Bid Sniping

Mississippi State hunkers down and aims its assault rifle down at the target, the SEC Tournament championship trophy, which is wandering naively through Blood Gulch below, with no clue what is about to hit it. Out on the west coast, Southern Cal is doing the same thing, though in its sights instead is the Pac 10 tournament title, wandering like a stray doe through Battle Creek. Later that day, Temple stalks the barren Sidewinder terrain before turning the corner, where it sees the Atlantic 10 automatic bid walking in the other direction. A wide grin spreads across Temple’s face, as it slowly raises its weapon, zooms in for a head shot, and calmly snipes the bid. Meanwhile, on the other side of their respective maps, Davidson, Saint Mary’s and Penn State run around aimlessly and shooting into the air wildly, unable to locate their prize.

The Bulldogs, Trojans and Owls all made it to the Big Dance by winning their conference tournaments and securing an automatic bid. The Oceanliner was constantly annoyed during Conference Tournament week when talking heads kept saying how so-and-so “stole a bid” from another team by winning their conference title. I say bullshit. The teams that won their conference tournaments that would not have made March Madness otherwise (Miss St, USC, Temple and others) did not steal anything; they went out and took their bids rightfully. If you steal something and people find out, you have to give it back. Conference tournament winners do it in broad daylight, and it will be theirs forever. So let’s end this “bid stealing” garbage. Davidson and the like didn’t have anything stolen from them; they had just as much of an opportunity to go out bid hunting in their conference tournaments. They could have gone Halo-style and sniped a bid, but they didn’t. So let me be the first to congratulate the Temple’s of the world who went bid sniping over the past two weeks. They’ve earned it.

One team that emphatically did NOT snipe a bid is Virginia. Not only that, we sniped our coach too, as Dave Leitao “resigned” on Monday. Leitao was obviously forced out of the job, as he got a $2.1 million dollar severance package as part of the deal. No coach that actually quits out of the blue walks away with a buyout. I don’t know why athletic department insist on having their coaches “resign”, when it is obvious that they were forced out. Everyone knows what’s going on.

This concludes a sports year which saw the Cavaliers finish in 11th place in the ACC in both football and basketball. It is safe to say that this is one of the worst years in Virginia’s history with regards to the two revenue sports, if not the absolute worst. The two programs went a combined 7-17 against their ACC counterparts in 2008-2009. At least the basketball team beat 12th place Georgia Tech, even if it was by only 4 points and in overtime. The football team cannot say they same, as they got annihilated by 12th place Duke 31-3. Truly abysmal.

This got me thinking a terrifying question: Did the Wahoos have the worst football-basketball conference finish in the country? Nervously, I scanned the BCS conference standings for both football and basketball, hoping that some pathetic loser could eclipse 2 second to last place finishes. Fortunately for the Cavs, such a loser presented themselves: Indiana. It’s hard to comprehend considering their basketball tradition, but the Hoosiers managed to finish dead last in the Big 10 (11 teams) in both football AND basketball. Incredibly, they managed only 1 conference win in each sport, and went a combined 2-24 in Big 10 play. Capital WOOF. Thankfully, IU narrowly beats out UVa for this year’s inaugural Worst Combined Finish in Revenue Sports “Award”.

There were two other BCS teams that managed to tie the Cavaliers in terms of revenue sports ineptitude. Iowa State finished dead last in the Big 12 in football, but managed to scrape out a 10th place finish in basketball. This ties Virginia’s 11th place average finish in the ACC. There were also Gutie’s beloved Razorbacks, who finished last in the SEC in basketball and tied for last in football. This last place tie in football however was with 3 other teams, so you could say Arkansas tied for 9th in football. Still, it’s not saying much. This earns Arkansas a tie with Virginia and Iowa State for sloppy seconds. But remember, it took Arkansas a miracle 22-yard touchdown catch on 4th down with 22 seconds left by a wide receiver nicknamed “Old Brick Hands” to beat LSU in its final game. Save that play, Arkansas would have joined Indiana as cellar dwellers for both football and basketball. I would have even given the Razor Pigs the gold too, as they would have done it in a 12 team conference to Indiana’s 11. Woooooo Pig Soooey!

I can’t add much March Madness analysis that hasn’t already been said.

But here’s my Final Four if you care: Memphis, Michigan State, Pitt and Oklahoma, with the Sooners beating the Tigers for the title. I believe in the Terminator.

Two lines from Peter King’s column this week that make you want to punch him:

“I think the Patriots are going to have to work on their heart and soul this off-season.”

I thought heart and soul were intangibles that you either had or you didn’t, not something you can work on. Is King telling the Patriots that they have to develop skills that are innate thus impossible to acquire?

Moron.

“I thought I was going to miss Starbucks on this move, because the nearest Starbucks is six to eight blocks away..”

NOOOOOOOO! Not six to *gasp* eight blocks away! Are you crazy???? How would he ever get to it???? That would be at least a 10-minute walk!

Lazy chump.

Jay Cutler is such a baby

Cutler is angry because his new coach won’t tell him that he will never be traded, so what does he do? Demand a trade. Cutler can’t get it through his thick skull that no one in the NFL (or any sport for that matter) is un-tradable. If a team offered the Vikings their every first round pick for the next decade for Adrian Peterson, they would take it in a heartbeat. I used to like Jay Cutler, now he’s just another douche. Oh, this is interesting; Cutler’s agent is Bus Cook…the same guy who represented uber douche Brett Favre. Coincidence? I think not.

Picture 5 Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Coach just put me in timeout. Waaaaaaaahhhhh!

So Austin and I went to the Newseum this weekend. It is, like the name suggest, a museum about news, “where five centuries of news history meets up-to-the-second technology on America’s Main Street.” I know it sounds weird and is hard to describe, but it was actually really cool. One station allowed you to film a fake newscast with a green screen in the background. You could pick a backdrop (Capitol, Washington monument, cherry blossoms, etc.) and a teleprompter would scroll through your lines. I leave you this week with the broadcast I did at the Newseum, where I also added my own little flare to the scripted lines. Enjoy this breaking news. You stay classy San Diego.