and friends of Ribrary Courts have enjoyed for nickel. Schling got 2 Sprites for free, Beercan got his 4 Diet Cokes and Austin got 4 more for 5 cents. 12 sodas for 5 pennies. That’s .4 cents per soda. You can’t beat a deal like that. 240 ounces of goodness for one TJ. Anyways, that’s how life goes on at the Courts, and we love it. Until next time, keep on layin the lumber. Peace.

The Real Carolina

One of the cool things about college sports is that they can drag politics into the picture in often hilarious and harmless ways. One of the more common and amusing examples of this is when two governors make a friendly wager on the outcome of a sporting event involving schools in their respective states. In 2003, the governors of Texas and Oklahoma made a bet on the outcome of the Red River Shootout. The stakes? 150 pounds of Oklahoma cornmeal vs. 325 pounds of Texas beef. With the Sooners 65-13 thrashing of the Longhorns, the Oklahoma governor laughed all the way to skillet.

Numerous other harmless bets between governors have been made over the years, but this weekend provides an opportunity for a wager that really matters. South Carolina heads into Chapel Hill this weekend to take on the Tar Heels in what should be a very exciting football game. The governors of two states have the wager of a lifetime sitting right in front of them. They should bet on which school gets to be called Carolina. First of all, the schools would have to sign a contract stipulating that they would meet every year, no matter what. This should happen anyway, as it would foster a great rivalry. What better time to do it with high profile coaches like Steve Spurrier and Butch Davis roaming the sidelines.

Now I realize that most people recognize UNC as the “real” Carolina. But I’m tired of the whole “we were a school first” excuse. That is getting very old and very lame, especially when Chapel Hill was founded only 12 years before USC (1789 vs. 1801). By my call, each school and their fan base have an equal right to use the Carolina moniker.

So back to my idea. Have the governors bet on who gets to use the Carolina name. The winner of the football game gets to use the Carolina name until the teams meet again the following fall. The loser has to add North or South to their title. And to make it even more meaningful, this would apply to all sports and literature about the schools. The loser would not be allowed to emblazen the sole word “Carolina” on any athletic uniform. On all broadcasts, the loser would have their compass direction printed while the winner would not.

Of course each fan base would continue to call their respective school “Carolina”, but the pride associated with a football win and knowing the media would bless the title “Carolina” on your school would be priceless. What better way to kick start a rivalry that should happen every year anyway. I challenge you, Governors Easley and Sanford.

The real point of all this is that it’s just better to be from a state like Virginia that has sole possession of its name and lets the inbreds from Morgantown have fun with their “West”.

On a related note, is there a fight over the Dakota name between the respective North and South states? Are there riots in Bismarck and Pierre over the proper moniker of Dakota? If there is no one around to hear the argument between the 2 total North and South Dakota fans, do the schools even exist?

Two other random thoughts while yall ponder the bet of the century:

I was in Starbucks this morning and ordered a “medium coffee”, as I refuse to give in to the ridiculous naming of their cup sizes. The girl working behind the counter looked at me like a deer in headlights before snapping out of it, turning around and yelling “Can I get a grande coffee?”. Anyway, I started listening to the people behind me and realized that their orders sounded absorutery redicurous. It was honestly like I was listening to a quarterback scream out a play call.

Ok boys, we got a venti, low fat, mocha frap with no whip and room for cream on three, on three…hut!

I felt like an outcast going in to Starbucks and ordering a medium coffee while everyone behind me had to look at a plastic sheet on their forearm to get their order right.

Secondly, I heard a commercial on the radio that almost made me slam on the brakes in laughter. It was an ad for a financial company decrying the need to refinance your mortgage now before the market collapses. It all sounded fine until the spokesman ended the commercial with the line

It’s the biggest no brainer in the history of Earth.

Wow. That’s a bold statement. You better be willing to back that shit up. I don’t see how you can go with that as your tag line. Seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Well that concludes this week’s edition of the Oceanliner. Many of us from the DC area will be making the trip down to Cville this weekend for Homecomings. If you are on the fence, don’t be a punk ass bitch. Make the trip down. Austin and I will be having a tailgate at Alumni Hall before and after the game with food and alcohol, so be sure and stop by. All are welcome. Until next time, stay tuned, keep it real, and play the game.

And My Chevy Sits on 24's

It’s time again for my weekly random thoughts about nothing in particular. I start with a hilarious Ribrary Courts update though. Current Oceanliner roommate Will “Beercan” Potts is off in Chicago for two weeks partying his ass off while under the guise of “training” for Accenture. Right before Beercan left this past Sunday though he offered this priceless gem of an anecdote.

Beercan was thirsty (probably from an exhausting session of live guitar wailing and piano mastery) and went down to the parking garage to get a soda from the vending machine. He wanted a delicious Fanta orange soda to quench his musically induced thirst and pressed the button to make sure it wasn’t sold out. $1.25 it told him. Sweet Fanta was just a touch away. But when Beercan put his money in and pressed the Fanta button, it told him the machine was sold out. Every other option of soda was also sold out until the only choice left was Diet Coke, a bitter consolation prize at best. When Beercan pressed the Diet Coke button, not one, not two, not three but four Diet Cokes shot out of the vending machine. Not only that, it spit out all his money in change in four quarters, two dimes and a nickel. Needless to say, Beercan was stunned. There was a girl in the room with him and they both burst out laughing at such an incredulous occurrence. The girl then said “That’s such bullshit. I tried to get a Diet Coke one time and the machine ate my money”. So Beercan, being the gentleman that he is, gave her one of his four sodas and returned to the apartment with 3 Diet Cokes, his original $1.25 and one unbelievably hilarious story. As we are getting used to saying here at the Oceanliner, only at Ribrary Courts. Moving on…

You should know by now that I love strange/witty/amusing/dimwitted quotes. Lets get into two I heard this past week.

“I just want them to ride or die with me. If I'm the franchise quarterback, play me and let me stumble, because I'll fight through it, and that will help me and our team in the long run. I know coaches want to win now, and I guess they have their reasons.”
- Matt Leinart

This honestly sounds straight out of Sports Pickle’s Fake Quote of the Week, and not something that Leinart would actually say. First of all, “ride or die with me”? Is he serious? Is he trying to sound hard? The Ruff Ryders have got to go kick Leinart’s ass for embarrassing one of their lyrics so badly. Secondly, how can you keep a guy as the leader of your football team who’s already written off the season??? This might be one of the more selfish quotes I’ve ever seen. Leinart wants to sacrifice this season to speed up his learning curve? What a total douche bag. “I know the coaches want to win now, and I guess they have their reasons”. Are you kidding me? Ken Whisenhunt should bench Leinart immediately until he stops sulking like a little bitch. Better yet, make him go back to California and actually take care of the son of his that he never sees. What a loser.

Now, completely switching gears of course, is a comment made by a TBS announcer during the Padres-Rockies one game playoff (Which still hasn’t ended, so I’m not sure why the Rockies moved on. They must have magic on their side. Like Oceanliner roommate Joe Schlingbaum says of the Cubs: “It’s gonna be tough to beat a team that can score without even touching home plate”. OK, that’s enough. Let’s end this ridiculously long parentheses and get back to the comment by the TBS announcer on a certain pitch).

“He threw a great lollipop curveball right there.”

I have absolutely no idea what that means. If there are any baseball purists out there that can help me out, feel free to let me know. Did the batter suck on the swing like he would suck on a lollipop? I’m confused.

One loyal Oceanliner reader sent yours truly this text message last night.

How the hell is lou holtz announcing a game on espn. I feel like this train wreck warrants a mention in the ocean liner

Indeed it does, indeed it does. Until then I had no idea that Lou Holtz actually called live games for ESPN. Lou Holtz is the worst college football analyst I’ve ever heard speak. His analysis is 100% emotionally and personally biased and 0% independent and objective. Imagining him trying to observe a live football game and dispense analysis at the same time is like asking a dog to cut down a tree. It’s just impossible. My friend followed up his text with a hilarious email, which may earn him a guest column spot on the Oceanliner (ie less work for me).
holtz is either slowly going retarded or is always eating peanut butter

An absolute pinpoint call by the mystery caller. Holtz is a senile, bumbling homer who can’t talk. You’d think that would be the first qualification for a TV announcer: the ability to speak. Well Holt obviously cannot talk, so I don’t know he met that first qualification. They certainly don’t have him on there to reel in the ladies ala Erin Andrews for the men. The message finished with:

i actually spent some time thinking about it and even dreamt that i was watching a monday night football game annoucned by kornheiser, holtz, and madden

I think the booth would literally blow up before this could happen.

Madden: I’ll tell you what guys, the team that has the most points at the end of this game is gonna win. Man, I can’t wait to hit up that post game buffet…You’ve got your chicken wings over here, and your pigs in a blanket over here and your French fries running a post at the end of the table and Boom! Load it all up with ranch and game over.
Holtz: The Gamecocks are going to win!
Kornheiser: Coach, this is the NFL.
Holtz: Then the Fighting Irish are going to win!
Madden: And you can’t forget butter.
Kornheiser: Where the fuck is Wilbon…

That’s all I got for this week, keep it real everybody,

2 Minute Drill

These are my quick hit thoughts of the week.

I’ve been back to both UVA home football games so far this fall, and it has reaffirmed my belief that nothing is better than Game Day. A beautiful fall Saturday afternoon chock full of tailgating, live college football, friends, sundresses, college football on television and alcohol simply cannot be beat. It’s at the end of one of these perfect days that you realize, “There is nothing I would have rather done today”. And this is true if you are 12, 20, 45 or 80 years old. Even at a school like Virginia where we will never contend for a national title, the pure happiness and optimism that emerges on Game Days has no rival. The six days of the year that host home football games cannot be ruined by anything. Everyone is on cloud 9, with a drink in hand and friends by their side.

I don’t know what’s more unbelievable, the fact that UVA starts a white, walk on freshman wide receiver or that he scored a touchdown against Georgia Tech. This is astonishing. A BCS conference school should never start a walk on freshman wide receiver. The fact that Staton Jobe is white makes it even more ridiculous. Maybe Al Groh is trying to send the opposing cornerbacks into convulsive laughter right before the snap by continuing to send out Jobe with the starting 11. Buy hey, maybe the dude can play. He did haul in the game winning touchdown against the Jackets while breaking the tackle of a black and probably scholarship receiving Georgia Tech defensive back. It would be interesting to know if a BCS conference school has ever started a white, freshman, walk on, wide receiver for the first game of the season. That’s right folks, Jobe has been the starter since the opening game at Wyoming. Truly remarkable. I bet Dave Chappelle could do a hilarious sketch about this.

UVA has shown some very unexpected yet promising qualities here in the first quarter of the season. In-game resilience is the term that keeps coming to mind, something I had never seen out of the Cavs in a long time. I am treating the Wyoming game as a fluke, as it looks more and more like that game was an anomaly than a sign of what’s to come. In the Duke game, the Blue Devils pulled within 17-13 after multiple horrendous UVA turnovers deep in their own territory. The Wahoos responded with a 6-minute, 15 play, 82 yard touchdown drive that sealed the game. The offense showed remarkable composure and maturity (two words never associated with UVA football) after playing down to the level of their inferior opponent for most of the game. Against Carolina, the defense was able to stop the bleeding at exactly the right time. They must have been incredibly frustrated with the offense’s inability to hit paydirt (1 TD, 5 FG’s), but held firm on the two point conversion to save the game. And in the most recent game against the Ramblin’ Wreck, UVA actually responded to the adversity of giving up a big lead in ways they had choked before (see Maryland, 2006). This comeback was the most impressive and all three area of the game were hugely important. Special teams took advantage of a muffed punt, the offense capitalized on the next play for 7 and the defense again held strong and didn’t allow another point. I still don’t think we are a great team, maybe not even a good team, but these are the kind of characteristics that win close games at the end of the year. Throw in money kicker Chris Gould (7-8 on field goals) and surprising punter Ryan Weigand (averaging a ridiculous 48.6 yards per kick, good for 3rd in the nation) and UVA has the potential to surprise a lot of teams this year.

Lastly, Christian’s pizza on the corner is absolutely going to clean house. I mean, a total and absolute slutting awaits them every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. A genius move getting the primo real estate they deserve. It has been slammed every time I have walked by. Charlottesville now has the holy triumvirate of late night eating all within 100 yards of each other. Sandwiches, Burgers and Pizza from Little John’s, White Spot and Christian’s is too good to be true. Throw in the option of dialing up College Inn anytime before 3am makes Charlottesville a veritable late night king. And so the Oceanliner ends this week with the timeless words of Schnooby:

Late night…late night…I like late night.

Over and out.

Ribrary Courts: Two Thumbs Down

Over the weekend I decided to see if the glorious building we all know and love as Ribrary Courts had a website of its own. Surely such a site would add much hilarity to its already growing legend. Alas, the “management” of Ribrary Courts has not taken advantage of the World Wide Web, as there is no official site for the building (besides The Oceanliner of course). What came up on the Google search however, might be even funnier. Apparently there are sites on the web that you can go on and review an apartment building that you have lived in. You can grade the building on things such as parking, office staff, maintenance and safety. Two sites of this nature (apartmentratings.com and apartment reviews.com) had pages devoted to Ribrary Courts, and the results were preposterous. Apparently my roommates and I were not the first people to notice how ridiculous the building and management team are. Remember how I’ve been saying that we have only had hilarious stuff happen to us and it was just a matter of time until we got screwed? Well, the people that have written these posts are definitely the ones that have gotten screwed. For starters, let’s take a look at some of the titles of the reviews that have been posted:

Terrible Place

Nice building but AWFUL management

And my personal favorite…

If you want to get abused by management, move here

This is not good. I haven’t even read any of the comments and the sinking feeling in my stomach returns as I realize I have 9 more months of contractually obligated living time in Ribrary Courts. That is of course, if we don’t get evicted for living illegally, which we’re doing by having two people live in bedrooms without windows. Oh wait, let me go to a reviewer with analysis on this front:

While the apartments are advertised as 3 br, they actually only have one legal bedroom. I lived in the "breakfast nook", and another roomamte lived in the den.

By the way, I live in the Breakfast Nook and Beercan lives in the Den. We fought for hours over the proper titles that we could call our rooms, but I emerged victiorious and asserted my claim as King of the Breakfast Nook. But let’s not get lost in all this dilly dally and get back to Ebert and Roeper. Let’s get to the heart of the reviews, the section on management. Again, as I say a lot in this space, you can’t make this shit up. Drumroll please…

I've lived in the building since it was constructed, but the change in management companies is making me leave.

I have lived in the building for more than three years and decided to move out after constant turn over of the office management, poor service, disrespectful attitude, and high regulation within the apartment complex. Bottom line: while Library courts seems like a good deal (for Ballston) save your money and go elsewhere.

Ouch. Two strikes right off the bat. This isn’t looking good. But let’s see how the train wreck unfolds…

The management was mediocre at best. They only maintain office hours from 9-5 Monday through Friday, and even during those hours they often didn't pick up the phone or were not around.

The parking garage doors were broken a lot too, letting anyone come and go from the garage/ building.

We had some problems with hot water as well. We went an entire week taking cold showers, and for about a month after that it would be hot and cold sporadically.

Whiff, whiff whiff! Management is pitching a perfect game! My roommates and I have already had trouble with the hot water, I can’t wait until it craps out in the middle of winter. Pushing onward…

Management has initiated a series of ridiculous rules and policies that are onerous. They have also started nickel and diming every aspect of the building...want to swim in the pool, you now pay a fee (per person); pay with more than one check, pay a fee; want to put furniture on your balcony, pay a fine if it's not within the declared "bronze" scheme. And good luck getting anyone to reply to repeated messages, they don't even bother to address problems with the apartment.

Zing! This reviewer killed 3 birds with one post. Now we get to the people that are really pissed off. I hope Ceejay never has to meet these people’s wrath:

Do not move in here!!! The staff is horrible and extremely rude. They may unexpectedly "adjust" your lease. Even if you pay for parking ($70 a month, not cheap) they will accidentally tow your car and not reimburse you. Awful place to live.

And the number 1 most scathing review goes to…Well I don’t know their name, but here it is. Priceless.

The lobby is nice and the apartments themselves are nice. Don't let this fool you though. Every aspect of this apartment is ruled over by totalitarian like policies by the management. Additionally, if something is wrong maintenance wise, forget about them fixing it. In summary, under no circumstances move in to this apartment. As impressive as the lobby and apartment may seem, I swear to you that you will deeply regret it.

Wow, there you have it folks. Exit polls on Ribrary Courts are at an all time low. While I read these comments to my roommates, we all had a good chuckle but with a twinge of nervousness. It’s like we are climbing one of those pyramid schemes but haven’t plummeted down yet. Hopefully it will never come and we will triumph over Ribrary Courts. Who knows. Anyway, hope to see everyone back in Charlottesville this weekend for our Ga Tech ass whooping. For now though, you’ll have to excuse me, I need to retire to my Breakfast Nook.

Ribrary Courts: Under Construction

Our luxury apartment in Ribrary Courts has a balcony that overlooks the street behind our building. We have a nice view of a row of houses and Quincy Park is just visible to the right. Current Oceanliner roommate Will “Beercan” Potts was kind enough to bring up a set of patio furniture, so it is really quite homely up on the third floor. It also acts as our Phonebooth, as it is almost impossible to get cell phone reception inside our digs, but that’s another story.

Anyway, there is some sort of maintenance unit located directly below our balcony in the grass behind out building that the “management” of Ribrary Courts has tried to conceal as a rock. They have not done a good job, as it is clearly human made. What really gives it away is that they have started doing construction on this piece of equipment and dug a moat around the rectangular 3-foot high stone box and protected it with 2 orange road cones. No sign. No rope. No tape. Two orange road cones. That’ll definitely keep the hoodlums away. How does this relate to our story you may ask? Let’s get right into it.

Last week our buddy Kye came and spent a couple days in our apartment to look for a place to live in the Arlington area. It did not take him long to make up his mind that he didn’t want to live in our building. Anyway, he stayed with us for a couple of days and then left. During the day he had been using Schling’s keycard to get into the building. Well, he needed to leave the keycard somewhere because Schling was at work. So in the middle of the day I get this email from Schling:

so kye left for cville
apparently he put my card key under a traffic cone in back of the building
its in a card box apparently
he said its under the construction cone that is accessible without having to walk through the mud

Beautiful. You can pull the “leaving your keys/card in someplace witty” when it’s a house. This doesn’t fly for an apartment building. I was going to get home before Schling so I had to go check it out. And sure enough, under the closest road cone to the street, was a deck of playing cards with the Ribrary Courts key card inside.

What a terrible plan. I bet Kye felt so sneaky too. “I’ve got the perfect hiding place! A road cone on a construction site! Nobody ever moves things around, especially road cones, when things are temporary! Oh man this is so cool. Now I know what the Spy Kids feel like!”

Not only that, but when I went upstairs our door was unlocked. Kye had left our apartment free for the taking for a solid 4 hours. Awesome. But hey, you know what, everything worked out fine and we got a funny story out of it. I took a bunch of pictures of the whole thing but my computer crashed like a champ. Hopefully I’ll get them up soon.

Two more Ribrary Courts tidbits before I sign off
1) We didn’t have hot water last Friday or Monday. Sweet.
2) Remember the package counter that I described in a previous brog entry? Yeah, someone’s package had been opened and was still sitting on the ledge. That’s comforting.

Yet another Ribrary Courts adventure that had the possibility of turning out poorly but ended up just being hilarious. I feel like our luck is running out though, we might be at the end of our nine lives. I would love to hear any amusing anecdotes concerning everyone’s living conditions, so feel free to comment or send me an email. Until next time, over and out.

Bingo was his Lame-O

Whats up yall. I'm sure people have been severely dissapointed by the lack of a post in the past week. Conan joked last week about the "Conan monster", a creature that comes out in the night and dissapoints people. It's now synonymous with an Oelschlager as well. I must apologize. I was back down in the glory that is Charlottesville for our "game" against Dook and when I got back my computer decided viruses were cool and shut down. Hopefully I will be back and as sarcastic as ever before the end of the week. There will be a Ribrary Courts update, and other random hilarity. For all of you ex Wahoos out there, put it on your schedule to come back for Georgia Tech on the 22nd. The Oceanliner will again be gracing the Ville with his presence, as will Glubiak, Tyler, Eschenroeder and many more. So stay tuned, keep it real and walk it out.

The Tragedy in Laramie

Sometimes in sports, the final statistics are not telling of how the game really played out. Some competitive games turn into blowouts in the last couple of minutes. There are times where one team dominates another statistically but does not capitalize on scoring opportunities and loses. There are other occasions where the final numbers exactly reflect one team’s dominance of another. Unfortunately, this was the case with Saturday’s college football game between Wyoming and my alma mater, the University of Virginia. Final score, Wyoming 23 Virginia 3. This was the score that stunned my hazy eyes very late Saturday night. The game was not on TV at my girlfriend’s apartment during our Labor Day Weekend cookout and after that we went to the Nats game and out to Georgetown. When I finally started pouring through the box score, it told me everything I needed to know. I felt like I had watched the game, although I’m very glad I didn’t. The numbers spoke to a complete embarrassment at the hands of a Mountain West team that went 6-6 last year. So as painful as it is, let’s go through some stats that perfectly depict the Tragedy in Laramie for what it really was.

First Downs: WYO 27 UVA 5

This is just ridiculous. Completely mind-boggling. I don’t know if I’ve ever noticed a bigger disparity between first downs made between two D1-A teams. A complete jaw dropper.

Total Yards: WYO 471 UVA 110

I’m at a loss for words. This shows the ineptitude on both offense and defense. Completely pathetic. This was a top 30 defense in the country last year too.

3rd Down Efficiency: WYO 10-20 UVA 3-13

It is almost impossible to win a football game when you allow the opponent to convert on over half of their third down tries and you come in at a stellar 23%

Offensive Plays Run: WYO 89 UVA 47

I’m speechless.

Time of Possession: WYO 40:19 UVA 19:41

There’s nothing left to say. The best analysis in the world cannot describe this loss better than these final numbers. Not even Mike Patrick’s.

Here’s a quick tidbit! Wyoming hadn’t allowed less than 130 yards of total offense in a game since 1978! And that was to national power South Dakota.

I am heading down to Charlottesville this weekend for the home opener against Duke. I am 100% confident that we will win, but the sour taste of Wyoming makes it just a little bitter. But it will still be a beautiful fall day of football, and you can’t beat that. In other news, there might be a Ribary Courts update soon, so stay tuned. Until then, over and out.

O'Tasty

There are many foods in this world that go very naturally together. Peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs and cookies and milk, just to name a very unoriginal few. Chinese food and spare ribs is not one of those bread and butter combinations. (HAHAHA, you see what I did there, I threw in another example, but it flowed too, HAHAHA…haha…ha). But that seems to be the case with a local restaurant here in the DC area. One night about month or two ago my girlfriend Austin and I wanted to order in some Chinese food. Austin had gotten a bunch of junk mail that day but a Chinese menu happened to be a part of it, which was convenient. So we started looking through the menu and deciding what to order. First of all, the name of the “Chinese” restaurant was O’Tasty. Flashing warning lights should go off in your head when a Chinese restaurant is called freakin’ O’Tasty. Somehow I doubt there is a dude name Chin Meng O’Tasty who runs the place. Just a hunch. It seems much more suitable for an Irish guy to own a joint called O’Tasty. But whatever, this “Chinese” place called O’Tasty had all the normal staples of a Chinese menu: soups, lo mein, fried rice, sweet and sour dishes, beef, chicken and the like. You know, Chinese shit. But then I started seeing weird things crop up on the menu, like mozzarella sticks. And turkey burgers. If you perused the whole menu you realized what a bizarre combination of foods O’Tasty was trying to bring under one roof. So here is a list, no joke, of some of the more utterly random menu items besides normal Chinese cuisine that you can order from O’Tasty. Note: all spelling is exactly as it’s printed on the menu.
- Mozzarella Stick
- Apple Turnover
- Bar.b.q Spareribs
- Jumbo Cheeseburger Sandwiches
- Onion Rings
- Crab Cake
- Gvros
- Steak and Cheese
- Fish Sandwiches
- Boneless Spareribs
- Fried Chicken (2,3, or 4 pieces)
- Buffalo Wings
- Chicken Tenderloins
- Filet of Fish Cheese
- Turkey Burgers
- French Fries

Needless to say I was stunned. The first Chinese/Fat Ass American Food combo that I had ever seen. Austin and I ended up just ordering regular Chinese food, but always get a laugh when thinking about O’Tasty. 85% of the menu looks normal, but the remaining 15% is priceless. I leave you with the logo of O’Tasty, where a fat Chinese chef is throwing the deuce at everyone in attendance. Which is what I’m going to do now. Two fingers everyone. Have a great Labor Day Weekend. Peace.

See Spot Run

Sometimes people just don’t know when to keep their mouth shut and end up making complete fools out of themselves. This happens a lot when celebrities are asked for their opinion on a controversial issue. Some celebrities know how to give an answer that doesn’t offend anyone and is incredibly politically correct. Though boring, these people know how to protect their image. Then there are the retards that speak their mind and let the world know how much of a lunatic they are. This has especially been the case with the Michael Vick dog-fighting story. It amazes me that so many high profile people have said such stupid things, and on camera no less. So without further ado, let’s get into “Shamefully Unoriginal Material: Part Deux”.

Clinton Portis

Clinton Portis was the first to throw himself under a bridge with this gem on a local TV station:

"You want to hunt down Mike Vick over fighting some dogs? I think people should mind their own business. I know a lot of back roads that have the dog fighting if you want to go see it”

Unbelievable stupidity. Just mind boggling that he would say this on TV. It’s like he’s telling the police that they were being too nosy in investigating a crime. And not just a crime, we’re talking about a felony. Not only that, he claims to know where more felonies are taking place. Portis’ lawyer must have had a heart attack when he saw this interview. Portis basically said the equivalent of:

“You want to hunt down Mike Vick for snorting cocaine? I think people should mind their own business. I know a lot of apartments where people do lines if you want to go see it”

Unbelievable is the word that always comes to mind.

R.L. White

This is the president of the Atlanta NAACP chapter. There’s no need to even dissect this one.

"Michael Vick has received more negative press than if he had killed a human being."

Ask Rae Carruth about than one. Moron. Again, just unbelievable.

Stephon Marbury

Like Portis, Marbury went out in public and acted retarded for no apparent reason. I guess he just wanted to remind the world that he was insane.

“I think, you know, we don't say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals. You know, from what I hear, dog fighting is a sport.”

Stephon, we don’t say anything about people who shoot deer because it’s legal, you unbelievable retard. It’s like if I got caught for smoking pot and said “I think, you know, we don’t say anything about people who smoke cigarettes.” I hope Vick doesn’t take Marbury’s advice and tell the judge that he heard dog fighting was a sport. The judge would be like “Really? Because I heard it was a felony. Who’d you hear that from? My source is the law. Yeah, it’s right here. I’m holding the law right now. I’m gonna go with felony, not sport.”

Roy Jones Jr.

"They are making this so bad, but really two dogs fighting can happen in anyone's backyard or on the street. It happened in my backyard, two of my dogs fought and one died. Fighting animals don’t necessarily get mistreated. They get treated just the way I get treated."

It’s hard to dissect and process so much stupidity when it’s only packed into 4 sentences. Absolutely dumbfounding. They are saying how boxing is losing popularity, but I guess they need to show Roy Jones Jr's practices, because apparently he gets treated the same ways as these dogs, and I sure haven't seen him getting electrocuted and shot in the ring. These people should all get jobs at Library Courts.

It’s hard to believe that people say such stupid things to reporters. Vick pleaded guilty on Monday, and in honor of that, I wrote a little poem. Here goes:

See Mike Vick.
See Mike Vick Run.
See Mike Vick Run to Jail.
Run Mike Run.