Nobody’s harder on Peter King than the Oceanliner, so you know it must be something impressive for me to compliment him. But like I have said many times, even about people I generally don’t like, you have to give credit where credit is due. And with respect to the NFL Draft, King absolutely freakin nailed it in his Mock that came out last Thursday in Sports Illustrated. I didn’t have a chance to look at his Mock Draft until the Tuesday after the weekend, and was shocked at how accurate it was considering a) he’s Peter King and 2) what a crapshoot predicting the draft is. King’s prognostication of the top 15 is especially impressive. Let’s take a look at the results, starting with the Top 5:
King’s Top 5 (actual pick in parentheses)
Matt Stafford (Stafford)
Jason Smith (Smith)
Tyson Jackson (Jackson)
Dirty Sanchez (Curry)
Aaron Curry (Sanchez)
King nailed the top 3, and flip-flopped 4 and 5. The Jackson pick was his best call, especially since he wrote this on Tuesday and I didn’t hear the Jackson-at-3-to-the-Chiefs hype until much later in the week. He also gets some credit for the Stafford pick, because the Lions didn’t sign him until Friday, and again, King wrote this on Tuesday. Moving Sanchez and Jackson into the top 5 was gutsy, but he was right about both (even though he had Seattle taking Sanchez).
King’s 6-10
BJ Raji (Andre Smith)
Jeremy Maclin (Darius Heyward-Bey)
Eugene Monroe (Monroe)
Andre Smith (Raji)
Mchael Crabtree (Crabtree)
King pinned two of these tails right on the donkey, and had Raji and Smith flipped. He was the only person I saw that had Crabtree falling all the way to the 49ers at 10 (which I am ecstatic about, by the way). The best pick here was King accurately predicting that the Raiders would pass on the slower Crabtree and go after a speed demon wide receiver with the 7th pick, noting “longball loving Al Davis usually looks for speed at the wideout position.” He just picked the wrong one, and honestly, no one had Heyward-Bey in the top 20, much less the top 10. Incredibly, King picked 9 of the players drafted in the top 10 (with 5 dead on, 2 one away and two flipped that were 3 away), which again is insane considering how much bullshit NFL teams sling before the draft.
King’s 11-15
Aaron Maybin (Maybin)
Brian Orakpo (Knoshon Moreno)
Robert Ayers (Orakpo)
Malcolm Jenkins (Jenkins)
Brian Cushing (Cushing)
Being this accurate this far down in a Mock Draft is astonishing: 3 dead on picks and 1 one off. At 13 we see King’s “worst” showing of the day so far, but Ayers still went 5 picks later at 18. King not only nailed which of the 3 USC linebackers would go first, but got the exact pick and team right. He also tabbed the order of all 3 Trojan ‘backers correctly, saying it would be Cushing then Mathews then Maualuga, which it was.
Other good first round calls were the Bucs taking Josh Freeman, only being 1 pick off on how far Percy Harvin would drop, and having Everette Brown falling out of the first round altogether (I saw some drafts with Brown in the top 10).
King didn’t get any picks from 16 to 32 exactly right, but did have 10 of those players going somewhere in that range. All in all, King was a stellar 26 of 32 in picking first round talent, and all 6 guys he was wrong about in the first round went in the top half of the second. An amazing performance all around. Peter King, the Oceanliner salutes you, even if just for a week.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go listen to some Sugar Ray on Fresh FM.
April 29, 2009
April 22, 2009
Slick John
Oh herro.
John Calipari is one slick mother. Or we can just call him an opportunist. SI.com ran a great article detailing how the college choices of 6 of the top 50 ranked high school seniors changed when Slicky McSlickerson left Memphis for the bluer pastures of Kentucky. To go over a little rep tape, when a recruit signs a letter of intent to a school, he is bound to go there. Over the last decade, many players have inserted clauses into their LOI’s that state if the coach that recruited them left the school (for whatever reason), they would be granted a release from their letter of intent and be free to sing with any other school with no penalty.
Now I always thought this was for the player’s benefit, so they wouldn’t be stuck going to a program to play for a coach they didn’t know, especially if the previous coach was fired. Turns out Slick John has used this clause for the coach’s advantage. Xavier Henry is one of the most highly recruited players in this year’s class, and had signed to play for Memphis. Once Calipari left though, Henry got his release from Memphis because of the clause in his LOI. Here is Henry himself on what happened:
"I didn't have the idea to put the [clause] in there," Henry said. "Coach Cal did it for me.”
Calipari put the clause into his own recruits’ letters of intent, so if he ever bolted for a better job, he could bring them with him! Now that’s just a good coach who understands the rules. It didn’t work out totally for Slick John, because reports today say Henry is headed to Kansas. But it did work with highly touted center DeMarcus Cousins, who is now headed to UK. A great move by a great coach. I don’t want hear anything about loyalty either. You look out for number 1.
A huge injustice has happened in the world of DC radio. My solid number 2 radio station just changed formats, and the new guys are absolutely killing me. The old format of 94.7 was classic rock. It was never amazing because they overplayed lots of songs (More Than a Feeling, Stairway to Heaven, Carry on My Wayward Son), but it was a solid go-to station, as they would never play anything god awful. The same is not true for the new format, Fresh FM. First of all, what a horrible name for a station. Then they had the gall to run commercials that say something like this:
“We know you were tired of hearing all those old, boring, classic rock songs. So we decided to change it up, and bring you only today’s freshest music.”
OK, thinks the Oceanliner, another terrible pop top 40 station. But directly after the preceding commercial, Fresh FM starts playing (and I’m not kidding) Genie in a Bottle by Christina Aguilera. I was absolutely stunned. First they take a station out of my rotation. Then they make fun of the old format (which they are clearly worse than), declare only to play today’s freshest music (whatever that ever means)…and then play Genie in a Bottle, which is 1) horrible and 2) came out in 1999. Is this bizarre world or what?
It hasn’t gotten any better either. Fresh FM has subsequently played Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby (1996), Ace of Base’s I Saw the Sign AND Don’t Turn Around (1993!), Bittersweet Symphony (1997), Creed’s With Arms Wide Open (Creed may be the worst band ever, me thinks worse than even Nickelback and Maroon 5), Marc Anthony, Nickelback, and Maroon 5. Today’s freshest music my ass. It’s either old, terrible, or both. This is a travesty, a sham, and a mockery. It’s a traveshamockery.
PS – I always thought that Ace of Base was a group of young, black female singers, ala TLC. When looking up what year I Saw the Sign came out, I see that they are really white, Swedish, and coed. I was waaaaay off. I was in Spain at the time. Is that a valid excuse?
If yall are going to be at Foxfield this weekend, give me a holler. Until then, stay safe, keep it real and don’t miss the horses.
John Calipari is one slick mother. Or we can just call him an opportunist. SI.com ran a great article detailing how the college choices of 6 of the top 50 ranked high school seniors changed when Slicky McSlickerson left Memphis for the bluer pastures of Kentucky. To go over a little rep tape, when a recruit signs a letter of intent to a school, he is bound to go there. Over the last decade, many players have inserted clauses into their LOI’s that state if the coach that recruited them left the school (for whatever reason), they would be granted a release from their letter of intent and be free to sing with any other school with no penalty.
Now I always thought this was for the player’s benefit, so they wouldn’t be stuck going to a program to play for a coach they didn’t know, especially if the previous coach was fired. Turns out Slick John has used this clause for the coach’s advantage. Xavier Henry is one of the most highly recruited players in this year’s class, and had signed to play for Memphis. Once Calipari left though, Henry got his release from Memphis because of the clause in his LOI. Here is Henry himself on what happened:
"I didn't have the idea to put the [clause] in there," Henry said. "Coach Cal did it for me.”
Calipari put the clause into his own recruits’ letters of intent, so if he ever bolted for a better job, he could bring them with him! Now that’s just a good coach who understands the rules. It didn’t work out totally for Slick John, because reports today say Henry is headed to Kansas. But it did work with highly touted center DeMarcus Cousins, who is now headed to UK. A great move by a great coach. I don’t want hear anything about loyalty either. You look out for number 1.
A huge injustice has happened in the world of DC radio. My solid number 2 radio station just changed formats, and the new guys are absolutely killing me. The old format of 94.7 was classic rock. It was never amazing because they overplayed lots of songs (More Than a Feeling, Stairway to Heaven, Carry on My Wayward Son), but it was a solid go-to station, as they would never play anything god awful. The same is not true for the new format, Fresh FM. First of all, what a horrible name for a station. Then they had the gall to run commercials that say something like this:
“We know you were tired of hearing all those old, boring, classic rock songs. So we decided to change it up, and bring you only today’s freshest music.”
OK, thinks the Oceanliner, another terrible pop top 40 station. But directly after the preceding commercial, Fresh FM starts playing (and I’m not kidding) Genie in a Bottle by Christina Aguilera. I was absolutely stunned. First they take a station out of my rotation. Then they make fun of the old format (which they are clearly worse than), declare only to play today’s freshest music (whatever that ever means)…and then play Genie in a Bottle, which is 1) horrible and 2) came out in 1999. Is this bizarre world or what?
It hasn’t gotten any better either. Fresh FM has subsequently played Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby (1996), Ace of Base’s I Saw the Sign AND Don’t Turn Around (1993!), Bittersweet Symphony (1997), Creed’s With Arms Wide Open (Creed may be the worst band ever, me thinks worse than even Nickelback and Maroon 5), Marc Anthony, Nickelback, and Maroon 5. Today’s freshest music my ass. It’s either old, terrible, or both. This is a travesty, a sham, and a mockery. It’s a traveshamockery.
PS – I always thought that Ace of Base was a group of young, black female singers, ala TLC. When looking up what year I Saw the Sign came out, I see that they are really white, Swedish, and coed. I was waaaaay off. I was in Spain at the time. Is that a valid excuse?
If yall are going to be at Foxfield this weekend, give me a holler. Until then, stay safe, keep it real and don’t miss the horses.
April 01, 2009
Celebration
It’s a great time of year folks; time to celebrate awkwardly like Tiger Woods and his caddy after another ridiculous win. While it’s clear that Tig has not lost a step with his golf game, it continues to amaze me that he and his caddy continue to be so uncoordinated in their celebrations. Tiger by himself has excellent post-dagger-putt-making reactions, including the “point the ball into the hole while walking towards it”, the “slamming the hat on the green”, the “I’m so good its not even funny smile, laugh and shake of the head” (this is his bunker hole-out specialty) and of course, the “Finish Him” Mortal Combat, upper-cut fist pump that punctuates many of Tiger’s victories.
When it comes to a duo though, Tiger and Stevie Williams are woefully bad. They are always on the wrong page. It normally comes down to a couple of scenarios. First, they just completely miss when trying to give each other a high five. Always awkward. Second, one of them tries to do a high five while the other is leaning in for a hug. Even more awkward. Third, and worst of all, they miss on their attempted high five, and the momentum carries them forward into an awkward hug. This was never more evident than when Tiger holed that ridiculous chip shot on 16 at Augusta, where the ball hung on the lip of the whole for a couple seconds. If you want to see it, follow this link to You Tube. The shot and the celebration are well worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qkBFGpNPC0
This shouldn’t be a hard concept to master, especially someone of Tiger’s stature. Football and basketball players do that thing now where two of them jump up at the same time and bump shoulders in mid air. That’s pretty cool. It would be sweet if Tiger and Williams practiced that number. Woods has already revolutionized the fitness training among professional golfers. Taking it’s celebrations to the next level only seems logical. Then we wouldn’t have to deal with Phil Mickelson’s 2 inch vertical leap after his Masters win or Rich Beem’s pathetic shimmy after winning the 2002 PGA Championship.
It’s time to celebrate because it’s a great time of year: the Final Four, Fish’s bachelor party, Easter, the Masters, the NBA playoffs, warm weather, the NFL Draft, Fish’s wedding, and Foxfield all happen within the next month. I smell happiness.
Here are some things not worth celebrating, however:
NCAA Management
These money grubbing losers are such greedy sellouts its makes me sick. I was watching a press conference after one of the Elite 8 games this weekend and the NCAA douchebag moderating the event made all of the reporters address the players as “student-athletes”. What a complete joke. The NCAA makes billions of dollars from these “student-athletes” by holding the National Championship over a 3 week span, guaranteeing that the Final Fours teams don’t go to class for that whole time. Uconn left on Wednesday for their Saturday night game in Detroit. They must have left on Monday or Tuesday for their first and second weekend games that were on Thursdays. That’s 3 straight weeks of missed class, which the NCAA clearly knows, and they have the gall to make the reporters call the players “student-athletes”. Disgusting.
Jay Cutler
I brought this up in my last post, but I hate Cutler even more now. At first he was just being a baby and throwing a temper tantrum about being mentioned in trade talks; now he’s just a total ass bag. The Broncos have announced that they are going to try and trade Cutler in part because the Broncos owner, and I quote from ESPN.com, “has been unable to get Cutler to call him back during the past 10 days.” It’s one thing to have a disagreement with your head coach, which is what happened between Cutler and new coach Josh McDaniels. But when the owner of your company calls you, a person who invested a first round draft pick in you and is personally paying your 6-year, $48 million contract, you better call him back, or else you are just a spineless dipshit. Which is exactly what Cutler is. I will never root for him ever again, and hope he fails in every opportunity he has in professional football. I indirectly hate Bus Cook now too, the agent who represents Cutler and the former agent of one Brett Favre. If it looks like a rat and stinks like a rat, it’s Jay Cutler.
Tony Bennett
The new UVa basketball coach will hopefully be worth celebrating, but his name is not. It’s like Michael Bolton’s classic line from Office Space, “Why should I change my name? He’s the one who sucks.” Unfortunately, Bennett will be rolled on by every opposing fan base in the ACC, and even the Virginia faithful if he is not successful. You would think a guy named Tony Bennett would start going by Anthony, or Tone. Tone Bennett, now that sounds hardass. I hope he has thick skin.
Like I said, it’s time to celebrate, my friends. It’s springtime and I’ve got my horse shoes setup in my back yard. Life could be worse. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and…damnit! We missed the high five again.
When it comes to a duo though, Tiger and Stevie Williams are woefully bad. They are always on the wrong page. It normally comes down to a couple of scenarios. First, they just completely miss when trying to give each other a high five. Always awkward. Second, one of them tries to do a high five while the other is leaning in for a hug. Even more awkward. Third, and worst of all, they miss on their attempted high five, and the momentum carries them forward into an awkward hug. This was never more evident than when Tiger holed that ridiculous chip shot on 16 at Augusta, where the ball hung on the lip of the whole for a couple seconds. If you want to see it, follow this link to You Tube. The shot and the celebration are well worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qkBFGpNPC0
This shouldn’t be a hard concept to master, especially someone of Tiger’s stature. Football and basketball players do that thing now where two of them jump up at the same time and bump shoulders in mid air. That’s pretty cool. It would be sweet if Tiger and Williams practiced that number. Woods has already revolutionized the fitness training among professional golfers. Taking it’s celebrations to the next level only seems logical. Then we wouldn’t have to deal with Phil Mickelson’s 2 inch vertical leap after his Masters win or Rich Beem’s pathetic shimmy after winning the 2002 PGA Championship.
It’s time to celebrate because it’s a great time of year: the Final Four, Fish’s bachelor party, Easter, the Masters, the NBA playoffs, warm weather, the NFL Draft, Fish’s wedding, and Foxfield all happen within the next month. I smell happiness.
Here are some things not worth celebrating, however:
NCAA Management
These money grubbing losers are such greedy sellouts its makes me sick. I was watching a press conference after one of the Elite 8 games this weekend and the NCAA douchebag moderating the event made all of the reporters address the players as “student-athletes”. What a complete joke. The NCAA makes billions of dollars from these “student-athletes” by holding the National Championship over a 3 week span, guaranteeing that the Final Fours teams don’t go to class for that whole time. Uconn left on Wednesday for their Saturday night game in Detroit. They must have left on Monday or Tuesday for their first and second weekend games that were on Thursdays. That’s 3 straight weeks of missed class, which the NCAA clearly knows, and they have the gall to make the reporters call the players “student-athletes”. Disgusting.
Jay Cutler
I brought this up in my last post, but I hate Cutler even more now. At first he was just being a baby and throwing a temper tantrum about being mentioned in trade talks; now he’s just a total ass bag. The Broncos have announced that they are going to try and trade Cutler in part because the Broncos owner, and I quote from ESPN.com, “has been unable to get Cutler to call him back during the past 10 days.” It’s one thing to have a disagreement with your head coach, which is what happened between Cutler and new coach Josh McDaniels. But when the owner of your company calls you, a person who invested a first round draft pick in you and is personally paying your 6-year, $48 million contract, you better call him back, or else you are just a spineless dipshit. Which is exactly what Cutler is. I will never root for him ever again, and hope he fails in every opportunity he has in professional football. I indirectly hate Bus Cook now too, the agent who represents Cutler and the former agent of one Brett Favre. If it looks like a rat and stinks like a rat, it’s Jay Cutler.
Tony Bennett
The new UVa basketball coach will hopefully be worth celebrating, but his name is not. It’s like Michael Bolton’s classic line from Office Space, “Why should I change my name? He’s the one who sucks.” Unfortunately, Bennett will be rolled on by every opposing fan base in the ACC, and even the Virginia faithful if he is not successful. You would think a guy named Tony Bennett would start going by Anthony, or Tone. Tone Bennett, now that sounds hardass. I hope he has thick skin.
Like I said, it’s time to celebrate, my friends. It’s springtime and I’ve got my horse shoes setup in my back yard. Life could be worse. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and…damnit! We missed the high five again.
March 17, 2009
Bid Sniping
Mississippi State hunkers down and aims its assault rifle down at the target, the SEC Tournament championship trophy, which is wandering naively through Blood Gulch below, with no clue what is about to hit it. Out on the west coast, Southern Cal is doing the same thing, though in its sights instead is the Pac 10 tournament title, wandering like a stray doe through Battle Creek. Later that day, Temple stalks the barren Sidewinder terrain before turning the corner, where it sees the Atlantic 10 automatic bid walking in the other direction. A wide grin spreads across Temple’s face, as it slowly raises its weapon, zooms in for a head shot, and calmly snipes the bid. Meanwhile, on the other side of their respective maps, Davidson, Saint Mary’s and Penn State run around aimlessly and shooting into the air wildly, unable to locate their prize.
The Bulldogs, Trojans and Owls all made it to the Big Dance by winning their conference tournaments and securing an automatic bid. The Oceanliner was constantly annoyed during Conference Tournament week when talking heads kept saying how so-and-so “stole a bid” from another team by winning their conference title. I say bullshit. The teams that won their conference tournaments that would not have made March Madness otherwise (Miss St, USC, Temple and others) did not steal anything; they went out and took their bids rightfully. If you steal something and people find out, you have to give it back. Conference tournament winners do it in broad daylight, and it will be theirs forever. So let’s end this “bid stealing” garbage. Davidson and the like didn’t have anything stolen from them; they had just as much of an opportunity to go out bid hunting in their conference tournaments. They could have gone Halo-style and sniped a bid, but they didn’t. So let me be the first to congratulate the Temple’s of the world who went bid sniping over the past two weeks. They’ve earned it.
One team that emphatically did NOT snipe a bid is Virginia. Not only that, we sniped our coach too, as Dave Leitao “resigned” on Monday. Leitao was obviously forced out of the job, as he got a $2.1 million dollar severance package as part of the deal. No coach that actually quits out of the blue walks away with a buyout. I don’t know why athletic department insist on having their coaches “resign”, when it is obvious that they were forced out. Everyone knows what’s going on.
This concludes a sports year which saw the Cavaliers finish in 11th place in the ACC in both football and basketball. It is safe to say that this is one of the worst years in Virginia’s history with regards to the two revenue sports, if not the absolute worst. The two programs went a combined 7-17 against their ACC counterparts in 2008-2009. At least the basketball team beat 12th place Georgia Tech, even if it was by only 4 points and in overtime. The football team cannot say they same, as they got annihilated by 12th place Duke 31-3. Truly abysmal.
This got me thinking a terrifying question: Did the Wahoos have the worst football-basketball conference finish in the country? Nervously, I scanned the BCS conference standings for both football and basketball, hoping that some pathetic loser could eclipse 2 second to last place finishes. Fortunately for the Cavs, such a loser presented themselves: Indiana. It’s hard to comprehend considering their basketball tradition, but the Hoosiers managed to finish dead last in the Big 10 (11 teams) in both football AND basketball. Incredibly, they managed only 1 conference win in each sport, and went a combined 2-24 in Big 10 play. Capital WOOF. Thankfully, IU narrowly beats out UVa for this year’s inaugural Worst Combined Finish in Revenue Sports “Award”.
There were two other BCS teams that managed to tie the Cavaliers in terms of revenue sports ineptitude. Iowa State finished dead last in the Big 12 in football, but managed to scrape out a 10th place finish in basketball. This ties Virginia’s 11th place average finish in the ACC. There were also Gutie’s beloved Razorbacks, who finished last in the SEC in basketball and tied for last in football. This last place tie in football however was with 3 other teams, so you could say Arkansas tied for 9th in football. Still, it’s not saying much. This earns Arkansas a tie with Virginia and Iowa State for sloppy seconds. But remember, it took Arkansas a miracle 22-yard touchdown catch on 4th down with 22 seconds left by a wide receiver nicknamed “Old Brick Hands” to beat LSU in its final game. Save that play, Arkansas would have joined Indiana as cellar dwellers for both football and basketball. I would have even given the Razor Pigs the gold too, as they would have done it in a 12 team conference to Indiana’s 11. Woooooo Pig Soooey!
I can’t add much March Madness analysis that hasn’t already been said.
But here’s my Final Four if you care: Memphis, Michigan State, Pitt and Oklahoma, with the Sooners beating the Tigers for the title. I believe in the Terminator.
Two lines from Peter King’s column this week that make you want to punch him:
“I think the Patriots are going to have to work on their heart and soul this off-season.”
I thought heart and soul were intangibles that you either had or you didn’t, not something you can work on. Is King telling the Patriots that they have to develop skills that are innate thus impossible to acquire?
Moron.
“I thought I was going to miss Starbucks on this move, because the nearest Starbucks is six to eight blocks away..”
NOOOOOOOO! Not six to *gasp* eight blocks away! Are you crazy???? How would he ever get to it???? That would be at least a 10-minute walk!
Lazy chump.
Jay Cutler is such a baby
Cutler is angry because his new coach won’t tell him that he will never be traded, so what does he do? Demand a trade. Cutler can’t get it through his thick skull that no one in the NFL (or any sport for that matter) is un-tradable. If a team offered the Vikings their every first round pick for the next decade for Adrian Peterson, they would take it in a heartbeat. I used to like Jay Cutler, now he’s just another douche. Oh, this is interesting; Cutler’s agent is Bus Cook…the same guy who represented uber douche Brett Favre. Coincidence? I think not.
The Bulldogs, Trojans and Owls all made it to the Big Dance by winning their conference tournaments and securing an automatic bid. The Oceanliner was constantly annoyed during Conference Tournament week when talking heads kept saying how so-and-so “stole a bid” from another team by winning their conference title. I say bullshit. The teams that won their conference tournaments that would not have made March Madness otherwise (Miss St, USC, Temple and others) did not steal anything; they went out and took their bids rightfully. If you steal something and people find out, you have to give it back. Conference tournament winners do it in broad daylight, and it will be theirs forever. So let’s end this “bid stealing” garbage. Davidson and the like didn’t have anything stolen from them; they had just as much of an opportunity to go out bid hunting in their conference tournaments. They could have gone Halo-style and sniped a bid, but they didn’t. So let me be the first to congratulate the Temple’s of the world who went bid sniping over the past two weeks. They’ve earned it.
One team that emphatically did NOT snipe a bid is Virginia. Not only that, we sniped our coach too, as Dave Leitao “resigned” on Monday. Leitao was obviously forced out of the job, as he got a $2.1 million dollar severance package as part of the deal. No coach that actually quits out of the blue walks away with a buyout. I don’t know why athletic department insist on having their coaches “resign”, when it is obvious that they were forced out. Everyone knows what’s going on.
This concludes a sports year which saw the Cavaliers finish in 11th place in the ACC in both football and basketball. It is safe to say that this is one of the worst years in Virginia’s history with regards to the two revenue sports, if not the absolute worst. The two programs went a combined 7-17 against their ACC counterparts in 2008-2009. At least the basketball team beat 12th place Georgia Tech, even if it was by only 4 points and in overtime. The football team cannot say they same, as they got annihilated by 12th place Duke 31-3. Truly abysmal.
This got me thinking a terrifying question: Did the Wahoos have the worst football-basketball conference finish in the country? Nervously, I scanned the BCS conference standings for both football and basketball, hoping that some pathetic loser could eclipse 2 second to last place finishes. Fortunately for the Cavs, such a loser presented themselves: Indiana. It’s hard to comprehend considering their basketball tradition, but the Hoosiers managed to finish dead last in the Big 10 (11 teams) in both football AND basketball. Incredibly, they managed only 1 conference win in each sport, and went a combined 2-24 in Big 10 play. Capital WOOF. Thankfully, IU narrowly beats out UVa for this year’s inaugural Worst Combined Finish in Revenue Sports “Award”.
There were two other BCS teams that managed to tie the Cavaliers in terms of revenue sports ineptitude. Iowa State finished dead last in the Big 12 in football, but managed to scrape out a 10th place finish in basketball. This ties Virginia’s 11th place average finish in the ACC. There were also Gutie’s beloved Razorbacks, who finished last in the SEC in basketball and tied for last in football. This last place tie in football however was with 3 other teams, so you could say Arkansas tied for 9th in football. Still, it’s not saying much. This earns Arkansas a tie with Virginia and Iowa State for sloppy seconds. But remember, it took Arkansas a miracle 22-yard touchdown catch on 4th down with 22 seconds left by a wide receiver nicknamed “Old Brick Hands” to beat LSU in its final game. Save that play, Arkansas would have joined Indiana as cellar dwellers for both football and basketball. I would have even given the Razor Pigs the gold too, as they would have done it in a 12 team conference to Indiana’s 11. Woooooo Pig Soooey!
I can’t add much March Madness analysis that hasn’t already been said.
But here’s my Final Four if you care: Memphis, Michigan State, Pitt and Oklahoma, with the Sooners beating the Tigers for the title. I believe in the Terminator.
Two lines from Peter King’s column this week that make you want to punch him:
“I think the Patriots are going to have to work on their heart and soul this off-season.”
I thought heart and soul were intangibles that you either had or you didn’t, not something you can work on. Is King telling the Patriots that they have to develop skills that are innate thus impossible to acquire?
Moron.
“I thought I was going to miss Starbucks on this move, because the nearest Starbucks is six to eight blocks away..”
NOOOOOOOO! Not six to *gasp* eight blocks away! Are you crazy???? How would he ever get to it???? That would be at least a 10-minute walk!
Lazy chump.
Jay Cutler is such a baby
Cutler is angry because his new coach won’t tell him that he will never be traded, so what does he do? Demand a trade. Cutler can’t get it through his thick skull that no one in the NFL (or any sport for that matter) is un-tradable. If a team offered the Vikings their every first round pick for the next decade for Adrian Peterson, they would take it in a heartbeat. I used to like Jay Cutler, now he’s just another douche. Oh, this is interesting; Cutler’s agent is Bus Cook…the same guy who represented uber douche Brett Favre. Coincidence? I think not.
Picture 5 Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Coach just put me in timeout. Waaaaaaaahhhhh!
So Austin and I went to the Newseum this weekend. It is, like the name suggest, a museum about news, “where five centuries of news history meets up-to-the-second technology on America’s Main Street.” I know it sounds weird and is hard to describe, but it was actually really cool. One station allowed you to film a fake newscast with a green screen in the background. You could pick a backdrop (Capitol, Washington monument, cherry blossoms, etc.) and a teleprompter would scroll through your lines. I leave you this week with the broadcast I did at the Newseum, where I also added my own little flare to the scripted lines. Enjoy this breaking news. You stay classy San Diego.
March 11, 2009
I'm Back; Hide the Women and Children
Well, well, it’s good to be back. Sorry for that little hiatus there, I was just very lazy. That, and I’ve been playing too much Lord of the Rings Risk with Schling and Kyle. You are probably wondering if I am referring to a Lord of the Rings version of the classic board game Risk. You would be correct. You are now probably wondering if this makes me a huge loser. You would also be correct. A huge loser that loves playing LOTR Risk. Game is freaking sweet. If I can only hold Minas Tirith for one more turn…
Anyhoooo, this past Sunday featured one of my favorite days of the year: the Duke-Carolina basketball game. Besides the awesome result, did anyone noticed the abundance of Reggie Cleveland All-Stars on the court? To borrow from Bill Simmons, Reggie Cleveland All-Stars are athletes whose names make them sound like a person of a different race (e.g., Reggie Cleveland was a white pitcher; Patrick O’Bryant is a black basketball player). Almost all of them were black players with white sounding names. To recap we had a Gerald (Henderson), a Nolan (Smith), a Lance (Thomas), a Larry (Drew), a Wayne (Ellington) a Ty (Lawson), and an Ed (Davis)…all black. Wayne Ellington sounds like some pompous English aristocrat to me, not a sharp shooting badass from Pennsylvania. And thankfully Ty Lawson plays basketball for Carolina and doesn’t host terrible reality shows like Ty from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Just because it’s hilarious, this is the lame Ty’s opening line from his Wikipedia page
Gary Tygert “Ty” Pennington is an American television host, model, philanthropist, and carpenter.
I wonder if he has all that printed on his business card.
“Here you go, little buddy. Have fun with that free teddy bear, but I’ve gotten run over to the job site and install some flooring in my new Sears wardrobe for Extreme Makeover: Douchebag Edition.”
I hope a lot of yall caught the Virginia regular season finale against Maryland on Saturday. The Hoos ended the season on a high note, and even though we finished 11th in the conference with only 4 wins, we protected our home court against both the Terps and the Hokies. What made the victory on Saturday even sweeter was that Mamadi Diane ended his career in fairytale fashion. This is a guy who had increased his scoring average from 6 to 10 to 12 from his freshman through his junior season. Coming into 2008-2009, Diane figured to help carry the load for an extremely young team. Instead, he absolutely fell off the face of the Earth. Leitao started cutting his minutes so much that at one point he registered 4 straight Did Not Play – Coach’s Decisions. Heading into the Maryland game, Diane had averaged only 4 points and 13 minutes per contest. In the previous game against Clemson he played only 3 minutes.
Yet something crazy happened on Senior Night at the JPJ. Maybe he felt a rush of confidence. Maybe he thought, “F-it, this is my last game, I’m gonna fire away”. Whatever it was, Diane went off on Maryland to the tune of 23 points, including 3 of 4 from long range and the game winning 3-ball with 39 seconds left. A staggering performance in his last game. Here’s Leitao’s reaction:
"I just told the team that when that 3-pointer went up the first thing I said was 'poetic justice' and two, that 'God works in mysterious ways.' There was no better way to finish off one's career and season."
Don’t overlook how improbable this was. Before Saturday, Diane had been 5 of 39 for the season from behind the arc. That’s 12.8%. Amazingly bad. Then he goes out and drops 3 outta 4 from long range…on Senior Night…including the last one to win the game? It was preposterous. Preposterously awesome.
My week wouldn’t be complete without its regular Peter King bashing. Fortunately he makes it very easy. This is how King started a paragraph in his weekly Monday Morning Quarterback garbage.
“The Kings are relocating to Boston. We've sold our home in Montclair, N.J., and moved to the South End. It's still a little stunning, even to us, because we've loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere.”
The last sentence in particular is hilarious. He states “we’ve loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere” with such authority that it might as well be a universal truth. Some things in life are certain; death, taxes and Peter King loving where he used to live more than anyone on the Earth has loved living where they do. Keep in mind that Montclair is in northeast New Jersey. I think someone saying that they have loved living in northeast Jersey more than anyone has ever loved living in the rest of the world proves what a moron they are.
I can always count on Steve Czaban for additional King bashing material. Czaban is a radio host for Fox Sports and hates King as much as I do. He summed it up nicely when talking about whether Terrell Owens should be in the Hall of Fame:
“Wait until Peter King weighs in, and then go the other way.”
My thoughts exactly.
So this is weird. Does anyone remember a sports columnist for the Cav Daily named Joe Lemire? He was a 4th year when we were 1st years, and wrote a decent column. Nothing spectacular but solid most of the time. The most I remember about him was his bright red hair. Well, apparently he had some talent. I went to SI.com the other day and his mug was staring at me in the face.
Not only was in on the Sports Illustrated website, it was a front page story. I have always ridiculed the Cav Daily (except Attention Surplus Disorder of course), so who knew someone could be something from it?
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Back to conquering Middle Earth with plastic action figures.
Anyhoooo, this past Sunday featured one of my favorite days of the year: the Duke-Carolina basketball game. Besides the awesome result, did anyone noticed the abundance of Reggie Cleveland All-Stars on the court? To borrow from Bill Simmons, Reggie Cleveland All-Stars are athletes whose names make them sound like a person of a different race (e.g., Reggie Cleveland was a white pitcher; Patrick O’Bryant is a black basketball player). Almost all of them were black players with white sounding names. To recap we had a Gerald (Henderson), a Nolan (Smith), a Lance (Thomas), a Larry (Drew), a Wayne (Ellington) a Ty (Lawson), and an Ed (Davis)…all black. Wayne Ellington sounds like some pompous English aristocrat to me, not a sharp shooting badass from Pennsylvania. And thankfully Ty Lawson plays basketball for Carolina and doesn’t host terrible reality shows like Ty from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Just because it’s hilarious, this is the lame Ty’s opening line from his Wikipedia page
Gary Tygert “Ty” Pennington is an American television host, model, philanthropist, and carpenter.
I wonder if he has all that printed on his business card.
“Here you go, little buddy. Have fun with that free teddy bear, but I’ve gotten run over to the job site and install some flooring in my new Sears wardrobe for Extreme Makeover: Douchebag Edition.”
I hope a lot of yall caught the Virginia regular season finale against Maryland on Saturday. The Hoos ended the season on a high note, and even though we finished 11th in the conference with only 4 wins, we protected our home court against both the Terps and the Hokies. What made the victory on Saturday even sweeter was that Mamadi Diane ended his career in fairytale fashion. This is a guy who had increased his scoring average from 6 to 10 to 12 from his freshman through his junior season. Coming into 2008-2009, Diane figured to help carry the load for an extremely young team. Instead, he absolutely fell off the face of the Earth. Leitao started cutting his minutes so much that at one point he registered 4 straight Did Not Play – Coach’s Decisions. Heading into the Maryland game, Diane had averaged only 4 points and 13 minutes per contest. In the previous game against Clemson he played only 3 minutes.
Yet something crazy happened on Senior Night at the JPJ. Maybe he felt a rush of confidence. Maybe he thought, “F-it, this is my last game, I’m gonna fire away”. Whatever it was, Diane went off on Maryland to the tune of 23 points, including 3 of 4 from long range and the game winning 3-ball with 39 seconds left. A staggering performance in his last game. Here’s Leitao’s reaction:
"I just told the team that when that 3-pointer went up the first thing I said was 'poetic justice' and two, that 'God works in mysterious ways.' There was no better way to finish off one's career and season."
Don’t overlook how improbable this was. Before Saturday, Diane had been 5 of 39 for the season from behind the arc. That’s 12.8%. Amazingly bad. Then he goes out and drops 3 outta 4 from long range…on Senior Night…including the last one to win the game? It was preposterous. Preposterously awesome.
My week wouldn’t be complete without its regular Peter King bashing. Fortunately he makes it very easy. This is how King started a paragraph in his weekly Monday Morning Quarterback garbage.
“The Kings are relocating to Boston. We've sold our home in Montclair, N.J., and moved to the South End. It's still a little stunning, even to us, because we've loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere.”
The last sentence in particular is hilarious. He states “we’ve loved our lives in Montclair more than anyone could love living anywhere” with such authority that it might as well be a universal truth. Some things in life are certain; death, taxes and Peter King loving where he used to live more than anyone on the Earth has loved living where they do. Keep in mind that Montclair is in northeast New Jersey. I think someone saying that they have loved living in northeast Jersey more than anyone has ever loved living in the rest of the world proves what a moron they are.
I can always count on Steve Czaban for additional King bashing material. Czaban is a radio host for Fox Sports and hates King as much as I do. He summed it up nicely when talking about whether Terrell Owens should be in the Hall of Fame:
“Wait until Peter King weighs in, and then go the other way.”
My thoughts exactly.
So this is weird. Does anyone remember a sports columnist for the Cav Daily named Joe Lemire? He was a 4th year when we were 1st years, and wrote a decent column. Nothing spectacular but solid most of the time. The most I remember about him was his bright red hair. Well, apparently he had some talent. I went to SI.com the other day and his mug was staring at me in the face.
Not only was in on the Sports Illustrated website, it was a front page story. I have always ridiculed the Cav Daily (except Attention Surplus Disorder of course), so who knew someone could be something from it?Well, that’s it for this week folks. Back to conquering Middle Earth with plastic action figures.
February 26, 2009
All-Wahoos: NBA Edition
In light of the All-UVA NFL all star team I created last week, I decided to do the same thing again, only this time for the NBA. So here it is folks, the current NBA All-Wahoos:
Sean Singletary
Roger Mason Jr.
Air Bud
Yates Knowlton
Any of the random Asians that always played at North Grounds
Ouch. Singletary and Mason are the only former Cavs currently in the league. Mason is actually doing very well this year. After starting for the Wizards last year because of Arenas being hurt, Mason earned a 2-year, $7.3 million contract from the Spurs. A lot of people questioned the move, but Mason has responded with his best year as a pro. He is averaging 12 points per game in about 30 minutes per night, but more importantly knocking down 43% of his treys, good for 12th in the NBA. He is not counted on to do much since he has Duncan, Ginobli and Parker at his side. All he needs to do is hit shots, which is exactly what he's doing. More impressively, Mason has four game winning shots on the year. Mason has put the dagger in the Clips, the Suns (a true buzzer beater on Christmas Day), the Lakers and the Celtics. That's an impressive list of take downs.
Singetary is already on his 4th team (Kings, Rockets, Suns, Bobcats) and its only his rookie year. He has averaged less than 10 minutes a game, but at least he's hanging around. Just sticking around on a roster in the NBA for a whole year shows he somewhat belongs. His best day as a pro was a 13 point, 3 rebound, 1 steal game in 20 minutes against the Cavs. Hopefully he will be in a situation where he gets more minutes next year.
After that, its bubkus. And other than possibly Sylven Landesberg 3 years from now, there are no current Cavs who will play in the NBA. So until then, it looks like Mason and Singletary will be the only Hoos holding it down in the league. That is, unless Yates wows some teams with his running, off-balance behind the back floater.
Sean Singletary
Roger Mason Jr.
Air Bud
Yates Knowlton
Any of the random Asians that always played at North Grounds
Ouch. Singletary and Mason are the only former Cavs currently in the league. Mason is actually doing very well this year. After starting for the Wizards last year because of Arenas being hurt, Mason earned a 2-year, $7.3 million contract from the Spurs. A lot of people questioned the move, but Mason has responded with his best year as a pro. He is averaging 12 points per game in about 30 minutes per night, but more importantly knocking down 43% of his treys, good for 12th in the NBA. He is not counted on to do much since he has Duncan, Ginobli and Parker at his side. All he needs to do is hit shots, which is exactly what he's doing. More impressively, Mason has four game winning shots on the year. Mason has put the dagger in the Clips, the Suns (a true buzzer beater on Christmas Day), the Lakers and the Celtics. That's an impressive list of take downs.
Singetary is already on his 4th team (Kings, Rockets, Suns, Bobcats) and its only his rookie year. He has averaged less than 10 minutes a game, but at least he's hanging around. Just sticking around on a roster in the NBA for a whole year shows he somewhat belongs. His best day as a pro was a 13 point, 3 rebound, 1 steal game in 20 minutes against the Cavs. Hopefully he will be in a situation where he gets more minutes next year.
After that, its bubkus. And other than possibly Sylven Landesberg 3 years from now, there are no current Cavs who will play in the NBA. So until then, it looks like Mason and Singletary will be the only Hoos holding it down in the league. That is, unless Yates wows some teams with his running, off-balance behind the back floater.
February 20, 2009
The All-Wahoos
The NFL Combine is upon us, and with that comes the talk of who is improving their stock the most for the Draft on April 25th and 26th. Once again, UVa will be well represented on the first day, with Eugene Monroe and Clint Sintim projected to go in the first two rounds. Even with sometimes mediocre performance on the field, Virginia continues to send high quality personnel to the League. That got me day dreaming about what an all-Wahoo NFL team would look like. The result is fairly impressive. To make the team better, I have included players who will likely be in the NFL next year (Monroe, Sintim, and Kevin Ogletree).
Offensive Line
D’Brickashaw Ferguson
Branden Albert
Brad Butler
Elton Brown
Eugene Monroe
Like the collegiate Cavs, offensive line would be a major strength of the All-Wahoos. The group includes 3 first round picks (Ferguson, Albert and likely Monroe) that maul the opposing team at the line of scrimmage. Brown is an excellent pulling guard who would create nice holes on pitches and screens. Butler is a dirty enforcer (just ask Mathias Kiwanuka) who ads toughness (and a white guy) to the line. Despite none of these guys having been in the NFL before 2005 (and Monroe not having played a game), the group has 106 starts between them. This young but experienced line would be a force together, especially with Heath Miller joining them at tight end.
Offensive Skill Positions
Matt Schaub
Thomas Jones
Jason Snelling
Heath Miller
Kevin Ogletree
Marques Hagans
Schaub has proven that he can be a good NFL quarterback if he can stay on the field. He looks to be injury prone though, which is why it is vital that he would have such a good offensive line protecting him. He has started in only 11 games in each of his two years in Houston, but has averaged 240 passing yards per game with a stellar 66% completion percentage and a 90 quarterback rating.
Thomas Jones would be counted on to be the workhorse of this offense, both with the stellar offensive line and deficiencies at wide receiver. He is up to the challenge however, as he showed this past year while running for 1,312 yards and 13 touchdowns while maintaining a healthy 4.5 yard average.
Jason Snelling would be the perfect bruising fullback in this offense. He is meant to hit people, not carry the load. Snelling struggled his senior year at UVa being the full time running back, but he was perfect his junior year when he paved the way for Wali Lundy. That year (2005), Snelling not only opened holes for his back, but he averaged 5.6 yards per carry as changeup in the running game with only 58 carries. He has done the same thing in Atlanta with Michael Turner, and would do the same with Jones for the All-Wahoos.
Heath Miller would be Schaub’s primary aerial target due to the lack of a good wide receiver. Because of this (and the offensive line being so good), as coach of this team I would send Miller out as a receiver much more often than he does currently in Pittsburgh. The former Mackey Award winner already has two Super Bowl rings.
Wide receiver is the glaring weakness of this team. Hagans, Ogletree and Billy McMullen would compete for time on the field, but none show much promise, except maybe Ogletree. As coach, I would mix things up by running the CatFish, with Hagans taking snaps directly from center as he can throw the ball serviceably as well as dance around in the open field. The Magician, as Doc Walker so eloquently dubbed Hagans, would have to keep opposing defenses off balance. I would also run lots of Jumbo sets, replacing a receiver with another tight end in Tom Santi (10 catches as Dallas Clark’s backup in Indy last year). The running game would be the focal point of this offense.
Defensive Line
Patrick Kearney
Chris Long
Chris Canty
The All-Wahoos would play a 3-4 base defense, both out of need and skill packages. These 3 guys up front would no doubt get pressure on the opposing quarterback, especially with the help of a solid linebacking core. We all know how dominant Long can be, both sacking the quarterback and going sideline to sideline to tackle the ball carrier. Canty has quietly become an integral part of the Cowboys defensive line, playing in all 16 games in each of his 4 years in the NFL, and starting every game for the past two seasons. Even as a d-linemen meant to eat up blocks, Canty has had between 20-30 tackles every year. He would be counted on to do the same on this team. Kerney is a monster up front, with 77.5 career sacks in 10 seasons. The two-time Pro Bowler would be a great mentor for the younger Long and Canty.
Linebackers
James Farrior
Ahmad Brooks
Daryl Blackstock
Clint Sintim
This group of linebackers is solid but not spectacular. Farrior would be to these backers like Kerney would be to the d-line, a mentor and a motivator. This role would be especially important when dealing with the uber-talented but character-challenged Brooks and Blackstock. Sintim is a beast and also an upstanding citizen, who undoubtedly listen to all of Farrior’s advice. As coach, I would let Farrior coach these guys himself. He has been a pupil of the Steelers defensive system for the past 7 years, and I would want him impact every ounce of this knowledge with the team. Also a 2-time Pro Bowler like Kerney, Farrior would be an anchor of the defense.
Secondary
Ronde Barber
Marcus Hamilton
Jamaine Winborne
Billy McMullen
This is where things get dicey. Barber is obviously a stud, being a 5-time Pro Bowler and 3-time first team All Pro (one of the two best corners in the league). The problem is, no opponent would ever throw his way because the rest of the secondary is so weak. Hamilton was a nice college player but is overmatched in the NFL. Winborne is a seldom used corner who would have to move to safety on the All-Wahoo team simply out of need. He also missed all of 2008 with injury. The last safety spot is a real stretch. McMullen is a receiver, but has had trouble catching the ball in the pros…so lets put him at safety! He just needs to get his hands on the ball there, not catch it. This team would need the front seven to put monumental pressure on the opposing quarterback to avoid the weakness of the DB’s. They are certainly capable of doing that, and Barber can pick up a lot of the slack, but this is where the team would be won or lost.
So there you have it; the Oceanliner’s All-Wahoo NFL team. I think it’s pretty solid, but have no idea how it would do against all star teams from other schools…mainly because that would be too much work. If I have not included some glaring omissions, please let me know and we will make the team better. Wahoowa.
Offensive Line
D’Brickashaw Ferguson
Branden Albert
Brad Butler
Elton Brown
Eugene Monroe
Like the collegiate Cavs, offensive line would be a major strength of the All-Wahoos. The group includes 3 first round picks (Ferguson, Albert and likely Monroe) that maul the opposing team at the line of scrimmage. Brown is an excellent pulling guard who would create nice holes on pitches and screens. Butler is a dirty enforcer (just ask Mathias Kiwanuka) who ads toughness (and a white guy) to the line. Despite none of these guys having been in the NFL before 2005 (and Monroe not having played a game), the group has 106 starts between them. This young but experienced line would be a force together, especially with Heath Miller joining them at tight end.
Offensive Skill Positions
Matt Schaub
Thomas Jones
Jason Snelling
Heath Miller
Kevin Ogletree
Marques Hagans
Schaub has proven that he can be a good NFL quarterback if he can stay on the field. He looks to be injury prone though, which is why it is vital that he would have such a good offensive line protecting him. He has started in only 11 games in each of his two years in Houston, but has averaged 240 passing yards per game with a stellar 66% completion percentage and a 90 quarterback rating.
Thomas Jones would be counted on to be the workhorse of this offense, both with the stellar offensive line and deficiencies at wide receiver. He is up to the challenge however, as he showed this past year while running for 1,312 yards and 13 touchdowns while maintaining a healthy 4.5 yard average.
Jason Snelling would be the perfect bruising fullback in this offense. He is meant to hit people, not carry the load. Snelling struggled his senior year at UVa being the full time running back, but he was perfect his junior year when he paved the way for Wali Lundy. That year (2005), Snelling not only opened holes for his back, but he averaged 5.6 yards per carry as changeup in the running game with only 58 carries. He has done the same thing in Atlanta with Michael Turner, and would do the same with Jones for the All-Wahoos.
Heath Miller would be Schaub’s primary aerial target due to the lack of a good wide receiver. Because of this (and the offensive line being so good), as coach of this team I would send Miller out as a receiver much more often than he does currently in Pittsburgh. The former Mackey Award winner already has two Super Bowl rings.
Wide receiver is the glaring weakness of this team. Hagans, Ogletree and Billy McMullen would compete for time on the field, but none show much promise, except maybe Ogletree. As coach, I would mix things up by running the CatFish, with Hagans taking snaps directly from center as he can throw the ball serviceably as well as dance around in the open field. The Magician, as Doc Walker so eloquently dubbed Hagans, would have to keep opposing defenses off balance. I would also run lots of Jumbo sets, replacing a receiver with another tight end in Tom Santi (10 catches as Dallas Clark’s backup in Indy last year). The running game would be the focal point of this offense.
Defensive Line
Patrick Kearney
Chris Long
Chris Canty
The All-Wahoos would play a 3-4 base defense, both out of need and skill packages. These 3 guys up front would no doubt get pressure on the opposing quarterback, especially with the help of a solid linebacking core. We all know how dominant Long can be, both sacking the quarterback and going sideline to sideline to tackle the ball carrier. Canty has quietly become an integral part of the Cowboys defensive line, playing in all 16 games in each of his 4 years in the NFL, and starting every game for the past two seasons. Even as a d-linemen meant to eat up blocks, Canty has had between 20-30 tackles every year. He would be counted on to do the same on this team. Kerney is a monster up front, with 77.5 career sacks in 10 seasons. The two-time Pro Bowler would be a great mentor for the younger Long and Canty.
Linebackers
James Farrior
Ahmad Brooks
Daryl Blackstock
Clint Sintim
This group of linebackers is solid but not spectacular. Farrior would be to these backers like Kerney would be to the d-line, a mentor and a motivator. This role would be especially important when dealing with the uber-talented but character-challenged Brooks and Blackstock. Sintim is a beast and also an upstanding citizen, who undoubtedly listen to all of Farrior’s advice. As coach, I would let Farrior coach these guys himself. He has been a pupil of the Steelers defensive system for the past 7 years, and I would want him impact every ounce of this knowledge with the team. Also a 2-time Pro Bowler like Kerney, Farrior would be an anchor of the defense.
Secondary
Ronde Barber
Marcus Hamilton
Jamaine Winborne
Billy McMullen
This is where things get dicey. Barber is obviously a stud, being a 5-time Pro Bowler and 3-time first team All Pro (one of the two best corners in the league). The problem is, no opponent would ever throw his way because the rest of the secondary is so weak. Hamilton was a nice college player but is overmatched in the NFL. Winborne is a seldom used corner who would have to move to safety on the All-Wahoo team simply out of need. He also missed all of 2008 with injury. The last safety spot is a real stretch. McMullen is a receiver, but has had trouble catching the ball in the pros…so lets put him at safety! He just needs to get his hands on the ball there, not catch it. This team would need the front seven to put monumental pressure on the opposing quarterback to avoid the weakness of the DB’s. They are certainly capable of doing that, and Barber can pick up a lot of the slack, but this is where the team would be won or lost.
So there you have it; the Oceanliner’s All-Wahoo NFL team. I think it’s pretty solid, but have no idea how it would do against all star teams from other schools…mainly because that would be too much work. If I have not included some glaring omissions, please let me know and we will make the team better. Wahoowa.
February 12, 2009
A Wise Man Once Said
I love a good line, a witty remark, a poignant repartee, a touché salesman if you will. I like to give credit where credit it due for an insightful comment or a nice zinger. On the other hand, I find myself pouncing on people who say things that I find irrelevant, stupid or worthless. I find myself pondering this notion because this week there seemed to be more worthwhile comments that came across my eyes than normal, both on the good and the bad ends of the spectrum. So with that in mind (as well as keeping the Watchman theme going), let’s mail in a column and analyze ideas other people had.
“I especially like watching LeBron James. It’s like watching Adrian Peterson play running back, only no one is allowed to tackle him.”
This line is what started the quote-post inspiration. I read this on Deadspin, and thought it was clever, as well as dead on. What makes the image even better is the State Farm ad running right now that shows King James singing with the Cleveland Browns. Bron Bron is a freight train, and the ad showing him lining up at nearly every position on the gridiron is not that far-fetched to me. Hell, he already can play every position on a basketball court, why not football?
“Most teams, like Duke, can wear you down on the defensive end by applying constant pressure. North Carolina is one of the few teams that can wear an opponent down on the offensive side of the ball.”
This was Raycom analyst Mike Gminski, right after Carolina went on their 14-0 run in the second half to blow open the game against Dook on Wednesday night. It was such a relief to realize that Raycom had the TV rights to the Duke-Carolina game in my area, thus avoiding me having to listen to Mike Patrick and Dick Vitale, who called the game for ESPN and the rest of the country. It was so refreshing to get accurate and level headed play-by-play (from Tim Brandt) and astute color analysis (by the aforementioned Gminski) rather than they gushing infatuations of Patrick and the hysterical ramblings of Vitale. What’s amazing is that Gminski is less of a Duke homer than either Jabba or Dicky V, even though the G-man played for the Blue Devils. And not only does he keep fairly neutral, Gminski delivers the kind of insight (the quote above) that actually enhances the telecast. This is, obviously, any color man’s job, but very few seem to do it.
“The Dookies may make an Elite 8 or Final 4 run with their style of play, but they ain’t takin home the prom queen with their trigger happy style of play… At some point the 3’s will stop falling, and that’s when the Devils will lose.”
Loyal Oceanliner readers will remember this passage. I wrote this on February 29th of last year, describing why Duke would not win the Tournament in the first edition of the Eliminator. What’s eerie is that it applies 100% to this year’s team as well. Duke can beat anyone in the country when their 3’s are falling, but they have absolutely no one on the interior they can rely on. Their 5 best players are all wings (Henderson, Singler, Scheyer, Smith and Paulus). Zoubek and Lance Thomas in the middle are pedestrian at best. I think Duke would have been a title contender if Krzyzewski had gone out and gotten a stud freshman big man like Greg Monroe (Georgetown), Al-Farouq Aminu (Wake), Samardo Samuels (Louisvulle) or Ed Davis (Carolina). But as is, they will not win 6 games in a row in the Tourney relying on the 3 ball.
Speaking of Coach K…
“You know this smug fuck from all his American Express commericials, from his nasily interviews, from his passive shots at other coaches and from his retarded Polish name Krzyzewski which of course is pronounce "Che-chefski." I think the Black equivalent of Coach K's name is spelling your son's name JaTrian and pronouncing it John. Its just plain retarded.”
This had me rolling. One of my friends send this rant on Duke from the blog Ned’s Younger Brother, and it had me cracking up. Here is the full article if you enjoy Duke bashing.
“Each little snail here, Know how to wail here. That's why it's hotter, Under the water. Ya we in luck here, Down in the muck here.Under the sea!”
Yes, you read that correctly folks. Those are indeed the lyrics from Under the Sea in The Little Mermaid. I etch down those epic lines to celebrate the return of my iPod. It had not been working until I took it to the Apple store and they fixed it. It was a welcome addition back to my workout routine, and it paid off immediately. I was on the treadmill and had half a mile left, but was struggling. I needed one more song to bring me home, and like an angle in the night Under the Sea was the next song in the shuffle. Sometimes the stars align like that. Everyone who knows me well is aware of my affinity for TV and Movie Theme Songs. Hell, its one of my Facebook interests, so you know its important. Well now they are back with me after a couple month hiatus, and it is beautiful.
“Drafting the wrong quarterback is like marrying the wrong person – miserable and expensive.”
The Sporting News wrote this at the beginning of an article about whether the Lions should take Matt Stafford with the number 1 pick, and it amused me. Whatever the Lions do, they will screw it up. St. Louis must be feeling good at number two. They don’t even have to do any work. Knowing that they are picking a guy the Lions didn’t want is good enough.
“I’ll have a Makers and Coke.”
Austin and I were at the bar of a nice restaurant last Saturday when the guy next to us ordered this from the bar tender. I turned and stared incredulously and wanted to ask this brosepf how he could justify murdering such good bourbon by diluting it with Coke. Rookie.
“I’ll always enjoy his 30-second-post-garbage-bucket celebrations.”
I read this on a UVa message board a while back about Mikalauskus having to leave the program, and a tear of nostalgia ran down my cheek. The two enduring images of Lars that will always stay with me:
1) The goofy Lithuanian jersey popping and screaming “we’re number one!” after beating Arizona on the road. So awkward and unnecessary.
2) Corey Foley telling the story of being at the bar at Coupes, sitting next to Lars after we had beaten Duke on the Singletary miracle one handed floater. I’ll let Corey take it from here (or at least my best memory of what he said):
“So Lars has this busted ass brunette on his lap. He then yells at the bartender and orders a round of shots for everyone around him. For the toast he says, and I kid you not, “To the greatest basketball team in the world!” in his thick ass Eastern European accent. The shot almost came out of my nose when I heard that toast.”
Priceress. I can almost hear the Arnold-esque voice in my head.
“In a matchup between two teams fighting to escape the Big 12 basement, Colorado proved it truly deserves last place.”
A great opening line to a game recap by the AP after Colorado scored 9 (yes, 9) points against Iowa State in the first half of their basketball game on Wednesday. Amazingly, there may be worse BCS basketball teams than Virginia.
After a post filled with quotes, I leave you with one of the funniest images I have seen in a long time. My coworker informed me that Jason Cain is alive and well playing basketball in Europe. Well, it turns out that his fans in Germany are just as passionate as the Assemblage of Cain was at UVa. And I can hardly blame them. No matter how boneheaded some of his plays were, Cain always played his heart out and was fun to watch. He will always hold a soft spot in my UVa basketball heart. The image below is a tapestry that Cain’s German fans brought to one of his games. It speaks for itself. Stache 4 Life. Godspeed.
“I especially like watching LeBron James. It’s like watching Adrian Peterson play running back, only no one is allowed to tackle him.”
This line is what started the quote-post inspiration. I read this on Deadspin, and thought it was clever, as well as dead on. What makes the image even better is the State Farm ad running right now that shows King James singing with the Cleveland Browns. Bron Bron is a freight train, and the ad showing him lining up at nearly every position on the gridiron is not that far-fetched to me. Hell, he already can play every position on a basketball court, why not football?
“Most teams, like Duke, can wear you down on the defensive end by applying constant pressure. North Carolina is one of the few teams that can wear an opponent down on the offensive side of the ball.”
This was Raycom analyst Mike Gminski, right after Carolina went on their 14-0 run in the second half to blow open the game against Dook on Wednesday night. It was such a relief to realize that Raycom had the TV rights to the Duke-Carolina game in my area, thus avoiding me having to listen to Mike Patrick and Dick Vitale, who called the game for ESPN and the rest of the country. It was so refreshing to get accurate and level headed play-by-play (from Tim Brandt) and astute color analysis (by the aforementioned Gminski) rather than they gushing infatuations of Patrick and the hysterical ramblings of Vitale. What’s amazing is that Gminski is less of a Duke homer than either Jabba or Dicky V, even though the G-man played for the Blue Devils. And not only does he keep fairly neutral, Gminski delivers the kind of insight (the quote above) that actually enhances the telecast. This is, obviously, any color man’s job, but very few seem to do it.
“The Dookies may make an Elite 8 or Final 4 run with their style of play, but they ain’t takin home the prom queen with their trigger happy style of play… At some point the 3’s will stop falling, and that’s when the Devils will lose.”
Loyal Oceanliner readers will remember this passage. I wrote this on February 29th of last year, describing why Duke would not win the Tournament in the first edition of the Eliminator. What’s eerie is that it applies 100% to this year’s team as well. Duke can beat anyone in the country when their 3’s are falling, but they have absolutely no one on the interior they can rely on. Their 5 best players are all wings (Henderson, Singler, Scheyer, Smith and Paulus). Zoubek and Lance Thomas in the middle are pedestrian at best. I think Duke would have been a title contender if Krzyzewski had gone out and gotten a stud freshman big man like Greg Monroe (Georgetown), Al-Farouq Aminu (Wake), Samardo Samuels (Louisvulle) or Ed Davis (Carolina). But as is, they will not win 6 games in a row in the Tourney relying on the 3 ball.
Speaking of Coach K…
“You know this smug fuck from all his American Express commericials, from his nasily interviews, from his passive shots at other coaches and from his retarded Polish name Krzyzewski which of course is pronounce "Che-chefski." I think the Black equivalent of Coach K's name is spelling your son's name JaTrian and pronouncing it John. Its just plain retarded.”
This had me rolling. One of my friends send this rant on Duke from the blog Ned’s Younger Brother, and it had me cracking up. Here is the full article if you enjoy Duke bashing.
“Each little snail here, Know how to wail here. That's why it's hotter, Under the water. Ya we in luck here, Down in the muck here.Under the sea!”
Yes, you read that correctly folks. Those are indeed the lyrics from Under the Sea in The Little Mermaid. I etch down those epic lines to celebrate the return of my iPod. It had not been working until I took it to the Apple store and they fixed it. It was a welcome addition back to my workout routine, and it paid off immediately. I was on the treadmill and had half a mile left, but was struggling. I needed one more song to bring me home, and like an angle in the night Under the Sea was the next song in the shuffle. Sometimes the stars align like that. Everyone who knows me well is aware of my affinity for TV and Movie Theme Songs. Hell, its one of my Facebook interests, so you know its important. Well now they are back with me after a couple month hiatus, and it is beautiful.
“Drafting the wrong quarterback is like marrying the wrong person – miserable and expensive.”
The Sporting News wrote this at the beginning of an article about whether the Lions should take Matt Stafford with the number 1 pick, and it amused me. Whatever the Lions do, they will screw it up. St. Louis must be feeling good at number two. They don’t even have to do any work. Knowing that they are picking a guy the Lions didn’t want is good enough.
“I’ll have a Makers and Coke.”
Austin and I were at the bar of a nice restaurant last Saturday when the guy next to us ordered this from the bar tender. I turned and stared incredulously and wanted to ask this brosepf how he could justify murdering such good bourbon by diluting it with Coke. Rookie.
“I’ll always enjoy his 30-second-post-garbage-bucket celebrations.”
I read this on a UVa message board a while back about Mikalauskus having to leave the program, and a tear of nostalgia ran down my cheek. The two enduring images of Lars that will always stay with me:
1) The goofy Lithuanian jersey popping and screaming “we’re number one!” after beating Arizona on the road. So awkward and unnecessary.
2) Corey Foley telling the story of being at the bar at Coupes, sitting next to Lars after we had beaten Duke on the Singletary miracle one handed floater. I’ll let Corey take it from here (or at least my best memory of what he said):
“So Lars has this busted ass brunette on his lap. He then yells at the bartender and orders a round of shots for everyone around him. For the toast he says, and I kid you not, “To the greatest basketball team in the world!” in his thick ass Eastern European accent. The shot almost came out of my nose when I heard that toast.”
Priceress. I can almost hear the Arnold-esque voice in my head.
“In a matchup between two teams fighting to escape the Big 12 basement, Colorado proved it truly deserves last place.”
A great opening line to a game recap by the AP after Colorado scored 9 (yes, 9) points against Iowa State in the first half of their basketball game on Wednesday. Amazingly, there may be worse BCS basketball teams than Virginia.
After a post filled with quotes, I leave you with one of the funniest images I have seen in a long time. My coworker informed me that Jason Cain is alive and well playing basketball in Europe. Well, it turns out that his fans in Germany are just as passionate as the Assemblage of Cain was at UVa. And I can hardly blame them. No matter how boneheaded some of his plays were, Cain always played his heart out and was fun to watch. He will always hold a soft spot in my UVa basketball heart. The image below is a tapestry that Cain’s German fans brought to one of his games. It speaks for itself. Stache 4 Life. Godspeed.
February 06, 2009
Watchman
So I have figured out what the role of this blog is, at least part of it that is. I don’t try to perform much direct analysis of sporting events myself, because people that cover sports for a living do a much better job of it than I (Sports Illustrated, NFL.com, parts of ESPN.com), although there are some obvious hacks out there (Peter King, Gene Wojciechowski). I also weigh in on the good (Gus Johnson, Dan Schulman) and the bad (Mike Patrick, Tim McCarver) of the sports announcing world.
I analyze the analysis. I am the answer to that immortal Latin saying. I watch the watchmen.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? (Who shall watch the watchers themselves?)
Il Oceanlinere
This is a responsibility I don’t take lightly. So let’s get to it and move on to my weekly Peter King bashing.
I have already harped on how stupid it is that King continued to rank his Fine 15 teams throughout the playoffs, so we won’t spend long here.
Like a bad dream, King ranked his Fine 15 after the Super Bowl. He at least had the decency and the sanity to rank Pittsburgh and Arizona 1-2 in the “rankings”. Frankly, I wasn’t sure he was even going to that, but at least he hasn’t gone completely off the deep end.
I wanted to bring up King to illustrate how stupid his rankings were by highlighting how one team moved up and down the rankings, even though they missed the playoffs. Let’s review the New England Patriots.
The Patriots missed the playoffs, so by definition they were not one of the 8 best teams in the NFL. Yes the NFL division and seeding rules are strange so it is possible to argue this, but King ranks the Pats at 7 in his Fine 15 heading into the postseason. Interesting.
The next week, after Wild Card weekend, the Pats moved up in King’s rankings to 6th, even though, yes, they weren’t playing anymore. Ridiculous.
You can see where this is going. After the Divisional Weekend, when the Patriots shockingly continued not to play, King moved them up again, this time to 5th! Bill Belicheck must be more of a genius that I thought. No, it’s just King is that stupid.
For some reason King regained his senses after the Conference championship games and didn’t do his rankings, instead focusing on Super Bowl coverage. The Patriots waited in limbo.
Then after the Super Bowl, King was back with his Fine 15. With giddy anticipation I checked to see where the Pats were. Hilariously, they had dropped a spot to 6! I shake my head in amazement.
To recap, the Patriots went from 7, to 6, to 5, to 6…all without playing a game.
Ladies and gentlemen, Peter King!
Note to the ESPN.com watchmen who write headlines: you need to come up with some better puns with regards to Duke, or stop using them at all. ‘Be-deviled’ really doesn’t cut it anymore, especially when this year I have seen that headline both after a Duke win (Maryland) and a Duke loss (Clemson). Plus this isn’t exactly the first year this phrase has been used. ESPN pun writers, you can do better.
If Virginia is going to win another game in the ACC, they are going to have to stop having awful first halves. Over their last 6 conference game (all losses), the Hoos average halftime deficit is an astounding 15 points. It is almost impossible to come back from that, no matter how well you play in the second half, especially in ACC country. In 4 of those 6 games, Virginia outscored the other team in the second half (Duke and Carolina being the exceptions). Against Maryland, UVA was down 15 at the half, fought valiantly to pull within 3, and ultimately fell by 6. The most recent example was on Wednesday, where UVA fell behind by 20 at the half at home against Boston College, which is in itself inexcusable. Again the Hoos fought back and brought it to within 7 at one point in the second half, before losing by 10. These first half hole diggings are absolutely killing the team.
Another reason the Cavs lost on Wednesday was their inability to play basketball very well. Sylven Landesberg was again fantastic, pouring in 32 points on 56% shooting and adding 6 boards, 3 assists, 3 steals and a block. The rest of the team however, shot a ridiculously bad 21% from the field. As a team, the Cavs went 1-14 from three point “range”. The defense was also bad, allowing the Eagles to shoot 51% from the field. One positive note was after committing 23 turnovers against Duke on Sunday, the Hoos only had 7 on Wednesday. These BC games are the ones we have to win though, as we go to Chapel Hill tomorrow and are most certainly going to get annihilated.
At least the UNC game is on Raycom, so the watchmen won’t be Mike Patrick or Dick Vitale. But don’t worry, I’d be there even if they were.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Il Oceanlinere
I analyze the analysis. I am the answer to that immortal Latin saying. I watch the watchmen.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? (Who shall watch the watchers themselves?)
Il Oceanlinere
This is a responsibility I don’t take lightly. So let’s get to it and move on to my weekly Peter King bashing.
I have already harped on how stupid it is that King continued to rank his Fine 15 teams throughout the playoffs, so we won’t spend long here.
Like a bad dream, King ranked his Fine 15 after the Super Bowl. He at least had the decency and the sanity to rank Pittsburgh and Arizona 1-2 in the “rankings”. Frankly, I wasn’t sure he was even going to that, but at least he hasn’t gone completely off the deep end.
I wanted to bring up King to illustrate how stupid his rankings were by highlighting how one team moved up and down the rankings, even though they missed the playoffs. Let’s review the New England Patriots.
The Patriots missed the playoffs, so by definition they were not one of the 8 best teams in the NFL. Yes the NFL division and seeding rules are strange so it is possible to argue this, but King ranks the Pats at 7 in his Fine 15 heading into the postseason. Interesting.
The next week, after Wild Card weekend, the Pats moved up in King’s rankings to 6th, even though, yes, they weren’t playing anymore. Ridiculous.
You can see where this is going. After the Divisional Weekend, when the Patriots shockingly continued not to play, King moved them up again, this time to 5th! Bill Belicheck must be more of a genius that I thought. No, it’s just King is that stupid.
For some reason King regained his senses after the Conference championship games and didn’t do his rankings, instead focusing on Super Bowl coverage. The Patriots waited in limbo.
Then after the Super Bowl, King was back with his Fine 15. With giddy anticipation I checked to see where the Pats were. Hilariously, they had dropped a spot to 6! I shake my head in amazement.
To recap, the Patriots went from 7, to 6, to 5, to 6…all without playing a game.
Ladies and gentlemen, Peter King!
Note to the ESPN.com watchmen who write headlines: you need to come up with some better puns with regards to Duke, or stop using them at all. ‘Be-deviled’ really doesn’t cut it anymore, especially when this year I have seen that headline both after a Duke win (Maryland) and a Duke loss (Clemson). Plus this isn’t exactly the first year this phrase has been used. ESPN pun writers, you can do better.
If Virginia is going to win another game in the ACC, they are going to have to stop having awful first halves. Over their last 6 conference game (all losses), the Hoos average halftime deficit is an astounding 15 points. It is almost impossible to come back from that, no matter how well you play in the second half, especially in ACC country. In 4 of those 6 games, Virginia outscored the other team in the second half (Duke and Carolina being the exceptions). Against Maryland, UVA was down 15 at the half, fought valiantly to pull within 3, and ultimately fell by 6. The most recent example was on Wednesday, where UVA fell behind by 20 at the half at home against Boston College, which is in itself inexcusable. Again the Hoos fought back and brought it to within 7 at one point in the second half, before losing by 10. These first half hole diggings are absolutely killing the team.
Another reason the Cavs lost on Wednesday was their inability to play basketball very well. Sylven Landesberg was again fantastic, pouring in 32 points on 56% shooting and adding 6 boards, 3 assists, 3 steals and a block. The rest of the team however, shot a ridiculously bad 21% from the field. As a team, the Cavs went 1-14 from three point “range”. The defense was also bad, allowing the Eagles to shoot 51% from the field. One positive note was after committing 23 turnovers against Duke on Sunday, the Hoos only had 7 on Wednesday. These BC games are the ones we have to win though, as we go to Chapel Hill tomorrow and are most certainly going to get annihilated.
At least the UNC game is on Raycom, so the watchmen won’t be Mike Patrick or Dick Vitale. But don’t worry, I’d be there even if they were.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Il Oceanlinere
January 29, 2009
I Like My Posts Like I Like My Women: Short
So let's get to it.
Mike Patrick continues to ruin sporting events. I watched the majority of the Duke-Wake game on mute, and it was glorious. With 2 minutes left, Austin’s roommate (who went to Duke) walked into the apartment and wanted to listen to the rest of the game. Surely, thought the Oceanliner, Mike Patrick can’t be that bad in only 2 minutes. Silly Oceanliner, Trix are for kids. Sure enough, Patrick continues to be incredulous over the most common aspects of a game. I heard at least 5 “unbelievable”s in those last two minutes, as if Jabba had never seen a team come back from being 7 points down with multiple minutes left. I also caught at least two “are you KIDD-ing me!”. Mike, cmon buddy. They pay you to do this. Surely you can me more original than that.
In a shocking turn of events however, Dick Vitale saved the broadcast. Before Duke’s last possession, Vitale suggested (if somewhat obviously) that Duke should give the ball to Kyle Singler or Gerald Henderson, who had been the entire Duke offense in the second half. Henderson got the ball and tied the game with a sweet 15 footer. Then, before the Wake inbounds play, Vitale said something to the effect of:
“Johnson. They gotta give it to Johnson on the inside. That’s their best chance of winning this game”.
Not second leading scorer in the conference Jeff Teague, not all world freshman Al-Farouq Aminu, but James Johnson. Yet, verily, it came to pass. Duke uncharacteristically blew its set play coverage and Johnson laid it in for the W. Sweet, sweet nectar, though belong to Wake. I am not one to lavish Dicky V, but credit needs to be given where it was due, and he had a hell of an end game. Unfortunately, Mike Patrick never has a good game.
Ever notice how the plots of the Die Hard movies increase in scope with every edition? First Bruce Willis has to rescue an office building, then an airport, then a city, and finally a whole country. If they make a Die Hard 5, Willis might have to save the would from an alien attack. That’s fine with me though. If there’s anyone I want fighting aliens while covered in blood, chain smoking and delivering curse filled insults and rants, it’s lieutenant John McClane. I would ever go so far as to put John McClane in the same level as Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer. We could create a Mt. Rushmore of Hardasses…
Sorry, that last sentence was influenced by the horrendous new feature on SportsCenter called the Mt. Rushmore of Sports. If you haven’t heard about it yet, good. Look away and never watch SportsCenter again. I’m close to never watching it again myself. The Mt. Rushmore of Sports is next in line of terrible ESPN gimmicks in the mold of Who’s Now and the Greatest Highlight. SportsCenter looks more like TMZ now than a highlight show. What’s wrong with showing a 2 minute highlight for every NBA game the night before and actually showing a story develop? That’s what I want to see. Not who Idaho’s Mt. Rushmore of Sports is. Turrible.
That’s all I got. It’s freezing in DC. Out.
Mike Patrick continues to ruin sporting events. I watched the majority of the Duke-Wake game on mute, and it was glorious. With 2 minutes left, Austin’s roommate (who went to Duke) walked into the apartment and wanted to listen to the rest of the game. Surely, thought the Oceanliner, Mike Patrick can’t be that bad in only 2 minutes. Silly Oceanliner, Trix are for kids. Sure enough, Patrick continues to be incredulous over the most common aspects of a game. I heard at least 5 “unbelievable”s in those last two minutes, as if Jabba had never seen a team come back from being 7 points down with multiple minutes left. I also caught at least two “are you KIDD-ing me!”. Mike, cmon buddy. They pay you to do this. Surely you can me more original than that.
In a shocking turn of events however, Dick Vitale saved the broadcast. Before Duke’s last possession, Vitale suggested (if somewhat obviously) that Duke should give the ball to Kyle Singler or Gerald Henderson, who had been the entire Duke offense in the second half. Henderson got the ball and tied the game with a sweet 15 footer. Then, before the Wake inbounds play, Vitale said something to the effect of:
“Johnson. They gotta give it to Johnson on the inside. That’s their best chance of winning this game”.
Not second leading scorer in the conference Jeff Teague, not all world freshman Al-Farouq Aminu, but James Johnson. Yet, verily, it came to pass. Duke uncharacteristically blew its set play coverage and Johnson laid it in for the W. Sweet, sweet nectar, though belong to Wake. I am not one to lavish Dicky V, but credit needs to be given where it was due, and he had a hell of an end game. Unfortunately, Mike Patrick never has a good game.
Ever notice how the plots of the Die Hard movies increase in scope with every edition? First Bruce Willis has to rescue an office building, then an airport, then a city, and finally a whole country. If they make a Die Hard 5, Willis might have to save the would from an alien attack. That’s fine with me though. If there’s anyone I want fighting aliens while covered in blood, chain smoking and delivering curse filled insults and rants, it’s lieutenant John McClane. I would ever go so far as to put John McClane in the same level as Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer. We could create a Mt. Rushmore of Hardasses…
Sorry, that last sentence was influenced by the horrendous new feature on SportsCenter called the Mt. Rushmore of Sports. If you haven’t heard about it yet, good. Look away and never watch SportsCenter again. I’m close to never watching it again myself. The Mt. Rushmore of Sports is next in line of terrible ESPN gimmicks in the mold of Who’s Now and the Greatest Highlight. SportsCenter looks more like TMZ now than a highlight show. What’s wrong with showing a 2 minute highlight for every NBA game the night before and actually showing a story develop? That’s what I want to see. Not who Idaho’s Mt. Rushmore of Sports is. Turrible.
That’s all I got. It’s freezing in DC. Out.
January 22, 2009
Cold People in Silly Hats
I watched the Inauguration on my roommate’s 52 inch high definition TV, and not on the Mall in 25 degree weather with 2 million of my closest friends. I think I chose wisely. I thought it was a very nice ceremony, but the Oceanliner would like to rename the 2009 Inauguration “Cold People in Silly Hats”. It was astonishing how many people fit the bill for both of these descriptions; by looking both miserably cold while wearing a preposterous hat. And now, I present three short scenes from the Inauguration weekend:
Act I
(Program Coordinator for the We Are One concert approaches Martin Luther King III)
Program Coordinator: Hey Martin, thanks so much for being here on this historic, historic day.
King: It’s my pleasure, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. There’s actually been a slight change of plans. You know how we told you that you would be introducing a band alone? Well, scrap that. To make the star power of this event even greater, we have decided to give you a co-presenter. You will now introduce Mary J Blige with Laura Linney.
MLKIII: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the actress.
MLKIII:*blank stare*
PC: You know, the quirky blond actress who’s oh so cute.
MLKIII: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life. What has she been in?
PC: Oh, she’s been in tons of good stuff. She was in that movie, about the emotional mom…damn I can’t remember the name. Oh, and that show, where she played the quirky blond mom…it’s on the tip of my tongue.
(turns to a techie)
PC: Jim, Jim, quick, name a movie for Martin that Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the blond actress.
Jim: You mean the day time soap opera star?
PC: No, LAURA LINNEY, the acclaimed famous actress.
Jim: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life.
PC: Well, do you have an iPhone at least? Go to IMDB and see what Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Well, let’s see. She was in Congo. That was a doozy. Oh, and the Mothman Prophecies, I remember seeing a trailer for that once…
PC: Frasier! She was in Frasier! Surely you’ve seen Frasier, Martin.
MLKIII: I’m black, why would I ever watch Frasier? That was the whitest show of all time.
PC: Right.
MLKIII: Damn, why do I have to present with this Laura Linney. I see Jamie Fox right over there.
Act II
(Program Coordinator approaches Steve Carell before his introduction at the We Are One concert)
PC: Hey Steve, thanks for being here on this historic, history making day.
Steve Carell: No problem, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. Well, here’s your script for when you go out there and talk about Abraham Lincoln.
(Carell reads his lines)
Carell: Wait, you want me to go out there and just read off quotes that other people said?
PC: Uh, yeah.
Carell: Let me get this straight. You want me, Steve Carell, to go out there are read quotes that other people said, and not offer anything funny, witty or off the cuff sarcastic?
PC: Uhhhhh, that’s right Steve.
Carell: Are you insane? Why would people want to listen to me if I wasn’t trying to be funny? Did you see Dan in Real Life? It was awful!
PC: No, I never caught it. Listen I need you to…
Carell: Dan in Real Life! The director resorted to putting Dane Cook in that movie? Do you know what a desperate move that is?
PC: *hangs head in shame* I know, we almost had to call him for this concert.
Carell: Damnit, oh well. One other thing, why am I presenting with Jamie Foxx? We have nothing in common. Plus I see Laura Linney right over there. Why couldn’t I have presented with her? She so quirky.
Act III
(Program Coordinator for the Inauguration runs up to Aretha Franklin before going out to sing My Country Tis of Thee)
PC: Aretha! Thank God I got to you in time
Franklin: What is it, rube?
PC: So I know you wanted to wear that traditional, normal looking hat that you have on. But I just found this beautiful number from a dude selling hats on the street, and I need you to wear it.
Franklin: That’s the ugliest hat I’ve ever seen.
PC: No! It’s ahead of the curve! You’ve always been a trend setter; this could be your ultimate achievement!
Franklin: But it’s got an enormous bow on it. It’s putrid.
PC: If anyone in the world can pull it off, its you Aretha!
Franklin: How much did you pay for that hat?
PC: Four dollars, but that’s beside the point. Go out there and belt away!
Franklin: OK fine, gimme the damn hat.
PC: *beaming*
End
Watching the Virginia-Maryland basketball game on Tuesday night was a tale of two halves. The first was frustrating and depressing while the second was somewhat encouraging. In the first half, the Hoos showed all of the characteristics that they did when they got blown out by Xavier and Carolina; lots of turnovers, jacking tons off balance threes, poor defensive rebounding and silly fouls. In the first half, the Cavs were 2-13 from beyond the arc, and most of these threes were contested, horrible shots. They turned the ball over 12 times. The defense was horrific, giving up 45 points and allowed the Terps to shoot over 60% from the field. The starting frontcourt of Mike Scott and Asane Sene both picked up two stupid fouls. Leitao sits players who pick up two first half fouls, so we got out muscled by a weaker Maryland team for most of the first half. All in all, it was depressing as hell, losing 45-30 after only a half.
But hey, give Leitao, his staff and the players credit for fighting back in the second half. The team could have easily mailed it in and given up in the final 20 minutes, given that they were down by 15 on the road and playing terribly. But the Hoos responded well. They stopped turning the ball over as much, with only 7 turnovers in the second half. They started penetrating the lane (instead of launching off balance 3’s), where Calvin Baker began to make some runners, and Mike Scott began getting the ball fed to him. After being held to 2 points and 3 boards in the first half, Scott responded in a big way after intermission, pouring in 14 points and grabbing 7 rebounds. Scott is very capable of doing this on a regular basis, but he needs a combination of staying out of foul trouble and people getting him the ball. Dude is a monster on the glass and can create his own opportunities, as he leads the ACC in offensive rebounds per game. Because of this penetration and inside presence, the Virginia guards were able to kick out to open shooters on the perimeter, who were taking open 3’s and not wild, contested ones. Thus in the second half, because of the penetration and inside presence, UVA hit 4 of the 7 treys it took. The Hoos brought the deficit back to 2 before eventually losing by 6. A 15 point halftime deficit is just too hard to overcome.
Gene Wojciechowski is a bigger loser than I thought, and I thought he was a pretty big loser to begin with. This is the man that the Oceanliner lambasted in last week’s post for a column entitled “Book the Eagles for Tampa” in which Wojo said the Cardinals had “not shot” at winning the game and the Eagles were a “lock” for the Super Bowl. I noted that there are no locks in the NFL (especially with a 6 seed playing on the road), and that Gene was over confident. Well, we all know what happened. So somewhat naively I expected Wojciechowski’s next column to owe up to his horrible forecast. But no, his next column covered the AFC Championship, with this lone sentence referring to the NFC counterpart:
“Now the Steelers travel to Tampa, Fla., to face the NFC champion Arizona Cardinals.”
That’s it. That’s all he said about his Philly prediction. What a spineless douchebag. Three days after that, Geney boy wrote a column entitled “Looking back at my 2008 predictions” in the NFL. Surely, thought the Oceanliner, the G-man will own up to his terrible “lock” pick of a week before. Astonishingly, he failed to mention it again. This is the kind of talent ESPN locks up and gives unprecedented access to. It’s not like Sports Illustrated does any better though, as they employ Peter King to “analyze” professional football.
I don’t care about Lance Armstrong anymore. I don’t want coverage of his first race in Australia and the endless talk leading up to the Tour de France. I don’t care if he wins 5 more Tours. I would rather watch endless midsummer baseball highlights than him pedal through the Alps and defend himself against doping allegations. I don’t care about who he’s dating. I’m going to borrow from Dave Chappelle for a moment and tell Lance to stop riding a bike and “Go sell some medicine, bitches!” Does this mean we all have to get out our Live Strong bracelets again? Enough.
P.S. This is the picture ESPN.com ran of Lance when he made his 2009 debut in the Tour of Australia. When did Armstrong become a Sith lord? What a creeper.
So I went to the gym this morning at my office and forgot to pack a belt with my work clothes. I look and feel retarded.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Enjoy your snowshoeing, Glubiak.
Act I
(Program Coordinator for the We Are One concert approaches Martin Luther King III)
Program Coordinator: Hey Martin, thanks so much for being here on this historic, historic day.
King: It’s my pleasure, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. There’s actually been a slight change of plans. You know how we told you that you would be introducing a band alone? Well, scrap that. To make the star power of this event even greater, we have decided to give you a co-presenter. You will now introduce Mary J Blige with Laura Linney.
MLKIII: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the actress.
MLKIII:*blank stare*
PC: You know, the quirky blond actress who’s oh so cute.
MLKIII: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life. What has she been in?
PC: Oh, she’s been in tons of good stuff. She was in that movie, about the emotional mom…damn I can’t remember the name. Oh, and that show, where she played the quirky blond mom…it’s on the tip of my tongue.
(turns to a techie)
PC: Jim, Jim, quick, name a movie for Martin that Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the blond actress.
Jim: You mean the day time soap opera star?
PC: No, LAURA LINNEY, the acclaimed famous actress.
Jim: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life.
PC: Well, do you have an iPhone at least? Go to IMDB and see what Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Well, let’s see. She was in Congo. That was a doozy. Oh, and the Mothman Prophecies, I remember seeing a trailer for that once…
PC: Frasier! She was in Frasier! Surely you’ve seen Frasier, Martin.
MLKIII: I’m black, why would I ever watch Frasier? That was the whitest show of all time.
PC: Right.
MLKIII: Damn, why do I have to present with this Laura Linney. I see Jamie Fox right over there.
Act II
(Program Coordinator approaches Steve Carell before his introduction at the We Are One concert)
PC: Hey Steve, thanks for being here on this historic, history making day.
Steve Carell: No problem, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. Well, here’s your script for when you go out there and talk about Abraham Lincoln.
(Carell reads his lines)
Carell: Wait, you want me to go out there and just read off quotes that other people said?
PC: Uh, yeah.
Carell: Let me get this straight. You want me, Steve Carell, to go out there are read quotes that other people said, and not offer anything funny, witty or off the cuff sarcastic?
PC: Uhhhhh, that’s right Steve.
Carell: Are you insane? Why would people want to listen to me if I wasn’t trying to be funny? Did you see Dan in Real Life? It was awful!
PC: No, I never caught it. Listen I need you to…
Carell: Dan in Real Life! The director resorted to putting Dane Cook in that movie? Do you know what a desperate move that is?
PC: *hangs head in shame* I know, we almost had to call him for this concert.
Carell: Damnit, oh well. One other thing, why am I presenting with Jamie Foxx? We have nothing in common. Plus I see Laura Linney right over there. Why couldn’t I have presented with her? She so quirky.
Act III
(Program Coordinator for the Inauguration runs up to Aretha Franklin before going out to sing My Country Tis of Thee)
PC: Aretha! Thank God I got to you in time
Franklin: What is it, rube?
PC: So I know you wanted to wear that traditional, normal looking hat that you have on. But I just found this beautiful number from a dude selling hats on the street, and I need you to wear it.
Franklin: That’s the ugliest hat I’ve ever seen.
PC: No! It’s ahead of the curve! You’ve always been a trend setter; this could be your ultimate achievement!
Franklin: But it’s got an enormous bow on it. It’s putrid.
PC: If anyone in the world can pull it off, its you Aretha!
Franklin: How much did you pay for that hat?
PC: Four dollars, but that’s beside the point. Go out there and belt away!
Franklin: OK fine, gimme the damn hat.
PC: *beaming*
End Watching the Virginia-Maryland basketball game on Tuesday night was a tale of two halves. The first was frustrating and depressing while the second was somewhat encouraging. In the first half, the Hoos showed all of the characteristics that they did when they got blown out by Xavier and Carolina; lots of turnovers, jacking tons off balance threes, poor defensive rebounding and silly fouls. In the first half, the Cavs were 2-13 from beyond the arc, and most of these threes were contested, horrible shots. They turned the ball over 12 times. The defense was horrific, giving up 45 points and allowed the Terps to shoot over 60% from the field. The starting frontcourt of Mike Scott and Asane Sene both picked up two stupid fouls. Leitao sits players who pick up two first half fouls, so we got out muscled by a weaker Maryland team for most of the first half. All in all, it was depressing as hell, losing 45-30 after only a half.
But hey, give Leitao, his staff and the players credit for fighting back in the second half. The team could have easily mailed it in and given up in the final 20 minutes, given that they were down by 15 on the road and playing terribly. But the Hoos responded well. They stopped turning the ball over as much, with only 7 turnovers in the second half. They started penetrating the lane (instead of launching off balance 3’s), where Calvin Baker began to make some runners, and Mike Scott began getting the ball fed to him. After being held to 2 points and 3 boards in the first half, Scott responded in a big way after intermission, pouring in 14 points and grabbing 7 rebounds. Scott is very capable of doing this on a regular basis, but he needs a combination of staying out of foul trouble and people getting him the ball. Dude is a monster on the glass and can create his own opportunities, as he leads the ACC in offensive rebounds per game. Because of this penetration and inside presence, the Virginia guards were able to kick out to open shooters on the perimeter, who were taking open 3’s and not wild, contested ones. Thus in the second half, because of the penetration and inside presence, UVA hit 4 of the 7 treys it took. The Hoos brought the deficit back to 2 before eventually losing by 6. A 15 point halftime deficit is just too hard to overcome.
Gene Wojciechowski is a bigger loser than I thought, and I thought he was a pretty big loser to begin with. This is the man that the Oceanliner lambasted in last week’s post for a column entitled “Book the Eagles for Tampa” in which Wojo said the Cardinals had “not shot” at winning the game and the Eagles were a “lock” for the Super Bowl. I noted that there are no locks in the NFL (especially with a 6 seed playing on the road), and that Gene was over confident. Well, we all know what happened. So somewhat naively I expected Wojciechowski’s next column to owe up to his horrible forecast. But no, his next column covered the AFC Championship, with this lone sentence referring to the NFC counterpart:
“Now the Steelers travel to Tampa, Fla., to face the NFC champion Arizona Cardinals.”
That’s it. That’s all he said about his Philly prediction. What a spineless douchebag. Three days after that, Geney boy wrote a column entitled “Looking back at my 2008 predictions” in the NFL. Surely, thought the Oceanliner, the G-man will own up to his terrible “lock” pick of a week before. Astonishingly, he failed to mention it again. This is the kind of talent ESPN locks up and gives unprecedented access to. It’s not like Sports Illustrated does any better though, as they employ Peter King to “analyze” professional football.
I don’t care about Lance Armstrong anymore. I don’t want coverage of his first race in Australia and the endless talk leading up to the Tour de France. I don’t care if he wins 5 more Tours. I would rather watch endless midsummer baseball highlights than him pedal through the Alps and defend himself against doping allegations. I don’t care about who he’s dating. I’m going to borrow from Dave Chappelle for a moment and tell Lance to stop riding a bike and “Go sell some medicine, bitches!” Does this mean we all have to get out our Live Strong bracelets again? Enough.
P.S. This is the picture ESPN.com ran of Lance when he made his 2009 debut in the Tour of Australia. When did Armstrong become a Sith lord? What a creeper.
So I went to the gym this morning at my office and forgot to pack a belt with my work clothes. I look and feel retarded.Well, that’s it for this week folks. Enjoy your snowshoeing, Glubiak.
January 14, 2009
People
Well folks, it’s that time again. Time to unveil the strangest, stupidest and most perplexing bumper sticker and vanity plates that I have seen over the past half year. Yes, it’s this kind of hard hitting journalism that keeps bringing people back to the Oceanliner.
A couple sports related thoughts before we get to the important stuff:
Oceanliner Man of the Year nominee Peter King over at Sports Illustrated is at it again. With four teams remaining in the NFL playoffs, King inexplicably continues to rank the “Fine Fifteen” teams in the league in his opinion. You would think at this point the top four teams would be fairly obvious, you know, the four teams remaining in the playoffs. But no, Petey has ranked a team that did not even make the playoffs (Patriots at 5th) ahead of the team that is hosting the NFC Championship game (Cardinals at 7th). While you are trying to wrap your head around that one, consider this: King has New England ranked one spot higher than he did last week, even though they missed the playoffs and haven’t played a game since December 28th! Ladies and gentlemen, Peter King!
The Oceanliner would like to present this short scene of an actual conversation between myself and Glubiak:
Glubiak: Well, I have to get to class.
Me: Don’t Freeze.
Glubiak: Today is a 5 layer day.
Ladies and gentlemen, Vermont!
Seemingly written with the Peter King school of thought in mind, Gene Wojociechowski posted a front page epsn.com article on Monday declaring that the Eagles were a “lock” to beat the Cardinals on Sunday, that Arizona had “no shot” and that Eagles fans could start booking their plane tickets to Tampa. This is the same Eagles team that tied 4-win Cincinnati. The same Eagles team that twice lost to the Redskins. The same Eagles team who’s starting running back is averaging 1.9 yards per carry in the playoffs…on 38 carries. The same Eagles team that had not one, but two players throw the ball away on the 1-yard line before almost scoring untouched touchdowns in the regular season. The same Eagles team that has Andy Reid as a head coach. Nothing is a lock in the NFL. The teams are too good and the talent across the league is too even for anything to be a lock. When Florida hosts Chattanooga in college football, that is a lock. When a 9-6-1 team goes on the road for a Conference Championship Game, it is not a lock. In the NFL, nothing is a lock (see Panthers, Carolina hosting the Arizona Cardinals).
Last sports note: Here is an excellent article by the Ombudsman for ESPN on why it’s bad when ESPN makes itself the story instead of just covering an event. It’s nice to see that at least someone there can see what’s going on, even if it is her job to criticize her own employer. This is not the first time I’ve linked to her either, she does a good job.
Ok, back to the important stuff. Without further ado, here are your 2nd1/2’08DCMABSAS! (2nd half 2008 D.C. Metro Area Bumper Sticker All Stars)
All Yield to the Princess
This sticker is so corny and so stupid that it made me shiver wit awkwardness when I saw it. Go have another Twinkie, princess.
My Jack Russell Terrier is Smarter than Your Honor Roll Student
Embarrassingly stupid.
Got Triathlon?
Stupid. You can’t “have” triathlon. Does Michael Phelps have a sticker on his car that says “Got 400 meter freestyle?” Actually, he probably does.
War is Not the Answer, Trees are the Answer
I don’t know what to say.
Play More Violin
Although strange, at least this one is clear and unambiguous
18-1
The fact that someone put in the money to buy the sticker, the effort to put in on their car and the acceptance of a permanent bumper sticker just to make fun of the Patriots, when it clearly isn’t their favorite team, is impressive.
Armed Liberal
This sticker had two crossing guns between the two words. Interesting how specific this guy gets in his own description.
Tex-Ass
Again, similar to the 18-1 sticker, going to such efforts not to highlight your state but put down someone else’s…hilarious.
The only difference between Obama and Osama is a little BS
Gotta love it.
II1II1I
This was a vanity plate on a black Chrysler sedan. Is there any question that this guy was on his way to commit a crime? I’m not even sure I got the plate right; it was just full of ones and letter I’s. This was my favorite one of all.
Well folks, there are your top 10 for the second half of 2008. As always, I would love to hear about good ones yall have seen in the field.
I leave you this week with a list Internet searches that were used to find this here blog. In case you missed the last one, I use Google Analytics to monitor my site, and if someone uses a search engine to find my site, it tells me what they searched for. Some of the search results that come up are astounding. This is 100% true, because well, it would be impossible to make this stuff up. Enjoy
Actual Google Searches That People Entered and Somehow Ended up on the Oceanliner (my comments are in parentheses and were not part of the search)
sheryl crow ruined national anthem
deez nuts clothing
nba volleyball (I’m glad I’m not the only one dreaming about this)
sheryl crow putrid (ouch)
john mccain jabba the hut
brazilianfartfetishporn.com
nba volleyball players (success)
where do mlb players get hemp necklaces
vince carter volleyball (we are going to start a revolution)
how toilets work on an ocean liner (this guy has way too much free time)
how fast can an oceanliner make a u turn (ditto)
which way would you go if you went to India by oceanliner (speechless)
how many lifeboats are needed exactly on an ocean liner (who knew so many people were interested in the inner working of an oceanliner)
i am looking for a wedding dress that i saw on an oceanliner (now that’s sad)
movies catfight clothes torn embarrassed
is jabba the hut a good guy
peter king coffee
short sleeve button downs
funny superman and black guy joke
save by zero commercial being pulled
lebron volleyball (he’d be the best player ever)
dwight howard volleyball (I recant my statement, it would be a good battle)
allen iverson volleyball
nba players playing volleyball (Yes we can!)
brett farve interception compulation (I’m not the only one looking for it)
if you were standing in a frozen tundra where would you be standing? (a confused young man)
“rest area” gay (I’ve got nothing)
hilarious alcohol related stories
black guys and jorts
burritos tossed at wizards stadium
mid air tea bag dunk
The Top 5
mike ditka brett favre joke car wreck (I would LOVE to hear this joke)
history of tea bagging in games (did someone think they were actually going to find an archive of this)
extra extra read all about it deez nutz (I’m at a loss for words)
bitches deez days always after ur money (truer words have never been spoken…)
are sales down at brett favre’s steakhouse? (I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep if I don’t find out)
Goodnight folks, goodnight moon.
A couple sports related thoughts before we get to the important stuff:
Oceanliner Man of the Year nominee Peter King over at Sports Illustrated is at it again. With four teams remaining in the NFL playoffs, King inexplicably continues to rank the “Fine Fifteen” teams in the league in his opinion. You would think at this point the top four teams would be fairly obvious, you know, the four teams remaining in the playoffs. But no, Petey has ranked a team that did not even make the playoffs (Patriots at 5th) ahead of the team that is hosting the NFC Championship game (Cardinals at 7th). While you are trying to wrap your head around that one, consider this: King has New England ranked one spot higher than he did last week, even though they missed the playoffs and haven’t played a game since December 28th! Ladies and gentlemen, Peter King!
The Oceanliner would like to present this short scene of an actual conversation between myself and Glubiak:
Glubiak: Well, I have to get to class.
Me: Don’t Freeze.
Glubiak: Today is a 5 layer day.
Ladies and gentlemen, Vermont!
Seemingly written with the Peter King school of thought in mind, Gene Wojociechowski posted a front page epsn.com article on Monday declaring that the Eagles were a “lock” to beat the Cardinals on Sunday, that Arizona had “no shot” and that Eagles fans could start booking their plane tickets to Tampa. This is the same Eagles team that tied 4-win Cincinnati. The same Eagles team that twice lost to the Redskins. The same Eagles team who’s starting running back is averaging 1.9 yards per carry in the playoffs…on 38 carries. The same Eagles team that had not one, but two players throw the ball away on the 1-yard line before almost scoring untouched touchdowns in the regular season. The same Eagles team that has Andy Reid as a head coach. Nothing is a lock in the NFL. The teams are too good and the talent across the league is too even for anything to be a lock. When Florida hosts Chattanooga in college football, that is a lock. When a 9-6-1 team goes on the road for a Conference Championship Game, it is not a lock. In the NFL, nothing is a lock (see Panthers, Carolina hosting the Arizona Cardinals).
Last sports note: Here is an excellent article by the Ombudsman for ESPN on why it’s bad when ESPN makes itself the story instead of just covering an event. It’s nice to see that at least someone there can see what’s going on, even if it is her job to criticize her own employer. This is not the first time I’ve linked to her either, she does a good job.
Ok, back to the important stuff. Without further ado, here are your 2nd1/2’08DCMABSAS! (2nd half 2008 D.C. Metro Area Bumper Sticker All Stars)
All Yield to the Princess
This sticker is so corny and so stupid that it made me shiver wit awkwardness when I saw it. Go have another Twinkie, princess.
My Jack Russell Terrier is Smarter than Your Honor Roll Student
Embarrassingly stupid.
Got Triathlon?
Stupid. You can’t “have” triathlon. Does Michael Phelps have a sticker on his car that says “Got 400 meter freestyle?” Actually, he probably does.
War is Not the Answer, Trees are the Answer
I don’t know what to say.
Play More Violin
Although strange, at least this one is clear and unambiguous
18-1
The fact that someone put in the money to buy the sticker, the effort to put in on their car and the acceptance of a permanent bumper sticker just to make fun of the Patriots, when it clearly isn’t their favorite team, is impressive.
Armed Liberal
This sticker had two crossing guns between the two words. Interesting how specific this guy gets in his own description.
Tex-Ass
Again, similar to the 18-1 sticker, going to such efforts not to highlight your state but put down someone else’s…hilarious.
The only difference between Obama and Osama is a little BS
Gotta love it.
II1II1I
This was a vanity plate on a black Chrysler sedan. Is there any question that this guy was on his way to commit a crime? I’m not even sure I got the plate right; it was just full of ones and letter I’s. This was my favorite one of all.
Well folks, there are your top 10 for the second half of 2008. As always, I would love to hear about good ones yall have seen in the field.
I leave you this week with a list Internet searches that were used to find this here blog. In case you missed the last one, I use Google Analytics to monitor my site, and if someone uses a search engine to find my site, it tells me what they searched for. Some of the search results that come up are astounding. This is 100% true, because well, it would be impossible to make this stuff up. Enjoy
Actual Google Searches That People Entered and Somehow Ended up on the Oceanliner (my comments are in parentheses and were not part of the search)
sheryl crow ruined national anthem
deez nuts clothing
nba volleyball (I’m glad I’m not the only one dreaming about this)
sheryl crow putrid (ouch)
john mccain jabba the hut
brazilianfartfetishporn.com
nba volleyball players (success)
where do mlb players get hemp necklaces
vince carter volleyball (we are going to start a revolution)
how toilets work on an ocean liner (this guy has way too much free time)
how fast can an oceanliner make a u turn (ditto)
which way would you go if you went to India by oceanliner (speechless)
how many lifeboats are needed exactly on an ocean liner (who knew so many people were interested in the inner working of an oceanliner)
i am looking for a wedding dress that i saw on an oceanliner (now that’s sad)
movies catfight clothes torn embarrassed
is jabba the hut a good guy
peter king coffee
short sleeve button downs
funny superman and black guy joke
save by zero commercial being pulled
lebron volleyball (he’d be the best player ever)
dwight howard volleyball (I recant my statement, it would be a good battle)
allen iverson volleyball
nba players playing volleyball (Yes we can!)
brett farve interception compulation (I’m not the only one looking for it)
if you were standing in a frozen tundra where would you be standing? (a confused young man)
“rest area” gay (I’ve got nothing)
hilarious alcohol related stories
black guys and jorts
burritos tossed at wizards stadium
mid air tea bag dunk
The Top 5
mike ditka brett favre joke car wreck (I would LOVE to hear this joke)
history of tea bagging in games (did someone think they were actually going to find an archive of this)
extra extra read all about it deez nutz (I’m at a loss for words)
bitches deez days always after ur money (truer words have never been spoken…)
are sales down at brett favre’s steakhouse? (I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep if I don’t find out)
Goodnight folks, goodnight moon.
January 07, 2009
85 Kinds of Nasty
There is terrible weather here in the District right now: mid 30’s and rain. As I trudged through this muck this morning I thought to myself, “Man, this weather is 85 kinds of nasty”. Then I thought to myself, “I should call this week’s column 85 Kinds of Nasty”. So here you go.
1: No 2008 recap or 2009 preview here at the Oceanliner. You think a site devoted to random thoughts about sports and life could synthesize a post about an entire year? As Kevin McAlister of Home Alone would say with a contorted facial expression, “IIIII don’t think so”.
6: Note to future bloggers attempting to mail in a column: If you skip numbers, you don’t have to come up with a full 85 ideas for a post called “85 Kinds of Nasty”.
8: While the Oceanliner may not be, Chris Paul is certifiably 85 kinds of nasty. The most recent evidence: CP3 is tied for first in the NBA in double doubles. This is insane for a point guard. To put this into perspective, the next highest guard in the double double rankings is Deron Williams…in a tie for 18th. In fact, Paul and Williams are the only guards in the top 30 players in terms of double doubles for the season. And Paul is tied for first. Filthy. Oh yeah, CP3 also has 3 triple doubles on the year, which leads the league and is 2 more than anyone else.
9: Interestingly, Chris Duhon of your New Your Knicks is 3rd in the NBA among guards in double doubles. Yes, this is the same Duhon who gayed it up at Duke for seemingly 6 years. He seems to be doing quite well in Mike D’Antoni’s run and gun system. One thing padding Duhon’s stats a little is the fact that he is second in the NBA in minutes per game, playing an astonishing 39.8 minutes per contest. Who would have thought?
12: Also somewhat surprising is that King James only has 7 double doubles in 33 games. This is somewhat misleading, as Bron Bron is averaging over 6 assists and 6 rebounds per game. I couldn’t find this stat, but LBJ probably leads the league in 32 point, 9 assist, 8 rebound, 5 block, 4 steal, and 3 pride obliterating dunk games.
13: Yes, I just stole a line from Aqua Teen.
14: Back to LeBron for a second. One telling sign of the Cavs awesome 27-6 start may be that they are getting it done as a team, not just watching the King play. LeBron is way down at 30th in the NBA in minutes per game, but Cleveland has been steamrolling. In the past 3 seasons, LBJ was 3rd, 3rd and 2nd in minutes played per game in the NBA, playing over 40 minutes a game in all 3 seasons. Now he is down to 36 minutes per game, but is getting fantastic support from the emerging Daniel Gibson, Delonte West, Big Z, Wally Szczerbiak, tough Anderson Varejao and especially off-season acquisition Mo Williams. Williams is averaging 15 points, 4 dimes and 3 boards and is a supreme ball handler when James is out. If the Cavs continue to play with LBJ instead of watching him, they could be scary in June.
26: The different cup sizes in one National Airport coffee shop were tall, grande and ultimo. How ridiculous would you sound if you went up to the counter and said, “Yes, I’ll have an ultimo coffee please”. About as ridiculous as if you ordered a venti coffee. Which is why I still refuse to use the Starbucks drink size terminology (I always ask for a medium), even though I know that they know that I know what the sizes are called.
26b: I saw 3 different Starbucks in the Charlotte airport, and I wasn’t even there for that long.
37: Jose Calderon of the Raptors has made all 72 of his free throw attempts this year. Very impressive.
38: Unimpressively and unsurprisingly, Rasheed Wallace leads the NBA in technical fouls, just ahead of brawler and gun waver Stephen Jackson. Over the past 8 seasons, Wallace has ranked 3rd, 1st, 1st, 1st, 2nd, 13th, 1st and 1st in technical fouls, including an astounding 41 T’s in 2000-20001. He only played 77 games that year, so you could count on Sheed getting T’d up every other game. Dean Smith would not be happy.
41: We are going to start talking about football now.
42: But not before an amusing anecdote about my ski trip in Colorado.
45: One day I got onto a lift with three heady looking snowboarders. About halfway up the mountain one of the guys pulled out a sack of weed and a little one hitter. Apparently I don’t look like a DEA agent.
54: Football now, for real this time.
56: Peter King bashing time. King continued to rank his Fine Fifteen teams in this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback column, even though there are only 8 teams left in the playoffs. Thanks Pete, thanks for ranking the teams that are no longer alive. Even more preposterously, King ranked teams that are no longer in the tourney ahead of teams that are still in. He’s got the Colts at number 8, ahead of two teams that are still in the playoffs in Philly and Arizona. If you are already shaking your head in incredulity, you may not want to read the next sentence. Not only does he have the previous mind blower, he has a team that didn’t even make the playoffs (the Patriots) as the 6th best team in the league! King “ranks” the Pats ahead of those two teams that are still in the playoffs, plus the four teams that made the tourney but got eliminated (Falcons, Dolphins, Vikings and Colts). If you are wondering how he gets paid to do this, join the club.
56b: King bashing continues. The Loser said this about the Giants. “I think if the Yankees fired Joe Girardi tomorrow, the Steinbrenners would want to interview Steve Spagnuolo”. Note: Steve Spagnuolo is the Giants defensive coordinator, not a baseball coach. And if this was supposed to be a joke, King is a worse comedian that football writer.
59: I don’t have nearly enough amusing anecdotes in this post. My break was that amazing and relaxing.
60: I'm in impressed by Michael Phelps's swimming skills like a lot of people, and I think SI made a good choice in annointing him Sportsman of the Year. But some people are taking it a little bit too far with their praise. Like Jason Read, a US Olympic rower who had this to say in a letter to Sports Illustrated;
"Your selection of Michael Phelps as Sportsman of the Year is an excellent one. He is inspiring not only to billions worldwide but also to all of us on the Olympic team. That he is the greatest Olympian ever is indisputable. Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime".
Dude, Jason, you can get off your knees now. What Phelps did is impressive, but I'm not inspired by him. I doubt the dude is inspiring billions of people, that would be more than 20% of the world. And what does that last sentence even mean, "Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime"? Get outta here. The dude can swim across a pool extremely fast. Other than that, he can look awkward really well.
62: The Giants had one of the more spectacular rushing seasons I can remember, even slightly more impressive even than the Panthers 2 headed monster of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. The G-Men had two running backs go over 1,000 and each average 5 yards per carry or better in Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward. Ward won the league YPC title over Williams 5.6 to 5.5. The Giants as a team averaged 5.01 yards per carry…for the season. This was slightly better than Carolina at 4.8. Not only did the Giants blow people away on the ground, they didn’t give the ball up either. The Giants only lost 2 fumbles on rushing attempts the whole season, best in the league. (Note: Part of fumble recoveries is luck, and the Giants did get lucky in recovering their own fumbles. They fumbled 14 times while running (still goof for 7th in the NFL), but recovered 12 of them. The Panthers, on the other hand, only fumbled 11 times, but lost 7 of them)
63: LaDanian Tomlinson had one of the best seasons ever for a player who is “washed up”. Dude still ran for 1110 yards and 11 touchdowns. The telling stat that he is on the decline though was his 3.8 yards per carry, good for 41st in the NFL. When a back’s average dips below 4, you should start selling.
64: LT has had one of the most spectacularly consistent and amazing careers that a running back has ever had. In 8 seasons he has rushed for 1236, 1683, 1645, 1335, 1462, 1815, 1474, and 1110 yards. He has never had less than 367 receiving yards in a season. He has run and caught 141 touchdowns, and has even thrown for seven more. He has averaged 122 yards and over a touchdown per game in his career. He is second in career rushing touchdowns, and tied for 4th in total career touchdowns (excluding quarterbacks). You can count on him playing too; he’s only missed one regular season game in 8 years. What a stud.
65: Here are some surprising stats when glancing through the NFL annals.
66: Edgerrin James is 11th all time in the NFL in rushing yards, and 18th in career rushing TD’s. If you just looked at stats, he’s a Hall of Famer.
67: Fred Taylor is 16th. For a guy who is most famous for being injured, that’s pretty damn impressive.
68: Warrick Dunn is 19th. For someone listed at 5’9”, that’s pretty damn impressive.
69: 69, he he.
70: Terrell Owens is the person tied with LT for 4th on the career touchdown list, 5 TD’s ahead of Randy Moss.
71: Shaun Alexander has the 7th most rushing touchdowns in NFL history.
72: Lions kicker Jason Hanson went 8 for 8 this year on field goals of over 50 yards.
73: Donnie Jones, the St. Louis punter, averaged 50 yards a kick for the season.
74: If you have a good year on special teams for horrific franchises, it doesn’t make you feel any better.
75: Calvin Johnson caught 78 balls for 1331 yards (5th in the NFL) and 12 touchdowns (T-1st) yet didn’t make the Pro Bowl. Welcome to Detroit!
79: Tony Gonzalez is 9th on the all-time receptions list.
81: Brett Favre led the NFL in interceptions this year with 22 and his team missed the playoffs, but he somehow made the Pro Bowl.
82: Favre has thrown at least 20 picks 6 times in his career.
83: I hate Brett Favre.
84: I hate Brett Favre.
85: Well folks, there you have it, 85 kinds of nasty, or at least random stats I found interesting. Everyone should refer to Chris Paul as 85 Kinds of Nasty and give me all the credit. Happy 2009 friends. Keep it real.
1: No 2008 recap or 2009 preview here at the Oceanliner. You think a site devoted to random thoughts about sports and life could synthesize a post about an entire year? As Kevin McAlister of Home Alone would say with a contorted facial expression, “IIIII don’t think so”.
6: Note to future bloggers attempting to mail in a column: If you skip numbers, you don’t have to come up with a full 85 ideas for a post called “85 Kinds of Nasty”.
8: While the Oceanliner may not be, Chris Paul is certifiably 85 kinds of nasty. The most recent evidence: CP3 is tied for first in the NBA in double doubles. This is insane for a point guard. To put this into perspective, the next highest guard in the double double rankings is Deron Williams…in a tie for 18th. In fact, Paul and Williams are the only guards in the top 30 players in terms of double doubles for the season. And Paul is tied for first. Filthy. Oh yeah, CP3 also has 3 triple doubles on the year, which leads the league and is 2 more than anyone else.
9: Interestingly, Chris Duhon of your New Your Knicks is 3rd in the NBA among guards in double doubles. Yes, this is the same Duhon who gayed it up at Duke for seemingly 6 years. He seems to be doing quite well in Mike D’Antoni’s run and gun system. One thing padding Duhon’s stats a little is the fact that he is second in the NBA in minutes per game, playing an astonishing 39.8 minutes per contest. Who would have thought?
12: Also somewhat surprising is that King James only has 7 double doubles in 33 games. This is somewhat misleading, as Bron Bron is averaging over 6 assists and 6 rebounds per game. I couldn’t find this stat, but LBJ probably leads the league in 32 point, 9 assist, 8 rebound, 5 block, 4 steal, and 3 pride obliterating dunk games.
13: Yes, I just stole a line from Aqua Teen.
14: Back to LeBron for a second. One telling sign of the Cavs awesome 27-6 start may be that they are getting it done as a team, not just watching the King play. LeBron is way down at 30th in the NBA in minutes per game, but Cleveland has been steamrolling. In the past 3 seasons, LBJ was 3rd, 3rd and 2nd in minutes played per game in the NBA, playing over 40 minutes a game in all 3 seasons. Now he is down to 36 minutes per game, but is getting fantastic support from the emerging Daniel Gibson, Delonte West, Big Z, Wally Szczerbiak, tough Anderson Varejao and especially off-season acquisition Mo Williams. Williams is averaging 15 points, 4 dimes and 3 boards and is a supreme ball handler when James is out. If the Cavs continue to play with LBJ instead of watching him, they could be scary in June.
26: The different cup sizes in one National Airport coffee shop were tall, grande and ultimo. How ridiculous would you sound if you went up to the counter and said, “Yes, I’ll have an ultimo coffee please”. About as ridiculous as if you ordered a venti coffee. Which is why I still refuse to use the Starbucks drink size terminology (I always ask for a medium), even though I know that they know that I know what the sizes are called.
26b: I saw 3 different Starbucks in the Charlotte airport, and I wasn’t even there for that long.
37: Jose Calderon of the Raptors has made all 72 of his free throw attempts this year. Very impressive.
38: Unimpressively and unsurprisingly, Rasheed Wallace leads the NBA in technical fouls, just ahead of brawler and gun waver Stephen Jackson. Over the past 8 seasons, Wallace has ranked 3rd, 1st, 1st, 1st, 2nd, 13th, 1st and 1st in technical fouls, including an astounding 41 T’s in 2000-20001. He only played 77 games that year, so you could count on Sheed getting T’d up every other game. Dean Smith would not be happy.
41: We are going to start talking about football now.
42: But not before an amusing anecdote about my ski trip in Colorado.
45: One day I got onto a lift with three heady looking snowboarders. About halfway up the mountain one of the guys pulled out a sack of weed and a little one hitter. Apparently I don’t look like a DEA agent.
54: Football now, for real this time.
56: Peter King bashing time. King continued to rank his Fine Fifteen teams in this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback column, even though there are only 8 teams left in the playoffs. Thanks Pete, thanks for ranking the teams that are no longer alive. Even more preposterously, King ranked teams that are no longer in the tourney ahead of teams that are still in. He’s got the Colts at number 8, ahead of two teams that are still in the playoffs in Philly and Arizona. If you are already shaking your head in incredulity, you may not want to read the next sentence. Not only does he have the previous mind blower, he has a team that didn’t even make the playoffs (the Patriots) as the 6th best team in the league! King “ranks” the Pats ahead of those two teams that are still in the playoffs, plus the four teams that made the tourney but got eliminated (Falcons, Dolphins, Vikings and Colts). If you are wondering how he gets paid to do this, join the club.
56b: King bashing continues. The Loser said this about the Giants. “I think if the Yankees fired Joe Girardi tomorrow, the Steinbrenners would want to interview Steve Spagnuolo”. Note: Steve Spagnuolo is the Giants defensive coordinator, not a baseball coach. And if this was supposed to be a joke, King is a worse comedian that football writer.
59: I don’t have nearly enough amusing anecdotes in this post. My break was that amazing and relaxing.
60: I'm in impressed by Michael Phelps's swimming skills like a lot of people, and I think SI made a good choice in annointing him Sportsman of the Year. But some people are taking it a little bit too far with their praise. Like Jason Read, a US Olympic rower who had this to say in a letter to Sports Illustrated;
"Your selection of Michael Phelps as Sportsman of the Year is an excellent one. He is inspiring not only to billions worldwide but also to all of us on the Olympic team. That he is the greatest Olympian ever is indisputable. Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime".
Dude, Jason, you can get off your knees now. What Phelps did is impressive, but I'm not inspired by him. I doubt the dude is inspiring billions of people, that would be more than 20% of the world. And what does that last sentence even mean, "Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime"? Get outta here. The dude can swim across a pool extremely fast. Other than that, he can look awkward really well.
62: The Giants had one of the more spectacular rushing seasons I can remember, even slightly more impressive even than the Panthers 2 headed monster of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. The G-Men had two running backs go over 1,000 and each average 5 yards per carry or better in Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward. Ward won the league YPC title over Williams 5.6 to 5.5. The Giants as a team averaged 5.01 yards per carry…for the season. This was slightly better than Carolina at 4.8. Not only did the Giants blow people away on the ground, they didn’t give the ball up either. The Giants only lost 2 fumbles on rushing attempts the whole season, best in the league. (Note: Part of fumble recoveries is luck, and the Giants did get lucky in recovering their own fumbles. They fumbled 14 times while running (still goof for 7th in the NFL), but recovered 12 of them. The Panthers, on the other hand, only fumbled 11 times, but lost 7 of them)
63: LaDanian Tomlinson had one of the best seasons ever for a player who is “washed up”. Dude still ran for 1110 yards and 11 touchdowns. The telling stat that he is on the decline though was his 3.8 yards per carry, good for 41st in the NFL. When a back’s average dips below 4, you should start selling.
64: LT has had one of the most spectacularly consistent and amazing careers that a running back has ever had. In 8 seasons he has rushed for 1236, 1683, 1645, 1335, 1462, 1815, 1474, and 1110 yards. He has never had less than 367 receiving yards in a season. He has run and caught 141 touchdowns, and has even thrown for seven more. He has averaged 122 yards and over a touchdown per game in his career. He is second in career rushing touchdowns, and tied for 4th in total career touchdowns (excluding quarterbacks). You can count on him playing too; he’s only missed one regular season game in 8 years. What a stud.
65: Here are some surprising stats when glancing through the NFL annals.
66: Edgerrin James is 11th all time in the NFL in rushing yards, and 18th in career rushing TD’s. If you just looked at stats, he’s a Hall of Famer.
67: Fred Taylor is 16th. For a guy who is most famous for being injured, that’s pretty damn impressive.
68: Warrick Dunn is 19th. For someone listed at 5’9”, that’s pretty damn impressive.
69: 69, he he.
70: Terrell Owens is the person tied with LT for 4th on the career touchdown list, 5 TD’s ahead of Randy Moss.
71: Shaun Alexander has the 7th most rushing touchdowns in NFL history.
72: Lions kicker Jason Hanson went 8 for 8 this year on field goals of over 50 yards.
73: Donnie Jones, the St. Louis punter, averaged 50 yards a kick for the season.
74: If you have a good year on special teams for horrific franchises, it doesn’t make you feel any better.
75: Calvin Johnson caught 78 balls for 1331 yards (5th in the NFL) and 12 touchdowns (T-1st) yet didn’t make the Pro Bowl. Welcome to Detroit!
79: Tony Gonzalez is 9th on the all-time receptions list.
81: Brett Favre led the NFL in interceptions this year with 22 and his team missed the playoffs, but he somehow made the Pro Bowl.
82: Favre has thrown at least 20 picks 6 times in his career.
83: I hate Brett Favre.
84: I hate Brett Favre.
85: Well folks, there you have it, 85 kinds of nasty, or at least random stats I found interesting. Everyone should refer to Chris Paul as 85 Kinds of Nasty and give me all the credit. Happy 2009 friends. Keep it real.
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