Brady Quinn is a Hippie

Brady Quinn has many talents. Some of them include piling up stats against shitty teams, choking in the big game, looking very awkward and squeamish as he slides down a draft board, and having a sister who gets nailed by a rival’s linebacker. These thing he does possess. Eloquence, however, is not one of Quinn’s fortes. I overheard a Quinn press conference on the radio where he was explaining the agony of having to hold out for a bigger contract. He sounded like a stoned California surfer, throwing in multiple ‘likes’ and ‘uhhs’ into a 30 second sound bite. I knew I had heard that voice before. It was so poignant and full of fake emotion and stupidity and yet I couldn’t pin point it. Suddenly it hit me: Brady Quinn sounded exactly like Keanu Reeves.

And I thought things couldn’t get any worse for the Browns. Yet here they go and draft the modern day Johnny Utah, the ex college football star turned FBI special agent played by, of course, Keanu Reeves in the “hit” movie Point Break. On a quick aside, I can’t believe that movie got past the idea stage. As soon the producer realized that the “stars” of his movie consisted of Reeves, Gary Busey and Patrick Swayze, he should have closed up shop immediately. I mean, those three guys together sound like the beginning of a joke, not the backbone of a movie. “So a stoner, an alcoholic and Slash walk into a bar…”. Just unbelievable. Anyway, back to Quinn, aka, Agent Utah. They seem to be following a very similar career path. They look fairly similar, talk like they never passed the 4th grade and seem to like striking hard poses for absolutely no reason.

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If that wasn’t enough, Charlie Weis had to go and make it weird but also drive the stake into the connection. This is Weis when asked if Cleveland fans will forgive Quinn for holding out: "I think it won't take long before they're in love with Brady Quinn," he said. "Because he's an easy guy to fall for."…Wow…I don’t really know what to say. That’s just really awkward. Sounds like Weis has been swallowing down more than double bacon cheeseburgers…zing!

Back to Quinn and Utah, again. Quinn, with his good looks and mystical aura, is going to have women in Cleveland falling for him just like Tyler Ann left Bodhi (Patrick Swayze) for Utah in Point Break. Tyler Ann was played by the talentless and appropriately trashy Lori Petty, whose other starring roles have included A League of Their Own and my personal favorite, Tank Girl. The casting director really hit a grand slam with this one. Maybe when Quinn retires he can go on an undercover mission to find out why Cleveland smells so bad. Or figure out who the real “Witness” is in Cleveland, as everyone walks around with a Nike shirt claiming they are the one.

What I’m really trying to say here is that Brady Quinn is a douche bag. That’s really about it. I actually find Point Break to be an entertaining movie, albeit while losing brain cells. Quinn just needs to shut up and play football, albeit shittily. But I gotta go, Chain Reaction is on.