85 Kinds of Nasty

There is terrible weather here in the District right now: mid 30’s and rain. As I trudged through this muck this morning I thought to myself, “Man, this weather is 85 kinds of nasty”. Then I thought to myself, “I should call this week’s column 85 Kinds of Nasty”. So here you go.

1: No 2008 recap or 2009 preview here at the Oceanliner. You think a site devoted to random thoughts about sports and life could synthesize a post about an entire year? As Kevin McAlister of Home Alone would say with a contorted facial expression, “IIIII don’t think so”.

6: Note to future bloggers attempting to mail in a column: If you skip numbers, you don’t have to come up with a full 85 ideas for a post called “85 Kinds of Nasty”.

8: While the Oceanliner may not be, Chris Paul is certifiably 85 kinds of nasty. The most recent evidence: CP3 is tied for first in the NBA in double doubles. This is insane for a point guard. To put this into perspective, the next highest guard in the double double rankings is Deron Williams…in a tie for 18th. In fact, Paul and Williams are the only guards in the top 30 players in terms of double doubles for the season. And Paul is tied for first. Filthy. Oh yeah, CP3 also has 3 triple doubles on the year, which leads the league and is 2 more than anyone else.

9: Interestingly, Chris Duhon of your New Your Knicks is 3rd in the NBA among guards in double doubles. Yes, this is the same Duhon who gayed it up at Duke for seemingly 6 years. He seems to be doing quite well in Mike D’Antoni’s run and gun system. One thing padding Duhon’s stats a little is the fact that he is second in the NBA in minutes per game, playing an astonishing 39.8 minutes per contest. Who would have thought?

12: Also somewhat surprising is that King James only has 7 double doubles in 33 games. This is somewhat misleading, as Bron Bron is averaging over 6 assists and 6 rebounds per game. I couldn’t find this stat, but LBJ probably leads the league in 32 point, 9 assist, 8 rebound, 5 block, 4 steal, and 3 pride obliterating dunk games.

13: Yes, I just stole a line from Aqua Teen.

14: Back to LeBron for a second. One telling sign of the Cavs awesome 27-6 start may be that they are getting it done as a team, not just watching the King play. LeBron is way down at 30th in the NBA in minutes per game, but Cleveland has been steamrolling. In the past 3 seasons, LBJ was 3rd, 3rd and 2nd in minutes played per game in the NBA, playing over 40 minutes a game in all 3 seasons. Now he is down to 36 minutes per game, but is getting fantastic support from the emerging Daniel Gibson, Delonte West, Big Z, Wally Szczerbiak, tough Anderson Varejao and especially off-season acquisition Mo Williams. Williams is averaging 15 points, 4 dimes and 3 boards and is a supreme ball handler when James is out. If the Cavs continue to play with LBJ instead of watching him, they could be scary in June.

26: The different cup sizes in one National Airport coffee shop were tall, grande and ultimo. How ridiculous would you sound if you went up to the counter and said, “Yes, I’ll have an ultimo coffee please”. About as ridiculous as if you ordered a venti coffee. Which is why I still refuse to use the Starbucks drink size terminology (I always ask for a medium), even though I know that they know that I know what the sizes are called.

26b: I saw 3 different Starbucks in the Charlotte airport, and I wasn’t even there for that long.

37: Jose Calderon of the Raptors has made all 72 of his free throw attempts this year. Very impressive.

38: Unimpressively and unsurprisingly, Rasheed Wallace leads the NBA in technical fouls, just ahead of brawler and gun waver Stephen Jackson. Over the past 8 seasons, Wallace has ranked 3rd, 1st, 1st, 1st, 2nd, 13th, 1st and 1st in technical fouls, including an astounding 41 T’s in 2000-20001. He only played 77 games that year, so you could count on Sheed getting T’d up every other game. Dean Smith would not be happy.

41: We are going to start talking about football now.

42: But not before an amusing anecdote about my ski trip in Colorado.

45: One day I got onto a lift with three heady looking snowboarders. About halfway up the mountain one of the guys pulled out a sack of weed and a little one hitter. Apparently I don’t look like a DEA agent.

54: Football now, for real this time.

56: Peter King bashing time. King continued to rank his Fine Fifteen teams in this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback column, even though there are only 8 teams left in the playoffs. Thanks Pete, thanks for ranking the teams that are no longer alive. Even more preposterously, King ranked teams that are no longer in the tourney ahead of teams that are still in. He’s got the Colts at number 8, ahead of two teams that are still in the playoffs in Philly and Arizona. If you are already shaking your head in incredulity, you may not want to read the next sentence. Not only does he have the previous mind blower, he has a team that didn’t even make the playoffs (the Patriots) as the 6th best team in the league! King “ranks” the Pats ahead of those two teams that are still in the playoffs, plus the four teams that made the tourney but got eliminated (Falcons, Dolphins, Vikings and Colts). If you are wondering how he gets paid to do this, join the club.

56b: King bashing continues. The Loser said this about the Giants. “I think if the Yankees fired Joe Girardi tomorrow, the Steinbrenners would want to interview Steve Spagnuolo”. Note: Steve Spagnuolo is the Giants defensive coordinator, not a baseball coach. And if this was supposed to be a joke, King is a worse comedian that football writer.

59: I don’t have nearly enough amusing anecdotes in this post. My break was that amazing and relaxing.

60: I'm in impressed by Michael Phelps's swimming skills like a lot of people, and I think SI made a good choice in annointing him Sportsman of the Year. But some people are taking it a little bit too far with their praise. Like Jason Read, a US Olympic rower who had this to say in a letter to Sports Illustrated;

"Your selection of Michael Phelps as Sportsman of the Year is an excellent one. He is inspiring not only to billions worldwide but also to all of us on the Olympic team. That he is the greatest Olympian ever is indisputable. Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime".

Dude, Jason, you can get off your knees now. What Phelps did is impressive, but I'm not inspired by him. I doubt the dude is inspiring billions of people, that would be more than 20% of the world. And what does that last sentence even mean, "Phelps has immortalized the Olympic odyssey for our lifetime"? Get outta here. The dude can swim across a pool extremely fast. Other than that, he can look awkward really well.

62: The Giants had one of the more spectacular rushing seasons I can remember, even slightly more impressive even than the Panthers 2 headed monster of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. The G-Men had two running backs go over 1,000 and each average 5 yards per carry or better in Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward. Ward won the league YPC title over Williams 5.6 to 5.5. The Giants as a team averaged 5.01 yards per carry…for the season. This was slightly better than Carolina at 4.8. Not only did the Giants blow people away on the ground, they didn’t give the ball up either. The Giants only lost 2 fumbles on rushing attempts the whole season, best in the league. (Note: Part of fumble recoveries is luck, and the Giants did get lucky in recovering their own fumbles. They fumbled 14 times while running (still goof for 7th in the NFL), but recovered 12 of them. The Panthers, on the other hand, only fumbled 11 times, but lost 7 of them)

63: LaDanian Tomlinson had one of the best seasons ever for a player who is “washed up”. Dude still ran for 1110 yards and 11 touchdowns. The telling stat that he is on the decline though was his 3.8 yards per carry, good for 41st in the NFL. When a back’s average dips below 4, you should start selling.

64: LT has had one of the most spectacularly consistent and amazing careers that a running back has ever had. In 8 seasons he has rushed for 1236, 1683, 1645, 1335, 1462, 1815, 1474, and 1110 yards. He has never had less than 367 receiving yards in a season. He has run and caught 141 touchdowns, and has even thrown for seven more. He has averaged 122 yards and over a touchdown per game in his career. He is second in career rushing touchdowns, and tied for 4th in total career touchdowns (excluding quarterbacks). You can count on him playing too; he’s only missed one regular season game in 8 years. What a stud.

65: Here are some surprising stats when glancing through the NFL annals.

66: Edgerrin James is 11th all time in the NFL in rushing yards, and 18th in career rushing TD’s. If you just looked at stats, he’s a Hall of Famer.

67: Fred Taylor is 16th. For a guy who is most famous for being injured, that’s pretty damn impressive.

68: Warrick Dunn is 19th. For someone listed at 5’9”, that’s pretty damn impressive.

69: 69, he he.

70: Terrell Owens is the person tied with LT for 4th on the career touchdown list, 5 TD’s ahead of Randy Moss.

71: Shaun Alexander has the 7th most rushing touchdowns in NFL history.

72: Lions kicker Jason Hanson went 8 for 8 this year on field goals of over 50 yards.

73: Donnie Jones, the St. Louis punter, averaged 50 yards a kick for the season.

74: If you have a good year on special teams for horrific franchises, it doesn’t make you feel any better.

75: Calvin Johnson caught 78 balls for 1331 yards (5th in the NFL) and 12 touchdowns (T-1st) yet didn’t make the Pro Bowl. Welcome to Detroit!

79: Tony Gonzalez is 9th on the all-time receptions list.

81: Brett Favre led the NFL in interceptions this year with 22 and his team missed the playoffs, but he somehow made the Pro Bowl.

82: Favre has thrown at least 20 picks 6 times in his career.

83: I hate Brett Favre.

84: I hate Brett Favre.

85: Well folks, there you have it, 85 kinds of nasty, or at least random stats I found interesting. Everyone should refer to Chris Paul as 85 Kinds of Nasty and give me all the credit. Happy 2009 friends. Keep it real.