1st 1/2 '08 NVBSAS

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the Oceanliner is proud to present the 1^st ½ ’08 NVBSAS! For those of you how aren’t down with the lingo around here, this expands out to the First Half of 2008 Northern Virginia Bumper Sticker All Stars. These are decals, vanity plates and road signs that I have actually seen that make me laugh, cry, cringe or go ballistic. And so, in no particular order, lets get right into it.

Maybe the Hokey Pokey IS What It's All About!

*Hanging my head in shame*. As I referenced in my last post, this is one of those times where you want to sit down with the person who's car this is and interview them to determine whether they actually think this is a clever statement or they are just playing a cruel joke on the world by subjecting people to this corniness. If they actually think this is witty, my faith in humanity goes down even more.

Popularity is a Socially Transmitted Disease

*Slamming my head into a table*. This person must be friends with the guy who has the Hokey Pokey bumper sticker. But it gets worse, on this same car reads the following embarrassment:

Pimpin Ain't Easy

*Too angry to hurt my head*. I can at least see the appeal of a witty phrase. The Popularity sticker was an attempt at a witty phrase that failed horribly, but at least I see the intent. This one however is just too painful to deal with. So corny, so embarrassing, so unnecessary. Who are these people?

Blackwater USA

Wow, ballsy move by this guy. This is like the anti conversation starter of a bumper sticker. This is an "I'm gonna take the next exit even though its not where we are going" inducing bumper sticker if you see it. I hope there's not a laser on my forehead as I write this...

I Heart Just Plain Joe!

Am I missing something ? Is there a craze going on for the Midwestern simpleton? Women, help me out here.

Tree Hugging Dirt Worshipper

This woman did not pass Subtlety 101. Some great inadvertent irony though as she's not worshiping much dirt as she drives around in her CAR!

Fun Boot Camp For Women!

This was actually a sign I saw on the side of the road and not a bumper sticker. I can't even imagine the kind of women that would go to that. Buzz, your girlfriend...woof!

The More I Men I Meet, The More I Love My Cat

Hilarious. My fellow men and I are all devastated. You really zinged us with that one. *Trying to rub migraine out of skull*

I Love My Kids Whether Or Not They're Honor Students

Finally, a bumper sticker I agree with that also zings some loser parents out there. On the other hand, we all know this guy's kids are stupid as hell.

Well, that's the rundown on bumper stickers for the first half of '08. I'd love to hear of any turrible bumper stickers, vanity plates and road sings yall have seen out there. The more the merrier. The Oceanliner is very excited about Memorial Day Weekend. Possible plans include hiking, golf, a cookout and a the Nats game on Monday. I hope everyone out there has great plans for the weekend as well. So until next time, stay safe, keep it real and don't forget the fire sauce.

Literally

Everyone knows how much I like to rant on seemingly pointless and inconsequential aspects of life. Well folks, a recent TV commercial has riled up the Oceanliner’s engines, and now I can’t stop this banter from coming out. I get mad when I see things on TV that make no sense. It makes me want to sit down with the people that write these horrible scripts, come up with these awful ideas, and allow them to fly across our national airwaves. I want to shake these people and scream at them,

Are you serious with this crap??? Do you actually find this funny, witty, poignant, hard hitting or amusing??? Or is this some kind of sick joke and power satisfaction that you can succeed in putting this garbage on TV???

Part of me almost hopes it’s the latter, so that at least I know people don’t actually believe in some of the stuff they come up with, say write and produce. These terrible ideas can turn into shows, movies, services or products. There are countless examples of them all where you think,

This is lunacy. How many people had to approve of this terrible idea before it was official? This idea should have been killed the moment it was thought, and somehow its now real? How did this happen?

The most recent blood pressure raising example is a commercial for the esteemed online car store, Vehix.com, and their newest gimmick, the “video test drive”. This where you can log on to the site and watch a video of someone else driving a car from the drivers perspective. We can debate the worthlessness of this feature another time, but now let’s move on to the commercial.

It opens with this middle-aged woman sitting and hanging the trunk of her car with a really stupid looking hat on and she says

You can go to Vehix.com and literally take a test drive with their video test drive tool

Unh uh honey, no. It doesn’t work like that Vehix.com. A literal test drive would be exactly that, a person getting in the car and driving it. A video test drive is a fairytale; there is nothing literal about it. It’s completely fake. It is the exact opposite of a test drive in fact; watching a video on your computer instead of physically driving a car. Later in the commercial they cut back to the bowling hat lady and she says,

You are practically in the car.

You can’t get away with Busch league garbage like that Vehix.com. You can’t offer a literal service and then not offer it and instead provide a proxy. Other companies can’t and won’t do this. Imagine if a sky diving operation ran a commercial like that;

Come check out our website where you can use try our “sky dive video approximation” and literally be skydiving!

Or this:

Hey there! Welcome to BrazilianFartFetishPorn.com, where you can literally get laid! You can practically feel the farts hitting your face!

Sorry, but the world doesn’t work like that Vehix.com. The only thing that can be determined for sure from that commercial is that the marketing people at Vehix are literally retarded and that credibility for their company is practically nothing.

Wheeeuuu. Glad to get that out of the way. Now onto random sports thoughts of the week.

After the NFL Draft, I went back and checked out the first rounds of years past, both as a matter of curiosity and to see which prospects panned out and which were horrific failures. The most interesting thing I stumbled upon though was how freaking loaded the 2004 first round draft class was. It’s mind-boggling. The following list of players were all taken in the first 32 picks back in ’04:

Eli Manning

Larry Fitzgerald

Philip Rivers

Sean Taylor

Kellen Winslow

Roy Williams (the WR)

DeAngelo Hall

Ben Roethlisberger

Jonathan Vilma

Lee Evans

Tommie Harris

Will Smith

Vince Wilfork

Steven Jackson

Kevin Jones

Ben Watson

It’s a staggering list. Two of the three quarterbacks taken in the first round have won Super Bowls. The other (Rivers) has been to the AFC Title Game. 13 of them have gone on to the Pro Bowl, including 8 of the first 12 selections. I don’t know whether there was just more talent coming out of college that year or GM’s just had a great year of tabbing the best players, but it was a loaded first round. I wish it turned out to be like that every year. Then GM’s could maybe convince the public they know what they are doing.

Puzzling Judgment/Use of Resources Note of the Week: The Thursday morning front page of ESPN.com featured side-by-side pictures of Kobe Bryant and Kevin Garnett with a caption that read “Good to be Home”. The story was about how the Lakers and Celtics are both 12-0 at home during this year’s playoffs. It’s quite puzzling then at the pictures they chose to run with of KG and Kobe:

Could ESPN have picked two more awkward pictures? I hink not. Kobe looks like he is about to cry. In fact, it looks like the last thing in the world he is thinking about is the game he’s actually playing in. KG doesn’t look very graceful either, with a pose that looks like a cross between him bullfighting and pinching out a loaf. It’s just a little odd to me that out of the thousands of pictures ESPN had at their fingertips to put alongside that story, that this is what they chose.

Women’s Sports Note of the Week: Anika Sorenstam announced earlier this week that she is retiring from the LPGA at the end of the season. The Oceanliner wishes her well as she leaves the game after having an illustrious career. While reading the story related to her retirement on ESPN.com, I was shocked by one paragraph midway through the article,

Sorenstam dominated women's golf like few others, especially during a five-year period when she won 43 times and finished among the top three nearly 70 percent of the time. But for all her achievements -- the only woman to shoot 59, winning 10 majors and one of six women to complete the career Grand Slam -- she became most famous for testing herself against the men.

I was stunned at how shallow and insensitive the ending of that paragraph was. To demean Sorenstam’s great career with a jab at her being more famous for playing one tournament with the men than kicking ridiculous amounts of ass on the women’s tour. Maybe it’s because I’m a sports nut and know how good she is on the LPGA Tour, but I had honestly forgotten about her appearance at the Colonial in 2003. The first thing I think of when I hear Anika Sorenstam’s name is her sheer dominance on the women’s golfing circuit, then her text message friendship with Tiger Woods (where they would jab at each other for every major they would win), and then the fact that she kind of looks like a mouse. To me, the fact that she competed against the men is the last line in her bio, as a kind of anecdote. Certainly not the watershed moment of her career. Not in my mind at least.

That paragraph angers me for another reason; that the story is attributed not to a single writer but just as an Associated Press Story. It is one thing if an opinion piece made the case that Sorenstam’s defining moment was playing against the men in 2003. At least there it’s one person’s opinion and they can defend it. This anonymous AP story writes the paragraph as if its fact and that nothing can be done about it. It’s inappropriate and a coward move. I’m definitely not the biggest proponent of women’s sports, but this was a cheap shot.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I hope everyone out there is doing well as glorious summer approaches. As always, give me a shout if you are going to be in the DC area and we can chillax. Until next time though, stay safe, keep it real and stuff your sorry’s in a sack.

Insanity in the Air

Well, it must be that time of year again. The time of year when the people at PETA go:

Man, we haven’t done anything bat shit crazy in a while. Let’s get really riled up and emotional about something really pointless and stupid.

The ridiculous outrage by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals this time is focused on the jockey who rode Eight Belles at the Kentucky Derby this weekend, the horse that had to be put down on the track because she broke her two front ankles after finishing the race. Yes it’sad, kind of. And yes it’s hard to watch. But the PETA people are acting like it’s the end of the world, demanding that jockey Gabriel Saez be suspended and the $400,000 second place prize money be revoked.

There’s no need to delve into the further details of the story and its aftermath. The most frustrating aspect of this PETA outrage story and every other PETA outrage story for me is how much time and resources are wasted on such a pointless cause. Absolutely pointless, compared to what the world really needs volunteering efforts focused on. It is so great that the people at PETA are selfless enough to work for the benefit of others, but so freaking frustrating that they don’t run a homeless shelter, or raise money for fighting disease, or pick up trash or anything that would make the human world a better place. Once we solve human suffering I’m all for looking into ended animal cruelty. But we are about a billion years away from that, and everything PETA does until then is a complete and utter waste of time. Can you imagine if starving Africans in the midst of a civil war heard about an American organization devoted to animal rights?

Animals? Seriously? Those selfish bastards. Why didn’t they start a group called People for the Ethical Treatment of People? Or just give us some food or clothes like normal philanthropists? Seriously, animals? Who cares how that stupid horse died. Can we eat it at least? Oh, it’s being cremated. Animals rights huh? Get outta here. Guess I’ll go back to dying.

I’ve seen the PETA headquarters building in Norfolk and it always makes me think about how all of that money they used to construct the building and run their programs is going right down the toilet. They have so much money and man hours and use it so stupidly. It makes you want to pull your hair out

The most ludicrous aspect of the Eight Belles story is also the most hilarious. PETA contends that the jockey “should have noticed an injury and pulled the horse up instead of applying the whip”. I can only imagine what Saez was thinking when he heard PETA’s accusation:

Should have noticed? What are you, my wife? Is this one of those tricks where you say “I’ll have the chicken alfredo” but you really mean “You should have noticed my emotional fragility last night based on the shade of lipstick I was wearing coupled with the fact that I’m on my period and I talked to my mother last night”. Should have noticed? Lady, I’m a professional jockey. It’s my job to notice those things. The horse broke its ankles after the race, what else do you want me to say?

And that’s all I have to say about that.

In NBA news, Suns coach Mike D’Antoni is rumored to be heading to Chicago next season to be the headman for the Bulls. I personally think it would be a fantastic fit, based on the run and gun style of play that D’Antoni loves to employ on offense and the personnel group he would be inheriting in Chi town. I can definitely see Kirk Hinrich being a poor man’s Steve Nash, although he would have to work on his 3 point shooting percentage over the summer to really thrive in a D’Antoni offense (currently at 37% for his career). Hinrich is 27 years old and if anyone can get the most out of him in his prime, I believe D’Antoni’s the man. Ben Gordon is the perfect lights out shooter for this offense and Luol Deng would finally have a field day as the inside-outside Marion-esque slasher. Throw in Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah as the bigs running the floor and me thinks you have a scary ass team on your hands. (Quick Sidenote: Tyrus Thomas will make the nightly Top 10 every day if he plays for D’Antoni. He might even crack the 2008-09 NBA Volleyball All Stars starting lineup). The Bulls also has the selfless yet productive and effective Drew Gooden to add toughness and rebounding on the inside. A three-man frontcourt rotation of Gooden, Noah and Thomas could be lethal. Throw in Andres Nocioni and high riser Thabo Sefalosha as your back up guard forwards and there’s your 8-man core. The thing is, this team could play some defense too, which would satisfy GM John Paxon. Hinrich is a much better on the ball defender than Nash (Nash’s inability to defend the pick and roll may be why he never wins a championship), Gordon and Deng are quick and we all know Thomas and Noah can be forces on the defensive end. It might take a year for the Baby Bulls to grow up, but I’m getting giddy thinking about what D’Antoni could do in Chicago. Now I just hope it happens.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. But before we go, I’ve got a question for the people out there. Is it creepy to think a 15 year old has a sultry voice? Because I swear, every time I hear the Miley Cyrus “See You Again” song I think to myself “Man that’s a sultry voice”. Is that creepy? Or it may be the fact that I really like that song is creepy. Either way, I don’t think I’m kosher. On that awkward note, stay safe, keep it real and do the dirty bird.

Superman

Oh hero everyone, welcome back. Sorry for the non-posting last week. I know everyone has been checking the Oceanliner hourly waiting for an update and now its here. You will definitely be disappointed, so the joke’s on you. Anyhoo, let’s get right to it.

Without any kind of transition, I went to my first NBA playoff game last week to see Game 3 between the Wizards and Cavaliers, and Austin graciously came with to watch 20,000 people cheer somewhat animatedly about grown men throwing a ball into a hoop. I figured it was a win-win situation no matter who won the game because if the Wizards prevailed, it would be really loud in the arena and the atmosphere would be great, and if the Wizards lost then that probably meant King James put on a clinic and that would be cool to see as well.

So the Wizards went for the “white out” look, where everyone in the stands is supposed to wear white and create a cool illusion. I was very impressed with the Wizards marketing department, as they did not take this white out lightly. Every person that walked into the arena was handed a white towel to wave and there was a white t-shirt sitting on every seat in the whole stadium. Thus even the people that didn’t wear white had something to use. The result was astonishingly cool. Midway through the first quarter the stands were completely packed, and the sight of 20,173 (the official attendance) all in white was very, very cool.

Random Note of Hilarity: During two separate timeouts, the Wizards marketing team handed out free t-shirts…after everyone in the stands already had already received a free t-shirt. During one break they dropped t-shirts on parachutes from the arena catwalks and during another they did a traditional t-shirt toss. Again, everyone who went to the game already had a free t-shirt. I find that hilarious.

The Wizards ended up winning by 36, but it was a gradual blowout, so the arena was not that loud for most of the game. But I would say between 5-10 times the entire stadium was on its feet screaming and waving their towels, and it was freaking awesome to be a part of. An awesome spectacle as well as feeling to be part of a crowd like that. The crowd was incredibly passive when the Wizards were on defense, so that was disappointing. But it was great because every time LeBron touched the ball, the entire crowd starting booing mercilessly. In effect it got the crowd going on defense, which was great, especially when King James missed a shot.

Random Note of Hilarity 2: There were two timeouts during the game where free food was handed out and thrown to the audience. The first was Chipotle burritos and the second was Papa John’s pizzas. It would be the highlight of my year to be at a sporting event and receive a free burrito or personal pan pizza. But alas…

Random Note of Hilarity 2a: …we were sitting in the very last row of the arena, so Austin and I didn’t even come close to getting a free dank burrito or pizza.

Another unexpected highlight of the game was seeing Roger Mason Jr. play well for the Wizards. Mason Jr. is the only UVA player in the League right now, and he poured in 18 points off the bench in 28 minutes. Cool stuff.

Random Note of Hilarity 3: During yet another eventful break from the game, the arena DJ started playing "Crank That” and the jumbotron zoomed in on two young black guys sitting in the front row, who went on to perform the Superman dance. I thought to myself, “Wow, those random black guys can really do that dance well, they must have practiced it a lot”. It was not until the next day when reading the recap did I realize that it was Soulja Boy himself doing his own dance in the front row (he was a guest of Deshawn Stevenson). I felt a little stupid about not recognizing Mr. Boy until eminent roommate Schlingbaum made a good point: in that Soulja Boy is in fact, just some random black guy. And in case any of you needed clarification, this is Soulja Boy (and another random black guy).

Well, that’s it for the coherent part of this week’s post. Now onto random thoughts of the week.

Quick Coffee Thought: I was in Starbucks the other day and heard an order that almost knocked me out. Some guy behind me ordered a “grande half caf no whip skim mocha with room”. Geez, I would have to take a nap after hearing that, much less make it. Also, the Bucks gave me a 15” receipt (yes I measured it) for my order of a medium coffee and a bagel with cream cheese. I thought those bitches claimed they were gong green.

Quick NFL Draft Thought: The Panthers taking Jonathan Stewart in the first round tells me they have no faith in DeAngleo Williams, or he just in fact sucks at football. They took the former Memphis stud with their first round pick (27^th overall) just 2 years ago and Williams is only 25. It would make sense if they wanted to make him their main running back, which is what it looked like when they let Deshaun “First Aid Kit” Foster go. But drafting Stewart with the 13^th! overall pick obviously shows they don’t have faith in Williams to take all of the carries next year. I don’t understand this move at all, especially when they have decent backups in Nick Goings and LeBrandon Toefield. I thought Williams was going to be a stud in the NFL. This makes me think otherwise.

Quick Beer Thought: It saddens me to see that Bud Light is lowering themselves to Miller Lite's level by coming out with Bud Light Lime to counter Miller Chill. This whole “trend” is dumbfounding to me. I was given a free Miller Chill at a bar one night and almost vomited it up immediately. It tasted like limey dog piss. I was hoping that this was just going to be another way in which the Bud family completely whuuuured Miller. But Bud is so paranoid that Miller is doing well with this that they copied each other again. This is the only reason, because Miller Chill tasted sooo bad, and I can’t imagine Bud Light Lime could taste any better.

Quick Beer Thought 2: Bud Light has had a good run, but they need to fire their marketing people. Bud Light Lime? That’s the least creative name. Ever. Even though Miller Chill is a horrible name (can you imagine ordering a Chill at a bar? Immediate ass beating) they at least had the balls to be “creative”. Bud Light Lime? Pffft, more like Bud Light Lame. Heyoooooo!

Quick Draft Thought 2: The Oceanliner’s high school alma mater had a player selected in the Draft, which was pretty sweet. Tim Hightower out of Richmond went to Arizona in the 5^th round. He was a year below me and a stud on the football team obviously. But he was not a guy you would say “man this guy is definitely NFL material". But I’ll take it. This is especially impressive since Episcopal only has like 300 males in the whole school, and now one grad got drafted into the NFL.

Quick Downfall of ESPN Thought: I turned on NFL Live two nights ago and there were 5, count em 5 people in the studio ready to lend their expert analysis. This would be fine for the entire NFL Draft but NFL Live is a 30-minute show! Add in commercials and that’s about 22 minutes for 5 talking heads. I turned it off immediately. Less than 4 ½ minutes per person. I don’t know why ESPN thinks more is better with this, but it’s ruining everything. Because all these want to do is talk over each other, and with 5 people it becomes chaos. You only need 2 people for a half hour show. Add this to growing list of reasons why ESPN is going down the crapper.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. Man, its like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A weight of shallow, fairly obvious observations. Anyway, hopefully I will get back in the habit of posting every week. Hope everyone out there is doing well. Until next time, stay safe, keep it real and let it ride.

A Farewell to Pett

Amid all of the excitement of the NCAA Tournament, the UVA basketball season quietly came to a close with a 96-85 loss to Bradley in the semi finals of the inaugural College Basketball Invitational. Ryan “Pett” Pettinella’s season long flirtation with the points-fouls Mendoza line finished anything but quietly however. Heading into the ACC Tournament quarterfinals against Georgia Tech, Pett was languishing in a spectacular minus 15 differential between points and fouls. Thus, what unfolded in the next 4 games can only be described as a miracle. Pett went on to go four straight games with more points than fouls. To put this in perspective, Pett had never gone more than two games in a row in this entire season with more points than fouls. But not only was it four straight games with more points than fouls, it was by a significant margin. Pett went an astounding plus 12 in those last 4 games to cut his season deficit to only 3! As unbelievable as is it to say, Pett had a really good chance to get into positive numbers if the Cavs had made it to the CBI final. Pett went for 17 points in those last four games, which is a mind boggling 22% of his season total. But it had to come to an end at some point. And with the season officially over, we can close the books on the first Oceanliner original feature.

Pett points in 2007-2008: 77

Pett fouls in 2007-2008: 80

But as we delve into his entire seasons statistics, more crazy shit comes to light:

For one, I also should have been following Pett’s fouls to rebounds ratio. Incredibly, Pett finished the season with 81 rebounds, just one more than the amount of fouls he committed. Hey, at least you can say his scoring/fouling/rebounding were consistent. Whether this was consistently terrible or not is a whole other discussion.

For the season, Pett averaged .19 fouls per minute. Or put another way, Pett committed a foul every 5 minutes and 9 seconds he was on the floor. That means in theory Pett could never play an entire game, and its not even close. He should foul out in just over 25 minutes, which is hilarious. People wonder about his minutes, but Pett couldn’t have played more if he wanted to because he’d be out of the game.

As an astounding rejoinder to the last example, Pett only fouled out of a game twice on the entire season! What’s even more ridiculous is that Pett committed 4 fouls in a game 10 times. Either Pett was just stupidly good at not picking up that last foul or Leitao had a policy of yanking Pett every time he reached that threshold.

I don’t know if this is telling of Pett’s remarkable nose for the offensive glass or atrocious overall rebounding but he finished the season with 42 defensive rebounds and 39 offensive rebounds. Perplexing.

This was obvious anyway, but Pett would make a horrible point guard. He finished the season with 21 turnovers to just 5 assists for a stunning .23 assist to turnover ratio.

We have reached the most remarkable stats of all, hidden gems that define why Pett finished the season with more fouls than points. First a good stat: Pett shot 59% from the field this year, which is superb. Seriously, that’s really good. Pett’s performance from the free throw line however, would make Rick Barry have nightmares. Dude shot 25.7% from the charity stripe this year. This is not a misprint. Memphis as a team shot more than double Pett’s percentage on free throws and they were lambasted for poor performance at the line. 25.7%. Good. God. What’s even more hilarious is that you can say this true sentence about Pett’s season:

Man, if Pett had managed to shoot 38% from the line this season, he would have finished with more points than fouls

People who have never seen Pett shoot a free throw have to appalled by his historically bad performance at the line. But for those of us who are unfortunate enough to have witnessed Pett’s train-wreck of a free throw, it’s amazing that 25.7% of them went in at all. Still, when you are lamenting the fact that a 40% free throw percentage would have gotten you over a major hump, its time to go back to the drawing board.

Ryan Pettinella’s UVA career is thankfully over after two years. And while it may seem like UVA basketball will be in a free fall mode with the departure of Singletary, we do have some good talent coming in, highlighted by McDonald’s All-American small forward Sylven Landesberg. So there is some hope on the horizon with Diane (if he can finally be consistent), Calvin Baker (a solid ball handler and confident player), Jamil Tucker (who really started playing well and getting comfortable towards the end of the season. In the last 8 games of the season, Tucker scored in double figured 4 times and averaged just over 5 rebounds a game), Mike Scott (who also played better as the season went on) and of course Lars anchoring the middle as a senior. If Jeff Jones can become a reliable shooter at the 2 spot, the Cavs can have a pretty good season next year. Of course, everything could go to hell and we could suck. But hopefully that’s what this season was and we are on our way back up.

Well, that’s it for this week folks. I went to Nationals Park last Sunday and saw the Nats take down the Bravos, which was awesome. The stadium is simply amazing. Anyone that has the time needs to come to DC and go to a game with the Oceanliner. And if you are in the area, give me a call because I will go anytime. It’s gorgeous. Until next time then, stay safe, keep it real and fire up those grills.