In Your Face

It’s official. Tiger Woods made me his personal biotch in capturing his third US Open at Torrey Pines. If you can embarrassingly remember, in my last post I had the following to say about Mr. Woods and his chances heading into the Open.

I predict that Woods will miss the cut or withdraw from the tournament…US Open courses are completely unforgiving, and I think a rusty and gimpy Tiger, even as good as he is, will struggle mightily this weekend in Southern California.

Like the horrendous Vehix commercials, what actually transpired was the exact opposite of what I had thought was going to happen. Of course Tig didn’t withdraw even though he was playing on two stress fractures and a torn ACL (This is so ridiculous. I think I would be too tired to play video games with two stress fractures and a torn ACL, and this guy wins the US Open). And of course Tig didn’t struggle, staying near the top of the leader board for almost the entire tournament and being only one of two people under par for the week. And of course he won the damn thing.

I was actually rooting for Woods unabashedly the whole week, even though he was making me look like a total fool in the process. He’s such an animal that you know he’s going to win, but its insanely riveting all the same.

Playing against Tiger Woods is like guarding Michael Jordan in a playoff game. Can you imagine waking up knowing that you have to go one on one with the most indescribable force ever to hit your sport? As if that wasn’t bad enough, you knew you were going to be embarrassed on national television to boot. What do you think Byron Russell was thinking when he woke up before Game 6 of the 1998 Finals against the Bulls?

Oh crap, I have to guard Michael Jordan, *brushing teeth*, of crap I have to guard Michael Jordan, *shaving*, you’ve got to be kidding that I have to guard Michael Jordan, *eating breakfast*, there’s no way I can guard Michael Jordan, *driving to the arena*, Michael Jordan is going to completely roll train on me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, *stretching*, do you think Michael Jordan even knows my name? Anybody’s name? I wouldn’t bother learning anybody’s name if I was Michael Jordan, because I’d be Michael freaking Jordan, *warm-ups*, shit, there’s Michael Jordan, he knows he’s going to win tonight, and he’s probably going to do it by drilling a shot right in my face, then holding the pose like an extreme badass before turning and getting mobbed by his teammates, *tip-off*, oh crap, I have guard Michael Jordan.

I think if anyone has ever felt the true meaning of helpless, it would be Byron Russell in the waning seconds against the Bulls with 20,000 people in the arena and millions of people around the world knowing that Michael Jordan was about to completely posterize him, and that there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. By the way, Jordan finished with 45 points in Game 6, including the last two over the gutted Russell.

Tiger Woods is at that level in golf. How Rocco Mediate even got out of bed on Monday morning is beyond me. An 18-hole playoff against Tiger Woods? Pffft, no. I’ll cash that second place check and be on my way, thank you very much. The fact that it took an extra hole of sudden death almost makes it worse, because you know you have absolutely no shot the whole time.

All of this was a long winded and roundabout way of saying I was totally wrong and that hurricane force freaks of nature should never be doubted, especially in their prime.

In lesser news, did anyone catch the celebrity US Open group that aired before Sunday’s final round coverage? Justin Timberlake, Tony Romo, Matt Lauer and some other guy played Torrey Pines the week before the tour players did, from the same back tees, to see if a 10 handicap could break 100 on a true US Open course. Leave it to golden boy Tony Romo to shoot a freakin 84. That might be more impressive that Tiger winning the real Open on one leg. An amateur golfer coming in and shooting 12 over? Incredible. This guy is the quarterback of America’s team, dates one of the best looking women on the plant, and shoots an 84 on a US Open course. Not too shabby. I was impressed by Timberlake and Lauer as well, who shot 98 and 100 respectively.

In much lesser news, I saw a guy at a Nats game a couple of weeks ago wearing a Babe Ruth jersey. Something tells me this 45 year old never saw the Bambino play. The guy was an idiot twice over though, as the jersey had the name “Ruth” spelled out above the legendary number 3. The Yankees have never, ever had names on their jerseys in the entire history of the team (Thanks to eminent Oceanliner roommate and Yankee diehard Schling for that one). I don’t know who this guy was trying to fool or what his intentions were, unless maybe he’s just a lunatic.

In hilarious news, two loser-bum ex-NFL players have been involved in drinking related arrests over the past few weeks. Everyone’s favorite convict sibling, Marcus Vick, was arrested in early June when “a uniformed bicycle patrol officer observed Vick and a female involved in an altercation in the car early Friday. When the officer asked for a driver's license, police say Vick sped away but was stopped minutes later.” I would pay a lot of money to see that arrest: Vick speeding away from a bike cop. Being the Vick family lawyer would be a good position to be in, as you know you will have fairly regular work.

The other hilarious alcohol related story involves Cedric Benson, the ex Chicago Bear who has been arrested twice in 2008, once for boating while intoxicated and the other for driving while intoxicated. Benson has been ordered to “install an ignition lock breathalyzer in his car”. Priceless. If I were Benson though, I would try and get DUI’s in as many different vehicles as possible. I mean he’s already got cars and boats; he should now try for motorcycles, horses, tractors and scooters. He could pretend it’s like Bingo. Something to pass the time, when you know, you aren’t in the NFL anymore.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. The Oceanliner just had a very middle school weekend, and it was awesome. I went to a surprise birthday party, played tennis, went bowling and watched a movie. All I needed was Mountain Dew, an acne breakout and a game of Spin the Bottle to complete it. But until next time friends, stay safe, keep it real and hug it out.