Insanity in the Air

Well, it must be that time of year again. The time of year when the people at PETA go:

Man, we haven’t done anything bat shit crazy in a while. Let’s get really riled up and emotional about something really pointless and stupid.

The ridiculous outrage by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals this time is focused on the jockey who rode Eight Belles at the Kentucky Derby this weekend, the horse that had to be put down on the track because she broke her two front ankles after finishing the race. Yes it’sad, kind of. And yes it’s hard to watch. But the PETA people are acting like it’s the end of the world, demanding that jockey Gabriel Saez be suspended and the $400,000 second place prize money be revoked.

There’s no need to delve into the further details of the story and its aftermath. The most frustrating aspect of this PETA outrage story and every other PETA outrage story for me is how much time and resources are wasted on such a pointless cause. Absolutely pointless, compared to what the world really needs volunteering efforts focused on. It is so great that the people at PETA are selfless enough to work for the benefit of others, but so freaking frustrating that they don’t run a homeless shelter, or raise money for fighting disease, or pick up trash or anything that would make the human world a better place. Once we solve human suffering I’m all for looking into ended animal cruelty. But we are about a billion years away from that, and everything PETA does until then is a complete and utter waste of time. Can you imagine if starving Africans in the midst of a civil war heard about an American organization devoted to animal rights?

Animals? Seriously? Those selfish bastards. Why didn’t they start a group called People for the Ethical Treatment of People? Or just give us some food or clothes like normal philanthropists? Seriously, animals? Who cares how that stupid horse died. Can we eat it at least? Oh, it’s being cremated. Animals rights huh? Get outta here. Guess I’ll go back to dying.

I’ve seen the PETA headquarters building in Norfolk and it always makes me think about how all of that money they used to construct the building and run their programs is going right down the toilet. They have so much money and man hours and use it so stupidly. It makes you want to pull your hair out

The most ludicrous aspect of the Eight Belles story is also the most hilarious. PETA contends that the jockey “should have noticed an injury and pulled the horse up instead of applying the whip”. I can only imagine what Saez was thinking when he heard PETA’s accusation:

Should have noticed? What are you, my wife? Is this one of those tricks where you say “I’ll have the chicken alfredo” but you really mean “You should have noticed my emotional fragility last night based on the shade of lipstick I was wearing coupled with the fact that I’m on my period and I talked to my mother last night”. Should have noticed? Lady, I’m a professional jockey. It’s my job to notice those things. The horse broke its ankles after the race, what else do you want me to say?

And that’s all I have to say about that.

In NBA news, Suns coach Mike D’Antoni is rumored to be heading to Chicago next season to be the headman for the Bulls. I personally think it would be a fantastic fit, based on the run and gun style of play that D’Antoni loves to employ on offense and the personnel group he would be inheriting in Chi town. I can definitely see Kirk Hinrich being a poor man’s Steve Nash, although he would have to work on his 3 point shooting percentage over the summer to really thrive in a D’Antoni offense (currently at 37% for his career). Hinrich is 27 years old and if anyone can get the most out of him in his prime, I believe D’Antoni’s the man. Ben Gordon is the perfect lights out shooter for this offense and Luol Deng would finally have a field day as the inside-outside Marion-esque slasher. Throw in Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah as the bigs running the floor and me thinks you have a scary ass team on your hands. (Quick Sidenote: Tyrus Thomas will make the nightly Top 10 every day if he plays for D’Antoni. He might even crack the 2008-09 NBA Volleyball All Stars starting lineup). The Bulls also has the selfless yet productive and effective Drew Gooden to add toughness and rebounding on the inside. A three-man frontcourt rotation of Gooden, Noah and Thomas could be lethal. Throw in Andres Nocioni and high riser Thabo Sefalosha as your back up guard forwards and there’s your 8-man core. The thing is, this team could play some defense too, which would satisfy GM John Paxon. Hinrich is a much better on the ball defender than Nash (Nash’s inability to defend the pick and roll may be why he never wins a championship), Gordon and Deng are quick and we all know Thomas and Noah can be forces on the defensive end. It might take a year for the Baby Bulls to grow up, but I’m getting giddy thinking about what D’Antoni could do in Chicago. Now I just hope it happens.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. But before we go, I’ve got a question for the people out there. Is it creepy to think a 15 year old has a sultry voice? Because I swear, every time I hear the Miley Cyrus “See You Again” song I think to myself “Man that’s a sultry voice”. Is that creepy? Or it may be the fact that I really like that song is creepy. Either way, I don’t think I’m kosher. On that awkward note, stay safe, keep it real and do the dirty bird.

Superman

Oh hero everyone, welcome back. Sorry for the non-posting last week. I know everyone has been checking the Oceanliner hourly waiting for an update and now its here. You will definitely be disappointed, so the joke’s on you. Anyhoo, let’s get right to it.

Without any kind of transition, I went to my first NBA playoff game last week to see Game 3 between the Wizards and Cavaliers, and Austin graciously came with to watch 20,000 people cheer somewhat animatedly about grown men throwing a ball into a hoop. I figured it was a win-win situation no matter who won the game because if the Wizards prevailed, it would be really loud in the arena and the atmosphere would be great, and if the Wizards lost then that probably meant King James put on a clinic and that would be cool to see as well.

So the Wizards went for the “white out” look, where everyone in the stands is supposed to wear white and create a cool illusion. I was very impressed with the Wizards marketing department, as they did not take this white out lightly. Every person that walked into the arena was handed a white towel to wave and there was a white t-shirt sitting on every seat in the whole stadium. Thus even the people that didn’t wear white had something to use. The result was astonishingly cool. Midway through the first quarter the stands were completely packed, and the sight of 20,173 (the official attendance) all in white was very, very cool.

Random Note of Hilarity: During two separate timeouts, the Wizards marketing team handed out free t-shirts…after everyone in the stands already had already received a free t-shirt. During one break they dropped t-shirts on parachutes from the arena catwalks and during another they did a traditional t-shirt toss. Again, everyone who went to the game already had a free t-shirt. I find that hilarious.

The Wizards ended up winning by 36, but it was a gradual blowout, so the arena was not that loud for most of the game. But I would say between 5-10 times the entire stadium was on its feet screaming and waving their towels, and it was freaking awesome to be a part of. An awesome spectacle as well as feeling to be part of a crowd like that. The crowd was incredibly passive when the Wizards were on defense, so that was disappointing. But it was great because every time LeBron touched the ball, the entire crowd starting booing mercilessly. In effect it got the crowd going on defense, which was great, especially when King James missed a shot.

Random Note of Hilarity 2: There were two timeouts during the game where free food was handed out and thrown to the audience. The first was Chipotle burritos and the second was Papa John’s pizzas. It would be the highlight of my year to be at a sporting event and receive a free burrito or personal pan pizza. But alas…

Random Note of Hilarity 2a: …we were sitting in the very last row of the arena, so Austin and I didn’t even come close to getting a free dank burrito or pizza.

Another unexpected highlight of the game was seeing Roger Mason Jr. play well for the Wizards. Mason Jr. is the only UVA player in the League right now, and he poured in 18 points off the bench in 28 minutes. Cool stuff.

Random Note of Hilarity 3: During yet another eventful break from the game, the arena DJ started playing "Crank That” and the jumbotron zoomed in on two young black guys sitting in the front row, who went on to perform the Superman dance. I thought to myself, “Wow, those random black guys can really do that dance well, they must have practiced it a lot”. It was not until the next day when reading the recap did I realize that it was Soulja Boy himself doing his own dance in the front row (he was a guest of Deshawn Stevenson). I felt a little stupid about not recognizing Mr. Boy until eminent roommate Schlingbaum made a good point: in that Soulja Boy is in fact, just some random black guy. And in case any of you needed clarification, this is Soulja Boy (and another random black guy).

Well, that’s it for the coherent part of this week’s post. Now onto random thoughts of the week.

Quick Coffee Thought: I was in Starbucks the other day and heard an order that almost knocked me out. Some guy behind me ordered a “grande half caf no whip skim mocha with room”. Geez, I would have to take a nap after hearing that, much less make it. Also, the Bucks gave me a 15” receipt (yes I measured it) for my order of a medium coffee and a bagel with cream cheese. I thought those bitches claimed they were gong green.

Quick NFL Draft Thought: The Panthers taking Jonathan Stewart in the first round tells me they have no faith in DeAngleo Williams, or he just in fact sucks at football. They took the former Memphis stud with their first round pick (27^th overall) just 2 years ago and Williams is only 25. It would make sense if they wanted to make him their main running back, which is what it looked like when they let Deshaun “First Aid Kit” Foster go. But drafting Stewart with the 13^th! overall pick obviously shows they don’t have faith in Williams to take all of the carries next year. I don’t understand this move at all, especially when they have decent backups in Nick Goings and LeBrandon Toefield. I thought Williams was going to be a stud in the NFL. This makes me think otherwise.

Quick Beer Thought: It saddens me to see that Bud Light is lowering themselves to Miller Lite's level by coming out with Bud Light Lime to counter Miller Chill. This whole “trend” is dumbfounding to me. I was given a free Miller Chill at a bar one night and almost vomited it up immediately. It tasted like limey dog piss. I was hoping that this was just going to be another way in which the Bud family completely whuuuured Miller. But Bud is so paranoid that Miller is doing well with this that they copied each other again. This is the only reason, because Miller Chill tasted sooo bad, and I can’t imagine Bud Light Lime could taste any better.

Quick Beer Thought 2: Bud Light has had a good run, but they need to fire their marketing people. Bud Light Lime? That’s the least creative name. Ever. Even though Miller Chill is a horrible name (can you imagine ordering a Chill at a bar? Immediate ass beating) they at least had the balls to be “creative”. Bud Light Lime? Pffft, more like Bud Light Lame. Heyoooooo!

Quick Draft Thought 2: The Oceanliner’s high school alma mater had a player selected in the Draft, which was pretty sweet. Tim Hightower out of Richmond went to Arizona in the 5^th round. He was a year below me and a stud on the football team obviously. But he was not a guy you would say “man this guy is definitely NFL material". But I’ll take it. This is especially impressive since Episcopal only has like 300 males in the whole school, and now one grad got drafted into the NFL.

Quick Downfall of ESPN Thought: I turned on NFL Live two nights ago and there were 5, count em 5 people in the studio ready to lend their expert analysis. This would be fine for the entire NFL Draft but NFL Live is a 30-minute show! Add in commercials and that’s about 22 minutes for 5 talking heads. I turned it off immediately. Less than 4 ½ minutes per person. I don’t know why ESPN thinks more is better with this, but it’s ruining everything. Because all these want to do is talk over each other, and with 5 people it becomes chaos. You only need 2 people for a half hour show. Add this to growing list of reasons why ESPN is going down the crapper.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Man, its like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A weight of shallow, fairly obvious observations. Anyway, hopefully I will get back in the habit of posting every week. Hope everyone out there is doing well. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and let it ride.

A Farewell to Pett

Amid all of the excitement of the NCAA Tournament, the UVA basketball season quietly came to a close with a 96-85 loss to Bradley in the semi finals of the inaugural College Basketball Invitational. Ryan “Pett” Pettinella’s season long flirtation with the points-fouls Mendoza line finished anything but quietly however. Heading into the ACC Tournament quarterfinals against Georgia Tech, Pett was languishing in a spectacular minus 15 differential between points and fouls. Thus, what unfolded in the next 4 games can only be described as a miracle. Pett went on to go four straight games with more points than fouls. To put this in perspective, Pett had never gone more than two games in a row in this entire season with more points than fouls. But not only was it four straight games with more points than fouls, it was by a significant margin. Pett went an astounding plus 12 in those last 4 games to cut his season deficit to only 3! As unbelievable as is it to say, Pett had a really good chance to get into positive numbers if the Cavs had made it to the CBI final. Pett went for 17 points in those last four games, which is a mind boggling 22% of his season total. But it had to come to an end at some point. And with the season officially over, we can close the books on the first Oceanliner original feature.

Pett points in 2007-2008: 77

Pett fouls in 2007-2008: 80

But as we delve into his entire seasons statistics, more crazy shit comes to light:

For one, I also should have been following Pett’s fouls to rebounds ratio. Incredibly, Pett finished the season with 81 rebounds, just one more than the amount of fouls he committed. Hey, at least you can say his scoring/fouling/rebounding were consistent. Whether this was consistently terrible or not is a whole other discussion.

For the season, Pett averaged .19 fouls per minute. Or put another way, Pett committed a foul every 5 minutes and 9 seconds he was on the floor. That means in theory Pett could never play an entire game, and its not even close. He should foul out in just over 25 minutes, which is hilarious. People wonder about his minutes, but Pett couldn’t have played more if he wanted to because he’d be out of the game.

As an astounding rejoinder to the last example, Pett only fouled out of a game twice on the entire season! What’s even more ridiculous is that Pett committed 4 fouls in a game 10 times. Either Pett was just stupidly good at not picking up that last foul or Leitao had a policy of yanking Pett every time he reached that threshold.

I don’t know if this is telling of Pett’s remarkable nose for the offensive glass or atrocious overall rebounding but he finished the season with 42 defensive rebounds and 39 offensive rebounds. Perplexing.

This was obvious anyway, but Pett would make a horrible point guard. He finished the season with 21 turnovers to just 5 assists for a stunning .23 assist to turnover ratio.

We have reached the most remarkable stats of all, hidden gems that define why Pett finished the season with more fouls than points. First a good stat: Pett shot 59% from the field this year, which is superb. Seriously, that’s really good. Pett’s performance from the free throw line however, would make Rick Barry have nightmares. Dude shot 25.7% from the charity stripe this year. This is not a misprint. Memphis as a team shot more than double Pett’s percentage on free throws and they were lambasted for poor performance at the line. 25.7%. Good. God. What’s even more hilarious is that you can say this true sentence about Pett’s season:

Man, if Pett had managed to shoot 38% from the line this season, he would have finished with more points than fouls

People who have never seen Pett shoot a free throw have to appalled by his historically bad performance at the line. But for those of us who are unfortunate enough to have witnessed Pett’s train-wreck of a free throw, it’s amazing that 25.7% of them went in at all. Still, when you are lamenting the fact that a 40% free throw percentage would have gotten you over a major hump, its time to go back to the drawing board.

Ryan Pettinella’s UVA career is thankfully over after two years. And while it may seem like UVA basketball will be in a free fall mode with the departure of Singletary, we do have some good talent coming in, highlighted by McDonald’s All-American small forward Sylven Landesberg. So there is some hope on the horizon with Diane (if he can finally be consistent), Calvin Baker (a solid ball handler and confident player), Jamil Tucker (who really started playing well and getting comfortable towards the end of the season. In the last 8 games of the season, Tucker scored in double figured 4 times and averaged just over 5 rebounds a game), Mike Scott (who also played better as the season went on) and of course Lars anchoring the middle as a senior. If Jeff Jones can become a reliable shooter at the 2 spot, the Cavs can have a pretty good season next year. Of course, everything could go to hell and we could suck. But hopefully that’s what this season was and we are on our way back up.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I went to Nationals Park last Sunday and saw the Nats take down the Bravos, which was awesome. The stadium is simply amazing. Anyone that has the time needs to come to DC and go to a game with the Oceanliner. And if you are in the area, give me a call because I will go anytime. It’s gorgeous. Until next time then, stay safe, keep it real and fire up those grills.

Eliminated

I’m so glad the NCAA title game was close and entertaining. After a tournament chock full of mediocre contests, it’s so fulfilling that the last game of the season was so memorable and not a dud that would leave a bad taste of a blowout or bad basketball in your mouth. It’s definitely sad that we won’t have college rock for another 7-8 months, but at least it ended with a thrilling finish that will leave us a positive memory of the 2007-2008 season while we endure the cruel dog days of late summer regular season baseball. It’s definitely better than the way the college football season ended; with a blowout game featuring two teams many people doubted even deserved to be playing for the national championship anyway.

I’m not going to do much title game analysis, because better writers than I have already done so at great length. I will pat myself on the back however for the enormous success of the first ever edition of the Eliminator. Obviously, I’m not the only one that said poor free throw shooting could doom Memphis in the Tournament, but I did say it way back in February. In fact, Memphis was the first team I Eliminated, and one of the reasons I came up with the idea in the first place. If you will walk with me down memory lane, this is what I said about the Tigers on February 29^th:

You can’t win 6 straight Tourney games shooting the rock like that at the line. They may make a run to the Elite 8 or Final 4, but there’s no way Memphis win’s the title.

Thank you, thank you very much. Obviously the Eliminator wasn’t perfect though, as I only narrowed it down to four teams (Kansas, Carolina, Tennessee and Texas) and I was way off on my title pick (the Longhorns). But it was helpful in narrowing down which teams I would eventually pick to win it all, and I will definitely continue to do so in the future.

Some brief thoughts on the two Final Four games…

Concerning the Memphis-UCLA game, the Oceanliner would like to give credit to Billy Packer for his post-game analysis. I realize he can be a moron on occasion/often, but there are times when he is very astute and it comes through that he may actually be earning some of his pay. As the clock was winding down on the Memphis victory, Vanilla Nance asked Packer why the Tigers had pulled away. Billy responded with something along the lines of:

Well Jim, I thought the whole key to the game was UCLA not taking advantage of the foul trouble of the Memphis big men in the second half. Right after halftime, both Dorsey and Taggert had 3 fouls apiece and UCLA should have fed the ball to Love every chance they got. The Bruins missed a golden opportunity to feed the ball to their best post player and further the Memphis bigs’ foul trouble.

In my opinion, this was absolutely spot on. I even remember throughout the second half, whenever UCLA was bringing the ball up the floor, Packer would say “They need to feed the ball to Love in the post if they want to get back into this game”. This strategy error by UCLA is especially glaring when you look at what Kansas did to Memphis in the championship game, when they scored 44 of their 75 points from the paint.

Concerning the Carolina-Kansas game, for the first 15 minutes it looked like the basketball gods were tea bagging Gutie right in the face in emphatic style, laying a 40-12 smack down on his Tar Heels in response to the Wealth Manager’s inexplicable arrogance and stupidity. Then, to give Gutie a little hope, they let Carolina back within 4, but then promptly shoved their nuts in his face again for an easy 18-point win. I think a lesson has been learned here my friends.

One thing puzzled me while looking at the Carolina-Kansas box score, and that was the stat line for Marcus Ginyard:

32 minutes, 0-3 FG, 0 points, 3 rebounds, 2 assists, 1 foul, 1 turnover, 0 blocks, 0 steals

It begs the question of what he was actually doing when he was on the court. I mean literally, what was he doing. I did a double take when I saw he had played for 32 minutes, because I hadn’t remembered hearing his name or seeing him the entire game, and I watched the whole thing. He only did 10 things all game, and he was in for 32 freakin minutes. Generously assuming that it takes 1 minute to do “something” in a basketball game, that still means Ginyard was a ghost for 22 minutes. He neither helped (no points, 3 boards, 2 assists, 0 blocks, 0 steals) nor hurt (1 foul, 1 turnover) the Tar Heels at all. So I’m still wondering, what (literally) did Marcus Ginyard do when he was on the floor against Kansas?

Well that’s it for this week folks. I am very excited about this weekend, as the Oceanliner is making his debut at the brand spanking new Nationals Park. Eminent roommate Schlingbaum got tickets from his pops and the Ribrary Courts triumvirate will be watching the Nats take on the Bravos on Sunday afternoon. I can’t wait. Until next time friends, same Oceanliner time, same Oceanliner channel.

My Better is Better Than Your Better

Not only is this the tagline to the awesome series of Nike commercials that are currently running, but "My Better is Better Than Your Better" should also be the tagline to this year's Final Four. All year long these four juggernaut teams have been showing the country why their better is better than everyone else’s better. North Carolina, Memphis, UCLA and Kansas all won their conference regular season and their conference tournaments. They are a combined 143-8. These four teams are so loaded it’s not even funny. The number NBA players on these four rosters is staggering: Derrick Rose, Joey Dorsey, Chris Douglas Roberts, Kevin Love, Darren Collison, Russell Westbrook, Josh Shipp, Ty Lawson, Tyler Hansbrough, Wayne Ellington, Danny Green, Brandon Rush, Mario Chalmers, Darrell Arthur, Darnell Jackson…the list is absolutely ridiculous. This doesn’t even include bigs like Dean Thompson, Alex Stepheson, Sasha Kaun and Robert Dozier who could end up being serviceable post men in the Association some day. I wrote in an earlier post that this was a top-heavy tournament, but good God, I never expected it to be this lopsided. These Final Four teams hammer their opponents into submission and then keep going.

Your agility owes my agility 20 bucks

Agility is just part of what Memphis used to completely dominate a pathetic looking Texas team, who were the Oceanliner’s pick to cut down the nets. How’s that working out for me? The Memphis team is comprised of absolute freaks of nature, but they are also ridiculously good at basketball. Simply put, Derrick Rose and Chris Douglas Roberts manhandled the undersized DJ Augustin and AJ Abrams of the Longhorns. It was a joke. Rose and D-R were so much bigger, so much stronger and yet still just as quick as the helpless Texas backcourt. It was men playing against toddlers on the perimeter. Then you look inside and it was just as mismatched. Joey Dorsey vs. Connor Atchley? Please. Dorsey is one of the most jacked players in the country and threw Atchley around like a rag doll. Seriously, when Dorsey took his shirt off after the game his back and shoulder muscles were bulging out of his body. He looked like a freak defensive end and not a power forward. That dude is scary as hell. He is definitely part of the Adrian Joseph and Latrell Spreewell mold that makes you think, “Man, it really wouldn’t surprise me if this guy stabbed someone before the game.”

My quick smells like French toast

Quick is Ty Lawson exploding up and down the floor for Carolina. With Lawson at the point the Tar Heels are the fastest team in the country and run circles around the competition, if you can call it that. The rest of the team isn’t exactly a bunch of slouches either. We all know about Hansbrough, Ellington and Green, but its not like Thompson, Stepheson, Marcus Ginyard and Will Graves suck either. They would be dominant starters at most other schools. No, it’s just Quentin “Human Turnover Machine” Thomas that sucks. Seriously, he’s really bad.

There is one thing that should make Carolina fans worry however, and that is one of their own openly flaunting the basketball gods. I received a text from the Wealth Manager during the Washington State game that read:

Nobody can hang with the heels...i love it

Gutie was walking the fine line between confidence and cockiness, so I decided to be of help and replied

The bball gods dont like arrogance, id be careful

Apparently Gutie isn’t one to believe in karma, as he replied with a slap in the face of Zeus himself:

I defy the bball gods...mark my words

Such pompousness, such gall! Such flaunting of the established code of basketball ethics and fanhood! If the Tar Heels lose, we will obviously know why. Gutie’s brash and callous text angered those deities high on basketball’s Mount Olympus, and they responded accordingly.

My speed is already watching the next commercial

Speed and strength on defense is why Kansas held off a tough Davidson team. The Jayhawk defense on Stephen Curry in limiting him to 9-25 shooting was the difference. This was especially evident on the last possession, where the Kansas guards refused to let Curry get even a sliver of a glimpse at the basket, forcing him to give up the last shot to Jason Richards, who bricked horrendously from 25 feet.

This stellar perimeter defense will be imperative for Kansas against Lawson and North Carolina. But the match up I’m most looking forward to from the Carolina-Kansas game is one that may not even happen but I’m praying it does: Brandon Rush vs. Danny Green. Both these guys are so polished, so smooth, so quick, so athletic and so good that it would be a treat to see them go at it for hopefully much of the game. I don’t know how the two teams will match up defensively, but a Rush v Green battle would be amazing as a basketball fan.

Your speed moves like a gravy boat

I don’t have anything on the UCLA-Xavier game, mostly because I didn’t watch it. But I did want to add this extra line from the Nike commercial, because it is great.

All in all, let’s hope this Final Four lives up to the hype, because the games really haven’t been that great. But maybe everything was just building to three of the most mind bogglingly good games we’ve ever seen. I for one, can’t wait.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. If you are not planning to watch the Final Four this weekend, well you can either change plans to do so or stop reading this brog. Hope everyone out there is doing well. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and go Nats.