So let's get to it.
Mike Patrick continues to ruin sporting events. I watched the majority of the Duke-Wake game on mute, and it was glorious. With 2 minutes left, Austin’s roommate (who went to Duke) walked into the apartment and wanted to listen to the rest of the game. Surely, thought the Oceanliner, Mike Patrick can’t be that bad in only 2 minutes. Silly Oceanliner, Trix are for kids. Sure enough, Patrick continues to be incredulous over the most common aspects of a game. I heard at least 5 “unbelievable”s in those last two minutes, as if Jabba had never seen a team come back from being 7 points down with multiple minutes left. I also caught at least two “are you KIDD-ing me!”. Mike, cmon buddy. They pay you to do this. Surely you can me more original than that.
In a shocking turn of events however, Dick Vitale saved the broadcast. Before Duke’s last possession, Vitale suggested (if somewhat obviously) that Duke should give the ball to Kyle Singler or Gerald Henderson, who had been the entire Duke offense in the second half. Henderson got the ball and tied the game with a sweet 15 footer. Then, before the Wake inbounds play, Vitale said something to the effect of:
“Johnson. They gotta give it to Johnson on the inside. That’s their best chance of winning this game”.
Not second leading scorer in the conference Jeff Teague, not all world freshman Al-Farouq Aminu, but James Johnson. Yet, verily, it came to pass. Duke uncharacteristically blew its set play coverage and Johnson laid it in for the W. Sweet, sweet nectar, though belong to Wake. I am not one to lavish Dicky V, but credit needs to be given where it was due, and he had a hell of an end game. Unfortunately, Mike Patrick never has a good game.
Ever notice how the plots of the Die Hard movies increase in scope with every edition? First Bruce Willis has to rescue an office building, then an airport, then a city, and finally a whole country. If they make a Die Hard 5, Willis might have to save the would from an alien attack. That’s fine with me though. If there’s anyone I want fighting aliens while covered in blood, chain smoking and delivering curse filled insults and rants, it’s lieutenant John McClane. I would ever go so far as to put John McClane in the same level as Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer. We could create a Mt. Rushmore of Hardasses…
Sorry, that last sentence was influenced by the horrendous new feature on SportsCenter called the Mt. Rushmore of Sports. If you haven’t heard about it yet, good. Look away and never watch SportsCenter again. I’m close to never watching it again myself. The Mt. Rushmore of Sports is next in line of terrible ESPN gimmicks in the mold of Who’s Now and the Greatest Highlight. SportsCenter looks more like TMZ now than a highlight show. What’s wrong with showing a 2 minute highlight for every NBA game the night before and actually showing a story develop? That’s what I want to see. Not who Idaho’s Mt. Rushmore of Sports is. Turrible.
That’s all I got. It’s freezing in DC. Out.
January 29, 2009
January 22, 2009
Cold People in Silly Hats
I watched the Inauguration on my roommate’s 52 inch high definition TV, and not on the Mall in 25 degree weather with 2 million of my closest friends. I think I chose wisely. I thought it was a very nice ceremony, but the Oceanliner would like to rename the 2009 Inauguration “Cold People in Silly Hats”. It was astonishing how many people fit the bill for both of these descriptions; by looking both miserably cold while wearing a preposterous hat. And now, I present three short scenes from the Inauguration weekend:
Act I
(Program Coordinator for the We Are One concert approaches Martin Luther King III)
Program Coordinator: Hey Martin, thanks so much for being here on this historic, historic day.
King: It’s my pleasure, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. There’s actually been a slight change of plans. You know how we told you that you would be introducing a band alone? Well, scrap that. To make the star power of this event even greater, we have decided to give you a co-presenter. You will now introduce Mary J Blige with Laura Linney.
MLKIII: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the actress.
MLKIII:*blank stare*
PC: You know, the quirky blond actress who’s oh so cute.
MLKIII: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life. What has she been in?
PC: Oh, she’s been in tons of good stuff. She was in that movie, about the emotional mom…damn I can’t remember the name. Oh, and that show, where she played the quirky blond mom…it’s on the tip of my tongue.
(turns to a techie)
PC: Jim, Jim, quick, name a movie for Martin that Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the blond actress.
Jim: You mean the day time soap opera star?
PC: No, LAURA LINNEY, the acclaimed famous actress.
Jim: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life.
PC: Well, do you have an iPhone at least? Go to IMDB and see what Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Well, let’s see. She was in Congo. That was a doozy. Oh, and the Mothman Prophecies, I remember seeing a trailer for that once…
PC: Frasier! She was in Frasier! Surely you’ve seen Frasier, Martin.
MLKIII: I’m black, why would I ever watch Frasier? That was the whitest show of all time.
PC: Right.
MLKIII: Damn, why do I have to present with this Laura Linney. I see Jamie Fox right over there.
Act II
(Program Coordinator approaches Steve Carell before his introduction at the We Are One concert)
PC: Hey Steve, thanks for being here on this historic, history making day.
Steve Carell: No problem, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. Well, here’s your script for when you go out there and talk about Abraham Lincoln.
(Carell reads his lines)
Carell: Wait, you want me to go out there and just read off quotes that other people said?
PC: Uh, yeah.
Carell: Let me get this straight. You want me, Steve Carell, to go out there are read quotes that other people said, and not offer anything funny, witty or off the cuff sarcastic?
PC: Uhhhhh, that’s right Steve.
Carell: Are you insane? Why would people want to listen to me if I wasn’t trying to be funny? Did you see Dan in Real Life? It was awful!
PC: No, I never caught it. Listen I need you to…
Carell: Dan in Real Life! The director resorted to putting Dane Cook in that movie? Do you know what a desperate move that is?
PC: *hangs head in shame* I know, we almost had to call him for this concert.
Carell: Damnit, oh well. One other thing, why am I presenting with Jamie Foxx? We have nothing in common. Plus I see Laura Linney right over there. Why couldn’t I have presented with her? She so quirky.
Act III
(Program Coordinator for the Inauguration runs up to Aretha Franklin before going out to sing My Country Tis of Thee)
PC: Aretha! Thank God I got to you in time
Franklin: What is it, rube?
PC: So I know you wanted to wear that traditional, normal looking hat that you have on. But I just found this beautiful number from a dude selling hats on the street, and I need you to wear it.
Franklin: That’s the ugliest hat I’ve ever seen.
PC: No! It’s ahead of the curve! You’ve always been a trend setter; this could be your ultimate achievement!
Franklin: But it’s got an enormous bow on it. It’s putrid.
PC: If anyone in the world can pull it off, its you Aretha!
Franklin: How much did you pay for that hat?
PC: Four dollars, but that’s beside the point. Go out there and belt away!
Franklin: OK fine, gimme the damn hat.
PC: *beaming*
End
Watching the Virginia-Maryland basketball game on Tuesday night was a tale of two halves. The first was frustrating and depressing while the second was somewhat encouraging. In the first half, the Hoos showed all of the characteristics that they did when they got blown out by Xavier and Carolina; lots of turnovers, jacking tons off balance threes, poor defensive rebounding and silly fouls. In the first half, the Cavs were 2-13 from beyond the arc, and most of these threes were contested, horrible shots. They turned the ball over 12 times. The defense was horrific, giving up 45 points and allowed the Terps to shoot over 60% from the field. The starting frontcourt of Mike Scott and Asane Sene both picked up two stupid fouls. Leitao sits players who pick up two first half fouls, so we got out muscled by a weaker Maryland team for most of the first half. All in all, it was depressing as hell, losing 45-30 after only a half.
But hey, give Leitao, his staff and the players credit for fighting back in the second half. The team could have easily mailed it in and given up in the final 20 minutes, given that they were down by 15 on the road and playing terribly. But the Hoos responded well. They stopped turning the ball over as much, with only 7 turnovers in the second half. They started penetrating the lane (instead of launching off balance 3’s), where Calvin Baker began to make some runners, and Mike Scott began getting the ball fed to him. After being held to 2 points and 3 boards in the first half, Scott responded in a big way after intermission, pouring in 14 points and grabbing 7 rebounds. Scott is very capable of doing this on a regular basis, but he needs a combination of staying out of foul trouble and people getting him the ball. Dude is a monster on the glass and can create his own opportunities, as he leads the ACC in offensive rebounds per game. Because of this penetration and inside presence, the Virginia guards were able to kick out to open shooters on the perimeter, who were taking open 3’s and not wild, contested ones. Thus in the second half, because of the penetration and inside presence, UVA hit 4 of the 7 treys it took. The Hoos brought the deficit back to 2 before eventually losing by 6. A 15 point halftime deficit is just too hard to overcome.
Gene Wojciechowski is a bigger loser than I thought, and I thought he was a pretty big loser to begin with. This is the man that the Oceanliner lambasted in last week’s post for a column entitled “Book the Eagles for Tampa” in which Wojo said the Cardinals had “not shot” at winning the game and the Eagles were a “lock” for the Super Bowl. I noted that there are no locks in the NFL (especially with a 6 seed playing on the road), and that Gene was over confident. Well, we all know what happened. So somewhat naively I expected Wojciechowski’s next column to owe up to his horrible forecast. But no, his next column covered the AFC Championship, with this lone sentence referring to the NFC counterpart:
“Now the Steelers travel to Tampa, Fla., to face the NFC champion Arizona Cardinals.”
That’s it. That’s all he said about his Philly prediction. What a spineless douchebag. Three days after that, Geney boy wrote a column entitled “Looking back at my 2008 predictions” in the NFL. Surely, thought the Oceanliner, the G-man will own up to his terrible “lock” pick of a week before. Astonishingly, he failed to mention it again. This is the kind of talent ESPN locks up and gives unprecedented access to. It’s not like Sports Illustrated does any better though, as they employ Peter King to “analyze” professional football.
I don’t care about Lance Armstrong anymore. I don’t want coverage of his first race in Australia and the endless talk leading up to the Tour de France. I don’t care if he wins 5 more Tours. I would rather watch endless midsummer baseball highlights than him pedal through the Alps and defend himself against doping allegations. I don’t care about who he’s dating. I’m going to borrow from Dave Chappelle for a moment and tell Lance to stop riding a bike and “Go sell some medicine, bitches!” Does this mean we all have to get out our Live Strong bracelets again? Enough.
P.S. This is the picture ESPN.com ran of Lance when he made his 2009 debut in the Tour of Australia. When did Armstrong become a Sith lord? What a creeper.
So I went to the gym this morning at my office and forgot to pack a belt with my work clothes. I look and feel retarded.
Well, that’s it for this week folks. Enjoy your snowshoeing, Glubiak.
Act I
(Program Coordinator for the We Are One concert approaches Martin Luther King III)
Program Coordinator: Hey Martin, thanks so much for being here on this historic, historic day.
King: It’s my pleasure, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. There’s actually been a slight change of plans. You know how we told you that you would be introducing a band alone? Well, scrap that. To make the star power of this event even greater, we have decided to give you a co-presenter. You will now introduce Mary J Blige with Laura Linney.
MLKIII: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the actress.
MLKIII:*blank stare*
PC: You know, the quirky blond actress who’s oh so cute.
MLKIII: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life. What has she been in?
PC: Oh, she’s been in tons of good stuff. She was in that movie, about the emotional mom…damn I can’t remember the name. Oh, and that show, where she played the quirky blond mom…it’s on the tip of my tongue.
(turns to a techie)
PC: Jim, Jim, quick, name a movie for Martin that Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Who?
PC: Laura Linney, you know, the blond actress.
Jim: You mean the day time soap opera star?
PC: No, LAURA LINNEY, the acclaimed famous actress.
Jim: I’ve never heard of Laura Linney in my life.
PC: Well, do you have an iPhone at least? Go to IMDB and see what Laura Linney has been in.
Jim: Well, let’s see. She was in Congo. That was a doozy. Oh, and the Mothman Prophecies, I remember seeing a trailer for that once…
PC: Frasier! She was in Frasier! Surely you’ve seen Frasier, Martin.
MLKIII: I’m black, why would I ever watch Frasier? That was the whitest show of all time.
PC: Right.
MLKIII: Damn, why do I have to present with this Laura Linney. I see Jamie Fox right over there.
Act II
(Program Coordinator approaches Steve Carell before his introduction at the We Are One concert)
PC: Hey Steve, thanks for being here on this historic, history making day.
Steve Carell: No problem, thanks for having me.
PC: Great. Well, here’s your script for when you go out there and talk about Abraham Lincoln.
(Carell reads his lines)
Carell: Wait, you want me to go out there and just read off quotes that other people said?
PC: Uh, yeah.
Carell: Let me get this straight. You want me, Steve Carell, to go out there are read quotes that other people said, and not offer anything funny, witty or off the cuff sarcastic?
PC: Uhhhhh, that’s right Steve.
Carell: Are you insane? Why would people want to listen to me if I wasn’t trying to be funny? Did you see Dan in Real Life? It was awful!
PC: No, I never caught it. Listen I need you to…
Carell: Dan in Real Life! The director resorted to putting Dane Cook in that movie? Do you know what a desperate move that is?
PC: *hangs head in shame* I know, we almost had to call him for this concert.
Carell: Damnit, oh well. One other thing, why am I presenting with Jamie Foxx? We have nothing in common. Plus I see Laura Linney right over there. Why couldn’t I have presented with her? She so quirky.
Act III
(Program Coordinator for the Inauguration runs up to Aretha Franklin before going out to sing My Country Tis of Thee)
PC: Aretha! Thank God I got to you in time
Franklin: What is it, rube?
PC: So I know you wanted to wear that traditional, normal looking hat that you have on. But I just found this beautiful number from a dude selling hats on the street, and I need you to wear it.
Franklin: That’s the ugliest hat I’ve ever seen.
PC: No! It’s ahead of the curve! You’ve always been a trend setter; this could be your ultimate achievement!
Franklin: But it’s got an enormous bow on it. It’s putrid.
PC: If anyone in the world can pull it off, its you Aretha!
Franklin: How much did you pay for that hat?
PC: Four dollars, but that’s beside the point. Go out there and belt away!
Franklin: OK fine, gimme the damn hat.
PC: *beaming*
End Watching the Virginia-Maryland basketball game on Tuesday night was a tale of two halves. The first was frustrating and depressing while the second was somewhat encouraging. In the first half, the Hoos showed all of the characteristics that they did when they got blown out by Xavier and Carolina; lots of turnovers, jacking tons off balance threes, poor defensive rebounding and silly fouls. In the first half, the Cavs were 2-13 from beyond the arc, and most of these threes were contested, horrible shots. They turned the ball over 12 times. The defense was horrific, giving up 45 points and allowed the Terps to shoot over 60% from the field. The starting frontcourt of Mike Scott and Asane Sene both picked up two stupid fouls. Leitao sits players who pick up two first half fouls, so we got out muscled by a weaker Maryland team for most of the first half. All in all, it was depressing as hell, losing 45-30 after only a half.
But hey, give Leitao, his staff and the players credit for fighting back in the second half. The team could have easily mailed it in and given up in the final 20 minutes, given that they were down by 15 on the road and playing terribly. But the Hoos responded well. They stopped turning the ball over as much, with only 7 turnovers in the second half. They started penetrating the lane (instead of launching off balance 3’s), where Calvin Baker began to make some runners, and Mike Scott began getting the ball fed to him. After being held to 2 points and 3 boards in the first half, Scott responded in a big way after intermission, pouring in 14 points and grabbing 7 rebounds. Scott is very capable of doing this on a regular basis, but he needs a combination of staying out of foul trouble and people getting him the ball. Dude is a monster on the glass and can create his own opportunities, as he leads the ACC in offensive rebounds per game. Because of this penetration and inside presence, the Virginia guards were able to kick out to open shooters on the perimeter, who were taking open 3’s and not wild, contested ones. Thus in the second half, because of the penetration and inside presence, UVA hit 4 of the 7 treys it took. The Hoos brought the deficit back to 2 before eventually losing by 6. A 15 point halftime deficit is just too hard to overcome.
Gene Wojciechowski is a bigger loser than I thought, and I thought he was a pretty big loser to begin with. This is the man that the Oceanliner lambasted in last week’s post for a column entitled “Book the Eagles for Tampa” in which Wojo said the Cardinals had “not shot” at winning the game and the Eagles were a “lock” for the Super Bowl. I noted that there are no locks in the NFL (especially with a 6 seed playing on the road), and that Gene was over confident. Well, we all know what happened. So somewhat naively I expected Wojciechowski’s next column to owe up to his horrible forecast. But no, his next column covered the AFC Championship, with this lone sentence referring to the NFC counterpart:
“Now the Steelers travel to Tampa, Fla., to face the NFC champion Arizona Cardinals.”
That’s it. That’s all he said about his Philly prediction. What a spineless douchebag. Three days after that, Geney boy wrote a column entitled “Looking back at my 2008 predictions” in the NFL. Surely, thought the Oceanliner, the G-man will own up to his terrible “lock” pick of a week before. Astonishingly, he failed to mention it again. This is the kind of talent ESPN locks up and gives unprecedented access to. It’s not like Sports Illustrated does any better though, as they employ Peter King to “analyze” professional football.
I don’t care about Lance Armstrong anymore. I don’t want coverage of his first race in Australia and the endless talk leading up to the Tour de France. I don’t care if he wins 5 more Tours. I would rather watch endless midsummer baseball highlights than him pedal through the Alps and defend himself against doping allegations. I don’t care about who he’s dating. I’m going to borrow from Dave Chappelle for a moment and tell Lance to stop riding a bike and “Go sell some medicine, bitches!” Does this mean we all have to get out our Live Strong bracelets again? Enough.
P.S. This is the picture ESPN.com ran of Lance when he made his 2009 debut in the Tour of Australia. When did Armstrong become a Sith lord? What a creeper.
So I went to the gym this morning at my office and forgot to pack a belt with my work clothes. I look and feel retarded.Well, that’s it for this week folks. Enjoy your snowshoeing, Glubiak.
January 14, 2009
People
Well folks, it’s that time again. Time to unveil the strangest, stupidest and most perplexing bumper sticker and vanity plates that I have seen over the past half year. Yes, it’s this kind of hard hitting journalism that keeps bringing people back to the Oceanliner.
A couple sports related thoughts before we get to the important stuff:
Oceanliner Man of the Year nominee Peter King over at Sports Illustrated is at it again. With four teams remaining in the NFL playoffs, King inexplicably continues to rank the “Fine Fifteen” teams in the league in his opinion. You would think at this point the top four teams would be fairly obvious, you know, the four teams remaining in the playoffs. But no, Petey has ranked a team that did not even make the playoffs (Patriots at 5th) ahead of the team that is hosting the NFC Championship game (Cardinals at 7th). While you are trying to wrap your head around that one, consider this: King has New England ranked one spot higher than he did last week, even though they missed the playoffs and haven’t played a game since December 28th! Ladies and gentlemen, Peter King!
The Oceanliner would like to present this short scene of an actual conversation between myself and Glubiak:
Glubiak: Well, I have to get to class.
Me: Don’t Freeze.
Glubiak: Today is a 5 layer day.
Ladies and gentlemen, Vermont!
Seemingly written with the Peter King school of thought in mind, Gene Wojociechowski posted a front page epsn.com article on Monday declaring that the Eagles were a “lock” to beat the Cardinals on Sunday, that Arizona had “no shot” and that Eagles fans could start booking their plane tickets to Tampa. This is the same Eagles team that tied 4-win Cincinnati. The same Eagles team that twice lost to the Redskins. The same Eagles team who’s starting running back is averaging 1.9 yards per carry in the playoffs…on 38 carries. The same Eagles team that had not one, but two players throw the ball away on the 1-yard line before almost scoring untouched touchdowns in the regular season. The same Eagles team that has Andy Reid as a head coach. Nothing is a lock in the NFL. The teams are too good and the talent across the league is too even for anything to be a lock. When Florida hosts Chattanooga in college football, that is a lock. When a 9-6-1 team goes on the road for a Conference Championship Game, it is not a lock. In the NFL, nothing is a lock (see Panthers, Carolina hosting the Arizona Cardinals).
Last sports note: Here is an excellent article by the Ombudsman for ESPN on why it’s bad when ESPN makes itself the story instead of just covering an event. It’s nice to see that at least someone there can see what’s going on, even if it is her job to criticize her own employer. This is not the first time I’ve linked to her either, she does a good job.
Ok, back to the important stuff. Without further ado, here are your 2nd1/2’08DCMABSAS! (2nd half 2008 D.C. Metro Area Bumper Sticker All Stars)
All Yield to the Princess
This sticker is so corny and so stupid that it made me shiver wit awkwardness when I saw it. Go have another Twinkie, princess.
My Jack Russell Terrier is Smarter than Your Honor Roll Student
Embarrassingly stupid.
Got Triathlon?
Stupid. You can’t “have” triathlon. Does Michael Phelps have a sticker on his car that says “Got 400 meter freestyle?” Actually, he probably does.
War is Not the Answer, Trees are the Answer
I don’t know what to say.
Play More Violin
Although strange, at least this one is clear and unambiguous
18-1
The fact that someone put in the money to buy the sticker, the effort to put in on their car and the acceptance of a permanent bumper sticker just to make fun of the Patriots, when it clearly isn’t their favorite team, is impressive.
Armed Liberal
This sticker had two crossing guns between the two words. Interesting how specific this guy gets in his own description.
Tex-Ass
Again, similar to the 18-1 sticker, going to such efforts not to highlight your state but put down someone else’s…hilarious.
The only difference between Obama and Osama is a little BS
Gotta love it.
II1II1I
This was a vanity plate on a black Chrysler sedan. Is there any question that this guy was on his way to commit a crime? I’m not even sure I got the plate right; it was just full of ones and letter I’s. This was my favorite one of all.
Well folks, there are your top 10 for the second half of 2008. As always, I would love to hear about good ones yall have seen in the field.
I leave you this week with a list Internet searches that were used to find this here blog. In case you missed the last one, I use Google Analytics to monitor my site, and if someone uses a search engine to find my site, it tells me what they searched for. Some of the search results that come up are astounding. This is 100% true, because well, it would be impossible to make this stuff up. Enjoy
Actual Google Searches That People Entered and Somehow Ended up on the Oceanliner (my comments are in parentheses and were not part of the search)
sheryl crow ruined national anthem
deez nuts clothing
nba volleyball (I’m glad I’m not the only one dreaming about this)
sheryl crow putrid (ouch)
john mccain jabba the hut
brazilianfartfetishporn.com
nba volleyball players (success)
where do mlb players get hemp necklaces
vince carter volleyball (we are going to start a revolution)
how toilets work on an ocean liner (this guy has way too much free time)
how fast can an oceanliner make a u turn (ditto)
which way would you go if you went to India by oceanliner (speechless)
how many lifeboats are needed exactly on an ocean liner (who knew so many people were interested in the inner working of an oceanliner)
i am looking for a wedding dress that i saw on an oceanliner (now that’s sad)
movies catfight clothes torn embarrassed
is jabba the hut a good guy
peter king coffee
short sleeve button downs
funny superman and black guy joke
save by zero commercial being pulled
lebron volleyball (he’d be the best player ever)
dwight howard volleyball (I recant my statement, it would be a good battle)
allen iverson volleyball
nba players playing volleyball (Yes we can!)
brett farve interception compulation (I’m not the only one looking for it)
if you were standing in a frozen tundra where would you be standing? (a confused young man)
“rest area” gay (I’ve got nothing)
hilarious alcohol related stories
black guys and jorts
burritos tossed at wizards stadium
mid air tea bag dunk
The Top 5
mike ditka brett favre joke car wreck (I would LOVE to hear this joke)
history of tea bagging in games (did someone think they were actually going to find an archive of this)
extra extra read all about it deez nutz (I’m at a loss for words)
bitches deez days always after ur money (truer words have never been spoken…)
are sales down at brett favre’s steakhouse? (I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep if I don’t find out)
Goodnight folks, goodnight moon.
A couple sports related thoughts before we get to the important stuff:
Oceanliner Man of the Year nominee Peter King over at Sports Illustrated is at it again. With four teams remaining in the NFL playoffs, King inexplicably continues to rank the “Fine Fifteen” teams in the league in his opinion. You would think at this point the top four teams would be fairly obvious, you know, the four teams remaining in the playoffs. But no, Petey has ranked a team that did not even make the playoffs (Patriots at 5th) ahead of the team that is hosting the NFC Championship game (Cardinals at 7th). While you are trying to wrap your head around that one, consider this: King has New England ranked one spot higher than he did last week, even though they missed the playoffs and haven’t played a game since December 28th! Ladies and gentlemen, Peter King!
The Oceanliner would like to present this short scene of an actual conversation between myself and Glubiak:
Glubiak: Well, I have to get to class.
Me: Don’t Freeze.
Glubiak: Today is a 5 layer day.
Ladies and gentlemen, Vermont!
Seemingly written with the Peter King school of thought in mind, Gene Wojociechowski posted a front page epsn.com article on Monday declaring that the Eagles were a “lock” to beat the Cardinals on Sunday, that Arizona had “no shot” and that Eagles fans could start booking their plane tickets to Tampa. This is the same Eagles team that tied 4-win Cincinnati. The same Eagles team that twice lost to the Redskins. The same Eagles team who’s starting running back is averaging 1.9 yards per carry in the playoffs…on 38 carries. The same Eagles team that had not one, but two players throw the ball away on the 1-yard line before almost scoring untouched touchdowns in the regular season. The same Eagles team that has Andy Reid as a head coach. Nothing is a lock in the NFL. The teams are too good and the talent across the league is too even for anything to be a lock. When Florida hosts Chattanooga in college football, that is a lock. When a 9-6-1 team goes on the road for a Conference Championship Game, it is not a lock. In the NFL, nothing is a lock (see Panthers, Carolina hosting the Arizona Cardinals).
Last sports note: Here is an excellent article by the Ombudsman for ESPN on why it’s bad when ESPN makes itself the story instead of just covering an event. It’s nice to see that at least someone there can see what’s going on, even if it is her job to criticize her own employer. This is not the first time I’ve linked to her either, she does a good job.
Ok, back to the important stuff. Without further ado, here are your 2nd1/2’08DCMABSAS! (2nd half 2008 D.C. Metro Area Bumper Sticker All Stars)
All Yield to the Princess
This sticker is so corny and so stupid that it made me shiver wit awkwardness when I saw it. Go have another Twinkie, princess.
My Jack Russell Terrier is Smarter than Your Honor Roll Student
Embarrassingly stupid.
Got Triathlon?
Stupid. You can’t “have” triathlon. Does Michael Phelps have a sticker on his car that says “Got 400 meter freestyle?” Actually, he probably does.
War is Not the Answer, Trees are the Answer
I don’t know what to say.
Play More Violin
Although strange, at least this one is clear and unambiguous
18-1
The fact that someone put in the money to buy the sticker, the effort to put in on their car and the acceptance of a permanent bumper sticker just to make fun of the Patriots, when it clearly isn’t their favorite team, is impressive.
Armed Liberal
This sticker had two crossing guns between the two words. Interesting how specific this guy gets in his own description.
Tex-Ass
Again, similar to the 18-1 sticker, going to such efforts not to highlight your state but put down someone else’s…hilarious.
The only difference between Obama and Osama is a little BS
Gotta love it.
II1II1I
This was a vanity plate on a black Chrysler sedan. Is there any question that this guy was on his way to commit a crime? I’m not even sure I got the plate right; it was just full of ones and letter I’s. This was my favorite one of all.
Well folks, there are your top 10 for the second half of 2008. As always, I would love to hear about good ones yall have seen in the field.
I leave you this week with a list Internet searches that were used to find this here blog. In case you missed the last one, I use Google Analytics to monitor my site, and if someone uses a search engine to find my site, it tells me what they searched for. Some of the search results that come up are astounding. This is 100% true, because well, it would be impossible to make this stuff up. Enjoy
Actual Google Searches That People Entered and Somehow Ended up on the Oceanliner (my comments are in parentheses and were not part of the search)
sheryl crow ruined national anthem
deez nuts clothing
nba volleyball (I’m glad I’m not the only one dreaming about this)
sheryl crow putrid (ouch)
john mccain jabba the hut
brazilianfartfetishporn.com
nba volleyball players (success)
where do mlb players get hemp necklaces
vince carter volleyball (we are going to start a revolution)
how toilets work on an ocean liner (this guy has way too much free time)
how fast can an oceanliner make a u turn (ditto)
which way would you go if you went to India by oceanliner (speechless)
how many lifeboats are needed exactly on an ocean liner (who knew so many people were interested in the inner working of an oceanliner)
i am looking for a wedding dress that i saw on an oceanliner (now that’s sad)
movies catfight clothes torn embarrassed
is jabba the hut a good guy
peter king coffee
short sleeve button downs
funny superman and black guy joke
save by zero commercial being pulled
lebron volleyball (he’d be the best player ever)
dwight howard volleyball (I recant my statement, it would be a good battle)
allen iverson volleyball
nba players playing volleyball (Yes we can!)
brett farve interception compulation (I’m not the only one looking for it)
if you were standing in a frozen tundra where would you be standing? (a confused young man)
“rest area” gay (I’ve got nothing)
hilarious alcohol related stories
black guys and jorts
burritos tossed at wizards stadium
mid air tea bag dunk
The Top 5
mike ditka brett favre joke car wreck (I would LOVE to hear this joke)
history of tea bagging in games (did someone think they were actually going to find an archive of this)
extra extra read all about it deez nutz (I’m at a loss for words)
bitches deez days always after ur money (truer words have never been spoken…)
are sales down at brett favre’s steakhouse? (I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep if I don’t find out)
Goodnight folks, goodnight moon.
January 07, 2009
85 Kinds of Nasty
There is terrible weather here in the District right now: mid 30’s and rain. As I trudged through this muck this morning I thought to myself, “Man, this weather is 85 kinds of nasty”. Then I thought to myself, “I should call this week’s column 85 Kinds of Nasty”. So here you go.
1: No 2008 recap or 2009 preview here at the Oceanliner. You think a site devoted to random thoughts about sports and life could synthesize a post about an entire year? As Kevin McAlister of Home Alone would say with a contorted facial expression, “IIIII don’t think so”.
6: Note to future bloggers attempting to mail in a column: If you skip numbers, you don’t have to come up with a full 85 ideas for a post called “85 Kinds of Nasty”.
8: While the Oceanliner may not be, Chris Paul is certifiably 85 kinds of nasty. The most recent evidence: CP3 is tied for first in the NBA in double doubles. This is insane for a point guard. To put this into perspective, the next highest guard in the double double rankings is Deron Williams…in a tie for 18th. In fact, Paul and Williams are the only guards in the top 30 players in terms of double doubles for the season. And Paul is tied for first. Filthy. Oh yeah, CP3 also has 3 triple doubles on the year, which leads the league and is 2 more than anyone else.
9: Interestingly, Chris Duhon of your New Your Knicks is 3rd in the NBA among guards in double doubles. Yes, this is the same Duhon who gayed it up at Duke for seemingly 6 years. He seems to be doing quite well in Mike D’Antoni’s run and gun system. One thing padding Duhon’s stats a little is the fact that he is second in the NBA in minutes per game, playing an astonishing 39.8 minutes per contest. Who would have thought?
12: Also somewhat surprising is that King James only has 7 double doubles in 33 games. This is somewhat misleading, as Bron Bron is averaging over 6 assists and 6 rebounds per game. I couldn’t find this stat, but LBJ probably leads the league in 32 point, 9 assist, 8 rebound, 5 block, 4 steal, and 3 pride obliterating dunk games.
13: Yes, I just stole a line from Aqua Teen.
14: Back to LeBron for a second. One telling sign of the Cavs awesome 27-6 start may be that they are getting it done as a team, not just watching the King play. LeBron is way down at 30th in the NBA in minutes per game, but Cleveland has been steamrolling. In the past 3 seasons, LBJ was 3rd, 3rd and 2nd in minutes played per game in the NBA, playing over 40 minutes a game in all 3 seasons. Now he is down to 36 minutes per game, but is getting fantastic support from the emerging Daniel Gibson, Delonte West, Big Z, Wally Szczerbiak, tough Anderson Varejao and especially off-season acquisition Mo Williams. Williams is averaging 15 points, 4 dimes and 3 boards and is a supreme ball handler when James is out. If the Cavs continue to play with LBJ instead of watching him, they could be scary in June.
26: The different cup sizes in one National Airport coffee shop were tall, grande and ultimo. How ridiculous would you sound if you went up to the counter and said, “Yes, I’ll have an ultimo coffee please”. About as ridiculous as if you ordered a venti coffee. Which is why I still refuse to use the Starbucks drink size terminology (I always ask for a medium), even though I know that they know that I know what the sizes are called.
26b: I saw 3 different Starbucks in the Charlotte airport, and I wasn’t even there for that long.
37: Jose Calderon of the Raptors has made all 72 of his free throw attempts this year. Very impressive.
38: Unimpressively and unsurprisingly, Rasheed Wallace leads the NBA in technical fouls, just ahead of brawler and gun waver Stephen Jackson. Over the past 8 seasons, Wallace has ranked 3rd, 1st, 1st, 1st, 2nd, 13th, 1st and 1st in technical fouls, including an astounding 41 T’s in 2000-20001. He only played 77 games that year, so you could count on Sheed getting T’d up every other game. Dean Smith would not be happy.
41: We are going to start talking about football now.
42: But not before an amusing anecdote about my ski trip in Colorado.
45: One day I got onto a lift with three heady looking snowboarders. About halfway up the mountain one of the guys pulled out a sack of weed and a little one hitter. Apparently I don’t look like a DEA agent.
54: Football now, for real this time.
56: Peter King bashing time. King continued to rank his Fine Fifteen teams in this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback column, even though there are only 8 teams left in the playoffs. Thanks Pete, thanks for ranking the teams that are no longer alive. Even more preposterously, King ranked teams that are no longer in the tourney ahead of teams that are still in. He’s got the Colts at number 8, ahead of two teams that are still in the playoffs in Philly and Arizona. If you are already shaking your head in incredulity, you may not want to read the next sentence. Not only does he have the previous mind blower, he has a team that didn’t even make the playoffs (the Patriots) as the 6th best team in the league! King “ranks” the Pats ahead of those two teams that are still in the playoffs, plus the four teams that made the tourney but got eliminated (Falcons, Dolphins, Vikings and Colts). If you are wondering how he gets paid to do this, join the club.
56b: King bashing continues. The Loser said this about the Giants. “I think if the Yankees fired Joe Girardi tomorrow, the Steinbrenners would want to interview Steve Spagnuolo”. Note: Steve Spagnuolo is the Giants defensive coordinator, not a baseball coach. And if this was supposed to be a joke, King is a worse comedian that football writer.
59: I don’t have nearly enough amusing anecdotes in this post. My break was that amazing and relaxing.
60: I'm in impressed by Michael Phelps's swimming skills like a lot of people, and I think SI made a good choice in annointing him Sportsman of the Year. But some people are taking it a little bit too far with their praise. Like Jason Read, a US Olympic rower who had this to say in a letter to Sports Illustrated;
"Your selection of Michael Phelps as Sportsman of the Year is an excellent one. He is inspiring not only to billions worldwide but also to all of us on the Olympic team. That he is the greatest Olympian ever is indisputable. Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime".
Dude, Jason, you can get off your knees now. What Phelps did is impressive, but I'm not inspired by him. I doubt the dude is inspiring billions of people, that would be more than 20% of the world. And what does that last sentence even mean, "Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime"? Get outta here. The dude can swim across a pool extremely fast. Other than that, he can look awkward really well.
62: The Giants had one of the more spectacular rushing seasons I can remember, even slightly more impressive even than the Panthers 2 headed monster of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. The G-Men had two running backs go over 1,000 and each average 5 yards per carry or better in Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward. Ward won the league YPC title over Williams 5.6 to 5.5. The Giants as a team averaged 5.01 yards per carry…for the season. This was slightly better than Carolina at 4.8. Not only did the Giants blow people away on the ground, they didn’t give the ball up either. The Giants only lost 2 fumbles on rushing attempts the whole season, best in the league. (Note: Part of fumble recoveries is luck, and the Giants did get lucky in recovering their own fumbles. They fumbled 14 times while running (still goof for 7th in the NFL), but recovered 12 of them. The Panthers, on the other hand, only fumbled 11 times, but lost 7 of them)
63: LaDanian Tomlinson had one of the best seasons ever for a player who is “washed up”. Dude still ran for 1110 yards and 11 touchdowns. The telling stat that he is on the decline though was his 3.8 yards per carry, good for 41st in the NFL. When a back’s average dips below 4, you should start selling.
64: LT has had one of the most spectacularly consistent and amazing careers that a running back has ever had. In 8 seasons he has rushed for 1236, 1683, 1645, 1335, 1462, 1815, 1474, and 1110 yards. He has never had less than 367 receiving yards in a season. He has run and caught 141 touchdowns, and has even thrown for seven more. He has averaged 122 yards and over a touchdown per game in his career. He is second in career rushing touchdowns, and tied for 4th in total career touchdowns (excluding quarterbacks). You can count on him playing too; he’s only missed one regular season game in 8 years. What a stud.
65: Here are some surprising stats when glancing through the NFL annals.
66: Edgerrin James is 11th all time in the NFL in rushing yards, and 18th in career rushing TD’s. If you just looked at stats, he’s a Hall of Famer.
67: Fred Taylor is 16th. For a guy who is most famous for being injured, that’s pretty damn impressive.
68: Warrick Dunn is 19th. For someone listed at 5’9”, that’s pretty damn impressive.
69: 69, he he.
70: Terrell Owens is the person tied with LT for 4th on the career touchdown list, 5 TD’s ahead of Randy Moss.
71: Shaun Alexander has the 7th most rushing touchdowns in NFL history.
72: Lions kicker Jason Hanson went 8 for 8 this year on field goals of over 50 yards.
73: Donnie Jones, the St. Louis punter, averaged 50 yards a kick for the season.
74: If you have a good year on special teams for horrific franchises, it doesn’t make you feel any better.
75: Calvin Johnson caught 78 balls for 1331 yards (5th in the NFL) and 12 touchdowns (T-1st) yet didn’t make the Pro Bowl. Welcome to Detroit!
79: Tony Gonzalez is 9th on the all-time receptions list.
81: Brett Favre led the NFL in interceptions this year with 22 and his team missed the playoffs, but he somehow made the Pro Bowl.
82: Favre has thrown at least 20 picks 6 times in his career.
83: I hate Brett Favre.
84: I hate Brett Favre.
85: Well folks, there you have it, 85 kinds of nasty, or at least random stats I found interesting. Everyone should refer to Chris Paul as 85 Kinds of Nasty and give me all the credit. Happy 2009 friends. Keep it real.
1: No 2008 recap or 2009 preview here at the Oceanliner. You think a site devoted to random thoughts about sports and life could synthesize a post about an entire year? As Kevin McAlister of Home Alone would say with a contorted facial expression, “IIIII don’t think so”.
6: Note to future bloggers attempting to mail in a column: If you skip numbers, you don’t have to come up with a full 85 ideas for a post called “85 Kinds of Nasty”.
8: While the Oceanliner may not be, Chris Paul is certifiably 85 kinds of nasty. The most recent evidence: CP3 is tied for first in the NBA in double doubles. This is insane for a point guard. To put this into perspective, the next highest guard in the double double rankings is Deron Williams…in a tie for 18th. In fact, Paul and Williams are the only guards in the top 30 players in terms of double doubles for the season. And Paul is tied for first. Filthy. Oh yeah, CP3 also has 3 triple doubles on the year, which leads the league and is 2 more than anyone else.
9: Interestingly, Chris Duhon of your New Your Knicks is 3rd in the NBA among guards in double doubles. Yes, this is the same Duhon who gayed it up at Duke for seemingly 6 years. He seems to be doing quite well in Mike D’Antoni’s run and gun system. One thing padding Duhon’s stats a little is the fact that he is second in the NBA in minutes per game, playing an astonishing 39.8 minutes per contest. Who would have thought?
12: Also somewhat surprising is that King James only has 7 double doubles in 33 games. This is somewhat misleading, as Bron Bron is averaging over 6 assists and 6 rebounds per game. I couldn’t find this stat, but LBJ probably leads the league in 32 point, 9 assist, 8 rebound, 5 block, 4 steal, and 3 pride obliterating dunk games.
13: Yes, I just stole a line from Aqua Teen.
14: Back to LeBron for a second. One telling sign of the Cavs awesome 27-6 start may be that they are getting it done as a team, not just watching the King play. LeBron is way down at 30th in the NBA in minutes per game, but Cleveland has been steamrolling. In the past 3 seasons, LBJ was 3rd, 3rd and 2nd in minutes played per game in the NBA, playing over 40 minutes a game in all 3 seasons. Now he is down to 36 minutes per game, but is getting fantastic support from the emerging Daniel Gibson, Delonte West, Big Z, Wally Szczerbiak, tough Anderson Varejao and especially off-season acquisition Mo Williams. Williams is averaging 15 points, 4 dimes and 3 boards and is a supreme ball handler when James is out. If the Cavs continue to play with LBJ instead of watching him, they could be scary in June.
26: The different cup sizes in one National Airport coffee shop were tall, grande and ultimo. How ridiculous would you sound if you went up to the counter and said, “Yes, I’ll have an ultimo coffee please”. About as ridiculous as if you ordered a venti coffee. Which is why I still refuse to use the Starbucks drink size terminology (I always ask for a medium), even though I know that they know that I know what the sizes are called.
26b: I saw 3 different Starbucks in the Charlotte airport, and I wasn’t even there for that long.
37: Jose Calderon of the Raptors has made all 72 of his free throw attempts this year. Very impressive.
38: Unimpressively and unsurprisingly, Rasheed Wallace leads the NBA in technical fouls, just ahead of brawler and gun waver Stephen Jackson. Over the past 8 seasons, Wallace has ranked 3rd, 1st, 1st, 1st, 2nd, 13th, 1st and 1st in technical fouls, including an astounding 41 T’s in 2000-20001. He only played 77 games that year, so you could count on Sheed getting T’d up every other game. Dean Smith would not be happy.
41: We are going to start talking about football now.
42: But not before an amusing anecdote about my ski trip in Colorado.
45: One day I got onto a lift with three heady looking snowboarders. About halfway up the mountain one of the guys pulled out a sack of weed and a little one hitter. Apparently I don’t look like a DEA agent.
54: Football now, for real this time.
56: Peter King bashing time. King continued to rank his Fine Fifteen teams in this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback column, even though there are only 8 teams left in the playoffs. Thanks Pete, thanks for ranking the teams that are no longer alive. Even more preposterously, King ranked teams that are no longer in the tourney ahead of teams that are still in. He’s got the Colts at number 8, ahead of two teams that are still in the playoffs in Philly and Arizona. If you are already shaking your head in incredulity, you may not want to read the next sentence. Not only does he have the previous mind blower, he has a team that didn’t even make the playoffs (the Patriots) as the 6th best team in the league! King “ranks” the Pats ahead of those two teams that are still in the playoffs, plus the four teams that made the tourney but got eliminated (Falcons, Dolphins, Vikings and Colts). If you are wondering how he gets paid to do this, join the club.
56b: King bashing continues. The Loser said this about the Giants. “I think if the Yankees fired Joe Girardi tomorrow, the Steinbrenners would want to interview Steve Spagnuolo”. Note: Steve Spagnuolo is the Giants defensive coordinator, not a baseball coach. And if this was supposed to be a joke, King is a worse comedian that football writer.
59: I don’t have nearly enough amusing anecdotes in this post. My break was that amazing and relaxing.
60: I'm in impressed by Michael Phelps's swimming skills like a lot of people, and I think SI made a good choice in annointing him Sportsman of the Year. But some people are taking it a little bit too far with their praise. Like Jason Read, a US Olympic rower who had this to say in a letter to Sports Illustrated;
"Your selection of Michael Phelps as Sportsman of the Year is an excellent one. He is inspiring not only to billions worldwide but also to all of us on the Olympic team. That he is the greatest Olympian ever is indisputable. Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime".
Dude, Jason, you can get off your knees now. What Phelps did is impressive, but I'm not inspired by him. I doubt the dude is inspiring billions of people, that would be more than 20% of the world. And what does that last sentence even mean, "Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime"? Get outta here. The dude can swim across a pool extremely fast. Other than that, he can look awkward really well.
62: The Giants had one of the more spectacular rushing seasons I can remember, even slightly more impressive even than the Panthers 2 headed monster of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. The G-Men had two running backs go over 1,000 and each average 5 yards per carry or better in Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward. Ward won the league YPC title over Williams 5.6 to 5.5. The Giants as a team averaged 5.01 yards per carry…for the season. This was slightly better than Carolina at 4.8. Not only did the Giants blow people away on the ground, they didn’t give the ball up either. The Giants only lost 2 fumbles on rushing attempts the whole season, best in the league. (Note: Part of fumble recoveries is luck, and the Giants did get lucky in recovering their own fumbles. They fumbled 14 times while running (still goof for 7th in the NFL), but recovered 12 of them. The Panthers, on the other hand, only fumbled 11 times, but lost 7 of them)
63: LaDanian Tomlinson had one of the best seasons ever for a player who is “washed up”. Dude still ran for 1110 yards and 11 touchdowns. The telling stat that he is on the decline though was his 3.8 yards per carry, good for 41st in the NFL. When a back’s average dips below 4, you should start selling.
64: LT has had one of the most spectacularly consistent and amazing careers that a running back has ever had. In 8 seasons he has rushed for 1236, 1683, 1645, 1335, 1462, 1815, 1474, and 1110 yards. He has never had less than 367 receiving yards in a season. He has run and caught 141 touchdowns, and has even thrown for seven more. He has averaged 122 yards and over a touchdown per game in his career. He is second in career rushing touchdowns, and tied for 4th in total career touchdowns (excluding quarterbacks). You can count on him playing too; he’s only missed one regular season game in 8 years. What a stud.
65: Here are some surprising stats when glancing through the NFL annals.
66: Edgerrin James is 11th all time in the NFL in rushing yards, and 18th in career rushing TD’s. If you just looked at stats, he’s a Hall of Famer.
67: Fred Taylor is 16th. For a guy who is most famous for being injured, that’s pretty damn impressive.
68: Warrick Dunn is 19th. For someone listed at 5’9”, that’s pretty damn impressive.
69: 69, he he.
70: Terrell Owens is the person tied with LT for 4th on the career touchdown list, 5 TD’s ahead of Randy Moss.
71: Shaun Alexander has the 7th most rushing touchdowns in NFL history.
72: Lions kicker Jason Hanson went 8 for 8 this year on field goals of over 50 yards.
73: Donnie Jones, the St. Louis punter, averaged 50 yards a kick for the season.
74: If you have a good year on special teams for horrific franchises, it doesn’t make you feel any better.
75: Calvin Johnson caught 78 balls for 1331 yards (5th in the NFL) and 12 touchdowns (T-1st) yet didn’t make the Pro Bowl. Welcome to Detroit!
79: Tony Gonzalez is 9th on the all-time receptions list.
81: Brett Favre led the NFL in interceptions this year with 22 and his team missed the playoffs, but he somehow made the Pro Bowl.
82: Favre has thrown at least 20 picks 6 times in his career.
83: I hate Brett Favre.
84: I hate Brett Favre.
85: Well folks, there you have it, 85 kinds of nasty, or at least random stats I found interesting. Everyone should refer to Chris Paul as 85 Kinds of Nasty and give me all the credit. Happy 2009 friends. Keep it real.
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