I'm Yatesing This Column

Sorry guys, no time for apost this week. I'm busy and I'm moving on Saturday. Check back in next week for a guaranteed Oceanliner fix. Godspeed.

Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Stat of the Week

In today's NBA, it is one of the lead items on SportsCenter when a player goes for a triple double the night before. It has become a fairly rare occurance, with Jason Kidd and King James the only players able to do it at a decent pace (they were the only players to do it more than 5 times last year). Which makes it all the more incredible and jaw dropping that in 1961-1962, Oscar Robertson averaged a triple double for the entire season. That's right folks, averaged. The Big O's line for the season reads something like this:

30.8 points, 12.5 rebounds, 11.4 assists

Try this on for size: Robertson did this in his second season as a pro! Absorutety ridicurous is what that it. Let's drag this one out. There were 40 triple doubles among all players in the NBA last year. Robertson had 41 by himself in '61-'62. This man was good at basketball.

Headlines

And You Thought Glubiak Was Slow…

Wednesday was officially the slowest day of the sports year. Baseball was off for its only day all summer because of the All Star Break. The NBA, NFL, and NHL are in their off-season. The NBA, NFL and MLB drafts have already happened. There are no college sports of any kind going on. The US Open in tennis isn’t until September. The British Open in golf didn’t start until Thursday (and Tiger isn’t there to boot). Wednesday is the deadest day of the NASCAR week as they are squarely between races. The US Olympic Trials are over. Arena Football playoffs are only on the weekends. Hell, there weren’t even any Major League Soccer games. The only “sports” we got on Wednesday were two measly WNBA games. Somehow I doubt the Chicago Sky-Detroit Shock 66-63 snoozer led off SportsCenter on Thursday morning.

…But Not As Slow As A WNBA Player

I feel kinda bad for the WNBA. On a day when there were no other professional or collegiate sports of any kind in the entire country, the two WNBA games barely got 10 seconds on SportsCenter. If anything is an indication of how little traction this league has, than that is it. When you get beat out by Bret Favre’s interview with Greta Van Susternenenenen, the Titletown montage of Valdosta, Georgia (seriously?) and a story about the NFL investigating gang sings (seriously), you need to go back to the drawing board. (Psssssst. Candace Parker dunking is not going to do it)

Nuggets Trade Marcus Camby for a Bologna Sandwich

On Tuesday, the Nuggets traded Marcus Camby to the Clippers “for the option to swap second-round picks in 2010.” I know that Denver was trying to unload salary, but good God, talk about a fleecing. Every other team in the league probably slammed their head in the door in frustration after this deal went through. Who would have thought offering a guaranteed second round pick would be a sweeter deal than the Nuggets ended up getting. I bet every Denver fan felt like they quick a quick kick to the nuts. And bravo to the Clippers for rebounding nicely after Elton Brand threw them two fingers and headed for Philly. It makes you wonder what Denver would ask for in a trade for one of their scrubs, much less a solid starter like Camby. We might see something like this in the paper later in the summer: “Nuggets trade Yakhouba Diawara (yes, an actual Nuggets player) for a sweet paper airplane.”

Number of Wahoos in the NBA Doubles After Singletary Signs With Kings

Sadly, this headline is absolutely true. Singletary joins Roger Mason Jr as the only Virginia alums in the league right now. I am really happy for Singletary though, as he can finally relax as he has some guaranteed money coming his way now after all the hard work invested in four tough years in Charlottesville. Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but the league minimum for rookies is $442,114, which is not too shabby at all. Singletary is the number two point guard in Sacramento behind Beno Udrich, so he should be looking at some solid minutes this year, especially considering how bad the Kings are going to be. The other NBA Wahoo, Mason, recently cashed in nicely by signing a two year, $7.5 million dollar deal with the Spurs. Not a bad spot to be in. You know, I’m surprised that the Virginia NBA list has not grown even higher; I mean Pett is available…

Francis Scott Key Rolls Over in His Grave

Did anyone catch Sheryl Crow perform the national anthem before the All Star Game? It was absolutely putrid and a disgrace to this country. Of course she had to come out with her guitar, so she ruined an already terrible vocal rendition of the Star Spangled Banner by plucking random notes (seriously) on her acoustic guitar at the same time. Eminent Ribrary Courts roommate Schling and I thought it couldn’t get worse than 3 Doors Down performing before the Home Run Derby (again, seriously), where they played their “hit” song It’s Not My Time. What an awful song title to play before a Home Run Derby, It’s NOT My Time? Seriously? But then Crow came out and “sang” the national anthem on Tuesday and made a traveshamockey of it. Horrible. This will only make the world hate us more.

Sheryl Crow’s Mom Seen Wandering the Streets of DC

Last weekend on a 95 degree Saturday, Austin and I saw a crazy 65 year old woman wandering the streets of Northwest DC wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, a purple dentist assistants’ vest, a pink bucket hat and aqua socks (yes aqua sucks) walking up and down the sidewalk playing a guitar strapped over her shoulder and singing incomprehensibly. You can’t make this shit up.

Sheryl Crow’s Aunt Seen in Arlington 3 Days Later

Stopped at a red light on the way to work one morning this week, I looked into the lane next to me and saw an old woman open her car door and pour out the remaining half of an MGD beer can. It was 8:30 in the morning. Sheesh.

ESPN to Create New Reality Show Called “The Hills: Phil Mickelson’s Buys a Bra”

You can add Titletown to the growing list of reasons why ESPN is going down the toilet. Its stupidity, pointlessness and annoyance lies somewhere between The Greatest Highlight and Who’s Now, and makes you shake your head in disappointment. Show more highlights! That’s why people watch SportsCenter…to see sports highlights!!! I certainly don’t want to see Wendi Nix talk to Al Kaline for 10 minutes about why Detroit deserves to be named Titletown (seriously, I saw this). It is sad to see such a giant pissing its bread and butter away.

XXXX wins the Gauntlet (aka the British Open)

That shit they are playing over there right now is a completely different sport than golf. It’s survival. The whole point of golf is to walk around a beautiful course for a couple of hours enjoying the beautiful weather and the scenery. It’s not meant to be played in 55 degrees, 15-20 mile per hour winds, 4 foot tall grass and Everest survival gear. I’ve never seen golfers look more miserable in their lives.

NBA to Create New Mid Level Exception for Werewolves

Now that Marc Gasol (Pau’s brother) has signed with the Grizzlies, there are now two smelly Spaniards in the NBA that have no idea when to say ‘enough is enough’ with regards to facial hair. Here are pictures of the two brothers. Be careful not to look after eating a large meal.

Josh Hamilton Cures Cancer…And Did You Know He Has An Amazing Story!

When are broadcasters going to be able to say Josh Hamilton’s name without attaching the obligatory “what a great story he is” to it? 6 months? 1 year? 5? Ever? Everyone in the country already knows that he overcame a crack addiction and Sports Illustrated already ran a great cover story on it. Now it’s just getting super annoying and repetitive. I don’t care what a great story he is when he flies out in the top of the 4th in a June game in Seattle.

I’ll See You In Hell, Costanza

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I hope everyone is enjoying their summer as much as I am and that you will soon buy my sun screen spot miser detector. Until the next time, stay safe, keep it real and get weird.

Bu-Bu-buuwwwwhhhaatttt? Stat of the Week

Who Likes Steroids?

Brett Boone did, that’s who. Before the 2001 season, the diminutive second baseman had enjoyed a solid but not spectacular career as a good fielding shortstop with a decent bat. He was somewhat of a journeyman, playing for Seattle, Cincinnati, Atlanta and San Diego before coming back to the Mariners before said 2001 season. This is a player who had never hit more than 24 home runs or drove in more than 112 RBI in a season and has a career batting average of .266. In other words, nothing special. And then, “magically”, at age 32, Boone reeled off these numbers:

.331 average, 37 home runs, 141 RBI

I hope the face you are making is just as skeptical as the one plastered on my face, the one that should always accompany an unbiased review of Mr. Boone’s numbers. What a joke. This was a 5’10”, 180 pound joker of a second baseman who suddenly started hitting like Mickey Mantle at age 32. Me thinks Boone was juicing like nobody’s business.

Who Likes Steroids Even More?

Brady Anderson, that’s who. Another scrawny (6’1”, 180 lbs), scrappy fielder with a decent bat, Anderson hit between 12 and 24 home runs in a season eight times. This pretty much tells you what kind of threat he was at the plate; effective but not overpowering. Let’s briefly take a look then, at what happened in the year nineteen hundred and ninety six:

50 home runs, 110 RBI (29 more than 2nd best for his career), .297 average (.256 career)

Hilarious. It’s like his whole career was humming along right at sea level when all of a sudden he jumped to Everest for a year and then just as quickly came back down. I bet he got paranoid and was like “Man, I gotta lay off the juice. I’m Brady Anderson. There’s no way people will believe I can hit 50 bombs in a season.” Think of it this way. Anderson hit 23% of his career home runs in one season! 210 over his 15 year career. 50 alone in 1996! Preposterous.

Who Like Steroids The Most?

Well, it’s probably not Luis Gonzalez, but his Looney Tunes stats are still funny to look at. A career .284 hitter, whose second best career home run season was 31, he propelled the Diamondbacks to the 2001 World Series while jamming steroids in his ass between every inning:

.325 average, 57 home runs, 142 RBI

The 142 RBI is also 28 more than second best of his career. Oh, yeah, Gonzo was 34 when he found this little fountain of youth. The only thing funnier than looking at these stats? Knowing that Gonzalez finished 3rd in the National League MVP voting in 2001 behind…Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds. You can’t make this shit up.

Freedom Isn't Free

What’s up yall. Hope everyone had a good time celebrating their freedom this weekend. I sure did as SAE’s from around the country invaded the nation’s capital, and by Sunday morning everyone was strug-a-ling. The Oceanliner would like to send a special shout out to Mr. Joshua Davis Glubiak, who called this weekend to let everyone know of his engagement to Meg. I could not be happier for the pre-newlyweds and am ecstatic for the wedding in Dallas next year. Plus now we have an excuse to take Rubiak to Vegas…

In completely different tone and news, I got a drastic haircut about 2 weeks ago, which has been my norm for a couple of years now: let it get shaggy as hell and then cut it real short. I like to get my money’s worth with haircuts. After this particular butchering, I got a lot of awkward “Did you get a haircut?” questions. I normally get about 13 pounds chopped off my head, so I feel like people can skip the “Did you” question and move straight to the haircut analysis. When people ask “Did you get a haircut?”, I wanted to respond with a deadpan “No.” and see how they reacted. I mean, a stupid question deserves a stupid answer. I would much rather have people lead off with, “Dude, Old, your head looks like a Q-tip now” than the impossibly obvious answer generating “Did you get a haircut?” Moving on.

It got announced a week or two ago, but I’ve got to give my 2 cents on the USA basketball roster for the Beijing Olympics. First of all, they didn’t have any tryouts, which is a huge mistake. Nothing brings out competition and intensity more than an open tryout, which is exactly what a complacent Team USA needs before heading off to Asia to represent our country. Feeling entitled is exactly why we didn’t win gold in 2004. Not having tryouts is just an extension of that.

This is especially troubling given some of the questionable selections made by team VP Jerry Colangelo. Dwayne Wade got shut down by the Heat midway through last season and has not played any meaningful basketball in a long time. He made the team by having an “impressive” private workout with Colangelo. Hmmmm, what would be better than a private workout to gauge the status of a star player coming back from injury? An open tryout! That way the coaching staff could accurately judge how well Wade is doing in his rehab playing against actual players in a pressure situation. Giving Wade a spot has got to create animosity with other players in the league who didn’t get the call.

I also think Wade’s style of play is ill suited for the international game. Half of Wade’s game is getting to the free throw line, and international refs are simply not going to call the petty hand checks and swiped that get called in the NBA. The finesse finger roll drive (aka the D-Wade special) is going to get eaten up by foreign defenders who will be allowed to be physical with a driving opponent.

The fact that Jason Kidd is also on the team is also flabbergasting. Colangelo must not have been following the NBA when Kidd got traded to the Mavs and guided them to an impressive first round playoff exit. An open tryout would prove how much of a lame duck he is now. Chris Paul and Deron Williams are thankfully on the team, but I believe even point guards like Chauncey Billups, Baron Davis and Brandon Roy would be a better fit on the Olympic team than Kidd. Hell, give me Daniel Gibson over Kidd; at least Boobie can shoot the rock. You have got to be able to knock down jumpers in international competition, and Kidd’s current 38% field goal percentage (read: Yikes) last year is just not going to cut it.

Kidd is also a huge defensive liability at this point in his career, which is a big risk. One of the main reasons the US didn’t win gold in Athens is because we couldn’t defend the high pick and roll, and the marksmen foreign shooters killed us with mid range jumpers. Kidd will get rained on all day long out there on defense. Billups, Davis and especially Roy are much better on defense than Kidd. Kidd might dish out a couple more dimes a game, but he bleeds big-time in every other department. An open tryout would expose this flaw and we could correct it early. Oh well.

The only other complaint I had was that Tyson Chandler was left off the team. He is exactly the kind of bruiser we need in the middle. A guy who is on the court to rebound, hustle and play defense. A guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve and will get his teammates fired up. He would also be a perfect fit with Paul on the team, as Chandler has proven to be fairly efficient on offense when working together with CP3. I would have chosen Chandler over frail Chris Bosh, but this is not an egregious omission.

I have heard a lot of criticism for the selection of Tayshaun Prince, but this is one pick I wholeheartedly agree with. Prince is incredibly versatile, unselfish to a fault, and like Chandler loves to hustle and play defense. This is the kind of guy you want to see on your bench when 3 other players have fouled out and Prince can come in and play 3 different positions without being a liability on either end of the court. Great pick here in my opinion. Plus Prince can maybe sucker the opposition into going easy on him with his heroin addict good looks.

In summer doldrum news, Fox Sports signed recently retired Michael Strahan to join their NFL pregame show on Sunday. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s now five people around the table for the Fox Sunday morning show. When will the networks realize that more is not better in terms of broadcasting? Having five people trying to share airtime is such a stupid and inefficient idea, especially considering Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson are on that panel. Whenever you have more than two or three people, the show disintegrates into one-upsmanship and annoying laughter. There should never be more than two people in the booth during a live sporting event and never more than three people hosting a pregame show. College Game Day was perfect when it was just Fowler (the moderator), Herbstreit (the ex-player) and Corso (the ex-coach). Now they have ruined it by bringing in Desmond Howard plus some joker celebrity every week. People are so stupid sometimes.

For those of you, who, like me, are fascinated by the world of college football recruiting, check out this superb article that appeared on SI.com last week about the history of recruiting:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/writers/andy_staples/06/19/recruiting.main/index.html?eref=T1

I was sad that Charles Schwab was one of the title sponsors of the Wimbledon coverage this weekend. Not because I don’t like the company, but because those weird animation ads they run are so freaking stupid. The ones where it is just a person talking, but there is some kind of crazy CGI effect going on. There is absolutely no point of doing that, it looks retarded and I’m sure it cost a lot of money. Why not just show us an actual person talking? I feel like this is one instance where the producers were trying to be trendy and failed miserably. And you know how much I like trendy.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I feel like I need a weekend to recover from the weekend I just had. Oh well, back to work. Until next time friends, stay safe, keep it real and remember where you came from.