Celebration

It’s a great time of year folks; time to celebrate awkwardly like Tiger Woods and his caddy after another ridiculous win. While it’s clear that Tig has not lost a step with his golf game, it continues to amaze me that he and his caddy continue to be so uncoordinated in their celebrations. Tiger by himself has excellent post-dagger-putt-making reactions, including the “point the ball into the hole while walking towards it”, the “slamming the hat on the green”, the “I’m so good its not even funny smile, laugh and shake of the head” (this is his bunker hole-out specialty) and of course, the “Finish Him” Mortal Combat, upper-cut fist pump that punctuates many of Tiger’s victories.

When it comes to a duo though, Tiger and Stevie Williams are woefully bad. They are always on the wrong page. It normally comes down to a couple of scenarios. First, they just completely miss when trying to give each other a high five. Always awkward. Second, one of them tries to do a high five while the other is leaning in for a hug. Even more awkward. Third, and worst of all, they miss on their attempted high five, and the momentum carries them forward into an awkward hug. This was never more evident than when Tiger holed that ridiculous chip shot on 16 at Augusta, where the ball hung on the lip of the whole for a couple seconds. If you want to see it, follow this link to You Tube. The shot and the celebration are well worth it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qkBFGpNPC0

This shouldn’t be a hard concept to master, especially someone of Tiger’s stature. Football and basketball players do that thing now where two of them jump up at the same time and bump shoulders in mid air. That’s pretty cool. It would be sweet if Tiger and Williams practiced that number. Woods has already revolutionized the fitness training among professional golfers. Taking it’s celebrations to the next level only seems logical. Then we wouldn’t have to deal with Phil Mickelson’s 2 inch vertical leap after his Masters win or Rich Beem’s pathetic shimmy after winning the 2002 PGA Championship.

It’s time to celebrate because it’s a great time of year: the Final Four, Fish’s bachelor party, Easter, the Masters, the NBA playoffs, warm weather, the NFL Draft, Fish’s wedding, and Foxfield all happen within the next month. I smell happiness.

Here are some things not worth celebrating, however:

NCAA Management

These money grubbing losers are such greedy sellouts its makes me sick. I was watching a press conference after one of the Elite 8 games this weekend and the NCAA douchebag moderating the event made all of the reporters address the players as “student-athletes”. What a complete joke. The NCAA makes billions of dollars from these “student-athletes” by holding the National Championship over a 3 week span, guaranteeing that the Final Fours teams don’t go to class for that whole time. Uconn left on Wednesday for their Saturday night game in Detroit. They must have left on Monday or Tuesday for their first and second weekend games that were on Thursdays. That’s 3 straight weeks of missed class, which the NCAA clearly knows, and they have the gall to make the reporters call the players “student-athletes”. Disgusting.

Jay Cutler

I brought this up in my last post, but I hate Cutler even more now. At first he was just being a baby and throwing a temper tantrum about being mentioned in trade talks; now he’s just a total ass bag. The Broncos have announced that they are going to try and trade Cutler in part because the Broncos owner, and I quote from ESPN.com, “has been unable to get Cutler to call him back during the past 10 days.” It’s one thing to have a disagreement with your head coach, which is what happened between Cutler and new coach Josh McDaniels. But when the owner of your company calls you, a person who invested a first round draft pick in you and is personally paying your 6-year, $48 million contract, you better call him back, or else you are just a spineless dipshit. Which is exactly what Cutler is. I will never root for him ever again, and hope he fails in every opportunity he has in professional football. I indirectly hate Bus Cook now too, the agent who represents Cutler and the former agent of one Brett Favre. If it looks like a rat and stinks like a rat, it’s Jay Cutler.

Tony Bennett

The new UVa basketball coach will hopefully be worth celebrating, but his name is not. It’s like Michael Bolton’s classic line from Office Space, “Why should I change my name? He’s the one who sucks.” Unfortunately, Bennett will be rolled on by every opposing fan base in the ACC, and even the Virginia faithful if he is not successful. You would think a guy named Tony Bennett would start going by Anthony, or Tone. Tone Bennett, now that sounds hardass. I hope he has thick skin.

Like I said, it’s time to celebrate, my friends. It’s springtime and I’ve got my horse shoes setup in my back yard. Life could be worse. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and…damnit! We missed the high five again.