O'Tasty

There are many foods in this world that go very naturally together. Peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs and cookies and milk, just to name a very unoriginal few. Chinese food and spare ribs is not one of those bread and butter combinations. (HAHAHA, you see what I did there, I threw in another example, but it flowed too, HAHAHA…haha…ha). But that seems to be the case with a local restaurant here in the DC area. One night about month or two ago my girlfriend Austin and I wanted to order in some Chinese food. Austin had gotten a bunch of junk mail that day but a Chinese menu happened to be a part of it, which was convenient. So we started looking through the menu and deciding what to order. First of all, the name of the “Chinese” restaurant was O’Tasty. Flashing warning lights should go off in your head when a Chinese restaurant is called freakin’ O’Tasty. Somehow I doubt there is a dude name Chin Meng O’Tasty who runs the place. Just a hunch. It seems much more suitable for an Irish guy to own a joint called O’Tasty. But whatever, this “Chinese” place called O’Tasty had all the normal staples of a Chinese menu: soups, lo mein, fried rice, sweet and sour dishes, beef, chicken and the like. You know, Chinese shit. But then I started seeing weird things crop up on the menu, like mozzarella sticks. And turkey burgers. If you perused the whole menu you realized what a bizarre combination of foods O’Tasty was trying to bring under one roof. So here is a list, no joke, of some of the more utterly random menu items besides normal Chinese cuisine that you can order from O’Tasty. Note: all spelling is exactly as it’s printed on the menu.
- Mozzarella Stick
- Apple Turnover
- Bar.b.q Spareribs
- Jumbo Cheeseburger Sandwiches
- Onion Rings
- Crab Cake
- Gvros
- Steak and Cheese
- Fish Sandwiches
- Boneless Spareribs
- Fried Chicken (2,3, or 4 pieces)
- Buffalo Wings
- Chicken Tenderloins
- Filet of Fish Cheese
- Turkey Burgers
- French Fries

Needless to say I was stunned. The first Chinese/Fat Ass American Food combo that I had ever seen. Austin and I ended up just ordering regular Chinese food, but always get a laugh when thinking about O’Tasty. 85% of the menu looks normal, but the remaining 15% is priceless. I leave you with the logo of O’Tasty, where a fat Chinese chef is throwing the deuce at everyone in attendance. Which is what I’m going to do now. Two fingers everyone. Have a great Labor Day Weekend. Peace.

See Spot Run

Sometimes people just don’t know when to keep their mouth shut and end up making complete fools out of themselves. This happens a lot when celebrities are asked for their opinion on a controversial issue. Some celebrities know how to give an answer that doesn’t offend anyone and is incredibly politically correct. Though boring, these people know how to protect their image. Then there are the retards that speak their mind and let the world know how much of a lunatic they are. This has especially been the case with the Michael Vick dog-fighting story. It amazes me that so many high profile people have said such stupid things, and on camera no less. So without further ado, let’s get into “Shamefully Unoriginal Material: Part Deux”.

Clinton Portis

Clinton Portis was the first to throw himself under a bridge with this gem on a local TV station:

"You want to hunt down Mike Vick over fighting some dogs? I think people should mind their own business. I know a lot of back roads that have the dog fighting if you want to go see it”

Unbelievable stupidity. Just mind boggling that he would say this on TV. It’s like he’s telling the police that they were being too nosy in investigating a crime. And not just a crime, we’re talking about a felony. Not only that, he claims to know where more felonies are taking place. Portis’ lawyer must have had a heart attack when he saw this interview. Portis basically said the equivalent of:

“You want to hunt down Mike Vick for snorting cocaine? I think people should mind their own business. I know a lot of apartments where people do lines if you want to go see it”

Unbelievable is the word that always comes to mind.

R.L. White

This is the president of the Atlanta NAACP chapter. There’s no need to even dissect this one.

"Michael Vick has received more negative press than if he had killed a human being."

Ask Rae Carruth about than one. Moron. Again, just unbelievable.

Stephon Marbury

Like Portis, Marbury went out in public and acted retarded for no apparent reason. I guess he just wanted to remind the world that he was insane.

“I think, you know, we don't say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals. You know, from what I hear, dog fighting is a sport.”

Stephon, we don’t say anything about people who shoot deer because it’s legal, you unbelievable retard. It’s like if I got caught for smoking pot and said “I think, you know, we don’t say anything about people who smoke cigarettes.” I hope Vick doesn’t take Marbury’s advice and tell the judge that he heard dog fighting was a sport. The judge would be like “Really? Because I heard it was a felony. Who’d you hear that from? My source is the law. Yeah, it’s right here. I’m holding the law right now. I’m gonna go with felony, not sport.”

Roy Jones Jr.

"They are making this so bad, but really two dogs fighting can happen in anyone's backyard or on the street. It happened in my backyard, two of my dogs fought and one died. Fighting animals don’t necessarily get mistreated. They get treated just the way I get treated."

It’s hard to dissect and process so much stupidity when it’s only packed into 4 sentences. Absolutely dumbfounding. They are saying how boxing is losing popularity, but I guess they need to show Roy Jones Jr's practices, because apparently he gets treated the same ways as these dogs, and I sure haven't seen him getting electrocuted and shot in the ring. These people should all get jobs at Library Courts.

It’s hard to believe that people say such stupid things to reporters. Vick pleaded guilty on Monday, and in honor of that, I wrote a little poem. Here goes:

See Mike Vick.
See Mike Vick Run.
See Mike Vick Run to Jail.
Run Mike Run.

Ribrary Courts: The Empire Strikes Back

Well, it turns out it only took mere days for Library Courts’ management to strike again. It’s like every time I chronicle their pursuits in ineptitude they come back a day later with another episode that just blows the logical mind. The Head Ribrarian must keep busy researching ways to make you feel that much more helpless. This most recent adventure however strays away from being incompetent and enters the realm of just plain mean.

On Sunday evening, my girlfriend Austin drove over to Ribrary Courts and parked on the street behind the building. She called me on me cell phone because I had to come down and let her in. Right as I was about to hang up she goes, “Well that’s weird, there’s a tow truck with a Domino’s delivery car being taken away”. I figure that some poor delivery dude’s car has broken down and that it is being hauled away. When I get to the lobby, Austin is not standing by the door, so I go out onto the sidewalk to see where she is. She is talking to a Domino’s guy. This is not good. As I approach them both I realize that Austin is explaining to a bewildered, middle-aged Chinese pizza deliveryman holding his empty pizza sack that his car had been towed in the 5 minutes he was inside Ribrary Courts. Absorutely unberievable. I felt so bad for this dude. Here’s a guy who’s just trying to make a buck and comes out from one of his stops and his goddamn car is gone. Talk about a buzz kill. Dominos is definitely going to make him pay for that shit too.

As Austin and I walk up to my apartment, she tells me that she saw the Advanced Towing truck empty as is drove down the street, and then turned into my building’s lot. 2 minutes later, before Austin could even call me, this asshole truck driver had towed a freakin delivery guy. You can’t get much more cold hearted than that. Complete disrespect toward another human being, and all in the name of money. He’s going to meet people who throw wet laundry on the ground on their way to the lowest levels of hell.

This episode really got me riled up, and I wanted to do something about it. Surely this couldn’t have been legal. So on Tuesday I called up the Arlington County Manager to make a complaint. They transferred me to Arthur, and I explained what my girlfriend had witnessed. Apparently every private apartment complex negotiates an individual contract with the towing companies. I knew it, the dastardly Ribrarians had to be a part of it. Arthur told me that yes; it was legal, if it was in the contract between Advanced Towing and Ribrary Courts. What diabolical haters would try and prevent the glory of ordering food? The Evil Empire, aka Ribrary Courts, that’s who.

How foolish I was to think that the Adventures of Ribrary Courts was not a continual process. This is probably the beginning of a long battle, albeit a funny one. Till next time, keep fighting the good fight.

Ribrary Courts: Engrish Ressons

The way things are going, there might have to be a monthly update on the bizarre adventures of Library Courts, the apartment complex I call home. One of the topics broached in the first installment was the shabby workout room. One loyal Oceanliner reader sent yours truly a text message about his new digs, which apparently is trying to rival Library Courts in incompetence. The message read:

I read your workout room story and can beat it. The one in my building has a hand written sign with a max occupancy of 10, but there are 12 treadmills inside.

Touché, salesman, touché. However, Library Courts must have heard about this boneheaded move and decided to counter with one of their own. “Shit, we can’t let another building be more incompetent than us. Especially some retirement home in Tampa. Ceejay, you can handle this one, quick”. So right on cue, last week there was a new sign posted in my workout room, and of course, it was full of hilarity. Possibly written by our esteemed Sri Lankan leasing office manager Ceejay, the author definitely needs some Engrish ressons:First of all, I can’t get past the name of the building being plural, as in Library Courts. There is only one courtyard in front of the library across the street, and only one court house near by. Yet the name of the building is Library Courts, not the normal sounding Library Court. Whenever you see or hear the real name it causes just a little bit of confusion, and something about the name feels off. You gotta pick a better name than Library Courts.

Moving on, the author of the note decided to address the residents first with authority, then with cordiality. After first demanding the ATTENTION of the residents, the note then becomes our friend. It’s like a STOP sign that thanks you for coming by as you drive through.

Then comes the real Engrish mistakes. Clean my “sweats”? I have to make sure every bead of sweat is gone from the “pristine” workout room? Or does the note mean sweats as in sweatshirts and sweatpants? Obviously, something is lost in transration. Maybe I’ll post a follow up note.

The last mistake is just plain ineptitude and not knowing the right way to speak Engrish, but hey, that’s what I’ve come to expect from Ribrary Courts. These follies are like a Catch 22. I want more of them to happen because they add amusment to my daily routine. But it could also backfire one day when I’m being evicted for no apparent reason. Oh well, at least it’s funny, for now.

PS- Just in case you wanted to bring your landline phone to the gym with you, there is not one but two jacks to make this possible. I feel like I say this a lot, but again, you can’t make this shit up. Till next time, over and out.

Guaranteed

As football season fast approaches and the nation’s appetite for pigskin starts to rumble, we are reminded once again that the NFL is the utterly dominant professional sports league in this country and that it has no intention of releasing this stranglehold. Many articles have been written on why the NFL has sped light years past Major League Baseball and the NBA to the forefront of Americans’ sports conscious. One of the main theories out there is that because there is so much parity in the NFL, every team has a chance of being a contender on any given Sunday, thus there is hope for all 32 fan bases around the country. Most games are also very competitive so the casual fan is drawn in as well. There is a reason for this parity and competition that rarely gets mentioned but I think is hugely important. This is the fact that NBA and MLB contracts are guaranteed but NFL contracts are not.

In the NFL, almost all of the long-term contracts are not guaranteed. There is some guaranteed money and signing bonuses, but if a player sings a monster contract and then does not live up to expectations, the NFL team can cut him and not be responsible for the remainder of that player’s salary. This was the case with Lavar Arrington and his contract with the New York Giants. Before the 2006 season, Arrington signed a 7-year, 49 million-dollar contract with the G-Men. In that season however, Arrington only played in 6 games, had only 16 tackles, 1 sack and was injured for more than half the year. The Giants cut Arrington after the 2006 campaign, rightfully assessing that the one time Mr. Serena Williams was no longer a viable starting linebacker and let him go. This kind of situation makes sense. A players signs a lucrative contract, does not live up to expectations, and is cut. Other players who sign mega contracts and perform well keep their jobs (Peyton Manning: 9 years, $99 million, Jayson Taylor: 6 year, $45 million).

The sad thing is, this doesn’t happen in professional baseball and basketball because contracts are guaranteed. The result is that bad teams are loaded with huge contacts of players who suck nuts. Look at the New York Knicks. They are saddled with Stephon Marbury (4 years, $76 million), Jerome James (5 years, $29 million) and until recently Steve Francis (2 years remaining, $34 million). All of these guys are absolute ass clowns, yet they are actually too expensive to cut. Because NBA contracts are guaranteed, a team cannot cut an under performing superstar because the cap hit would be too big. Or in the case of Jerome James, an under performing buffet line champ. The NBA has players who are basically just contracts used in trades because they are so ludicrous. These jokers include, among others, Theo Ratliff, Wally Szczerbiak, the old Penny Hardaway and Glenn Robinson.

Because of the lack of a salary cap, baseball doesn’t have this trade problem. But huge contracts still languish way longer than they should. These contracts include Mo Vaughn, Mike Hampton, Adrian Beltre, Darren Dreifort, Carl Pavano, and most recently Barry Zito.

The consequences of this is that it takes bad teams so much longer to get better, because they have to wait longer and spend more to correct their mistakes. In the NFL, each roster spot is taken up, for the most part, by a player deserving for the job and paid accordingly. If a player does not live up to their contract, then they are let go. MLB and NBA rosters are constantly filled with overpaid, under performing athletes. Basically, the worst possible scenario. The worst part is, the player who signed the contract has no incentive to play well, unless he has a high moral obligation toward the game. They are going to get paid no matter what, by someone, no matter how poorly they play.

What drives me crazy on top of that is when players have a good year and then threaten to hold out unless they get a big raise. If this is the case, owners should have the equal right to demand a contract renegotiation if they sign a mega deal and the player ends up sucking. NFL players, even ones who sign lucrative contracts, have every incentive to keep playing at a high level because they could get cut after any kind of dip in performance.

The thing is though, the NBA and MLB players association will never, and I mean never, agree to a new labor agreement where their contracts are not guaranteed after they’ve been that way for so long. This would only happen if the sport were on the brink of oblivion. That said, hero Tim Donaghy.

Baseball and basketball fans of teams that have terrible contracts have many years of wallowing before they have even a chance of being good again. And even there, their horrendous front office is just one move away from sending everything back down the drain (see Magic, Orlando: Tracy Mcgrady, Grant Hill…Rashard Lewis). In the NFL however, the non-guaranteed contracts ensure this parity that fans have grown to love, the sense that every year could be the one for your team. Unless you live in Cleveland that is. Over and out.

Shamefully Unoriginal Material

Having a “Quotes of the Week” post is lame. In fact it is very lame. It takes little to no creativity other than copying and pasting and saying something like “Hey check this out, some dude said something funny LOL, BRB, ROTFL!”. Yet over the past week there have been some pretty good one-liners if you will, and I least tried to add my usual sarcastic and unproductive commentary. Without further ado, let’s look at what made me laugh this week.

Hank Aaron

The Hammer had been relatively quiet about Bonds breaking his record, staying reclusive, not going to the games, and recording a video tribute that reeked of apathy. In an article I recently read though, Aaron said this about talking to Bonds about the record.

"Eventually, if I happen to see [Bonds] somewhere, I'd probably say something to him”.

Woooaaah Hank, don’t go jumping out of your seat now to meet Bonds at the door. It’s like he plans on seeing Barry as they pass each other in the grocery store and saying “Barry, what’s going on man. How’s the wife? Great. Oh yeah, I heard you broke some kind of record, congratulations. Get outta here…it was mine? I had no idea. Big gulps huh? Well, see ya later.”

The level of ignorance, apathy and indifference Aaron is showing Bonds is absolutely awesome. Bonds wants so much approval, and Aaron is giving him none.

Charlie Weis

This appeared in my last column, but I wanted to post it again because of how creepy it was. This is the Notre Dame football coach on whether Browns fans will forgive Brady Quinn for holding out of part of training camp

"I think it won't take long before they're in love with Brady Quinn," he said. "Because he's an easy guy to fall for."

*Shiver*, *Pause*, *Spine Tingle*, *Shiver*, *Pause*. Creepy. Really freakin creepy. Especially coming from the 320 pound, jumbo cream puff, gastric bypass surgery recepient Weis. Nasty.

John Daly

Quoting John Daly is like stealing candy from a baby.

"If there was 14 holes on a golf course, I would have won 17 tournaments in the last year and a half. That's the way I look at it.”

That’s the problem John. It’s not your obesity, alcoholism, erratic play, mental breakdowns, gambling addiction, marriage propensity and chain smoking. It’s that golf courses are 4 holes too long.

Pacman Jones

Again, almost too easy. Like making it rain.

"Everybody keeps saying I've been arrested six times," Jones said. "I haven't been arrested six times. I've only been arrested twice.”

And yet two paragraphs later in the same article: “Jones has been arrested six times since being drafted by the Titans in April 2005.”

It’s like if he doesn’t believe it, it didn’t happen. He’s like a little kid that’s playing hide and seek who covers his eyes and believes that if he can’t see you, you can’t see him, even though he’s hiding behind a leaf. Except Jones’ leaf is professional wrestling.

The Canadian Government

I know, very random, but be patient.

"Our government has an aggressive Arctic agenda," said Dimitri Soudas, the prime minister's spokesman.who has pledged to spend billions defending Canada's sovereignty over the Arctic. He might also announce a military training center in the arctic.

Priceless. Canada’s big world move is defending the Artctic. Imagine the unlucky Canadian soldiers who are stationed at that godforsaken base.

“Hey Charlie, pack your stuff up, we’re being transferred to the Artic”
“Get the fuck outta here Donnie. Don’t scare me like that, I haven’t had my coffee yet”
“No, seriously, the PM just announced a new training center…in the Arctic”
“You’re shitting me”
“No”
*Silence*
“Seriously?”
“Yeah”
“In the Arctic?”
“Yeah”
*Pause*
“Hey, look on the bright side. We will be so far into the Arctic Circle that during the summer we will have almost 24 hours of daylight. It’ll be a great way to work on our tans!”
*Silence*
“Shut the fuck up, Donnie.”

My Girlfriend

“She looked like a pizza?”

Austin’s response after horribly misinterpreting my comment that a “pizza face” is a person with a lot of acne.

Zing!

Brady Quinn is a Hippie

Brady Quinn has many talents. Some of them include piling up stats against shitty teams, choking in the big game, looking very awkward and squeamish as he slides down a draft board, and having a sister who gets nailed by a rival’s linebacker. These thing he does possess. Eloquence, however, is not one of Quinn’s fortes. I overheard a Quinn press conference on the radio where he was explaining the agony of having to hold out for a bigger contract. He sounded like a stoned California surfer, throwing in multiple ‘likes’ and ‘uhhs’ into a 30 second sound bite. I knew I had heard that voice before. It was so poignant and full of fake emotion and stupidity and yet I couldn’t pin point it. Suddenly it hit me: Brady Quinn sounded exactly like Keanu Reeves.

And I thought things couldn’t get any worse for the Browns. Yet here they go and draft the modern day Johnny Utah, the ex college football star turned FBI special agent played by, of course, Keanu Reeves in the “hit” movie Point Break. On a quick aside, I can’t believe that movie got past the idea stage. As soon the producer realized that the “stars” of his movie consisted of Reeves, Gary Busey and Patrick Swayze, he should have closed up shop immediately. I mean, those three guys together sound like the beginning of a joke, not the backbone of a movie. “So a stoner, an alcoholic and Slash walk into a bar…”. Just unbelievable. Anyway, back to Quinn, aka, Agent Utah. They seem to be following a very similar career path. They look fairly similar, talk like they never passed the 4th grade and seem to like striking hard poses for absolutely no reason.

.......

If that wasn’t enough, Charlie Weis had to go and make it weird but also drive the stake into the connection. This is Weis when asked if Cleveland fans will forgive Quinn for holding out: "I think it won't take long before they're in love with Brady Quinn," he said. "Because he's an easy guy to fall for."…Wow…I don’t really know what to say. That’s just really awkward. Sounds like Weis has been swallowing down more than double bacon cheeseburgers…zing!

Back to Quinn and Utah, again. Quinn, with his good looks and mystical aura, is going to have women in Cleveland falling for him just like Tyler Ann left Bodhi (Patrick Swayze) for Utah in Point Break. Tyler Ann was played by the talentless and appropriately trashy Lori Petty, whose other starring roles have included A League of Their Own and my personal favorite, Tank Girl. The casting director really hit a grand slam with this one. Maybe when Quinn retires he can go on an undercover mission to find out why Cleveland smells so bad. Or figure out who the real “Witness” is in Cleveland, as everyone walks around with a Nike shirt claiming they are the one.

What I’m really trying to say here is that Brady Quinn is a douche bag. That’s really about it. I actually find Point Break to be an entertaining movie, albeit while losing brain cells. Quinn just needs to shut up and play football, albeit shittily. But I gotta go, Chain Reaction is on.

Ribrary Courts

Some people live in normal apartment complexes with competent managers, friendly staff and efficient facilities. Then there is the one I live in, which is the exact opposite. The building is actually very nice (built in 2002) and when my roommate Schling and I were looking for places to live it looked like all of the other way-to-expensive Arlington high rises that would have slutted us for a grand a month or more. So when we walked into the ill fated lobby of Library Courts apartments and the friendly leasing manager named Tracy informed us we would be paying $600 a month (which included all utilities except cable and Internet, a washer-dryer and cheap parking) we immediately thought it was too good to be true. We were absolutely right, and now its our home.

We should have noticed that something was awry when Tracy handed us a business card that had someone else’s name crossed out and hers written above it. Some would argue we should have walked out right away. But instead, we of course signed the lease, gave her a check for $1800 for the first months rent and went on our merry way. Things got very sketchy very quickly, well, at least much sketchier than they already were. We gave her the check the first week of June and she said it wouldn’t be cashed until the first week of July, when we were scheduled to move in. So of course, two weeks later, I get a message from Schling telling me that our favorite Vietnamese leasing agent Tracy Tran had cashed the check and 3 of Schling’s other checks had bounced. This was not good. I could just see Tracy Tran gallivanting through the streets of Bangkok sipping Muy Thais and munching on rice patties courtesy two American dumbasses.

So we call Library Courts back and they inform us that Tracy Tran no longer works for them. She had lasted all of six weeks, yet somehow had managed to book us into a very nice apartment. We are almost positive she jumped us ahead of a huge waiting list too, because after we moved in Schling heard the new leasing agent (a Sri Lankan named Ceejay) telling potential residents that there was a 30 person waiting list for an apartment. So it turns out that Tracy Tran whored a bunch of other innocent people instead of us, and I’ll take any day. I hope Tracy is doing well at her next incompetent job, wherever it may be.

Everything is actually working out very well. We are in a great location, close to the metro and the apartment is pretty nice. There are a few amusing side notes though that makes the place feel like home, albeit a very sketchy home.

Exhibit A: The Lobby
We live in Arlington. The person that designed our lobby must have thought we rode llamas to work and lived in Southeast Asia. There is a table that has wooden elephants as its base. There is some kind of Sanskrit mural right as you walk in.
And let’s not forget the giant vases that flank the main doorway. Frank Lloyd Wright’s Asian cousin must have had a say in raying out the aura and décor of Ribrary Courts.

Exhibit B: The “Workout Room”
It’s never good when the workout room in your building has a sign posted that its maximum occupancy is 6 people.
You can comfortably fit 8 people in a Yukon and this room can only hold 6 people? Copernicus’ retarded cousin must have done the calculations on that.


Exhibit C: The "Mail Room"
Since the hardworking Sri Lankan leasing agent Ceejay only works 9-5, if a package comes to the building, it is simply placed on a communal shelf next to the mailboxes and is basically up for grabs.
This is actually a little concerning because I saw someone’s check order just lying there. Only in Ribrary Courts.






Exhibit D: The Vending Machine
This one is my favorite. My roommate Schling went down to the parking garage to get a soda from the vending machine to mix drinks with. He came back with two Gingerales and 20 nickels. Apparently when he put his dollar in and hit the Canada Dry button, it shot out two bottles of soda and all of his money back. In nickels.

So go the adventures of Library Courts. Stay tuned.

Bill Russell, Jorts and Short Sleeve Buttondowns

So it turns out I’m working with the son of a teammate of a legend. We have a 6’7” intern named Russ who is a rising senior at Wake Forest. The other day we were talking about the Garnett megadeal and Russ was really excited about Boston’s chances next season. He’s from Reston, VA so I asked him why the hell he cared about the Celtics. He nonchalantly replied, “Oh, my dad used to play for them”, which immediately got a “buh buh bwwwhhaaaat?” from me. He went on to explain that his dad, Ronnie Watts, played on the Celtics for two years in the 60’s, highlighted by a championship in the 1965-66 season. It turns out Ronnie had really bad knees and could only play those two seasons, but became great friends with Bill Russell. In fact, when Russell became the player-coach in 1996-67, he asked Ronnie Watts to stay on as an assistant. Watts and Russell stayed close friends and did commercials with each other after their playing days were over. They were so close that Ronnie named his son after the legend and Bill is Russ’ godfather. And I thought Wednesday would just be another day at the office. Instead, I find out that I’ve been working with Bill Russell’s godson all summer. I asked Russ if his dad, who now is a real estate agent, wears his championship ring a lot. He replied, “Nah, but he does wear the watch a lot. The championship watches they got are awesome”. Talk about a way to slut anyone in a Nice Watch Competition. “Oh yeah, you think you have a nice watch? Fuck that, I got my watch by winning the NBA Championship with Bill freakin Russell, who also happens to be my boy’s godfather. How do you like ‘dem apples, biotch?”. In my mind, Ronnie Watts says that every day of his life, and it is awesome.

Speaking of work, I’ve only been a bitch of The Man for a full six weeks now, but I’ve already seen way too many men, both in my office and around the complex, wearing the dreaded short sleeve button down. For some reason, the short sleeve button down makes the people wearing them just look so awkward. I don’t know why, there’s just something about it. Nothing personifies this awkward, creepy look more than Michael Douglas in the classic cult flick, Falling Down.


There is no rhyme or reason why this should be the case. Short sleeve polo shirts look fine. As do long sleeve polos. Regular button downs are obviously kosher. The perplexing one is the fact that long sleeve button downs with the sleeves rolled up look fine but if you take away the sleeves altogether you look like Milton from Office Space.

There is equally mind-boggling fashion discrimination in the world of jeans. Regular jeans on guys and girls is 100% All American. For girls, jean skirts, shorts and jackets are all accepted. Construction workers and carpenters can rock a jean shirt with pride. Jean shorts are popular and trendy among black men. But if a white guy happens to go out in public sportin’ some jorts, he will get laughed all the way back home. Again, I have no idea why this is the case, and if you have any solutions, please let me know. I’m just glad no one has showed up in jorts and a short sleeve button down on casual Fridays yet.

ESPN is definitely not Now

I never thought I would say this, but I feel like ESPN is starting to lose me. And it’s only one segment of one show that’s responsible for it. I can’t think of a more pointless and excruciating waste of time than the Who’s Now feature that SportsCenter has been running for the past month. The reason I watch SportsCenter is to watch highlights. If I wanted to watch a celebrity popularity contest, I would flip it over to Entertainment Tonight. I realize that in the dog days of summer there isn’t that much going on in sports. The NBA and NFL are deep into their off seasons and baseball hasn’t heated up yet. But instead of creating a moronic segment on Who’s Now, why don’t they just show more highlights? That’s what SportsCenter was created on, so how bout stickin with your bread and butter? People are never going to get tired of watching original highlights. All the material they need is already there, they don’t need to create it. I would absolutely rather watch extended Royals-Devil Rays highlights than Stu Scott’s white ass asking Adam Sandler, Kevin James and Jessica Biel if Serena Williams is more “Now” than Steve Nash. I wish I were making that last part up. It is only fitting that Stu Scott is hosting Who’s Now, though. Talk about a guy who pretends to be hard and black but is actually the complete opposite. Scott actually was a good SportsCenter anchor back in the late 90’s and early 00’s, especially when teamed with Rich Eisen. But now he’s just plain annoying, especially with his roles on Dream Job and Who’s Now. And as for him being thuggish, I’ll let a modification of a great Dave Chappelle line handle that: “White people like Stuart Scott because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X”. Booyah.